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deercountry2022-09-18 01:29 pm
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Entry tags:
All that I am
Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta
[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.
It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.
When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.
Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.
Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.
Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.
Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]
Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.
It's also too late.
Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.
They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta
[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.
It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.
When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.
Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.
Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.
Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.
Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]
Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.
It's also too late.
Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.
They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]
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For him... this isn't the first time someone's been hurt because of his Innocence. Because he lost control of it. Even if it was because he went unconscious that doesn't really make it any better--
Every part of his existence has been forged on top of swearing that hand serve to help others instead of hurt them. Because of his original sin.
It takes him a moment to really process the other half of what Shouto says, looking up finally with a tear-stained face as his fingers press against Allen's in response. As he did...? You aren't talking about the wound on his stomach are you, and for a moment he just holds his gaze somewhat miserably as he tries to process his feelings. What he should do.
And even after all of that, you still— ]
Shouto... [ He begins, but seems unsure of where to go with it. Just trails off teary-eyed as he presses his fingers gently back against Shouto's finally, biting his lip and just—
He just bows his head, leaning his forehead against his shoulder and just staying like that. Teary and shaky, but staying. ]
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His name, uttered in hesitation, roots him to the spot, sending his mind scrambling for a response that isn't to cling to him the way he did with his mother, smothering her in the process. When Allen bows his head, placing his weight on his shoulder, it's exactly the green light he's been waiting for. He instantly wraps an arm around him into a tight embrace, holding him the way he wanted from the start. ]
I'm here. I'm not leaving.
[ His stance from the start. ]
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Just... Allen isn't sure if he's the one who should be here.
But he lets out a shaky breath at that, at the arms circling around him, and his voice cracks in a strangled but relieved sound as he sags against Shouto. Arms circling around him in return, and he grips tight at the fabric at his sides.
I know, but I wonder if I shouldn't have let myself think it was safe to be around others so soon... ]
I'm not either. [ Not because of Nea and not... because of something else. He says it soft and low, a little hoarse with his face still hidden against his now-damp shoulder, and with a note of finality. I can't do that to you, that is something Allen knows clearly even if he's unsure about a lot. But...
...if I feel like I'm just going to hurt you again, I might have to.
But that he doesn't say aloud, and just holds on more tightly for now. ]
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What brought them together was their innate need to safeguard the most vulnerable among them. A fundamental part of their character, it bridged the gap that seemed impossible to cross. ]
...
[ Allen's rough voice captures his attention. His tears from earlier, coupled with the way he clings to him now, clue him into what would have been impossible to miss for anyone else. Gently, he rubs his back with the palm of his hand while his thoughts catch up with his heart. ]
Stay then.
[ He whispers, breath warm against his ear. ]
We'll heal together.
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What drew him towards Shouto from almost the very beginning was something he would be hard pressed to point to. It was nothing he said, nothing that was overt. It was the quiet sort of aloneness he exuded that Allen has always found sad that made him want to reach out. Not because he was compelled to try and fix him though, or save him from that.
It was because he recognized it as like his own, and wanted to answer it. And would keep reaching out towards what he knew had to be there beneath the muted expressions and quiet demeanor.
We'll heal together— Allen exhales softly like that, and tension rolls off him as he tucks his face into the crook of his neck and for all outward appearances seems comforted. Even if he isn't reassured. Not even a little. Part of him is, but the other part just worries more.
He's quiet for a moment, just processing that, before he straights so he can look at him. Very quiet, and very serious in his gentle manner. With a hard to read sort of expression, his grey eyes gentle, but... a little uneasy too. Uncertain, and questioning.
Maybe he shouldn't say anything and just leave it at that, but-- ]
...Isn't there anything you want to ask me? [ Most people would. ]
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Did the wound heal? [ He asks, arms resting on either side of him. ] The one your Innoncene was protecting?
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Normally it would remind him that maybe he should go find more clothes, a robe at least, but he's still a bit too numb and rattled to bring himself to care about that or even notice he's cold when Shouto drops his arms. ]
Mn. It's been healed the entire time I've been in Trench.
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Silent in his observation of him, his rising concern is smothered by a muted expression. ]
Allen... We never left Trench.
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We did. Somehow. Maybe not entirely physically, but an important part of ourselves at least. [ His eyes drift down to his left hand at that too, lingering on it in a reflective and somber manner. ]
It was different the moment arrived. Something started to change.
[ Something in him, and realizing it is what made him get more skittish over time. How his powers felt more like they used to-- how his body felt like it was dialing back to how it should have been at that period in his memories for that place. Putting the Fourteenth aside, he's two lifeforms in one. A perfectly blended merge of human and inhuman, of human and Innocence, each with their own wills and desires. If the nature of his Innocence shifts, he realizes that. The nature of his power relies on being in tune with it and himself, and it is part of his body very physically. He's been very self-aware in that sense ever since Crown Clown first awoke and he realized the importance of having that self-awareness.
And ultimately, as it shifted so too did the thing he was dreading that would explain why his wound would re-open there and close again here. ]
'He' was there.
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[ He confirms, gently brushing up against his omen. Her presence in his mind settles some of his rising concern. It crests and slowly starts to ebb back down like a receding tide.
It's that moment of self-awareness, finding himself whole again, that helps him see just how out of sorts Allen seems. Is something wrong? ]
Do you mean... Nea?
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Yes.
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Is he here now?
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But -- he hesitates a moment then. Gaze flickers down as his mouth presses together and brows knit. That is what he believes and what his clearer mind and not-feverish state confirm, and yet...
And yet Allen's hands ball up into light fists against his thigh, too. ]
I don't think so.
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You don't know, do you?
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Almost as if in shame.
It's a telling response when normally Allen always has one, all but shaking his head to confirm Shouto's suspicion, but... he doesn't respond either. He just doesn't want to say the words out loud, as if it might give them legitimacy. ]
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Are you Allen or Nea right now?
[ He runs his thumb over the back of his palm in a rhythmic up and down. ]
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I'm Allen! Of course I am!
[ was it???? really that hard to tell???? ]
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He nods, his thumb never ceasing that slow up-and-down motion. ]
Have you always been Allen here? In Trench?
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Yes.
[ There's a beat, measuring the scope of his memories, making sure in retrospect there was nothing suspect, before he reaffirms his answer. ]
Always.
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He found none. ]
It was easy to tell you apart.
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Like a cautious stray, he hesitates for a moment, thoughtful, before the tension in his posture bleeds off and he realizes for the first time really how Shouto has been lightly stroking the back of his hand. An idle motion when he doesn't normally seem prone to something like that, so he's quiet as he lets that sink in. ]
I never want you to have to again. [ He says it very softly when finally he speaks, wanting more than anything to be able to promise he'd never have to again but even Allen knows that isn't something he's capable of promising.
Instead, he draws near. Letting his forehead touch Shouto's in a manner that's very quietly intimate. Delicate, and strangely vulnerable with the very faint way he leans into the contact, noses brushing together gently. ]
Thank you.
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[ He says softly, letting himself feel that long-ago sorrow that welled up inside him every time he thought of his death. I don't think that will ever change. He thinks, feeling Kizu stir inside him, offering comfort as he focuses on the back-and-forth movement. It helps him stay focused. ]
I don't feel that way anymore.
[ He admits, wrapping his free arm around his back in a comforting gesture. His eyes close out of habit when Allen draws near, and open to take in the whole of him, close and comforting the way he's never felt about anyone. ]
I didn't mind speaking with him. [ He whispers, catching the stormy grey in his view. ] I did mind not being able to speak with you.
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Allen blinks at that, surprise clear but soft on his face as he wasn't expecting that comparison. You felt that way about even the few times he spoke with Dabi after? You could have said something, he thinks while curving under the arm he loops around him. It melts the last thought of trying to pull away and touches on something peaceful in his heart, and Allen responds in kind by wrapping his free arm around Shouto's shoulders and leaning into him. A silent acquiescence that says yes, we're okay. He's okay.
It'll be okay.
It's always been comforting to hold and be held by him, but there was a turning point the other night too. A important one that went entirely unspoken, kissing while tangled up in only the sheets and holding onto each other. One Allen only half-understands still with everything else that's been happening that hasn't given him time to process, but that he understands is rooted in how wholly comfortable he is with anything Shouto does. How even he, who normally dislikes not being covered from head to toe in multiple layers and masks inside out out, suddenly realized just how much he wanted to feel that sort of skin-on-skin intimacy and found it somehow the most comforting thing of all.
Vulnerable-feeling, but not scary. Not anxious.
But that's such an important point Shouto is making, one Allen knows has to be a cornerstone in understanding his feelings, but he can't quite follow. What do you mean you don't mind speaking with him, or... him?
He nuzzles at him gently again, hair meshing red and white and brushing noses together lovingly as their lips ghost past each other in a not-quite-kiss, his thumb comes up to rub along the side of his hand in the same sort of idle soothing. ]
I don't know if I understand. [ So help him to? He whispers it back just as softly, peeking to catch the teal flash of his left eye. ]
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He reads the underlying message in the way he cuddles into him, noses bumping, lips ghosting near his making him think he's going to kiss him, but he doesn't. Sometimes you move too fast for him to catch up, you know. While he's contemplating how to respond to one thing, you've already moved to another. He tries to pivot and respond to that instead, but by then, there's lips near his, and his thoughts short circuit. Did you mean to kiss him or was that by accident? From an outsider's point of view, he seems to respond to little, probably not catching the way his blood heats and cools at the prospect of being smothered by someone he cares for. He likes it. Yet, at the same time, there's so much to respond to it overloads him. Maybe that's why he welcomes the question that follows. Giving him room to breathe without breaking the contact he's always wanted.
It takes him a moment focus on him, his breath coming out cold when he taps into that side of him to cool down the churning heat in his stomach. If Allen pays attention, he'll also find him warm on his left side, a counter to the cool mist that swirls in front of his mouth for a few seconds before disappearing. ]
Nea. [ He starts from the beginning. ] I thought he was a ghost at first. He corrected that assumption, and I locked him in our room with my ice. He told me things about your past to get under my skin, probably hoping I'd make a mistake and let him escape.
It didn't work.
[ There were precious few people in Trench who could pull that off, and they were all from his world, aside from Allen. ]
I could speak with him... I didn't mind speaking with him.[ He adds after a moment. ] But, [ his voice goes an octave lower, clearly disliking this next part ] I didn't like the way he exploited your body and past to get his way.
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But the pit of Allen's stomach drops and goes stone cold when he says Nea told him things about his past and this close Shouto can probably feel how he tenses up again at that. Just... what did he tell you? Were they lies, or... It's something he partially chickens out on asking, but mostly is more than grateful to let slide as Shouto continues on.
He just...talked? It's a surprising revelation to Allen, but his expression softens a little then in thoughtfulness and he doesn't reply at first. Not for trying to dodge an answer, but for not being sure what it would be, or how he even feels about that. ]
I don't really know that much about him, to be honest. [ I never did, and his gaze drifts aside for a moment with a heaviness that seems somewhat guilty. His thumb fidgets lightly against Shouto's, drawing comfort from the sheltering cocoon of the embrace. ]
Much of anything, really.
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