deercountry | open; february catch-all

No? I mean-

[ the chair zaps her. vesper doesn't even bother to hide her indignation, squirming in her chair as she tries to settle down. ]

-ow ow ow. Fine! Fine! Fourteen years! [ she hunkers down, preparing for a shock that doesn't come, then finally sits back up. ] Anna, I- I don't want to be rude, but-

[ another shock. it's smaller this time, at least, but it doesn't stop the angry squawk that escapes her. ]

-crap!! Why! Are you! Complaining about knowing how to talk?! [ she sounds... not quite angry, but something approaching it. it's a tone anna's probably heard before, from someone that shared a face with her. ] You're better at it than me! A lot better!

[and before anna can even think to answer, she's sputtering out something that isn't even words. her eye goes wide, and she can't focus on the pressure in her head that's gone as soon as she thinks about it for too long anyway.]

How do you kn—[oh, goddammit, did vesper ask a question?]—fuck, fuck, okay, chill out with the shocking already.

[she takes a look around the room again to see who the hell is in charge of this, but of course, nobody is there. there's absolutely no reprieve except to answer. and since it apparently has to be the truth, she continues, very much, to hate this.]

I'm not—[a phantom wince. fine. all right.] I'm not sure, okay? I can't talk about small shit without feeling awkward and I can't talk about big shit without hiding who I am and pretending I'm smarter and less obvious than I am. [she kicks her foot against the leg of her chair and grumbles down "satisfied, you little bitch?" at it before returning to vesper.] And how the hell did you know how long it's been since I dated?

This sucks. This really, really sucks. I think I hate dating?

[ and then anna asks her question - how did vesper know? how could vesper know? - and something very strange happens. ]

[ vesper visibly brightens. she goes from irritable and sullen to suddenly perky. sorry, anna - you've just actually asked a question she knows the answer to already. ]

Oh! That one's easy. It's because you were singing about it just now. [ her back straightens; she looks directly into anna's eyes, face to face. ] I'm a Kolibri unit, remember? KLBR. Kommando-Leiteinheit Bioresonaztechnik-Replika. We're Generation 6 High-Tech bioresonance specialists, and we're the most powerful ones ever manufactured! So when you sing, it's really easy to hear what you're saying. It's how I figured out Venus was the imprint I was based on, too!

[ she looks... proud of herself, mostly. like she doesn't even register what she's said might be odd, or wrong, or off-putting. finally, anna can see something that vesper is genuinely good at - something that makes her her.

she hopes anna will be impressed. ]

Edited 2023-02-10 19:40 (UTC)

[yes, there is a part of anna that is impressed. it is not a large part of her, but it is there. she likes seeing this person who reminds her of venus take pride in who she is and what she does. but she places both her hands flat on the table, and she looks right at vesper, and her face is...]

[it's not like staring down the storm that is ariane yeong. it is heavy and old and weary like an iron door that wants to rust shut but people keep coming along and wiping it down just enough anyway. so it never gets what it wants, but it's being given less than what it means. it's a stupid metaphor, but she's a stupid person.]

I'm going to ask you one time to not go into my head. For my sanity. For your safety. For whatever's going to work to convince you that it's a bad idea. I know that it's what you were made to do, but... please. [at least she doesn't seem mad.] Do you get where I'm coming from, or do you need me to explain more?

[ anna looks at her, really looks at her, and her song... changes. less like the shifting of a channel, more like a new song on the same tape. haunted. upset. frustrated without necessarily being angry. rage without rage; a system that must change and a revolutionary that doesn't want to take the first shot.

it's kind of confusing. as much as she understands the feelings, she doesn't understand why they're there-

so she just. says so. ]

I don't, really? [ she doesn't leave it at that - not even for the sake of speed dating. for the sake of anna. ] I mean. I get that you don't want me to? And that makes sense. But- but the Nation isn't here, now, and even if it were I don't think I'd say a word about what I heard.

[ openly seditious words. her eyes flicker from side to side as she says it, like she's still worried some agent will descend upon her. ]

And- and my safety makes a lot of sense, but I don't think your memories are the worst ones I've ever heard? They couldn't be. The LS- um, sorry, Elster's song is the only one I've found that I have to actively avoid listening to. [ she reaches up, tapping gently at her forehead. ] It drilled holes into my body. It jerked my head around and I couldn't stop it. I... I honestly thought I was going to die?

[ she offers a smile. it's not really a certain smile - so much like venus, before she hatched - but it's an attempt at reassurance. ]

So you don't have to worry about that. Even when you've resented me, it's never been anything like that.

[anna frowns back. vesper doesn't understand, and she was hoping so desperately that she would. that she wouldn't have to be here and explain... explain something to her. she leans forward on her arms and starts talking to vesper like she's sharing a very important secret—if secrecy is something that this android understands, then maybe it'll help.]

I don't care about you telling other people. [and her lower back jerks.] ...Fine. I do care. But I also just... you understand these are my thoughts, right? It's my head? And it's not for, like, public consumption. All of this is supposed to stay inside of me until I decide to let it out.

[this is to say nothing of A2. of apollonia. of annalise. of the anna of the past or the intoner. of whoever else she is. her eye, she hasn't realized, is pleading for vesper to understand this.]

Is that too much to ask?

...no, I guess not.

[ vesper jerks in her seat, frowning and breaking eye contact. she purses her lips; her little tapered feet tap irritably against the floor. and finally, after a second zap hits, she grits her teeth and says: ]

Yes. Maybe. It kind of is? [ a frustrated sigh. ] It's like if I said, "I don't want you to know what my voice sounds like, can you make sure you don't hear it?" It's not. It doesn't work that way. I can avoid listening too closely, or I can at least try to, but I can't just stop hearing you when you're singing??

You keep saying that I'm singing. I don't understand what you mean.

[she knows it's a metaphor, or it's something other than literally using her voice to sing. is she projecting these things into the world around her? is she comfortable with that? does vesper even have the ability to stop it, and... and would she be comfortable actually asking her to?]

But you're not... you aren't doing any of it on purpose, is what you're saying? Do I have that right? [she's still trying to be gentle about this, especially in light of that. if this isn't something that she controls, then... it isn't fair to be mad about it.]

Edited 2023-02-11 21:22 (UTC)

Right. Everyone does that. And- and it's not like it's entirely an accident? I mean, I can try to listen more closely. I did earlier when you asked about dating. It's like...

[ she raises her hands up, gesticulates in a way that doesn't quite make any sense. even she understands it's nonsense. she sighs, deflating as she tries to use just her words for it. ]

It's like... Um... Have you ever used a radio?

[well, isn't that exactly what she should've seen coming. her expression lightens; she thinks of venus' radio that's still at their place and being safely guarded. some things don't ever change, and it's the consistencies that she'll have to hold fast to.]

I have. In my room at night, in my car... here, too, but it's not like any radio I've ever seen. So I'm broadcasting my vibe and you're just tuning into the frequency? [at least she's not stupid once she has a little bit to go on. and now that she understands, or at least thinks she does, she's a little more comfortable with joking.] You know, I am still an android. I could probably find a way to shut off that broadcast.

Kind of? Yeah. Kind of. [ that's not quite as helpful as you might have hoped, anna. but vesper continues: ] It's more like when the radio is almost tuned right. You can hear it, but it's kind of, um. Staticky? Right? That's what everyone sounds like. All the time.

[ ah. that might put things into perspective, a little. ]

I mean. Maybe? If that's what you'd really want. [ she isn't sure about it. she sounds like she doesn't quite get it. but- ] If... if that's really what you wanted, I guess I could try to help...?

[she thinks she gets it: vesper exists in the middle of a sky the color of a television tuned to a dead channel. of course she does. thanks, billy gibs. and anna just sighs by the end of it and leans forward on her arms, her head hanging only slightly to let her hair curtain her face.]

I was probably just joking about that. I don't want to shut myself off entirely. Lived that life before and it doesn't make anyone happy. [she looks up and feels like she must look exhausted, but she doesn't know how much of it is coming through on her actual face. maybe it's just how she is now. perpetually like this. she can't even force a half-smirk or a lopsided smile or whatever she wants to call it.]

I just... I want to be the one in control of when people learn stuff about me, and what they learn. I want to be the one who decides when to let people in. I don't want to just be this open book that everybody can read, or... like, whatever, you know? [her shoulders slump.] But you can't control what you hear, so I just have to deal with it. 'Cause I'm not getting rid of you.

Oh. That makes sense. [ and it's not a lie, either - at least, it's less of one than she'd thought it might be. it's good enough for the chairs they've sat in, at least. ] I guess I... kind of get it? But not all of it. I understand not wanting to be- a part of something like that. That can be scary. When it crumbles, you crumble.

[ a beat; a breath, mimicking human function in her own capacity for speech. ]

But- if you could have someone that understood, and could help, I don't understand why that's bad. That feels like home to me.

[ but maybe she doesn't have to understand. she smiles when anna says her piece, and even if she doesn't fully understand anna she appreciates her nonetheless. ]

Thank you for not disposing of me. [ her legs kick idly back and forth against the foot of the chair; they end just barely an inch above the ground, too short to touch it directly. ] I... I really do mean that. Everyone here has been kind, even when it wasn't expedient to them? So. Um. Thanks, again.

[when it crumbles, you crumble. anna understands that only very little, but the way vesper says it, the way she tries to mimic a human so carefully at the end of it, makes it feel very important indeed. so anna tries to treat it with that weight.]

I have someone like that. That's what Kainé is for me—she's my home. But even with her, I don't tell her everything all at once. [there's no shock at her back; that somehow feels worse.] I decide when these things come out. And maybe... maybe I don't always do it right. Maybe I don't tell her enough. But I'd rather screw up and do better next time than just put it all on the table at once.

[she takes a shock to her back at that and isn't surprised, after a moment's thought. after all, isn't she researching a bonding ritual right now? isn't she looking into something that will give her a telepathic bond with kainé? she frowns.]

...But I might not get that choice anymore a few weeks from now anyway.

open; february catch-all

no subject

no subject

1/2

2/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject