003: Seems to me quite clear, now — now that you are here — how easily I could begin again

[payingfordeliverance]

Who: Break + various
What: Catchall log; closed starters, event overflows, etc. No open prompts.
When: January through February, perhaps into March
Where: Various

Content Warnings: Use of the heartstrings prompt from the January TDM (injury, body horror, burning, melting), and one bond pact (blood ceremony, bodily ceremony, telepathic/empathetic connections). One Mother's Mercy thread (intense guilt and shame, talk of grieving your own death, forced confession), and one using the really evil magic chocolate where you cough up an organ. Threads will be marked accordingly and further warnings added here as they come up.

Comments

[bolstafir]

[Baltus said there's a string. Baltus. That means--]

...You can't see.

[Before he and Break had figured out the darkblood issue affecting his sight, the one thing that had temporarily alleviated the issue had been corruption-clearing mushrooms. That...has implications for what's happened, doesn't it. Break has begun suffering again because of him.

Back when he was drinking, this sort of realization would be the kind that sent him running immediately, the kind that only validated his worst fears about how his presence only brought harm to people, and it was best to disentangle himself while he still could, for both their sakes.

With a clear mind, it's much more obvious that trying to squirrel out of this will only make it worse. What's more, it's a moment that smacks him in the face with the realization that if he asks honesty of the people close to him, he cannot be unwilling to offer it himself. He cannot run at the first sign of vulnerability; that is what wounded him so deeply when Ozpin had done it.

Even so, it's terrifying. He still wants to shrink from it. He's aware it weren't for the string tied to his chest, bringing him face to face with Break's suffering, he would not be able to do this at all. Qrow leans himself up against the wall with the pillow, and allows himself a moment to be particularly irritated that he has to talk about his feelings while speaking in and of itself is physically painful before he turns his gaze toward Break's sightless one.]

S'my fault 'cause...I was full of shit last week, and apparently--dear ol' Doorway could tell. I just didn't wanna talk about it, 'cause it made things too real for me.

[He grunts, biting his lip a moment as a wave of pain freshly passes through him and then starts again.]

...When Raven--when my sister left, it tore our team apart. And just as we were picking up the pieces...we lost Summer, too. Our family never really --recovered, from that. It's always been complicated, to even think about bringing someone new into our lives, especially when we were part of a war the rest of the world didn't know anything about.

[He pauses briefly to bite down into the meat of his palm to suppress a particularly loud noise before it escapes his throat, and he has to rest a moment after that. He knows he's stalling, and Doorway probably knows it too; the pain intensifies the longer he takes to get to the point.]

With all that, and my Semblance, it seemed smarter to -- to never get too close. I'm .... something like forty-two, and the first time I ever had a real relationship was in the dream. With a man who ... I watched get murdered with -- my own fuckin' weapon -- six months ago.

[He has to squeeze his eyes shut here, his breathing getting actively labored as he struggles to get out the next part.]

And that was just--...the newest icing on the cake of all the shit I'm fucked up about.

cw: previous chronic illness, reference to coughing up blood in the past, struggling to breathe

[payingfordeliverance]

[He'd flap a hand if he could. The gesture does not seem worth the effort at present.]

I'll get it back. [He's referring to his eyesight here.] Just...later.

[Speaking is difficult for Break just now too, but for different reasons -- he's in pain, yes, but it's because his body is increasingly unwilling to stay as solid as it ought to. Trying to bring air into his lungs now feels as wet and nasty as it did when the Hatter was destroying him, and after overusing its powers, he wound up with blood where there should not have been. The familiarity in it is weirdly comforting in the midst of all this, in that he isn't experiencing much that's completely new to him. At the same time, he isn't so far away from that old illness that he doesn't remember exactly how horrible it was, and he dreads how it's going to feel if his old cough returns.

While Qrow is explaining himself, Baltus settles himself behind his person and carefully wedges himself beneath his shoulder, turning Break onto his side and tucking himself in at his back so Break can lean on him. It takes some of the pressure away from his floundering lungs, and helps. The little pouch of peas falls to the floor with a crunkle, an extremely stupid noise beneath the gravity of what Qrow is telling him. Break ignores this. While Baltus is trying to figure out what to do with the peas, Break is hanging on Qrow's every word.

It is worse than he thought.

Not all of it is a surprise, mind. Break is well aware of some of Qrow's losses -- Summer in particular, and that "the guy he was seeing" did not make it to Trench -- and he's seen for himself the horrible way Qrow withdraws into himself when his Semblance acts up in any way that can be even remotely inconvenient for someone else. But Qrow has always placed so much emphasis on Summer over his sister that Break hadn't really considered just how deep the wound of her abandonment must reach, nor did he realize the full extent of Clover's loss.

He was correct in his original notion that he should keep his feelings to himself, Break thinks, out of respect for that loss. He isn't so full of himself that he'll take all of Qrow's pain onto himself, just as his own losses are far too precious to give over to anyone else. But he does feel like a bit of an ass all over again for having the sense to make the correct choice, only to abandon it on an impulse.]

I hadn't meant to -- trod on such things, carelessly. [Another apology.] You weren't...weren't wrong. I was...caught in the moment, back then. It wouldn't have -- have happened, if -- I weren't already a little...stupid for you. But I'd intended to just...enjoy it. You know? Not...not complicate things. I know I don't -- know all of you.

[He'd made it a point not to admit to any actual feelings beneath the kiss, before. But Trench does so enjoy making them talk about their problems, and Qrow's hurting because of all this too, clearly. With both of them suffering in such a visceral way, Break is certainly not above admitting to a crush.

It's not as though he's embarrassed of it. It just didn't feel like the right time, before.]

[bolstafir]

[If he didn't feel so much like he was burning from the inside out, Qrow would want to protest that Break shouldn't have had to lose it again in the first place, especially over someone like him -- but that's a tangent that could well lead to an argument, and he barely has the strength to keep talking on topic, much less let himself go spiraling off in another direction. He lets it pass, even though the guilt nags at him, for the more important point: Break hadn't wanted things to get complicated.]

I didn't...want that either. Complications. S'why I...freaked out.

[Qrow's own cough isn't wet but dry and rattling, as though all the moisture inside him has been squeezed out and only cracked desert wasteland remains.]

Being ... 'just Qrow', with you ... was nice. Never ... really had that before.

[Up until last week, everything had been so easy, because there were no expectations to betray. They spent time together because they liked each other's company, and shared the same sort of priorities. Break asked nothing of him he wasn't already prepared to give, and held back what he himself was unwilling to offer. A perfect sort of equilibrium.

And then Qrow had to think about whether there could be more, and he's had his hand on the hot stove too many times; he'd flinched back instinctively, and now they're both here on this floor, gasping out fears and desires they might have preferred to bury for the satisfaction of beings functionally akin to the Brothers themselves. He almost wishes he had the strength to be angry about it, but as it stands, he's just tired.]

Wanted to...enjoy it, too. [Another soft little moan escapes him; he'd hoped starting to talk would ease the pain but he wonders if they'll be made to suffer until they've said everything, as though it were poison being drawn from a wound.

In a sense, perhaps that isn't wrong, after all.]

Good things don't tend to--stay, in my life. And I'm ... a coward. Try to avoid -- caring about things too much ... or at least admitting it, so it won't hurt as much when they're gone.

[The trouble is, he sucks at it. He keeps putting too much of his heart in others' hands, and he keeps getting it stepped on. Denial lets him feel less like he's willingly walking into the snare, at the very, very least.]

...Really wasn't mad that you kissed me, y'know. Kissing's fun. Brothers, I've -- fucked people I picked up in bars whose names I wouldn't even remember in the morning.

[Very, very softly:]

Was just scared it'd mean something, with you.

[payingfordeliverance]

...can't promise I'll stay. [His tone is gentle. Sympathetic, even, despite how difficult it is to say any words at all.] Nor can you. No matter the world...we both know it -- too well. What could happen.

[He doesn't think Qrow is wrong to be afraid, is what he's saying. Even in this wicked place where death itself can't actually do them part, the sea could call them back at any time, and neither of them would get a say in it. Both of them have had too many good things slip through their fingers to ever be able to delude themselves into thinking good intentions would be enough to change that, this time. And it would hurt. For all that a part of his upset this past week has been the notion that he'd killed their relationship with his own hand in a single moment of foolishness, it's painfully obvious now how poorly he would react to losing Qrow at all, and how terribly his absence would strike Break down.

It just hasn't deterred him at all. He regrets holding the last batch of beloved people he lost at arm's length so terribly.]

Even so...you may be -- coward, but...I'm a fool. 'S not scary for me at all. [He lets out a ghostly echo of a laugh.] For me's something fun. Like to...get up and look for'ard to lunch with you, after -- hours of nightmares. Argue 'bout "what movie" instead of missing home. To feel goofy 'cause I like a guy'nstead of buried under grief is...you -- keep the lonely away, you know...? Just by being here.

[Of course if Xerxes Break is going to confess to what he perceives as "a simple crush", he's going to be dramatic about it. But perhaps being so open about things now only emphasizes the honesty in him, that what he has to say is important enough to him that he'll work so hard to say it at all. He's willing to, since Qrow is. He'd known there was something off when Qrow deflected. That the other man is admitting now that he's scared is actually soothing for him, because if Break knows that, he can work around it. Qrow running because he's frightened is just as logical as he himself falling because Qrow is great, and it also means...it wasn't really Break who made the mess, not truly. His actions may have triggered this, but the wounds were already there for him to find, not anything he's caused directly.

The magical "string" around his heart begins to loosen, almost imperceptibly.]

If it's troublesome, I don't...I've loved a dead woman ten years. I don't need much. You alive and -- at my side's...big improvement. What we already had's what I want most. [He tries to shift a little, but thinks better of it.] ...I get to say "good morning" each day.

[Break is also a big fan of this business where they are really just themselves.]

[bolstafir]

[What we already had's what I want most. He can relate to that statement all too easily, feels the truth of it in his own heart, and yet the cowardly part of him almost wants to take the "if it's troublesome" part and run with it. Run away from building something real because of that fear of getting hurt. But even as having this man stay in his life in general is what he wants most too, he cannot confidently state that it is all that he wants. He's fallen so deeply out of practice at letting himself want things, though -- despite all the pain he's suffered in his life, he has quite a lot right now. A life free of the war. The ability to grow old with the people he loves. The ever-present hope lingering at the edges that he might come to the sea one day and find people he's lost there. It's much more than he would have ever hoped for, back in Remnant, in which every day could be the one that put him in the ground for good. To want for any more than that almost feels greedy, as though challenging the universe to take things away in punishment -- especially when he is still a harbinger of misfortune walking.

And yet...hadn't that been one of his regrets, with Clover? Hadn't he given Ange the same advice, not to hold back her affection for Ruby just in case it goes all wrong? Is it really so wrong to let himself enjoy something while it lasts, for once?

The string around his heart seems to loosen, as he lands on that thought, and yet -- this isn't something to jump into hastily, either. He wants to think it through with his mind more clear, rather than because some curse forced his hand. He thinks he owes both himself and Break that much.]

You'll always have me.

[He starts, at last, and it's both promise and apology at once. He knows how deeply it hurts to feel as though one has been abandoned, after all.]

As for the rest...give me a little time to think about it? I wanna give you--a real answer. Without the town...pressuring us.

[payingfordeliverance]

[With the string loosened on both ends, Break suddenly takes in a deep, deep breath, as though he can finally pull in real air after drowning. Baltus, too, relaxes visibly as his sense of his person being in active danger eases. He nuzzles his snoot in Break's hair before he returns to his customary posture as a companionable guardian who is merely hanging out with them as the world passes by. It will take a while for the damage to heal, if you can even call it that, and Break will be weak and exhausted for the rest of the day, no doubt. But the progression at least has stopped, and he feels better right away simply by virtue of being stable.]

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Hadn't even...meant...

[He trails off in favor of breathing, as he's explained this already. He could add other things, perhaps. Express his own apologies again for having put Qrow in this sort of position even if he hadn't been in his right mind back then either. Reassure him properly that waiting a while won't bother him, that he's glad, that whatever Qrow decides Break can just sit on his own feelings with no issue so long as you'll always have me is true. At this point, worn out from both the curse and the emotional upheaval of the past several days, all Break can really manage to articulate is a Kevinny grumble in one of his rare bouts of vulgarity.]

...town can bloody well blow me.

[At the end of this mess, at least, Break will make it back to his bed and Qrow will make it home knowing they are in hard agreement about those two crucial things: Neither wants the friendship to fail, and neither is pleased at Trench's interference. It's not the first time Trench has meddled and it certainly won't be the last. But whatever they decide to be in the near or distant future, their stubborn insistence on doing it at their own pace in direct retaliation to the cosmic meddling will keep their relationship solidly theirs.]