deercountry | All that I am

Entry tags:

All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ He's very good with knots. Those bonds aren't going anywhere without some help Mr. Victorian NEA. ]

Modest.

[ He corrects himself as he leans back onto his haunches and stands up to pick up the blanket when he realizes one crucial thing. The floor isn't all that ideal for someone who just woke up from a fever. He stops in his tracks mid-stride and turns back around, facing him. ]

The floor is cold.

[ Is all he says as he walks right up to him with every intention of carrying him back to the bed. ]

Edited 2022-11-08 06:21 (UTC)

[ They're bizarrely more effective than he was expecting, no give. Irritating. However, given Allen's left hand, he's not worried about getting out of the arm restraints when they're just cloth. Guy could snap iron manacles on his ankles like they were glass without the aid of Innocence, let alone what he could do with it. He had been "imprisoned" in the dungeons because he let them, the idiot. Though he knew how to Houdini out of things with this body and Nea doesn't, other than to try and brute force it...

His attention snaps abruptly back up to Shouto, refocusing on him as he comes towards him and-- no...

He scoots back abruptly at that purposeful walk, knees primly to chest. ]

O-oi, what do you think you're doing? [ do not!!! touch him!!! ]

Edited 2022-11-09 01:13 (UTC)

Taking you to bed.

[ Is all he says as he crouches down in front of him with every intention of picking him up into his arms and lifting him up. ]

[ Congratulations, you've managed to utterly shock and knock off balance the one who aims to one day destroy the world, whose very existence has thrown the balance of a seven thousand year long war off kilter, so thoroughly that his face just falls. Almost comically so.

Taking him to--?! HOW MUCH DID HE BLACK OUT ON. WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU HAVE WITH ALLEN.

You might have tied his feet but he can still try to kick you in the FACE. ]

[ Blissfully ignorant of the not-so-false assumptions laid against him, Shouto picks him up in one easy move. His legs do most of the heavy lifting, which isn't that heavy. Allen was always lighter than Shouto expected, but he's carried him enough times now that he's expecting the lighter load.

Nea can try to kick him, but without his Innocence, it won't hurt any worse than when he trained with Endeavor, and he packs a bigger punch. Unless he means to use his left hand against him, Shouto will deposit him in bed and promptly cover him with the blankets. He'll lay a hand on top, acting like a heater to take away the chill of the cold bed. ]

Allen had a fever.

You'll get sick if you stay on the ground.

Edited 2022-11-10 02:26 (UTC)

[ What are you, a goddamn caveman.

He's not going to make carrying him easy for sure, kicking and struggling and swearing like a wildcat. He has never been manhandled like this in this body or his original you weirdo, what gives you the right!! What the hell situation is this! This is all Allen's fault!!! You weren't supposed to have your own life, that just complicated everything!! It's what you suggested, ass.

By the time Shouto dumps him on the mattress and throws the covers over him the fight's gone out, or at least he's realized it's futile for right now unless he wants to expend a lot more energy than he wants to. Shouto's reasoning draws an absolutely frosty stare from Nea, but it's impassive now. Like he's trying to stare straight through into his soul. Or might have just found something interesting about him.

He's silent. Doesn't reply for a long moment as the heat bleeds through the blankets. Just scrutinizes him. ]

...why do you care.

[ It's not goading. He sounds genuine. Cold, but genuine. ]

You've been no one in this play.

[ It's part of a hero's job to deal with struggling civilians. Be they swearing up a storm or kicking and screaming. He deals with Nea's defiance the same way he'd deal with anyone else: he listens, ignores their struggles, and keeps moving. Once he has him under the covers, he's quick to warm him up with the same neutral expression even as Nea stares him down. He's used to that too. It hardly phases him.

Using his quirk to warm up the bed, it's the probing question that has the heat receding as he regards him with the same even look. ]

I care about Allen.

[ Short and simple, nothing complicated here. ]

Edited 2022-11-10 03:41 (UTC)

[ Well that much is obvious. Nea picked up on that much earlier, if maybe misjudging the exact nature.

He expression remains equally calm and even though. Wary. ]

Why?

Edited 2022-11-10 07:39 (UTC)

[ Isn't it obvious? ]

Because I like him.

[ How simple.

He stares flatly back in response, as if yes, silently judging him quite a bit for that answer even if he says nothing. It's more because the wheels are turning. Wheels that have decided Allen has become stupid. Incredibly stupid.

He turns his head to the side, looking away. ]

I have no reason to talk to you unless you start giving me better answers than that. [ flatly ]

For all I know you're just some creepy stalker.

[ pot, kettle ]

[ Better answer? That has him tilting his head to the side looking like a curious cat about to drop a glass off the table without an ounce of remorse. ]

What kind of answer do you want?

[ Seriously?

He looks back at him with an absolutely leaden stare. ]

Who are you, for starters.

Shouto Todoroki. I'm a hero in training.

[ Now, tit for tat. ]

Who are you?

[ Excuse him, what. Are you delusional? ]

Are you a child? Who trains to be a "hero". How conceited. [ Seriously. He doesn't know whether to laugh or be ill. Opinion of Allen: declining steadily. ]

And I already told you. [ He shifts under the covers at that, golden eyes bright and sharp as leans up against the hand that's pressing down on him. Like a wolf on a leash. ] Nea D. Campbell.

[ Make sure you get it right. The other names people try to slap on him make him want to choke on his own derisive bile. ]

If "Allen" didn't tell you anything more, that's on him.

I'm a teenager training to be a Pro-Hero.

[ He corrects him without an ounce of embarrassment and he is very much serious.

You gave him a first name like it meant anything to him. For someone who speaks a lot, you don't say much. ]

Why are you inside of Allen? What do you do? Are you a ghost or a parasite?

[ What kind of rock did you even crawl out from under where people could ever seriously have that sort of belief. Being a "Pro-Hero"... the hell. ]

How laughable.

[ It's an art, being able to talk a lot while saying nothing the other person wants to hear, and one that Nea is good at. "Parasite" gets a small, irritated kind of twitch from him though. Sore spot? Maybe. ]

That is something between me and Allen.

[ It's not a belief, it's a lifestyle~

One Allen adheres to quite well. It's who they met. Why they continued to meet, and one of the reasons Shouto likes him. Not because he can fight but because he's willing to fight to protect others. ]

Allen never spoke of you.

[ Just going to preface this whole conversation with that. ]

He spoke of a ghost haunting this place.

[ Point blank: ] Are you dead?

[ Never spoke of him? Hah, as usual. It's how Nea would prefer it, but it's good to confirm this weirdo and his affectionate rapport with Allen didn't change that.

The blunt question gets a flat response, but not one from a position of judgement or ire. Golden eyes slant at him slowly, almost lazily. ]

I'm not anymore if I'm talking to you now, am I?

[ Not anymore.

Silence follows that answer while he tries to understand what he means. From what he's told him, Allen is still there, only pacified. The ghost, Nea, can switch places with him, but either he won't or can't at the moment. He wants to know which so he can act, but first, there's something more important he needs to clarify before he proceeds. ]

Where you born with him?

[ Meaning, was he a part of Allen or indeed a parasite he picked up? Because there's a world of difference between the two. ]

Edited 2022-11-11 10:20 (UTC)

No.

[ He keeps looking at him with an intensity that belays how there's more to that answer than just that, though. Wary, cautious, but with a touch of intrigue as well. Consideration.

How much would you want to know about your precious "Allen"? ]

But we've been together a long time. [ Oh, the inside jokes you'll never know. ]

You could say we're old friends.

[ He's been on the receiving end of intense looks all his life, from Endeavor to self-proclaimed rivals, all vying for attention he'll never give them. If they want him to know something, then they can tell him. Otherwise, they can keep on staring. It's the same with double-talk. If it's not outright said then don't expect him to read between the lines. He won't. ]

If you're friends, then why are you keeping him suppressed?

[ Oh, his lip curls into a slow smile at that question. One that is anything but pleasant to look at, least of all on Allen's face where it makes him almost unrecognizable.

So airy and delicate like Allen, but pitying. Cold. A serial killer's loving contempt for the one they're about to erase. You poor wretched thing. ]

Because this body is what he promised me.

[ You're not Allen. Not by any measure. It disturbs him on a fundamental level to see his face contort into an uncanny vision of him. It's a lie. One he dislikes far more than he thought, but it's his response that finally tips him over the edge.

He stiffens, jaw locked at the outright lie set before him. ]

You're lying.

Am I? [ His voice lilts, pleased. It's nothing likely how Allen's voice would dip and rise pleasantly with his demeanor, but mocking instead. ]

You weren't there. You've barely been here at all, whatever fairyland you crawled out from. No one who calls himself a "hero" so blithely could have possibly been here for even a fraction of what "Allen" has lived through, let alone understand it. It's laughable how naïve that is, or do you think anyone who says their side is the "right" and "good" one is automatically so?

They're the ones who hunt Allen even now. People who would call themselves "heroes", right alongside the ones condemned as devils. People who didn't care that all he wanted was to "save" as soon as they didn't agree with his terms, with who he wanted to save. Who won't hesitate to put him down like a dog and execute him, all in the name of being righteous heroes of humanity.

[ He struggles against the blankets like he's trying to sit up, trying to lean into his face, although he can't. With a feral glow in his eyes and an unpleasant smile masking and mixing with the very real bite in his tone. ]

Who are you to know Allen when I've known him all along?

A newcomer. A nobody.

Edited 2022-11-11 14:45 (UTC)

Yes.

[ He says with more confidence than one would expect without knowing the details of their relationship. ]

I know Allen. He might be reckless at times, but he's not suicidal.

[ And that's what it comes down to. He spent a week mourning his death while reconciling with the fact that the person who came back, if he came back, might not be the person he knew. It added another layer to his grief. One he didn't know how to address until he saw him. The surge of joy at seeing him, the utter relief he felt when he realized he still knew him. It was then, at that moment, that he had his answer. His physical form never mattered, it was the soul painted with care with an arrangement of memories that he loved so much.

That was who Allen was to Shouto.

Everything Nea was not. That's why, for the first time since his arrival, his composure begins to crack. The closer Nea draws to him, the more Shouto pulls back. It's not a singular word or moment that turns the tide but a combination of everything he's seen and heard. Why didn't you say anything? The thought that Allen might be hunted by people who consider him a villain makes his stomach turn, but it's the realization that this caricature set before him might actively be trying to kill him that finally sets him off. ]

It doesn't matter who I am.

[ It never did. Not when his family was suffering, not when his-- there's a pause there, a look of confusion under the rising anger. It's gone within a moment. He moves on without an answer because that's not what's important right now - what Allen is to him - what matters is getting him back. ]

Neither does the Order or you.

[ He doesn't care about any of it. Don't you understand that?! He told you from the start what he cared about, and never once did he indicate there were caveats attached to his feelings. In the same way, Allen loves humanity, Shouto loves his family and friends.

Unconditionally. He's ready to fight for any of them, even when they openly hate him. Hurt him. Allen never once questioned his pursuit of wanting to get to know his brother. Despite being killed by Touya, he never asked him to reconsider his heart. Never questioned him. From the start, he understood him in a way few have ever have, more than Shouto would ever understand him, but that's the thing about the heart: it doesn't seek a reason for what it feels; it just does. ]

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1/2 | cw: mentions of suicide