hell to the rest of us here's to the things you love

[faceblocks]

Who: vi faceblocks, mike stayscared and various people
What: a catchall for december mostly feat. memshare things! i might put other things here, if time permits! starters are in the comments. ping me at eisdamme or eisdamme#7495 if you would like one.
When: throughout the month of december
Where: wherever in trench but mostly in memories.

Content Warnings: tba but probably child death, illness, suicide, parental death, violence, prison, drugs, disease, murder, mental/emotional/physical abuse.

Comments

[faceblocks]

[fingertips still on the antlered offering, vi isn't aware it's anything but a normal memory (that's even not in her thoughts at first, it's just happening. could be the first time, the hundredth time) until she sees the girl, and recognizes her from a time she hasn't yet (no, wait...) experienced? no, no, she has. she isn;t in the past, she's watching it. she's ...watching herself as chizuru takes her arm. now they're both watching it.]

I'm okay. [maybe in a moment that will be wholly true.]Are you? How did---

---we're in the Undercity. I ...don't know how this...

[maybe she does. hadn't she been mourning the past? the dead? powder isn't dead, but powder's gone, at least this version that she's looking at, the one she hears ask "what are we doing here?" in a voice that steals the wind from her. she points.]

We're in a memory. That's me ....and that's Pow---

[she can say it. it's true. she's not jinx yet. vi hadn't planted that seed yet, only mylo had, and not enough for it to blossom.]

---that's my sister, Powder.

[tealeafs]

.. miss Jinx?

[ It's not a conclusion Chizuru can draw from looking at the girls. Maybe it's the angle they're watching at, or maybe it's since Chizuru is so used to Jinx being.. well, Jinx, that she can hardly even recognize the girl sitting there.

Even Vi is kind of hard to recognize, though relatively easier. When Vi says it's her, Chizuru can at least tell. But this other girl, Powder.. the only way she knows it's Jinx is because she knows Vi and Jinx are sisters.

Unless they have even more sisters.

Chizuru gasps a little at the realisation, only managing to tear her gaze away from the two younger girls to look at Vi for a moment here. ]

This is.. your home.

[ There's a bit of a questioning edge to the end of that statement, since Chizuru isn't fully sure. But the pieces are slowly starting to click together a little bit better in her mind.

(Even if she still isn't letting go of Vi quite yet. Maybe Chizuru needs that bit of physical reassurance in this still kind of surprising situation.) ]

[faceblocks]

[vi doesn't mind if she holds fast to her arm. if anything, she'll draw chizuru just a little closer, gently, as if to prove that this is solid, this is somehow real, and should it choose to unpredictably shift, she's grounded. she's steady. she's solid. ]

This was our home. We're a long time off from Trench.

[it's the lanes as they were under vander's protection. to someone unfamiliar with what they became during silco's reign, they might seem dismal, dirty, dangerous. but there's beauty here if one looks for it. and it's with longing that vi looks on the echoes of her home, the echoes of her childhood, of the only family she remembers well.]

Yeah. Powder is "Miss Jinx".

[she can hear herself telling powder of claggor's embarrassing moment, of mylo's - and this is the one that she smiles the most at - even if it's a sad smile, even if her breath's a little unsteady seeing this. she can smell the toxic air, not as bad on this roof as it might be deeper down, and she looks to chizuru with concern - she doesn't have a mask, but there's a quiet resilience to the girl she's always been curious about - it goes deeper than politeness, than kindness, even. she hasn't been able to unpick it, but she wants to make sure the other will be okay ...however long this lasts.

powder's giggle at mylo's permanent ass-splotch makes her wince just a little and she can't help but flick her gaze toward the bunny. her bunny. it had come with jinx to trench - it's on her bed now.]

[tealeafs]

[ Chizuru's gaze seems drawn entirely to where the younger two girls are sitting, listening to their conversation. She has no idea what they're talking about, all sorts of references to names she doesn't know, and events she doesn't know about, but..

Despite her lack of knowledge, there's stuff she can notice. How close the two seem, for one. It kind of makes sense to her, since Jinx seemed - even in Trench - so sad when it seemed like Vi was paying more attention to someone else. Some people might have classified it as mad, but Chizuru feels like sadness was the true feeling underneath it.

They just want to be close. Jinx with Vi, but-- also Vi with Jinx, right? It's the first thing Chizuru had told the latter, that there was no way Vi would just abandon her in Trench. Chizuru can't imagine it.

And even less so as she's watching this, a fond conversation between sisters.

(Thankfully Chizuru seems fine otherwise. Her gaze is fixed on the scene in front of them, but it doesn't look like she's experiencing anything that's physically bad for her in this moment, other than the way she still seems a little nervous, clinging to Vi's arm.) ]

You two seem.. different. [ She softly says. ] N-Not in a bad way, I mean!

[ Her gaze quickly shifts to the older Vi, just for a moment, as if she wants to make sure Vi doesn't think she meant it in an actually bad way. ]

Just.. different from how you are now.

[faceblocks]

[chizuru is right about so many things.]

It was a long time ago. We were just kids. We were---

---we were different, yeah. Everything was different.

[(i thought maybe you could love me like you used to. even though i'm different) - she blinks away the thought, that's later, that's so much later there's no reason it needs to intrude on this moment. how different would this moment have been had she told powder yes to telling vander about the crystals. it's enough to make her take a step forward, to call out to herself, but the younger violet doesn't turn.]

I was a lot stupider. Powder was---

---I mean Jinx---

---s-she...

[this is where she stops, because what can she say without spilling out her own complicated mess of conflicting thoughts, without a betrayal of who jinx is now, but seeing this again, (again, again, again). oh, all right. she's started to cry.]

[tealeafs]

[ If there weren't more pressing things to say, Chizuru may have said that growing up doesn't necessarily mean becoming different. They're not the same thing. (She very much feels like the same person she was when she was younger, after all.)

But that doesn't feel important in the face of the other's emotions. Nothing does. The moment Chizuru watches Vi's shoulders move, the moment she hears those sounds coming from the other-- she knows what's going on, that tears are spilling out.

The other slipped out of Chizuru's grasp when she stepped forward, but the girl doesn't pay any mind to that either. She just lets Vi stand by herself for a moment, but does speak up. ]

.. miss Vi.

[ The name is most likely meant to pull the other's attention gently, without having to raise her voice. ]

If you want to talk about it.. you should. It's a good thing to get your feelings out there, you know..? [ Especially when it feels like there's so much Vi could say here, but isn't, constantly cutting herself off.

Like she's standing in her own way of talking about this. ]

If you don't mind it being me, I can listen. I will listen to you, for as long as you want.

[faceblocks]

[a wipe of her nose on her sleeve - futile, because she's not sure she's done with the tears, if she has any choice but to let them fall. maybe. there's less harm in her crying than in saying all the things she could say.]

I...I don't mind it being you. It's not that. I just...

...I really messed up, even here. I should have told Vander about those stones. I shouldn't have insisted we keep it a secret. Maybe if I'd told him, everything would be different. Better. [her face falls.] Maybe just different, I don't know. But even before this, if I hadn't taken us on that stupid heist, if I wasn't trying so hard to prove myself, maybe everyone would still be alive. Powder, too.

I know Jinx wouldn't want Powder back now. That's what she says. She wouldn't want to be Powder, but that's not what I mean. Maybe she'd be somewhere in the middle, and maybe we'd have been able to stay together.

[a shot in the dark, but out goes her hand, to catch chizuru's if she'll have it. she's given up holding back any tears, they're just ...coming.]

I'm so glad she has you. I'm so glad you found each other.

[tealeafs]

[ Vi can easily hold on to Chizuru's hand. When the other reaches over for it, Chizuru just lets her have it, not putting up a protest or any resistance. She just allows her hand to rest in the other's, still looking at Vi until that last compliment makes her duck her head shyly for a moment.

It's a little hard to deal with a compliment and say what she wants to say at the same time, so Chizuru brushes off the former for now, instead speaking up as she looks back up with: ]

Things never always just stay one way.

[ Her tone is soft and gentle, but it's not as shy or meek as it can sometimes be. Instead it's not necessarily speaking with an air of confidence, but more something akin to calm, especially in the face of Vi's own emotions. ]

And I know.. that's hard. When things important to you really change.. It's difficult to deal with. [ She's definitely speaking from experience there, though she doesn't linger on it, not even in her thoughts. ] But it also always means things can change again. Sure, miss Jinx may not be like that girl over there anymore, but.. it also doesn't mean she has to always be the way she is now, right..?

[ She thinks back on what Jinx told her. About Vi, and that 'enforcer girl', and how Chizuru had already felt back then that Vi would never fully abandon Jinx forever, let alone over just a girl.

It's probably all based on a misunderstanding, on actions in the past that Vi also regrets.

There's no way it'd happen again in the future. And-- ]

I mean.. You're together now. Maybe you could change together, or your relationship could still change, until it's something that's as close as you used to be, even if it might still be a little different. [ Chizuru believes in that. Jinx and Vi seem to care too much about each other - in their.. unique ways.. - for it to not be true.

She wants to believe in it. ]

[faceblocks]

[the calm helps - the slight change not in tone, really, but there's wisdom in the shift, a subtle shift, but a steadiness she isn't used to seeking elsewhere.]

I know. But they didn't have to go the way they did. I...

[she swallows against the lump in her throat as she looks at the two girls, frozen in a moment, a faint blue glow emanating from powder's belt pouch.]

There's nothing I can do about that, now. But you're right. They can change here. They're already changing. It's ...better?

Neither one of us have to stay the same, but we can stay together here. Change ...together. Different is okay. It was always gonna be...

[(i thought that maybe you could love me like you used to, even though i'm ...different.)

that broken rasp of defeat, the resigned bitterness, the disappointment - the voice still haunts her dreams (and sometimes her waking), but vi wants to believe, too. she's committed to that belief and will do anything to see it through - she's given her sister a hexgem, for fuck's sake. no, it doesn't have the same weight here - nothing does.

but hadn't cait shown up and vi had not abandoned her sister again. cait or no cait, you can't just replace someone like that. not when they mean the world (and more) - people aren't replaceable parts.]

[tealeafs]

[ Chizuru is happy to just let Vi talk. It kind of sounds like the other is sorting through her thoughts with the words she's saying here, after all - and it also gives Chizuru a moment more to look at the two girls, even though the memory seems pretty frozen around them right now.

A moment in time that Vi and Jinx will never get back, sure. But.. like Vi is saying, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Chizuru nods in acknowledgement and agreement at that last part. ]

A friend of mine once told me that even when things change, there are also things that don't change.

[ It feels bittersweet now, thinking back on it, after she's been gone from her own world for so long. But Chizuru repeats the words with a gentle smile as she looks back up at Vi. ]

Even if things are different, or if you are different, there's a part of your bond that didn't change. You're still both important to each other.

[ It's something Chizuru can say, despite being a third party. Why else would Vi be so worried about this now? Why else would Jinx be worried about Vi abandoning her?

It's since they want to be close, want to be together. Chizuru is certain of that. ]

Isn't that the most important part?

[faceblocks]

It is.

You're right. We get the chance here, and we get to say it out loud. I think I've said it more here these last few months than I ever did growing up. I guess that says something about me, huh?

[a sheepish, wounded look.]

She's always gonna be my sister, nothing can change that. I ...know I'm important to her, too. And maybe it's kind of an unhealthy way [it is], but if the other stuff can change than that can, too.

Someday she can maybe rest easy that I'm not going to just up and ditch her. That the only way I'm doing that is if I'm dead, or not ...me anymore.

[she can hear them begin to speak again - her younger self telling powder to keep the stones a secret from vander, and she winces doubly hard at that, whispering you idiot at herself even though smaller, younger violet can't hear her. and she can hear herself saying that other thing, too. one day this city's gonna respect us. it has a different ring on this side of it, now.

there's a blue glow that she'd swear was coming from those hexcrystals, but it isn't. it's the antlers on the stag that approaches. her breath catches, and she finds herself reaching for chizuru again.]

[tealeafs]

[ She notices the stag too. They both do.

And when Vi reaches out to Chizuru - she allows the other to do so. Chizuru won't be the one to approach the stag first. After all, this is Vi's memory. She's the one allowed to decide when it ends, when she's had her fill of it.

What Chizuru tries to do in the meantime is to just look over at the taller girl.. and to smile at her. ]

It's okay, miss Vi. [ She says. Her voice is so light, a girl like Chizuru almost reminiscent of the slender and calm stag standing there, but there's something reassuring in it too. Almost beyond Chizuru's age, just a little. ] I believe in you. I know you can keep your word, and that you'll do your best.

[ Chizuru will tell Jinx the same thing, after all.

That she doesn't think Vi would abandon her. ]

[faceblocks]

[it's easier to bear the weight of this with someone else - or maybe it's that it's chizuru - someone she knows already, someone she trusts.

she smiles back, sad and a little steadier, nodding as the words wash over her - like the stag's presence.]

I will. I am. Thanks, Chizuru. Really. Thank you.

[she gives the other's hand a squeeze and reaches out a hand - the stag steps forward and bows - antler to fingertip and then it's all ...gone. almost as if it never were, though a feeling remains behind. it's less sadness than expected. it's a calm.]