deercountry | All that I am

Entry tags:

All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ Allen's quick to shake his head at that, lost on how to understand so many things but on that one thing -- he's quite sure. Innocence wasn't what was hurting him and causing the pain, of that he's fully convinced. Not only that, but: ]

It was protecting me.

[ Angry, festering at the Noah rising within him and reacting to it, symptomatic of something much greater being wrong with him, but... protecting him. ]

Back at that time, that wound, when it happened... it would have killed me if it hadn't sealed it up. It kept me from bleeding out.

[ Again. ]

Edited 2023-06-11 18:49 (UTC)

[ He stiffens in his arms. His words painting a whole different picture from what he thought had happened. He'd reacted on instinct, freezing it the way he'd done before when it was--when he thought it was hurting Allen.

It was protecting him, and I... attacked it.

His hands let go of him all at once, curling up into his palms, and Kizu disappears her solid weight there one moment and gone the next. ]

But you weren't... bleeding.

[ A pained look flickers in Allen's eyes when he pulls back like that, when Kizu's weight disappears, sympathetic and conflicted at the same time, but he just bites his lip lightly and gives a nod to Shouto's understandable confusion. Wanting so badly to reach out and reassure but not sure if he has the right to anymore. Not right now at least. ]

It stayed like that for months after it first happened. I think it was trying to help it heal, but... it wasn't a normal wound and it didn't seem to want to. All the way up until the last memories I had of that world. [ Every memory of that life before Trench and the waking world.

Very hesitantly, he reaches out to touch Shouto's hand. Very lightly, so carefully, as if to try and convey some kind of understanding or reassurance. ]

What happened just now... isn't like how things were before though. So I don't know. It started hurting again, like it was opening up like before-- [ Flesh that regained the memories of Noah and the rage against the Innocence that had grieved it so welling up so great as to rip and rend itself apart in its fury. ] ...but I don't remember anything after when you reached for it.

[ His head drops slightly, guiltily, and he worries at his lip again until it tastes raw. Lets his hands drop into his lap where they ball up. The irony as his knees still slot to either side of Shouto's hips as he had swung himself into his lap almost immediately in his relief to hold him and know he was okay. ]

I'm sorry, I don't understand a lot of it. [ And now you've gotten caught up in it too. ] But it hurt you and I--

[ His hands tighten up, nails digging with punishing force into his palms, and head bowed in such a way where his bangs hide his eyes -- and any tears in them. ]

I'm sorry.

[ The look he gives him is one of dawning unease. It grips him slowly, a length of rope tightening around his throat, coiling in his stomach. He tenses, and his gaze shifts to a scar no longer infested with feathers. His Innocence. A power that held a will of its own.

Shouto swallows thickly, his heart in turmoil, trying to reconcile what he saw with the image Allen paints. Months... he was like that for months? What had Nea said? He scrambles for the phrasing when movement in his peripheral catches his attention. He doesn't pull away, though he's stiff under his fingertips, too caught up in the idea of Allen suffering for months, bedridden, and in pain with... The order chasing him. A picture starts to form, and for the first time since Allen spoke to him of the Order, Shouto feels more than a passing curiosity over it.

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry.

Each apology drowns the uneasy feeling, supplanting it with concern, and just under the surface, a quiet affection starts to fill the empty space. In the dim light of the reading lamp, Shouto observes him with growing concern, each apology, pushing aside every question he had. This is more important. He looks down to their hands, eyes drawn to that point of connection, and slowly turns his wrist upright to hold onto his fingertips gently. ]

I will heal. Like you did.

[ It isn't reassuring, even if he appreciates the sentiment. It's enough that it does make him try to collect himself, shaking his head almost violently as the tears continue to well. You don't understand, that's something like how Allen might reassure someone else in the situation, but for him--

For him... this isn't the first time someone's been hurt because of his Innocence. Because he lost control of it. Even if it was because he went unconscious that doesn't really make it any better--

Every part of his existence has been forged on top of swearing that hand serve to help others instead of hurt them. Because of his original sin.

It takes him a moment to really process the other half of what Shouto says, looking up finally with a tear-stained face as his fingers press against Allen's in response. As he did...? You aren't talking about the wound on his stomach are you, and for a moment he just holds his gaze somewhat miserably as he tries to process his feelings. What he should do.

And even after all of that, you still— ]

Shouto... [ He begins, but seems unsure of where to go with it. Just trails off teary-eyed as he presses his fingers gently back against Shouto's finally, biting his lip and just—

He just bows his head, leaning his forehead against his shoulder and just staying like that. Teary and shaky, but staying. ]

[ He understands. He's always understood the gap of knowledge that exists between them. He knows there's a void when it comes to his past and powers. Did you think he didn't? That he hasn't weighed it against who he knows you are? That he hasn't already chosen his stance on it? He knows you understand him better than he understands you. Any of his classmates would be better suited to the task than him, who doesn't comprehend when you tease him. Who can't tell when you smile to keep the peace or when it's heartfelt. Who witnessed so many tears growing up, the shock of seeing them is heavily subdued but for the dialing of his pupils, and the way his grip tightens against his hand.

His name, uttered in hesitation, roots him to the spot, sending his mind scrambling for a response that isn't to cling to him the way he did with his mother, smothering her in the process. When Allen bows his head, placing his weight on his shoulder, it's exactly the green light he's been waiting for. He instantly wraps an arm around him into a tight embrace, holding him the way he wanted from the start. ]

I'm here. I'm not leaving.

[ His stance from the start. ]

Edited 2023-06-13 04:31 (UTC)

[ But you're the only person he wants here. Ill-suited with a muted expression and lacking the ability to grasp the nuance in others or not, he's also the only one suited for it. The only one Allen wants here, that he wouldn't bolt and run from, or quickly slap up a defensive array of Stepford smiles to keep at careful arm's length. The more help that's offered, the more carefully and politely he finds a way to decline it. That's how he's always been. That's why you're the only one who could possibly be here with him now.

Just... Allen isn't sure if he's the one who should be here.

But he lets out a shaky breath at that, at the arms circling around him, and his voice cracks in a strangled but relieved sound as he sags against Shouto. Arms circling around him in return, and he grips tight at the fabric at his sides.

I know, but I wonder if I shouldn't have let myself think it was safe to be around others so soon... ]

I'm not either. [ Not because of Nea and not... because of something else. He says it soft and low, a little hoarse with his face still hidden against his now-damp shoulder, and with a note of finality. I can't do that to you, that is something Allen knows clearly even if he's unsure about a lot. But...

...if I feel like I'm just going to hurt you again, I might have to.

But that he doesn't say aloud, and just holds on more tightly for now. ]

[ On the surface, neither of them should be here. It would have been so easy to walk past each other from the start. Allen with his Stepford smile and Shouto with his muted expression. You understand the hearts of others. While he failed to understand his own.

What brought them together was their innate need to safeguard the most vulnerable among them. A fundamental part of their character, it bridged the gap that seemed impossible to cross. ]

...

[ Allen's rough voice captures his attention. His tears from earlier, coupled with the way he clings to him now, clue him into what would have been impossible to miss for anyone else. Gently, he rubs his back with the palm of his hand while his thoughts catch up with his heart. ]

Stay then.

[ He whispers, breath warm against his ear. ]

We'll heal together.

[ What drew Allen to him wasn't that. Though certainly that commonality would be a prerequisite to his getting truly close to anyone.

What drew him towards Shouto from almost the very beginning was something he would be hard pressed to point to. It was nothing he said, nothing that was overt. It was the quiet sort of aloneness he exuded that Allen has always found sad that made him want to reach out. Not because he was compelled to try and fix him though, or save him from that.

It was because he recognized it as like his own, and wanted to answer it. And would keep reaching out towards what he knew had to be there beneath the muted expressions and quiet demeanor.

We'll heal together— Allen exhales softly like that, and tension rolls off him as he tucks his face into the crook of his neck and for all outward appearances seems comforted. Even if he isn't reassured. Not even a little. Part of him is, but the other part just worries more.

He's quiet for a moment, just processing that, before he straights so he can look at him. Very quiet, and very serious in his gentle manner. With a hard to read sort of expression, his grey eyes gentle, but... a little uneasy too. Uncertain, and questioning.

Maybe he shouldn't say anything and just leave it at that, but-- ]

...Isn't there anything you want to ask me? [ Most people would. ]

[ Shouto drops his arms almost immediately after the initial movement to give Allen room to breathe. He looks at him, expression radiating a quiet concern at the pointed question. ]

Did the wound heal? [ He asks, arms resting on either side of him. ] The one your Innoncene was protecting?

[ Not expecting that among all the possibilities, Allen glances down as if to check that himself and touches the edge of the puckered scar hesitantly, his expression a little conflicted and uncertain. Heavy and thoughtful. It's a healed wound, the scars still fresher and angrier looking than the giant one that cleaves him from shoulder to hip, but-- closed, and not looking infected anymore.

Normally it would remind him that maybe he should go find more clothes, a robe at least, but he's still a bit too numb and rattled to bring himself to care about that or even notice he's cold when Shouto drops his arms. ]

Mn. It's been healed the entire time I've been in Trench.

[ It's the one that matters to him the most after spending so long caring for him while he was unconscious, not knowing whether he'd wake up or not when he had no clue what had caused it. He told you from the start, you were the priority, yet they ended up exactly what he'd tried to avoid from the start. A foreigner in a foreign land with someone to protect, and no idea what you suddenly collapsed or what those feathers were or why they attacked him.

Silent in his observation of him, his rising concern is smothered by a muted expression. ]

Allen... We never left Trench.

[ Allen shakes his head at that, clear and certain on that point even if on very little else. ]

We did. Somehow. Maybe not entirely physically, but an important part of ourselves at least. [ His eyes drift down to his left hand at that too, lingering on it in a reflective and somber manner. ]

It was different the moment arrived. Something started to change.

[ Something in him, and realizing it is what made him get more skittish over time. How his powers felt more like they used to-- how his body felt like it was dialing back to how it should have been at that period in his memories for that place. Putting the Fourteenth aside, he's two lifeforms in one. A perfectly blended merge of human and inhuman, of human and Innocence, each with their own wills and desires. If the nature of his Innocence shifts, he realizes that. The nature of his power relies on being in tune with it and himself, and it is part of his body very physically. He's been very self-aware in that sense ever since Crown Clown first awoke and he realized the importance of having that self-awareness.

And ultimately, as it shifted so too did the thing he was dreading that would explain why his wound would re-open there and close again here. ]

'He' was there.

Edited 2023-06-17 02:09 (UTC)

Kizu and Tim weren't there.

[ He confirms, gently brushing up against his omen. Her presence in his mind settles some of his rising concern. It crests and slowly starts to ebb back down like a receding tide.

It's that moment of self-awareness, finding himself whole again, that helps him see just how out of sorts Allen seems. Is something wrong? ]

Do you mean... Nea?

[ Allen's eyes immediately flick up to meet Shouto's at that, locking with his heterochromatic ones in a moment of sobered silence. Answering with just his look for a moment before he speaks, expression clear and transparent. ]

Yes.

[ He meets his gaze with a silent one. ]

Is he here now?

No. [ It's an immediate, instinctive answer.

But -- he hesitates a moment then. Gaze flickers down as his mouth presses together and brows knit. That is what he believes and what his clearer mind and not-feverish state confirm, and yet...

And yet Allen's hands ball up into light fists against his thigh, too. ]

I don't think so.

[ He'd believe him if he said no. He'd believe him if he said yes. But that indecision... He sets his hand over his, a quiet presence. ]

You don't know, do you?

[ There's no response. He blinks for a moment when Shouto's hand covers his own, a softer sort of surprise flickering across his face, but... his expression becomes drawn again when the question is posed. Hands gripping tighter as his nails dig lightly into his palm and his head bows, as if there's a very heavy weight on his shoulders.

Almost as if in shame.

It's a telling response when normally Allen always has one, all but shaking his head to confirm Shouto's suspicion, but... he doesn't respond either. He just doesn't want to say the words out loud, as if it might give them legitimacy. ]

[ Silence is an answer in and of itself. One he understands in the way his hands tense under his hand, and his head tilts down further. ]

Are you Allen or Nea right now?

[ He runs his thumb over the back of his palm in a rhythmic up and down. ]

[ The motion is soothing and he appreciates it, finding his anxieties softened far more than he would have thought by something so simple. It makes him want to just take his hand and hold it -- but that question also makes Allen sputter. ]

I'm Allen! Of course I am!

[ was it???? really that hard to tell???? ]

[ You sound certain.

He nods, his thumb never ceasing that slow up-and-down motion. ]

Have you always been Allen here? In Trench?

[ Still reeling a bit from the previous question, Allen blinks and tries to focus on that line of reasoning before responding with a small huff. It's a little pouty. ]

Yes.

[ There's a beat, measuring the scope of his memories, making sure in retrospect there was nothing suspect, before he reaffirms his answer. ]

Always.

[ Still certain. He nods again, a thoughtful look in his eyes. Did you know, he thought about it when he blocked all the entrances with his ice? If he'd somehow missed the other persona in all their time together.

He found none. ]

It was easy to tell you apart.

[ That, finally, both takes Allen aback and knocks down the uneasiness in him. Mostly, at least. Good. Good, at least there was that, even if he's also afraid to ask how exactly he could tell.

Like a cautious stray, he hesitates for a moment, thoughtful, before the tension in his posture bleeds off and he realizes for the first time really how Shouto has been lightly stroking the back of his hand. An idle motion when he doesn't normally seem prone to something like that, so he's quiet as he lets that sink in. ]

I never want you to have to again. [ He says it very softly when finally he speaks, wanting more than anything to be able to promise he'd never have to again but even Allen knows that isn't something he's capable of promising.

Instead, he draws near. Letting his forehead touch Shouto's in a manner that's very quietly intimate. Delicate, and strangely vulnerable with the very faint way he leans into the contact, noses brushing together gently. ]

Thank you.

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