deercountry | (closed) january catchall

Entry tags:

(closed) january catchall

Who: Ange (

entreats), Chizuru (

tealeafs), Daniel (

miyagimagic) and various others.
What: January shenanigans.
When: During all of January
Where: Locations vary.

Content Warnings: Nothing right now, specific warnings will be in headers when they come up.

( starters in the comments! if you want to plot anything with me, feel free to either pm the journal or contact me at

queeningsquare, i'm always open to new ideas and threads! )

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[ How does he feel? Does he feel anything, Robby wonders; which is a dumb question when he's been nothing but upset, but it's not a question he wants to pin down, or feels like he can't in any tangible way. 'Why?' still clings to him as it had earlier that day; when it had just been about Darth Maul, and now it was more, and he wants something more he can do or engage with than just the bursts of anger that have been coming and going.

His head hangs as he thinks, tries to piece together an honest response. ]

Why did it have to be my dad, [ eventually comes; a sting around his eyes, but nothing shows beyond some colour. A good thing that it's late, and the lights are off. ] Why did he have to die so many times?

[ Because in the end, all he can think about is that--all he feels is that seneless loss of life.

Even if his dad is still standing, now. ]

[ Daniel slowly exhales. Even though Robby already detangled their hug a moment ago, it's now Daniel who moves back even a little bit more as he releases that breath. His facial expression is serious - somber.

It's hard to feel anything else in the face of this. In seeing Robby getting hurt by this place over and over, and feeling like he's able to do so little about it. ]

I felt the same way. [ He instead offers. His words are slow, though. It's not easy for Daniel to talk about either. ] When my father died.

[ Honestly, the only reason he can talk about it at all is since it's so much less fresh. He's had decades to sit on that one. He could never talk about mister Miyagi's death in comparison, still too haunted by it.

But while this one is still a little painful, it's scabbed over for the most part. ]

It feels senseless. Like there's no reason, and-- yet it happens anyway.

[ Sure, the circumstances are different. The death of his father had a reason that was slightly less ridiculous, and his father didn't come back, but--

In the end, it probably changes very little about the feeling it gives you, Daniel thinks. Especially when it happens when you're so young. Daniel isn't stupid enough to think that someone reaffirming him that the feeling is normal and even relatable will help make it vanish, but it's one of the few things he can offer in the face of this. ]

[ It stills Robby, in a way he wasn't unexpecting--when Mister LaRusso mentions his father, a man rarely spoken about. His eyes flutter as he looks at the older man in that moment, and he sometimes forgets about Mister LaRusso's own loss; because Mister Miyagi is the one that's present most in the dojo, but Robby vaguely remembers another time, when they had been in the woods and Mister LaRusso had spoken to him about fathers.

There's a similar stirring in him now that Robby felt then, too. Was it fair to have Mister LaRusso's compassion, his understanding, when his dad wasn't really dead? He wasn't dead now, he didn't stay dead. He could text him or call him right now, and Mister LaRusso wouldn't get that chance. He wasn't unfortunate. That he had a dad here made him luckier than people who didn't.

It brings up a deeper feeling, one that's always been there, that he's been trying to work on with solutions than to put too much weight on. A sickening, shameful thing, that Robby doesn't know if he should say it. Maybe he should ask about how Mister LaRusso's dad died first, get more context.

But another question works its way up Robby's throat, and he's not looking at Mister LaRusso anymore, scratching a nail against the threads of his jeans.

Slowly: ] Did you ever...blame him for dying?

[ He knows it's a question that says more about Robby than it does anyone else.

And it's why he won't lift his head, and why he has to pinch his lips together, not say anything more. He doesn't blame him for Maul, but when the kill count grows, when his dad is so oblivious to the tools of this world...

Couldn't he have done more? ]

[ It does say a lot about Robby in this moment, doesn't it. It's way too easy of an implication to pick up on - hell, it's not even really an implication anymore when the words are right there.

But Daniel doesn't look like he's judging the boy. Not even when he pauses after that question, a slight moment of silence passing between them before he speaks up again. ]

My father, he was-- he was sick. [ It's surprising how much you can feel like you're over something, and then when you talk about it now, there's still a feeling that returns all the same. It's so much more dull than it used to be, but Daniel can still feel it, deep down in the pit of his stomach. ] So there wasn't much to blame him for there.

[ It's mostly just a clarification. Sure, Daniel understands how difficult it is to deal with a father's death, but-- the circumstances are pretty different, aren't they. Even aside from just the fact that Johnny is still alive and well among them.

Not leaving it at that though, the man shakes his head as he continues. ]

But I was mad. [ As young as he had been back then, not even half of Robby's age. ] Not at my father, but-- at the world, for letting this happen to him. .. and at myself, more than anything, for not having been a better son when I had the chance.

[ Daniel inhales. Deeply, this time. ]

Look, Robby.. What I'm trying to say here is that nothing you feel in the aftermath of something so life-changing is wrong. Grief manifests for everyone in different ways. Ways you can't even control. [ His gaze moves a little, like he's trying to capture the other's gaze - though it'll be hard if Robby is still looking down at his pants, which will make Daniel give up for the moment. ] Whatever you're feeling right now.. It's okay, I promise.

[ Honestly, does Daniel really blame Robby for feeling that way? He blames Maul much more than Johnny for even just that one death, but it's not like it couldn't have been avoided either. ]

.. do you wish your dad was more careful?

[ Internally, Robby squirms in his own skin. Of course his dad's death was different, natural, and while he isn't kicking himself for asking what he did, he still feels the shame burn in him, at the skin of his ears. He doesn't look up again at all, for a long while; not while Mister LaRusso speaks, even as he gives him his reassurances.

The question--or its implication--feels unfair, even before he had said it, and even moreso now. Not an angry kind of blame, but something frustrated and confused; that even when Mister LaRusso asks that question, Robby's slow to start, to figure out his feelings. ]

...Yeah? I don't blame him for what happened with Maul, [ fuck that, someone talking shit doesn't deserve to die, ] but I--I don't know if he's ever done anything to really protect himself from the way this world works? I know he started training with Uchiha, but I... I don't know? He didn't know anything about his blood, and I wished I could trust him that he was.

[ That he was giving himself the best chance he could have if he took his safety more serious.

He's still scraping a nail against his jeans, repeats with disappointment: ]

I don't trust him.

[ And for once, it feels unfair. ]

[ Daniel tries to think if Johnny ever told him about anything he's done to try and deal with this place - and he isn't sure.

On the other hand, he also remembers the Johnny hovering over him back out on the ice. The way he had seemed so surprisingly and strangely upset at the thought of Daniel almost having died. If he cares so much, then.. he surely must have some plan, right? Some way of dealing with this place?

.. on the other hand, it's Johnny Lawrence. Daniel never knows what to expect from him.

The thoughts running through his mind leave him quiet for a moment, even after Robby's final statement. When they've run their course, he finally speaks up again. ]

Have you told him that?

[ There's a tiny pause before he already shakes his head, ahead of anything Robby can say or think. ]

That's not necessarily a suggestion. [ Just saying, since he's not sure that'd end well..

It's more that he's curious. That he's trying to form a full image of the situation in his mind. The only way to know what Johnny ever thinks is to hear the words straight out of the guy's mouth, after all. ]

Edited 2023-02-26 13:06 (UTC)

[ Robby rolls his lips. ] Kind of? ...I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he protected himself better. When he told me. [ About the deaths. And he's been on a balancing rope since then, or was, but all of this coming out has pushed him off from his belief that his dad can do it. Or maybe he was never on it to begin with, but pretending.

He doesn't feel like he can believe anything hopeful in this moment. ]

I didn't want him risking himself to save me if he ever got the chance. I hated the idea. [ ... ] We talked about checking out some different stones. Seeing what magic shit was-- um, was fun. Sorry. [ That gets a look at Mister LaRusso, if returning away, quickly.

But there's a pause, a quiet where he admits: ] ...I know I have to give him time. But I don't know what to expect.

[ So it's scary. So he expects the worst. He doesn't know how to hope for good things and not be ready for disappointment, like the kid tapping his foot incessantly waiting for a dad who never showed up.

Ever. ]

Yeah. The first thing.. It's time.

[ He does agree with that, slowly nodding, but Daniel does wish he could say more here. That he could have some sort of definite reassurance for the boy when Robby looks like he could use it. When Daniel knows that sometimes - for all of his previous talk about Robby being like Johnny - Robby instead feels a little bit too much like Daniel, letting his thought spiral to the worst of places at all times.

There's still a clear memory of the day they opened the dojo here. Of a boy waiting for Daniel in his house, standing near the front door, ready to leave after imagining he'd be kicked out.

So even though Daniel can't say anything here to reassure Robby of Johnny or Johnny's future behaviour when Daniel sure as hell can't ever predict that either when it comes to the other man, he doesn't want to give Robby nothing.

The very idea of that is too sad. ]

But if nothing changes, even with time, I'll help too. This doesn't just have to be between you and your dad. I could talk to him about it too by then. [ Though results of that may.. vary, that's for sure. But Daniel likes to think that they've at least gotten to a point where he can get Johnny to listen to him when he shows he's being serious.

He reaches out, a hand on the boy's shoulder. ]

You know you can rely on me, right?

[ Daniel hopes he's at least regained that trust by now. Why else would Robby opt to come here after leaving his and Tory's place? He easily could have gone to one of his friends instead. ]

I know.

[ It takes a moment to answer, but not from any hesitation. But for Robby to look up at Mister LaRusso, and to give him that sideways half-smile, that's never too happy but still appreciative. He's always had Mister LaRusso to rely on, even if lately--in this place--he wish that his own dad could take on that role. Be the one he felt he could go to like he had back home, just before his memories fizzle out.

He rolls his wrist, not for any meaningful reason, but just fidgeting for fidgeting's sake. ]

I feel like...I should do more to help him? If I was a better son. If I could get over myself. [ He scrapes the nail of his thumb against the side of his finger. ] I wish I knew he had someone. Looking out for him.

[ A pause, and his mouth quirks in a better smile. ]

Someone he doesn't look at and think as his life-long karate rival?

[ No offence. ]

[ Daniel softly breathes out. ]

I go out of the way to help the guy who made my life absolutely miserable when I was a teenager, and this is the thanks I get. [ It's probably supposed to be a very, very mild joke - though there's a kernel of truth in there all the same. There's still a small part of Daniel that's very bitter about it, if not just due to Johnny being so much more reluctant to recognize his part in that than Chozen ever had.

But he doesn't want to make Robby feel worse here, so he does fully play it off like just as joke, easily brushing past it as he moves on, his hand remaining there on Robby's shoulder for another moment. ]

Do you think you'd like to look out for him though?

[ It doesn't feel right. A parent should be looking out for their kid, not the other way around, but-- if it'd make Robby feel better, then who would Daniel be to deny the kid anything? ]

[ It's not what Robby had meant, but he takes the joking edge for what it means, doesn't take it too seriously himself. He appreciates Mister LaRusso offering to step up if his dad needs it, but just hopes as well that his dad's own support system was the same as whatever everyone was giving his killer.

(salty?? robby?)

But the question in front of him is a tough one. It means engaging with his dad about this, putting aside his own issues with his dad to prop him up--when he's never gotten that himself, just judgment, even in his time here. ]

I don't know, [ he admits honestly, softly. Sucks on his tongue, and even more: ] I don't know if it'd make a difference.

[ Him helping his dad. Because he can never shake off that feeling, of never really being enough. It's a lot to think about, and he doesn't know if he can commit to anything right now.

Not when everything feels a shade close to hopeless. ]

.. hey.

[ Daniel's salt already disappeared a moment ago when he opted to ask that question and focus more on Robby instead, but right now it's totally gone, shoved back in the spot inside of Daniel where it usually sits.

Instead his focus is solely on Robby in this moment. It makes the hand on Robby's shoulder shift, moving higher up, until it rests against the side of Robby's head, palm gently pressed against the boy's cheek. ]

Robby. [ If the small calls for his attention aren't good enough, then Daniel will use that hand to gently nudge his head up - enough so he can look into Robby's eyes when he speaks on. ] You always make a difference.

[ Daniel pauses, as if to let the words sink in. ]

I know you would make a difference if you were to help out your father. But only if you'd want to. [ Because the last thing he wants to do here is put pressure on Robby's shoulders. A kid's duty shouldn't be to look out for their parent, but if it's what Robby wants to do, if it'd make him feel better to help Johnny out, then Daniel won't stop him either.

But it's just enough to add that caveat.

He still doesn't remove his hand as he speaks on, the look in his eyes growing more gentle. ]

And I know that you would make a difference, because.. you make a difference for me too. Every single day.

[ Robby doesn't keep his gaze downcast with the urging of his name--he isn't even looking down before that, with the touch to his cheek, a confusion that presses his brows and makes him look at the man opposite him. He hadn't meant his honesty to sound miserable, only--it makes sense. He hadn't been enough for sixteen years of his life, and not much after that. A problem maker for himself, and there's few people who have ever wanted to listen to his problems.

Well, he has the latter, but he's still the former too. Mister LaRusso is a cool touch as always, the cold breath of air exhaling through an open door; but his words are warm and honey sweet, and he always fills in the gaps that Robby ever expects anyone to pay attention to. A reassurance, and then something more: a personal touch, intimate between them, his effect on Mister LaRusso's life.

And who doesn't want to be appreciated?

...who doesn't want to be loved?

Mister LaRusso's hand burns against his skin. He looks into Mister LaRusso's eyes and sees every belief behind what he says, a kindness Robby has always wanted to drown in more than he should. It closes his throat, tightens his ribcage, and even his stomach is in knots the longer--just a few seconds--he lets himself linger in this growing conflict, an urge.

He wants it. He wants to. He wants more than this simple touch that could be more, and he rolls his lips together, looks away, buries everything deep down and under the smile he stitches onto his face instead. Robby takes that hand on his face in a simple yet gentle motion, fingers wrapping around it, so he can move and press the back of it to his chest, where he knows no one can tell a thing about his truth. Even if his smile looks so sad, his eyes a little wetter; his voice light and strained when he says despite his own heart killing him: ]

Thank you, Mister LaRusso. [ He squeezes his hand tighter. ] You always believe in me.

[ Even if you shouldn't. ]

[ It's not like Robby's reaction is totally lost on Daniel. Even here in the dojo, in the darkness of evening, it's hard to miss a reaction like that when they're so close right now. It tugs on Daniel's heart, but he's pretty sure that this entire situation has to be the cause of it. Robby truly mustbe affected by it all - and who could blame him? Daniel knows exactly what it's like to be that young and have to deal with the death of a parent, no matter how different the circumstances are surrounding it.

It always felt impossible to bear for him too.

He just hopes that the smile is at least genuine, despite the sadness in it. That he's doing something here to make it even slightly better - even if it's just to let Robby know he isn't alone. ]

Of course. [ The words are impossibly sweet in that way that seems to come natural to Daniel. He keeps allowing Robby to just hold his hand like that, but uses his free hand to ruffle the boy's hair. ] That's what I'm here for.

[ Sure, maybe it was just once or twice that he didn't believe in Robby when he should have - but those moments haunt him enough to tell himself he can't let that happen again. He has to be the one to be there to believe in Robby, no matter what. ]

I'm right here with you. [ It's been hard for months now to not think of Robby as his kid.

But especially in this moment. The fatherly feeling blossoms in his chest like never before - and he knows this is the exact sort of thing he'd be doing with Sam or Anthony if they needed it. He has done this with Sam before.

Which is why the only thing that can follow here is the parental reassurance of: ]

It's all going to be okay.

[ He lets those words linger in the air for a moment, but then continues. ]

You think you're ready to come in? It's got to be chilly here. [ Not that Daniel.. can tell.. But the door between the inner dojo and the outside is thin by nature. ] I assure you it's a lot more comfortable over there.

[ Robby's limbs feel restricted, an out-of-body experience where he has to force them to work against what they want to do. Wanting to hold that hand tighter in his grip to stop Mister LaRusso, get his attention and to force himself to confess, to say the things he desperately wants to show more than speak.

But Robby doesn't change anything about the pressure, letting it go when the suggestion is finally made, instead. ]

--Sure. [ It's a longer stretch of time to his mind than it actually takes to get to this part. He's looked away once or twice, worried about anything falling from his eyes, but they cling to his lashes, an irritation he doesn't dare wipe away. Now isn't the time, either; instead, Robby grabs at his bag with both hands, moving it onto his lap in a readying moment. ]

Um, are you okay if I head straight to the bedroom? I'm feeling tired after everything.

[ His head is a mess, a dangerous muddle of thoughts he needs to compress, tear out, and not lay there and think about and hate himself while indulging in his own misery. A horrible confusion for future Robby to deal with than the one right here attempting to distance himself from himself, speaking without thought, without feeling.

He can't do this right now. He needs to get out of here, and avoid screwing things up even more. ]

...

[ There's a pause before Daniel answers. It's not one that's too long, but it leaves just enough time for the man to stare at Robby with concern in his eyes. He's not reading more into it than would be logical in this situation - the boy being upset about everything - but that's still enough cause for concern all on its own.

On the other hand, Daniel doesn't think there's more he can do that he hasn't already done right here. Sometimes you just have to give teens some time to process everything by themselves, even though that sort of thing has always been hard for Daniel.

So he nods. ]

Of course that's okay. [ He rises back up to his feet, moving over to slide open the door that leads from the dojo into the house itself, and then moving aside to give Robby space to move past him. ] Make sure to rest up, alright? And if you need anything at all, you know where to find me.

[ Maybe that's all he can do. Ensure that Robby knows he's here if Robby needs anything - and just giving the other a bit of space to come to terms with everything. Maybe Robby will feel a touch better by breakfast tomorrow. ]

[ These are the moments he hates. That nagging in him like regret, that he should be taking his opportunity now, be honest with himself, and be honest with Mister LaRusso too. He might come around.

It's another presence in him that he works to ignore as he walks to the door that Mister LaRusso stands by with his parting words. Passion telling him he'll be missing his chance, while he nods, glancing at the man before making his way out of the room to head to the spare one. He knows his way.

And he has the decency to close the door behind him, go over to the bed and sit on it, bag dropped beside him, to have the inner freak-out of how he doesn't need to be experiencing this right now on top of everything else. A voice telling him to say fuck it, go for it, what's the worst that can happen? On top of the loneliness that had already sunk in, its wound made fresh.

He hates it. ]

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(closed) january catchall

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cw: talking about death, loss of life, etc

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