Ryan Akagi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chickenchoicejudy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deercountry2022-03-05 11:23 pm
chickenchoicejudy) wrote in deercountry2022-03-05 11:23 pm
Entry tags:
If you get a feeling next time you see me, do me a favor and let me know - SEMI-CLOSED
Who: Ryan Akagi [chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.
What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!
Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).
It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.
At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.
Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.
And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?
And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.
He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.
Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.
He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.
The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.
[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
goodhotcocoa if you want something in particular!]
chickenchoicejudy] and Close CR, with open prompts to be added when the event goes live.What: Ryan is having a pretty hard time with the paleblood effects this month. Body of the post is a general summary of where he's at, and starters will be in comments.
When: All of March
Where: Various locations - likely haunts are Cellar Door, Crenshaw (specifically Mouse House or Min-Gi's place), and the boardwalk. Event locations to be added later!
Content Warnings: Severe hallucinations, severe face blindness, corruption, unintentional self harm (scratching).
It started mild enough - with mushrooms of all things. Nothing to actually worry anyone about.
At first he hadn't even realized they weren't real. There's plant life growing in abundance all over Trench and it made perfect sense for mushrooms to be one of those things. It wouldn't have even been the first time mysterious mushrooms popped up out of nowhere. Ryan leaves them be and barely thinks about it.
Then they start growing out of people. That's when it becomes apparent that...no one else can see them. He's moved to gently tug them off of people only to realize he can't grip them. His hand slips through and they vanish.
And that's...concerning. But it could be worse?
And about a week into the month, it absolutely gets worse. He starts having trouble recognizing people. People he's known for ages now catch him in the street and he can't make his brain put together the shapes of their faces into something he recognizes. Mushrooms obscure other features that might make identifying them easier - hair, clothing, frequently worn accessories. Any time he starts to focus on something, mushrooms start to sprout and block his view.
He makes excuses. He spends more time on the network because he craves interaction but it's less stressful that way. He texts people more frequently, even when he would normally see them in person. Even if they're literally nearby he might text them, just to make sure. Just to watch a faceless someone react when their Omni dings.
Sometimes he catches himself in the mirror and doesn't recognize who looks back at him, which is a problem he's never had before. He doesn't want to talk about it, because it feels absolutely insane to try and explain it to anyone, but also because he's lost any and all ability to recognize people by that point. Who would he even tell? But, it's also become impossible to hide. Not when there's no recognition in his eyes when someone says hello to him. Not when he texts someone several times to ask where they are, including when he's standing right next to them.
He's in a sea of strangers, and it's disorienting. It's even a little scary, particularly in public. He's losing his grip and it's slipping further and further from him, but maybe if he like, tried harder? This is a stupid problem he's having. A stupid dumb problem that he should be able to just...get over and walk off.
The mushrooms even grow on him sometimes. At his worst, small fluorescent green ones will sprout out of his right palm in the shape of a 202 and he'll scratch at it desperately, leaving harsh red marks behind. Even places will start to look unfamiliar, as the confusion only gets worse and worse as the month goes on.
[ooc: Top Levels coming soon, open top levels coming when the event goes live. Hit me up at
no subject
[He leans back a bit. Leans back against the bulk of his omen. One hand buries itself in her fur, scratching behind her ears. He really is glad to hear the gloves are working. Really glad.]
Hm? Oh, no, it's fine. I can just go pick up another pair.
[His uh. Issue. Doesn't come up all that often, anyway. Just in the bad months. And while this one is painful, it hasn't been as bad as some.]
no subject
He looks over at Shiro though. Even with all of his own issues this month, he knows Shiro's also had a hard time. Half the time they've both been home, Shiro's bee propped up on pillows and obviously sore. He doesn't want to make Shiro pick up another pair, especially if it means he's going to be pushing himself to do that.]
...You don't have to do that. This whole crazy number thing? Super temporary paleblood thing. So once this month's over, I'll just give them back. Sound good?
[That way he's not refusing Shiro's help, but he's also not making Shiro go out of his way either. Shiro can rest and everything will be fine.]
no subject
[He is sore. Sore and exhausted. But it's a constant state. It's something he's just... trying to adjust to. Something he should be more used to than he is. Like - old times. Like waking up after the Dome...]
It's fine, really. I don't mind. Haven't needed them in a while, really. So... don't worry, okay?
[He'd probably have given them to Ryan even if he did make use of them every day... but that's beside the point.]
no subject
Ryan pouts a little at Shiro though. He thought he had a pretty good compromise there, but it looks like Shiro's going to try and be tough about it anyway.]
I'm gonna worry if you try and replace them while you feel like crap, and you won't be able to stop me.
[So don't do it, is the clear implication here.]
It's a warmblood thing this month, right? I know I've been kinda out of it, but. I feel like I heard that somewhere?
no subject
Ryan, it's ... not something that happens often. It's really okay. And... no. It doesn't have anything to do with being warmblood this month.
[That part doesn't, anyway. The aches and pains do. Hearing noises from his arm is... well. That's more what happens when his mind starts to slip. He's quiet a while, debating.]
[Chews his lip.]
... I think I hear my hand sometimes. Making noises. I know it doesn't. I know it's not really happening. But - sometimes...
no subject
Oh no, I meant-- sorry. I meant because you've been in pain like, all month, right? That's the "feeling like crap" I was talking about.
[He didn't mean to put Shiro in a position where he felt like he needed to explain his own situation, and he feels kind of bad about it, but. ...Well. It's out there now.]
--I get it. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you know it's not real. It's still, y'know.
[It's still there, even if it's not.]
The number makes noise sometimes too? It hasn't lately, but when the number changes it's like...this wooshy click-clack noise?
[He's explaining it in the most ridiculous way he can think of on purpose, to try and keep things light.]
no subject
[Aside from the people who already picked up on it. Or the one currently linked up with his brain and his emotions. Who was assuring him it did not make sound, Takashi, so help him - ]
Still "y'know". Yeah. It's true. [That's not even the half of it. The dreams, the vague memories he just can't grasp. But, again, not the point here. His problems are not the issue. Or the point.]
Do you hear it a lot?
no subject
[Even Min doesn't know the full extent of it. Ryan meant to tell him after everything blew up, he really did, but...he was so exhausted that he just crashed, and once he woke up he lost the nerve to retread that ground, afraid of ripping open a freshly-stitched wound.
The only reason it's even coming up now is that Shiro mentioned it first. Should he have said anything? Shiro is a worrier, for sure, so it might just concern him more, but it feels like more even ground if Shiro's opening up to him too.
He takes a deep breath.]
No...not really. I haven't seen it at all since, uh. November?
[You know. When he got kidnapped and brought to the Sleeper Farm. Great times. Yep. He loves waking up in a new place hurt and forced into a jumpsuit.]
Plus, it only makes the sound when the number might like, change. It doesn't always. Sometimes it just spins around and wooshes and stays right on 202. Seriously though, it hasn't been a thing between then and now, and now it's not even making the noise really because it's spelled out in mushrooms?
[Is that weird? To have it proven that something isn't real because it's not acting like a different hallucination? He feels like that might be weird.]
no subject
[It's asked very, very gently. Plenty of room there for Ryan to wave him off if it's not something he wants to talk about. If he does volunteer it, Shiro figures he might as well too. No reason not to. This room is full of secrets today, he'd be a hypocrite of some degree not to reciprocate.]
[His hand reaches over, rests on Ryan's shoulder in silent support.]
November wasn't great. Was it? [Understatement of the century there, bro.]
Hah, well. [He tries for a laugh, and it vaguely falls flat.] I guess that's one benefit of hallucinated fungi.
no subject
I dunno. It just...didn't come up, I guess?
[Like his apartment didn't come up. Like how his siblings didn't come up with Wu. Like how the Sleeper Farm didn't come up with Min until Min made it come up because Ryan was being strange with him.]
...What about you? Why didn't you tell anyone?
[Probably for similar reasons, even if Ryan can't put his into words. Maybe it'll help to hear someone else's?
The shoulder touch is appreciated though. He'll gladly take that support.]
Yeah. ...Yeah, November sucked.
[Understatement of the century indeed.]
no subject
[He shoots Ryan a look that is equal parts understanding, sympathy and weariness.]
So... I guess that answers both our questions, huh?
[Those are, exactly, the reasons why Shiro hasn't opened up about his issues to hardly anyone at all. He only ever has when he thought maybe, just maybe, it would help someone else get through their hard times. Like right now, in fact.]
Sorry I wasn't there to walk you home, that time.
no subject
It's just...attention-seeking.]
Yeah. I...guess it does.
[The rest though, he shakes his head at.]
Dude, no. You don't have to be sorry about that. When it happened we barely knew each other. And...well. It's just worrying about something you can't change, right?
[He shrugs, though it carries a helpless feeling with it. Wishing things had happened differently won't change anything. He's just always going to be a little more fucked up than he was, he supposes.
That feels kind of hopeless, but he can't really imagine a middle ground here.]
no subject
[It's not just empty words of advice. It's the truth. He'd kept his mouth shut years ago, for so long, it all finally broke apart. And he'd lost someone important.]
[Now he couldn't keep those things to himself if he tried. So much the better.]
I know. I know - but I feel bad about it. I know I can't do anything, but... it doesn't change how I feel.
[Like their partners, for example.]
no subject
He sighs.]
I...guess I haven't had that many people care about me then.
[Sad, but true. He can't argue with Shiro either, because he's telling Ryan how he feels - something that's clearly hard for him.]
I know you would've done something if you could've though, and it means a lot. Also you like-- you helped more than anyone else after? I-I mean not that other people didn't, but. ...You talked some sense into me. Got me out of that shitty apartment.
[Made sure he wasn't ever truly alone, which was something he needed desperately but never felt like he could actually ask of anyone.]
So...you did help. You helped a lot.
no subject
Guess we'll just have to get you into the habit then, huh?
[His voice is quiet. Private. It's okay that you don't have practice, buddy. It's okay you're struggling. Everyone can learn.]
That was after? [That... definitely explained a few things. More than a few, honestly.]
no subject
...Yeah. Yeah, that was after. I'd gotten hurt and you brought the honey over. So...you found out where I was living right after all that happened.
[He'd been there for a couple of months at least, but it was the first time he had actually let Shiro come over.]
no subject
[After you'd been through hell. He'd know. Holing up, keeping yourself safe and isolated... that made sense.]
[Didn't really help, but it made sense.]
I'm glad you're here now, for what it's worth.