( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[jedies]

I am responsible for what happened. Regardless of what anyone might say.

[ I have failed you. I have failed you, Anakin. ]

[spiritwalks]

I think you did your best...with the knowledge and resources that you had while raising him.

[jedies]

My best . . . hardly mattered.

[ it's a fine line between success and failure. this was very much a failure. ]

[spiritwalks]

I know how that feels.

[Like nothing you do matters. Or that you only make things worse for others. Some people cope by tightening their grip, desperate to seize back control. Others lose sight of their purpose, like a skiff stranded on dry, cracked desert ground. But it's awful, either way.]

[jedies]

[ that is the essence of failure. the difference is painful. obi-wan exhales quietly. ]

I took a blade to him. I cut him down. What survived — survives — it won't be him.

[spiritwalks]

[That he was compelled to strike against Anakin, the person he entered the Waking World for, says everything.

Reconciling what a loved one once was, with what they became, is rarely easy — even under the best of circumstances. And Obi-Wan is still processing one senseless tragedy stacked on top of another.]

How long ago was this?

[jedies]

Perhaps a few days? I — It was barely twenty four hours when my soldiers fired upon me and it all turned to naught.

[spiritwalks]

Oh my god. You lost everything back there.

[Systematic annihilation at the hands of friends and allies. "Awful" doesn't begin to describe the horrors Obi-Wan saw that day.

Vyng drops his hand from the side of his friend's face. He gently clasps his shoulder.]

You didn't deserve this. None of you did.

[jedies]

[ he shivers once more, his body wracked with phantom pains. he's never had to live like this. no one has ever lived like this, a jedi alone. it's not done. they were never taught, never trained to prepare for the absence of their entire world. ]

Everyone. Children, teachers, the elderly. They took them all. I saw the children. Littering our floors.

[spiritwalks]

[The tortured expression etched into his friend's face turns Vyng's blood to ice. So many bonds violently severed, leaving nothing but cold and empty in their wake. Losing just his mother had been absolute hell. It was the only spiritual bond he'd had with another person, and he spent decades shouldering that burden in exile.

But this? This is too much to bear. For anyone.

"A pointless slaughter."

He gently rubs Obi-Wan's shoulder, falling into the slow, tide-like rhythm from before. These wounds are fresh, while the mind and body work through trauma at their own pace. As many times as Obi-Wan needs to talk about what he saw, what he felt, what he did...Vyng will listen.]

Who was with you? When you found them.

[jedies]

One of the Masters, Yoda.

[ yoda seemed to be born it better. perhaps because he was older, having seen countless generations pass by. but obi-wan knew yoda felt it too. the punch to the gut, the hollowness that just stayed. ]

[spiritwalks]

You looked for survivors together, then.

[jedies]

We looked. I sent out a message through our system to see if any survivors would hear it. And not return.

But . . . the galaxy is vast. And this was . . . more than just one attack.

[spiritwalks]

So what you and Yoda saw in your home...wasn't even the full extent of the killings.

[jedies]

No. All the Clones turned on us.

[spiritwalks]

[He's not sure who the Clones are. But the answer doesn't really change what happened here, so he pockets that question for now.]

Even after all the sacrifices you made during the war...

[Vyng shakes his head.]

You were thrown to the wolves by people you once trusted. And suddenly you didn't have a home or family anymore. I can imagine how lonely that feels.

[jedies]

[ what could he say to that? he falls silent once more. the words clog up his throat like a drain. all that mess. all that loss. ]

[spiritwalks]

[Obi-Wan doesn't need to speak. The silence is enough. With one hand still gently clasping a shoulder, Vyng unhooks a waterskin from his belt. He extends it to him.]

Here. You must be thirsty.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan takes it gratefully, drinking it in deeply. the coolness of it helps. grounds him. a little more colour returns to his face. ]

Thank you.

[spiritwalks]

[That's good to see.]

Would it help to get some fresh air? Maybe a short walk around the block?

[jedies]

I don't know. I don't know what will . . . help.

[spiritwalks]

That's okay. You don't have to know right now. Are you hungry?

[jedies]

I'm . . . not sure.

[spiritwalks]

Are you able to stand?

[jedies]

I — Yes. I think so.