Heavy Rock in the Dark Night (Open)

[bardbarous]

Who: Tuck bardbarous, Billie wapples, various
What: Eliminating a crawling terror in Tuck and Vyng's bar
When: late Sept
Where: Colonel Dan's bar

Content Warnings: Applicable content warnings go here.

Sentient Zukes on the Prowl

[ They've found the large jar the sentient amalgam likely came from. A wet trail covers the liquor shelf where it must have crawled away. Or scooted. Maybe walked? Probably doesn't have legs.

But just to be sure, Tuck dips the tip of his pinkie into the puddle around the shattered jar and brings it to his tongue for a taste. It's incredibly salty. ]

Hm. Brine. It's definitely intelligent zucchini.

Aftermath

[ Whether you helped exterminate the creature that grew out of their own negligence or braved emphysema cleaning the years of dust and cobwebs, there's a reward waiting with your name on it.

Tuck is standing behind the bar with a clean(?) glass. ]

Hey! Come get your drinks! Or, uh, friendship, if you went with that reward.

Comments

Sentient Zukes on the Prowl

[schoolingfish]

[Luca shows up, eager to help with the mystery creature, just like he said he would on the network.]

Hi! I'm here to see the creature. I mean...I'm here to be bait and help catch the creature. And also clean out the bar.

[He thinks about it for a moment.]

But once we find the it we should probably see if it's friendly or not, because it might be nice.

[bardbarous]

Uhh, [ Tuck lets out a breath of air, not quite a sigh. Something he generally saves for Billie when he's overly optimistic. ] yeah, we'll see. I'd say most things in Trench don't end up friendly, though, buddy.

[ Tuck picks up one of the large tables with one arm and places it elsewhere to make room for their trap. ]

Okay, so I've got the box, the string, a stick. The, uh, box isn't that big, so... act small, you got it?

[schoolingfish]

I know, but maybe we'll be lucky this time.

[He does want to give the thing a chance, at least. As Tuck explains the trap, though, Luca starts to feel a bit concerned.]

Wait, so will I be in the box with the thing when we catch it?

[Because that's important to know. In case it's not friendly.]

[bardbarous]

[ His question stops Tuck in his tracks. ]

... Huh. Yeah. I guess that's how it'd shake out. Okay, new plan! Uh, hmm...

[schoolingfish]

[Seeing that Tuck is struggling to think of a new plan, Luca pauses, considering it himself.]

So what's the box made out of, anyway?

[bardbarous]

Just wood. It's an old liquor crate.

Oh! I got it! What if I gave you a knife? Ehh? Then you could defend yourself if it's violent!

[schoolingfish]

Um...maybe that would work.

[He at least likes that better than being trapped in a box unarmed (aside from his venom, which he really shouldn't discount) with a creature that may or may not be aggressive.]

Or maybe I could hold the box up, and if it goes for my legs I could drop the box on it and sit on top!

[bardbarous]

Yeah! You're fast enough! [ Hopefully. ] And I'll be here to defend you! Now, get out there and be the best bait you can be!

[schoolingfish]

All right, give me the box!

[He's ready to do this! This seems way safer than him trying to fight off a creature with a knife while trapped in a box, after all, and it means if he gets into any real trouble Tuck will see what's going on and know to step in. Besides, Luca knows he's fast, so he's got this!]

[bardbarous]

Yeah, that's the spirit!

[ He sets the crate upside down by Luca to take and set up in the middle of the bar. Tuck might be all smiles as he crouches down behind a table just out of sight, but inside he is sweating bullets.

Oh fuuuck, this kid better not die! ]

[schoolingfish]

[Luca, of course, is completely oblivious to any concern or any reason for concern. The smile is enough to reassure him that there's nothing to worry about.]

Okay, let's do this!

[He then grabs the box and heads out to the middle of the bar, flipping it so the opening is facing down, and waits for a creature to come and attack his legs so he can catch it.

sentient zukes

[eudaimonikos]

[Michael - entirely against his better judgement - did in fact allow himself to be bullied into showing up at the bar! He even brought a broom!]

Oh. Is that just a thing we have now?

[bardbarous]

Yes, Michael. It is.

[ Tuck snaps back at the peanut gallery behind him. And almost in response, there's a strange splat from one corner of the bar, then silence. ]

It's gonna pick us off one by one.

[ He has no basis in fact for his speculation. ]

[eudaimonikos]

What's it gonna do, choke us to death?

[bardbarous]

Or eat us, or absorb us! Don't you read romance novels?! This is a classic setup.

[eudaimonikos]

What does any of that have to do with romance?

[bardbarous]

I dunno, Michael! I'm not the one writing them! It's an integral theme in a lot of romance books. Now, stop culture shaming and help!

Use your broom to flush it out, and I'll split it with my ax.

[eudaimonikos]

Geez, okay...

[He'll...poke with the broom?]

( sentient zukes )

[jedies]

[ obi-wan rubs his forehead briefly. ]

I'm not convinced.

[bardbarous]

Well, then it's a good thing I am!

[ Tuck slaps the bar counter with the confidence of an idiot. ]

Billie stabbed it a couple of times on the floor. Didn't slow it down and it didn't bleed. So, it's gotta be zucchini brought to life.

[jedies]

Well, since you've clearly exhausted all other options, now what?

[bardbarous]

You still saying "no" to playing bait?

[jedies]

Yes. Quite firmly.

[bardbarous]

Obi-buzzkill Kenobi! All right, fine. I'll seduce the zucchini! You going to be quick enough to catch it?

[jedies]

That shouldn't be an issue.

[bardbarous]

[ Tuck doesn't respond right away, because he—well, he expects the man to say a bit more. Him, Vyng, and Billie are practically seamless when they fight. Rarely do they have to pass any commands to each other.

With this nerd, Tuck has no clue what he's capable of or if they will work well together. So, he keeps... staring at Obi-wan, waiting for more. ]

[jedies]

Yes?

[bardbarous]

... Okay, but you used "shouldn't." And that's, that's tripping me up. Is that, ah, modesty or am I about to sacrifice myself for a fifty-fifty shot?

[jedies]

[ ah. ]

So you're worried about my skills?

[bardbarous]

Yeah. You're a nerd.

[ As if that wasn't obvious. ]

[jedies]

And that is an issue because?

[bardbarous]

... Do you not know what a nerd is? They wear thick glasses and they drop their textbooks in school, and then everyone laughs at them! And, and they can't punch, so they're worthless in a fight!

[jedies]

Do I look worthless in a fight to you?

[bardbarous]

Yes. You are wearing a robe! You know who wears robes?

[ Yep, you guessed it, Obi-wan. ]

[jedies]

Wizards?

[bardbarous]

... [ His stare turns inward for a moment as he considers that answer. ] I was gonna say nerds, but yeah. Wizards, too.

[ From a dark corner—on the ceiling? Behind the bar? Hiding in the booths?—a low gurgle begins. It grows louder, like water spilling over the lip of a bathtub. And then it ends with a wet splat. Nothing after that. ]

Okay, fine. You can fight, or not! Just find me something I can use for boobs.

[ With that instruction given, Tuck moves to a dusty table to pull off the tablecloth on top. ]

[jedies]

[ where is he supposed to find fake cleavage? obi-wan spots two cups and tosses them tuck's way. good enough, he imagines. ]

[bardbarous]

[ Maybe a heads up would have been a good idea, because Tuck takes the first cup in the tit. Thankfully, it bounces off his meaty chest harmlessly and clatters onto the table in front of him.

Flexing one pectoral, then the other, he sticks the cups to his chest with just suction and a little can-do spirit! The table cloth, Tuck wraps around his torso as the world's shittiest dress, but it makes his cup boobs very perky! ]

Do I look hot?

[ He poses against the table. One leg is popped behind him like a pin-up girl, giving bedroom eyes at Obi-Wan over one massive shoulder. ]

[jedies]

. . . That's one word for it.

[bardbarous]

Great. Hot.

[ He won't read into Obi-wan's comment any further than that. ]

I'm going in.

[ Tuck is all hips as he sashays to the middle of the bar with one hand on his waist (mostly to keep the "dress" on). And when he speaks, his voice takes on a terrible high-pitched cockney accent. ]

Ohhh, what's a blind woman to do? If only ah had a big strong pickle to have sex with and cure mah blindness!

[ Behind him Tuck gives Obi-wan a thumbs up. ]

[jedies]

[ obi-wan sighs, preparing himself. ]

[wapples]

[Billie has dragged a chair over to climb up on so he can also access the shelf. He just gives the brine trail one big lick. Right on the shelf. Just to confirm Tuck's suspicion. Never mind the broken glass, it's fine.

He shakes his head and makes a face as the vinegar taste hits.]

Yeah! It tastes like zucchini, too!

[bardbarous]

We've never faced an opponent so stupid before.

[ It's spoken with grimdark Batman voice as Tuck stares off into the void of their bar. ]

[wapples]

Yeah! Well. At least we'll be able to outsmart it.

[Surely, a zucchini can't be that smart, right?]

[bardbarous]

Y-Yeah... [ Tuck doesn't sound as convinced as Billie, but he pushes forward. ]

Okay, I'll lure it out with a war cry, and you can lie in wait. When it come for me, you snipe it!

[wapples]

[Surely, between the two of them they can take out a zucchini. Billie is sure of it. Even if it's a sentient Trench zucchini.]

Okay!

[Billie scampers off to take cover under a table to lie in wait for their quarry.]