ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴍᴘᴇʀᴏʀ ᴜɴᴅʏɪɴɢ (
necrolord) wrote in
deercountry2023-01-09 02:43 pm
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Entry tags:
15 . JOHNUARY
Who: John Gaius and company.
What: All around him, John's friends and loved ones begin to shed their skins. Also: Riteoir.
When: January
Where: Gaze and the new city.
Content Warnings: Tagged in headers as needed. Note all the usual warnings of this character.
What: All around him, John's friends and loved ones begin to shed their skins. Also: Riteoir.
When: January
Where: Gaze and the new city.
Content Warnings: Tagged in headers as needed. Note all the usual warnings of this character.
no subject
How's this, then. I'll tell you something very personal and sad, and if that fails to touch your heart, plan B can be to literally touch your heart. Nonlethally, mind. I'm very gentle.
[ The joys of necromancy! It is again unclear whether he's kidding. ]
no subject
neither of them reflects on the fact that they automatically assume plan B is the more likely outcome. he isn't easily moved and doesn't expect that to change. necromancy is also the obvious place where his mind goes — it's not his fault, it's fascinating — and all the implications that go with it that he can only guess at. pain seems obvious, which is still easier and preferable a thousand times over to having to share anything personal, and it shows.
some men would let someone handle their organs before they'll go to therapy.]That's seems like more effort on your part, but if that's what you want, I won't object.
no subject
Then let's start with the easy bit, and hope we don't need to get hands-on. [ He gives Asriel's hand a little squeeze as he says it, to make plain that this is another unreasonably obvious joke. Before Asriel can rile at this, he cuts in: ] Look, I'll find something relationship-themed to share, in honor of the season.
[ Something about craving connection, he doesn't say. The longing for touch doesn't feel so foreign to him, but he's aware of the itch every time Asriel drops his hand: there's an urgency underlying the breathlessness. Contact being as crucial as air, something along those lines. He gets the poetry of it. ]
This one's no grand secret. Not anymore, anyway. [ He goes wry again, and silent, for just a beat too long. Then: ]
I have a daughter.
[ One child by blood; by any other metric, the number is a nightmare to unpack. He'd rather start touching hearts. John shifts his grip in Asriel's slightly, betraying restlessness under his steady tone. ]
I wasn't exactly around when she was a kid, so we've been trying to catch up. You could call it a work in progress. [ You could call it more unkind things than that, but he likes to give himself some credit. It's been a bad year. ] Everything I can do, and I've still never had the hang of that.
no subject
stelmaria couldn't know what john would say, but she knows how well asriel has painted himself into this corner to save face. he doesn't consider that she might know better because only one of them has ever been completely honest.
his mistake, of course, was believing there was nothing john could ever say that would get under his skin. arrogance. his daemon gives him a long, knowing look before stalking off with a growl. their separation no longer strains their bond how it used to, but he remembers the feeling keenly enough that it might as well.
asriel is silent for too long after that, but there is nothing good nor clever to say when one half of you has abandoned the other to reap what he's sown. ]
Effort counts for something, I'm sure.
no subject
Still: he watches the split with a little furrow of startled fascination in his brow. As she stalks off, he tracks the movement out the corner of his eye, drawn again to the intangible weight of her.
There's a surprising number of people with odd souls, in this town: two-part melanges and muddied hundred-part infusions and his own cohort of walking black holes. He's never quite seen a person split in half. One essence in two shapes, not evenly distributed.
Asriel couldn't know how darkly funny it is. ]
I like to hope so.
[ He's saying nothing in particular, politely glossing over whatever just happened there. Even more politely pretending there's nothing to read into it. ]
I'd like to have something there, you know? It's been a shaky start, and her mom and I didn't exactly see eye-to-eye.
[ This is a very funny understatement. ]
no subject
here, this earns john a small measure of respect, and his prize is something asriel wouldn't even consider a secret if he wasn't being held hostage and threatened with real human connection. ]
I also have a daughter.
[ a fact he's shared with as much scholarly detachment as he can muster. he doesn't know what else to say about it, which feels uncomfortably appropriate. ]
But I never called myself a father.
[ it's difficult to know the exact meaning of those words because asriel isn't sure either. a confession? an admission of guilt? the same lie he's used forever to deflect any responsibility? yes. ]
no subject
It's a learning curve. [ He slants a wry, awkward smile, as though he can invite them in to the same pathetic little club. He won't mention that he's a whole world's deadbeat: playing the Father, capitalized. ] I'll let you know when I've learned it.
cw: mention of child death
Don't get me wrong; I'll not be made to apologise for it. The work was too important.
[ asriel knows he'd do it precisely the same way if he faced the same choices all over again because he can't regret the mission.
still, the fact that he and stelmaria have always remained divided on the topic of lyra proves it bothers him sufficiently without oversight from the local gods, thanks. ]
You try to give them a better world to live in. That should be enough.
[ now it's his turn to take vague stabs at things, although admittedly not because he's trying to spare john's feelings. these are the platitudes asriel has contented himself with for years; it's all he's really got right now. ]
no subject
There is that.
[ He sits back with a low breath like settling relief or resignation, his hand still in Asriel's. ]
It's a start, anyway. Pretty sure step two is not being a dick to her friends, and step three is being there to ask how her day went, and then I kind of lose track around the other steps, it probably involves sports.
[ A beat, and: ]
I'm working on step two.
no subject
It could be worse; you could've been replaced by a polar bear.
[ he isn't even bitter about it — perhaps for extremely petty reasons — but those count just fine. in any case, it's a point he's willing to volunteer because it feels less likely to run into another mention of anyone's mother. his bond with stelmaria also feels slightly less strained, so he supposes a few small concessions must count for something. ]
no subject
I'd accept that, I think. At least it's a polar bear. [ Here is the tone of profound gravity, of deep and abiding satisfaction: ] I've heard they're pretty cool.
[ Get it. ]
no subject
asriel couldn't account for john's jokes, though, as they apparently turn up at inopportune times, like a car crash. he has no idea how to even respond to that at first, so he just shakes his head.
he definitely didn't find it a little funny before he realised it or anything.]There are easier ways to test if the curse is satisfied, you know.
[ he means in ways that don't make him want to let go again, although, at this point, he's just being facetious. ]
no subject
Time for another try?
[ He gives Asriel a beat to brace himself, and then he draws away his hand. ]
no subject
he keeps his hand sitting palm up where it is and is determined to keep it there this time, mildly hopeful the curse is broken but bracing for the disappointment if it isn't. and the horrible discomfort, of course. that's a given.
he'd folded the other times — which is to be expected given his much closer relationship with his own mortality — but now asriel has something to prove. it's not a conscious thought that he has something to prove, but he does. compensating for the regrettable decision to appear weak. and so, unbeknownst to asriel, he's now going to sit here and stubbornly play chicken with God. ]
no subject
For a beat, John lets the distance hang and the crush of breathlessness take them both. He's waiting, implicitly, for Asriel to take his hand again; he's waiting for grudging permission to continue whatever they're doing here. But Asriel just sets his jaw, and John thinks, oh. They could die of stubbornness. That tracks.
God breaks first. ]
Well. [ He flexes his hand awkwardly in Asriel's, drawing attention to what he really doesn't need to. ] Solid effort.
[ Time to get literal, he could say, but he suspects Asriel would unbutton his shirt without blinking and they wouldn't be any better off. He honestly respects it. ]
no subject
[ no point in sugarcoating it; a failure is a failure. he isn't resisting any more than he has the other times they've just been sitting here holding hands, but he leans away from john a bit more unconsciously. asriel knows it will get worse if they intend to keep testing. he's anticipating it.
asriel's stubborn willingness to die was apparently enough to draw stelmaria back from wherever she's been, too, their disagreement set aside in the face of some deeper existential need to be close after something like that. she's breathing as hard as asriel is too, but that will settle. ]
Last chance?
[ he isn't sure what happens after that, but he knows how far he's willing to go. ]
no subject
That was my shot. If you have desperate measures in mind, I'll hear it.
no subject
Nothing I am desperate enough to try.
[ he dislikes admitting this because it feels like failure. ]
If we bare our souls and suffer for it, it gets what it wants. If we sit here until it tires of the game, it's forced us to play along, so it gets what it wants.
[ he's tallying up every grievance and saving them for later. ]
I'll choose the path of least resistance for now and retest in an hour. There's work to do anyway, is there not?
[ he will endure holding hands longer to maintain some dignity. ]
no subject
Hold hands and carry on. He'll take it. ]
Works for me. [ He shifts his grip in Asriel's, settling in. ] Let's get back to it.