deercountry | nobody said it'd be an easy ride

[Saeri can't help the little moan she lets out when she takes another bite of the cookie. But it turns into a laugh when Vi talks about her full mouth. She can't help it. She's never had anyone compliment her eating habits before.

Well, back when she lived in California but being complimented you ate like a dainty little bird--because she was so ill and constantly one edge about what her brother might have done to her food--wasn't really a fucking compliment at all.]

Really? [She raises an eyebrow, swallows, and licks at her lips, wetting them. Because she's been so focused on more. On designing and planning and building and creating. Nothing had been enough. And yet somehow, all of that was fading the more time she was next to Vi. Not the need for more, but a different kind of more, maybe.] Been thinking a lot about my mouth, huh?

[She turns her body, barely any space between them, and holds what's left of the lemon cookie up towards Vi's mouth.]

What if I wanted to see yours in action?

[a quirk of her brow to acknowledge that 'really' with a look that clearly means yeah, really. in case the look isn't enough, she nods.

and then, the obvious choice. of course she is going to lean forward and just take the rest of that cookie with her teeth because it's going to be good (it is) and she's hungry and she's also already done the polite thing (so difficult) instead of just thinning out the herd and acting surprised at the paltry number of cookies in there.

and she's laughing as she chews, stops to swallow and says, with even less distance between them now:]

Then I guess you can cross that off your bucket list. Or was this not the "action" you were hoping for?

[licking a crumb from the corner of her lip, closing the distance even further a hand just coming to rest casually on saeri's knee as she tilts her head to the side and adds before she speaks lowly, her lips against the other girl's.]

Fuck yeah, I was thinking about it. Been thinking about kissing you for weeks now.

[and yes, it's true - she can't deny that even as her brain tries to pump the brakes - to remind her that this is a bad idea. it's a bad idea becau---

---kissing saeri is a good way to shut those thoughts up, she decides.]

[They are so close right now, she wonders if they could smell the lemon on each other's breath. Which is the least sexiest thing to think, but Saeri's always had trouble with those random thoughts. She's just great at keeping them to herself. No need to ruin the mood, when she has Vi right here, skin pressed against each other, her sight trailing down from Vi's gorgeous eyes to those lips as she licks crumbs away.

That tension that had existed between them since the moment they meant has twisted and turned and pulled so tight that she knows something is going to happen. There's no way things aren't going to happen. Should it be happening? Does Saeri want to keep waiting and wondering, seeing where the line is as if they haven't been standing on it since that day in Ursula's?]

Maybe we need less thinking and more doing.

[Because Saeri is tired of the doubts and fears and how it feels like they've been holding back while throwing themselves into it so recklessly at the same time. You can't do both, you can't be both, and her metal hair is going to twist right into Vi's hair as she removes what little distance there is left to slide their mouths together.

Shit, she's never kissed someone before like this. Why hasn't she done this before?]

[~~maybe~~ saeri is right. and good on her for making the first move. she's quicker on the draw than vi had expected - beating her by seconds. which: it's a one up she'll take gladly, and a bit recklessly, too.

(this shouldn't)

should. shouldn't. what even is that? she smiles into that kiss, the taste of lemon on her lips (her own? saeri's? could be either and it's not important but also it is) - the twist of metal fingers into her hair eliciting something electric - a sigh and a shiver and her own hand's gone from knee to hip and sliding up to graze saeri's ribcage - the other hand's on her shoulder before she realizes she's even moved.

(do not)

fuck yeah, this is happening. shut up, voice of reason. nobody wants to hear from you. least of all vi, who decides it is a perfectly reasonable gesture to nip at caitlyn's lip----

---woah, woah, woah. back the fuck up ....what?

she can't unthink it - can't unsee it even though her eyes have been open the whole time and she's looking at saeri - she hadn't been thinking about cait at all.

until she had.

and she freezes awkwardly, a strange, unfamiliar urge to bolt from the room - but all she does it break the kiss with held breath and a hiss of:]

I can't.

[She's taller, tall enough that she's twisting her body over Vi's as she pushes closer. She shivers at the hand against her ribs through her thin tank top. They are both so into this and something in Saeri is thudding like a fist against her chest and she realizes that's her own damn heart pounding like that.

There's a soft little moan from the feel of Vi's teeth on her lip, making her want to lean in even more instead of pull away--

--only for everything to abruptly shift, crashing into a halt as Vi stiffens and then pulls away. Saeri's eyes are wide, she takes in a deep gasp of air--breathing, who needs to breathe, not her, not when Vi is looking like that and everything that was so right suddenly shatters around them like a funhouse mirror that she'd thought was reality.

All she can hear is those words. I can't.]

Oh--what--shit. Fuck. [She backs off immediately. Backs off enough that she's not even on the couch anymore, jumping to her feet, brushing her hair back away yet again like it's nothing. There's a crooked smile on her face and a huff of not-quite-a-laugh in her throat.]

I got uh--carried away. Hot girls and cookies. My weakness. I should have asked, sorry.

[it's fast - but this had all been fast, not initially (well yes and no) but everything on this particular evening - no real reason to blame it on trench, or pthumerians - it's subtle in this way because these are feelings she'd already had - but where there's been closeness - it's immediate distance - and saeri's on her feet already feeling miles away from reaching - a defensiveness in her stance, a smile that's all self protection.]

No. No, it's not---

[vi recognizes this because it could just as easily been her. the 'it's nothing' gesture. the smile. the laugh that's meant to sound easy. coping mechanism recognizes coping mechanism. and she's on her feet reaching toward saeri's arm.]

---it's not you. You didn't do anything wrong. You ...no way, you didn't---

Fuck. I'm such an idiot.

[Nope, Saeri is not making the mistake of pushing that line again. It's so casual the way she blithely dodges Vi's touch as if completely unintentional in her movements to get herself another of those cookies. The perfect kind of shield.]

That makes two of us. [She takes a bite out of one of them with frosting, licking a bit off her lips. She doesn't look at Vi's mouth, doesn't think about she wishes she could feel her hair in her metal fingers, or how she feels like she's been in a car crash with how tight and bruised her chest feels, skin still tingling from hands touching her.]

We...just got a bit caught up, right? No need to make it into anything else if we don't want to.

[Did Saeri want to? Because Vi clearly didn't. And maybe that's all the answer she needs for that.]

Now grab another cookie before I eat all of them myself.

[that dodge, there. that's ...something. it's almost like nothing happened at all - it's just like nothing had happened at all and that's not what happened. at all.]

Caught up? Yeah, sure. Only no, not really, not at all, because I'm still over here feeling a whole bunch of ways I can't actually find the words for---

[if we don't want to. the hammer of those words finally striking, she does, in fact, find her words.]

That's the point! I'm afraid of what'll happen if I do make this into something. I'm afraid I'll make a mess. I wanted to. I want to? But I also know it's a really bad sign when I'm kissing you and suddenly there's Caitlyn in my head? Yeah, that's me needing to get my shit sorted.

[her arms are now crossed over her chest. eat all of the cookies, saeri. she bought them for you more than for herself.]

[If there is one thing that Saeri doesn't want to hear, it's that Vi thought about another girl when they were kissing. Saeri knows she does have any kind of experience in this, but she's pretty sure thinking about another person is the worst possible thing to happen when kissing someone.

Vi being taken, being foregone on someone else, it shouldn't hit her as much as it does. It's par the course, she should have expected it. She's pushing boundaries and Vi is dealing with missing someone she left behind. And Saeri is taking advantage of that. The fact they are both moving as if slinking back to their corners to lick wounds that shouldn't exist twists something in Saeri's stomach. At least Vi had the sense to step back and not let Saeri continue to fuck up. Maybe this isn't too far, maybe she can save this.]

No. [She rolls her shoulders and shakes her head. She lets the tension disappear, makes it vanish. Her body is lose, at ease.] You kissed me and it wasn't mean you were thinking about. And you did something about it. Your shit is more sorted than you think.

[Her heart already made a choice before Saeri even knew there was another option. No matter what Saeri feels.]

If I'm not the only one you're thinking about...then I'm not the one you're thinking about. That's fine with me. We're good.

[Could have been better. Could have been amazing. But could-have-beens are a very long chapter in the book of Saeri's life.]

[vi would not have blurted that out in ordinary circumstances. if one decides to take trench as an ordinary circumstance. but no, she would have held that back for later - another time. she feels like she's bulldozing her way through her words and her feelings in a way that's uncharacteristic even for her. still, she's unable to stop it.

unable to stop the sad, sick feeling, the awful drop in her stomach that had moments before been exhilarating - now it's just a gnawing ache.]

But it isn't. [it isn't sorted. it's still a big, messy pile of ...whatever this is, and she's trying to talk herself through it - trying to sort it now, even though maybe that's not right either?]

See? I wanted to just keep kissing you. And I could've. That would have been the easy part, cause that's what I wanted to do. That would have been shitty and selfish, and ...that would make everything else so much worse.

[she cups her hands, breathing into them, blinking away the phantom face, the memory of saeri's hand in her hair, that first brush of their lips when everything had been electric.]

It's not your fault I've got feelings over things that happened a few days before I washed up on squid beach! I don't even know what those feelings are, because that happened fast, too. Only nothing there really happened there either---

[...and likely wouldn't because there's about a 5% chance that council building had been unoccupied when jinx had blown it to smithereens. anyone inside could have been killed, injured - and one of those would have likely been cassandra kirraman. so yeah.]

---so how do we go from that to "we're good"? Really? You're good? You think we're good?

[This is so much worse than Saeri knows how to handle. Because she's trying to give Vi an out. A way to shake this off and move on like they both should do. But Vi doesn't know how to take an out. Doesn't surprise Saeri at all. She wouldn't have taken the out either. Who takes the easy way when you can rake nails over the chalkboard of your own heart instead?]

...Yeah. [She says it softly. Because they are. Aren't they? They have to be, don't they? She then tries to say it again, stronger.] Yeah. Because I don't need this. No matter how hot you are.

[She has to push that boundary again, to see where they stand, where Vi's going to let them fall. Saeri steps up to her, so close she could feel the heat from her, head tilted down to look her in the face if she were to look up at. Her hand trails over Vi's shoulder to her neck, her flesh hand this time, so she can feel her skin against her own.]

And you're really hot. And smart. And dumb. And reckless. And so fucking amazing. But I know--[know not to expect anything. She cuts that. Switches quickly.]--that being your friend is just as good for me. Because it is.

[Because it's all she's ever gotten. And she not pathetic enough to cry about it. It's life. Vi doesn't deserve her drama on top of her own confused feelings. Get a grip, Saeri.]

Don't feel guilty for not being ready to move on from something stolen from you.

[she lets out a little exhale at saeri's yeah. it's what she wanted to hear, but it also hurts. and that shows in her face because there's no stopping this train now that it's off its tracks. all aboard the unguarded feelings express, population vi. (and room for one more.)

no. you don't need this. nobody needs this. i'm a mess..

but then saeri closes that fucking distance again, and it's skin on skin as she draws a breath, pauses to say something she doesn't manage to get out because all of this and she does look up it's the word smart that gets her - though the rest tease another breath and the start of a word, the threat of tears pricking at the backs of those eyes, but she doesn't break the contact. fuck it, that's a tear. it's fine. saeri can see this, saeri is safe, even if everything about this feels ...terrible. and relieving? and ...another sigh as she stands there dumbly for a moment, just looking before covering saeri's hand with her own.

was anything stolen? she'll never know, will she? and no, she can't take the out. maybe some other day, but definitely not now, and definitely not with that little sea thing in her pocket. not that she even acknowledges it in the moment. in fact, she'll be grateful for this later.]

I don't feel...okay, I do feel guilty. I feel stupid, too. Because how the fuck do I sort out feelings from ...back there that just...

[sigh]

Look. I was shut down for a long time, and then the first time someone shows me real kindness...

...I'm not saying there was nothing there, and that it wasn't a big deal because it was a big deal. It was huge. Cait went out on a limb for me when she didn't have any real reason to trust me anymore than I had any reason to trust her. Fuck, maybe I had even less reason. Maybe she did. Maybe it's not a contest, and I should just stop trying to even figure out the why of any of it. It's not like...

...it'll be there anymore anyway. [likely not after what pow---what jinx had done.]

I know that I still have feelings, and that it's been a real pain in the ass even trying to figure out what they are, let alone why. And the old me probably would have ignored all that and just gone for it. Because look at you. And I don't mean [a little up and down glance, through shining eyes, wet blinking lashes.] all of this.

I mean ...this [she will very slowly move her hand, reaching up to press a finger against saeri's temple] ...and this. [now it's at saeri's heart, and it taps there in tune with vi's own heartbeat: fast.]

Yeah, old me would have been like 'woo hoo' and just not even looked back, or forward. Or thought about how we have to work together, not just have to but like to. And how shitty that would be to mess up. How much of a bummer it would be if we couldn't hang out anymore because I pulled you into more mess.

You have enough mess. Trench has enough mess.

I'm not going to throw away a friendship for a hookup. Especially if I can't follow through and be sure...

[she stops, breathes, looks down. that ...was a lot of words. oh well, no takebacks. she meant them, so what else is there to do.]

...maybe I should go?

[There so close to each other and maybe that was a stupid choice to make because that pull is still there even with the tension and kneejerk need to run that Saeri feels inside her. Because this is open and real and honest and she doesn't know how to handle that. How to give Vi that in a way that matters. How can she take this and not give it in return? Because she can't. Not like this. She rarely lies and doesn't bullshit when she can be straightforward. Except about this.

It leaves her feeling like that first time, when she told a Mitsuki she liked her and she told her that Sarona wasn't "her type" but they could be friends, in that oh so sweet and sincere way that was trying to let her down gently. Because Sarona wasn't anyone's type. She knew that enough. Always known that. People didn't pick her when they already had options and other people more than worth their effort.

Her heart races, and maybe Vi can feel it. Maybe she can feel all that scar tissue beneath her shirt right over her heart.

Because here was Vi telling her she was worth it. Just maybe not for her. Not right now. Not like this.

Saeri could accept that. She's accepted far worse.

But she's also afraid. Because what if accepting isn't enough? What if she already pushed too far and Vi is stepping away because she can't deal with knowing how Saeri feels like this? What if she hasn't been convincing enough that she's okay with them no taking this any further? Does that mean it all just--stops? Will everything fall apart anyway?

But that's not Saeri's choice to make.]

If you'd feel better leaving, do what you gotta do. But...I still have this box of cookies here that someone so kindly provided. If someone was cool sitting with their friend--doing that binging and talking shit thing friends are supposed to do.

[it would be easy to bolt - to just not deal, but that's at odds with what she does want - and for a moment she's overwhelmed at the prospect of having to make this decision. so she does what her heart tells her and heads for the door, doubling back to grab her bag and doubling (tripling?) back again to set it right back down and plant her ass on the sofa.]

I might feel better if I left ...for about thirty seconds, until I felt way worse, because this? This awkward right now? This is the part where I put my big girl pants on and I don't bail on my friends.

Why is it that I can start a fistfight with a murderhorse, but oh no, feelings, and I'm halfway out the door blaming myself for some shit I didn't even do yet?

[vi is going to lean forward and grab a cookie - no, make that two cookies, even if only just to stop herself from saying anything else.]

[Oh the ice, the fire, the burning cold of resignation, for the moments of watching Vi walk toward the door. Of thinking she was going to do exactly what she should be doing, walking away so as to not deal with whatever bullshit Saeri could dump on her, so she doesn't have to feel the pressing expectation of their whatever-this-is by staying--

--But she doesn't leave.

And that knotted chunk of anxiety in Saeri's stomach calms down. A little. She's not sure what is going on anymore. Her face may be a mask of careful acceptance, but inside Saeri might just be losing it. Because Vi doesn't leave.

Saeri might be staring too much. So she grabs a cookie and plops herself right back down. Only there's space between them this time on the couch. Yeah, this is so fucking awkward. But she wouldn't trade it. Bites one of the tips off the sugar star.]

Feelings are horrible lets agree to never talk about them again. I'd rather get chucked back into the wastelands.

[violet laughs at this, through a mouthful of cookies, casting her eyes away for just a moment because that gaze is a lot. it's all at once anxious and hopeful and relieved and maybe just fine, but vi also knows that half the time "fine" is just a code for bullshit.]

Never ever?

[she can't do that, but she can grab another cookie and have it at the ready. oh, look, here's an unhelpful omen right on cue and very small when they finally form.]

ᴏʜ, ꜱᴛᴏᴘ. ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ʜᴀʀᴅʟʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀꜱᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ.

Maybe not "never," but...

[Why are omens so much trouble?? Saeri blinks, staring at that little omen, half of a cookie in her mouth.]

This was a private conversation, you know.

[She likes Fang but don't butt in, ugh. Why now? It does diffuse some of the tension, but also makes Saeri feel so very awkward.]

[vi addresses the tiny omen, who curls up, looking very small - smaller now - and only headtilting, not acknowledging vi's input at all.]

I don't need your help right now. It's weird, but you can't fight it, distract it or ...annoy it out of the way. Sorry.

[fang seems to consider this, does look at saeri before she lets out a little huff and smokes back into her sleeper's chest.]

Cool. So feelings are not the worst thing, I guess. [to an omen that's no longer anywhere in sight:] Thanks for that.

She does that a lot. This time I got words though instead of the look. So I guess I must be doing something right. Or maybe we are. With our private conversation that's definitely not about feelings, but could be about them later, when it's not so awkward.

[did she just make it awkward again. dammit.]

You know what. Fuck awkward. I want a tour, and I want to see what cool shit you've been working on. Also, I brought art.

[She is almost worried that Fang's arrival will cause Simidele to react. She adjusts herself on the couch, and presses her fingers against her chest in what she hopes is a casual deflection while "dusting" crumbs off of herself. The last thing she needs is him around word-vomiting at people about feelings that aren't anyone's business. Yet. Right now. Maybe ever.

The chase to change things up was very much welcome.]

Hell yes. Come on. [She gets up and moves over to the crank to bring down the ladder.] The first floor is pretty self-explanatory, but I can show you the library and the tower.

[all the feelings are still there, but they've been aired out, and nothing that she'd said had been even a fraction shy of truth - so maybe that's why she feels able to move on to this new emotion: honest curiosity about a tower and a library. (it's the artifact, vi. you dummy. but whatever works - and it seems to have done the trick here without her stopping to question it.]

Not a lot of people can say they have their own library and tower. That they built themselves.

[well,look at this: running away wasn't the answer, vi. every once in a while running in without looking, ~~fists~~ emotions swinging is the way to go.]

Hah. I couldn't even say that. I just got this broken down carriage at a steal and upgraded it how I wanted.

[Saeri is a lot more careful going up the stairs and onto the second level of the carriage house. The ceiling is a lot higher than one might think due to the trusses of the main roof being visible instead of blocked off with a standard ceiling. The stairs open up into study/library which has a short table for sitting at with some cushions around it and walls bulging with books, scrolls, and hand-bound notebooks.

The table-desk itself has some papers on it covered in runes, tattoos, and splotches of ink all over. Metal ladder rungs are built into the wall leading up to the tower.]

So...here's where most of my nerdery happens. Of the writing sort.

[She points to the left.] That's the bedroom.

nobody said it'd be an easy ride

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