deercountry | All that I am

Entry tags:

All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ With his arm slung across Shouto's shoulders he can tell when one side of him heats up more than the other, not finding that surprising on its own, but he does blink to feel the light chill of breath against his cheek. One and then also the other. Counterbalancing. He figured that out before, realizing it was often tied to some surge in feeling that was being tempered, but... what? So he blinks lightly, focusing more intently on his expression and trying to read it. Grey eyes flickering lightly between Shouto's mismatched ones, drifting to his mouth, and then coming back up again. Left-right, left-right.

But the pit of Allen's stomach drops and goes stone cold when he says Nea told him things about his past and this close Shouto can probably feel how he tenses up again at that. Just... what did he tell you? Were they lies, or... It's something he partially chickens out on asking, but mostly is more than grateful to let slide as Shouto continues on.

He just...talked? It's a surprising revelation to Allen, but his expression softens a little then in thoughtfulness and he doesn't reply at first. Not for trying to dodge an answer, but for not being sure what it would be, or how he even feels about that. ]

I don't really know that much about him, to be honest. [ I never did, and his gaze drifts aside for a moment with a heaviness that seems somewhat guilty. His thumb fidgets lightly against Shouto's, drawing comfort from the sheltering cocoon of the embrace. ]

Much of anything, really.

[ This time there's no need to think about his response when he feels Allen tense in his arms. There's heat on his lower back where his palm rubs a small circle to ease the tension in his muscles.

Nea talked about a lot of things. Most he didn't understand in context. All left him with more questions than answers, but he asked about none, recognizing the ill-intent behind his words. Did he have questions? Yes, many. Would he ever voice them? No. Like his unease with Allen speaking with Touya. It was a feeling he couldn't deny but paled in comparison to more prominent feelings. Besides, the idea that Allen might avoid his brother because of him was more abhorrent to him than the unease he felt. It was the same feeling with Nea. The idea that Allen might feel uneasy around him for what he knew about his past was abhorrent to him.

He didn't 'just talk', he attacked him. But that wasn't what stayed him. It was the way he seemed to keep Allen at bay that struck him to his core. To know there was someone who could smother him very being was too familiar to his own fears of smothering him with his feelings. It got under his skin, and he'd made a mistake, giving Nea a chance to attack him. If Allen wanted to know more, if he asked him more, then he'd tell him. For now, he keeps adding heat to ease the tension. ]

Do you want to know more about him?

[ He asks, noticing the way his thumb fidgets against his. It shifts his focus, bringing his thumb to a standstill, and he lifts Allen's hand up to his lips, planting a kiss on the inside of his hand without contemplating what he's doing further than the urge that prompted the response. ]

[ Awe-touched, Allen is surprised when he lifts his hand up in the middle of their talk to kiss it in such a chaste yet intimate manner. Staring quietly, but only because it makes his heart swell with an affection that yes, has been so solidly there for months, but that almost aches now with realizing how sweet that is.

You're comforting me. He knew that before, it was obvious of course that they both wanted to comfort each other, but... the thoroughness of it with such a gentle diligence is what strikes him now. How that kind of gesture-- it speaks of quiet devotion.

He shivers a little too when Shouto presses his lips to the much more sensitive skin of his palm, sending a prickle of gooseflesh over his bare skin, and his arm winds more snugly across his shoulders. ]

Yes. [ It's said with clear eyes and a simple sort of certainty, his fingers fanning gently along the edge of Shouto's cheek from where he'd raised his hand. He'd made his mind up on that years ago, after all. Correcting one of his first mistakes, and how his bias against Nea had blinded him at first.

Leaning in, as naturally as Shouto had raised his hand to kiss it, Allen presses his lips softly against his temple. Soft and sweet, like a promise, and following his lead with the next step in a quiet sort of dance. ]

If I knew more, then I might be able to change something.

Edited 2023-06-19 02:28 (UTC)

[ Comforting him in the way he knew Allen preferred. Holding him, running a hand down his back, kissing him. It's his response to his earlier display of affection. Delayed, of course. He's always needed time to catch up. It doesn't dampen his feelings, though. It only makes him more certain of them.

His eyes close behind red and white lashes. The kiss sparks exactly what Allen intended. He doesn't need to tell him how he feels, he can feel it in the tender way he kisses him, filling his heart with a kind of heat that fed his fire.

He exhales softly, eyes opening slowly, focusing on him. The urge to kiss him, paramount in his mind. It's such a strange feeling, letting himself want. It melds two opposing sides into one. ]

Do you know what you want to ask him?

Edited 2023-06-19 03:04 (UTC)

[ He wants to kiss you too, the urge becoming very strong when Shouto exhales so quietly and opens his eyes, but Allen smiles very softly instead and tucks it and the thrill of slight butterflies aside. He's long-used to tucking his wants aside to not be acted on nor thought about, not that he's ever had to really struggle with this kind of want before either. Not that he has any reason to hold back from kissing him in general now, but the seriousness of the conversation makes him resist.

But he looks forward to kissing him later. A lot.

But the question makes him hesitate for a moment, the smile slipping as he considers how -- very obvious that is. And yet, ]

I... hadn't thought about that before. [ Shifting a little restlessly for a second at being caught without a good answer for something he probably should have one for, shouldn't he, he shakes his head lightly. ]

Before-- The last thing I remembered before I woke up here.. I'd been trying to retrace my master's footsteps to find out what he'd known.

[ It's the same reason he holds back too. This is important to Allen, and that alone, makes it easy to keep holding him and not press for him. He likes this, too, after all. Talking to him like this in the middle of the night, listening to what's important to him, even if he didn't have an answer. They could explore the notion together. ]

About Nea?

[ He asks for clarification as a thought strikes him. ]

Wouldn't it be easier to ask him directly?

[ His first question gets a nod before the other has Allen once again blinking, gawking slightly. ] I, ah...

[ er ] That's--

[ It is obnoxious how much sense you're making. It's making him feel sheepish. Finally he just huffs lightly, more for feeling embarrassed at not having a better answer than anything. ]

--maybe. But it isn't that easy. It's not like I can just have a conversation with him whenever-- or ever.

[ Aside from once, very briefly... and the occasional ominous and cryptic remark of the shadow that stalked him in mirrors. But that was all very muted and more like ghostly remnants of whoever the man used to be, very one-way, and Allen too stunned to really say anything before it was over.

Either way he resettles himself with a slight sigh, this time settling both arms across the back of Shouto's shoulders as he lets his weight sink against him carefully, mindful still. Getting used to being okay with doing so still.

He kisses his cheek in an offhand, casual manner. Appreciative and a silent thanks despite his huff. ]

Certainly not anymore. [ And that is a very good thing. ]

Edited 2023-06-19 04:04 (UTC)

[ It's very grade-school logic, you know. There may be more complex reasons behind why he hasn't taken this route, but for someone looking at the situation from the outside looking in, it's very simple. ]

Why not?

[ He asks, his attention drifting when he kisses his cheek. You're very distracting when you want to be, Allen. Not that he minds, not feeling like he needs to hold back, he returns the kiss, patting his back in turn in a comforting manner. ]

Edited 2023-06-19 04:13 (UTC)

[ If he wanted to be distracting you would know. Oh, would you know. As it is he's not paying attention to the effect he might have -- which is rare, but also because Shouto doesn't show it very markedly. But Allen just--

He just reaches up and touches Shouto on the nose. In a very light, ~~exasperated~~ loving boop. ]

For the same reason I'm not him right now.

[ but sure, he'll elaborate ] The awakening stopped the moment I woke up here. [ He re-settles once again, arms finding their familiar and comfortable spot behind his neck. ] The nature of this place and the kind of person I am in it...

[ He hesitates lightly, as not only is it something he's never told anyone before but also because he... never really stopped to dwell too hard or too long on it himself. Afraid to jinx it. ]

...somehow, I think it split us. Except for whatever that was.

[ A regression into the past, he thinks. ]

[ He does know... It's a thought that's become more common as time goes on. Not that he thinks you're being distracting on purpose. He'd question him then. This... this is something he keeps to himself, only coming out in puffs of fire and ice.

But that tap on the nose... that was on purpose, wasn't it... He blinks in surprise, the line of his mouth never shifting. The number of questions that pop into his head at that bop. Are you trying to tell him something? He would ask if not for that answer. ]

The awakening?

[ He questions, focusing on that line. Gone is that sparkle of easy camaraderie, replaced by the mask of the hero Shouto. ]

Do you mean, when he takes over your body? Like he did in Edinburgh?

Edited 2023-06-19 05:01 (UTC)

[ --you didn't know. Crap.

Of course Shouto doesn't, but-- well, no, not of course. Somehow in the course of Nea being in control so much as to talk with and attack him, Allen sort of just... figured that came up. Or would be obvious. Or-- something. His nerves are still too rattled to have really realized Shouto probably didn't know and there he went, just blurting it out.

He bites the inside of his lip, conflicted as a complex flicker of emotions quickly passes over his face. Weight shifts back. I do not want to have this conversation and the urge to run away from it is strong, but--

When would he ever want to have it. ]

That's... what it is. It isn't like we're a dual-conscious. When he comes, I go. And every time he does it gets harder to come back.

[ Until one day he never comes back.

Allen's gaze slips aside at that, uncomfortable, but he'd be uncomfortable no matter the circumstances with these topic. Knowing he should clarify but not wanting to dwell on it either. The reality that even still he puts aside and tries not to think about partly because that's just how he reaffirms that it will not happen and he will fight, but more because he knows how true -- how dark -- it is. How very likely it's hopeless to resist even if he keeps resisting to the moment he fades away.

The reason why this world is a reprieve for him. ]

I think... everyone already expected there wouldn't be a "me" anymore by now. If I was back there.

[ Everyone except Johnny. ]

Edited 2023-06-19 22:27 (UTC)

[ Nea may have hinted at it, expecting him to understand the nuisance in his words. He spoke in riddles. Maybe that's why he knew less than what Allen was expecting him to catch on. You gave him too much credit, and now you've brought onto the floor the one thing Shouto missed in their time together. ]

Where do you go?

[ There's a seriousness in his tone, far from neutral, as he stares back at him, mouth a thin line, eyes boring into him. What do you mean by dual-consciousness? Like TOkoyami and Dark Shadow? He has no context for this other than the quirks he knows from his world. Was it a brainwashing quirk? A body switch? How do you awaken something that was-- a thought strikes him then, and he pulls, taking his hands in his and holding onto him tightly. ]

Was he with you when you were born?

[ It makes his heart twist a little to see the worry in his face like that, as subtle as it is. Allen hates making people worry. Does everything he can and spins so many white lies so he doesn't make them worry. So why does it feel worse to think about lying to you like that.

He bites his lip, hard, and then just shakes his head. Allen brings his hand up then to cup his cheek very lightly, the delicate brush of his fingers feeling somehow sympathetic. ]

I don't know. [ He really doesn't. There's precious little he or anyone knows for certain of any of it. ]

From what my master said... maybe. But I didn't feel it start to happen until a couple years ago.

[ His fingers feel cold on his cheek, or maybe that's just him. Despite his attempts, he's not comforted at all. Barely registers his hand on his cheek, staring at him instead, trying to make sense of it all the pieces spread out before him, and struggles to make sense of it. Wasn't Nea a Noah? His enemy? The ones who didn't care for humans? Weren't they opposites? The Noah and Innocence? How could one take over the other? ]

What about your Innocence?

How can it take over you when your Innocence hurts Noah?

[ A very good question, and one that makes a pained look flicker across Allen's face as he has to shake his head yet again. ]

I don't know. [ It's the million dollar question that no one seems to really understand either, not him, not his master, not even the Order. Or if they did, they never let it on.

His shoulders sag a little; i's one of the few things that makes him feel defeated. Especially with having no recourse here, outside of his world and the few leads he had to follow. ]

I think maybe it might help make it harder for him... but I don't know.

Wouldn't that mean they aren't opposites? But a counterbalance like my ice and fire?

If they were - [ here he touches his cheek with cold fingers ] - you wouldn't exist.

[ That -- makes him blink, and startles him from even his own thoughts. So much so the chill touch almost doesn't register. He's reeling slightly from the idea they aren't opposites as that flies in the face of everything he has ever known and very firmly believes, but that-- ]

"Wouldn't exist"...?

You said they were opposites. That they destroy each other if they come into contact. If he was with you from the start, then you wouldn't have been born. That means you belong together. He can't make you disappear any more than you can make him go away.

[ On the other hand... ]

If he came after, then the moment you came into contact, you would have destroyed each other. But you're still here. He can take over you and not be destroyed by your Innocence. That's likely why you can house him and not be destroyed by what makes him a Noah.

[ His fingers start to warm the more he thinks about it. He's not good at speaking off the cuff, his thoughts are always a jumble he has to sort out, but it all falls into place in front of him, given his background. ]

[ They can destroy each other and in fact are the only things capable of that as perfect opposites, not that they will explode if they touch, but... it's still a very good point. It raises an endless sea of questions, though unlike Shouto -- Allen doesn't find them reassuring. The whole point is to not be the host anymore. The point is to Because they will never belong together. That's a thought that makes his throat burn with bile.

I just want him gone. There is no mix in their personality, their identities, and he just wants his body back and his alone.

Or... am I just being blinded by how much I hate him again? The realization has him biting his tongue on any argument. Even if he already didn't want to be contrary when Shouto is just trying to help and seems more at ease with his reasoning than Allen is, and Allen's expression just weighs down in thoughtful but moody self-reflection. ]

"Taming two monsters..."

[ He murmurs it quietly, turning the phrase over on his tongue like it's a recitation. A quote or mantra. But he shakes his head lightly, like he's setting that aside and shrugging it off. Reaching out for Shouto and he just--

He just hugs him. Like he would with Tim when he was smaller. Like he just really, really needs a hug and is fine with settling to hug someone else instead. ]

I wish I could speak with my master.

Edited 2023-06-20 00:29 (UTC)

[ The warmth is gone almost as quickly as it rose, startled into submission by that comparison. You know what monsters are, more than him. He's seen the aftermath of an Akuma's passing. They were monsters. You are-- ]

You're not a monster.

[ Allen? What's wrong? It's the first time he's ever seen him looking so dark and dismal. He doesn't like it. Doesn't like the way he shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. Like he can unsee how lonely and somber he looks when he's right there. Where are you?

When he hugs him, Shouto returns it tenfold, wrapping him up in his arms and squeezing him tightly. Smothering him in the way he hasn't let himself since his return from the sea.

Why do you feel so far away? ]

Why don't you?

[ He wasn't saying he was a monster, nor even was the person he was quoting calling him a monster at the time. A person having two different monsters inside of them, Innocence and Noah both. Perhaps not even so much Nea, maybe that was also different. But it's an important distinction. The message clear: don't be controlled by the warring forces within you.

Control them, instead. Whatever that meant.

Though that doesn't mean that Allen doesn't also still struggle with the belief that yes, he is a monster.

Being swept up in such a strong hug, stronger than he's ever felt Shouto hold him before-- he latches on in response. Arms wrapping tight around his neck as he buries his face into the crook of it, breathing out shakily from realizing just how badly he needed that. Breathing in then the calming scent he's come to associate with Shouto, like embers in winter, and finding that calms his heart as much as the embrace.

He shakes his head lightly at the question, but keeps his face tucked against his neck. He told you, remember? About Cross. ]

Even I can't talk with the dead. [ He says it so softly, so plainly. Gentle and somber. ]

Not like that, at least.

[ Taming two monsters. That's your problem from the start. He knows what you meant. The Innoncence and Noah. He also knows that your Innocence was born with you. It's a part of you as much as his quirk is a part of him, and nothing about it was a monster. Always, it was the person wielding it that had monstrous intent. Calling your Innocence a monster, calling Noah monsters. Isn't that the same as calling yourself a monster? The two aren't indistinguishable. There is no Allen without Crown Clown just like there isn't Shouto without his Half-Cold, Half-Hot quirk.

If he knew what you were thinking, he'd agree that you needed to control it. Just like heroes trained to control their quirks. Accidents happen and the only solution to it was training. Mind and body. Understanding your quirk. He assumes it's the same with Allen and his Innocence.

Shouto holds him the way he wants to. He feels so far away it helps keep his thoughts grounded. No holding back, no second guesses. So when Allen matches the hug with the same spirit it chases away any lingering doubt. ]

I can't talk to my mother either, but I still speak with her.

[ And that's the fundamental flaw in that thinking: assuming Allen's world is anywhere near as simple, or as understood by anyone, let alone him. There's a reason he's never fallen into the line of thinking of well I just need to get stronger and train himself blue in the face. But knowledge and understanding—empathy... that is a key. Because it isn't about mastering a skill, but communicating with and understanding another entity. And that meant understanding yourself, too. Knowing your heart and your will so you could connect with another's.

Which is hard, when you don't even know what you are.

And when that other entity that's supposed to be your partner disagrees with you and will use your body to get its way.

Allen blinks at that admission though, lifting his head up rather quickly to look him in the eye. The way you've spoken about her already led him to believe your mother was dead and that just kind of cements it, you know, and that he would now seemingly openly speak of that shocks him. ]

You do? [ Baffled, and a little amazed. ]

How?

[ You portray your world so very different from his, but even he can see the similarities. His quirk isn't sentient like Allen's, but he knows of another with a sentient quirk. Tokoyami and Dark Shadow. Their teacher's understood the similarities but also the differences in their students, and created specialized training for each of them. Tokoyami was strong by default. It was his control of Dark Shadow that made him weak. He, too, had to connect with another that disagreed with him. Shouto remembers seeing Dark Shadow take over, cowering from a fight when it got scared of bright explosions, costing Tokoyami an important match.

The difference between him and Allen that Shouto can see are the stakes and the support network every hero in-training was automatically given once they were accepted into the hero course, no matter the school, the fundamentals didn't change. Every teacher was willing and able to help them understand themselves to become better heroes, and when they found themselves lacking, they asked someone better suited for the quirk involved.

The only flaw he sees is accepting that you have to do it alone. It's the fundamental lesson he learned in UA - he wasn't alone.

As for the question, his answer is simple. ]

I write letters to her.

[ He started soon after Kizu turned into a cub. As for his mother, he's never once said she's dead, so he'll be rather surprised if that ever comes up. ]

Edited 2023-06-20 02:24 (UTC)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject