Raleigh Becket (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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deercountry2022-04-07 06:48 am
righthemisphere) wrote in deercountry2022-04-07 06:48 am
righthemisphere) wrote in deercountry2022-04-07 06:48 am
no subject
[But Ryan snatches the knife before Min-Gi can stop what he's doing, and he can't grab now because he's got the vessel pressed up against his wound. Little bits of blood join the rest of the collateral loss in the air but he is actually managing to harvest this time.
Ryan knows this, Min-Gi knows that he knows this, and gives another dirty look because he's either got to sabotage his project or let it happen. So it happens.]
Before you lay into me, I'm solving a problem! I need a blood crystal and in order to do that I need blood!
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Min, you don't need to solve any problems! You're supposed to be taking it easy so your corruption heals! What could you possibly need a blood crystal for right now?
[It's so hard not to gesture with both hands, but he really doesn't want to be waving a knife around right now.]
Besides, there are other ways to get blood crystals, dude! We don't even know how to make them or safely harv-- safely do this so you don't accidentally kill yourself!
[Again, what the FUCK, Min.]
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Maybe in an hour or two when his energy tries to right itself, but in the middle of this? Not a chance.
So Ryan's totally and completely valid concerns, and callback to personal trauma, are met with a brick wall.
If Min were in his right mind this would not be the case. If he were in his right mind this never would have even happened. This is, after all, what Bloodministers are for amongst many other things. There is a service. They have generations and generations of knowledge and experience.]
I'm not going to kill myself.
[It would be deadpan if he weren't ever so slightly indignant. Clearly, Ryan, you are dramatically overreacting. Isn't that always your problem? That you're so much? Even Min-Gi thinks so. Min-Gi is corrupted out of his fucking mind and he still thinks so.]
I made a deal with a seamstress so I don't have to go back to Willful Machine. She's going to make the stuff and she wants darkblood crystals. I have a book. It really isn't that big of a deal.
cw: threat of self harm
Unfortunately, Ryan isn't feeling terribly reasonable either at the moment. He...cocks his head to the side, a little. His voice takes a strange tone.]
Ohhhh. It isn't that big of a deal, hm?
[Ryan lets that hang in the air for a moment. Then, a big, exaggerated shrug! This is fine, probably!]
Well, alright! You've sold me, Min! Sorry I worried so much - it's tooootally nothing.
[But, he doesn't give the knife back.
Instead, he oh so casually slides the book away from Min while he's still occupied with bottling his own goddamn blood. That's his now, thaaaank you.
Every little action is deliberate and pointed. He picks the chair farthest from Min-Gi at the table. He rolls up his sleeves. He lays his left arm flat against the table. His right, which bears a jagged scar along the forearm from the last time his blood was harvested for something, holds up the knife - tip pointed down, ready to cut.
(In truth, his hands are shaking and he feels so fucking nauseous but he's running on desperation now, and maybe even a little spite. If anything might make Min see reason, it's this.)
He takes a deep breath and looks to Min-Gi, grinning.]
We could probably talk her into taking paleblood crystals too, right?
[He moves the knife around like he's tracing the air above his arm, trying to decide where the best spot to do this is. It's still stained dark from when Min used it.]
If not, we can always find someone to trade them to for more darkblood crystals. Because it's totally not a big deal at all.
[Right?]
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The tone is sarcastic and dramatic, so he very quickly realizes that Ryan is, in fact, being the opposite of helpful. Mocking, even. And that's just plain rude.]
Oh fuck you, man. Quit screwing around.
[A sneer.
Some part of him is extremely concerned about Ryan holding that knife. The same part of him that worries about the scar on Ryan's forearm and the story behind it.
The very same part, bound and gagged, that can hear Ryan unhinging and winces like it's nails on a chalkboard. This is making things worse. This isn't right at all. Look how upset he's getting, listen to him. Listen to yourself, Min-Gi, you're acting totally insane right now!]
You're being such a dramatic asshole, Ryan. Unless you're actually going to help me do this, which I already know you won't, the door is right there.
1/2
Whaaaaat? Who said I'm screwing around?
[He is absolutely screwing around. He's stalling, because he thought just threatening would be enough to make Min see reason. At the same time, it's enough for Ryan to know Min clearly isn't himself. Min - the Min he knows anyway - wouldn't want him to hurt himself under any circumstances, for any reason.
This is so fucked up.
Maybe it's more fucked that he's actually thinking about stabbing himself a little to prove a point?
Maybe they're both just fucked up irreparably now.
...No, that one's exactly as overdramatic as Min accused him of being. But the thought still stings, and the smile falls off his face.]
You're the one being the dramatic asshole. This literally isn't something you need to do right now and you know it. I know you know it, so honestly? Fuck you for spinning it back on me.
[It's shitty. Was he this shitty when he was corrupted? That's probably unfair to think about it that way, but he can't help it. He's been trying to help Min the way Min helped him, but he's been meeting so much resistance.
It's paradoxical, but. ...Maybe he's just not as good a person. Not as patient a person.]
But if you seriously want my help, then...
[Ryan raises the knife. He shuts his eyes tight. For a second, it really seems like he's going to just stab down recklessly. He feels so fucking sick just thinking about it.]
2/2
...I can't.
[He stands up, feeling almost like he's being pulled up by strings, by something other than himself. There's an...almost odd seriousness to him that feels out of place. But maybe Min will be happy about that - he did want him to stop screwing around, didn't he?]
Groceries are by the door. Some of them go in the fridge. Tomo's staying here. ...And we're not performing this Saturday. So if all of this was for that, then stop it.
[It's a lot for Ryan to say that, especially when he wasn't able to perform for so long because of his own corruption. He doesn't want to cancel, and honestly he wanted to give it longer, but...he can't be around Min when he's acting like this, so he's saying it while he's still here.
The door is right there, as Min said. And even with all of this, Ryan hesitates for a moment. Even with all of this, even with how pissed off and frustrated and upset he is, he's still worried on top of it.]
...Get some sleep, Min. I'll check on you later.
[He doesn't specify when later is. He just heads for the door.]
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At first, Min feels justified. He called Ryan’s bluff and got rid of him, good riddance. He sneers at the door, visible from the dining room, and then sneers again at the empty air where Ryan had just been. That was so dramatic, fuck you Ryan!
He huffs and finally takes his arm off the mouth of the jar he’s been bleeding into, quickly capping it before holding his wound closed. It still doesn’t hurt, which isn’t right at all, but he isn’t questioning that.
Sleepers heal fast, which he’s banking on, not realising that corruption messes with that alongside all the other things wrong with him.
Tomo is somewhere looking for the first aid kit that Min-Gi insisted on not very long ago, and from it he will take a bandage and gauze.
And as he dresses his wound, Tomo who watches him with a look Min isn’t exactly sure how to place. It sure seems a lot like judgment. He ignores it for a long moment but the otter is still staring at him.
Min-Gi scoffs.
Tomo stares.
Min-Gi ignores them longer and scoffs again when he looks back and nothing has changed.
Tomo is still staring.]
What?
[The stare continues. Min hates it.]
Don’t look at me like that, he did that to himself. I haven’t done anything wrong and he flew off the handle. It’s my blood, I’m allowed to bleed if I want to!
[And like, valid. But forget a judgment train, he’s got a judgment otter to deal with, now. Great. Love that.]
Look, I know it looks bad but it’s just a little blood and it’s my choice! How else do you get a blood crystal and I don’t want to go to Willful Machine. You know this makes sense, Tomo, it’s not my fault Ryan flipped out. I didn’t ask him for his blood and I’m not apologising because he hurt his own feelings.
[Tomo’s whiskers twitch ever so slightly but the stare continues, unblinking. Min growls with frustration and drags his book back across the table to try to get back to his project.
Two minutes of intense reading later and he can’t focus enough to set up the ritual. Tomo is still there and still judging the fuck out of him so Min gets up from the table with a huff and heads for the sofa.
The issue with being in there is that it puts him back in range for particularly strong projected emotions and it’s like walking into a rainstorm.
Air pressure dips low as he sits on the couch, angry but starting to actually think about what Ryan had said before he left. He sees the groceries, hastily dropped in panic. Three bright, perfect oranges have escaped their bag and lay on the ground.
Min sees then and his corruption begins to suspend in the air before falling back like a pendulum. It feels like he’s losing his mind. Min looks down at his hands. The claws aren’t going away. In fact, if anything, they’re getting sharper. His teeth, too, discovered this ‘morning’ when he bit his cheek and woke himself up. That was the prompt to try to solve at least one stress in his life.
Which so far has super totally been working.
The ritual handbook is attempted again but by this time Min is really starting to feel Ryan’s energy and place it as that. He’s still around. And what was it the at Ryan said as he bounced? About the show? What a bullshit thing to just slip in there before you leave.
No, no he can’t read this thing right now, he can’t leave that conversation.
The book is slammed closed with a heavy sigh and Min gets up, going over to the door and opening it. There Ryan is, sitting on the step.
Min crosses his arms over his chest and leans in the doorway, debating whether or not to nudge the back of Ryan’s hip with his toes.]
Did you say you cancelled our show?
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Honestly, he doesn't know if he did the right thing. Maybe that's why he's sitting on Min's front step, curled up in a ball with his head on his knees. He can't quite bring himself to just...leave him.
"You Ļ̕͜͞E̷̷̡͘F̴̛T̶́͟͞͠ me!"
He doesn't want to. God, he's such a shitty fucking person for doing it, for ditching Min when he obviously needs him, but he literally almost stabbed himself to prove a point, and he can't take care of Min if Min's going to drive him to corrupt again...can he?
Except, none of that was Min-Gi's fault. Ryan should be able to tough it out, he should be able to help Min without losing his shit, and if he can't? Then that's just h͡i̡̛s̡͡͞ ̴̨f̨̀a̸̸̧̡͞ų̧̨́l̸̨҉͟t̸͟͟͡, isn't it? Is he really just going to be a baby about knives forever? This is a world full of blood. Maybe...
This was supposed to be easier than it's been. He literally just told Min he wants to be with him forever like, a few days ago, and he fucking stormed out.
God. Ryan is the worst. He's sure he's the worst. He's the w̵̴̧͘͟ó̶͠r̶̷̸͡s͏t̢̢͞͠͏ ̸̶h̢̕͢͡ę̧̛͟'̧̧̕s̨̨̕͢͠ ͏̴͢t̀͠h̷́ȩ̨̀ ̛̀͢͡w̵͘o̸͘͘͜r̢̕͜͟s̷͟t̛҉ ̸̡́͟͜h̡́͘e̴̴̶͜͡'̴̵͘s͢͏͞ ͢͡g̨͡͝a̷͜͠͠r̛͟b̷̡́a̵̵̢͢g̨̕͏e͏̴͟͞ ͏̵̢͏̷h̀̀̕͘͡e͘͟'̴͢͟s̨̀̀͠͝ ̵͟͠͠͡a͘͡͡҉ ͡͝t̸͟͜ę̴̨͟͡r̴ŗ̧̛i̡͡҉̢b͘͢͜͜͞ĺ̴̵͢e̢̢͜͠ ̨͘b̸͡ó̸͟͟y͟͜f̸̴̕r̢͟͡i͏͟e͠͞͠҉ņ̷̧͡͠d̵̛.҉̸́͜͠
How could he do this to Min again?
He hears the door open, but he doesn't look up right away. Every bit of energy is spent trying to hit the brakes on all of these thoughts so Min doesn't have to deal with them on top of his own shit.
Finally, he sits up a little, and rubs at his eyes under his glasses. He totally wasn't crying; he's fine. But...he doesn't turn around to look at Min either. His voice sounds a little watery.]
...I haven't yet, but we need to.
[It doesn't sound like a threat or an ultimatum, despite how he brought it up initially. It's just an unfortunate reality of the situation. Ryan takes a deep breath, and it's painfully obvious this isn't what he wants either.]
You won't be able to play your synth with claws. You...know that, right?
[Deep down, Min has to know that, even if he's not thinking clearly. Even if he hasn't let himself go there.]
Your corruption seemed a little better after that whole wormhole pocket thing, so I thought it would just, you know...but it's getting worse, man.
[It's getting worse, and Ryan doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know if there's anything he can do about it, and that's even worse somehow. Min helped him so much and he can't even return the--
No, he has to stop. He has to stop or it'll leak out of his head in static and Min will hear it. Min's...sick. He can't do that do him right now.]
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It's a mission when the person you're doing all of this for doesn't want to rest, acts ungrateful, and has become wildly unpredictable. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes, three steps back. And it's a total cop-out to say 'oh this is just how we are' because it should never be like that. A relationship like that is a bad one, and what they have is good. It's worth working for.
In the face of mounting corruption, sometimes Min-Gi's head is still clear. He knows what's going on, he's grounded, his grip on reality is solid and his emotions are steady. Other times it's like he's a different person, all the worst, thorny, most savage parts of himself sitting on the outside ready to lash out. And then when he's feeling better again, with no idea what makes the switch happen, he tries to clean up the mess he's made only moments ago. It's whiplash for everyone involved and it isn't fair. This is one of those exact moments, and listening to Ryan speak makes his heart sink lower and lower.]
I know..
[Finally. Small. In answer both to the show and his getting worse. Even if he hasn't wanted to face it yet, and he hasn't, it's true and he's known deep down.
Min sighs and moves to sit beside Ryan on the step, knees up against his chest. He can't quite look over, either. There's room for both of them but only just, with hips and shoulders touching.]
I'm sorry I scared you. I knew it was something you wouldn't want to see which is why I waited until you left. I just...so wanted to find a fix on my own. Just one little thing I could make happen and do the way this world works. It sounds crazy.. I know that. And I should have told you probably. I...
...pfff- I'm losing my fucking mind, man. It's like sometimes I'm fine. I feel fine. Or lighter..or better. And then without warning I turn inside out and it all comes crashing down on me again in this, like, backwards autopilot. I guess I just thought-
I don't know what I thought. And it's messing with you and all you're doing is trying to help me. I'm Jekyll and Hyde.
[And it feels, in this moment of rising clarity, so incredibly hopeless.]
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Mostly he just...doesn't know what to say. He's sympathetic, he's been corrupted before, but...it doesn't change a lot either. He knows and he understands but it won't heal Min.
He's silent until Min mentions it's messing with him, and Ryan emphatically shakes his head.]
I should be able to handle it. You dealt with me when I was so messed up I didn't even recognize you.
["I can't even return the favor right. It's totally pathetic."]
...I know not being able to do anything sucks. I've been there. But...you don't need to do anything. The only thing you actually need to do is rest so you heal, and that's the only thing you haven't been doing.
[Ryan sighs, but he still doesn't look at Min. Instead he leans back on his palms and looks up at the sky.]
You keep making up all of this stuff you need to do, but you don't. Like, seriously, this? [He gestures at Min's injured arm.] People do this for a living, Min. If you really want that for trading, we can go and have someone who knows how to do it make you some once you're better. You really don't need to be trying to make them right now.
[And by "we" he means he'll wait outside for moral support, because even the thought of conditional blood harvesting makes him feel kind of nauseous.]
...I've said all this before, but I don't know how to make you actually believe me.
[Really, that's a core part of the problem here. Ryan can swear up and down that Min doesn't have to do anything but get better, but that won't make Min stop trying to earn money or do things to feel useful or literally bleed himself out to make crystals to buy things with.
It's like talking to a brick wall. But for a brief moment here, a fleeting second...Min sounds like himself. He sounds like himself enough that Ryan feels like he can say this much, even if he turns around later and acts like Ryan's overreacting. Right now? He can admit he has no idea what to do.]
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Feels bad, man.
Feels worse to not have an answer. He doesn't know what to do, either.]
I guess... corruption happens differently for everyone. What we can and can't deal with. I didn't handle last month well at all. I thought I could, but.. it nearly broke me, Ryan. And I feel bad saying that because it sounds like I'm saying I couldn't handle you, which isn't what I mean. I can. I did. I just mean it was hard and I didn't know what to do, either.
And I dunno, maybe you walking out was the right thing. I mean, I'm here right now. That only happened, I think, because you had a reaction?
[He doesn't know. He literally doesn't know anything, but it's a decent guess? Maybe?]
With the resting thing, I can't explain why but it feels so counterproductive. I know you're right, but I lay down and all I can think about are all the ways I don't fit into this world and all the things I could be doing to make that better.
[And he's scared.]
I just really need a win, man.
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Went better than the last reaction, that's for sure.
[Not that he actually wants to talk about it or address that elephant in the room. Instead, he finally rolls his sleeves back down, as if that will make that part of this conversation go away.]
...There's no way walking out was the right call. I mean, maybe short term? Like, we're talking now and that part's good, but...fuck, in the time it took me to get groceries you stabbed your arm! You would have flipped if I'd found a knife while I was corrupted, and you would've been right to.
[He still thinks he was right to freak out, even if he didn't handle it as well as he could have in the moment. He can't just not care that Min was hurting himself, even if there was a reason behind it.
That hangs in the air a moment, and Ryan's thoughts circle back to something Min said. Corruption happens differently for everyone. That...sounds like it's probably true. But by extension, that means--]
...Maybe resting is different for everyone too.
[It sounds kind of stupid out loud, but he keeps going with it.]
I mean - in my defense, it's what helped me and it makes sense if you think about it like, healing from a cold or a broken bone or whatever? But...maybe there's something else we can do for you.
[He finally looks up at Min, and the wheels are turning in his mind. Maybe it's as easy as that. Maybe he's been coming at this from totally the wrong angle.]
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The logic is sound. And really, this is just another kind of puzzle.
Admittedly, a shitty, extremely personal one, but weren't they all.]
Like what?
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[Hm. How does he put it?]
...stuff to do. Non-stressful stuff to do. Stuff that's not like "oh my god I need to do this or I'm somehow not a functional person in Trench no matter how many times Ryan says that's not true," y'know?
[He's smiling now though, despite the jab. He's cracked it, he's got this.]
You still need to be taking it easy, and that means you still need to actually listen when I say the world isn't going to end if you don't solve all our problems right now, but we'll just give you other stuff to do!
[Is he saying "other stuff" because he doesn't have a specific thing in mind yet? Maybe! But he'll figure it out.]
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I don't think just listening to you is something to do but.. okay.
[That isn't what Ryan said, Min-Gi. Try again.]
I couuld do other stuff. and.. I've got the blood now so I could. Send that to a specialist I guess. Can we talk about this inside?
[It's just. You know. It's dark. They're exposed out here. That train robot is still around somewhere.]
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But at least he's feeling a little better, so he swiftly moves on from it. It's kind of a shame, because the moonlight feels really good, but...he gets it.]
Yeah, sure.
[He pushes himself up onto his feet and offers a hand to help Min up. Once they're back in the safety of the house, with the locks locked, Ryan jumps right back in where he left off.]
Anyway no, that's not the kind of thing I mean. We'll just...I dunno, put it in the fridge and deal with it later? Or I can go, or something. [He pokes Min in the chest.] You're still in problem-solving mode. We're gonna come up with just for fun stuff for you to do. Or like, I dunno, really easy problem solving? I'll come up with things. You'll get it.
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He just...you know...chose a really hard, really stupid thing to do.]
Okay. I mean, it wouldn't hurt, right?
[What's the worst that can happen, he almost asks, but thinks better of it because clearly a lot of bad things can happen and why tempt fate.
He looks around the room. From here he can see the dining table and tenses a little bit.]
Hey, you wait here for a second okay? I need to clean something up. Keep talking, I'm listening.
[He's just gonna. You know. Put that knife and towel and jar away.]
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He's not going to go stab himself again, and if this attempt to heal his corruption is going to work Ryan has to trust him.
So, he makes the choice to.]
Huh? Oh, uh. Yeah. Sure, Min.
[...Wait, where was his train of thought before this? What was he saying?
...
...
...OH, right.]
But yeah, exactly - it's not like it'll make anything worse. I'm still brainstorming stuff but I'm thinking like. I dunno, books? Puzzles that have absolutely nothing to do with anyone's personal growth?
[Ryan waves a hand even though Min literally isn't in the room to see it.]
I don't know, don't judge it based on that - I'm still working the kinks out of it, like Dave Davies!
[Boooo, terrible pun. But at least he's trying to keep things light?]
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Darkblood stains too badly. The towel and the knife go. He can buy another one later. It was third hand from the bazaar, anyway.
Or, you know, until he changes his mind and spends ages scrubbing the blade clean again.
That knife might be tainted forever, though. Hard to make the decision right now.]
That was terrible.
[But still funny. He's still laughing as he comes back in, this time with two bottles of beer, courtesy of Rocky's. Dean sent him home with a mixed pack of bottles to try and learn. You have to know what you're selling, after all.]
Here. They're cold.
[Might as well enjoy this moment of clarity while it lasts.
Man, does he hate having to think like this.]
So we've got three days until the show. Better pull an Eddie Money and Get A Move On.
[Ba-dum tish]
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Thanks, man.
[He looks over the two beers and decides on the lighter-colored one of the two, and then leads Min right over to the couch. He's almost concerned about mention of the show again, but the joke sneaks up on him and he laughs.]
The only thing you need to do is what Frankie did when he got to Hollywood - Relax.
[As he talks he fiddles with his beer and his keys, using them as a makeshift bottle opener as if he's done this a hundred times before.]
Seriously though, if you're feeling better by showtime? Great. Awesome. But I care more about you than the show. The world will not end if we have to put off our grand return to the stage another week, or two, or however long it takes. And I'm only saying that because I know you, and I know if your claws aren't gone by the third day you're going to be all pissed off at yourself like you failed at something.
[The bottle cap suddenly goes flying and Tomo zooms for it. It's their toy now, and they bat it around on the floor with their teeny paws while Ryan and Min talk. Ryan smiles at him though - he really feels like he gets a piece of it that he didn't before.]
It's not a deadline, dude. It's a reward.
[It isn't that he can't work towards it, but the stakes are low. There's absolutely no reason to stress himself out over firm timelines. They can strike a balance here, Ryan's sure of it.]
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Maybe he's been looking at this all wrong. Switch it up? Take a leaf out of Ryan's book and trust the unknown? Figure it out as they go?
Kinda have to.
Because honestly? He thought he would get better after his pocket dimension meltdown, too. And when that didn't happen the only explanation was that he can't even do that right. It's too much pressure, building and building and building inside of him like this. So if they can re-frame and trick him into believing that it's the right way to handle it (as weird as it is to be conspiring against himself, but it does like he's dealing with some Other Min-Gi) then it might just work.
He is just. So tired of this.
A sharp pain begins to thread around his forearm and he looks down, holding his beer unopened beer against the wound that's starting to hurt. Maybe that's a good thing. He hadn't felt anything when he'd done it, but he can still feel the texture of blade through flesh in the back of his throat. Like cutting chicken for dinner. Eugh.
Tracing one warm line through a land so wide and savage, he thinks. A true reflection of what it is to exist in Deer Country.]
Yeah... Yeah, okay. If I'm not there yet, then I'm not there yet. It's not a deadline, it's a reward.
Remind me of that next time I turn into a total hoser?
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I'll do my best~
[Sometimes Ryan thinks in circles - not in the anxious way that Min does, but in a more literal sense. His brain will skip from thought to thought to thought, but then sometimes it loops right back around to something it didn't totally process the first time with new information layered on top of it.
Which is the only explanation Ryan really has for why he's snickering now, but he'll still try and get Min on board anyway.]
Dude. Dude. You're not Jekyll and Hyde. You're Jekyll and Hoser!
[Nailed it.]
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No, that's not a thing that's happening.
[It's funny but if he laughs then it's teaching Ryan that this terrible dad humor is acceptable and like hell he's going down that road. Give one single inch and Ryan will run a mile.
What it does do is diffuse the tension, and Min attempts to unscrew his beer before picking at it with his claws for a second and holding it out pathetically for Ryan to open for him.]
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[Ryan nudges Min with his foot. Eh? Ehhh? Come ooon, you know it was hysterical. But with bad jokes a groan is almost as good as a laugh, so he'll claim it as a win.
The better win is that Min is letting Ryan help him in even a small way like this, instead of wrecking his claws trying to pry it open. No questions or explanations are needed - Ryan just sets down his own bottle and gets to work on opening Min's.]
Remind me to teach you how to do this when you don't have claws anymore. [A beat, and then--] Or, y'know. To get you a bottle opener. But this is a pretty sweet party trick, so--
[He makes quick work of it too, turning the bottle in his hand and wriggling the key under the cap as he goes until it pops right off. Once it's open he gives it back to Min, and then raises his own bottle in a toast.]
To a smooth recovery!
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The next day (cw: high from magic healing honey)
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Tell 'em Deez Nuts sent cha
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