Yeah, that statement hits hard. For as quiet as Ochako says it, it feels like thunder in his ears and it makes stomach coil tightly in disgust at himself. Just as much as that sad fucking look in Ochako's eyes did, when he shut her down before getting up. Ochako isn't stupid, Katsuki doesn't think that for even a second and yet he's gone and treated her like she is. Like he's going to be able to fucking fool her--his best fucking friend, just as much as he's been trying to fool himself into thinking he's got this corruption shit under control on his own. Why is he fucking like this?! Why can't he stop being like this? Always pushing people away when they don't deserve that, when they do nothing but try to see him and accept him and help him?
He knows exactly why. It's the same pathetic bullshit he's been grappling with ever since encountering that black hole in the catacombs with Vi. Bakugou Katsuki doesn't deserve those kindnesses. Doing better, trying to be better, it doesn't fucking absolve any of the heinous shit he's done to so many people. To Deku. How the hell can he allow anything like that to happen when he hasn't even owned up to the grocery list of offenses he's stacked up over the years? What gives him the right?
It's one hell of an inner war to fight. Continuing to keep people at arms length to protect them from it--from his awful nature while he tries to unravel that tangled fucking mess and learn to be different, when he knows it actually hurts them just as much... if not more, to do so. No matter what move he makes, it's all going to wind up being fucking trash.
And feeling that way about himself? It pisses him the fuck off. It's weak. It's not getting him or anyone else he cares about anywhere, to allow himself to sink that damn low. No one wins here, and that's unacceptable to him. Winning is all he knows, all he wants. In any scenario, any fight... even ones that he has no fucking clue about, like matters of the heart.
He refuses to lose. That's why he came home. That's why he's here right now, hovering over with elbows now braced against the sink to contain the blood he's deemed pointless to wipe away since it seems like it isn't about to stop trickling from his eyes and nose for the time being. Waiting, for Ochako to come back with the incense that'll... be at least a first step in the right direction in terms of curbing some of his corruption. One of many that he intends to take tonight, to try to fucking fix the mess he's made once again. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Katsuki fucking promised her, and he doesn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep.
When he hears her footsteps return, Katsuki doesn't turn around, but he does speak.] I already know I've been acting like an asshole, but if you wanna tear me a new one for it... have at.
that icon hurts my heart as much as your tag does ;A;
Yeah, that statement hits hard. For as quiet as Ochako says it, it feels like thunder in his ears and it makes stomach coil tightly in disgust at himself. Just as much as that sad fucking look in Ochako's eyes did, when he shut her down before getting up. Ochako isn't stupid, Katsuki doesn't think that for even a second and yet he's gone and treated her like she is. Like he's going to be able to fucking fool her--his best fucking friend, just as much as he's been trying to fool himself into thinking he's got this corruption shit under control on his own. Why is he fucking like this?! Why can't he stop being like this? Always pushing people away when they don't deserve that, when they do nothing but try to see him and accept him and help him?
He knows exactly why. It's the same pathetic bullshit he's been grappling with ever since encountering that black hole in the catacombs with Vi. Bakugou Katsuki doesn't deserve those kindnesses. Doing better, trying to be better, it doesn't fucking absolve any of the heinous shit he's done to so many people. To Deku. How the hell can he allow anything like that to happen when he hasn't even owned up to the grocery list of offenses he's stacked up over the years? What gives him the right?
It's one hell of an inner war to fight. Continuing to keep people at arms length to protect them from it--from his awful nature while he tries to unravel that tangled fucking mess and learn to be different, when he knows it actually hurts them just as much... if not more, to do so. No matter what move he makes, it's all going to wind up being fucking trash.
And feeling that way about himself? It pisses him the fuck off. It's weak. It's not getting him or anyone else he cares about anywhere, to allow himself to sink that damn low. No one wins here, and that's unacceptable to him. Winning is all he knows, all he wants. In any scenario, any fight... even ones that he has no fucking clue about, like matters of the heart.
He refuses to lose. That's why he came home. That's why he's here right now, hovering over with elbows now braced against the sink to contain the blood he's deemed pointless to wipe away since it seems like it isn't about to stop trickling from his eyes and nose for the time being. Waiting, for Ochako to come back with the incense that'll... be at least a first step in the right direction in terms of curbing some of his corruption. One of many that he intends to take tonight, to try to fucking fix the mess he's made once again. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Katsuki fucking promised her, and he doesn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep.
When he hears her footsteps return, Katsuki doesn't turn around, but he does speak.] I already know I've been acting like an asshole, but if you wanna tear me a new one for it... have at.