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deercountry2021-10-08 06:14 pm
reddosmod) wrote in deercountry2021-10-08 06:14 pm
Entry tags:
- *event,
- abby anderson: c,
- anakin skywalker: michele,
- ange ushiromiya: jelle,
- anna amarande: celene,
- ariadne: wizera,
- catra: pink,
- childe: bean,
- diluc ragnvindr: samuel,
- faolan: teresa,
- fern: pan,
- flynn fairwind: teresa,
- goro akechi: kei,
- izuku "deku" midoriya: tea,
- kaeya alberich: daisy,
- katherine pierce: jade,
- kd6-3.7: moz,
- lance: charley,
- luke skywalker: skyla,
- lumine: trix,
- luna lovegood: cheryl,
- luz noceda: pedro,
- manabu yuuki: elle,
- mebh og mactire: oggy,
- nehan: ray,
- orpheus: qv,
- peter graham: jhey,
- ryan akagi: billie sue,
- savage opress: vette,
- soldier blue: elle,
- stiles stilinski: charley,
- the medicine seller: greenrivers,
- tsume: shade,
- usagi tsukino: jax,
- varian: tf,
- wanda maximoff: jade,
- wei wuxian: tohma,
- willow rosenberg: lucy,
- winter schnee: mesi,
- wu: mads,
- yuri lowell: mads
Because one day, I'll leave you a phantom
OCTOBER 2021 EVENT
IMAGE DESCRIPTORS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
Prompt One
[Image One: Band playing on moving float with people in masks walking behind.]
[Image Two: Woman in gas mask and elaborate ballgown.]
Prompt Two
[Image One: Man looking away while creepy corpse-like woman puts hand on window.]
[Image Two: Two contorted girls crawling across floor with blood flowing out.]
Prompt Three
[Image One: Headless horseman with jack-o-lantern rearing on horse.]
[Image Two: Annabelle doll rocking on its own in chair.]
WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE
LONELINESS KILLS: THE CURSE OF CLOVERFIELD
LEGENDS OF TRENCH
CODINGPrompt One
[Image One: Band playing on moving float with people in masks walking behind.]
[Image Two: Woman in gas mask and elaborate ballgown.]
Prompt Two
[Image One: Man looking away while creepy corpse-like woman puts hand on window.]
[Image Two: Two contorted girls crawling across floor with blood flowing out.]
Prompt Three
[Image One: Headless horseman with jack-o-lantern rearing on horse.]
[Image Two: Annabelle doll rocking on its own in chair.]
WHEN: During the daytime every day of October
WHERE: Throughout the streets of Cellar Door and Willful Machine.
CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A
WHERE: Throughout the streets of Cellar Door and Willful Machine.
CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A
The Black Parade has begun in Trench. You will begin to see residents painting skulls and monsters onto their faces, even the ones who abide by practical lifestyles. By the first week of October, you won't see a single resident of Trench without facepaint or a mask of some kind obscuring their face.
"It's for the Black Parade," they say, "It's to keep us safe. You should start painting your face too. You should disguise yourself so they can't find you."
Who, you might ask? Anyone dangerous. It's vague and unsettling, but you think maybe they are onto something. Call it intuition or basic common sense. Stalls pop up all around Trench selling cheap masks and costumes. They aren't exactly Halloween costumes. There's less of a focus on becoming something and more of a focus on looking different than you currently do.
Then the Black Parade really takes off. Black and white confetti seem to fall from the sky and you can hear the distant sound of trumpets and drums. You can feel the earth give small tremors and Trenchies begin to flock to Cellar Door and the Willful Machine. They line the streets and you can see why: a literal parade is coming through. Stages are set with talented musicians rocking out, singing into wireless, floating moonlit mics. Incredible, giant puppets walk through the streets guided by a dozen talented Architects. Other people move about in stilted costumes, elaborate gowns. Some performers set up small, stationary areas to perform for smaller crowds. The sky is filled with massive and unusual kites. Find one among the many stalls or make your own!
Stalls hand out candied applies, foil-wrapped candies, and roasted pumpkin seeds by the bundles. Hot ciders are kept in barrels ready to be served up in tin mugs, with or without alcohol. It's a festive atmosphere that seems to go nonstop 24/7 throughout October but exclusively in these areas. It's a good place to go to avoid some of the haunts of October and to have a good time. Why not get involved? Make your own puppet, float, or costumes, and join in the fun. Chunks of the road are reserved for parades, but others have been sectioned off for people to dance and mingle about. You quickly learn that face-paint and masked/concealed faces seem to be a good way of avoiding the attention of beasts, angry Pthumerians, and other unusual creatures in Trench.
It's not a foolproof method, but October largely celebrates the safety of ambiguity and is one of the few times the practical and pleasure factions get along. Get your face painted up or pick out a costume - it's both aesthetic and life-saving! The Black Parade is held annually every October all October long and is considered a significant Trench holiday. Many people refer to the costumes specifically as "Black Parade" costumes and sentiments commonly exchanged at this time include: Have a blessed and safe Blood Moon; May your Seasons pass unseen; Bless the many faces of cleverness; May you go unseen by the blood; Blessed Black Parade.
QUICK FACTS
1. Halloween costumes you can buy at the store won't be available unless a character intentionally makes one. Most of the costumes in Trench are more or less eccentric make-up looks and unusual masks. They look a lot more like Cirque du Soleil costumes than Halloween costumes.
2. Characters can have multiple costume/face-paint/mask changes throughout the month. No one will be forced into these - but it is strongly, culturally encouraged for everyone's safety to dress up!
"It's for the Black Parade," they say, "It's to keep us safe. You should start painting your face too. You should disguise yourself so they can't find you."
Who, you might ask? Anyone dangerous. It's vague and unsettling, but you think maybe they are onto something. Call it intuition or basic common sense. Stalls pop up all around Trench selling cheap masks and costumes. They aren't exactly Halloween costumes. There's less of a focus on becoming something and more of a focus on looking different than you currently do.
Then the Black Parade really takes off. Black and white confetti seem to fall from the sky and you can hear the distant sound of trumpets and drums. You can feel the earth give small tremors and Trenchies begin to flock to Cellar Door and the Willful Machine. They line the streets and you can see why: a literal parade is coming through. Stages are set with talented musicians rocking out, singing into wireless, floating moonlit mics. Incredible, giant puppets walk through the streets guided by a dozen talented Architects. Other people move about in stilted costumes, elaborate gowns. Some performers set up small, stationary areas to perform for smaller crowds. The sky is filled with massive and unusual kites. Find one among the many stalls or make your own!
Stalls hand out candied applies, foil-wrapped candies, and roasted pumpkin seeds by the bundles. Hot ciders are kept in barrels ready to be served up in tin mugs, with or without alcohol. It's a festive atmosphere that seems to go nonstop 24/7 throughout October but exclusively in these areas. It's a good place to go to avoid some of the haunts of October and to have a good time. Why not get involved? Make your own puppet, float, or costumes, and join in the fun. Chunks of the road are reserved for parades, but others have been sectioned off for people to dance and mingle about. You quickly learn that face-paint and masked/concealed faces seem to be a good way of avoiding the attention of beasts, angry Pthumerians, and other unusual creatures in Trench.
It's not a foolproof method, but October largely celebrates the safety of ambiguity and is one of the few times the practical and pleasure factions get along. Get your face painted up or pick out a costume - it's both aesthetic and life-saving! The Black Parade is held annually every October all October long and is considered a significant Trench holiday. Many people refer to the costumes specifically as "Black Parade" costumes and sentiments commonly exchanged at this time include: Have a blessed and safe Blood Moon; May your Seasons pass unseen; Bless the many faces of cleverness; May you go unseen by the blood; Blessed Black Parade.
QUICK FACTS
1. Halloween costumes you can buy at the store won't be available unless a character intentionally makes one. Most of the costumes in Trench are more or less eccentric make-up looks and unusual masks. They look a lot more like Cirque du Soleil costumes than Halloween costumes.
2. Characters can have multiple costume/face-paint/mask changes throughout the month. No one will be forced into these - but it is strongly, culturally encouraged for everyone's safety to dress up!
WHEN: October
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Psychological-based curse, feelings of intense loneliness, mental health.
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Psychological-based curse, feelings of intense loneliness, mental health.
It is said that the Blood Moon reminds Cloverfield of those he has lost over the decades. They say that the howling wind is actually the sound of Cloverfield's cries and there seems to be some truth to that. He can be seen wandering the Farther Shores and watching the moon. If you seek out Cloverfield and offer him comfort and companionship, he will bless you with a worn picture of a loved one or someone you miss desperately or even just a place you miss...Even if it's impossible for such a picture to exist.
Of course, not everyone will visit Cloverfield. Cloverfield's loneliness begins to curse the city of Trench. Sleepers will be impacted the most heavily as their blood will directly react to this curse. Sleepers who have a good sense of relationship may be able to avoid the curse, but those who often feel lonely or homesick will start to feel worse and worse as the days go by.
Eventually, their loneliness begins to manifest as a corpse-like version of themselves or the person they care about most. This corpse follows them around everywhere like a shadow. You won't notice your own Loneliness, but other people might, especially palebloods, Night Walkers, and Disciples. These corpses don't seem to care about anything or anyone and at first don't seem violent...But eventually, this Loneliness becomes consuming.
Once it does, you too will contort, and you and your Loneliness will soon be crawling about on all fours, blood floating out of you in thin streams. You'll be lost to your feelings of loneliness, stalking the streets with your Loneliness, looking for companionship. Of course, you're completely corrupt at this point, so your version of finding companionship most likely involves accidentally suffocating someone or other violent actions. Some people may never become violent once they are in the Final Stage, but the blood constantly flowing from them will create heavy blood pollution and may draw in far more dangerous creatures. You really don't want Lonely People walking around!
Better start some conversations - even if these Lonely People are creepy as hell. But, then again, they are just lonely. Hopefully, you will find peace of mind and find your people. Hopefully, you will banish loneliness...For the time being.
QUICK FACTS
1. This curse will impact people who are more isolated than others. Interaction with other people or animals will alleviate the curse and may completely stop it for some.
2. You can stop the curse at the corpse stage by confronting a Sleeper and opening up an emotional conversation about their loneliness. This may not always work, but the more the conversation works for the Sleeper, the more effective. The corpse will fleck away once the curse has been reversed.
3. Curses can continue to come back throughout October, but once you've experienced it once, it's less likely to occur again.
4. The Final Stage of the curse is the hardest to stop and most of the time, it's easiest to just kill the Cursed. It's easier to kill them than talk them out of their loneliness, but it is not impossible to talk them out of it. It requires dedication, patience, and some serious cleverness on how to survive a monster trying to kill you at the same time.
5. Loneliness can be widely interpreted once in the Final Stage. People should generally still look like themselves. How people act in this stage can vary from character to character and should be centric to how characters deal with their loneliness in general. If they're prone to shutting people out, then maybe their Loneliness is aloof and distant. If they're prone to clinging to toxic people, then maybe their Loneliness is accidentally violent. It's open to interpretation.
Of course, not everyone will visit Cloverfield. Cloverfield's loneliness begins to curse the city of Trench. Sleepers will be impacted the most heavily as their blood will directly react to this curse. Sleepers who have a good sense of relationship may be able to avoid the curse, but those who often feel lonely or homesick will start to feel worse and worse as the days go by.
Eventually, their loneliness begins to manifest as a corpse-like version of themselves or the person they care about most. This corpse follows them around everywhere like a shadow. You won't notice your own Loneliness, but other people might, especially palebloods, Night Walkers, and Disciples. These corpses don't seem to care about anything or anyone and at first don't seem violent...But eventually, this Loneliness becomes consuming.
Once it does, you too will contort, and you and your Loneliness will soon be crawling about on all fours, blood floating out of you in thin streams. You'll be lost to your feelings of loneliness, stalking the streets with your Loneliness, looking for companionship. Of course, you're completely corrupt at this point, so your version of finding companionship most likely involves accidentally suffocating someone or other violent actions. Some people may never become violent once they are in the Final Stage, but the blood constantly flowing from them will create heavy blood pollution and may draw in far more dangerous creatures. You really don't want Lonely People walking around!
Better start some conversations - even if these Lonely People are creepy as hell. But, then again, they are just lonely. Hopefully, you will find peace of mind and find your people. Hopefully, you will banish loneliness...For the time being.
QUICK FACTS
1. This curse will impact people who are more isolated than others. Interaction with other people or animals will alleviate the curse and may completely stop it for some.
2. You can stop the curse at the corpse stage by confronting a Sleeper and opening up an emotional conversation about their loneliness. This may not always work, but the more the conversation works for the Sleeper, the more effective. The corpse will fleck away once the curse has been reversed.
3. Curses can continue to come back throughout October, but once you've experienced it once, it's less likely to occur again.
4. The Final Stage of the curse is the hardest to stop and most of the time, it's easiest to just kill the Cursed. It's easier to kill them than talk them out of their loneliness, but it is not impossible to talk them out of it. It requires dedication, patience, and some serious cleverness on how to survive a monster trying to kill you at the same time.
5. Loneliness can be widely interpreted once in the Final Stage. People should generally still look like themselves. How people act in this stage can vary from character to character and should be centric to how characters deal with their loneliness in general. If they're prone to shutting people out, then maybe their Loneliness is aloof and distant. If they're prone to clinging to toxic people, then maybe their Loneliness is accidentally violent. It's open to interpretation.
WHEN: All October
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Ghosts, Themes of death.
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Ghosts, Themes of death.
Unfortunately, not everyone can gain control of their loneliness. As blood is spilled throughout Trench over loneliness, this blood pollution festers and begins to claim poor souls. Corruption leads way to beasthood and people lost to this find themselves transforming into familiar, legendary ghost stories of old-world lore. These Legendary Ghosts come out primarily at night. As the Black Parade established, anyone who keeps their faces disguised with make-up or masks will be completely safe from the Legendary Ghosts. Though if you go after a Legendary Ghost in a costume, you'll only be safe until you attack them. It's not a bad move for a sneak attack though!
...But those who forgot to dress up or felt like such superstitions wouldn't work...
Congratulations, you might come across the path of a Dullahan: a headless horseman carrying a whip made from a spinal cord, ready to throw basins of blood on you and draw in other beasts. Or maybe you encounter a far more subtle Legendary Ghost. Maybe you see a hitchhiker on the side of the road and decide to give them a ride, but when you look in your rearview mirror, they are no longer in your backseat. While most of these Legendary Ghosts are intending to harm you and spread more blood pollution, some just seem to be genuinely lost souls, lost to corruption, lost to their own failures and loneliness. In some cases, freeing them is protecting yourself and others, but in other cases, freeing them is just simple kindness.
You may meet a ghost bride who is waiting eternally for her wedding by one of the shrines in Cassandra. Maybe you meet a ghostly scholar at the Archives in Gaze. The spirits range widely and seem to haunt every corner of Trench - including your own homes. The only real way to deter a Legendary Ghost from your home is by heavily decorating your home with things like jack-o-lanterns, fake blood splatters, fake gravestones, and various other death-centric decor. This seems to repel Legendary Ghosts as they see it as a reminder of their own fate. Some are angered by the decorations while others are terrified by them and seem incapable of telling the difference between real blood and fake blood.
QUICK FACTS
1. These corrupt souls can be saved through blood rituals/magic/ghost banishings relying on blood artifacts. This will usually put the soul to rest - it will not bring people "back to life."
2. While it is mostly Trenchies turning into these beings, Sleepers can also be transformed into Legendary Ghosts. We provide a general outline, but the idea is that people are turning into legendary ghost stories so you can play with your own ideas/canons.
While Trenchies cannot be saved, we leave it up to you if a Sleeper could be brought back to themselves or if they will have to "die" to be cured of their Legendary Ghost status.
3. You can use famous Legendary Ghosts from around the world. We gave a few examples, but have fun with this! The Legendary Ghost-like creature you go with should generally be "ghost-like" / have to do with death specifically. They do not need to be exclusively evil/violent spirits, but many are.
...But those who forgot to dress up or felt like such superstitions wouldn't work...
Congratulations, you might come across the path of a Dullahan: a headless horseman carrying a whip made from a spinal cord, ready to throw basins of blood on you and draw in other beasts. Or maybe you encounter a far more subtle Legendary Ghost. Maybe you see a hitchhiker on the side of the road and decide to give them a ride, but when you look in your rearview mirror, they are no longer in your backseat. While most of these Legendary Ghosts are intending to harm you and spread more blood pollution, some just seem to be genuinely lost souls, lost to corruption, lost to their own failures and loneliness. In some cases, freeing them is protecting yourself and others, but in other cases, freeing them is just simple kindness.
You may meet a ghost bride who is waiting eternally for her wedding by one of the shrines in Cassandra. Maybe you meet a ghostly scholar at the Archives in Gaze. The spirits range widely and seem to haunt every corner of Trench - including your own homes. The only real way to deter a Legendary Ghost from your home is by heavily decorating your home with things like jack-o-lanterns, fake blood splatters, fake gravestones, and various other death-centric decor. This seems to repel Legendary Ghosts as they see it as a reminder of their own fate. Some are angered by the decorations while others are terrified by them and seem incapable of telling the difference between real blood and fake blood.
QUICK FACTS
1. These corrupt souls can be saved through blood rituals/magic/ghost banishings relying on blood artifacts. This will usually put the soul to rest - it will not bring people "back to life."
2. While it is mostly Trenchies turning into these beings, Sleepers can also be transformed into Legendary Ghosts. We provide a general outline, but the idea is that people are turning into legendary ghost stories so you can play with your own ideas/canons.
While Trenchies cannot be saved, we leave it up to you if a Sleeper could be brought back to themselves or if they will have to "die" to be cured of their Legendary Ghost status.
3. You can use famous Legendary Ghosts from around the world. We gave a few examples, but have fun with this! The Legendary Ghost-like creature you go with should generally be "ghost-like" / have to do with death specifically. They do not need to be exclusively evil/violent spirits, but many are.
no subject
He listens to what she has to say, his heart wrenching tight and uncomfortable in his chest. She's been suffering so much, and he didn't realise it. Or...he didn't realise the extent of it. His breath catches for just a moment, before he surges forward, pulling her into a tight hug- all thoughts of taking his carefully thrown well and truly out of the window.
"You don't have to hide it," he says it quietly, fiercely. "You're allowed to feel like that you know? It's... it not selfish or wrong. He's- I mean, he's your soulmate, right? That's- that what you said about him. Why wouldn't it feel awful if he wasn't here? But... but you shouldn't keep all that to yourself."
no subject
Though they knew.
Because of course, they knew.
And that was back home.
Here?
She couldn't text or call or keep track of what time it was in America where he'd be or Japan, in this case.
She had hundreds of letters.
All of them, unsent.
But she never said anything.
Because who wanted to hear "Hey, just so you know, I miss Mamoru again today... you know, like always," over and over.
So for all her not needing to hide it, she knew she couldn't share the chasm in her chest like Varian so desperately wished of her. Her fingers curled into his clothes.
"He is my soulmate, but he'd never want for me to be so deeply unhappy. He wouldn't want me to keep focusing more and more on his absence and only think about what I'm missing. So I try. I try to think that we'll be reunited again, in some way."
no subject
...Except he's standing on the other side of this, watching someone he loves so very much hurting and hating every living second of it. This is definitely one of those do as he says, not as he does moments of this. He hugs her a little tighter.
"Well. That's- that's the idea of this place, right? Everyone gets here eventually- that's what the locals seem to think?" this was the last stop for...well, everyone- they just got here sooner. "But...but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to miss him? And... and talk to people about it? I love you and I don't want to see you in pain if I can do something to make that...less awful."
no subject
She already dealt with this once... of course, she was dead and swirling about in the Galaxy Cauldron waiting to be reborn in between all that waiting. But they had promised each other, even if it took thousands of years, they'd find each other. She could do this.
It was fine.
She'd be able to do this.
"I do miss him, I miss him every day. There are so many things I want to tell him, share with him. I write have all these unsent letters." she wiped her eyes. "I don't know how to share it. I don't think I even SHOULD." She looked up at the corpse of Mamoru and blinked as she watched him seem to be... a bit transparent? Was he always that fade?
no subject
"Of course you should. We- Usagi, none of us can do any of this alone. Would you let me do this if our situations were reversed?" they both know the answer to that one. "Maybe you can... I don't know, metaphorically send out the letters? Maybe put them in the ocean or burn them or something?"
CW: Suicide, minor body horror
"Maybe... the ocean. Yes. I'd like that. I've always... I've always thought his eyes were as blue as Earth's ocean. Deep and endless and able to be dived into, without ever needing to come up for air. Did I ever tell you how we first met?"
She had never told Varian this story, but for some reason, it felt important to tell this tale.
"It was what made me fall in love with Earth while watching over her with my mother. Her deep oceans and real plants, her breezes and clouds, and her endless animals. Everything about Earth was real unlike the moon's artificial waters, breezes, and plants. I stole away to Earth to see her nature, to watch her people up close instead of guarding them from afar like my duty demanded..." she closed her eyes.
"And then, I saw him one day while sneaking off to Earth. The prince of Earth. I fell in love almost immediately, I had never seen anyone so handsome. I thought I was being so secretive," she smiled at the memory, of watching him from afar only for him to constantly glance her way. "He fell in love with me too. We'd meet again and again and again, each meeting more passionate than the next. But it was forbidden, Lunarians and Earthlings weren't ever supposed to meet, never mind fall in love. It was against the laws of nature. But we did... it was a part of our undoing."
She watched as he faded more and more and more. Tears fell from her eyes as she did.
"A war broke out between Earth and the Moon. They were led by Queen Metallia, a demon from the sun who wanted my mother's power." Now it was Varian's turn to understand why Usagi had issues with everyone hating the moon and liking the sun so much. "Metallia twisted the humans minds, she had Beryl guide and lead them, she had his Generals turned against him. But it was my side and my people he ran to. The other planets came to our aid, but... none of us were a match against the sheer numbers of humans and the anger and hatred Metallia fed into their minds and bodies."
Mamoru became more and more transparent, slowly transforming from a body to a skeleton, becoming more worn and thin and decaying ever slower, only his eyes remained the same.
"He died protecting me. Everyone around me was dead and dying. My kingdom had crumbled and millions upon millions were dead on all sides. And in my sorrow... I took my own life. I thought, if we couldn't be together in life, I would join him in death. My mother, who controlled the crystal at the time, used the last of her power to seal away Metallia and to grant all of us a chance to be reborn, to try... to try again with a new life, a chance at happiness. I was reborn as a human... and I found him. We found one another once more and fell in love not as Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion, but as Usagi and Mamoru."
She let out a sob as he was gone, completely, nothing left, not even his eyes. Only a memory remained.
no subject
Neither of them will ever be good at that, he thinks. He shakes his head at her question, no she hadn't told him that. And as she talks he listens, not interrupting her, rapt at what she has to tell him. It's one hell of a story, genuine star-crossed lovers- found each other and torn apart by circumstance. It's...comforting to know they found one another in their reborn lives, but it doesn't negate all the pain and suffering they went through to get there.
Speaking of...
"I can see why you get so upset about the whole... Moonstone and Sundrop thing I dealt with back home."
And the issues that surfaced because of that. He knows now that it's more nuanced than he originally thought. That it wasn't really the Moonstone that damaged Cassandra so badly. That it was Zhan Tiri, pushing and pulling her in the directions she wanted. He exhales softly, before smiling at her, encouraging.
"You know you've helped me deal with that a lot better," he's always going to have a soft spot for the sun, because that's Rapunzel, that's his HOME - Corona is always going to be the Kingdom of the Sun as much as the Dark Kingdom will always be the Kingdom of the Moon.... but he supposes he's kind of from both. "I'm sorry if I ever made it harder for you."
He exhales softly, right.
"I'm really glad you found each other again. You weren't kidding, you really are soulmates, huh?"
no subject
"Well... it didn't help, no. Can't say I was a big fan of everyone hating the moon every single time I brought it up," she whispered, smiling sadly and looking up at the sky. That had been a... sticking point in her insanity, that people feared the moon and loved the sun even though they did so much damage.
At his apology, she paused and looked at him. She smiled sadly and nodded.
"Thank you, Varian," and she meant it. She understood his trauma, it wasn't like she could make that disappear and convince him that the moon was good and great and awesome. She knew WHY he didn't like it. It wasn't an insult ABOUT her, she took it that way, sure, but it wasn't like Varian had ever hated HER, she just... well, she had a bad habit of taking things personally.
"We are... and... we'll come together again. We always do. I just... have to be better at being patient. Even if that's several millennia."
Which was a fucking terrible feeling but one she would maintain.
no subject
He waves his hands around to try and quantify her for the moments she tried to murder the hell out of them. That hadn't helped him, either. His feelings for the moon were absolutely never directed at Usagi. She's one of the last people he'd ever want to actually hurt.
"...I'll try to be better. With the moon stuff."
He can't make promises things will get better immediately- but he can offer to try at least. He frowns softly- because this is...awful. He couldn't imagine being torn away from Fern for so long.
"I'm sorry. I wish there was a way we could get him here for you, but the portals...hah, didn't work so well last time."
no subject
"Thank you. I'll try... not to take it personally, I know it's not directed at me. No one has ever been mad at me except... during the rampage, but no one has ever blamed me or Sailor Moon. I guess... I just took it on to myself anyway."
She was a sensitive sort, sometimes overly so.
"There's... nothing to be done about it. He is not here, there is no way to reach him. And I will... merely have to wait." At the mention of the portals, the corners of her lips lifted a small amount. "Well, hopefully, no one will attempt it again, certainly not a demon who tries to turn on everyone for his own selfish reasons. But... I will deal with those who would. I have you and so many others I love to protect."
And that's why she stayed, why she chose, for now, this world. She had people she loved here as much as she loved back home. Those people could not take the place of the people here, and the people here could not replace those back home, but both were equally important.
no subject
And that's something Varian is deeply familiar with. He didn't pick which was more important in his heart- between here and home. But he did know the people here needed him...so much more than the people back home did. Corona is fine now, Corona will survive and endure. But the people he has here? They might not. Usagi might not. Fern certainly wouldn't.
...And if he were honest with himself, a selfish part of him doesn't want to live without the other boy, either. It was why they'd tried to get Fern home with him. That didn't work, so here they were.
"Well. I'm always here to listen if you need that. While... while you wait? Please don't carry it all inside that... that sounds like too much for anyone to cart around with them."
no subject
She supposed it would be nice to have better reassurance, to have that sense that she was more needed here than back home. But how can anyone need you more than your husband? Than your child? Than your planet?
She wasn't sure she that was possible. For as often as she kept being told "your future is unwritten and endless possibilities," everyone kept making damn sure she repeated the things she was supposed to for Chibiusa and Crystal Tokyo.
"You might get sick of it," she whispered, letting her fear about opening up and becoming a burden be known. Varian had not made his feelings about what she did for Maul a secret.
She did not want to be thought of as the same, that she was pushing the limits of their relationship, burdening it to the point that Varian would begin to pull away.
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It's said solidly and firmly- the tone he gets when he's absolutely digging his heel in nothing on this world or any other was going to budge him.
"Usagi... look, even if it gets a lot, I don't care. You do... you do so much for everyone here- and that's a conversation we've already had," how much she puts on her shoulders for other people. "Other people are allowed to look after you too, and you should let us."
He squeezes her arm gently.
"So...so let me do this for you, okay? I can deal with it, you obviously can't deal with it on your own- not without it hurting you more."
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The girls asked her to share with them, too. Why was it so hard to let them? To let Varian?
Her fingers curled.
"I..." she nods, closing her eyes. "I will... try. I... can't promise I'll be very good at it. I... I've always tried to be so strong for everyone."
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For relenting that far. For not making a promise to him that she doesn't know she can 100% keep. He hesitates a moment, before leaning in to give her a hug- firm, not going anywhere.
"You don't... you don't have to be strong for me, you know that, right? And I'll...I'll try to catch it sooner. Know when you need help."
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She took a deep breath.
"But I think... to be completely," another breath "100% honest... this sadness, this... loneliness..." she gestured to where Mamoru had been. "That's never going to go away, Vivi." Her breath caught.
"It... can't. He can't. A part of me is always going to miss him because he is a part of me. The only way I could stop missing him is by forgetting him, and I think that would break me so much more, forgetting him all over again. Some days the sadness is less, I can go days or weeks without thinking about him. But then I'll see a red rose, or I'll smell someone wearing a cologne just like his, and I'm paralyzed where I stand because all I can think about is how he's NOT here and I chose that."
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That's a pretty...all-encompassing response to what she has to say. He knows it won't be something that's ever going to go away. He's lost too many people of his own to be naive enough to believe that anymore. It's not that he doesn't wish it for her, of course, he does, but he knows it wouldn't happen.
"It's fine. That you keep missing him? And that...that thing you see remind you of him? That's normal. I'd...I'd be worried about you if that didn't happen."
Because that would mean she'd be keeping her emotions bottled up to even worse degrees than she is already. He doesn't want that for her- she keeps too much to herself as is. He squeezes her a little tighter.
"And when you need someone to talk to about feeling like that...just let me know, okay? I- I chose here too and I do understand how bad that guilt can feel. I mean...I don't regret it, but I do understand it. You're not alone in this, okay?"
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How was she supposed to be GLAD about blood and corpses and monsters and corruption all. the. fucking. time. compared to Earth and her friends and family.
"And it's not comforting to think some OTHER me is running around doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. It just makes me HATE myself more because I want to be her instead. I want to be here and there at the same time but I can't have both and sometimes I feel I chose wrong."
She wants to scream sometimes. "I tell myself that I will see them again, I will meet my loved ones again, that this is just a part of my journey. But everyone... everyone says THIS is forever. I don't want... I don't want to be IMMORTAL IN THIS HELL!" she finally screams out, miserable at the confession.
She hates that she's put this at Varian's feet because this was ultimately her choice, above all else, she picked this.
And she absolutely hated that she did.
Because it didn't feel like she was going to go home again.
She felt like she was trapped and she had done this to herself.
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"Well, that's the choice you made and that's where you are now."
He's trying to keep his voice even- as much as he wants to comfort her, he's also not going to sugarcoat it. They're here. They chose to be here and it seems like that choice is permanent. He feels...well, it's not regret about leaving Corona behind. He misses the people he has there, absolutely, but he can't regret the choice that led him here. Not for a second. He worries if that says more about him than it does Usagi.
He moves his hand to brush lightly through her hair, trying to provide some comfort. That seems to help with Fern, so he hopes it does for her, too.
"I'm sorry, I know it's...gotta hurt a lot. I wish we could be able to jump between worlds, live the best of both of them. But Usagi...you can't hate yourself for the choice you made," he says it gently, but with resolve. "You did what you thought was best, and no one can judge you for that...not...not even yourself. And you...you didn't know it would be this. None of us knew it would be this we just...gambled with it. But that's...it's not something you can beat yourself up for. "
CW: mentions of past sexual assault
Or perhaps, she hadn't been selfish, she had been so incredibly foolish.
She had thought that she of all people could still go home. In everything else that she had achieved, in her constant, constant proof over and over and over and over again that she didn't ACTUALLY have a choice in her future, that everything was pre-destined and everyone was lying about how much the future wasn't set in stone, all she kept hearing, time and again was how much everything was going the way it was "supposed" to.
Which was honestly the most upsetting part.
It meant, potentially, on some level, she was going to be a shitty mom again. It meant that Death Phantom was going to show up again, and be a cult-leading genocidal maniac again. Except, rather than just KILLING him for his multiple crimes against humanity, because he's technically human, she was going to exile him and his cult to another planet again. Then they would get to become bitter and plan for attacking her and Earth again. Her daughter was going to get brainwashed again. Her past self was going to be kidnapped and sexually assaulted again. Mamoru was also going to be brainwashed and also sexually assaulted again, and that was just her 15-year-old self's little escapade.
Everything else kept repeating and maybe, on some level she hoped to stop the cycle by coming to Trench.
But maybe she also thought it was part of her journey and she would just go home.
Hell, maybe that's why she kept repeating her mistakes, she kept winding up here and some idiot doppelganger who didn't understand making new choices was now going to become Neo-Queen Serenity.
Who could say?
But she hated it.
She hated not having Mamoru and her family and her cat. She hated that she had picked here over Earth even if she had some of the girls. She wanted all of them, in her selfishness, in her gluttony for friendship, she wanted all of her loved ones, not just some of them.
At the mention that she couldn't even judge herself, she bit her tongue to keep from laughing in disdain.
Oh, watch her.
No one hated her more than she hated herself right now.
She had pushed and shoved and hidden away this bitterness, and it was trying, desperately to cause a deluge now that she had opened the valve on it just a bit.
But she tapped down even harder.
No one wanted to hear about her being upset with her bad choices. No one wanted to hear that she was unhappy because she willingly picked a shitty nightmare hell-hole. She was sure she would know what anyone would say. How could you be shocked, Usagi? How could you be surprised? They all hinted at it, didn't they? Moon Presence said she would try to protect them as best she could, well why the FUCK would she if wherever they were going was NICE?
How much of an idiot could she be?
If she doesn't show it, then no one ever has to know how ugly her heart is. How selfish she is. How much of a glutton for attention she is.
She just has to push it further down.
Until even she can pretend it doesn't exist.
And she's hurt Varian too, with this brief confession. She shouldn't have said anything. She realizes that now. Now he's always going to wonder, now he's always going to worry.
Usagi lets out a breath, trying to think what the right thing to say is. But she's a very emotive person. The shift is one she can't really prevent from being seen, she's not a skilled actress, not in that way.
So the change, is clear.
But she's laid enough at Varian's feet. She's hurt him enough today.
"It's just something I'll have to live with, I suppose."
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Something deep and unpleasant settles in the back of his mind, adding to what's already there- it's a feeling he hasn't let grow this loud for a while but grow it does. He should have seen this sooner. He should have helped her sooner. He can say he didn't notice Fern's plight through exhaustion and external forces, but he can't say the same here. Once is a mistake but twice? Twice is just being neglectful.
"Just because you have to live with it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be upset about it."
His voice wavers- he's noticed what she's doing and it's making his chest hurt tight and painful.
"You need to be able to talk about it, Usgai. You- you can't just keep this sort of thing to yourself. You...just let us help you. Please."
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She made bigger shows of being upset about little things so no one noticed when she was quiet about the bigger things.
And it wasn't that she didn't want their help, but how do you help with this? They can't go home, they can NEVER go home again, apparently. She would just go back to being a squid and she had messed up in such a spectacular fashion. Ignorance did not excuse what she had done.
She ran her tongue along her teeth and suddenly tasted milk-like copper on her tongue.
Wait, had she just cut her tongue? Much more carefully, she ran her tongue along her front teeth.
Oh...
Oh, they were fangs now.
She inhaled sharply.
She stares at the ground for a long moment, trying to figure out what to do. Should she say something? He just pleaded with her to let them help. To let others help her. She moved and pulled Varian into a hug, her fingers curling into his shirt, her eyes burning, her mouth filled with blood.
Usagi swallowed it, the cut would be small enough that she just needed to stay silent long enough, for just a moment, and it'd heal quickly. She looked up at the sky, taking deep breaths.
This was supposed to be a fun day.
This was supposed to be about being someone else.
Maybe she could be someone who allowed her loved ones to help her. When had she gotten so bad at letting them? When had she stopped saying anything? Why had she? She always went on about needing other people, about how they should all be there for one another.
Maybe she just didn't want to be a problem on top of all the other problems this place had. Wasn't it enough that Varian had had all that paranoia and the inability to sleep? Or how Makoto couldn't eat or drink without getting drunk or high? Wasn't it bad enough that anyone who was a Paleblood was getting headaches without being by someone? And then there had been the Bloodlust, or whatever the hell it was called, the rivers of regret where corpses were strewn. Usagi had been spared that but she knew it happened all the same.
It was just one thing after another after another. Just like Deerington.
And she didn't want to be a problem.
Or maybe, a much more base part of her was scared, that if she said anything, no one would care because there was so much going on.
'Oh, you're sad because you picked here instead of home, boohoo, get over it. You're here now, literally nothing you can do. You wanna add to everyone's problems with something YOU picked?'
But Varian's voice cuts through and she takes a deep breath. The milk taste is gone, her tongue must have healed enough that the bleeding stopped. She held his face with both of her hands and pressed their foreheads together.
"I'm sorry I keep making you so worried. I wish I understood why I'm so scared about being helped."
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Usagi takes hold of his head and for a split second, he almost pulls away. His shoulders tense like he's about to- but then he gives in, resting his head against hers, his eyes closing as he tries to fight back the flood of bad thoughts surging in his head.
"You...you know none of us are going to judge you for it right? We...we won't think lesser of you because you need help?"
Because that's definitely something that worries him. Not measuring up. Being lesser.
CW: Suicidal Ideation
She knew, to some degree, the root of the problem was the consistently high standards she held herself to. She was supposed to be some grand, elegant, sophisticated, calm, and wise queen, unperturbed by practically everything and anything.
Although... now that she was here... Well, she supposed she wasn't anything anymore.
She was back to being Usagi again. Serenity just... was also around, now.
This wasn't her Earth, this wasn't her moon. She was some stupid squid thing.
So what had all her sacrifices meant then? What had it all been for? Some OTHER Usagi was living her life now.
Maybe the new Usagi was going to be able to be the kind, elegant, sophisticated, calm, graceful queen everyone expected. Usagi knew she'd never be able to become that, not ha- not even in a thousand years. Maybe she was always meant to disappear, just like everything else kept happening, and the other Usagi took her place.
Maybe it was better for Earth that she did disappear.
Her vision blurred, again, and she felt tears falling down her cheeks and onto her hands. She was being such a crybaby.
"But... I don't know who I am anymore," she sobbed out, putting the back of her hand to her lips to try and keep her fangs hidden. "So much of my life... got tied up in what was revealed to me. And everyone had dreams outside of that except me. I only... I only ever kept getting ready for what I was supposed to become. But what am I supposed to become now?"
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But then, he's good at that on himself, too. Between them, they make one hell of a self-destructive pair. It's a good thing they did find each other, he realises. Because if nothing else, the other can always fight against the self-loathing the other feels. To constantly stand there and shout that they are wrong, that those feelings simply aren't a true reflection of the person feeling them. Not at all.
To make the other know at least one person felt like they deserved to keep existing.
He reaches out to grip her wrist, he doesn't pull it from her mouth, at least- the action is meant to be comforting, steadying, rather than trying to find out what she's hiding.
"You're supposed to be Usagi Tsukino," he says, steady despite how much this is breaking his heart in half. "You're supposed to be a... a kind, caring person who obnoxiously puts everyone else before herself even if she really needs to learn to look after herself sometimes, too. You're supposed to be clumsy and loud and sometimes a little bit overbearing. You're...you're supposed to be imperfect and make mistakes and just...just exist."
He lets out a slow, unsteady breath. He can see orange-yellow creeping into the periphery of his vision- the creaking sound of growing amber. He tries to shut it out.
"You're supposed to... to just be."
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