If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know - SEMI-CLOSED

[chickenchoicejudy]

Who: Ryan Akagi [chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.
What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!

Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).



It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.

At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.

Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.

And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?

And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.

He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.

Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.

He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.

The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.

[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at goodhotcocoa if you want something in particular!]

Comments

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Definitely scary, but fortunately (or unfortunately) Ryan is more scared of what he thinks is on his hand than of Min. He actually struggles in Min's grip, desperately trying to pull his hand free. ]

It won't come off! I can't get it off me!

[Ryan's eyes dart around, and he tries to think of an alternative he can do one-handed.

Table. Table's in arm's reach.

So, very abruptly, he smacks his hand on the table and pulls it, as though he squashed a bug and is trying to scrape the guts away.

Tomo leaps out of Min's grasp in a poof of smoke to a nearby counter so he can have his other hand - it looks like he might need both of them.]

[dialscientist]

[Thank you Tomo, that was his next move.

Now free, Min-Gi is able to come right up into Ryan's space and grab his other wrist as well. Right into that awful aura that makes him feel all kinds of ways, straining the entire time against Ryan's strength. It's like there isn't enough time to really get a grip on the situation. Like he can't move fast enough, isn't strong enough, can't get through.

And Ryan panicking only seems to make him stronger, so it's a wild struggle.]

Ryan, listen to me- NNgh- There's nothing on your hand! You're hurting yourself, c'mon! Freaking out is gonna launch you nuclear, dude. Listen to me!

[chickenchoicejudy]

[At first, it seems like the wrong move. Ryan does not like having both arms restrained and he struggles twice as hard to pull away. Min has a better hold on him now though, so Ryan can't actually do much about it. Min's hands are bigger; they easily hold his wrists in place.

There's a few more moments of pulling and trying to get any sort of leverage, but it becomes pretty clear that he's not going to get away. The wind is knocked out of his sails.

The second the tension is broken, his eyes water and he chokes up. He looks from Min's mushroom face (not in the eyes, but where he thinks the eyes should be) to his own restrained hand, glowing green even while Min insists it's not real.

It sure looks real.]

You--

[He has to stop, try and collect himself. Breathe, just a little.]

...You really can't see it?

[Ryan can't stop looking at his hand, staring at it even as he talks to Min. It looks so real to him, even though he knows the ones growing on others haven't been.

But Min wouldn't lie to him. Min would tell him if it was real. He would.]

[dialscientist]

[He would. He absolutely would. He wouldn't lie, not about this, not when it's so important.

And even if it weren't, what would he have to gain from lying, anyway?

Min-Gi's face softens, then twists with grief, not that Ryan can see it. He's kind of amazed he's won the struggle, but he's glad, and doesn't release his grasp one little bit.

His throat is tight, threatening to follow Ryan's break and warble.]

I can't.

[Breathy. Pleading.]

Whatever it is, I promise you it isn't there. All you've done is scratch your hand open.

[He hates this. He hates this so much, it's terrifying. He can't leave Ryan for a moment and trust that he'll be okay, what is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to go to work tomorrow?]

I- [Exhale. Anxiety is vibrating in his teeth. Desperation and helplessness are palpable. There's weight crushing his lungs, acid in his sour stomach and a coiled shiver waiting to slither down around his spine. He can feel it all, primed and ready. Something has to give.]

Can- can I show you? Can you tap into my eyes somehow? Like, through my mind? Can you do that?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan's eyes don't leave his palm for a long moment. It's basically taunting him now, sticking around after Min said it's fake. He can't see the scratches on his hand; he can't even feel them underneath the mushroom number. Curiously, he wiggles his fingers. The mushrooms wiggle too.

Coming down from any big emotional outburst always leaves Ryan kind of quiet. It's far from instant - there's still a hum of fear coursing through him, though it's slowly morphing from fear of the thing on his palm to fear of what all of this means.

Min asked him a question, and it takes him some time to consider it.]

I...don't know. Maybe?

[He's only ever pulled memories out of Wu, and since Wu's a paleblood he's not really sure who was doing what. Something's felt strange about his powers lately too - he's had a hell of a time trying to read others, though he'd assumed at first it had to do with the mushrooms. Now, he's not so sure.]

...I can try? Just, um. Think about it?

[He would love to say "what's the worst it can do, not work?" but he knows that isn't true. The worst it can do is expose more of this awful shit he's thinking and feeling and just make everything worse...but, he trusts Min. He wants to try.

He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep, deep breaths. Trying to focus right now feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. He can feel his heart beating in his wrists, where Min is holding them. It doesn't help that Min is still restraining him - he's never tried anything like this without initiating touch himself.

The sound of static returns, but it shifts here and there - almost as if a dial is being turned, trying to get the station to come in clearly. Then, the reverse of what they were trying for happens.

Instead of seeing Min's memory of what his hand looks like, he transmits his own memory of the same because it's truthfully all he can think about. Min will see the familiar green glow, and their familiar number spelled out in glowing green mushrooms.]

...I'm not really getting anything.

[dialscientist]

[He did try, but these things are complicated. He thought about what just happened, he thought about Ryan’s hand, red raw and bleeding. He thought about how, besides the damage, there really wasn’t anything there.

But Ryan doesn’t seem to receive the pointed images, at least not right away.

And maybe not ever, now, because Min-Gi is suddenly filled with Ryan’s memories (which he is rapidly getting used to for better or worse) and his grip slackens. Just a fraction, but it does.

For a moment, he can’t breathe. For a moment there is nothing but the darkness around them and the eerie but familiar glow of neon green - all the more grotesque by virtue of the number’s form. It makes him feel sick.

Ryan speaks. Min is very still, and very quiet for a beat.]

I am. You’re showing me what you can see.

[Which prompts him to move the hand holding that wrist and close it around Ryan’s. To make him ball that hand closed. They’re not there. They’re not real.

And suddenly he hears Mako’s words of warning about corruption. He recalls the texts. What he’s supposed to do. But how can you manage this stuff in the grip of horrible hallucinations? He isn’t equipped for this at all.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[The "oh" Ryan lets out is so quiet that it's difficult to tell if it was said out loud or in his thoughts. For a fraction of a second the kneejerk panic comes back because that means Min can see it. Min can see it he can see it it's real it's--

No, it still isn't. Min closes Ryan's hand into a fist and it helps in two ways. The first is that the light instantly vanishes. It doesn't behave the way normal light would, trying to peek out through the tiniest spaces between their fingers. It just shuts off completely the moment Ryan can't see it anymore.

The second is that squeezing his hand shut actually makes the scratches sting for the first time. None of them are deep enough to be dangerous, but a few did break the skin enough to bleed and now that his hand is balled up the pain becomes a lot more obvious. He winces a little, but he doesn't pull away. He can deal with some pain if it means not having to look.

Ryan lets out a shaky breath. The whole thing has been so terrifying that he doesn't have it in him to be embarrassed yet. He still feels like he's teetering on the edge of something, but maybe he isn't seeing reality there either. Maybe he's already tumbled over it. He's tense in Min's grip and overwhelmed.]

We...

[His voice is trembling too. God, he doesn't want to cry, but it feels like it might happen anyway whether he wants it to or not. The kitchen is still dark and only getting darker, and Min - Mushroom Min - is right there.

(He misses Min's real face so much. That's the thought that makes him choke on his words in the end.0)]

...W-We got off, right?

[It's more than a stupid question. It's an alarming question, but he has to make himself ask it anyway.]

This isn't like. I dunno. Some-- some fucked up mushroom squid car? It's not. ...Right?

[dialscientist]

No. No, we got off. I know we did.

[I swear, he almost says. I promise.

But the thing is, he isn't sure. Like 99.9999999% but not 100. All he can do is recount the list of things he's been telling himself over and over since he arrived. All the reasons this can't be the train.]

No one here has a number. No denizens of the city have ever mentioned the train. There's no door. There's no puzzle or lesson. It isn't that simple. If this were the train then we would know it because the train wanted us to know exactly where we were and what we were supposed to do. If Kez hadn't shown up then someone else would have and told us. Everyone there knew what the deal was.

[He taps his finger against Ryan's closed, stinging hand. With every fact he gives, Min-Gi taps another finger, like he's counting off their truths against the lie concealed in Ryan's fist. Like every tap might shrink back the corruption. It's rhythmic.

One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three.

If only he knew that doing this sort of thing called the power from his blood to disorient and pacify through sound. That the reality warping of his blood might just be strong enough to do battle with The Moss King's chaos.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan closes his eyes. He's trying to listen and focus on Min's words, but unsurprisingly the thing that catches his attention first is the rhythm of the tapping.

One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three. Like a waltz. Like that one Journey song. Hoping you'll see, what your love means to me.

It gently tugs the world back into focus for just a moment, and makes it easier to process what Min's saying. He's right, of course. No one has numbers. No one in Trench has ever heard of the train unless they're someone Ryan's told about it. He's never seen a train door here. He hasn't done any puzzles here, not even a baby puzzle. Everyone would have explained (even if poorly) what was going on. He's right about all of that, and it's the same kind of dismantling Ryan does for him when he's more anxious than he needs to be about something.

Feeling a little steadier, he opens his eyes...and he gasps.

The mushrooms aren't all gone. Min is still covered in them, but a few have moved out of the way - enough for Ryan to see Min's eyes. And Ryan stares, for much longer than anyone should.

It's the first time he's seen them in over a week.]

Min?

[Through context clues he already knew it was Min, but it's different to be able to look him in the face when he speaks to him.]

[dialscientist]

[Min-Gi doesn't know what's happening, only that something is.

It seems to be a good something, though. Ryan is suddenly way more focused and alert. He's looking Min in the eye for the first time in a while. That's good, right? That's really good.

Relief threatens to wash over him, easy to read through his skin. Through the warmth in his uncovered eyes.

Relief that comes bittersweet, because it feels too good to be true. He doesn't trust it. He doesn't trust that things might be turning for the better so quickly after reaching what feels like rock bottom just a breath ago.

And yet..]

Yeah, I'm here.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[That's all it takes. Just three little words might not seem like much, but combined with the ability to see Min's eyes, and to see and feel that soft relief that comes with it all? It's almost too much.

The flood gates open. Ryan chokes out a sob and then just...cries, hard and ugly.

He hasn't cried like this in front of Min since they were literal children, young enough that a bad scrape on asphalt might unexpectedly turn them into a puddle of tears. It's the sort of emotional release Ryan's told himself for years and years and years that no one wants to see or hear from him, but it's happening now whether he likes it or not.

The corresponding emotions that roll off of Ryan are too numerous to describe, but one thing is clear with or without powers. While it can't really be called a good cry, it's a deeply necessary cry.

Still, he can't even think about trying to reel it in while he's restrained. He gives a kind of pathetic tug with his uninjured hand - it isn't a true struggle anymore, but a quiet plea for him to let go of at least one hand.]

[dialscientist]

[This is it, Ryan’s really, finally cracked.

Min-Gi can’t blame him at all, either. He’s starting to crack, too. Little hairline fractures from the mounting stress and pressure. Set to shatter any day now.

Ryan crying like this is startling in such a deeply profound way but Min-Gi has the presence of mind to let go of his boyfriend’s uninjured hand before gently guiding him close. ]

C’mere, c’mere, it’s okay. I’ve got you.

[And he does, he means it, but it would be a lie to say he wasn’t a little stunned. It must be ten years at least since he saw Ryan really, truly cry. Big ugly crocodile tears, red faced, heaving, ugly crying. It is very, very overdue.

Instinct says to bring Ryan as close against him as possible, so that’s exactly what he does. Min doesn’t care if he gets soaked in tears. He doesn’t care if he has to physically brace Ryan to keep his knees from buckling. He doesn’t care if he gets paleblood on him should they let go on that side, but he is reluctant to.]

Let it out.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Ryan is pulled with ease, and stumbles right into Min. His newly freed arm snakes around to hold Min tight, but he lets Min keep holding the other fist closed. He doesn't want to see it. He never wants to see it again. It leaves their pose a little awkward, like they're having the worst school dance ever, but Ryan is in no position to do anything about it.

He doesn't want to let it all out and he hates crying like this, but now that he's started it's kind of hard to stop. He buries his face into Min's shoulder and lets out every heaving sob he's held onto all this time. If he wasn't hanging onto Min, and if Min wasn't holding him, Ryan might have fallen to his knees.

In the meantime his aura is...interesting.

At first the greenish-brown flares bright and wild, threatening to consume him whole...but, that isn't what happens. As Ryan cries the green in his aura aura starts to ebb away like the tide, in uneven but rhythmic movements. The red left in its place is more muted and dulled than normal, but it's not as bad as it being horribly bruised.

The bruises of corruption don't entirely go away, not by a long shot, but it's significantly lessened. His aura is no longer more corrupted than not.

Despite all of his resistance......crying is helping.]

[dialscientist]

[It is. And that's amazing, actually.

Min-Gi watches the fluctuations over Ryan's shoulder, holding him tight but gentle. Hopeful. Cautious. Knowing it may be for nothing but hoping it isn't. Maybe this is the break Ryan's needed so desperately. Maybe this really.. is good?

He's here trying to help, but the only person who can really do the work is Ryan. And this is as good a place as any to start. Even if starting means hitting rock bottom. At least then the only way you can go is up. Kinda seems like a pattern, though.

One step forward, two steps back. One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three.

There isn't much to say and so Min-Gi stays quiet, thumb rolling in a small circle at the small of Ryan's back as it often does.

He's quiet, but he's thinking, nosing to press lips to temple. Come back to me, Ryan. It's okay, let it all out. You're safe. You're safe, I promise. ]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[One-two-three, one-two-three. Ryan's whole fucking life has been one step forward and two steps back.

But it's surprisingly hard to sink deep into that particular intrusive thought, harder than it normally would be. He can't always hear Min's thoughts and he doesn't have a good explanation for when he can and when he can't, but he hears him now. Begging him to come back to him.

He's safe. He's safe. He's not still on the train. He's here, he's here, he's here--]

...m'here.

[It's muffled and mumbled, but he's trying really hard. He's here. He's back. Whatever the right words are to describe it, it doesn't matter. He knows where he is. He's here with Min.

Finally, finally he starts to feel like he can reel it in just a little. He pulls back - not enough to pull out of Min's arms, but enough to give an extremely undignified sniffle and rub at his eyes with his unhurt hand. His glasses push up awkwardly, and he has to breathe before he finds his voice again.]

...Fuck. Sorry.

[That was so, so much. What a ridiculous scene. Ugh. He hates crying like this.

But Min stayed with him through all of it. That alone is enough for him to move toward Min again and settle against his chest. An unfortunately familiar bone-tiredness is setting in.]

Can...we go sit? Maybe?

[Honestly, he doesn't want to be upright any more. He wants this closeness desperately, but suddenly the thought of supporting himself on his own two feet is exhausting.

And, well. Min just stood through all of that mess. ...Maybe it's okay if he lets on that he's burnt through almost all of his energy. A controlled fire to keep the forest healthy.]

[dialscientist]

[Cry it out. Cry as long and hard as you need. He's here. He isn't going anywhere.

Ryan works himself through it and Min-Gi holds him. Until his sobbing shudders through to empty. Until he can pull back and wipe his face. Find tentative footing, radiating exhaustion and heat.]

Yeah, yeah of course.

[Bed makes more sense (and maybe he just wants to lay down?) but the couch is closer, the abandoned groceries are right there, and it makes more sense.

So that's where they head.

They always seem to end up here, like this. On this couch, woven together in a tangled mess of limbs and emotion. Not that he minds. At all.

The only detour, and there is one, is to retrieve the little first aid box from under his kitchen sink and bring it with. He doesn't think Ryan's hand is super bad but it needs cleaning and bandaging regardless. If only for ceremonial reasons. Screw those mushrooms and screw that number.

If they're lucky Min-Gi's mushroom visor will stay lifted for the duration, sliding back into place with him down on one knee wrapping Ryan's hand.]

There we go. You'll be good as new in no time.

[Like a helmet. Like a mask. Maybe it will stay long enough for them to curl together.

Or Hell, maybe it fell back once he stopped tapping Ryan's hand. He doesn't know, he doesn't know it's happening at all. All he knows is that Ryan is both somehow the worst he's been and getting better at the same time, and Min-Gi has no idea how he's going to feel good about leaving him alone after this.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Bed, couch, it doesn't matter all that much to Ryan as long as he doesn't have to stand on his own two feet anymore. He lets Min tug him along wherever and stays pretty quiet for the most part. He doesn't protest about the first aid kit. Even when Min inevitably has to let go of his scratched-up hand, Ryan holds it in a fist until it can be treated.

When they get to the couch, Ryan slumps right into a corner seat. His uninjured arm lays flat on the arm rest, gripping it for support. The other, he holds out to Min-Gi.

It probably doesn't need to be bandaged. If Ryan were alone he probably wouldn't have thought to. But it's such a tender, gentle gesture that Ryan doesn't have the heart to refuse it. He's pointedly refusing to look though - he doesn't want to see that number right now, not even for a second.

So, he looks anywhere else. Ceiling. Floor. Mostly though, he looks at Min's face. The mushrooms have shifted back into place, but he knows with certainty that Min's the one beneath them. He saw his face and...well just because he can't see it there now doesn't mean it's not there.

When Min is finished, Ryan holds his hand up to examine the bandage - it's nice and neat, exactly the way he would expect Min to wrap it. But that isn't the reason he looks. He tilts it at different angles, trying to see if green light peeks through.

It doesn't. Ryan smiles, soft and tired.]

Only 'cause I've got a good nurse. It looks great.

[Meaning, of course, that it looks exactly the way a bandaged hand should, with no numerical hallucinations whatsoever.]

[dialscientist]

[A soft, huffed laugh and he shakes his head before moving up onto the couch and laying down - making room or Ryan as is the usual. Come here, where you belong.

The groceries can wait, he thinks. Maybe a job for Tomo. Min-Gi won't even be mad if there's an egg missing.

News of the barcade? Can also wait. That's a whole conversation he couldn't begin to think about having with Ryan right now. Besides, it isn't permanent. It's like a..panic part time.]

Good. But you're not allowed to call me Nurse Park.

[chickenchoicejudy]

[Almost as if they heard Min thinking about it, and thinking about how stealing an egg would be totally okay, Tomo already has their nose in the bag and is poofing in and out of the living room, one grocery at a time. They've got this Min, don't worry about it. Pay no attention to the fact that two eggs are gone instead of just one; it's fine. The carton was totally like that when they got there.

Moving is effort, but an effort Ryan wants to make. His whole body is heavy, but he closes his eyes and blindly climbs over to curl against Min. He snuggles right into that perfect space Min's made for him and keeps his eyes closed.]

Mm-hm. Whatever you say, Nurse Park...

[Since he's got his eyes closed anyway, he takes his glasses off and dangles them over the edge of the couch until Tomo comes over and takes them for safe keeping. If Min is watching, he'll see them stick the glasses in their...pocket, that they apparently have.

Ryan falls quiet for a moment, comfortable and safe against Min-Gi. There's this urge to say something, but he's still so overwhelmed and burnt out that he isn't sure what at first. If he waits too long though, especially with his eyes shut, he'll just doze off. So, he tries to find the words.]

...I. I don't know what did it but I saw you? [The rest is a sleepy mumble against Min's chest.] I could see your eyes, for a sec.

[He's too exhausted to experiment and try to figure it out, but he wants Min to know. Everything else he could say or admit to, all of that can wait. But Min needs to know he saw him. He really saw him.]

[dialscientist]

[An.. otter pocket. Right. That is.. so weird. And it shouldn't be, especially given literally everything about everything is super weird here but like. Sure. Fuck it, why not. Otters have armpit pockets. And also Min is grateful that Tomo is being helpful and he isn't gonna body shame the little critter so.. fine. Okay.

Two eggs, though. That's just opportunistic.]

Really?

[Asked as he cards his fingers through Ryan's hair. It sure is getting long. And it's so soft. He's got his eyes closed too, head tipped back against a pillow on the arm of the couch.]

That's good, man. I wonder what why. Maybe because you're finally letting your feelings out.

[A bleeding the pressure kind of thing.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[The only energy Ryan has to argue against that is one indignant "pfft" that blows his fringe around, and a minor correction.]

It wasn't all the waterworks. I saw it before that.

[He saw him, and then he dissolved into a puddle, and now it's embarrassing to realize this means he literally saw Min's face and broke down immediately afterwards. He's glad Min can't see his face, because it's burning hot - though, the embarrassment can be felt, just a little.

None of that answers the how though, and Ryan doesn't have a reasonable explanation. He just knows that he's not blaming this good thing that happened on him crying like a baby]

[dialscientist]

Oh.

[He's got nothin', then.

But like, if it was the crying, that would have been kinda good. God forbid.]

Maybe you're just getting better. Can you still see me?

[chickenchoicejudy]

[He shakes his head into Min's shirt. Disappointing, but probably not that shocking at this point.]

No, it was only for a sec.

[He yawns though, and adjusts his head to make himself a little more cozy against Min.]

But I saw you, soooo I knew you were there. And I know you're here now.

[dialscientist]

[A soft noise. Just a sec isn't great but it's better than nothing.

And cuddling in like this is so warm and comfortable and exciting. Despite all this horrible stuff happening it's still a thrill to lay like this. Never gonna get old.]

Well, good. Cuz I'm not going anywhere. And this will all be over soon.

[Soft, lulling almost. Go to sleep, baby.]

[chickenchoicejudy]

[It'll be over soon. That's what's been getting him through this month - the fact that it's just a month and it'll be all over, he'll never have to see any mushroom-faced people again. It hasn't always been easy, but lying here with Min? Feeling his fingers run through his hair?

How could he ever believe it wouldn't be alright?

He murmurs some vague response in the affirmative, but he can feel himself drifting off. It's only a matter of seconds before he's completely asleep on Min-Gi, looking more peaceful than he has in weeks.]