Heavy Rock in the Dark Night (Open)

[bardbarous]

Who: Tuck bardbarous, Billie wapples, various
What: Eliminating a crawling terror in Tuck and Vyng's bar
When: late Sept
Where: Colonel Dan's bar

Content Warnings: Applicable content warnings go here.

Sentient Zukes on the Prowl

[ They've found the large jar the sentient amalgam likely came from. A wet trail covers the liquor shelf where it must have crawled away. Or scooted. Maybe walked? Probably doesn't have legs.

But just to be sure, Tuck dips the tip of his pinkie into the puddle around the shattered jar and brings it to his tongue for a taste. It's incredibly salty. ]

Hm. Brine. It's definitely intelligent zucchini.

Aftermath

[ Whether you helped exterminate the creature that grew out of their own negligence or braved emphysema cleaning the years of dust and cobwebs, there's a reward waiting with your name on it.

Tuck is standing behind the bar with a clean(?) glass. ]

Hey! Come get your drinks! Or, uh, friendship, if you went with that reward.

Comments

[jedies]

Yes?

[bardbarous]

... Okay, but you used "shouldn't." And that's, that's tripping me up. Is that, ah, modesty or am I about to sacrifice myself for a fifty-fifty shot?

[jedies]

[ ah. ]

So you're worried about my skills?

[bardbarous]

Yeah. You're a nerd.

[ As if that wasn't obvious. ]

[jedies]

And that is an issue because?

[bardbarous]

... Do you not know what a nerd is? They wear thick glasses and they drop their textbooks in school, and then everyone laughs at them! And, and they can't punch, so they're worthless in a fight!

[jedies]

Do I look worthless in a fight to you?

[bardbarous]

Yes. You are wearing a robe! You know who wears robes?

[ Yep, you guessed it, Obi-wan. ]

[jedies]

Wizards?

[bardbarous]

... [ His stare turns inward for a moment as he considers that answer. ] I was gonna say nerds, but yeah. Wizards, too.

[ From a dark corner—on the ceiling? Behind the bar? Hiding in the booths?—a low gurgle begins. It grows louder, like water spilling over the lip of a bathtub. And then it ends with a wet splat. Nothing after that. ]

Okay, fine. You can fight, or not! Just find me something I can use for boobs.

[ With that instruction given, Tuck moves to a dusty table to pull off the tablecloth on top. ]

[jedies]

[ where is he supposed to find fake cleavage? obi-wan spots two cups and tosses them tuck's way. good enough, he imagines. ]

[bardbarous]

[ Maybe a heads up would have been a good idea, because Tuck takes the first cup in the tit. Thankfully, it bounces off his meaty chest harmlessly and clatters onto the table in front of him.

Flexing one pectoral, then the other, he sticks the cups to his chest with just suction and a little can-do spirit! The table cloth, Tuck wraps around his torso as the world's shittiest dress, but it makes his cup boobs very perky! ]

Do I look hot?

[ He poses against the table. One leg is popped behind him like a pin-up girl, giving bedroom eyes at Obi-Wan over one massive shoulder. ]

[jedies]

. . . That's one word for it.

[bardbarous]

Great. Hot.

[ He won't read into Obi-wan's comment any further than that. ]

I'm going in.

[ Tuck is all hips as he sashays to the middle of the bar with one hand on his waist (mostly to keep the "dress" on). And when he speaks, his voice takes on a terrible high-pitched cockney accent. ]

Ohhh, what's a blind woman to do? If only ah had a big strong pickle to have sex with and cure mah blindness!

[ Behind him Tuck gives Obi-wan a thumbs up. ]

[jedies]

[ obi-wan sighs, preparing himself. ]