necrolord: <user name="thebutt"> (Default)
ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴍᴘᴇʀᴏʀ ᴜɴᴅʏɪɴɢ ([personal profile] necrolord) wrote in [community profile] deercountry2023-01-09 02:43 pm

15 . JOHNUARY

Who: John Gaius and company.
What: All around him, John's friends and loved ones begin to shed their skins. Also: Riteoir.
When: January
Where: Gaze and the new city.

Content Warnings: Tagged in headers as needed. Note all the usual warnings of this character.

anbaric: do not take (064)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-01-31 11:19 pm (UTC)(link)
[ something unsaid passes between him and stelmaria again that draws asriel's attention from john momentarily this time. she is now, as ever, his last vestige of caution and the fact that he does not veto this idea at once has apparently been a (reasonable) cause for concern.

neither of them reflects on the fact that they automatically assume plan B is the more likely outcome. he isn't easily moved and doesn't expect that to change. necromancy is also the obvious place where his mind goes — it's not his fault, it's fascinating — and all the implications that go with it that he can only guess at. pain seems obvious, which is still easier and preferable a thousand times over to having to share anything personal, and it shows. some men would let someone handle their organs before they'll go to therapy. ]


That's seems like more effort on your part, but if that's what you want, I won't object.
anbaric: do not take (101)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-01 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's amazing how after all of asriel's work on Dust and how to control it, he still doubts his intuition. he knows how it works, but he has a hard time submitting to the process — and asriel has no excuse, given stelmaria's explicit warnings, but he chooses to ignore it anyway. he likes what he thinks and he's sure this is a gamble he can win. he always wins and it's only a little pain, after all. he won't have to do what he doesn't want to do because lord asriel gets what he wants because he wants things more powerfully than other people, and so on.

stelmaria couldn't know what john would say, but she knows how well asriel has painted himself into this corner to save face. he doesn't consider that she might know better because only one of them has ever been completely honest.

his mistake, of course, was believing there was nothing john could ever say that would get under his skin. arrogance. his daemon gives him a long, knowing look before stalking off with a growl. their separation no longer strains their bond how it used to, but he remembers the feeling keenly enough that it might as well.

asriel is silent for too long after that, but there is nothing good nor clever to say when one half of you has abandoned the other to reap what he's sown. ]


Effort counts for something, I'm sure.
anbaric: do not take (099)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-02 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ it's the politeness that gets him. asriel wishes john had been a little crueller because then he might've had a defence for that. he's bracing for the barb because there isn't anyone he can think of who would've passed up the opportunity to kick him when he's down. asriel doesn't begrudge them for it — he never set out to make friends, he set out to win a war.

here, this earns john a small measure of respect, and his prize is something asriel wouldn't even consider a secret if he wasn't being held hostage and threatened with real human connection. ]


I also have a daughter.

[ a fact he's shared with as much scholarly detachment as he can muster. he doesn't know what else to say about it, which feels uncomfortably appropriate. ]

But I never called myself a father.

[ it's difficult to know the exact meaning of those words because asriel isn't sure either. a confession? an admission of guilt? the same lie he's used forever to deflect any responsibility? yes. ]
anbaric: do not take (037)

cw: mention of child death

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-02 06:47 am (UTC)(link)
[ don't murder her best friend, he thinks, but he bites his tongue. ]

Don't get me wrong; I'll not be made to apologise for it. The work was too important.

[ asriel knows he'd do it precisely the same way if he faced the same choices all over again because he can't regret the mission.

still, the fact that he and stelmaria have always remained divided on the topic of lyra proves it bothers him sufficiently without oversight from the local gods, thanks. ]


You try to give them a better world to live in. That should be enough.

[ now it's his turn to take vague stabs at things, although admittedly not because he's trying to spare john's feelings. these are the platitudes asriel has contented himself with for years; it's all he's really got right now. ]
anbaric: do not take (083)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-03 04:46 am (UTC)(link)
[ asriel looks down at their hands and wonders briefly if he's suffered enough for the curse to be satisfied, realising belatedly that there's another silence and it's his turn to fill it. everything is in past tense, which makes trying to distance himself from it harder than usual in this case. he doesn't linger on why. ]

It could be worse; you could've been replaced by a polar bear.

[ he isn't even bitter about it — perhaps for extremely petty reasons — but those count just fine. in any case, it's a point he's willing to volunteer because it feels less likely to run into another mention of anyone's mother. his bond with stelmaria also feels slightly less strained, so he supposes a few small concessions must count for something. ]
anbaric: do not take (129)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-04 07:11 am (UTC)(link)
[ he's actually mildly entertained watching this happen. having met people from all sorts of places, it's amusing seeing where the line is sometimes. what's a step too weird?

asriel couldn't account for john's jokes, though, as they apparently turn up at inopportune times, like a car crash. he has no idea how to even respond to that at first, so he just shakes his head. he definitely didn't find it a little funny before he realised it or anything. ]


There are easier ways to test if the curse is satisfied, you know.

[ he means in ways that don't make him want to let go again, although, at this point, he's just being facetious. ]
anbaric: do not take (001)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-06 06:35 am (UTC)(link)
[ asriel feels more confident going into this test than the last one, at least. that was something like a breakthrough, wasn't it?

he keeps his hand sitting palm up where it is and is determined to keep it there this time, mildly hopeful the curse is broken but bracing for the disappointment if it isn't. and the horrible discomfort, of course. that's a given.

he'd folded the other times — which is to be expected given his much closer relationship with his own mortality — but now asriel has something to prove. it's not a conscious thought that he has something to prove, but he does. compensating for the regrettable decision to appear weak. and so, unbeknownst to asriel, he's now going to sit here and stubbornly play chicken with God. ]
anbaric: do not take (127)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-11 04:39 am (UTC)(link)
But still insufficient.

[ no point in sugarcoating it; a failure is a failure. he isn't resisting any more than he has the other times they've just been sitting here holding hands, but he leans away from john a bit more unconsciously. asriel knows it will get worse if they intend to keep testing. he's anticipating it.

asriel's stubborn willingness to die was apparently enough to draw stelmaria back from wherever she's been, too, their disagreement set aside in the face of some deeper existential need to be close after something like that. she's breathing as hard as asriel is too, but that will settle. ]


Last chance?

[ he isn't sure what happens after that, but he knows how far he's willing to go. ]
anbaric: do not take (043)

[personal profile] anbaric 2023-02-17 05:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ asriel considers it. he really considers it. that makes him tense enough to start grinding his teeth, and he shakes his head. ]

Nothing I am desperate enough to try.

[ he dislikes admitting this because it feels like failure. ]

If we bare our souls and suffer for it, it gets what it wants. If we sit here until it tires of the game, it's forced us to play along, so it gets what it wants.

[ he's tallying up every grievance and saving them for later. ]

I'll choose the path of least resistance for now and retest in an hour. There's work to do anyway, is there not?

[ he will endure holding hands longer to maintain some dignity. ]