deercountry | ( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

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[ the contact helps. it centers him while nothing else does. he feels he walks in a daze now, caught between the past and the now. he seems to sway for a moment before righting himself. ]

[ Obi-Wan doesn't pull away, so Anakin tightens the hug.

Softly: ] Ben, are you still here?

[ there's silence until: ]

I am.

Is there any way I can help?

I honestly do not know.

[ Anakin goes quiet for a moment. Obi-Wan isn't Tahiri, but she had spells where her mind would wander, where she'd struggle to be "Tahiri" and not "Riina." It's not the same, but he can see the struggle between past and present, between the Obi-Wan of the Order and the Obi-Wan of the Trench.

Start simple, start small. ]

Do you want to talk about it? Or talk in general?

[ obi-wan gives a hollow laugh. ]

I'm not sure I can . . . talk about it.

[ The hollow laugh twists Anakin's stomach in knots. It doesn't sound like Obi-Wan. It sounds like hope breaking.

He keeps his expression neutral, though. ]

Ezra gave me an idea of what happened. [ History let him fill in the rest. ]

You're the reason I'm alive today.

[ obi-wan stills for a moment. ]

I'm not sure I deserve credit for that.

[ Anakin tries to shrug but it's hard to do when you're still half-hugging someone. ]

You deserve some of it. You and Yoda found safe, loving homes for my mom and my uncle. And everything you taught Uncle Luke, he taught me-- taught all of us.

[ he sighs. ]

I barely remember any of that.

Actions still matter even if you don't remember them. Or even if they seem like something small or obvious.

[ Anakin hesitates for a moment. ]

You're important. [ Softly: ] You're family.

[ family. that matters but all obi-wan can think of are the singed remains of his family, utterly wiped out in the blink of an eye. ]

I'm not thinking of myself. I can't. Not with . . . all of it.

Why can't you?

[ He suspects he knows, but sometimes getting someone just to talk it out helps.

He thinks? ]

Because it's too much. I have to . . . grapple with that and the loss and my new mission and . . . the fact that an entire world, an entire culture, an entire galaxy is forever changed and gone.

[ Anakin is quiet, letting the words settle and turning them over in his mind.

Finally: ] You don't have to do any of that alone. And you don't have to be okay right away.

You have us. And you have time.

[ time. he's not so sure. the wheel keeps turning and obi-wan feels hopeless against it. ]

I hope so.

[ Anakin squeezes Obi-Wan's shoulder, hoping to solidify and ground it all. ]

You do.

[ obi-wan sighs. ]

It's hard to think of right now.

[ Quietly: ] Do you need to rest?

I've had enough rest.

Okay.

[ Once he ensures Obi-Wan is stable, Anakin gives his shoulder one last squeeze before standing up.

He offers his hand to Obi-Wan. ]

[ he takes it, gingerly rising to his feet. ]

[ Anakin doesn't let go, instead leading Obi-Wan over to where his lightsaber had fallen.

He could pick it up for Obi-Wan, but it feels important that he does it for himself.

Anakin waits patiently, willing to support Obi-Wan if he needs it. ]

[ obi-wan slowly raises his hand. the saber rattles on the ground before flying into his open palm. his fingers slowly curl around it and obi-wan presses it against his chest. not long before, obi-wan had taken anakin's lightsaber when he had succumbed to the dark.

how fateful it all seems now. ]

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