( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Physically get up, right this minute? Get up in a more ongoing, mental and emotional sense?

Just asking that feels pretty stupid. But. Ok. Back up. Start even smaller, more immediate.]

Ok. Are you...thirsty at all? Hungry?

[jedies]

[ he rubs his throat briefly before nodding. physical needs first. slowly, obi-wan focus on the present moment. for a brief splintering moment, he wishes qui-gon was here. he needed him. ]

Water. Please.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Of course.

[And with that he gets up and pads to the kitchen to grab a glass, fill it, and circles back. Settles, sitting so that he's close enough to touch, although he's carefully not, not without a hint of invitation, and holds out the glass.]

[jedies]

[ it's as though he doesn't notice, eyes glazed. but it passes quickly as obi-wan reaches for the glass, clear-gazed once more. ]

Thank you. I realize this is . . . a lot for you to handle at the moment.

[ says the man who has a lot to handle at the moment. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He clocks those shifts, then shakes his head, and the corner of his mouth quirking in self-deprecation.]

If I don't handle it all gracefully, it's my own missteps, not a lack of willingness on my part.

You're welcome, always.

[jedies]

[ always. he sighs. ]

I find my grace lacking.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Hmmm.

Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Not for my sake.

[jedies]

Mmm.

[ he sighs. ]

I will do my best.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He lets a little more warmth and affection into his tone.]

Good.

Let me know if you want a hand up, when you're ready to move. [And then he falls silent, to give Obi-wan to drink his water and sort his thoughts.]

[jedies]

Yes. I should — Can you help me to my feet please.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He nods and climbs to his feet, holding his hands out, ready to steady with the Force, if need be. Down for a week, emotionally drained as Obi-wan is - he's not surprised Obi-wan could use help, only faintly startled that the older man so readily admitted it.

He's absolutely not going to outwardly show that surprise, though. Making Obi-wan more self conscious is the last thing he wants.]

[jedies]

[ it takes a great deal of effort. his legs are cramped and obi-wan struggles to keep himself upright. but once he does it, he manages to keep his balance. he manages another hollow breath. ]

One step at a time.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Exactly.

Where to? [No, he is not leaving Obi-wan's side right now. Not until Obi-wan indicates he should, probably.]

[jedies]

[ it was so tempting to say his bed. to lay down his head. to let it fill with cotton. he bites on his lip, hard enough to draw blood. ]

Take me to the garden.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra's just...not commenting on the low level self harm going on there. He's picking his battles. And the garden sounds like a good choice.]

Alright.

[Lightly-] I've been planting vegetables and herbs, next to what's there, since the sun came back.

[jedies]

That — [ he struggles, trying not to make light of it, trying to remember himself. ] — That is lovely, Ezra. Truly.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He breaks into a real smile, warmed by the praise.]

Thanks. And I'll be helping Raleigh - Raleigh Beckett? At his farm outside town, a couple of days a week.

Between that and helping at the orphanage and keeping up with my own studies, and other things as they come up, I think I'm getting a decent routine together.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan lets the words wash over him, but his attention is distant. unfocused. still, he tries his best. ]

I'm glad. Routine is . . . beneficial.

[ what was his routine on tatooine? he can't remember. or perhaps he hadn't established one yet. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

Well, it is for me. Wouldn't have made it, the years I was on my own, without it.

[And once they are outside, behind the house-]

Sitting? Or, hmm, what about slow open-handed katas? [Just a thought.]

[jedies]

Sitting. I doubt I can manage katas at the moment.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Gotcha. [Supporting as they pick a spot and lower themselves back down to the ground, it is.]

[jedies]

[ he sits down, crossing his legs with a sigh. he can't release all into the force. not immediately. it's too much and it would have consequences to those around him.

breathe. let it flow.

but it comes back with thunder and he clenches his fist. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He settles back into the kneeling pose he's been in when Obi-wan woke up. He can sense the edges of the turmoil beside him, but for the moment, he doesn't outwardly react. He focuses on his breath. On opening to the Force like the daisies he loves so much, that he taught hiselfm a simple sort of meditation, sitting with, when he was a child in grief and solitude on the plains of Lothal.

He can't entirely hide his sadness for Obi-wan. His concern. The ripples of anxiety. But he can try to be warm light, despite all that, here with Obi-wan Kenobi.]

[jedies]

[ the light, the light. how it beckons, how it sings. in his ears, all he hears is the ringing. the fire and the smog. the screaming. oh, how anakin screamed. how the world burned. and then he was on tatooine, feeling the twin suns upon his back. he bows his head under the weight of it all.

and yet. it must be felt. it must touch every part, every bone before he is made to pass through it. so in the end, only he will remain.

it is both a welcoming and terrifying prospect to face. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra shivers, less directly picking up what Obi-wan is remembering and more sensing flickers of empathic resonance, which in turn summons up his own memories of borrowed memories.

You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!

He lets the memory pass through him, and morph into one of a quieter, softer confrontation, on a street corner inside a reality altering spell, while living shadows gathered around.

Ezra, you are my brother, and I love you.

All these memories are true, and part of him, in a way. But none of it is here and now. Let them rest, quietly tucked away in his heart. Let the fear of pain, that he's been bracing against seeing, from the moment he first saw Obi-wan as he was, here in Trench, go. Let the fear of that pain arriving somehow leading to rejection go, too.

Or at least, come closer to letting those feelings go. It is, after all, a process, just as Obi-wan working through his own pain and grief is.]