deercountry | i'm not a superhero [September Catch-All]

There's other bodies, twisted into nightmarish monsters, lying on their sides. Their large eyes seem to stare at the two in the boat, but there's nothing behind the eyes - no spark of life, or anything resembling any sort of animating spirit at all.

"'Back' here? You've been here before?" He leans forward slightly, trying to ignore the giant creatures on the shore. He doesn't want to talk about them right now, okay? He's busy with Manabu.

"Yeah." His fingers lace tightly together, elbows digging into his thighs as he hunches back over again.

"A year. A whole year ago. I was here a year ago." It's been that long! A whole solar cycle. "And the worst part is...getting used to it. I really, really shouldn't be okay with just sitting here. Enduring this again. There's no good reason for this, especially not again."

"... So we can expect what's happened before to happen again." Interesting... and frustrating, if he can expect the things he's already seen to come back. "So how did you get back from here the first time?"

There are more bodies, including a very small one. Nara'a sees it out of the corner of his eye and inhales sharply. "I hate this place sometimes."

Right... Nara'a's not been here the same amount of time. This shouldn't be Manabu just sitting here complaining about his dismal luck.

He swallows, keeping his eyes squeezed shut for a beat before lifting his head and looking back at him with a severe expression - forced resolve. Fake it until you make it, baby.

(Or rather: Stuff your own problems to the side and handle others' first and foremost. Work work work, baby!)

"You ride through it. I'm not going to tell you there's some good, deeper meaning here other than...accepting that you're here now. Far and away from the people you're attached to - the ones from your homeland. They're the ones lining the riverbed right now."

(What a coincidence, that's what he does as well.)

He sighs and runs his hands through his hair, trying to get his shit together. He can handle this. It's not as bad as some things he's been through. At least these deaths... even if he blames himself for them, they're not his fault. Sure, he caused a few of them, but some of them had to be put down due to what they'd become.

"They're..." He breathes, trying to think of words. He's always so good with them, except when he's not. "They're on my hands. Some more than others." The corner of his mouth twitches. "I'm trying to move forward, but this place keeps trying to get me to look back."

Manabu listens with a soft frown.

"On your hands how?" he asks. It's not his place to know, but it's this river's want to hear it.

He gestures towards the small body, which is joined by a number of bodies that range from almost childlike to large and bulky. "The massacre at the Waking Sands... the Garlean Empire was looking for me. They captured our leader at the time, but I was the prize they were searching for. IF I had defeated Titan faster I could have been there to help fight."

And possibly get captured or slaughtered as well... but he should have been there. "Instead I walked in on the remains of a bloodbath. Of blood that was spilled that should have been mine. I should have been there to fight. They shouldn't have died. There was no need for such cruelty - but if there had to be cruelty, it should have been directed at me."

Ah.

"So not directly your fault, but by association. You weren't the one swinging the weapons around."

"... I suppose not, but I..." He swallows, trying to breathe normally. It's... fine. He's fine. This is totally okay.

(It's not okay at all.)

"But as I helped carry their bodies to the lichyard all I could think about was how much time I wasted. And some of them... I didn't even get to know their names. And... a lot of those other bodies on the shore... they're also people I was too late to save."

He brushes a tear away from his eye in frustration, doing his best to keep it together. "If I had been faster I could have saved her. If I had just found the source of the Final Days faster I could have saved him. If I could just be more of a beacon of hope for people, if I could be where I needed to be at the right time I could have saved so many people, but I -"

He presses his head into his hands, shoulders shaking. "I know what taking on too much expectation can do to someone. I've seen it literally warp someone. And I don't want to become that. I don't - but at the same time if I could save everyone, I would." He doesn't want people to see him as any less of a person than anyone else. That way lies primal worship and ascendance which never ends well for anyone.

But at the same time... the whole world is his responsibility now, isn't it? All the worlds, even - he rescued them all. But he's just one person.

"... I shouldn't be putting this on you. I... apologize."

Manabu utters a soft, negative sound, unmoving - barely breathing, as one can hardly do much in the face of such heavy admissions...especially when one doesn't deserve to be the one to hear them. Manabu knows he hasn't earned this, but...

"No. Look--" He sees it before Nara'a can take stock, but their path along this bloody river is starting to clear of beasts and the figures unfamiliar to Manabu. "You're doing what you need to do. To cross this river."

"No I -" It's true, the bodies are starting to clear. There's still bodies that are unfamiliar to him, and he tries to focus.

"Is that... what I have to do? To cross this river? Admit that I'm afraid?" Because he is. He's very afraid... but he has to face it. "... Is that what you have to do, too?"

"Something like that, I think. But that's why I don't get why I'm..."

He trails off, blanching as he no longer sees the SDF uniforms. That's--

Mako? Wu?

"Wait--"

He shifts, scooting to an edge of the boat, causing it to bob and tilt precariously as he leans over, reaching for one of the drifting forms.

"Wait!!"

"Hey - Manabu, stop!" He reaches over to push Manabu back into the boat.

"Manabu, I don't think that they're real. Take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong." Aside from 'everything', but that's a constant here.

"But-! But they're not--"

They're not dead. The others? Yes. Of course. No bones about it. But them?

Even so, Manabu's easily shoved back, easily convinced to sit tight as the boat rocks and steadies from all the commotion. He grips the edges of the seat beside him, his expression haunted, conflicted.

"They're not dead," he says, shaking his head. "They're gone, but...not dead. They shouldn't be showing up like this, it doesn't make sense!"

Nara'a just watches Manabu calmly, his lesser panda omen crawling on the other man's lap to curl up and try to steady him.

"Do you blame yourself for them being gone?" Since he blames himself for the deaths that showed up... he wouldn't be surprised if Manabu blames himself for these people, too.

"... I'd ask if you want to talk about it, but I think this place is doing the asking for me."

Manabu's already all tensed up, but his attention shifts to the alien creature climbing up on him. His stomach clenches, throat tightening.

Does he blame himself? For his friends leaving?

"Of course not! I, I didn't want them to go! Why would I...Why would I want to be alone here?" His eyes wince as he hears the crack in his voice. "It was...bad enough. In the nightmare. At least here, I thought...we'd all make it. Together."

The little creature looks up at Manabu and then snuggles into him, trying to soothe him. Don't be upset, friend!

Nara'a thinks on that for a moment and lets out a long sigh. "But they might come back. But you... they're important to you in some way, right? Do you feel like you let them down somehow? I'm... only trying to figure out why they would be here. I'm not trying to pry..."

It's just kind of... happening as a result of the river.

"No, I know you're not--" He shakes his head, still bent low - but not too low as to risk getting booped or bapped by a critter. "I'm just saying, it--I just expected...only the people who are truly gone. Dead. It's messing with me, okay? And if that was enough to be done with this, that'd be great!"

He is quiet for a beat, shoulders drawn up to his earlobes.

"Does it...just mean saying how mad I am out loud? Is that it?"

"This whole place is designed to mess with you." He can confidently say that much about Trench. But he lets Manabu rant it out for a moment before he responds. Best to let him finish his thought, even if it's an angry one.

"Maybe it does. Who can say with this place? But if this particular place is designed to poke at our grief, then anger is definitely part of it. It's a part of grieving, after all."

As Nara'a speaks, Manabu just shakes his head, words washing off him, some unheard and others just sticking where it suits his own thoughts.

It's a part of grieving seems to poke more than stick, and, unfortunately for the critter, Manabu shoots upright, standing suddenly and causing the boat to shudder.

"So what if it is?!" he yells, his head still bowed. His fists clench tightly at his sides as he looks around, glaring furiously at the river and its filthy banks. "It's nobody's business but our own! Do you hear me out there?! It's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Leave us the hell ALONE already!!"

His hair fluffs up, a few sparks popping off the tips.

"If you're not strong enough to kill me dead for good then just BUZZ OFF WITH THIS!"

If it proves anything, it at least shows off the lovely echo in the area.

His omen scampers away to under Nara'a's seat at the display of emotion, putting his paws over his eyes.

"I don't know that they're listening, Manabu. And even if they are, I don't know if they care. Or if they can care like we do." His voice is calm and even, and he looks at Manabu seriously. "All we can do is try to take care of each other while they do... whatever it is that they do."

He leans forward slightly, watching the other's body language carefully. "I know you're angry. I am, too. And I'm glad you can get it out here, where it won't hurt anyone." He's certainly not taking Manabu's anger personally. "Holding onto it is just going to hurt you. ... Just try and breathe, all right? You'll be okay. We'll make it through this."

"Every year with this?!" Manabu's ire is still directed at the circumstance, but his focus shifts to glare down at Nara'a. The glare becomes a grimace at the sight of his expression, reminding him it's really not just him putting up with this, and that...kind of takes the wind out of his blustery sails. He doesn't entirely deflate, but he's certainly not ready to start yelling into the ether again.

He exhales in a huff, steam escaping from his mouth. He starts to mutter a bitter response, but there's a distant sound of barking echoing back at them. Manabu blinks, looking around and then over his shoulder toward the horizon ahead of their boat.

"Magnet?" Yeah, no, that's his barking. "Uoh--look! It's the shore!"

Was he rewarded for his tantrum? Was it coincidental to having dumped feelings anyway? Who cares!!

"Maybe." He has to stay calm. If there's one thing he's learned, it's that staying calm is the best way to get other people to calm down as well. He takes a deep breath and is about to say something when he hears barking.

"Is that - oh, hello there." He looks back at the other man and smiles. "I told you we'll be all right. Now we just need to figure out how to get out of here -"

Is that the sound of wings flapping? Uh oh.

"Eh-?"

What. What? What now? Manabu looks around, uncertain of what problem he's supposed to be looking for considering this whole boat ride has been a problem.

He looks up at the ravens suddenly circling, and then nods.

"I think those are our ride out of here..."

i'm not a superhero [September Catch-All]

Shadowbringers/Endwalker spoilers

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Shadowbringers/Endwalker spoilers

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