deercountry | Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck

Ah, I see. My true calling in life.

[Min-Gi Park, not entirely in his right mind or body, does not love the openendedness of that answer but simply does not have the energy to open that can of worms right now.

They didn't really get to a concrete answer about moving in and he's trying not to think about that either, but..

No, actually. Just no. He isn't going to think about it. He's about to pass out.

So clothes are taken off and abandoned in a pile by the bed. The covers are pulled back. He double checks for cheeky omens trying to scurry in and priming themselves to be crushed. Then, and only then does he slip into bed with Ryan.

He he had even slightly more energy he'd lay awake and evaluate everything that's happened, but that is definitely a tomorrow problem at this point.]

Man, I'm so tired. We h-hh- [yaaaaaawn--] -have so much to do for our show this week, too.

Mm-hm. Min-Gi Pillow.

[It's not even that funny, but sometimes you just hit the point of tired where the dumbest things are hysterical, and that's why Ryan's snickering now.

His clothes come off too, tossed into another pile, and he slips on a set of sleep clothes he's been keeping at Min's for when he forgets to bring some or just spontaneously stays over - an oversized T-shirt and the shortest pair of comfy shorts.

When Min climbs in bed, Ryan turns and makes space for him, keeping his arm out so Min can slip in and let Ryan hold him. Tonight, he's decided he's big spoon. If Min indulges him, Ryan will snuggle up close, like he's hugging a big teddy bear.]

Shh...that's a problem for tomorrow Min. Tonight Min's gonna sleep.

[It's at this point that Tomo hops up on the bed, and they will try to claim the space in front of Min. Between Ryan and Tomo, they've made a Min-Gi sandwich.]

Mmph. G'night tonight Ryan.

[He can't argue. Won't argue. Ryan can be whatever spoon, knife, fork he wants. Min-Gi lays down and settles in up against him in his soft, warm pjs.

Tomo is pulled close like a teddy bear (how can you not, it's criminal not to try to cuddle an otter), and arranged like this he'll be asleep in no time, lazily wandering through how nice and safe it feels to have Ryan around him. Really makes a guy feel safe. God knows he use a little extra safety right now.]

[A good, long rest in the arms of the man who loves you can do a world of good. After such an awful day, Min-Gi did wake up feeling a little better, but the corruption is still there.

It courses through his veins like an infection, swinging his moods around like a rag doll. One minute he's passably fine, the next minute he's obsessing about everything negative and impossible to control. It's probably best that Ryan doesn't want to move in together. Who would want to live with this.

There's been tension, that much is sure. With Ryan urging him to take it easy and Min-Gi wanting to do anything but. He isn't on vacation. They have a show this week, back to business as usual and he's still got shifts at Rocky's, too. Things to get done. People to not let down. He can't run away and hide, not after making it such a huge part of his personality for so long. He needs to come around to the fact that this is his life now. He lives here, in Trench, and if he feels bad about that then it's his problem and the only solution is to beat through it bare knuckled and howling.

And yes, he's still worried about what's going on outside, and yes he's definitely obsessed with knowing what happened to that thing from the train, but he can't fix it all at once so focusing on one thing at a time is the logical solution. It's slow, and not totally satisfactory, but he's only human and he's only one man.

The thing he decides to start with, besides band practice, is how to finish his shopping list but avoid going back to Willful Machine. Lucky for him, there is a solution: bespoke.

And lucky for him, there's a sleeper run business which does exactly that. So he writes a few Omni-Mails of inquiry and agrees a price, which as it turns out, is much easier to do behind a screen. The price is a little daunting, but he'll figure it out. Sansa Stark wants darkblood crystals. The blood he has, a whole body's worth, but the crystal part is going to be tough. He's got to learn how to make them.

Which is what he's doing now, sat at the dining table with a sharp knife, a towel, a book, and fluctuating amounts of queasy determination. There's already some blood glittering around in the air from failed attempts to catch the damn stuff. Same with the towel, splattered with blackberry colored stains. Does he need to cut deeper? his claws wouldn't cut, wrists seemed weird and painful, forearm it is but it's hard to do that and guide the blood into the bottle. He'll try deeper. Maybe if he bleeds a lot all at once then he can catch some of it. ]

[It's been a rough few days, because of course nothing is as easy as just cuddling until it's all better. Min's mood is still all over the place and Ryan hasn't been able to convince him to do much actual resting. No, he isn't on vacation, but he should be on sick leave.

He has no idea how to broach the subject of their show this week. Unless Min actually rests enough to make his claws disappear, he's not going to be able to play his keyboard. Ryan didn't exactly take it well when Min canceled their show, but somehow he feels like Min will take it even worse.

Because he's been such a jerk overall, Ryan has definitely been taking chances to go back to Shiro's and decompress, or even just get out of the house, but any time he does he's left Tomo behind to look out for Min. Even if he's being extremely frustrating, Ryan is still worried about him.

Even Tomo can't watch him literally every second though.

This time, Ryan's stepped out for groceries. It's an easy thing to do that Min isn't a fan of anyway, and something that will help without being overbearing. He's kind of excited too - he's coming back with oranges. Maybe if he sits with Min and peels some, he can actually convince him to stop for a few minutes and rest.

It's a nice night (since it's always night now) and Ryan's taking his time walking back in the moonlight, but then he hears something clearly in his head.

"You need to come back. "

Ryan pauses in his tracks. It's a voice he hears so infrequently that it actually catches him off guard.]

...Tomo?

[There's no follow up, but he doesn't need one. He finds the nearest lantern and takes it back to Min's place, cutting his walk short. When he unlocks the door, before he can even yell a greeting to Min, Tomo is at the door stamping their feet and running around, trying to lead Ryan toward the kitchen.

Ryan, too alarmed by the fact that Tomo actually spoke to him, drops his bag by the door and follows.

When he gets to the doorway, his blood runs cold. Then he does probably the worst thing you could do when someone is holding a knife - he yells.]

MIN?! What the FUCK are you doing?!

[Frankly he doesn't actually care what Min's doing though. Either way he's going to approach and try to take the knife.]

[Yeah, yell at the guy with a knife, that's a great idea Ryan.

The corrupted guy with a knife who absolutely 100% snuck around Tomo but still set himself up in a very open part of the house to dice himself up.

Of course what you think it going to happen, happens. He jumps a mile and hisses as the blade plunges deep into his arm, then realizes it doesn't hurt nearly as much as ~~it should~~ he thought it would, and shoots Ryan such a fucking look of warning before drawing the blade back. It barely hurts at all. Or maybe it does and he just can't feel it, nerve receptors blocked with corruption.

He doesn't have the time to have this conversation and he wasn't ready so it's a race to pull out the knife and snatch up the bottle to catch the (quite frankly enormous amount of) blood that comes pouring out of the wound.

Min-Gi could barely pick his finger when he first arrived. Look at him now.]

I'm busy Ryan, back off.

[Another warning, snapped as he focuses. Darkblood doesn't behave and collecting it is a pain in the ass. He can feel Ryan's panic trying to invade his lungs and he can't devote energy to that right now, this is too important.]

[The knife goes into Min and for a split second, Ryan hears nothing. The whole world goes unusually silent.

Except, that isn't quite right.

Every silence has something in it, and this one has an electric hum, like a florescent light that's about to burn out. A small static that rings over everything else until the world is quiet.

He can't stay that way though, because Min's hurt and he's not doing anything about it - neither of them are - and yes that was kind of his fault but Min was going to do it anyway and could do it again if he doesn't do...something!

Unfortunately, that something is going to come with more yelling. Ryan shakes his head hard, and he glares right back.]

Busy with what, Min? Slicing your arm open? You're-- you'll bleed out like that! What are you thinking?!

[Then, hopefully before Min stops trying to collect the darkblood floating in the air, Ryan reaches to snatch the knife away from him. In the meantime, Tomo is on the hunt for the first aid kit.]

Edited 2022-04-25 22:38 (UTC)

Hey!-

[But Ryan snatches the knife before Min-Gi can stop what he's doing, and he can't grab now because he's got the vessel pressed up against his wound. Little bits of blood join the rest of the collateral loss in the air but he is actually managing to harvest this time.

Ryan knows this, Min-Gi knows that he knows this, and gives another dirty look because he's either got to sabotage his project or let it happen. So it happens.]

Before you lay into me, I'm solving a problem! I need a blood crystal and in order to do that I need blood!

Edited 2022-04-25 23:07 (UTC)

[With his free hand, Ryan pinches the bridge of his nose under his glasses. There's worry, there's a lot of worry and a strange amount of panic, but a lot of it is being covered up with frustration.]

Min, you don't need to solve any problems! You're supposed to be taking it easy so your corruption heals! What could you possibly need a blood crystal for right now?

[It's so hard not to gesture with both hands, but he really doesn't want to be waving a knife around right now.]

Besides, there are other ways to get blood crystals, dude! We don't even know how to make them or safely harv-- safely do this so you don't accidentally kill yourself!

[Again, what the FUCK, Min.]

[Min-Gi watches Ryan for a moment, now satisfied that he's catching most of his blood. There's a whole lot of energy coming from Ryan but right now it feels mostly like there's a sheet of cotton wool between them and he remains unconcerned.

Maybe in an hour or two when his energy tries to right itself, but in the middle of this? Not a chance.

So Ryan's totally and completely valid concerns, and callback to personal trauma, are met with a brick wall.

If Min were in his right mind this would not be the case. If he were in his right mind this never would have even happened. This is, after all, what Bloodministers are for amongst many other things. There is a service. They have generations and generations of knowledge and experience.]

I'm not going to kill myself.

[It would be deadpan if he weren't ever so slightly indignant. Clearly, Ryan, you are dramatically overreacting. Isn't that always your problem? That you're so much? Even Min-Gi thinks so. Min-Gi is corrupted out of his fucking mind and he still thinks so.]

I made a deal with a seamstress so I don't have to go back to Willful Machine. She's going to make the stuff and she wants darkblood crystals. I have a book. It really isn't that big of a deal.

Edited 2022-04-26 01:17 (UTC)

[This is maybe one of the most ridiculous things Ryan has ever heard Min say. Oh, sure. It's fine. He has a book so now he's an expert at cutting himself open to make jewelry to barter for things, obviously. Min's being completely unreasonable, and if he keeps trying this he's going to wind up passing out.

Unfortunately, Ryan isn't feeling terribly reasonable either at the moment. He...cocks his head to the side, a little. His voice takes a strange tone.]

Ohhhh. It isn't that big of a deal, hm?

[Ryan lets that hang in the air for a moment. Then, a big, exaggerated shrug! This is fine, probably!]

Well, alright! You've sold me, Min! Sorry I worried so much - it's tooootally nothing.

[But, he doesn't give the knife back.

Instead, he oh so casually slides the book away from Min while he's still occupied with bottling his own goddamn blood. That's his now, thaaaank you.

Every little action is deliberate and pointed. He picks the chair farthest from Min-Gi at the table. He rolls up his sleeves. He lays his left arm flat against the table. His right, which bears a jagged scar along the forearm from the last time his blood was harvested for something, holds up the knife - tip pointed down, ready to cut.

(In truth, his hands are shaking and he feels so fucking nauseous but he's running on desperation now, and maybe even a little spite. If anything might make Min see reason, it's this.)

He takes a deep breath and looks to Min-Gi, grinning.]

We could probably talk her into taking paleblood crystals too, right?

[He moves the knife around like he's tracing the air above his arm, trying to decide where the best spot to do this is. It's still stained dark from when Min used it.]

If not, we can always find someone to trade them to for more darkblood crystals. Because it's totally not a big deal at all.

[Right?]

Edited 2022-04-26 02:20 (UTC)

[For a second Min-Gi thinks Ryan has seen the light and is coming around to his project, but that isn't the case.

The tone is sarcastic and dramatic, so he very quickly realizes that Ryan is, in fact, being the opposite of helpful. Mocking, even. And that's just plain rude.]

Oh fuck you, man. Quit screwing around.

[A sneer.

Some part of him is extremely concerned about Ryan holding that knife. The same part of him that worries about the scar on Ryan's forearm and the story behind it.

The very same part, bound and gagged, that can hear Ryan unhinging and winces like it's nails on a chalkboard. This is making things worse. This isn't right at all. Look how upset he's getting, listen to him. Listen to yourself, Min-Gi, you're acting totally insane right now!]

You're being such a dramatic asshole, Ryan. Unless you're actually going to help me do this, which I already know you won't, the door is right there.

[Well. This isn't going as planned.]

Whaaaaat? Who said I'm screwing around?

[He is absolutely screwing around. He's stalling, because he thought just threatening would be enough to make Min see reason. At the same time, it's enough for Ryan to know Min clearly isn't himself. Min - the Min he knows anyway - wouldn't want him to hurt himself under any circumstances, for any reason.

This is so fucked up.

Maybe it's more fucked that he's actually thinking about stabbing himself a little to prove a point?

Maybe they're both just fucked up irreparably now.

...No, that one's exactly as overdramatic as Min accused him of being. But the thought still stings, and the smile falls off his face.]

You're the one being the dramatic asshole. This literally isn't something you need to do right now and you know it. I know you know it, so honestly? Fuck you for spinning it back on me.

[It's shitty. Was he this shitty when he was corrupted? That's probably unfair to think about it that way, but he can't help it. He's been trying to help Min the way Min helped him, but he's been meeting so much resistance.

It's paradoxical, but. ...Maybe he's just not as good a person. Not as patient a person.]

But if you seriously want my help, then...

[Ryan raises the knife. He shuts his eyes tight. For a second, it really seems like he's going to just stab down recklessly. He feels so fucking sick just thinking about it.]

[Ryan drops the knife, and lets it clatter harmlessly to the table. His eyes are actually watering a little, and he takes a deep breath to try and make himself stop.]

...I can't.

[He stands up, feeling almost like he's being pulled up by strings, by something other than himself. There's an...almost odd seriousness to him that feels out of place. But maybe Min will be happy about that - he did want him to stop screwing around, didn't he?]

Groceries are by the door. Some of them go in the fridge. Tomo's staying here. ...And we're not performing this Saturday. So if all of this was for that, then stop it.

[It's a lot for Ryan to say that, especially when he wasn't able to perform for so long because of his own corruption. He doesn't want to cancel, and honestly he wanted to give it longer, but...he can't be around Min when he's acting like this, so he's saying it while he's still here.

The door is right there, as Min said. And even with all of this, Ryan hesitates for a moment. Even with all of this, even with how pissed off and frustrated and upset he is, he's still worried on top of it.]

...Get some sleep, Min. I'll check on you later.

[He doesn't specify when later is. He just heads for the door.]

[Good! Go! That’s what he wanted.

At first, Min feels justified. He called Ryan’s bluff and got rid of him, good riddance. He sneers at the door, visible from the dining room, and then sneers again at the empty air where Ryan had just been. That was so dramatic, fuck you Ryan!

He huffs and finally takes his arm off the mouth of the jar he’s been bleeding into, quickly capping it before holding his wound closed. It still doesn’t hurt, which isn’t right at all, but he isn’t questioning that.

Sleepers heal fast, which he’s banking on, not realising that corruption messes with that alongside all the other things wrong with him.

Tomo is somewhere looking for the first aid kit that Min-Gi insisted on not very long ago, and from it he will take a bandage and gauze.

And as he dresses his wound, Tomo who watches him with a look Min isn’t exactly sure how to place. It sure seems a lot like judgment. He ignores it for a long moment but the otter is still staring at him.

Min-Gi scoffs.

Tomo stares.

Min-Gi ignores them longer and scoffs again when he looks back and nothing has changed.

Tomo is still staring.]

What?

[The stare continues. Min hates it.]

Don’t look at me like that, he did that to himself. I haven’t done anything wrong and he flew off the handle. It’s my blood, I’m allowed to bleed if I want to!

[And like, valid. But forget a judgment train, he’s got a judgment otter to deal with, now. Great. Love that.]

Look, I know it looks bad but it’s just a little blood and it’s my choice! How else do you get a blood crystal and I don’t want to go to Willful Machine. You know this makes sense, Tomo, it’s not my fault Ryan flipped out. I didn’t ask him for his blood and I’m not apologising because he hurt his own feelings.

[Tomo’s whiskers twitch ever so slightly but the stare continues, unblinking. Min growls with frustration and drags his book back across the table to try to get back to his project.

Two minutes of intense reading later and he can’t focus enough to set up the ritual. Tomo is still there and still judging the fuck out of him so Min gets up from the table with a huff and heads for the sofa.

The issue with being in there is that it puts him back in range for particularly strong projected emotions and it’s like walking into a rainstorm.

Air pressure dips low as he sits on the couch, angry but starting to actually think about what Ryan had said before he left. He sees the groceries, hastily dropped in panic. Three bright, perfect oranges have escaped their bag and lay on the ground.

Min sees then and his corruption begins to suspend in the air before falling back like a pendulum. It feels like he’s losing his mind. Min looks down at his hands. The claws aren’t going away. In fact, if anything, they’re getting sharper. His teeth, too, discovered this ‘morning’ when he bit his cheek and woke himself up. That was the prompt to try to solve at least one stress in his life.

Which so far has super totally been working.

The ritual handbook is attempted again but by this time Min is really starting to feel Ryan’s energy and place it as that. He’s still around. And what was it the at Ryan said as he bounced? About the show? What a bullshit thing to just slip in there before you leave.

No, no he can’t read this thing right now, he can’t leave that conversation.

The book is slammed closed with a heavy sigh and Min gets up, going over to the door and opening it. There Ryan is, sitting on the step.

Min crosses his arms over his chest and leans in the doorway, debating whether or not to nudge the back of Ryan’s hip with his toes.]

Did you say you cancelled our show?

[Ryan's intention was to leave and go back to Shiro's, but as soon as he was out the door he could feel himself coming apart at the seams. If he went back right now, literally anyone who looked at him would ask him what was wrong, and he has no idea how to answer that question.

Honestly, he doesn't know if he did the right thing. Maybe that's why he's sitting on Min's front step, curled up in a ball with his head on his knees. He can't quite bring himself to just...leave him.

"You Ļ̕͜͞E̷̷̡͘F̴̛T̶́͟͞͠ me!"

He doesn't want to. God, he's such a shitty fucking person for doing it, for ditching Min when he obviously needs him, but he literally almost stabbed himself to prove a point, and he can't take care of Min if Min's going to drive him to corrupt again...can he?

Except, none of that was Min-Gi's fault. Ryan should be able to tough it out, he should be able to help Min without losing his shit, and if he can't? Then that's just h͡i̡̛s̡͡͞ ̴̨f̨̀a̸̸̧̡͞ų̧̨́l̸̨҉͟t̸͟͟͡, isn't it? Is he really just going to be a baby about knives forever? This is a world full of blood. Maybe...

This was supposed to be easier than it's been. He literally just told Min he wants to be with him forever like, a few days ago, and he fucking stormed out.

God. Ryan is the worst. He's sure he's the worst. He's the w̵̴̧͘͟ó̶͠r̶̷̸͡s͏t̢̢͞͠͏ ̸̶h̢̕͢͡ę̧̛͟'̧̧̕s̨̨̕͢͠ ͏̴͢t̀͠h̷́ȩ̨̀ ̛̀͢͡w̵͘o̸͘͘͜r̢̕͜͟s̷͟t̛҉ ̸̡́͟͜h̡́͘e̴̴̶͜͡'̴̵͘s͢͏͞ ͢͡g̨͡͝a̷͜͠͠r̛͟b̷̡́a̵̵̢͢g̨̕͏e͏̴͟͞ ͏̵̢͏̷h̀̀̕͘͡e͘͟'̴͢͟s̨̀̀͠͝ ̵͟͠͠͡a͘͡͡҉ ͡͝t̸͟͜ę̴̨͟͡r̴ŗ̧̛i̡͡҉̢b͘͢͜͜͞ĺ̴̵͢e̢̢͜͠ ̨͘b̸͡ó̸͟͟y͟͜f̸̴̕r̢͟͡i͏͟e͠͞͠҉ņ̷̧͡͠d̵̛.҉̸́͜͠

How could he do this to Min again?

He hears the door open, but he doesn't look up right away. Every bit of energy is spent trying to hit the brakes on all of these thoughts so Min doesn't have to deal with them on top of his own shit.

Finally, he sits up a little, and rubs at his eyes under his glasses. He totally wasn't crying; he's fine. But...he doesn't turn around to look at Min either. His voice sounds a little watery.]

...I haven't yet, but we need to.

[It doesn't sound like a threat or an ultimatum, despite how he brought it up initially. It's just an unfortunate reality of the situation. Ryan takes a deep breath, and it's painfully obvious this isn't what he wants either.]

You won't be able to play your synth with claws. You...know that, right?

[Deep down, Min has to know that, even if he's not thinking clearly. Even if he hasn't let himself go there.]

Your corruption seemed a little better after that whole wormhole pocket thing, so I thought it would just, you know...but it's getting worse, man.

[It's getting worse, and Ryan doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know if there's anything he can do about it, and that's even worse somehow. Min helped him so much and he can't even return the--

No, he has to stop. He has to stop or it'll leak out of his head in static and Min will hear it. Min's...sick. He can't do that do him right now.]

Edited 2022-04-26 21:32 (UTC)

[It's almost impossible to be in a situation like this and not feel responsible for it, even when none of this is Ryan's fault. He's been trying so hard to be present and supportive and make everything around them comfortable and easy so Min-Gi can rest. It's a lot of work.

It's a mission when the person you're doing all of this for doesn't want to rest, acts ungrateful, and has become wildly unpredictable. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes, three steps back. And it's a total cop-out to say 'oh this is just how we are' because it should never be like that. A relationship like that is a bad one, and what they have is good. It's worth working for.

In the face of mounting corruption, sometimes Min-Gi's head is still clear. He knows what's going on, he's grounded, his grip on reality is solid and his emotions are steady. Other times it's like he's a different person, all the worst, thorny, most savage parts of himself sitting on the outside ready to lash out. And then when he's feeling better again, with no idea what makes the switch happen, he tries to clean up the mess he's made only moments ago. It's whiplash for everyone involved and it isn't fair. This is one of those exact moments, and listening to Ryan speak makes his heart sink lower and lower.]

I know..

[Finally. Small. In answer both to the show and his getting worse. Even if he hasn't wanted to face it yet, and he hasn't, it's true and he's known deep down.

Min sighs and moves to sit beside Ryan on the step, knees up against his chest. He can't quite look over, either. There's room for both of them but only just, with hips and shoulders touching.]

I'm sorry I scared you. I knew it was something you wouldn't want to see which is why I waited until you left. I just...so wanted to find a fix on my own. Just one little thing I could make happen and do the way this world works. It sounds crazy.. I know that. And I should have told you probably. I...

...pfff- I'm losing my fucking mind, man. It's like sometimes I'm fine. I feel fine. Or lighter..or better. And then without warning I turn inside out and it all comes crashing down on me again in this, like, backwards autopilot. I guess I just thought-

I don't know what I thought. And it's messing with you and all you're doing is trying to help me. I'm Jekyll and Hyde.

[And it feels, in this moment of rising clarity, so incredibly hopeless.]

[Ryan lets Min sit next to him, and even scoots over so there's more room, but mostly he just listens. With storm of emotions crashing through him, it's a little hard to tell for sure, but he's listening.

Mostly he just...doesn't know what to say. He's sympathetic, he's been corrupted before, but...it doesn't change a lot either. He knows and he understands but it won't heal Min.

He's silent until Min mentions it's messing with him, and Ryan emphatically shakes his head.]

I should be able to handle it. You dealt with me when I was so messed up I didn't even recognize you.

["I can't even return the favor right. It's totally pathetic."]

...I know not being able to do anything sucks. I've been there. But...you don't need to do anything. The only thing you actually need to do is rest so you heal, and that's the only thing you haven't been doing.

[Ryan sighs, but he still doesn't look at Min. Instead he leans back on his palms and looks up at the sky.]

You keep making up all of this stuff you need to do, but you don't. Like, seriously, this? [He gestures at Min's injured arm.] People do this for a living, Min. If you really want that for trading, we can go and have someone who knows how to do it make you some once you're better. You really don't need to be trying to make them right now.

[And by "we" he means he'll wait outside for moral support, because even the thought of conditional blood harvesting makes him feel kind of nauseous.]

...I've said all this before, but I don't know how to make you actually believe me.

[Really, that's a core part of the problem here. Ryan can swear up and down that Min doesn't have to do anything but get better, but that won't make Min stop trying to earn money or do things to feel useful or literally bleed himself out to make crystals to buy things with.

It's like talking to a brick wall. But for a brief moment here, a fleeting second...Min sounds like himself. He sounds like himself enough that Ryan feels like he can say this much, even if he turns around later and acts like Ryan's overreacting. Right now? He can admit he has no idea what to do.]

[There's a long pause of quiet between them as Min-Gi digests everything. Ryan is right, he knows he's right, and yet... he keeps doing the opposite. Like it's some kind of compulsion.

Feels bad, man.

Feels worse to not have an answer. He doesn't know what to do, either.]

I guess... corruption happens differently for everyone. What we can and can't deal with. I didn't handle last month well at all. I thought I could, but.. it nearly broke me, Ryan. And I feel bad saying that because it sounds like I'm saying I couldn't handle you, which isn't what I mean. I can. I did. I just mean it was hard and I didn't know what to do, either.

And I dunno, maybe you walking out was the right thing. I mean, I'm here right now. That only happened, I think, because you had a reaction?

[He doesn't know. He literally doesn't know anything, but it's a decent guess? Maybe?]

With the resting thing, I can't explain why but it feels so counterproductive. I know you're right, but I lay down and all I can think about are all the ways I don't fit into this world and all the things I could be doing to make that better.

[And he's scared.]

I just really need a win, man.

[Ryan lets out a little puff of air that blows some of the hair out of his face.]

Went better than the last reaction, that's for sure.

[Not that he actually wants to talk about it or address that elephant in the room. Instead, he finally rolls his sleeves back down, as if that will make that part of this conversation go away.]

...There's no way walking out was the right call. I mean, maybe short term? Like, we're talking now and that part's good, but...fuck, in the time it took me to get groceries you stabbed your arm! You would have flipped if I'd found a knife while I was corrupted, and you would've been right to.

[He still thinks he was right to freak out, even if he didn't handle it as well as he could have in the moment. He can't just not care that Min was hurting himself, even if there was a reason behind it.

That hangs in the air a moment, and Ryan's thoughts circle back to something Min said. Corruption happens differently for everyone. That...sounds like it's probably true. But by extension, that means--]

...Maybe resting is different for everyone too.

[It sounds kind of stupid out loud, but he keeps going with it.]

I mean - in my defense, it's what helped me and it makes sense if you think about it like, healing from a cold or a broken bone or whatever? But...maybe there's something else we can do for you.

[He finally looks up at Min, and the wheels are turning in his mind. Maybe it's as easy as that. Maybe he's been coming at this from totally the wrong angle.]

[His face is pinched with thought, but he looks back at Ryan, waiting for him to continue.

The logic is sound. And really, this is just another kind of puzzle.

Admittedly, a shitty, extremely personal one, but weren't they all.]

Like what?

Like...

[Hm. How does he put it?]

...stuff to do. Non-stressful stuff to do. Stuff that's not like "oh my god I need to do this or I'm somehow not a functional person in Trench no matter how many times Ryan says that's not true," y'know?

[He's smiling now though, despite the jab. He's cracked it, he's got this.]

You still need to be taking it easy, and that means you still need to actually listen when I say the world isn't going to end if you don't solve all our problems right now, but we'll just give you other stuff to do!

[Is he saying "other stuff" because he doesn't have a specific thing in mind yet? Maybe! But he'll figure it out.]

[Mm, okay. Next question: what the fuck does that mean?]

I don't think just listening to you is something to do but.. okay.

[That isn't what Ryan said, Min-Gi. Try again.]

I couuld do other stuff. and.. I've got the blood now so I could. Send that to a specialist I guess. Can we talk about this inside?

[It's just. You know. It's dark. They're exposed out here. That train robot is still around somewhere.]

[Min-Gi is going to get A Face as a response to that first part, because 1. That's not what he said and 2. He absolutely needs to be listening to Ryan more than he has been.

But at least he's feeling a little better, so he swiftly moves on from it. It's kind of a shame, because the moonlight feels really good, but...he gets it.]

Yeah, sure.

[He pushes himself up onto his feet and offers a hand to help Min up. Once they're back in the safety of the house, with the locks locked, Ryan jumps right back in where he left off.]

Anyway no, that's not the kind of thing I mean. We'll just...I dunno, put it in the fridge and deal with it later? Or I can go, or something. [He pokes Min in the chest.] You're still in problem-solving mode. We're gonna come up with just for fun stuff for you to do. Or like, I dunno, really easy problem solving? I'll come up with things. You'll get it.

[Part of Min wants to argue that just because he said he needs a win doesn't mean he needs Ryan to make up stupid things for him to do, but the other part of him sees Ryan trying and actually, it's not that bad of an idea. That was what he was trying to do with this whole blood thing, wasn't it? Something easy and simple?

He just...you know...chose a really hard, really stupid thing to do.]

Okay. I mean, it wouldn't hurt, right?

[What's the worst that can happen, he almost asks, but thinks better of it because clearly a lot of bad things can happen and why tempt fate.

He looks around the room. From here he can see the dining table and tenses a little bit.]

Hey, you wait here for a second okay? I need to clean something up. Keep talking, I'm listening.

[He's just gonna. You know. Put that knife and towel and jar away.]

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A few days later - cw self harm ig?/bloodletting

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cw: threat of self harm

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