deercountry | SOMETIMES THE ONLY ROAD YOU TAKE IS THE DARKEST || July Catch-All

[The day that Faith learned she was a Slayer, she thought it was the best thing to have ever happened to her. She knew, of course, rather quickly that she would die young. She knew that before she was called, the calling only meant she'd die for something and have her death matter.

It's this romantic idea of death and murder that caught her, trapped her in a way. Everything she's done, it's been a desperate attempt to matter to the world, and to the people she loves in it.

It's only on the rooftop with her hands gripped tightly around the dagger she drove deep into Willow's heart with the taste of her lips still clinging to her like the bitter aftertaste of cyanide.

She wasn't as afraid as she should have been that Willow wouldn't come back. Of course she would. She has faith in her (heh). But she's not sure if it would matter if Willow remembered or not. If it would be better or worse.

Sometimes she remembers Buffy telling her that they all wanted to forget her. Sometimes Faith wishes she had the luxury.

She looks up when the door cracks open, her breath leaving her, and her face a mix of too many emotions. Guilt, grief, pain, relief... and the impulse to wrap her arms around Willow and not let her go again.

Instead, she sits there, like an idiot.]

Hey, you. [God.] Uh. Yeah. If you wanna talk.

[She'd understand if Willow never wanted to talk to her again. Faith, in all her greedy self destructive narcissism, takes all the blame and blankets herself with it.]

[It's not an immediate rejection, and it comes as such a relief, some of the tension drains out of Willow's shoulders. Quietly, she steps into the room and crosses the floor to go sit with Faith.

She's genuinely unsure where to begin. How do you apologize to someone for influencing them into helping you with a murder spree? How do you thank them for doing what needed to be done to stop you from amassing even more of a body count of both friends and enemies?]

I, uh...

[She gives a small, forced laugh.]

I guess I should've practiced this first, huh? Especially in a place like this. Probably bound to happen sooner or later, right?

[Corruption has been a private fear for a long time. After everything that happened in Sunnydale, after nearly killing Ford in Deerington, after seeing how it influenced people in Trench. At least she stopped short of trying to destroy the world this time.

That fear was also why she defended Luna so vehemently against Johnny, and why she has been researching in the Archives, trying to find ways to keep it at bay. It was at least part of the reason why it managed to gain such a hold over her without her even recognizing what was happening.

She swallows against the hard lump threatening to form in her throat.]

Faith. I'm sorry. I know it doesn't even begin to make it okay, but it's still true. I'm really, really sorry - about everything. The whole revenge spree thing. Dragging you down with me, almost killing you. Actually killing Johnny, and Savage, and Sayo, and Maul. I never should've...

[Willow looks down at her hands, folded on her lap. She might not have struck the killing blows on Maul or Sayo, but she's still responsible for their deaths - far more so than Faith is. Faith who had stuck by her through everything until she couldn't any more. Even when she didn't deserve it.]

I never should've let it get that far.

[She hears it, hears the fear in Willow's voice, even now. Like Faith will just turn on her, reject her.

She feels her heart tighten in her chest, and as Willow lets out her agonized confessions, confessions that Faith has weighed on her own shoulders since the night the ship sunk into the ocean with Gideon, and Willow's sanity, all along for the ride... She reaches an arm around Willow's shoulders, and hugs her.]

I promised too. I'm not going to pretend like you've got nothing to be sorry for, you do. But you don't have to do it alone. We did it together, alright? We'll go down for it, metaphorically, together too.

[She feels her own eyes well up, her own throat heavy.]

I should have stopped you. Before you made a mistake. I promised I would. I was in my right mind enough to know that I should have, even at the time. And I...

[There's the kiss, one last act of cruelty and kindness and affection and tender loving execution as she reached up and pierced her heart. How do you apologize for that? How do you make up for that kind of betrayal?]

I'm sorry too. For a lot of things. [It'll have to do.]

[It's a relief. It's beyond a relief when Faith promises they'll get through it together. The tension drains out of Willow's shoulders as she melts into the hug, and after a beat, she wraps an arm around Faith in return.]

Yeah. Yeah, we'll get through it together.

[She takes a deep, shaky breath and wipes at her eyes, and shakes her head at the apology. Likewise, she's not going to say there's nothing to apologize for; there's no shortage of atonements they both need to make under the circumstances. She can, at least, offer one other reassurance.]

You did the right thing, at the end. I didn't give you another choice. I wouldn't have stopped on my own. I would've kept trying to hunt down everyone I thought I should take revenge on, and hurting - or killing - anyone who got in the way.

...Everyone keeps saying that, like... [She swallows a lump in her throat, looking down at her feet with an expression of... frustration? Like she can't get the words across. It's not an uncommon feeling for Faith, so often surrounded by people so much smarter and more well educated than her in all her simplicity.]

I don't think there was a right thing at that point. I had an opportunity earlier, to stop you, but instead...

[She sighs. She hates that it had to end that way. And even if she did the best she could, that didn't make it any easier to deal with Willow being gone.]

...I was worried you wouldn't come back. Or you'd... forget again.

[Willow gives a little nod of understanding. She's pretty sure she knows what Faith's thoughts are going. Just because something had to be done, doesn't necessarily make it easier, nor does it necessarily help alleviate the guilt that comes long with making those difficult choices.]

Just because other people say it, doesn't make it easier, huh?

[She takes a deep breath. It's a difficult conversation to have to have, but at least when she considers the damage she would have continued to inflict on Trench had no one stood against her, it makes the trauma of that final fight, and her death a little easier to bear.

Death is far too common of a condition in Trench, it seems, but at least it seems like there's rarely any lasting harm.]

You did try to stop me, though, remember? Johnny? I don't think it would've changed much if you had drawn the line sooner. It still would've gone the same in the end. I was too angry at too many people, and too into my own head to be talked down. If it wasn't you and Ozpin, it would've been someone else, but a whole lot of other people might have gotten hurt in the meantime.

[She manages a small smile at the concern that she might not come back, or that she would have forgotten Trench like she had in the past. It's a relief to be back whole, with all her memories intact, and feeling not much worse for wear under the circumstances, and Faith's concern is genuinely touching.]

I'll always come back. I promise, okay? Even if I come back needing help, I'll always come back.

[It's something. But on the other end, Sayo wouldn't have been in Willow's sights if it hadn't been for Faith. She could take away Willow's magic but not Faith's proficiency as a killing machine. But it's true. Faith couldn't have stopped her. She's not Buffy.

Faith sighs, but nods, accepting what Willow says.

It's not an absolution, but, she wouldn't accept it if it was.]

...Good. I don't - [She breathes a shaky, emotional breath, her hold on Willow tightening just a bit.] - I don't think I could do this without you.

[It means a lot - that Faith still needs her even after everything that's happened. It's easy to let her head drop to rest against the Slayer's shoulder.]

I know what you mean. I feel the same way about you. We'll help each other through this. It'll be okay.

[Faith leans into Willow's touch, hand tracing Willow's arm through her soft clothing. It's intimate, and close, and she doesn't want to let her go, because she's worried that if she does, things won't be okay. Not like they could be.]

...We really made a mess, huh. [She chuckles, it's humorless, and miserable, but it's soft. She'd do it again, she thinks, even despite it all, it was nice to have Willow to herself like that. It feels awful in retrospect, the guilt gnawing at her mind, but... even if she had to get tortured over it all over again, she liked some of it. Is this how it always feels? Is there anything in this world other than grief?

She doesn't even know where they stand anymore, but she knows they'll figure it out.]

Guess I should get to work on getting us matching reformed villain club shirts. If Angel ever shows up, we'll toss one his way too.

[Willow takes comfort in the gentle touches, the warmth of being tucked in against Faith's side. Everyone so far has been far kinder than she really thinks she deserves, and in a lot of ways, it's such a relief.]

Yeah. We did. I think... I don't know. I worry a lot of it's probably not stuff we can fix? Not really, anyway. But I think we need to try? And hey - [She manages a small smile] maybe the shirts will help, you know, really drive home the reformed part? And we'll be ready too. If Angel ever does show up.

Well. [Faith lets out a breathy laugh. It's barely a whisper, something only Willow can hear.] I'm sure fucking everything up in ways we can't just easily fix gets easier the second time.

I'll ask around - see if we can get them made. Maybe some coffee cups too. [She sighs.] ...Always kind of envied that he got the whole soulless excuse, y'know? Don't think it ever helped him feel better, but it made everyone else able to pretend that it wasn't all just him.

Still. I think we'll make it. [It's not a question, because as much as she's unsure about her place in this world - as much as she's doubting herself - she's seen the ugliness under Willow's skin. The visceral starved beast - so much like her own. And she knows that that monster is her, as much as the timid bookworm back at Sunnydale was. But she still looks at Willow and she doesn't see a bad person. She refuses to. So maybe there's still hope for the both of them.]

[It brings a soft chuckle from Willow on an exhale.]

Practice makes perfect, right?

[She thinks some of their friends might view it the same way as it had been with Angel. That under the influence of Corruption, they weren't themselves, not really, and that therefore their actions are more forgivable. She doesn't expect forgiveness from those they killed, though.]

Yeah. I think so, too. It's just, you know, gonna take some time. And maybe figuring out how to keep the corruption thing in check before it gets to that point again, but I mean, other people do it too, right? It's not like we're the first people this has ever happened to.

SOMETIMES THE ONLY ROAD YOU TAKE IS THE DARKEST || July Catch-All

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