( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[spiritwalks]

[Vyng wants to study it, to collect some samples. But not now. Later. In the meantime, Obi-Wan's earlier shivering wasn't lost on him.]

Are you cold?

[jedies]

. . . The Dark Side has left me cold. It took it all in a gathering storm.

[spiritwalks]

[Vyng carefully cups a scarred hand against Obi-Wan's forehead, checking his temperature. All the while, he stays mindful of the other man's body language and micro-expressions.

But then, suddenly, he's struck by a white-hot realization:]

...Your family.

[jedies]

[ he just shakes his head slowly. ]

All the lights are out. And I — I saw the temple. What was left of it.

[spiritwalks]

All of them...

[Snuffed out. Like candles on a dark winter night. Vyng still recalls his mother's murder, and the horrible toll it took on his spirit and body. Abandoned and exiled, he was forced to shoulder an invisible wound that never quite heals. Similar to the phantom pains of losing a limb, it can only be managed.

Sometimes the weight of a tragedy is lost beneath an impossibly-large number of deaths. But when you're spiritually linked to others, the pain is only be amplified by the number of lives lost.

"Being a Jedi connects me."

Vyng's hand shifts to the side of Obi-Wan's face, a calloused thumb running against his cheek. His words are a low murmur.]

I'm so sorry.

[jedies]

Children. Teachers. Friends. All taken by a pointless slaughter.

[ once obi-wan said that if the people rose up, the war would be over. if there was less posturing and more action, more belief in fighting the injustice, in democracy.

what a fool he was. ]

I am an endangered species now.

[spiritwalks]

[Endangered, but not extinct. From what Ezra has told him, others will take up the mantle. And yet, there's no turning back time for a shattered family. You can only mend the cracks with whatever you're able to salvage, grieve for what cannot be restored, and let hope be your light.

But it's a process. There is no way out, except through. Platitudes have no use here. So Vyng continues to move his thumb in a gentle rhythm, like the tides that pulled him from that hotel bathtub so many months ago.]

You felt their pain as they passed. Became a stranger in your own home.

That's a terrible burden for anyone to bear.

[jedies]

[ the cadence of it reminds him of waves. distant shores along a river of light. he had them still, he knew that. he knew his training, he knew the truths. and yet, his heart and mind stutters, caught between two disparate realities. ]

What am I for, if not to bear it?

[spiritwalks]

That depends.

[Vyng tenderly studies him.]

Is it an expression of your love for them? Or are you saying that because...you think it's what you deserve right now?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan's gaze scatters, distorted. ]

I think it is . . . a bit of both.

[ i have failed you. ]

[spiritwalks]

It sounds like you're second-guessing your choices.

[A simple observation. There's no judgement in Vyng's tone.]

[jedies]

. . . It was the will of the Force.

I would not strike down a defenseless man. Even the worst of them.

[ wouldn't he? ]

[spiritwalks]

Because killing a defenseless man isn't the kind of person you want to be...Force's will or not.

[jedies]

. . . No.

I couldn't kill Anakin. I never could. I said as much.

[spiritwalks]

[Anakin. So that's what it came down to, in the end. After Vyng's talk with Ezra, he tried staying optimistic. But it looks like Anakin's waiting for the other shoe to drop — whatever that actually entails — has come to an end.

And yet, despite Anakin making his own choices...]

You blame yourself. For what happened.

[jedies]

I am responsible for what happened. Regardless of what anyone might say.

[ I have failed you. I have failed you, Anakin. ]

[spiritwalks]

I think you did your best...with the knowledge and resources that you had while raising him.

[jedies]

My best . . . hardly mattered.

[ it's a fine line between success and failure. this was very much a failure. ]

[spiritwalks]

I know how that feels.

[Like nothing you do matters. Or that you only make things worse for others. Some people cope by tightening their grip, desperate to seize back control. Others lose sight of their purpose, like a skiff stranded on dry, cracked desert ground. But it's awful, either way.]

[jedies]

[ that is the essence of failure. the difference is painful. obi-wan exhales quietly. ]

I took a blade to him. I cut him down. What survived — survives — it won't be him.

[spiritwalks]

[That he was compelled to strike against Anakin, the person he entered the Waking World for, says everything.

Reconciling what a loved one once was, with what they became, is rarely easy — even under the best of circumstances. And Obi-Wan is still processing one senseless tragedy stacked on top of another.]

How long ago was this?

[jedies]

Perhaps a few days? I — It was barely twenty four hours when my soldiers fired upon me and it all turned to naught.

[spiritwalks]

Oh my god. You lost everything back there.

[Systematic annihilation at the hands of friends and allies. "Awful" doesn't begin to describe the horrors Obi-Wan saw that day.

Vyng drops his hand from the side of his friend's face. He gently clasps his shoulder.]

You didn't deserve this. None of you did.

[jedies]

[ he shivers once more, his body wracked with phantom pains. he's never had to live like this. no one has ever lived like this, a jedi alone. it's not done. they were never taught, never trained to prepare for the absence of their entire world. ]

Everyone. Children, teachers, the elderly. They took them all. I saw the children. Littering our floors.

[spiritwalks]

[The tortured expression etched into his friend's face turns Vyng's blood to ice. So many bonds violently severed, leaving nothing but cold and empty in their wake. Losing just his mother had been absolute hell. It was the only spiritual bond he'd had with another person, and he spent decades shouldering that burden in exile.

But this? This is too much to bear. For anyone.

"A pointless slaughter."

He gently rubs Obi-Wan's shoulder, falling into the slow, tide-like rhythm from before. These wounds are fresh, while the mind and body work through trauma at their own pace. As many times as Obi-Wan needs to talk about what he saw, what he felt, what he did...Vyng will listen.]

Who was with you? When you found them.