deercountry | If I turn into another

Entry tags:

If I turn into another

Who: Usagi Tsukino, people who are bonded with her, and potentially you
What: Usagi is having a mini-meltdown about the Eternal Night
When: First half of April
Where: Usagi's house and then some parts of Cellar Door and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Past mentions of violence, murder, emotional trauma, past mentions of attempts at genocide

A. Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me [Closed to those bonded to her]

When it was April 1st and the sun didn't initially rise, Usagi was uneasy but not worried. This was just Trench being its weird Trenchie self.

When the second day came and the sun still had not risen, slowly the memories began to come, unbidden, unyielding, unforgiving and she forced them back and away. It would be okay.

When the third day of it came?

Usagi realized that April might be the new October, and the image of herself, giggling, laughing, bleeding from her crescent moon as she hugged her friends and then killed them, as she went mad and tried to kill everyone, literally, everyone, until Rei ran a sword through her chest-

She panicked.

She locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She locked her windows and closed the blinds as she sat in the corner of her room, knees hugged to her chest.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay!

She tried to reassure herself.

You won't turn into her, you won't turn into her, you won't turn into her!

She began to shake, trembling and feeling her eyes well up with tears as she hid her face in her knees.

If she stayed right there no one would be hurt, she wouldn't hurt anyone, no one would die.

It was only the third day, it would be okay, it would be fine. She would just stay in here, she wouldn't leave.

Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and it was hard to breathe, harder to breath.

No, she begged. Please no.

Please, please, please, please.

She can't, not again, not that again. Not her. Not her.

Her margay, Lua, let out soft chirps of concern, trying to nuzzle Usagi's hand to help her feel better, but Usagi didn't even feel it, didn't even notice. Her whole body is trembling and she hugs her knees tighter to her chest and swallows down every sob so no one in the house can hear her.

Unfortunately, Usagi had forgotten that the bonds she had formed were telegraphing everything.

B. Sing this song [Her house - Later in the week]

It was later in the week when Usagi was finally convinced to at least leave her room even if she couldn't be convinced to leave the house. She's jumpy, skittish like an actual rabbit. Every other moment she seems to be looking out the windows only to decide she doesn't want to see, she shuts the curtains of whatever room she's in, and if she's in a room that doesn't have them, she leaves it. The full moon and the endless night is making her blood sing in her body and she immediately hates it when usually such a thing is a comfort because it's her connection to the moon.

So when she hears the doorbell or a knock she practically jumps over the course of her self-induced imprisonment, sometimes even dropping what she's holding and it smashes on the floor or spills all over. She heads over to the door, not opening it. She'll have to clean up the mess in a moment. Her hands are trembling and to stop that, she rests them against the wood of the door.

"W-Who is it?" she calls out. "What do you want?" she tries to hide the fear in her voice but can't.

C. Remind me that we'll always have each other [Around Cellar Door and Willful Machine - Second week of April]

It took constant reassurance, but Usagi has been convinced to at least leave the house for short trips... if only to give her poor kitchenware a break from being broken all the time, or from just breaking something in general in her panic.

After all, as some had pointed out, food was not scarce, no wall of corpses every twelfth hour, people weren't turning into monsters left and right, the water wasn't turned into blood or plants into ash. She was able to sleep a full night's rest without concern, she wasn't sleepwalking, there was a whole list of reasons why this was different. And she was under the moon, not those eyes.

As she walked through Willful Machine, she can softly be heard muttering 'it's okay, it's okay,' as she walks, her hands shaking as she checks again and again at the grocery list and supply list Makoto had written and all the things she was carrying for trade. She was pretty sure she'd need to find a way to make up for breaking Makoto's favorite mixing bowl that had had pink roses painted on it.

She still felt bad about that one.

She would tend to walk from Willful Machine back to her home in Cellar Door. So wound up as she was too focused on just getting home or trying not to have a panic attack in public. So she wouldn't always pay attention...

And would then smack into someone else because she keeping her head down and attention on her groceries. In her surprise, she dropped everything everywhere on the ground. She winced as she heard something shatter... again.

"I-I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there," she was quick to crouch down to pick everything up. "Are you hurt?"

D. When everything else is gone [WILDCARD]
((OOC: If you would like to plot something, please don't hesitate to contact me at

snickersnack or make up your own prompt!

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[Kokichi himself is on a small trip around Willful Machine. Unlike Usagi, he's looking for materials to start his business with. Make games with. The games club is still going to happen, of course - he's making sure of it. It's just this darkness that is so annoying. His eyes are adjusting to the lack of light, though, but he sees the girl that is shaking - notes her uneasiness, and clears his throat gently.]

Miss? Is...everything okay? It's kinda spooky out, so I don't blame you if you're on edge.

[That's how Shuichi would handle this, right? Right.]

[Usagi jumps as she's called out to and fumbles to catch the paper as it falls, able to grab it again. Since the trade items were in a basket safely on the crook of her elbow, she at least won't drop THOSE. She looks at Kokichi, her vision rather ridiculously good at night time, but she hopes he doesn't see her blushing. She nods.]

Ah yes, sorry. [She didn't know how to explain to a stranger that it wasn't the spookiness and green... glow that was affecting her.]

I um... just... lost in thought. Sorry.

[Oh, crap. He almost scrambles to try to catch the list, too, but luckily she's got it. Yeah, she's definitely on edge.]

Hey, there's no need to apologize. We all get lost in thought sometimes. But I heard you mumbling, and everything.

It's kinda sucked for me being alone out here, too, so do you mind company? I think we're going around the same location, anyway.

[He's honestly anxious that she might somehow accidentally hurt herself worked up like that if he leaves her alone.]

[For his own part, Michael's coping reasonably well with the eternal darkness! You just get that sometimes in the Bad Place. Sure, it reminds him a bit of that one awful October back in Deerington...but most of his memories of that month revolve around the rivers of blood. As long as those aren't around, he's fine.

He's setting the lanterns outside his shop - blue fire, of course - when he happens to notice Usagi. You don't really need an empathic bond there to know something's amiss.]

Hey, Usagi! How's it going?

[The sun not rising was an immediate concern to Varian. His first concerns, of course, were to Fern- because his boyfriend needed the sun to survive. So those first three days were spent trying desperately to set up grow lights up in the Disaster Hosue to make sure that Fern didn't fucking die from something as simple as a lack of sunlight. So he's had plenty of spikes of anxiety of his own.

...But Usagi's have not gone unnoticed. And he doesn't need to think too hard to pinpoint the cause. He'd brought it up not that long ago after all, and he's scared he's helped it be at the forefront of her mind when the sun just...left.

He considers just going to her house and barging in- but eventually decided to give her the illusion of choice on his company. ]

You're doing bad. I'm coming to check on you. Are you going to be at home?

[It doesn't matter if she is or isn't- he's going to find her regardless. ]

[She lets out a breath, she hadn't meant to share her panic. That was why she even locked herself in her room to begin with! Damn it. She swallows and wipes at her eyes, trying not to transmit any fear or panic or sadness and failing.]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm... I'm in my room. It's better if you don't come, though.

[Because what if she goes insane again? What if she kills him? What if she maims him?]

GAH!

[Usagi jumps a bit when Michael calls out to her, not expecting it. She puts a hand to her chest, her heartbeat basically humming with how quick it's beating right now. She lets out a breath and then takes a deep one, trying to calm down.]

M-Michael-san! Hey! Sorry, I didn't see you there. I'm fine, you?

[She was not, in fact, fine.]

You... you heard me mumbling?

[She blushed even deeper.] Oh, I was just... um, it's nothing. Just me reassuring myself, guess that-

Anyway! Um, no I don't mind the company.

[She wasn't insane she wasn't going to kill him, it was fine. She wasn't giggling and laughing and insisting they wake up.

He would be safe with her.]

Are we? I'm headed to some grocers, are you going that way too?

...yeah, you seem great.

[He calls it like he sees it!]

I'm fine. I spent most of my life in the void of space, this isn't so dark in comparison.

[He nods slowly. Maybe it wasn't the best to point it out, but he's not exactly a comforting presence like Shuichi. In fact, his own paranoia is kind of starting to act up, but it was soft enough to kind of siphon it off to the background for now. Just a low, deep hum.]

Might as well. I'm kind of all over the place right now since I'm getting materials for a project of mine. Buuuuut...my friend at home and I have kind of only been eating fruit so it might be a good idea to try to get some groceries too.

[You know, just a thought.]

So we'll be safer together. I'm Oma Kokichi, by the way. And you, miss?

[Luz had been told by Varian about Usagi's condition, and while she still felt pretty dumb about their last encounter, that didn't mean she was comfortable knowing that the poor girl was having issues all on her own. Luz had brought over a glass piece she commissioned from Korra as well as some tea in a thermos and some well picked stuffed animals she'd had to trade about to get ahold of.

Once she was at the door, she knocked lightly, not trying to startle her friend].

Usagi? Usagi-chan? It's me, Luz! Are you there?

I know you didn't. And I'm not actually giving you an option on this, just making sure I'm headed to the right place. Sorry I gave the impression you had a choice in this.

[And with that, he's going to make his way into the house. Shame you gave him a key, Usagi, real shame that. He'll let himself in, taking his shoe off, before making his way to her room- knocking on the door once, before stepping in.]

Usagi?

[ Sasuke's usually better about avoiding getting run in to, but his attention hasn't been the best himself since the sun disappeared. His forehead wrinkles slightly when he hears the shatter, before he goes to kneel down to try and help Usagi pick up the things she's dropped. ]

I'm fine. [ He doesn't think she looks hurt, but he's definitely concerned about her overall demeanor. ] Are you alright, Usagi?

Ange still isn't exactly feeling great. But the situation changing so rapidly the exact moment the month had changed has forced her to try and get herself back together more. She knows that she can't afford to be weak under these circumstances. She has to do her best to try and be strong, especially if things are going to be dangerous.

No matter how miserable a part of her might still feel.

And trying to be stronger involves actually getting out of the house. To help get groceries, or help run other errands..

.. or, right now, getting ran into instead, apparently.

It's surprising, and for a moment it startles Ange into dumbfoundedness, but then she realises just exactly who bumped into her.

"No, I'm.. fine.."

Physically, anyway. But Ange leaves it at that answer, moving instead to help gather up the other's groceries.

"Were you carrying too much?"

[It isn't hard to guess why Atsushi can feel such intense emotions through their bond. He's felt his own anxieties and worried that they might feed into Usagi's. After all, that endless month of moonlight was awful for both of them. Atsushi is almost grateful for Usagi's emotions right now since they help deafen the tiger's moonlit fury.

At least early in the month, Atsushi is still able to keep the tiger at bay. He tries not to feed into how angry he is at this place. Why wouldn't he be, after all? Hasn't Usagi been through enough without a repeat of that awful time? It feels like the tiger is clawing its way out of him; The anger hurts so much if he thinks about it.

-- But no. He can't get mad right now. Usagi doesn't need anger. So, with clenched fists and a mind focused on their bond, Atsushi stands outside her bedroom. He closes his eyes and tries to reach out, then lifts a hand to knock lightly on the door.]

Usagi-chan? Can I- [Atsushi catches himself being passive. After imagining how he'd respond if she answered 'no,' he corrects himself selfishly;] I want to come in. [... being selfish is hard.] Is that okay?

Makoto had felt the uneasy feeling growing, the anxiousness of the night that continued on. The restless and the worry that was gradually building somewhere inside, the feeling of wanting to be locked away and to hide. Makoto's hand lingered over the bond she'd formed with Usagi, she felt the panic and the guilt, the worry. Makoto had been one of the ones that she'd hurt, the first that she'd killed that October.

Going to Usagi's door, Makoto listened for a moment before knocking firmly.

"I'm coming in."

April is quickly turning out to be an absolutely horrendous month. The large number of people returning to the ocean (Stan in particular) had been hard enough, and it's been made all the harder for Fern with the lack of daylight. It brings not only a tough time for him as a plant, but reminds him of those Octobers back in Deerington. He had been through several of them, and each one had left a scar on his mind.

And then Usagi's feelings come rolling in. He's been shakily getting used to having other thoughts and feelings in his own mind - he doesn't regret the bond, not at all, but for someone who spent a good deal of his life as Fern repressing the existence of half of himself... it isn't easy. It certainly isn't easy now, feeling all her anxiety and distress. He certainly doesn't blame her for all of it, in fact it makes him incredibly worried about her wellbeing.

It just... takes him a bit of time to compose himself, before sending her a message on his omni. It's simple, straightforward, concerned.

"Where are you? I'm coming over."

[So that is how the bond work. Was a though passing through Minako's mind when she felt something was off. Thankfully Minako herself hadn't been doing much beyond just writing a few notes down, so she was already on her way more than a little concerned.

Soon she was standing in front of the door and gently knocked.]

Usagi, I know you aren't okay. Do you want to talk about it or do I have to camp outside the room?

Edited 2022-04-06 09:31 (UTC)

[He was offering an out, or at least, it SOUNDED like an out and Usagi was going to take it.] A project? Oh what project? [Any conversation that didn't have to do with her was a good conversation, as far as she was concerned.] And I mean, there are worse things to live off of. I'm told it's pretty bad to live just off of sweets. [She joked.]

Oh, I'm Tsukino Usagi, nice to meet you, Oma-san. [She gave a small bow in greeting, careful of her trade items.]

[She winces at his sarcasm.]

It's not the dark that bothers me. [She was from the moon, they didn't have an atmosphere and they certainly didn't rotate the same way Earth did. Plus, she flew through the vacuum of space. She can HANDLE the night in and of itself.

It's what that might COME with it she's trying not to freak out about.]

I'm just... hoping this isn't the new October... [She offered weakly.]

[Well...

Honestly, she should have seen that coming, she pulled the same thing on him all the damn time.

She can't even bring herself to argue.

When Varian walks in, Lua, Usagi's margay will chirp out to him to let him know what corner of the room Usagi is currently huddled in. No light from outside is coming through the few rays of moonlight her curtains and shades can't block out. Of course, even with all the lights being off and curtains and windows closed, you would never know the room was dark...

Because Usagi's skin is glowing a bright pale light.

She inhales sharply and hugs her knees tighter.]

You should leave.

[It was, in fact, an out. Kokichi began walking as he explained.] Oh, I'm starting a business. Toys and games for sale. First project is to get materials for a board game. Eventually a little club I set up is gonna meet up to contribute more as a team. It's open to anyone and everyone, so. [He shrugged lightly.] If you like games, Tsukino-chan, you're free to join us when we meet. Prooo~ooobably not this month for everyone's safety, but. Next month for sure. I wanna be prepped when we start up!

...And I mean, says you. I want sweets. I'd live off of sweets. [He tugged his arms to his chest excitably. Of course, he was aware of hoe wrong that was, but. He had a slightly childish image to maintain.] And, of course, it's nice to meet you too.

[He tips his hat instead of bowing. So weird how he could do that now.]

[Varian comes in quietly, heading towards the glow of Usagi's skin. Oh, this is bad. He's worried. He pats Lua as he walks past, before moving to sit beside her on the ground. ]

Probably. But I'm not gonna. [He says it as if it's the most simple thing in the world.] So. Talk to me.

[Usagi blinks when she thinks she hears a knock on the door. And then blinks again when she does in fact, hear a voice following it, Luz's voice, to be precise.

Wait, why is Luz here? She tries to wrack her brain but she doesn't remember Luz needing anything from her or having asked her to make anything or...

Did Varian and Fern tell her about how she was feeling right now? She moves to the door, not opening it in case letting the outside world IN causes her to snap and kill Luz on the spot. She swallows, hands trembling and takes a deep breath to be loud enough to be heard, calling back out.]

Luz... Luz what are you doing here? [Was she hurt? Should she let her in?]

[When the chaos energy that is Usagi wants to involve others, it will find a way even for the most agile and skilled of ninjas. She jumps when their hands touch, which considering how they acted when they first met, is a stark contrast. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm down.]

I'm okay... [She is not.] I'm... mn.. okay I'm not okay okay but I will be okay. [She offered softly, putting things back in her basket, sighing at the loss of another dish that was now shattered thanks to her.] Not another one...

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If I turn into another

C - Willful Machine

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C - Willful Machine

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B

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C - Cellar Door

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B. CW: PTSD

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