( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[jedies]

[ he can feel it. the crystal calls him as if recognizing a familiar friend. it sings, the song he's heard all his life. the song that continues to welcome him. it chases away the cold of the dark.

obi-wan sighs, before holding it back for anakin to take. ]

It is a good life you hold.

[hopesparks]

[ Anakin takes it back with a small smile. ]

We've been through a lot. I thought I was a goner when the original kyber core broke.

[ He rolls it over in his hand. ]

But I found something new, with the help of an enemy turned ally.

[ It's a much longer story than that, of course. Wilder and more unbelievable and sadder than he could truly explain. ]

[jedies]

[ his brow furrows. kyber cannot simply break. it takes a great deal of stress to do that. but he finds that his attention lags, unable to keep up with the story. it's hard to think. ]

Of course. There's no Ilum anymore, is there?

[ the sith would have no need of ilum. would have no idea how to deal with its strange energies. ]

[hopesparks]

[ That's what Anakin had thought before he was proven disastrously wrong.

Anakin frowns, confused. Sure, Ilum had been taken over by the Empire but it was too valuable to destroy. And now that the Empire is gone, it has been returned to the Jedi. No one else would know what to do with it, and it's not exactly a vacation destination. ]

Ilum is still there. That's how I got my original crystal.

[ A ghost of a smile settles on his lips, though it doesn't reach his eyes. ]

I asked my uncle if it was as cold as Hoth. He said it was pretty close.

[jedies]

[ he manages a weary smile. ]

I suppose it is a relief to know some things outlasted . . . outlasted us.

[hopesparks]

[ Anakin is quiet. Their connection to the old Order is tenuous, held together by secondhand knowledge and artifacts. It would take generations for the Order to rebuild, solidify and blend the old and the new. Obi-Wan had watched it all fall to ash, and Anakin knew only the ashes that remained. He cannot mourn what he did not know. All he can do is be there, a reminder that there could be a future.

Gently, Anakin places a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. ]

As long as there's light in the Force, the Jedi are never really gone.

[jedies]

[ he was the last. one of the last. how do you stand being one of the last? they were never made for loneliness. certainly they were taught to let go, to move forward, but not in the absence of all. ]

No, they are not. And yet.

[hopesparks]

[ Softly: ] And yet many have died.

[ He says it in acknowledgement. He says it so that Obi-Wan doesn't have to. In Anakin's Order, whenever a Jedi dies, they hold a service and grieve together. There's varying levels of closeness in the Order, like any other group, but they're a community. A family.

Obi-Wan doesn't have that. Not the family he knows, at least. ]

[jedies]

[ he goes quiet, still. finally: ]

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter"

[hopesparks]

[ That gets a small, faint smile out of Anakin. That's what Yoda had told his uncle and what his uncle passed on to his students.

Anakin gently places his arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders in a sort of half-hug. It's loose enough to slip out of with the slightest movement. He's usually not the person initiating physical affection, but he doesn't shy from it.

He unfurls himself into the Force again, confident that he has enough control over his feelings not to send anything jarring out there. He and his siblings communicate as much through the Force as through words. So instead of speaking out loud, he speaks with the Force. Solemnity and understanding come to rest on their shoulders. Perhaps Obi-Wan won't feel it at all, but it's there. ]

[jedies]

[ the contact helps. it centers him while nothing else does. he feels he walks in a daze now, caught between the past and the now. he seems to sway for a moment before righting himself. ]

[hopesparks]

[ Obi-Wan doesn't pull away, so Anakin tightens the hug.

Softly: ] Ben, are you still here?

[jedies]

[ there's silence until: ]

I am.

[hopesparks]

Is there any way I can help?

[jedies]

I honestly do not know.

[hopesparks]

[ Anakin goes quiet for a moment. Obi-Wan isn't Tahiri, but she had spells where her mind would wander, where she'd struggle to be "Tahiri" and not "Riina." It's not the same, but he can see the struggle between past and present, between the Obi-Wan of the Order and the Obi-Wan of the Trench.

Start simple, start small. ]

Do you want to talk about it? Or talk in general?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives a hollow laugh. ]

I'm not sure I can . . . talk about it.

[hopesparks]

[ The hollow laugh twists Anakin's stomach in knots. It doesn't sound like Obi-Wan. It sounds like hope breaking.

He keeps his expression neutral, though. ]

Ezra gave me an idea of what happened. [ History let him fill in the rest. ]

You're the reason I'm alive today.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan stills for a moment. ]

I'm not sure I deserve credit for that.

[hopesparks]

[ Anakin tries to shrug but it's hard to do when you're still half-hugging someone. ]

You deserve some of it. You and Yoda found safe, loving homes for my mom and my uncle. And everything you taught Uncle Luke, he taught me-- taught all of us.

[jedies]

[ he sighs. ]

I barely remember any of that.

[hopesparks]

Actions still matter even if you don't remember them. Or even if they seem like something small or obvious.

[ Anakin hesitates for a moment. ]

You're important. [ Softly: ] You're family.

[jedies]

[ family. that matters but all obi-wan can think of are the singed remains of his family, utterly wiped out in the blink of an eye. ]

I'm not thinking of myself. I can't. Not with . . . all of it.

[hopesparks]

Why can't you?

[ He suspects he knows, but sometimes getting someone just to talk it out helps.

He thinks? ]

[jedies]

Because it's too much. I have to . . . grapple with that and the loss and my new mission and . . . the fact that an entire world, an entire culture, an entire galaxy is forever changed and gone.