deercountry | is this how it is? how it's always been?

Entry tags:

is this how it is? how it's always been?

Who: Shiro & Open
What: May Catch-All
When: All throughout the month
Where: Mouse House, The Beach, Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Grief, isolation, corruption symptoms, mild monstrous body horror

GRIEF | physical / emotional corruption signs

MOUSE HOUSE
A lot has happened. None of it has been particularly good. Like the blows keep coming and coming, while you're trying to dodge and weave around them all. And failing. Picking yourself up is almost impossible. But... he has to. Shiro has to. There are still people here who depend on him. There are still people here who need someone.

So he picks himself up. Every single day. He makes his rounds through the house, ostensibly checking on the occupants - What do you need? Can I do anything? How are you? But, privately, to make sure they're all still there. He is fine, because he has to be. Because the only person he can fall apart around is hurting just as badly. Or worse.

And if he wakes up to the multitude of scars crossing his body turning a darker shade, then... well. It's just the month. Just the Trench weirdness.

Anyone living or visiting the house is subject to the same questions - the same constant checking. Though his voice is tighter, the lines under his eyes heavier.

Are you okay? he'll ask.

He's fine.

THE BEACH
His scars have blackened. Like marks of fire across his skin. He's been sitting on the shoreline so long, honestly, he hasn't noticed. I just need some air - he'd said. Just needed to step out. Step away from being ... he doesn't even know anymore. Wanting to be of service, wanting to make a difference and not being able to do a damned thing. The need to help, the need to do some good somewhere in this place has been driving him through the losses.

But what real difference has any of it made?

The guilt swirls in and out like the surf. Maybe he'd gotten too complacent. Maybe he'd done something wrong. Maybe if they'd acted faster on their plans against a certain familiar face here - a certain "Mother Mercy", then...

Maybes. What if's. Guilt. His shoulders ache, his scars itch.

Communicate, he'd been advised. Advised and bottled up. Put away on a shelf for a day when Shiro didn't have to shoulder the world. When he feels like two more names need to be added to the list of people he couldn't save.

But there's still people congregating on the boardwalk. There's still the plethora of spring food and celebration going on. Maybe he should go up there and grab some?

Maybe he needs some convincing - or, at least, someone to drag him off the sand.

MONSTERS | TDM Mirror Prompt

WILLFUL MACHINE | BEFORE
Those bottled up emotions feel as if they're drowning him. So he stalks through the city, now. On a mission he'd promised someone else he'd take up. One more thing to try and mitigate the loss. To try and make useless blood and we don't need you anymore into something worthwhile. Try to hunt a monster. A man on a mission.

Despite the fact he's still wearing his right arm tied to his chest in an immobilizing sling, but oh well. At least he's wearing his armor this time, black and white armor that probably stands out in the Trench streets. There's no other outlet for these feelings. Talking it out only puts the burden on other people, especially those that are also hurting.

So - he's out looking for the weird tentacle thing Min-Gi had told him about. He's not sure if he'll find it. But hey - he won't turn down backup, thankfully. Catch him about anywhere in this area, patrolling.

... You may have to be quick, because while Shiro won't turn down help, he has a tendency to duck his head away from familiar faces.

ANYWHERE IN TRENCH | AFTER {cw: mild monstrous body horror}
Just some window shopping. Maybe bring something back home - brighten up his partner's day. Something like that.

Except... reflective glass. Reflections. The first time Shiro passes one, it's normal. He just looks as exhausted and scarred and weary as always. So he sighs, shakes his head. And keeps walking. Maybe he should just go home -

No sooner does he think that, then, abruptly, he sees another shape in the glass. It may have been himself, once. But now it's grown. It's turned from human to some awful monstrosity. Some sort of huge, hulking brute, its right arm a twisted mockery of metal and wire. The scar across its face mirrors his own, but deeper, more ragged, like something had attempted to cut its entire head in half. It stares at him, its eyes cold, glazed yellow.

Winks.

And suddenly, it is shambling down the streets. All the locked up, boiling restlessness in Shiro's chest itching to be released.

And no sooner does it find someone than it decides it would like to brawl. Right there in the street. With the real Shiro trapped along for the ride, locked in its head.

Perfect.

((ooc: if you want anything specific let me know !! Or throw your own starter in and I'll roll with it. I'll match format, too! Action or Prose.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Nah, I - I'll nap later."

If he can. He's not sure if he'd be able to do more than sit there, staring into space. Thinking too much, and trying to bury it all. He hasn't been, lately. Up until now, he'd been able to let things come up, let himself be upset, or sad, or frustrated. But since finding out - hearing - since -

Well. He's lost his balance. There, that's easier to think. He doesn't want to let those thoughts free where they can encroach on someone else's pain. Adam is hurting just as much as he is. And all Shiro wants to do is fix it.

So he doesn't sit. Not right now. Though he does lean a hip on the arm of the couch, still concerned. "Glad to hear it. Really. I... was worried it was going to go further than that," he admits. "We don't have space for an aviary."

Leaning against the arm of the couch is still better than not taking a seat at all. Maybe he just needs to work his way up to it. Ryan doesn't move to hog the couch again, incase Shiro changes his mind.

He shrugs, nonchalantly.

"Guess I would've had to sleep on the roof like a real bird."

Maybe he would've made a whole nest up there for his giant bird monster self or a huge blanket fort or something sweet like that.

Wait. He's getting off track here.

"But yeah, it doesn't even hurt or anything anymore," he says. "And Min was a lot cooler with it than I thought he'd be? Not that I thought he would've been a jerk but, y'know. ...Bird legs are a lot."

"In Trench? Nah, not happening."

Even if there was a nest involved or fort. It wouldn't be shelter enough for Shiro's liking. Probably not for anyone who knew Ryan's liking. He could almost hear Adam's Oh no you do not response. Maybe. If he let himself...

He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, shaking it off.

"I'm glad," he says, genuinely. Reassuring. If it doesn't hurt, maybe it's over. Maybe there won't be any more unfortunate changes. Almost right on cue, his back itches. Sympathetic feelings, he thinks. "Is he all right? Nothing weird going on there? I... haven't really seen him since the beach."

Ryan tilts his head (a typical gesture of his that feels so much more bird-like now that he's half-bird) and raises an eyebrow.

"Dude, I was just kidding."

Maybe it didn't land well given how he was living before, but he's not about to literally go sleep on the roof. Or maybe Shiro just really is that tired, or maybe Ryan just messed up the punchline.

He only has the barest minimum of understanding about what happened on the beach, because he slept through the whole thing and no one's been especially eager to talk about it, but it's enough to understand why they haven't seen each other in a few weeks."

"Yeah, totally! He's good, he didn't turn into anything. His corruption's like, way better too, I think it's basically gone? I'd say it's nice to have things back to normal but, y'know--"

And he makes a circular gesture, to sort of indicate "this whole bird mess right here".

"Right..." Just kidding. Just a joke. He should have figured, shouldn't he? He should be more aware of these things. He's supposed to be in control here. Supposed to be on top of things. Now he's missing something that simple? Good job, Shiro. "Sorry. Chalk that up to sleep problems?"

Though if he uses that excuse too many times, he's going to get The Sleep Tea forced on him again.

"He mentioned corruption..." His face itches. "Afterward, I mean. I messaged him a bit, to check in." But not speaking. He's not sure if Min-Gi would even want to speak with him after that. Not in person, anyway. It was just supposed to be a fun ride and Shiro'd gotten the poor kid turned into a squid. "I'm glad he's all right."

His weary expression flickers into sympathy. You know, for the bird mess.

"Hopefully it's just for the rest of the month."

The Sleep Tea is Adam's department. For now, Ryan just nods and takes him at face value. Not sleeping enough is rough, regardless of the reason. He's been there.

"Eh, I'm sure it'll pass - most of the stuff around here does eventually, right?"

Not that he wants to be a bird forever, but he might as well enjoy the good parts while he can, right? It's not as if there's a lesson he has to learn or, you know, self-examining to do. It's fine.

"Some of it's pretty cool?" he admits. "Like, still hate the bird legs but the wings actually work! I can fly and it's exactly as cool as you'd think it is."

He flutters his wings a little as he says it, like a show off.

"I'm glad you and Min talked though. Like...uh. It's hard to explain without getting too deep into it, but I could totally see you guys just being awkward about it forever if neither of you said anything?"

Because obviously messaging Min a little bit on the network means they talked it out, right? And everything's good now, right?

"Yeah. Mostly."

The smile he manages is mostly for Ryan's sake, more than anything. He doesn't want Ryan to worry. That's the last thing he wants, for anyone in this house. The atmosphere is too heavy already. Maybe... if they manage to reach Cynthia, they can see about more of the Moon Essence. Something.

Something to help - like you can't. Right? She can help, you can't. You just can't.

"Hah - yeah?" The smile is more real this time. "I had that happen a couple months back. Best time I'd had in Trench, being able to fly again." It's a bit of a shame, really, that their wings didn't line up. He'd really felt... good. Being able to take flight again. "I could have shown you a few things."

Then Shiro trails off. Tellingly. He drops his gaze, shoulders tensing against the ache and the itch in his skin. "I... don't know if we're all right. I really screwed up," he admits, finally.

Ryan isn't at all worried - in his opinion it's too soon to be worried. If it isn't gone by the end of May? Then he'll start to freak out a little.

He's so glad to get a real smile out of Shiro though, and it's easy to get caught up in his own excitement.

"Dude, you had wings too? That's so sick. Sucks I didn't have them back then. I would've killed to learn some flying tricks!"

A beat, and then-- "That was another joke, by the way. Obviously I wouldn't've murdered over it, but still--!"

Shiro's face falls again though, and in turn so does Ryan's.

"What do you mean?" he asks, gently. "...Whatever it is couldn't have been that bad if he was talking to you, right? ...Probably?"

Hopefully?

"Yeah. Huge ones - I'm not sure what kind of bird, but they worked great, too." And yes, Ryan, it's okay, he knows it's a joke. Because the smile doesn't flicker there. "You sure? I'm kind of a daredevil in the air..."

Because of the whole pilot thing. He hadn't been considered an ace pilot back home for nothing.

A exhale. He pushes his hand through his hair. The left one. Because the right one is still held close, occasionally resting in a sling when he gets too tired. He keeps his eyes on the ground.

"I wanted to take him out for a ride. He was really excited about my bike, and after the ... mushrooms... I thought he could use one." His left shoulder twitches in a shrug, the words coming out short and thick. "Hopped off for a second, and I shouldn't have. He... wanted to drive, but I stopped him."

Or tried to.

"Hit my head and when I woke up, he was a squid."

Ryan listens as Shiro fills in some of the gaps in the story. Maybe he should feel weirder about the fact that Shiro reached out after the mushroom debacle, more guilty, but...he's kind of grateful? Min had a hard time taking care of him and juggling everything, enough so that he started corrupting. That Ryan still feels a little guilty for, but...Shiro had the right instinct, to make sure Min was okay.

Everything else is a wild ride, pun intended.

"That's...not like him," Ryan says slowly. "I mean, I believe you! But Min's like...uhhhh..."

Hm. How does he say this nicely?

"...A really cautious person," he settles on. "But like. Corruption, man. It's weird as hell. And it apparently works different for everybody. The squidding sounds more normal for him though."

Is he getting faster at changing back? He missed that whole part of it, so that's kind of neat if it's true - especially since Min had been so worried about not having magic at all.

Wait, that's not the point here. He waits expectantly, as if Shiro hasn't hit the end of the story yet, but no more seems to be coming.

"Wait, so..." Ryan counts off on his fingers. "You did something nice for Min. You saw him about to do something stupid and dangerous and tried to stop him. And...you got hurt in the process."

He looks at his three fingers and wiggles them - and then looks to Shiro.

"...What part of this is supposed to be you screwing up again?"

"Yeah. He told me it was probably the corruption. I believe him."

Had believed him. Immediately. After seeing what happened to Mako, what happened to Varian - who is gone, he's gone, you can't think of him anymore, you lost him - Shiro was more than willing to believe the incident was corruption-related.

So why hadn't he seen the signs? Why didn't he realize something was wrong?

Shiro stays silent when Ryan asks the question. Frankly, he doesn't know how to answer it in a way that's going to be believed. He knows what part. He knows it perfectly. But no one else can ever see it. His eyes are back on the ground. Like the carpet is going to offer up some magical, mysterious answer.

Who else is there to blame? Not Min, that was Corruption. There was no one else on the beach. He should have known. He should have seen it -

"I got off," he says, finally. "To put him in front of me. So he could... throw his hands in the air all he wanted. And I could hold him steady." He sees it. He sees it so clearly. "Shouldn't have done that."

That's good that Shiro believes it was corruption. That's a start. Just like this entire little conversation is a very small start.

He nods along, painting the mental picture in his head. It still seems like kind of a dumb thing to blame yourself for, but he (thankfully) manages to keep that thought under lock and key. It's something various adults in his life would have called "not productive or helpful".

"Okay, so. You got off the bike to put him in the front."

Saying it kind of solidifies it, like he's sliding everything into place to try and see the bigger picture here.

"Thing is, you would have had to get off the bike eventually. It's not like you could live on it so he'd never be able to jump on it and take it for a joyride."

He leans over a little and looks to the door, making a picture frame with his fingertips.

"You definitely wouldn't've fit through the door."

Is he joking? Probably.

"Sooooo, bzzt." He makes a buzzer noise with his mouth. "That isn't your fault either."

"The smart thing to do would have been to cut the ride short, or waited to get off until I took him home."

There, an answer. It's probably not a great one. But it's another thing he should have done differently. Clear enough in hindsight. Shouldn't have let Min-Gi off, should have kept a better eye on him, never gotten off, never tried -

He'd just gone and made a mess of things. He'd just screwed up. He'd just failed. Again. How many more times before he'd lost the connection completely? Before he'd overstepped too much and there was a wall between someone who meant so much to Ryan? To someone who'd become family?

The joke would have been funny. The noise would have earned a huff of a laugh.

But... he's just messed up. Too many times.

"No one else was there to stop him."

Ryan frowns a little. Fine, he guesses that makes sense. Sure, Shiro could have done that, but he's still beating himself up way too hard over what was pretty obviously an accident.

"You know that means it's kind of my fault too, right?"

He isn't saying it because he really feels guilty, or even to try and guilt trip Shiro - he's just trying to poke holes in his logic in whatever way he can. Shiro's going to blame himself? Cool. Two can play that game.

"I mean first of all, I'm someone who could have been there and I wasn't. Totally slept through the whole thing and you got hurt and Min squidded and if I was there, maybe I could have stopped that."

It's a reach, and he knows it's a reach. It's why he saves the more sincere reason to blame him for last.

"Plus, we talked it out. The whole corruption thing, I mean. Trying to help me pushed him into his own corruption spiral, so like...if I had held it together like, a little better, he probably wouldn't have been corrupted in the first place. You guys could have had a normal bike ride."

He rubs the back of his neck. Wow, that might have been too sincere? He reels it in a little with a sheepish grin, but seals it with one last point.

"Sorry you got hurt 'cause of me. My bad?"

"What? No - no, that's. You didn't have any control over that. It was your blood."

No, excuse you. This is Shiro's blame to shoulder. Literally. With the way it's pressing down, heavier and heavier. He was there. He was trying to help out after the mess the previous month had been. And only succeeded in making things worse. He was supposed to the cautious one. The calm, collected one. But he'd ... he'd let adrenaline take it away.

Shiro's finally looked up, at least. Finally taken his eyes off the ever-important carpet. Because it just doesn't make sense to blame someone else. Not when he was the responsible adult. Not when he was the one who wasn't suffering.

"The mushrooms, the sleep... none of that was your fault," he says, firm. As sure as he had been when he'd blamed himself. "You did the best you could. I was the one who... nothing was wrong with me. I should have known better. You have nothing to apologize for."

Just him.

Always just him. Shiro lost Allura, Shiro couldn't go down the Pit, Shiro wasn't there when he should have been, Shiro chose flight over love, Shiro... let everything slip away, and it's All his fault because it should have been you.

"I don't blame you."

Shiro practically twists himself into a pretzel to try and prove it isn't Ryan's fault, but Ryan is quick to turn it back to Shiro, looking directly at him.

"And I don't blame you."

He's oddly firm in that assertion, confident the same logic applies here.

"You did the best you could too. I don't think you could have known better because it was so outside what Min would normally do? And even if it was, even if I could tell you he had some weird secret daredevil streak...that still wouldn't be your fault, because you've only known him a little while. You're not a mindreader, man."

There's no way he should be expected to have Ryan levels of knowledge about Min-Gi, and honestly even Ryan screws it up now and then.

"You're being way too hard on yourself anyway," he says. "You can't always know better. Like, it's literally not possible? People make mistakes all the time. It happens. You're allowed."

Everyone is, and everyone includes Shiro.

Why not?

It's what he wants to say. It's what he's wanted to say for a long time. To so many people - people who just won't let him take the blame he should. Keith, Allura, Lance - even Adam won't let him shoulder the responsibility. Not even when he's let them down so clearly. It doesn't make sense. What makes him so damned special he's not allowed to bear his own perceived mistakes?

Why won't you blame me?

His shoulders twitch. Aching with a weight that feels almost physical, while his skin itches, painfully.

It should have been it should be me.

Only the effort of closing himself off from his partner - the effort of trying to keep their pain separate for the other's sake - keeps those thoughts from flooding their bond. From getting another grieving adult into the room, and forcing Shiro's stupid problems onto someone else. Breathe - he needs to focus. Breathe. Steady himself. There's not going to be a winner here, there's not going to be an answer they agree on, and Ryan's being too kind. So... Shiro does what Shiro always does.

"Right."

Shiro shuts down.

"He mentioned something else, when I talked to him," he says, instead. "Something about a tentacle... creature?"

Why not change the subject? Instead of anything productive, anything even remotely useful or explanatory. Anything getting to the heart of the issues. Because he should know better. He should be better. Who else is there?

Ryan knows what shutting down looks like - he's done it before. But he isn't often on the other side of things, and he definitely hasn't experienced it since washing ashore with his empathy powers.

The only way he can really describe it is not so much an emotion as a change in air pressure between them. The same way someone with aching joints can feel a change in the weather in their bones, Ryan can sense a storm under the surface, one that muddles anything else he could read off of Shiro at the moment.

It's...extremely worrying, actually. It's more worrying than another insistence that everything is still Shiro's fault somehow. It's more worrying because Ryan has no clue how to go about trying to help.

So...he lets the change in subject slide, and looks at him curiously. Tentacle creature could mean almost anything in this weird eldritch city, but then it clicks.

"Oh! Yeah, the one from the train!" he says. "It's huge and it's got like, big lips for some reason? It came out of one of the wormholes from last month and it chased us down, but we haven't seen it anywhere since."

That connects to something else too, something Shiro should probably know.

"Did he tell you he figured out some of the dark blood stuff too? The tentacle bot had us cornered and he just sucked us into a wormhole and we hid there until the thing was gone." A pause. "...So we were like, totally fine. Nobody got hurt."

Okay, that's probably something to dig into later. Probably something that needs to be addressed - something that should be brought up to those who are mentally bonded to this fool man. But - something else makes his brain skitter and jerk off the train tracks to trauma town.

He stares.

Takes a deep breath. Steeples his fingers in front of his face, as if getting ready to pray. And when he speaks, it is with the utmost seriousness one can muster when they are asking such a question:

"Why... does it have... lips?"

And, thankfully, that train of less terrible thoughts continues. He actually seems to perk up a bit. "He did? He - " Wait, hold on. "Wormhole? He can make wormholes with his powers?"

The first question just gets a shrug and an "eh" sort of noise. Fuck if he knows. He's never stopped to think about it, but also it's not like he put lips on the weirdo robot.

"No idea, man."

The pivot to wormhole talk is easy though, and probably better to talk about than the robot that's possibly still running around Trench.

"Yeah, apparently!" he says. "He literally didn't know before it happened? Like, he mentioned some wormhole thing happening with you guys and he was worried about that because they started to pop up like everywhere, but apparently it was all him! ...Well, not all him. The ones in town weren't him. But he can make wormholes! Gnarly, right?"

He grins at Shiro, as though that was an even remotely coherent explanation for everything. It made enough sense to him so that's probably good, right?

"Tentacles... and lips. Great."

Why wouldn't it be tentacles and lips? That's just the way Trench works, it seems like. He drags his hands down his face, pausing to itch at the scar over his nose. Maybe he really does need to moisturize or whatever it is.

Thankfully, Ryan forges on ahead, getting Shiro's brain back on a better track.

"That's what was happening?" They'd tapped into Min's darkblood abilities? Over the oranges and the awkward conversations - they'd actually done something positive? He was sure he'd fumbled there, too. "We were working on the grounding - the stuff I was showing you, how to get your brain back on track. I ... was hoping he could use it with you, too."

But then Min had generated a wormhole and they'd both kind of panicked.

"Oh, yeah! The senses thing. That seriously helped, man."

Ryan had been pretty overwhelmed at the time with his own corruption, but he remembers Shiro getting him to slow his brain down and bring him to a place where he could actually say what was going on and why it was particularly bad.

It's incredibly nice that Shiro made the effort to teach it to Min-Gi too, so that someone else would know how to do that when he isn't around. Ryan isn't sure he would have even made that connection a few months ago, but it's hard not to when you feel the emotions of everyone around you all the time.

This is also why it doesn't surprise him that much when Shiro tells him that's where it started.

"But-- yeah, that must have been it. Min gets like that sometimes?"

Wait. He's like three sentences ahead in this explanation. Let him rewind a second.

"Not like, the wormhole thing. That part's new. But...he gets like, really nervous sometimes? And like I said, he was pretty stressed out because of my whole...thing. He probably just got too in his head about it and accidentally made a wormhole to try and split."

Ryan wasn't there and he can't know for sure, but that would be his guess. Min tends to run when he's uncomfortable, and the wormhole basically led to a pocket dimension they could hide in, that Min could control.

"It did?"

Honestly, he hadn't been sure it had done anything at all. It just seemed like a whopping failure on his part. Like he hadn't done any good for either of them. Just hearing that much gets the lines around his eyes to fade a fraction. At least one thing went right...

He must have arched an eyebrow at Ryan before the poor kid forges on. Makes wormholes sometimes? But, no. Panics. That tracks better than making holes in the fabric of reality, actually. At least where Min is concerned.

"Guess that explains why he went back to Squid Mode when Keith showed up..." Doesn't really erase his other colossal failure back there. But it does explain the squid part. Whether or not Keith will want to accept it is up in the air. "He's - never really able to keep his cool when something happens to me."

Even accidents. So, if Keith had been Keith about it - no wonder Min had panicked.

"Are you helping him practice with it at all? Or did he manage to find a darkblood tutor?"

"Yeah, totally!" he says. "I mean...no, it didn't make the hallucinations literally go away, but it still helped with everything else while I waited it out."

It doesn't seem to bother Ryan that it wasn't an immediate fix - sometimes stuff takes time, and he's learned to be a little better about that than he used to be. If he hadn't started doing the grounding stuff, his corruption might have gotten even worse. Given how it seemed to spread to Min, he's a glad it wasn't worse.

He can't help but chuckle at the mention of Squid Mode.

"That would do it for sure. He's gone squid a few times since he got here."

The rest though...Ryan wiggles a hand.

"He's definitely trying more stuff now that he knows he like, actually can? Buuuut with the whole corruption thing I don't think he's had a chance to look around. He'd probably do well with something like that though? Structure's good for Min."

"I didn't know you guys were using it..."

Or that it had even had an effect at all. He'd really, sincerely thought it was just another failure of his. Just one more thing that didn't work. That he didn't try hard enough to manage. It's always that he's not trying enough.

Always.

But not this time, apparently? He hadn't expected immediate, perfect results of any of the methods. Just hearing he'd made a difference...

"Like when he first woke up?" Shiro remembers that. How upset Ryan had been. And then how elated. "I remember when that happened."

A nod. It sounds like a good plan. Get yourself figured out before venturing into new territory. Made a lot of sense, actually. "I told him if I met anyone, I'd let him know. Haven't yet, but I will, still."

is this how it is? how it's always been?

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