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Who: Kaneki and OPEN
What: Ken's daily life
When: beginning of the month
Where: Around Trench

Greenhouse, books and a dog
cw; possible mentions of mental issues, ptsd

[ Thanks to the Wonderkind portals last month, Kaneki was able to get some special gifts for himself> coffee plants. Of course that means the half-ghoul will do his best to grow and propagate the plants, and hopefully eventually get the beans in order to roast and make coffee. It won't be a steady flow of coffee, he doesn't think but he hopes to at least get some for himself and a couple more people.

However, Kaneki has to learn on his own a lot about plants. He never did that in his whole life but that won't intimidate him: with the many books he took from the Archives, Ken sits on the porch of his house, reading some of the books he brought that specifically talk about coffee and its plants. Nearby the house there is also glass and a plastic tarp and by the looks of it, Kaneki seems to be wanting to build a greenhouse. There are many gardening tools, however it's clear Ken is slightly confused by the whole process... it's a lot! Building a greenhouse, learning how to take care of plants, re-potting and growing... ]

... Maybe I should ask for help on the network... [ besides him, his Lamp Friend is still there, not set anywhere, but handing around Kaneki's shoulder with a flower on top of its head. Ken's own omen - a large Chinese red head centipede - seems to be playing (??? do Centipedes play? Hopefully so!) with the Bloodhound he got a couple of months ago. Said Bloodhound is incredibly destructive however, and Kaneki ends up having to keep an eye on it constantly - specially when it gets closer to the plants ]

Don't you dare...! [ Ken stares at the dog, who stares back at him, and after a small staring contest, the Hound leaves to go back to playing with the centipede.

With a big sigh, Ken places his gardening books on the ground which will work as a small podium for his Lamp Friend who is delighted to feel tall. And afterwards he reaches for another type of book, one about nightmares. Kaneki has been having a lot surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) although last month hasn't been exceptionally terrible compared to the others... still, he knows there is a big chance corruption might be making its way and Kaneki wants to avoid that at all costs, although he isn't entirely sure how. ]

Cemetery walk
cw; cannibalism, dead bodies

[ Being a ghoul in a world where blood shed can cause a lot of issues is... complicated. At least kaneki isn't the type of ghoul who'd go out and hunt others and instead relies on the already dead, although that might also be an issue, he supposes. After all, no one would like the idea of a cannibal around, right?

he is careful at least. or tries to be. As careful as one is allowed in Trench. Not wanting to be found by anyone, Kaneki visits cemeteries and morgues in the dead of night, when everyone else is presumably asleep. He sneaks there and carefully takes body parts, always avoiding heads as he still finds it really creepy to anyone's head even if it's an already dead person. Also disrespectful? Honestly, Ken has many conflicting feelings over his own nature and what it forces him to do, and found strange hard-limits on what NOT to do.

This night he heads to cemetery. He saw a small funeral there the other day and decided not to touch the dead body just yet to let people mourn, but when a ghoul is hungry, a ghoul has to eat. And that means, eventually Kaneki heads there to dig out the source of food. It's fairly easy since Kaneki is a ghoul; inhuman strength and reflexes provide him with tools to dig out the coffin, and eventually he is able to open it. Despite what Kaneki is, however, there is still much sorrow and disgust in what he has to do: when he sees the body, he a choked sound escapes his throat and a whimper follows, while Kaneki tries to hold back mixed feelings of disgust but also hunger. ] I'm sorry... [ he whispers softly and then places his hands together for a small prayer and to thank this person who passed away. Kaneki doesn't exactly believe in afterlife, but he learned this from Yomo-san and thus decided he'd do the same.

Afterwards, Kaneki places down a plastic tarp and begins - yes, he will cut the body to pieces (with way too much ease, it seems) and will wrap the pieces to carry after. And during all of this? Kaneki is crying. Because in the end, this is terrible.]

Ravenous apetite
cw; cannibalism, blood shed, violence against player-character, please read note at the end

[ This month will be particularly difficult for Ken: he is hungry. Always hungry. No matter how much he eats, he is still so hungry. He went through most of the food he kept in his house and then most of the food he could find at the morgue. Cemetery had also been raided by him, although he is certain he hasn't found all there is over there just yet. But this hunger that doesn't fade is dangerous because ghouls are dangerous.

And this hunger that doesn't fade is hell and painful, and Kaneki feels like he is dying and his body is burning from inside. No human will ever fully understand a ghoul's hunger because no human will ever feel this kind of pain in their lives: it's the kind that drives one mad almost immediately, and the kind that makes one believe that nothing can help but to bite into someone's flesh and just eat without regards for anything or anyone.

It's a scary, horrendous sort of pain and a monstrous sort of hunger.

While Kaneki tumbles through the streets of Trench, following the sweet, delicious smell of humans, he bites onto his own finger. It's obvious he is not okay, but it's also obvious he is trying hard to avoid people, trying to only move through empty alleyways and trying not to be seen by others. His Omen , a gigantic Chinese Red Head Centipede, is out hissing loudly at whoever passes by and tries to approach - it won't attack just yet, but there is a clear warning to keep away. ]

OOC

[ If you are interested in having your character be attacked by Kaneki in that last prompt, it is possible! However, Kaneki will not kill anyone; it will just be a bite. For anything more serious than a bite (which is also possible), I ask for characters to have healing abilities; I don't want to make a murder out of Kaneki. Information on Ghouls can be found HERE, specifically on their inhuman abilities, but short version is that kaneki has unnatural strength, speed, reflexes, and he is able to bite through skin like it's butter, and this means characters should be able to fight in order to push him off, otherwise reasoning with him through words might also work! if you are unsure how to make this play out, my CR MEME top-level is here and we can talk about it there, or you can add me to plurk over vilani

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[Seeing the rushing red centipede defend Kaneki, hits home for Megumi. How many times has Kage rushed to protect or outright yank him out of danger. He can relate to this but he also has a job to do. This time is no different.

The large she wolf dashes in-between Megumi coming directly in between him and the other omen. Clapping his hands together summons a werewolf canine to rise up through the shadows,divine dog. Both creatures are strictly on the defense.

Feeling more secure, Megumi side steps the omen and stands directly in front of Kaneki further blocking him from an escape route. Shining his light on his face reveals puffy eyes and still drying tears, he is clearly distressed.

This is the young man who risked his life to go save a total stranger from a burning house. Why in the world is he desecrating this grave??]

What are you doing? Is someone making you do this?

[His voice is stern as he confronts him, but he also is giving Kaneki a chance to explain himself.]

[ Kaneki silently calls his omen closer, who in fact complains with a loud hiss while it turns its head to Kaneki, specially given how Ken is cornered. But Kaneki knows he won't be able to run away from this, even if he tried; what use would it be to run anyway, it's not like he can disappear from Trench.

Eventually Dragon quickly crawls back, wrapping around Kaneki's leg defensively, not wanting its Sleeper to be without any support. Not that it matters, Kaneki feels like this is about to unfold really badly.

He shakes his head at Megumi's question, while his eyes avoid Megumi ]

No. No one is. [ how can he explain any of this? ] I... I'm not hurting anyone. [ he didn't kill this person, so technically, Ken is right. Not that it'll make any of this better ]

I don't-- I can't explain what's going on. [ he doesn't know how. "I eat people" is not something Kaneki wants to say out loud, because it will cause him to break further ]

Look at me, only people who lie can't look someone in the eye when they're speaking.

[His voice is not harsh, it's quite neutral as he commands attention.Pointing to the grave while shaking his head. ]

That's not true and [Pointing directly at him with his free hand] you know it. There are people who buried this person and love them. How would they feel seeing the grave in this state?

[He personally would be devastated. Unable to even think about seeing his loved ones in that condition, he pushes the thought aside quickly.
From what he has seen of Kaneki, in the burning house, he cares for others even going so far as to risk his own life for a stranger. So why is he doing this?

Seeing the switch from offensive to defensive behavior of the omen, Megumi doesn't want to escalate the situation physically any further.

Looking over at Kage, she understands and begrudgingly lowers her attack ready posture to a more subdued stance. The divine dog is on standby in the event he tries to run but Megumi has a feeling he won't. Two green eyes are intently fixed on Kaneki.]

Your face tells me you don't like what you're doing, but don't stand here and tell me no one is getting hurt. [ he may not know what going on, but yes Kaneki, he sees the pain you are in too] You wouldn't be crying if that were the case.

[ but Kaneki doesn't want to look him in the eye due to shame. There is no way for him to lie about this, but it also doesn't matter whatever he says about it either. Kaneki n can't justify eating people, no matter what, that is not something others would just accept.

And Kaneki can't really argue when Megumi accuses him of hurting the families of those who passed away because he is right. Kaneki would very much rather not physically hurt living people, thus the pain the families may feel about their loved one's corpse being stolen is probably less than being attacked by a hungry ghoul... but naturally he is not going to say any of that because it is painful regardless. It's disgusting, and sad, and terrible. ]

I know-- it's terrible. But I have no choice. I have to do it. [ not because someone is forcing him to, but because his own body does ] Doing this is better than the alternative. [ so the alternative is pretty awful, moreso than this, for sure ]

Better then what alternative? [ He pauses.]

You know, you still haven't looked me in the eye. [He reaches towards Kaneki and puts his hand on his shoulder gently. His voice is still very much neutral but he is being genuine.] Kaneki, let's talk, honestly, like friends.

[The beam of light goes off of Kaneki for a moment and shoots towards the tarp before returning.

All of the defensive answers and body language of both Kaneki and his omen are telling signs that something insidious is happening. He can't pin it exactly, but his mind wanders to the black market, occult magic and other similar scenarios.

Whatever the case maybe, Megumi believes Kaneki doesn't deserve to be struggling like this. He sees him as a good person, and wants to help him. But he can't help if he doesn't know what's going on.]

If no one is making you do this, then what are you doing with that body?

[ he doesn't look Megumi in the eyes. Kaneki even visibly jerks when the other approaches to pat his shoulder, and his omen quickly climbs up Ken's body to wrap around his shoulders, as if trying to hide him away. Not many people would appreciate having a Centipede so close to their face, but Dragon is protective and cares not for personal space.

Kaneki doesn't answer at first though. Not even at the offer of talking like friends, because he doesn't think they will be friends for that long when the other boy realizes what is going on.

After he bites the inside of his mouth until it bleeds, Kaneki burrows his face against Dragon, still looking away ]

... eat... [ he whispers that ] I'm going to eat... it...

[ 'Eat'- The word in reference to any human alive or dead, triggers a quick scene as clear as day in Megumi’s mind’s eye:

"Why is the curse targeting the finger?
It plans on eating it to gain stronger
cursed energy. Oh, so there is a way to save
everyone."

His soon to be best friend, Yuji Itadori risked his life to save him. It involved eating a one thousand year old finger of the King of Curses. ~~He still questions what would make any right minded person eat that.~~ If he were to be completely honest, he did not see this conversation going this way; however, Kaneki's mention of the 'alternative' makes crystal clear sense to him now.

This is the humane course of action for someone who eats others. He can't bring himself to use the word cannibal, even within his own mind. Cannibals seem to have a choice in what they eat. From Kaneki's outward appearance, he doesn't look comfortable with the idea of doing this.

That forced feeling Megumi got earlier was indeed not from another person or group just as his friend had told him. Kaneki is having to do something he truly does not want to, but has to. Megumi feels as though he has caught him at his lowest, and for that, he feels some guilt. In response he must show Ken compassion. ]

You weren't always like this, were you? [ There is a hint of sadness in his voice when he asks this question. If Itadori went from being a non-curse user to a sorcerer after consuming the finger, maybe it's possible this boy too was changed by an event or situation that was out of his control.]

[ Kaneki has no qualms admitting he wasn't born a ghoul, he never hid it and had no reason to (for now. In the future, he might have). But the difference here is that others simply did not care about that detail, it wasn't important because in the end, he still has to do something like this.

And That's why Megumi's question surprises him a little bit. Because it suddenly mattered if he were a human before or not.

Kaneki doesn't... quite agree. He still sees himself as a monster through and through, as someone who shouldn't even be allowed to live in this place; very often he wonders if he shouldn't just go back to the ocean. But he is selfish too. And he wants to live and be alive. It's complicated; Kaneki wants to be hated for what he is, but also forgiven for it. He wants others to feel disgusted when they look at him, but wants them to offer him their hand. He wants them to call him a monster, while telling him it was not his fault for becoming one.

Kaneki nods softly]

... I used to be human. I'm... not fully human anymore. [ he has to accept it, as much as it hurts him. he has become a half-ghoul and that's what he is. otherwise, he wouldn't be in the middle of the cemetery digging out corpses. ]

I'm sorry, I don't-- I know this is wrong. I know this is... [ horrible ] I don't know what else to do but this, though.

[Right and wrong have always been terms that Megumi prefers to avoid. It's circumstances, actions and personal biases that, at the end of the day, make someone out to be a villain or a hero. The very concept of what it means to be a human, he considers. His lips tighten in a straight line before returning to neutral expression.

I don't care if you're human or not. Those who aren't in your situation have no right to judge you for actions you have to take to stay alive. [ He doesn't agree with eating people, dead or alive conceptually. And he can't deny that the thought alone is enough to trigger him.

Despite this, he stands by his statement and means every single word of it. He knows how unfair reality is, and never wants to contribute to that cycle.

As he speaks, the divine dog melts back into the umbra of night. He is no longer needed. ]

It is wrong for many reasons, and its clear you're aware of this, [His eyes glance over to the grave and then back on to Kaneki's face ] but do you know what else is wrong? Being forced to commit an act that denies you your sense of self. You're torn between a basic need and a moral conflict. I've been there and can't imagine having to stay in that mindset permanently.[ He's pauses. Before finding his resolve.]

That's why I choose to know you as the boy who risked his life to save a stranger. [Yes it's selfish but he's only human too. ]

[ Megumi naturally doesn't have to care about Kaneki's nature but it's something incredibly important to him. Is he human? Did he lose what made him human? Those are questions often plaguing him and that he is very scared to have answered because ultimately Kaneki feels like the answer is "no". He is a monster instead; he eats humans now, and it's not normal nor should be accepted. Even natural-born ghouls seem to be "better", in his head, because they were born consuming humans - they weren't someone who at some point had to consume them.

And specially inTrench. Because, in the end, he could just go back to the ocean and disappear there, not put anyone through something horrible and not make things worse in a place where everything is already so painful and difficult. He knows he is being selfish for wanting to live - for wanting to exist.

Kaneki drops his head, trying to hold back tears forming at the corner of his eyes. He doesn't really deserve that sort of kindness and understanding, not when he is such a horrible creature ]

I don't... even know what I'm doing anymore. [ surviving. Sure, he is, but it's awful and he is always feeling awful. he is alone in this and he is always so afraid too ]

--Why did you run into that house?

[The words practically cut off Kaneki's sentence rushing out as soon as he finishes his thought. Megumi did hear Kenaki's words, but chose not to address that comment for now . His head drop indicates his deteriorating emotional state, and Megumi is not great with emotions, prefering to deal in facts. Something about doing that feels safer and much less exposing .]

You wanted to save her, right?

[ Kaneki stops, although he doesn't look back at Megumi. Why did he go into the fire?

He doesn't know. He doesn't know why or what he was thinking back then. He doesn't know. ]

... maybe. [ no - ] Yes. But I couldn't even do that.

Not alone you couldn't, but doing everything on your own isn't possible! [ Being the lone wolf that he is, he hates to admit that, but knows it's the truth. He's tried so many times Kaneki]

You did help save her. She was freed because you went in. [He looks at the ground for a moment.] There was no way in hell I was going in there. I'd convinced myself it was a trick and nothing more, but then I noticed you putting yourself out there in order to do the right thing.

I didn't want to see a good person, get hurt for being kind. And you know what, I was wrong. There was somebody trapped in there who needed help, and you stepped up.

I'm human and I was going to pass by without a second glance. ~~[To his credit he really believed her to be a figment of the Trench.]~~

And whether you want to accept it or not, you made a difference to that woman and ...me. I didn't have a lot of faith left in humanity. But your selflessness gave me hope that there are people out there who care enough and choose to make a difference for the better.

[He pauses. Familiar faces flood his mind. Reminded once more of past events from another time. Megumi is not one for many words but he knows Kenaki needs to hear this.]

My point is monsters don't care about others' well -being and feelings. They aren't capable of compassion or empathy. It's not our bodies that make us human, it's our intentions [points to Kaneki's heart] and our minds. [Points to Kaneki's head]

[ and it was most likely a trick. Everything in Trench seems to be; Kaneki is a coward and weak, and while he still doesn't know what made him go in there, he can not forget the bad things he always allowed to happen due to his own inability.

But that's a story for another time. Megumi keeps stating that Kaneki is something else and he can't help but to think this person doesn't realize how terrible ken truly is. How awful, how disgusting. Justifying Kaneki's existence with an act of kindness isn't right because Kaneki can not be kind when he is digging out dead bodies and eating them. In his mind, that is a big conflict and the monster tends to win it.

Kaneki looks to the side for a moment, before he closes his eyes ]

Fushiguro-san... You are kind.

But aren't you even afraid? [ because even Kaneki is afraid of himself. ] This is... not something I can fight. [ he has to eat and do horrible things ]

[ 'Kind'- That wouldn't be the words he would use to describe himself. He has taken selfish actions time and time again. The most pinnacle having extraordinary consequences ~~on a continental level maybe more~~. ]

Afraid of what? That you might go after someone? Anyone who lives here is at risk for beasthood. Everyday we are all exposed to blood pollution. I'm a hunter and bloodshed is unavoidable. In the back of my mind, I'm always wondering, when the Trench is going to come for me. The moment I'm out of control and cause irreversible harm. [ His fists clenches ] But I can't let that stop me from living and doing my best to do what I feel is right. And not everyone is going to agree on my definition of what is "right" [ motioning air quotes ] but who the hell cares!?
[ He can't help but think of two specific faces as he speaks. ]

No matter the world, unfair circumstances seem to plague people at random. I never told you to fight it. I told you, no one has the right to judge you for things you can't control or have to do to survive. [ He is speaking from a place of experience . ]

It's not a crime to want to be alive, you know?

[ Reaching down into his shadow, he pulls out a canister. Inside is a special brew of cherry blossom tea from the sacred tree Ammy planted. It has a purifying quality that eases corruption and helps to relax the consumer.]

My blood hound isn't with me unfortunately, but this should help you to feel more grounded.

[ but isn't it disgusting?

Beasthood comes from despair, but what Kaneki is doing comes from... hunger. A deep insatiable hunger that he feels so guilty for, even if he never wanted it, even if he never had a choice in it.

But it's being told that it's not a crime to want to live that makes Kaneki gasp. He has seen what happens to ghouls in his world, and he has seen what ghouls do in return. He heard before that "the world is wrong" and Kaneki didn't want to believe that - he wanted to believe he could just get stronger and things would be better. But they are not, not here.

He glances over at the canister and shakes his head ] I will vomit it out. [ ghouls can't drink anything but water. Or blood. ]

All I ever wanted was to have a normal life. But everything went wrong and now I'm here. [ he doesn't even understand why ] I'm the only ghoul here and I don't even know how to be a ghoul. [ he only became one few months ago, in his perspective ]

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Are you okay with hand waving they got each other's names after the buring house?

Yes, of course! That works for me (=

Perfect!

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Sorry for late reply, something came up this week, but I should be able to tag more regularly moving

that's alright!

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