deercountry | All that I am

Entry tags:

All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ Shouto drops his arms almost immediately after the initial movement to give Allen room to breathe. He looks at him, expression radiating a quiet concern at the pointed question. ]

Did the wound heal? [ He asks, arms resting on either side of him. ] The one your Innoncene was protecting?

[ Not expecting that among all the possibilities, Allen glances down as if to check that himself and touches the edge of the puckered scar hesitantly, his expression a little conflicted and uncertain. Heavy and thoughtful. It's a healed wound, the scars still fresher and angrier looking than the giant one that cleaves him from shoulder to hip, but-- closed, and not looking infected anymore.

Normally it would remind him that maybe he should go find more clothes, a robe at least, but he's still a bit too numb and rattled to bring himself to care about that or even notice he's cold when Shouto drops his arms. ]

Mn. It's been healed the entire time I've been in Trench.

[ It's the one that matters to him the most after spending so long caring for him while he was unconscious, not knowing whether he'd wake up or not when he had no clue what had caused it. He told you from the start, you were the priority, yet they ended up exactly what he'd tried to avoid from the start. A foreigner in a foreign land with someone to protect, and no idea what you suddenly collapsed or what those feathers were or why they attacked him.

Silent in his observation of him, his rising concern is smothered by a muted expression. ]

Allen... We never left Trench.

[ Allen shakes his head at that, clear and certain on that point even if on very little else. ]

We did. Somehow. Maybe not entirely physically, but an important part of ourselves at least. [ His eyes drift down to his left hand at that too, lingering on it in a reflective and somber manner. ]

It was different the moment arrived. Something started to change.

[ Something in him, and realizing it is what made him get more skittish over time. How his powers felt more like they used to-- how his body felt like it was dialing back to how it should have been at that period in his memories for that place. Putting the Fourteenth aside, he's two lifeforms in one. A perfectly blended merge of human and inhuman, of human and Innocence, each with their own wills and desires. If the nature of his Innocence shifts, he realizes that. The nature of his power relies on being in tune with it and himself, and it is part of his body very physically. He's been very self-aware in that sense ever since Crown Clown first awoke and he realized the importance of having that self-awareness.

And ultimately, as it shifted so too did the thing he was dreading that would explain why his wound would re-open there and close again here. ]

'He' was there.

Edited 2023-06-17 02:09 (UTC)

Kizu and Tim weren't there.

[ He confirms, gently brushing up against his omen. Her presence in his mind settles some of his rising concern. It crests and slowly starts to ebb back down like a receding tide.

It's that moment of self-awareness, finding himself whole again, that helps him see just how out of sorts Allen seems. Is something wrong? ]

Do you mean... Nea?

[ Allen's eyes immediately flick up to meet Shouto's at that, locking with his heterochromatic ones in a moment of sobered silence. Answering with just his look for a moment before he speaks, expression clear and transparent. ]

Yes.

[ He meets his gaze with a silent one. ]

Is he here now?

No. [ It's an immediate, instinctive answer.

But -- he hesitates a moment then. Gaze flickers down as his mouth presses together and brows knit. That is what he believes and what his clearer mind and not-feverish state confirm, and yet...

And yet Allen's hands ball up into light fists against his thigh, too. ]

I don't think so.

[ He'd believe him if he said no. He'd believe him if he said yes. But that indecision... He sets his hand over his, a quiet presence. ]

You don't know, do you?

[ There's no response. He blinks for a moment when Shouto's hand covers his own, a softer sort of surprise flickering across his face, but... his expression becomes drawn again when the question is posed. Hands gripping tighter as his nails dig lightly into his palm and his head bows, as if there's a very heavy weight on his shoulders.

Almost as if in shame.

It's a telling response when normally Allen always has one, all but shaking his head to confirm Shouto's suspicion, but... he doesn't respond either. He just doesn't want to say the words out loud, as if it might give them legitimacy. ]

[ Silence is an answer in and of itself. One he understands in the way his hands tense under his hand, and his head tilts down further. ]

Are you Allen or Nea right now?

[ He runs his thumb over the back of his palm in a rhythmic up and down. ]

[ The motion is soothing and he appreciates it, finding his anxieties softened far more than he would have thought by something so simple. It makes him want to just take his hand and hold it -- but that question also makes Allen sputter. ]

I'm Allen! Of course I am!

[ was it???? really that hard to tell???? ]

[ You sound certain.

He nods, his thumb never ceasing that slow up-and-down motion. ]

Have you always been Allen here? In Trench?

[ Still reeling a bit from the previous question, Allen blinks and tries to focus on that line of reasoning before responding with a small huff. It's a little pouty. ]

Yes.

[ There's a beat, measuring the scope of his memories, making sure in retrospect there was nothing suspect, before he reaffirms his answer. ]

Always.

[ Still certain. He nods again, a thoughtful look in his eyes. Did you know, he thought about it when he blocked all the entrances with his ice? If he'd somehow missed the other persona in all their time together.

He found none. ]

It was easy to tell you apart.

[ That, finally, both takes Allen aback and knocks down the uneasiness in him. Mostly, at least. Good. Good, at least there was that, even if he's also afraid to ask how exactly he could tell.

Like a cautious stray, he hesitates for a moment, thoughtful, before the tension in his posture bleeds off and he realizes for the first time really how Shouto has been lightly stroking the back of his hand. An idle motion when he doesn't normally seem prone to something like that, so he's quiet as he lets that sink in. ]

I never want you to have to again. [ He says it very softly when finally he speaks, wanting more than anything to be able to promise he'd never have to again but even Allen knows that isn't something he's capable of promising.

Instead, he draws near. Letting his forehead touch Shouto's in a manner that's very quietly intimate. Delicate, and strangely vulnerable with the very faint way he leans into the contact, noses brushing together gently. ]

Thank you.

For a while... that's how I felt about you speaking with my brother.

[ He says softly, letting himself feel that long-ago sorrow that welled up inside him every time he thought of his death. I don't think that will ever change. He thinks, feeling Kizu stir inside him, offering comfort as he focuses on the back-and-forth movement. It helps him stay focused. ]

I don't feel that way anymore.

[ He admits, wrapping his free arm around his back in a comforting gesture. His eyes close out of habit when Allen draws near, and open to take in the whole of him, close and comforting the way he's never felt about anyone. ]

I didn't mind speaking with him. [ He whispers, catching the stormy grey in his view. ] I did mind not being able to speak with you.

Edited 2023-06-18 22:59 (UTC)

[ His brother? Touya?

Allen blinks at that, surprise clear but soft on his face as he wasn't expecting that comparison. You felt that way about even the few times he spoke with Dabi after? You could have said something, he thinks while curving under the arm he loops around him. It melts the last thought of trying to pull away and touches on something peaceful in his heart, and Allen responds in kind by wrapping his free arm around Shouto's shoulders and leaning into him. A silent acquiescence that says yes, we're okay. He's okay.

It'll be okay.

It's always been comforting to hold and be held by him, but there was a turning point the other night too. A important one that went entirely unspoken, kissing while tangled up in only the sheets and holding onto each other. One Allen only half-understands still with everything else that's been happening that hasn't given him time to process, but that he understands is rooted in how wholly comfortable he is with anything Shouto does. How even he, who normally dislikes not being covered from head to toe in multiple layers and masks inside out out, suddenly realized just how much he wanted to feel that sort of skin-on-skin intimacy and found it somehow the most comforting thing of all.

Vulnerable-feeling, but not scary. Not anxious.

But that's such an important point Shouto is making, one Allen knows has to be a cornerstone in understanding his feelings, but he can't quite follow. What do you mean you don't mind speaking with him, or... him?

He nuzzles at him gently again, hair meshing red and white and brushing noses together lovingly as their lips ghost past each other in a not-quite-kiss, his thumb comes up to rub along the side of his hand in the same sort of idle soothing. ]

I don't know if I understand. [ So help him to? He whispers it back just as softly, peeking to catch the teal flash of his left eye. ]

Edited 2023-06-18 23:50 (UTC)

[ It's a turning point in their relationship that he deems to speak of it now, months after he's come to terms with his feelings about it. Those times when he brought up an encounter with Dabi, Shouto would hold his mind very still, needing a moment to separate the unmistakable unease that surged unexpectedly, reconciling it with the outcome of their encounter.

He reads the underlying message in the way he cuddles into him, noses bumping, lips ghosting near his making him think he's going to kiss him, but he doesn't. Sometimes you move too fast for him to catch up, you know. While he's contemplating how to respond to one thing, you've already moved to another. He tries to pivot and respond to that instead, but by then, there's lips near his, and his thoughts short circuit. Did you mean to kiss him or was that by accident? From an outsider's point of view, he seems to respond to little, probably not catching the way his blood heats and cools at the prospect of being smothered by someone he cares for. He likes it. Yet, at the same time, there's so much to respond to it overloads him. Maybe that's why he welcomes the question that follows. Giving him room to breathe without breaking the contact he's always wanted.

It takes him a moment focus on him, his breath coming out cold when he taps into that side of him to cool down the churning heat in his stomach. If Allen pays attention, he'll also find him warm on his left side, a counter to the cool mist that swirls in front of his mouth for a few seconds before disappearing. ]

Nea. [ He starts from the beginning. ] I thought he was a ghost at first. He corrected that assumption, and I locked him in our room with my ice. He told me things about your past to get under my skin, probably hoping I'd make a mistake and let him escape.

It didn't work.

[ There were precious few people in Trench who could pull that off, and they were all from his world, aside from Allen. ]

I could speak with him... I didn't mind speaking with him.[ He adds after a moment. ] But, [ his voice goes an octave lower, clearly disliking this next part ] I didn't like the way he exploited your body and past to get his way.

[ With his arm slung across Shouto's shoulders he can tell when one side of him heats up more than the other, not finding that surprising on its own, but he does blink to feel the light chill of breath against his cheek. One and then also the other. Counterbalancing. He figured that out before, realizing it was often tied to some surge in feeling that was being tempered, but... what? So he blinks lightly, focusing more intently on his expression and trying to read it. Grey eyes flickering lightly between Shouto's mismatched ones, drifting to his mouth, and then coming back up again. Left-right, left-right.

But the pit of Allen's stomach drops and goes stone cold when he says Nea told him things about his past and this close Shouto can probably feel how he tenses up again at that. Just... what did he tell you? Were they lies, or... It's something he partially chickens out on asking, but mostly is more than grateful to let slide as Shouto continues on.

He just...talked? It's a surprising revelation to Allen, but his expression softens a little then in thoughtfulness and he doesn't reply at first. Not for trying to dodge an answer, but for not being sure what it would be, or how he even feels about that. ]

I don't really know that much about him, to be honest. [ I never did, and his gaze drifts aside for a moment with a heaviness that seems somewhat guilty. His thumb fidgets lightly against Shouto's, drawing comfort from the sheltering cocoon of the embrace. ]

Much of anything, really.

[ This time there's no need to think about his response when he feels Allen tense in his arms. There's heat on his lower back where his palm rubs a small circle to ease the tension in his muscles.

Nea talked about a lot of things. Most he didn't understand in context. All left him with more questions than answers, but he asked about none, recognizing the ill-intent behind his words. Did he have questions? Yes, many. Would he ever voice them? No. Like his unease with Allen speaking with Touya. It was a feeling he couldn't deny but paled in comparison to more prominent feelings. Besides, the idea that Allen might avoid his brother because of him was more abhorrent to him than the unease he felt. It was the same feeling with Nea. The idea that Allen might feel uneasy around him for what he knew about his past was abhorrent to him.

He didn't 'just talk', he attacked him. But that wasn't what stayed him. It was the way he seemed to keep Allen at bay that struck him to his core. To know there was someone who could smother him very being was too familiar to his own fears of smothering him with his feelings. It got under his skin, and he'd made a mistake, giving Nea a chance to attack him. If Allen wanted to know more, if he asked him more, then he'd tell him. For now, he keeps adding heat to ease the tension. ]

Do you want to know more about him?

[ He asks, noticing the way his thumb fidgets against his. It shifts his focus, bringing his thumb to a standstill, and he lifts Allen's hand up to his lips, planting a kiss on the inside of his hand without contemplating what he's doing further than the urge that prompted the response. ]

[ Awe-touched, Allen is surprised when he lifts his hand up in the middle of their talk to kiss it in such a chaste yet intimate manner. Staring quietly, but only because it makes his heart swell with an affection that yes, has been so solidly there for months, but that almost aches now with realizing how sweet that is.

You're comforting me. He knew that before, it was obvious of course that they both wanted to comfort each other, but... the thoroughness of it with such a gentle diligence is what strikes him now. How that kind of gesture-- it speaks of quiet devotion.

He shivers a little too when Shouto presses his lips to the much more sensitive skin of his palm, sending a prickle of gooseflesh over his bare skin, and his arm winds more snugly across his shoulders. ]

Yes. [ It's said with clear eyes and a simple sort of certainty, his fingers fanning gently along the edge of Shouto's cheek from where he'd raised his hand. He'd made his mind up on that years ago, after all. Correcting one of his first mistakes, and how his bias against Nea had blinded him at first.

Leaning in, as naturally as Shouto had raised his hand to kiss it, Allen presses his lips softly against his temple. Soft and sweet, like a promise, and following his lead with the next step in a quiet sort of dance. ]

If I knew more, then I might be able to change something.

Edited 2023-06-19 02:28 (UTC)

[ Comforting him in the way he knew Allen preferred. Holding him, running a hand down his back, kissing him. It's his response to his earlier display of affection. Delayed, of course. He's always needed time to catch up. It doesn't dampen his feelings, though. It only makes him more certain of them.

His eyes close behind red and white lashes. The kiss sparks exactly what Allen intended. He doesn't need to tell him how he feels, he can feel it in the tender way he kisses him, filling his heart with a kind of heat that fed his fire.

He exhales softly, eyes opening slowly, focusing on him. The urge to kiss him, paramount in his mind. It's such a strange feeling, letting himself want. It melds two opposing sides into one. ]

Do you know what you want to ask him?

Edited 2023-06-19 03:04 (UTC)

[ He wants to kiss you too, the urge becoming very strong when Shouto exhales so quietly and opens his eyes, but Allen smiles very softly instead and tucks it and the thrill of slight butterflies aside. He's long-used to tucking his wants aside to not be acted on nor thought about, not that he's ever had to really struggle with this kind of want before either. Not that he has any reason to hold back from kissing him in general now, but the seriousness of the conversation makes him resist.

But he looks forward to kissing him later. A lot.

But the question makes him hesitate for a moment, the smile slipping as he considers how -- very obvious that is. And yet, ]

I... hadn't thought about that before. [ Shifting a little restlessly for a second at being caught without a good answer for something he probably should have one for, shouldn't he, he shakes his head lightly. ]

Before-- The last thing I remembered before I woke up here.. I'd been trying to retrace my master's footsteps to find out what he'd known.

[ It's the same reason he holds back too. This is important to Allen, and that alone, makes it easy to keep holding him and not press for him. He likes this, too, after all. Talking to him like this in the middle of the night, listening to what's important to him, even if he didn't have an answer. They could explore the notion together. ]

About Nea?

[ He asks for clarification as a thought strikes him. ]

Wouldn't it be easier to ask him directly?

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