My blind optimism to blame

[reddosmod]

APRIL 2022 EVENT

IMAGE DESCRIPTORS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
Prompt One
[Image One: A large green butterfly.]
[Image Two: A woman staring in a daze at light orbs floating around her face.]

Prompt Two
[Image One: A volcano with meteors falling down around it.]
[Image Two: A ball of quivering light hovering in the dark with woman standing in front.]

Prompt Three
[Image One: A woman staring at a mirror-like humanoid being staring back at her.]
[Image Two: A woman in a field of grass with humanoid-shaped flower sculptures nearby.]

[NAVIGATION]

Prompt 1 • Prompt 2 • Prompt 3 • Plotting • Newsletter

[JUMP TO COMMENTS]

MIGRATION OF MOONLIT BUTTERFLIES

WHEN: April
WHERE: Everywhere outside
CONTENT WARNINGS: Hopelessness/corruption, heavy themes of mental trauma/health, killing of gentle creatures.

---

Excerpt from BEASTS OF DEER COUNTRY Chapter 12: Migrations:

"One of the most beautiful natural phenomena of Deer Country is the migration of the mysterious Moonlit Butterflies. These giant creatures are most often the size of a house, with exceptional wingspans. Fear not: they are not violent creatures. Most will fly well above the city of Trench, leaving trails of glittering orbs of light that fall all throughout the city. However, it is common for some Moonlit Butterflies to land and rest throughout Trench. Despite their massive size, these creatures appear to weigh very little, able to rest harmlessly on homes, lampposts, and the like. Don't be surprised to find some scattered throughout your neighborhood.

They have a gentle aura about them and are most famous for their behemoth wings which glow a radiant green. They are aptly named due to their ability to store immense power from the moon during April and are seen as distant children of Argonaut. Being near them will enchant the air with the scent of amber and fresh linen, and you may hear a soothing song emit from these beasts.

Despite their rare and incredible beauty, it is wise to not linger in their presence no matter how captivating they are...And they are captivating. Many residents of Trench have been known to stop and stare, enthralled by the wings or the orbs of light that are shed by the butterflies. Those who have been staring for too long will have an unnatural glowing green glaze over their eyes, obscuring their pupil and gaze. This is known as the Moonlit Drain.

These butterflies do not gather all of their energy from moonlight...but they gather it from hopeful beings as well. It is why they gather among populations of sentient beings. They soak up all hope in the area and the longer you stand in their presence, the more hopeless you may become. Standing in the presence of a Moonlit Butterfly has driven people to rapid, severe corruption in under ten minutes. It is best to avoid these butterflies no matter how mesmerizing they may be to look at.

The little orbs of light are actual manifestation of everyone's hope. Touching them may restore hope and they can be gathered into jars for future treatments of corruption. They do not "go bad" as they are the essence of emotion. One way to restore hope to a corrupt or beast-ridden soul is to slay one of the Moonlit Butterflies. They are incredibly easy to kill as they are naturally delicate and non-hostile.

Be warned: the one who slays a Moonlit Butterfly will be consumed with instantaneous corruption and possibly even beasthood. But once the butterfly has been slain, anyone in the surrounding area besides the killer will have corruption alleviated. Killing a Moonlit Butterfly has been known to fill people with incredible grief and guilt. Few have survived."

WONDERKIND

WHEN: April
WHERE: Everywhere outside
CONTENT WARNINGS: Possible spoilers per canon, time/vortex style presence, variety of possible monsters.

---

Excerpt from an essay titled "The Wonderkind Pthumerian" from the book The Curious Nature of the Weakest Pthumerian: Argonaut and Misconceptions:

"Most of the other Patron Pthumerians are known for exceptional strength and durability during trying times. It is only Argonaut in which people think of weakness. They believe the Patron to be a fickle, tiny thing with little worth, but there is a unique and powerful quality to Argonaut that should not be overlooked.

This is the phenomenon known as Wonderkind. It has only been known to happen once every few years and only ever during April, but those who have seen it would testify to the hidden strengths of our explorer Patron. There is much to be said about curiosity and resilience, after all. Argonaut has wandered through the lives of many without most ever realizing it. He has likely seen into your own life, curious about the odd Sleepers that show up on the shores of this world.

Wonderkind appears as a meteor shower, but these are no meteors. Balls of flaming light will fall from the sky, silent, beautiful, striking, and somewhat ominous and terrifying. They rain upon Trench in intervals throughout April. They do not crash into the city so much as glide throughout. These balls of light are shimmering orbs that have split open time and space itself into unraveling cocoons, exposing portals into worlds foreign to this one.

These portals cannot be entered for they are not portals out of this world...But portals into this world. Sleepers have claimed to find beloved items and pull them out of these portals. Some may find old pets that come out to greet them. It can be a lucky and cherished event for many. Tragically, these portals do not seem to be able to bring in sentient beings applicable characters, but you may be able to talk briefly to a loved one who isn't yet in this world.

But that's not all that can crawl through these portals...Monsters from other worlds have been known to flock to these portals and make their way through. Monsters from your worlds or other worlds slip in to wreak havoc on the streets of Trench. It is during this time that it is of the utmost importance that our Hunters take up arms and protect the vulnerable. If you recognize the monsters or disasters from your world entering ours, then please, make sure to caution those against it.

The portals close after a few hours and cannot be manually closed by anyone. Nothing can be sent into portals, but one can stand by a portal and guard it for potential dangers. Portals from your world may reappear several times throughout the month, so don't let your guard down for even a moment, and always expect the worst even when hoping for the best."

Quick Facts:

1. Respect the setting. Do not bring in monsters that would be capable of destroying the world/city/etc.

2. Things like unique plants/items can be gained through these portals.

3. You do not need to engage with portals from your own canon. You can invent new worlds, engage with other canons, or alternate universes. It's up to you.

FROM WITHIN AND WITHOUT

WHEN: April
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Instant beasthood, corruption of soul, draining of soul, replication of soul, mistreatment of sex workers/night walkers.

---

An excerpt from a journal kept by a Night Walker named Charlotte Finch. Finch was known for being one of the first established Night Walkers and was known for her advocacy on the front of Night Walker work and its relationship to beasthood. This journal is kept in the Archives. It contains content pertinent to Beasthood yet, unfortunately, due to ongoing biases against Night Walkers, this journal is kept in the autobiography section rather than the section for beasthood. Good luck finding it.

"the job of the Night Walker is, of course, undervalued by this world. we do our best to soothe the troubled souls of this place and yet they continue to doubt our worth. what must we do to convince them? must we wield blades to show them how we fight? must we shed blood to prove our dedication? must we pick up books to show our intelligence? nei, we not do that. we sleep beside our worn hunters and rest heads upon the chests of scholars and hold the tired hands of architects. we guide the way to light in a way disciples could never.

all us are valuable, it be true, but why must the night walker be left to the wayside? why must our duties be written off? why must it be that it always a night walkers blood in the streets that leaves no tears to be shed? nei, nei, it is hatred of those who understand the soul and body have a close connection.

you know what i believe? these souls of ours change the landscape of our bodies. you cannot have one without the other. when the soul is corrupt, it only be natural that the body corrupts, turning rigid and hideous and monsterous and beastly. aye yes i have seen it myself, though none of the others believe except for other night walkers.

you see, there is a shape that comes to us in the Long Night of april, a shape much like our own. looking like a person ought to look but with no face and no features, like a mirror glimmering in the shape of you. they look like us, and they will mimic us. these odd mirror beings is the shape of our soul, you see, and once it finds you, it will copy you, and you will be driven mad! mad! how does this thing move as you move? how does it replicate what you replicate?

aye, it is your soul, my friend. your soul in a shape you can see. or something like it, may not soul be in your lexicon. it is you, as you are it. it is the Tether between you and beasthood, see what i say. the Tether will begin to soak into you if you let it, if you let it consume you, and it will consume you rapidly. people have been known to be ravaged by the Tether and turn into beasts within seconds, AYE yes, seconds, not minutes, into a vicious beast. the Tether wins.

But you need not let it be a victor, my friend. you see, we proved it, we did, us night walkers, we proved to lay with the Tether is to soothe the Tether. Allow yourself the kindness of another soul, another companion. touch and feel and express companionship. holding the hand of your lover or your friend or your brother or sister will cause the Tethers to weaken before ye very eyes! i do swear it, my friend, i should not lie on a subject i hold so dear.

you see, when we hold one another dear, when we cherish one anothr truly and wholly, we abate the darkness in our souls. listen to your companions, my sweet friends, and let your souls heal, and you can stop the Tether from consuming. you see, you see. surely you see. this is what it looks like. the Tether is always with us, but only in April under this moon can we see it always and will it be vicious and invasive. do not allow it.

do not allow it."

Quick Facts:

1. Tethers will take the exact body shape/size of you and mimic your moves. They may follow you around for several hours/days. Once they decide to "consume" you, it will be quick. It will essentially look like your body is turning metallic and then you become a beast.

While Charlotte states it happens in a matter of seconds, this can happen in several hours/days as well. Depends on the character and their general resolve.

2. People can be pulled back from this through emotional support whether verbally or physically and general acts of kindness. It's the sincerity that matters here. You do not need to be familiar with the person to help them.

3. Everyone can see each other's Tethers so you can determine how severe someone's Tether has become. The more severe the Tether, the more silvery the impacted person will look.

4. Tethers cannot be destroyed with weaponry/attacks. Trying will only hurt the person they are mimicking. You could actually kill someone by trying to "kill" their Tether. The tether will vanish with those who died but reappear once they have reincarnated.

CODING

Comments

[asas]

Hm, [ just a second. more because he was going through his mental library of anime and movies, but in the end— he knows the answer that didn't only tell him something about who he was, it changed his life. ] Karasuno High School vs. [ an unmentioned team to this date in canon, ], 2008 Spring Interhigh Tournament.

[ shoyo was 11 at the time, a bare pre-teen— it wasn't an anime, or a movie. it was a game. that round swirly ball of yellow, blue and white really did become his life, and he's never been the same since. it wasn't just about it being volleyball— there was something far more to it, because shoyo hadn't taken interest before that. he was trying other sports, playing baseball with his friends.

in the meantime, the chicken that shoyo had scooped up earlier takes a peek inside the room, keeps a watchful eye on lazarus, then decides it's alright to walk in to take a spot on his bed. no, not shoyo's bed, his bed. egg has his own little nest bed that looks more like where a dog should be, but he's quite content in making his way across the wooden floorboards and nestling into comfort. he'll leave those two alone! ]

[hearthebell]

[On a night he's failed and would really rather be anyone other than who he is, L is all too grateful to sink into someone else's enthusiasm. It could be anything, probably; bioluminescent algae and the serial numbers of antique cash registers would be equally interesting to him, because it isn't in his own mind, chipping away at him determinedly.

His mind is an easier place to exist when Lycka's around, but she isn't. Instead, there's... a chicken. His eyes follow Egg as he makes his way back to his little house, seeming to roost for the night (or at least the time being.)]

Why don't we watch that then? If you have a way, I'd like to see it... unless you'd rather see something new to you.

[asas]

[ well, he has watched it more than he can count already, so it's nothing obscenely new to him— if anything, it sheds light on shoyo, if that is an interesting topic at hand, but . . . shoyo has an answer already. ]

My new phone has all of them. [ like, all of the games. ever. folding his knees up and scooting into lazarus' side to show him, shoyo scrolls his thumb up to reveal an entire library of watched and unwatched games listed on the omni's screen. the swiping finger curls and returns to a hand that hovers up by his chest and makes the heart skipping move to place it on lazarus' knee. just. right there. a single, flirting pat. ] But I like trying new things, too— just so you know.

[ but if lazarus wanted to see it, shoyo wouldn't disagree at the slightest. ah, and now the question everyone was waiting for: ]

Isn't Lycka coming out? [ he lifts his head and pulls it to the side as if to get a better look at something from a distance, ] Or is she already hiding somewhere?

[ he's seen her around lazarus' wrist, occasionally, all small and cute. surely she wanted to hang out with them, too—? ]

[hearthebell]

[L stiffens initially at the sudden pressing contact, but welcomes and melts into it quickly. He came here feeling completely broken and scattered into pieces, and gradually he's starting to feel man-shaped again, something like a person, something like a person this enthusiastic volleyball player cares for.

It's not good to put something broken back together too quickly. Mistakes can be made and fixations formed, but broken people, scattered people, and drowning people can be very selfish.]

I had a feeling, but... now that I know for sure, I'll remember.

[He's selfish, horribly and hatefully so, as he reaches for Shōyō's hand, gathering it from his knee and twining their fingers. He's never been a careful gambler; it's always been everything, or nothing, and he's learned no recent lessons in spite of coming here broken-scattered-drowned.

He should get better before he attaches himself to a new identity-cause-goal.

He does not, and just like that...

...well, not quite. Shōyō's question has L reluctant to meet his gaze. Like most omens, Lycka is the best of everything inside him.

She's furious; she's abandoned him, which means, obliquely, that he has abandoned himself. She's disappointed and disgusted with every turn the evening has taken.]

I think she's out for the same reason your roommate is out. Unless he's a marathoner... no run would last this long, I'd think, not without another good reason.

[He pushes away the pain and loss and emptiness and replaces it with the warmth and sweetness of Shōyō's lips against his. He's learned something since their first kiss, after all, and the result is both softer and hungrier. It's an effort to erase everything that's happened tonight and fill it up with something he would rather feel, and it's horribly, terribly selfish.

He wants to obliterate anything The Emperor left, and Shōyō has no idea. How could he? L tells nobody, gives nobody the grace of knowing. He just takes and steals and devours like something blind and infant, rooting and burrowing through the darkness for something that can permit him to exist.]

[asas]

[ there was a simple answer to that, one that shoyo doesn't get to mutter nor even twist to tell half the truth— oh, he's just out— because they've already talked about this together, and oikawa was the first to understand leaving the house for a bit of comfortable privacy. so, yes, he's out. he's out and he might take a while to get back.

had shoyo known the story, how it started, how it ended, he would want to talk about it— help him through it the best that he could, be absolutely worried sick that something so dreadful has happened but glad he was okay. now, the truth would be forever undermined, omitted into something that if he ever did find out about, that and of other things hidden in the shadows . . . it would become a massive, hurtful lie.

but he doesn't know, does he? he doesn't know about everything. all he knows is that lazarus has had a bad day and needed time to talk about it, which shoyo gives without question. he's having his fingers weaved with another set, and before the surprise can catch him from the chin up, there are lips to silence his.

the inevitable sparks light him up, he feels like his heart has stopped for a split second but was, actually, skipping fleetingly in preparation to batter as shoyo pursed his lips in turn, tipped his head to accommodate and— accepted, just like that, so easily. because it was easy, when you are under the impression that there wasn't anything glaringly wrong.

only someone who he's believing, more and more, enjoys him as much as he does. oh, he was going to talk first, about the other day, ask him out, put on the game. picanha already does that. the room is lit dimly and comfortably, the wall is having a volleyball game projected onto it by the eyes of his omen (who really would rather be turned that way, become stone-still and non-living), and shoyo welcomes him fully. by mouth, readily keeping up with a hunger that was matched (and reminded of how much he'd wanted to do this again), by hand, his thumbs rubbing the other's hand, and his own remaining limb, finding its way to a bare neck and damp strands of hair, all warm and shower-fresh to the touch.

this was fine to get lost in. it was wonderfully, terribly fine. ]

[hearthebell]

[At the end of all of it, L wants to be a fortress. He wants to make sure that even if he can pass for a human being, he's always better, stronger, smarter than other humans. Always one step ahead, always one move in advance of his opponent's, and isn't that the root of his injury tonight?

Shōyō should know, and could probably help suck the poison out. He will also not know, not as long as L has any say in the matter, because L is fiercely competent. He'll take care of Shōyō and make him happy; he'll trust that whatever Shōyō asks for, the reasons aren't complicated, regardless of whatever L has to contort himself into to comply.

He'll be an excellent, steadfast, and dedicated partner, whatever it takes. It is, after all, all he has right now, even if knowing that he will probably be the villain in Shōyō's story someday is awful, horrible, difficult, bad.

His kisses are deep and biding, less clumsy than the last time they were this way entangled. His hands stray less; maybe he knows that what he's already taken is too much, maybe he wants to focus on just one art. Either way, his hands are clasped behind Shōyō's neck as he pushes him back, to press the other's back against the mattress, and... what?

Absorb? Possess? Devour? Does he want any of that as much as he just wants to know that another human being wants to be with him, right now, when his own soul can't even stand it?]

[asas]

[ oh, bliss, he didn’t get kneed in any important places. they fumbled less, had a better idea as where to smooth out the first time kinks, that much was smooth and easily going. shōyō took him deeper, invited him deeper when their mouths crushed and lapsed, when the pressure of his hand behind lazarus’ nape was willing to pull him down with him. plush and comfy on his back with his knees propped, fingers simply— feeling, hair and tongue sliding by teeth and gums in a fleeting way, a way that seemed to fit when he searched and kept his momentum slow, digesting every moment, but still eagerly hungry.

he has to break only because this time, he forgets to breathe; his chest doesn’t heave as if he’s gone through a rough marathon, but he does need a moment to catch up, and of course, watch and see the face that what was pressed against his palms and admired from here.

it was the opposite of everything that L had storming his own thoughts: i’m glad you’re here, this is great, you’re great and i’m here. these soft brown eyes that have found one more thing to be passionate about, and he’s looking right at it. ]

At least, [ he says, with a breathy laugh and bringing a thumb to follow the line of his lower eyelid to the outer contour of his thin cheek, ] we don’t have to worry about someone walking in?

[ because, at least this is his bed, and although he shares a home, it’s theirs, right now. ]

[hearthebell]

[Kissing, like most things, get better with practice. The two of them share dedication as a binding trait in common, so it stands to reason that the more they do this, the sooner they'll become virtuosos at the craft. That's the simple and direct way to think about this, now that they're pressed together on a bed for the second time, lips locked and biding and exploring.

He pulls back, giving Shōyō the space to breathe. He regards Shōyō with some breathlessness of his own, but they're not equal that way; it's so typical for Shōyō, isn't it, to give his all?

The face that looks back at him is uncomplicated, glad and welcoming. He's going to change that, he was always going to change that; he's not as great as Shōyō believes. Would it be lying to give his all, too? Is trying a form of deceit, knowing that it wouldn't have happened organically?

He stills under Shōyō's light, caressing touch, trying to find the humor in a moment that probably mortified them for very different reasons.]

That's good to know...

[One of the many advantages of having an established residence, too. The momentum of the kiss having stalled, momentarily, he presses a gentle one against Shōyō's neck before nestling his face there, draping an arm over his chest and finding the best way to snuggle bones up against well-conditioned muscle.]

Speaking of discretion, we... probably should. I've never been in a situation like this before, having... someone, this way. If you don't want others to know what we've done, or... might work our way to doing... I understand fully.

[He's used to being a secret.]

[asas]

[ despite a short stature, shoyo had arms that seemed perfect for an embrace— not too large, but definitely not thin. they have an athletic puff to them, thick enough to show off his hard efforts and guard the body that rests upon him well. a hand that once at the other's nape rises some ways to the back of his head, to hold him up here just as much as he wanted to cradle him by the back and shoulders. with a fluttering, tumbling stomach that played a smile right on his lips when pecked and huddled, shoyo makes sure to coil comfortably around lazarus, complete with his cheek pressed against his head and a leg hiked up to trap his side.

no escape, only cuddles now. warm, warm cuddles when lazarus still had that fresh-hot shower feel, and his nose was stuck in his hair. it smelled like his soap . . . he also remembers, half-way through a deep inhale, that lazarus was shy, or had said so at the party. ]

Y'know, it makes me really excited, [ jump, rush, adrenaline, all of that, ] thinking about holding your hand in public.

[ this wasn't about him when he was brimming with enough confidence and energy to come out with it. oikawa's given him easy encouragement, and he's not half as horny as the kids he caught in the bathroom! or nishinoya! ]

But If you're uncomfortable with it, I can definitely hold up and hold your hand indoors. I'd understand. [ especially since he knows he's "shy". the game projection before them has begun, with paps and whistles sounding high to signal scored. ] —Are we dating?

[ the plan had been to ask him out, but. hm. he needs to make sure they both make sure! ]

[hearthebell]

[This is nice. It's so different from what L left some time ago that it's easy enough to pretend, at least for just now, that it never even happened.

Maybe that's why, nestled in the warm tangle of limbs, clean and snug and peaceful, L says something very foolish.]

It makes you excited? Not... embarrassed, or--

[Afraid. He should be afraid, there are enemies, there will be a host of them before long.]

That depends on if this is a date, and if there will be more of them. Like... ice cream in the park, or a boat ride on the canals, or going somewhere we would ordinarily, just together.

[asas]

[ no. no, his shakes his head on top of lazarus', feeling a surging little thrill just thinking about it that makes him briefly shiver up and down. he even strengthens a squeeze with his arms, and bring them closer belly-to-belly. most of this is from the eager joy in confirming this (and more) as a date. ]

And movies, and donuts . . . [ speaking of donuts— these are still behind him and in grave danger of tipping sideways! relinquishing his hold on lazarus for a moment, shoyo reaches behind him for a box of simple, sugary pastries. nothing exemplary, since trench lacks in anything too modern or flashy, but it's not fish, or mushrooms. they are, perhaps, fake donuts. shoyo then pulls his head back just enough to look downwards and lock eyes. ] Can this be a date?

[hearthebell]

[It feels good, even safe, to be hugged that way. Too bad he's the source of all the danger, the reason they both have to feel afraid.

He sinks into Shōyō at the urging, nevertheless. The contact is nice; the confirmation is nice.]

Of course...

[Like someone else, who actually deserves those things with this wonderful person. How long can it last?]

Of course this can be a date. I'm glad.

[asas]

[ his grin practically splits across his face. he's happy, ecstatic that they're on the same page, and so far it was a smooth transition? oikawa had really helped shoyo there, with inexperience so largely dominating this part of his life. it's been neglected, really. his affection has always belonged to something else. something round that would cause his hand to sting. shoyo rolls onto his side and plants a kiss on the corner a lazarus' thin lips and causes a smack to pop between them. it's obvious that he was a "me too" on this, pressing his forehead to lazarus' brow and molding his palms to his cheeks. ]

I've never had a boyfriend before. Or a girlfriend—

[ which may have been a surprise, but wholly true. ]

[hearthebell]

[The transition is incredibly smooth, so much that perhaps it should bode poorly to them. L feels as though he's momentarily given the reins of his life over to someone else who can ease and smooth out all the things he clearly finds so difficult. It's gentle; it's a relief, and he is very good at falling into line once he feels the course is set.

This is the course: he is Shōyō's boyfriend, Lazarus Sauveterre, maybe-French, smart enough to be on CSI. He's getting to be a good kisser; his interest in sports is enough to sustain any of Shōyō's excitable rambles. He's happy; he's content. He's excited for the future.

It's like knowing who he is again, at least having something to hang that onus on, after having his ego so thoroughly deconstructed earlier in the evening. He hasn't fully processed that, what it means going forward, what it means for his Bond with Paul, but being happy-content-maybe-French-Lazarus-boyfriend-Sauveterre-sports-CSI-kisser means he doesn't have to yet. It can rest, and wait, and maybe when he's ready to look at it again, it will be toothless and gentle and painless.]

I haven't, either.

[For so very many good reasons. Did he want a boyfriend or a girlfriend? He honestly can't remember if he did, whether it was a difficult sacrifice to make or one that barely mattered.]

It's surprising in your case, though. I've heard that the Olympic Village gets... busy.

[All those young bodies in peak physical condition together in close quarters... wouldn't it make sense?]

Have you never even thought about it before?

[asas]

[ oh, oof, shoyo's grin goes a little lopsided, but his grip on the body sharing his space doesn't; fingers swiftly glide through loose strands at the back of lazarus' head. it's not as if shoyo didn't see so much flirting happening, and whatnot. ]

Maybe a few times? In high school? [ the volleyball club's manager, kiyoko shimizu, had once made him want to burst with fluster. she was deathly pretty, obviously, everyone would say that— ] But I hadn't figured out guys, and girls would never look at me, 'cuz I was real short— Someone asked why a grade-schooler was on the bleachers once . . .

[ a small raise of his shoulder then, in a weak-half shrug that doesn't seem too bothered by it today. he's put on a few more inches and he has a sick jump. oh, but he could acknowledge how much it stung back then, for his own self-esteem. the background noise of their comfy bed snuggle sums up at a coach's whistle, to which shoyo lifts his head just enough to regard the projected screen against the wall.

karasuno's #10 was up, front and center. his name was tenma udai. ]

After I hit a real spike for the first time . . . That's all I ever really thought about. [ volleyball, volleyball— and volleyball. he points at the screen: ] This started everything.

[hearthebell]

[Throughout his life, L's struggled to appreciate the things most other people do, but even he stops and notices when he's in the presence of real passion and devotion. From the very beginning after arriving in Trench, that had stood out about Shōyō, and L had hinged connection on it, however else they might be different.

Most other ways, in truth. It makes this soothing snuggle no less so. Could L even stand being around someone too much like him, right now?

No; that's why he'd sent Paul home.]

You do talk about volleyball like someone you're in love with, you know.

[Not that he means it in a bad way, or even a jealous one. He's in the infant stages of learning that there might be room for a person as well as a passion in that regard.]

[asas]

Eh—

[ he's surprised— in that, it's being compared to being in love with someone! like, he's never stopped to consider it! his cheeks might've gotten darker, a touch warmer, especially so close like this. he's never been in love with someone. he knows he loves volleyball, though. he knows he really likes lazarus. is it the same kind? should it be? can he love two "someones" at once?! (maybe he's getting flustered over nothing.)

he remembers, faintly, something oikawa said about mutual enjoyment. volleyball is shoyo's thing, but he can't help but to wonder now, quickly, since this is the first actual time he's sharing his intimate life with someone else— ]

That's not— Bad for you, right?

[hearthebell]

What? No...

[At least, he doesn't think so. He has passions, too, and secrets, and things that no other humans have a place meddling in. He would probably put up with anything from a lover,; in time, Shōyō might come to learn just how horrifyingly nonexistent this boundary is. For now, it's just cool, and very chill. It seems not only really fair, but also...]

If I screw up, you have something else to go to that will never let you down.

[asas]

[ there’s something soft and confused breathes past shōyō’s lips: huh? it just— it doesn’t feel right, for two reasons. his state to lazarus grows more lengthy and grave, combing a finger through a lock of black hair that’s messily over his nose and eyes, until it’s behind his ear. he could see his face now, a whole lot of it, including dark rings from a lack of sleep, too much sugar or both. ]

Hey . . . No, [ the palm of his hand is warm as it sits against his cheek, eventually. ] there’s no comparison between you and volleyball.

[ volleyball was volleyball. lazarus was lazarus. sports gave him one rush that would never rise to match what lazarus managed to stir, and vice versa. he takes in a breath and is sure to make honest eye contact to speak: ]

S’long as we’re open with each other, y’know? And we talk— It’s okay to mess up. [ that was a human thing to do. that’s what being social and different from your peers would bring. differences. ] We all do. But that’s what’s . . . Amazing about you. You’re different from me. From anyone I’ve known.

[ he doesn’t want that difference to change, neither does he want to prepare for failure when he’s never had the spirit to. he’s always looked toward winning, and succeeding. and if it wasn’t enough, trying his best to succeed. ]

M’not gonna ghost on you. [ not even when shōyō was at his angriest at his own rival, it didn’t happen. ] For nothing.

[hearthebell]

[Pale face barer and more exposed than usual, L's eyes are wide and questioning. Has he screwed up already? Was that intended lighthearted remark a little too bittersweet?

How the hell can he be open with anyone? He's going to mess up, he already has, he'll just continue to do it until it wouldn't be fair to ask Shōyō to put up with him anymore. Just like earlier tonight, when he sent Paul home with a mass murderer rather than risk him being in L's presence for a second longer.

His smile is more broken and twitchy than he wants it to be. At least when he tells people to leave, it's on his terms. Shōyō saying he won't just makes L appreciate him more, and no, that's hardly ideal, if he wants to not be selfish about all this.

If only Shōyō knew why he is different, and why that's a bad thing and a ticking time bomb.]

I'll do my best.

[I'll let you down, I'll let you--]

Can I... I just need the lavatory. Sorry... I'll be right back?

[His heart is hammering. It's like he can't get enough air inside his lungs.]

[asas]

[ see? this will all go swimmingly. with a satisfied smile and eyes that say the same thing: me too!, shōyō’s smile as much as his adoration stays blinded from what’s happening there, behind the scenes. ]

Sure. [ he plants a lingering, easy kiss on lazarus’ forehead, holding him just a little more . . . before relinquishing his hood with a dramatic spread of his limbs on the bed. ] Remember that we’ve got donuts.

[ he pulls at the handle of the box and gives it a gentle shake in the air— then sets it right on top of his belly. ]

[hearthebell]

[The kiss lingers, and L almost does, too, grasping with uncertain and vaguely desperate fingers at strands of red hair when Shōyō’s face presses close.

Those fingers were gone, just a little over an hour ago before they were bizarrely and uncomfortably regrown.]

Donuts... right! I'm excited and I'll... seriously just be a second.

[He shuffles off to the room he just showered in, turning on the sink and letting cold water run over his hands. He presses them into his burning cheeks, trying to consciously deepen his breaths and slow the pounding of his heart.

It works, after five minutes? Ten or more? Lycka would have soothed him sooner, but Lycka's gone. He stares for a few minutes at the hollow eyes of a stranger in the mirror, presses the corners of his slack lips up to remind himself what a smile looks like. The taut skin looks strange, forced, and like it's divorced from his frightened eyes, but he has a reason to smile; Shōyō wants him here, and might in fact be the only one.

He opens the door, slinking back to bed and nestling more insistently and earnestly against Shōyō’s side.]

If you haven't eaten in awhile... do you ever get lightheaded and queasy? I'm alright, just embarrassed. I won't jump up like that again, I promise.

[asas]

[ shoyo had kept his eyes on the screen in the meantime, following a ball from one courtside to another; picanha was a little insistent about keeping an eye on lazarus, but shoyo had stayed blind to it, too happy and fluttery and bubbling to really consider anything else. the perception was a gift he had, and his crow maintains it even is he's a little sightless. they talk about it a bit, between themselves as twin souls do, which only really sounds like shoyo talking quietly to himself— c'mon, he said he had a hard day. i don't want to make him uncomfortable. if he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't need to. right? let him have a good time.

the sound of the bathroom door creaking open has shoyo swerving around, throwing his arms out and his back against the cushion to dramatically "catch" his partner into a playful rolling embrace.

but the question is worrying, and it shows in features that were once bright and quickly deescalating. ]

I . . . Never got to that point. [ high-performance athlete here who counts his calories down to the decimal, probably, and makes sure that that never happens! it hardly can when he always seems to be hungry anyway. but he imagines so? the body needs energy and when you don't have anything to give its hungry energy burner, it wants to shut off. like a malnourished computer. ] Did you forget to eat?

[ he quickly takes a single donut, and promptly hands lazarus the entire box. ]

[hearthebell]

[L gets swept up easily in a tangle of limbs, and it startles something like laughter from him, a weak and shaky sound. He hugs Shōyō back, and can't help but cling a little bit to a lifeline through the panic of uncertainty.]

Really? Yeah... I forget to eat all the time.

[Never has a truth been more obvious.]

I guess I get a little weird when I'm that hungry.

[Wouldn't it be nice if he could blame all of this flighty stressed grim fear on hunger? He takes the offered box of donuts after propping himself up and criss-crossing his ankles in front of him, choosing to believe that they'll make it better, that it will at least be an improvement once he's put away one or several.]

What did I miss? Has the score changed?

[asas]

[ hah . . . yeah. just let the donuts fix everything. relationships 101! trust in the donuts. shōyō has to sit up cross-legged as well, popping the baked good into his mouth and letting it puff his cheeks out. he considers pulling his pillow over to fill in the empty space in his lap, but . . . what if . . . unless—?

he could scoot up behind him . . . and begin the process of arranging himself, all while pointing, lively and bright eyed, ahead of them. ]

Yeah— keep an eye on their number ten. He’s gonna play first row now.

[ karasuno is a few points in the lead, but in volleyball, it’s never enough to be in the clear. lazarus would notice that the number ten— he’s the smallest one on the entire team. yet, he still jumps and attacks with the air and firepower of someone grand. it’s as shōyō and the announcer says as he scores spikes, point after point— and where, by now, shōyō has rested his chin on lazarus’ shoulder, and leans in with the intensity of a child seeing a world wonder. ]

I saw him play, right there— and I got inspired. I wanted to go to the same school, and I even ended up wearing his number.