deercountry | ( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He's taking this as a good sign. Maybe his presence isn't the painful reminder of everything that happened. He squeezes his eyes closed, but that doesn't stop the tears slipping through.

He doesn't know why Obi-Wan didn't stop him and instead chose to walk away. Maybe one day he'll find the courage to ask. For now this is about the remaining connections he has left after Anakin has all but extinguished the light in the galaxy.]

[ there is no good answer. there is no answer. all of it is mixed up in obi-wan's head, the grief along with the hope. he remains quiet, closing his eyes and breathing softly. ]

[He doesn't know how long they spend like this. The occasional whimper from him, but otherwise silence as the Force settles around them.

Eventually though Anakin breaks the silence. He's never had Obi-Wan's patience and the fear gets too much.]

Do you... do you think you'll ever feel better?

[Could he care about him as he once did? Anakin doesn't know how badly he's broken things and if it could ever be put back together.]

[ obi-wan makes a strange sound at the back of his throat. ]

It's not about feeling better. Or going back. It's about living. I'm alive. For that, I must keep going forward.

[Plaintively:] It matters to me.

You don't know how much you mean to me and-- and I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

[ his hands press into anakin's shoulders. how could he explain this? anakin, who has never truly lived as a father. ahsoka was his padawan, but it was obi-wan who raised anakin. who introduced him to this world. who folded his shirts and tucked him into bed. who washed his hair. ]

. . . No, Anakin. Never that.

[He'd never quite stopped crying and he struggles to get the words out through his tears.]

It's true. You'd be happier without me.

[ obi-wan feels like he's drowning. his head is full of water and fire and he can't untangle it like this. he doesn't know how much clearer he can be. it's like he's moving through quagmire, trying to get on the other side. ]

That is not true at all.

[He wants so badly to accept his words. But Anakin can't deny the loss of everything would have been made so much worse by the knowledge that it was all at the hands of a loved one.]

You should let me go.

[His very being rebels at the thought, but there was nothing to be gained keeping him around.]

Anakin, please.

[ his voice comes out shaky. ]

I can't do this right now.

[He nods frantically. He'll take the cowards way out, if he could have this for a little longer he'd take it.]

Okay.

Thank you.

[He sniffs and wipes at his face.]

I should still give you space.

[He makes no move to leave.]

[ obi-wan sighs. ]

Just for a little while, Anakin.

[He wraps his arms around Obi-Wan again, trying to commit this to memory before he steps back.]

I'm sorry again.

...I'll send Artoo up with food.

[ obi-wan squeezes anakin's shoulder in reassurance. ]

Thank you. I just need to . . . sort it all out.

( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

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