Sayo Yasuda (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forwantofahorse) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deercountry2022-05-06 08:03 pm
forwantofahorse) wrote in deercountry2022-05-06 08:03 pm
Entry tags:
love the subhuman self (catchall, closed for now)
Who: Sayo and established CR
What: Trench has determined to make Sayo's life a rollercoaster during May and she's just along for the ride at this point.
When: Throughout May
Where: Across Trench
Content Warnings: Blood in a mildly sexual context, probably.
What: Trench has determined to make Sayo's life a rollercoaster during May and she's just along for the ride at this point.
When: Throughout May
Where: Across Trench
Content Warnings: Blood in a mildly sexual context, probably.
oh lullaby - Closed to Himiko Toga (Beginning of May)
Himiko's adoration is something that Sayo has always yearned for, but now especially feels like the greatest gift Trench has given her. It's not just the way she casually drapes herself over Sayo, flopping onto her lap and leaning onto her shoulder and wrapping her arms around her in a tight embrace whenever the mood struck her; giving Sayo a gentle shock of close, soft contact with another human being that she has been craving for so, so long, so long that she's always reluctant to part ways rather than entangle herself further with Himiko, limbs locking in an almost comical sprawl and then she can't stop thinking about-
It's not just that. It's the way Himiko looks at Sayo with such pure affection, but more than that this deep, yearning desire to see her, to understand her, that is all Sayo has ever wanted. It's the way she listens intently to Sayo as she rambles about this or that, attention not wavering for a second. It's the way she almost purrs, rubbing her face against Sayo's and snuggling up close to her in the moments that Sayo does want quiet, letting the two of them just exist together in a blissful tangle. It's the way she unapologetically swoons and sighs over the romance of blood, and while Sayo doesn't understand, not at first, Himiko makes her want to try, to grow so close that their breath mingles so she can let Himiko-
(It is, partially, the way that Sayo finally knows what it's like to be horny now, and all of the above has combined to make even being near Himiko unbearable in the best way possible.)
They text, they talk, they laugh, they walk, Sayo savoing Himiko's almost greedy clinging to her for every moment they're together.
Right now, they're entangled on Sayo's couch on the catwalks in the Cobra Kai "dojo," Sayo resting her chin on Himiko's shoulder as her legs awkwardly interlock with Himiko's from behind, arms reaching around her back so they can both read the novel that Sayo suggested for Himiko's first foray into the mystery genre at the same time. Well, hypothetically. Sayo has been rambling at length for the past several minutes.]
...and Christie's iconic, of course, but she shouldn't be the only name people should think of when the Golden Age is brought up! You have your Father Knoxes, and your Van Dines—unfortunately, I have no idea how that man's trash made its way into "established canon," whatever that means—and a few more people know about those, but... I really think it's criminal John Dickson Carr is so unknown, relatively speaking. The man did so much to establish the foundations of the genre and IMPROVE upon them. The only reason his essays and theories aren't as well-known as Knox's is that the best ones are actually part of his stories in of themselves and, in my opinion, help him... elaborate... on his point...
[Sayo, finally realizing how long she's been talking, blushes furiously and plants her face into Himiko's shoulder out of shame. (And a little bit of her chest, let a woman indulge!)]
I- I'm sorry, Himiko-chan, I... l- lost track of how long I was talking...
We should, um. Probably get back to the actual book now.
no subject
but sayo is different. she already understands sayo, on some level; they have the same smell, the same little habits. and even though sayo doesn't see her as "normal," exactly, she doesn't see her as wrong either. it's weird. it's pleasant. it's not what she's wanted her whole life, exactly - but it's not not that either. she wants to hold onto it a little longer, if she can.
sayo's not her type - not her usual crush, at least. but she's pretty sure she loves her. she's pretty sure she wants to be her. and whether she's a friend or a girlfriend or a her she could have been, she's absolutely certain she wants to know more about her. so she nods along with every new sentence of sayo's, listening intensely and hearing even the parts she doesn't understand yet. she files away rules for mysteries she's never read and might never read. she remembers the names of detectives she's never held even the slightest interest in. they are extensions of sayo, now, and that makes them something worth knowing.
and when sayo finally stutters out an apology, and that lovely red spreads through every blood vessel in her cheeks- ]
Sayo-chaaaan... You're so cute when you get sidetracked. [ her breathing is a little heavy; her own cheeks are flushed right back. ] Hey, Sayo-chan, you really think about mysteries a lot, don't you?
[ she reaches up, laying two fingers on sayo's cheek. it's a thoughtlessly intimate gesture, more direct and personal than the position they've already found themselves in. ]
Did you ever have someone read them to you like this?
[ from anyone else's lips, it'd be jealous. but here, in this moment, it's just a question, exactly as it is.
she doesn't care if she's the first. she doesn't care if she's the last. she just needs to know more. ]
no subject
Hehe... thanks. I'm not used to people listening as closely as you do. [If Sayo knew that Himiko wasn't really interested in mysteries but wanted to learn so she could see more of Sayo's heart, no force on this earth or any other would stop her from making out with her right there and then. But there's still enough plausible deniability, enough nagging thoughts like, "Himiko-chan's like this with everyone" and "I always read too much into things" to keep the barest distance for now.]
...I didn't have much company when I was younger, but... trying to solve a mystery made me feel like I was playing a game with the author. Trading moves back and forth across time and space, trying to discover the culprit while they threw red herrings and clues at me to decipher... I know it sounds, um, weird, but reading mystery novels made me feel like someone out there was trying to understand me as much as I was trying to understand them. I... treasured that feeling.
Especially since I never found it anywhere else. [She laughs awkwardly.] So, er, no. This is the first time I've ever read with someone. Not many other people I knew understood that, and even the ones who did, I... couldn't get close to them, or only saw them occasionally, so we never did. Uh. This.
[She holds Himiko closer to illustrate her point.]
It's... nice. It's really, really, really nice. [Saying "really" three times instead of bursting into elegant metaphors about the sun or whatever is both a sign of how flustered Sayo is and how much she needed the company of someone like Himiko, someone who gave her this comfort without having to separate herself from any pain that came with it through layers of metaphor and symbolism.]
Thank you, Himiko-chan.
no subject
she doesn't say any of that, of course. it'd be a little embarrassing, a little too forward. as much as she wants to see sayo pushed beyond her limits, as much as she wants to see sayo bleed, she also doesn't want to be the one to make her that way. she wants to see sayo hurt, but she doesn't want to hurt her.
her parents really were right. love sure is complicated! ]
You must have felt lonely, right? [ her voice is excited, energized in that way she has - not just for sayo, no, but for everyone she loves. ] Playing games on your own because nobody else gets it, or because they think about the game differently... I was the same way, you know?
[ she meets each of sayo's little touches with an equal reaction. when sayo hugs her closer, she nestles in; when sayo brushes an arm, himiko runs a finger along an artery. ]
Hey, hey, did you know? I actually always thought mystery stories were super boring. Can you believe it? [ a high, girlish giggle. ] I thought it was just stories about heroes solving crimes without even fighting. Where all the bodies were already cold and they just worked out how it happened.
[ one of her hands gently grips sayo's wrist, her thumb rubbing lightly along the path of the vein. ]
But instead, they're all about wearing someone else's skin! You don't even need to see their blood to do it, they're all already laid out in paper! [ her thumb twitches, her voice catching for a moment. ] You get to see my Quirk every time you talk about those rules! Isn't that incredible, Sayo-chan?!
no subject
This is how Himiko expresses her sympathy, Sayo realizes. Her excitement comes from her earnest attempts to understand someone she cares for finally being rewarded by clicking another piece of the puzzle into place. Of course that joy took priority over whatever pitiful emotions that welled up from the wound of such a painful memory; why linger on such sadness when there was something to celebrate instead?
Every other time that Sayo has bared a part of her scar-filled past to someone in Trench, she wallowed in the misery afterward, whatever catharsis she found in confessing always matched by the ache that remembering her wounds brought. But here, now, she finds herself lifted above the pain by Himiko's innocent joy at taking just one step closer to Sayo's heart. So instead of the usual sad, self-deprecating smile that she offers those who are subjected to her confessions, Sayo's grin is gentle and wholehearted as she turns her head slightly to lean her own cheek into Himiko's.]
Now I'm especially glad that I can play these games with you. Knowing that the little girl in my memories will eventually meet someone else who shared that kind of pain and that they'll play the games she always played alone together... it makes those lonely days hurt less, somehow.
I... hope I do the same for you.
[Sayo is a master of metaphor, and although the impetus is vastly different, she's trying to understand Himiko's heart the same way that Himiko is trying to understand hers. It doesn't take long for her to understand what Himiko's excited rambling is trying to get at, even with the hypnotic way she rubs circles into Sayo's wrist giving her a soothing distraction. When it does sink in after only a second of delay-
Her entire body locks up, frozen by the memory of a beautiful sunset painting itself across the ocean, as a boy awkwardly fumbles through his own way of saying the exact same thing.
Himiko feels salty tears dripping down on her chest, but if she turns to look at Sayo, rather than a mask of agony, she'll find the most radiant smile that she's ever seen on Sayo's face.]
You're... I- I'm sorry, um... [Sniffling, Sayo wipes away her tears.] You're only the second person I've met who's ever understood that, Himiko-chan.
And you're the only one who I know won't leave.
[Sayo's hand turns, gently entwining itself with the one Himiko had been so intently feeling Sayo's heartbeat with through the vein on her wrist.]
It's, um, finally hitting me how selfish I've been, actually. [She laughs, brief and airy.] Every time we've met, it's always been about me.
S- So... [Sayo can't help but look away, embarrassed at the intimacy of what she's about to suggest.] I still don't want you to become me. N- Not yet, at least. It's- it's complicated.
But, for now... [Shyly, Sayo raises her other hand, closer to Himiko's lips.] If you'd like... I'll let you have some.
I know it's not everything you want, but... this is the best I can do right now. For you, Himiko-chan.
no subject
oh.
for a moment, toga falls completely silent, just craning her neck to stare at the other girl. sayo is... she's beautiful like this, isn't she? crying, but with a smile. hurting, but happy. she wants to see that smile, just as much as she wants to see sayo battered and bloody.
her gaze drops to the offered hand. she shivers, a full-body tremor from top to bottom. ]
Oi... Are you sure? [ her lips feel suddenly dry; she licks them, her half-lidded eyes focusing intently on sayo's slender fingers. ] Hey, is it okay? Is it really okay?
[ her voice trembles under the weight of self-control. she's trying so, so hard to make sure this is what sayo wants.
but she sounds so, so hopeful. ]
no subject
(Himiko can feel Sayo's literal heart quickening when Himiko asks her question in that tentative, pleading tone, pumping blood through her veins faster and faster. But Sayo's breathing is too steady, her smile too gentle, for it to be out of fear.)
And Sayo has to admit, feeling Himiko tremble in her arms like that, voice filled with so much hunger and need, feels good in its own way too.]
I'm sure.
I think you deserve to have someone give to you for once, rather than always having to to ask if you can take.
no subject
[ himiko trembles. her shoulders shake. and then, all at once, every last bit of her she's been keeping back erupts. ]
Sayo-chan! [ her free hand surges up, grabbing sayo's offered hand. ] Ah, I'm so happy... I'm so happy! I get to taste Sayo-chan!! I'm so happy I could die!!!
[ she doesn't move to bite the hand, though - not yet. instead, she brings it close, laying it palm-first on her upper chest. sorry, sayo. you're definitely palming at least a little boob here. ]
Hey, hey, can you feel it!? Can you feel how hard my heart's pounding?
[ she lets go, surging up without even a moment's rest so she can reach her bag at the side of the couch. she rifles through it, her actions manic and unrefined, before finally producing a small fingerprick and vial.
she moves to unscrew it - hesitates - looks up, straight into sayo's eyes. her face is beet red, flushed and lovesick; her eyes focus without really focusing, staring into sayo's eyes as if she wants to dive into them. ]
Hey, can I kiss it directly? Is it okay!? Tell me if it's not and I'll stop, I swear, I swear!!
no subject
But if Himiko's overjoyed reaction, a volcano erupting and flooding their world with burning love, didn't give it away... feeling her fluttering, erratic heartbeat, almost in perfect time with the frantic flapping of the muscle caged in Sayo's own chest, definitely did—and also the soft, pliant flesh of Himiko's breast is in a world all of its own that sends a thrill of arousal down Sayo's spine. Now she understands why Battler was so obsessed with boobs.]
Oh-! Y- yes, I, um, I do, I definitely-
[And then Himiko looks into her eyes and the heat that passes between the two of them feels like it incinerates Sayo on the spot. Sayo's stare is more focused, piercing than Himiko's, yet that yearning to connect their hearts and know all of her, burn herself away in all the love that Himiko had to give like Sayo had wanted her whole life, is there all the same.]
I- I- I- I'd really, er, really like that, Himiko-chan, [she squeaks out, the thought of finally getting a kiss from Himiko even if it was on a wellspring of blood shorting out what little of her mind Sayo had remaining after that stare.] P- Please, yes!
cw: vaguely erotic bloodplay. i mean. kind of obviously.
Take a deep breath, okay? This might sting a little~
[ lovingly, intensely, with her own breath caught in her throat, she kneels down before sayo, moving to grab her index finger. and then, with a shocking delicacy - the delicacy of someone who's administered this a dozen times over, someone who's practiced in making it hurt as little as possible - she pricks sayo's finger and squeezes gently. the blood wells up to the surface, gathers into a drop; it starts to roll, gravity taking it down towards the joint of the finger.
toga doesn't want to wait any longer. and so, she doesn't.
without warning or delicacy, she brings sayo's finger up and wraps her lips around it. it's intimate - shockingly intimate. it's warm. it's wet, wet in a way that's equal parts disgusting and intriguing. and then her tongue flicks upward, rolling across the tiny wound, and a look of bliss flashes through himiko toga's eyes. she squeezes at sayo's finger with her own to promote circulation; she seals her lips tight and sucks, trying to get every last drop from the tiny injury-
-and still she wants more. she wants to drink and drink and drink. she wants to keep kissing sayo until both of them are out of breath and wheezing. she looks up, meeting sayo's eyes from her new position on her knees.
this is okay, right? it's still okay, right? ]
no subject
But the application of blood magic can change it, warp it into shapes it couldn't take otherwise. And right now, more than anything else, Sayo wants Himiko to be able to drain her wound dry of blood, to feel the tangy blueberry-taste of darkblood roll down her throat in liquid form just like she wants. So by her will, that is exactly what she gets, Sayo's love literally infusing every drop of blood to keep it in the shape of Himiko's desires.
Sayo herself gasps, a sharp exhale that takes with it what few coherent thoughts had remained rattling around inside her skull with the sheer pleasure that Himiko's ungentle ministrations bring. She can feel the sting of her tongue wetly probing around the edges of the prick, slowly spreading the skin apart as if its folds were Sayo's lips to get at the steady flow of blood. Each time Himiko freshly laps at the wound, the full-body shiver that Himiko was struck with while in Sayo's lap strikes her, joints locking up from the pleasure brought about by the sheer intimacy of the moment, how greedily Himiko's locked her mouth around Sayo's finger, each ounce of pressure proof of her affection, how she wants more more more more-
When Himiko just looks at her, Sayo lets out another gasp, then turns away bashfully, flushed face slowly nodding as she bites her own lip.]
no subject
when she finally pulls away, her breathing is heavy; a slight trail of reddish glitter dangles between sayo's finger and himiko's lips. and still himiko's eyes stay focused, straight onto sayo's. she's not sure she could look away if she wanted to.
and she most certainly wants to keep looking. ]
Hey, Sayo-chan... Did you know? [ she giggles, a love-drunk sound that stumbles out from her lips, and whispers - just loud enough for the both of them. ] I've never kissed someone like that before. Even my friends only let me give little ones over the band-aid, ehehe...
[ she runs her fingers along sayo's palm, looking positively lovestruck. ]
Can you tell now? Just how much I love you.
no subject
That was it, she realizes, eyes widening. She wasn't numb, lacking in sensation, something that she had so ridiculously tried to assign to this wonderful, intimate not-kiss because it was the only feeling she'd experienced that was remotely comparable. It was overstimulation from sheer pleasure, something novel to Sayo. She lets out a whimper as Himiko renews her assault, and exhales with satisfaction when it ends, practically melting into the couch despite the intense pins-and-needles sensation in her forefinger.
She smiles dreamily, deliriously, as Himiko rambles, giggling along with her when she confesses that had been her "first kiss." Even when thoughts begin streaming in to fill Sayo's blasted-empty mind once more, she tilts her head to the side and smiles goofily when Himiko takes her confession one step further, the words that had always caused her such pain as she dragged them out of her throat by their thorny stem now flooding out of Sayo's mouth like healing nectar.]
I can. I, I do-
I love you too, Himiko-chan!
[But with those words, an illusion isn't created, but dispelled. Sayo looks down at Himiko's innocent(?) glee at finally having someone who tries to understand, who accepts wholeheartedly, who loves the way that she has endless love to give to someone who's bold enough to accept it-
And with a pang in her heart, realizes that she can't let that smile be unexpectedly crushed by the horrible weight of truths that Trench and its inhabitants could haul from Sayo's closet to present the bleached bones of to Himiko.
Better to give it a slow and gentle death. (And hope for the miracle that maybe, just maybe, it would survive the unendurable gravity of reality.)]
...and that's... why I need to tell you something about me. Something that I've been hiding from you.
[Sayo draws away, her goofy smile falling to melancholy.]
And I need you to listen. Not just as the Himiko Toga in front of me now, but as the hero you're going to be. All of you needs to hear this.
[A deep, shuddering breath.]
I'm a murderer, Himiko-chan. [Sayo's gaze is haunted, laden with guilt for not just the lives she crushed, but for the lives every version of her cruelly cast aside, no matter this Sayo Yasuda's culpability.] I've killed four people. Not out of self-defense, not because I was protecting someone, but because I...
I wanted revenge, I wanted to be seen, more than I valued their lives.
[Whether or not Genji, Kumasawa, Nanjo, and especially Gohda deserved it was an academic question. The fact was that Sayo had killed them all in cold blood.]
It's not just them, either. [Sayo bites her lip, this time not out of embarrassment or arousal, but because the words she needs to force out suddenly seem heavy in her mouth, after how much she's realized she loves Himiko.] I arranged a twisted, awful game that caused the deaths of nine people that were dear to me, all because I was a coward. Even if I never wanted to pull the trigger for the rest of them after the game was won, even if I wished for all the killing to end, even if G- Geo- George-san, [she's crying again, that wound bleeding freshly with all of her overflowing love for Himiko] was an accident, I- I could've stopped it at any time, and I didn't.
I'm... I'm a villain. It's as simple as that.
[Sayo's shoulders are hunched over, head drooping down. She can't look Himiko in the eyes.]
I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. I just wanted another friend, someone who I could trust, someone who understood me, who I didn't have to expose all the ugliest parts of myself to without needing to.
But if you want to love me... before you make that decision, you need to know what that means. You need to know before you make the mistake of becoming her without realizing what face you're taking on.
...I'm so, so sorry, Himiko-chan. [She sniffles, then manages to look Himiko in the eyes again, putting on a wavering smile.] Please... make your choice as both Himiko Toga and Blood Driver. As all of you, all at once, rather than letting a single voice reign.
Don't repeat my mistake, or you'll inherit my regrets too.
1/4
so why is sayo interrupting her? why is sayo making her hear something she doesn't want to hear? why is sayo making her listen?
slowly, delicately, toga disentangles herself from the emotions running high. she can't keep thinking about what she wants to do to sayo. she has to hear her out. she has to listen. ]
2/4
Sayo-chan, you...?
[ four people.
four people with their own dreams and ambitions.
four people that could have been anyone. four people that could have been friends. four people that could have been the heroes of their own stories, dead and gone. and for what? revenge? being seen?
she almost understands. she's so, so close to understanding sayo already. it all slots into what she knows, plays together to illustrate just a bit more of the picture. and that's what scares her most - if she thinks just a bit more, she starts to see why it happened. she starts to see how she could justify it. she starts to see-
she starts to see a world where she isn't a hero either. just like the people that trust her. just like the people she trusts most. ]
3/4
sayo wants someone to understand her. sayo wants someone to know her and still love her. sayo wants, so, so badly, for someone to solve her mystery. and himiko can understand all of that, innately and immediately.
it hurts. it hurts more than anything. she doesn't want to understand, just as much as she desperately needs it. and none of that matters, because she already does understand. she's understood since they first met.
can she choose as himiko? can she choose as a hero? can she meaningfully be both? ]
4/4
but she's a hero. she can't always do what she wants. she has to say it. and so she does. ]
Sayo-chan... this is a whole lot to take in, you know?
[ it's not said with cruelty, and it's not said with judgment. it doesn't even seem like she quite knows what to say herself. she's just saying what she has to - what comes to mind. ]
I'm really sorry, Sayo-chan. I think... I need some time to think about all this.
[ about sayo. about the both of them. about herself.
she leans in, wrapping her arms around the other girl. and though the desperation, the need to crawl into sayo's skin, isn't quite there... the affection still is, wholly and completely. ]
I'll be back to give you my answer. I promise, okay? And heroes don't break those.
no subject
That's all I can ask for, [she says, voice raspy from all the tears she's pushing back until Himiko leaves so as not to chain her here with the monster-
And then Himiko hugs her.
It's an oddly tender thing, she thinks as she gently squeezes back. Even with all the casual touches they shared, there was this hunger behind them that Sayo had always found thrilling but had never quite discovered the courage to indulge. This is different, though. Pure affection, soft and sweet and melancholy, and knowing that Himiko put all her restraint into making sure it was only that-
Makes her next words hurt all the more.
Something in Sayo's expression subtly shatters, when Himiko finally pulls away. Something subtle, something almost impossible to detect... it looks like resignation, almost.]
...okay, Himiko-chan. I'll...
I'll wait for you.
[Maybe, just maybe
She'll be rewarded this time.]
no subject
[ it's all she can make herself say.
with that, she lets go. and with that, she takes a step back - then another - and then walks away. ]