deercountry | I don't want to save the world

Entry tags:

I don't want to save the world

Who: Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon and you!
What: Usagi is dealing with mild corruption and is trying to get rid of it
When: Through mid-March
Where: Beach and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Violence

A. Strike the Match [Beach]

When the thought 'I wish I could just destroy this whole place' entered her mind, she knew she was in trouble. She knew she was in at least SOME stage of corruption and needed to get it in check.

But the people, outside of Makoto, who she would talk to about the corruption were. all. gone.

And that was the problem. That was why she kept having the thought. Rei, Minako, Hotaru, Setsuna, Varian, Atsushi, Bella, the list went on and on and on and on and on. It was just her and Makoto now.

And then the fearful thought, 'But when would Makoto be next?' would come.

When would another loved one, another precious person be taken? What was even the point to keep going if they were all gone? This was not the first time she had had such thoughts. But this wasn't about Galaxia and an endless war and all life going on. This was just her and her life. This wasn't home. It got incredibly difficult to keep going, to keep hoping they may someday arrive, because there was no way to bring them out of the ocean. But also, she didn't WANT them to arrive. That was the hitch, the problem.

She missed all of her precious people like crazy.

But in her truest of heart's desires, she could never wish them to come to this hell, even if she knew the girls would follow her without hesitation.

"But you're not here," she told the crashing waves. She was Sailor Moon right now, waiting for Maul.

She was so. damn. tired. of this world taking from her, hurting her, and how she was supposed to be okay with it. She didn't even get to mourn Hotaru because this world made her so happy that all she could do was be glad Hotaru got out.

She wasn't okay.

Sailor Moon watched the waves crash around her, a storm out on the horizon making them harsher than usual. The wind whipped her hair around her, her wings going back and forth with the breeze. In her hand was her Tiare.

She sensed someone coming towards her. It wasn't Maul she sensed, but another.

"I would not come any closer," she said, eyes still out on the horizon, her voice harsh. "The waves may suck you under." And she wasn't much in the mood to save anyone. The only reason the waves weren't dragging her away was because of her strength where she stood. "If you have need of the beach there is endless amounts of it," she gestured to the miles of shore.

B. Wildfire [Closed to Maul (and observers)]

Finally, she thought.

"Don't hold back," her head tilted a bit to glance at the Sith behind her, though she did not fully face him, her back still turned to him.

There was a breath, a tic of a second, as if she might change her mind about the whole thing. After all, she was always so hesitant to fight anyone.

She exhaled.

The second passed.

She was already right in front of him, her tiny size and powers allowing her to be deadly fast, her Tiare was raised, fully intending to strike him in the head, whether or not he could block or dodge was his problem.

C. Smoke and ashes [Willful Machine]

The fight had done her a lot of good to get most of her anger out.

But so would shopping. She was currently looking at herself in the mirror, a bright pink and red outfit for springtime. She was turning this way and that with a soft hum and when she saw someone behind her in the mirror she spun around and grabbed their hand, her own nails were still quite sharp as her corruption was still edging away.

"I need your opinion!" she smiled brightly, feeling better and intending on buying a large spring wardrobe with some retail therapy. "How does this look?" she gave a little spin.

(OOC: Unless a character can read souls/auras/have sensitivity in the Force/magic to see through glamours, they will not be able to detect that Sailor Moon and Usagi are the same person.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I...

( she stops her words from flowing further. it would be nice to have some food and be somewhere cozy for a little while. but... would that really be okay? jinx opens her mouth to speak again, but there's a slight sting at the side of her temple. the girl winces at the sharp sensation; taking a few steps away from usagi. )

No!

( the shout isn't gear towards usagi, despite it might seeing so. and she glares off to the left of her (there's nothing there) -- at the dead of her "brother" to hiss at his words. )

Nonono, I-I'm not — not gonna screw this up, too. Just shaddup, okay? You're not letting me think.

( he seems to be responding back as jinx grips onto her locks tightly with her slender fingers. with a growl of frustration and agony, she throws her arms down with another snarl at "mylo". )

No one is leaving me, alright? Everyone... they promised they wouldn't. No one is... is lyin' to me.

( even with her saying this out loud, there's very lack of confidence behind those words. in fact, she darts her gaze carefully to usagi -- hoping to give her some kind of confirmation. )

Right? You're still... here with me. A-And not scared of me?

[Usagi glanced beside her and saw no one, but this was clearly something far outside of something she could see. She came forward and took one of Jinx's hands into her own while her other hand reached up and held Jinx's cheek. Her smile is soft and sincere.]

I'm not scared. [She assures her.] I'm still here. I will always be here beside you.

Here, right here, do you feel me holding your hand, Jinx? I'm not going anywhere.

You will never scare me.

( her lower lip is quivering as she tries to keep herself from swelling with tears. she's been crying so damn much and it's a wonder how she hadn't tuckered herself out yet. jinx tightens their hold of their hands and leans her cheek more into her other. )

P-People say that and then they...

( — get scared or take back on their word. there's a lot of context clues she's dropping. she may or may not out right say what has happened to her over the past few days, but maybe this is enough to piece things together. )

I am not other people. I am me.

I am your Moonlight.

I'm not scared, not now, not ever. I will always hold out my hand to you, Jinx.

You can put that to the test as much as you need, I will do everything to try and not fail you. [She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Jinx's brow.] I will make mistakes, I will make you angry, but I will never be scared of you.

I will always love you as my dear friend.

( this is so ridiculous. somewhere within her is screaming how ridiculous jinx is being for having her heart this expose. but she is just so overwhelmed with so much and... she is growing tired of behaving so tough. so jinx lets herself crumble, falling into usagi's arms into an extremely desperate need to be held. the girl doesn't cry, but she buries her face into her shoulder nevertheless. )

I... I dunno how much longer I can take this place. I just wanna stop hurting.

[And Usagi's arms catch her and hold her with endless strength. She gently rubs Jinx's back and hair, letting Jinx hold on as tightly as she needed.]

You don't have to hold in the pain. I know how much this world loves to tear us apart but it is not weakness to cry and to feel tired. You do not have to be strong everyday.

Some days I want to burn this world down to its core, but that is not my call to make, and I remember how many of you are still here that I love.

So if you are hurting, cry. If you are angry, scream. If you are exhausted, rest.

You don't have to cry or scream alone, though.

( she listens attentively to the other's words. well as much as she can with faint giggling buzzing at the right of her ear. but jinx is so... done with fighting and arguing with them day after day. especially recently. and in a hush tone, she asks: )

Can I... rest? I've been... stayin' in the woods. ( a brief pause. ) — I upset Chizuru. I hurt her over the things that I've said. So I thought... staying away from everyone will keep me from doing it again.

That is a decision you have to make for yourself. Only you can let yourself rest. But I can certainly give you a place to stay while you do. You can stay with me and Makoto in my home as long as you need.

And I'm sorry to hear that happened, but staying away from everyone... it doesn't really work, because you're hurting yourself, and you matter too, Jinx.

I dunno if I really should matter. Not... lately.

( she is growing a little tired of standing so she seeks for the nearest... well, anything to sit on. and thankfully, there is a small bench for her to sit for those who wish to try on shoes. the twin braided girl plops herself there and exhales out a worn out sigh. )

I'm so confused, Moonlight. I've tried being myself 'cuz some say I oughta be myself but... that's not goin' so hot. I've tried helping people out and stop doin' certain stuff because it would make other people feel good and happy. But I somehow... screwed that up, too.

Just what am I suppose to do if nothin' I'm doing is working? — I kinda wanna call it quits and throw bombs everywhere 'cuz that's something I can do right. I'm really good at breaking things and shooting bullets.

Maybe I oughta stick to that and nothin' else.

Edited 2023-03-28 20:16 (UTC)

You do, it's not really a matter of should.

[She moves to sit beside Jinx, taking her hand in hers and listening as she explains what's going on. She hums softly and leans back.]

It's not wrong to want to make other people happy, but helping people only for the sake of pleasing others isn't... good for you.

What is something in the middle, something between helping others and being yourself that DOES make you happy, Jinx? Something that makes you feel fulfilled?

In the middle, huh?

( she takes a moment to think over this; slouching along with her as her foot sways back and forth. )

— I was doin' some thinking to only let my workshop open to those I like or people I trust. That's still kinda helping people, right? ... And how about privating my conversations more?

If I get into a topic with someone else that gets — ( she lifts up a hand and does air quotes with her two digits. ) "uncomfy" or I say somethin' they don't like, I'll shut it away.

It's dumb that I gotta hide my words while everyone gets to say whatever the hell they want. But! — It's tough being a genius and be the reasonable one, I guess.

Edited (i'll get it eventually, sorry for the edits lol) 2023-03-29 22:26 (UTC)

That sounds fair, you don't have to force yourself to interact with people if you don't want to. You can absolutely just build things for the people you like and trust. And maybe with time that will become more and more.

And making your conversations more private may help, sure.

You don't need to shut it away, though. You can just offer that you end the conversation with that person and if you want to keep discussing it, you can come to someone who wouldn't be as upset talking about it.

No one gets to say whatever the hell they want, plenty of people rightfully tell other people off for it. But you can say whatever you want in a journal or diary, that can be yours and yours alone.

Yeah, but I don't wanna do the diary thing anymore. I did that for years and... it started to feel like I'm screamin' underwater for help and no one is listening or searching for me.

( with usagi beside her, this gives jinx an opportunity to simply drops her head against the other's shoulder. she feels a little silly that the role is being reversed a bit. jinx is suppose to be the caretaker of her rabbits and yet here she is
desperately wanting affection and comfort. )

... I haven't asked how you've been.

Alright, no diary, no screaming underwater. You can find someone to talk to then, who will listen. Myself or Vi or the others who love you. I will search for you, I know Vi will too. [She strokes Jinx's hair and the back of her head.]

I haven't been great, but I'll be better.

( vi searching for her is a big understatement. the older sister has done nothing but search for jinx. and in a way, it makes her feel rather guilty that she ran off like she did. again. it doesn't sooth her nerves at all when every day, every moment, every second so far, she can feel vi through via bond of her worrying with her sister's heart pounding in her ears. but there's love mixed in it too with all that fretting, and although they've been apart -- jinx sends the warmth right back.

if she could run to her sister right now, she would. but jinx doesn't feel it's safe. not yet. not when there may be citizens of trench seeking for her. some might be but not for the reason she's assuming. her voices convinced the girl that the people are looking for her so they can make her pay for harming chizuru's heart. after all, there was one friend of hers that specifically warned her to not screw up. to not hurt her. and jinx being a jinx did just that. so despite missing vi and taking up usagi's offer to stay for the night, she has to go away again. she has to for her own safety. )

( but hearing how usagi hadn't been well brings her out of her swirling thoughts. jinx lifts up her head then searches over the other's face. )

What's been goin' on?

( she might have failed taking care of chizuru but maybe. just maybe... she can help usagi in some way. )

Edited 2023-04-06 02:59 (UTC)

Thank you for being worried about me, but I don't want to take away from you right now. [She offered softly, still stroking Jinx's hair and holding her.]

You can be open with me, there isn't anything you can say that would scare me. I've been in Deerington and Trench for a long time. No more screaming underwater, yeah?

I'll tell you what's going on with me, but please don't take away from you.

( she melts more into usagi's hold; allowing her tired body to slump against her. jinx just hopes that she isn't putting too much weight on the other girl -- not that she can't help right now. her strength suddenly got away from her. )

I feel... nothing I do is good enough for anyone.

( the girl shifts slightly in the embrace to peer down at her hands, specifically at her two index fingers. on them, there are two tattooed quotes. the right index says, "don't cry" and the left, "you're perfect". )

And I kinda wanna give up because what's the point? — Things felt easier when... my heart wasn't warm and everything was dark and cold.

Edited 2023-04-11 05:07 (UTC)

[Usagi can take the weight, she's much stronger than she looks, though she would understand why Jinx wouldn't know that. She kept stroking Jinx's back and hair.]

Even if things were easier in the dark and cold, were you happier in the dark and cold as well? Or does the warmth make you happier? I don't mean right now, I mean comparing the happiness you felt in the darkness and the happiness you've felt in the warmth.

U-Um... sometimes?

( the light tremble in her voice sounds as if she just took something out of a cookie jar. because her answer is probably a reply usagi wasn't expecting. but it's the honest truth. sometimes, jinx enjoys being dark and cold throughout her days. she can focus on her needs and her needs alone. you can try your damnest to please others and to make them happy, but it wouldn't be enough or the expectation is so great. it gets exhausting; let alone feel unappreciative. )

— But only sometimes. Being around my sis, you, or... whoever feels great, too. Don't gotta worry about facin' stuff alone. Or having someone to talk to during dinner... those are nice.

Edited 2023-04-19 04:15 (UTC)

[Jinx's answer doesn't scare her, it doesn't disgust her. She merely keeps holding onto Jinx and stroking her back and hair.]

That's okay. [she assured her.] It is easier and it's not bad for things to be easy. We feel rage, hatred, jealousy, envy, and all those other things for a reason. If we weren't meant to feel them, why would we have them? But when easy means hurting ourselves and others, that's when there's a problem.

You say you're good at breaking things and shooting bullets? Well, then you can do that in a safe way. Sites might need clearing or monsters may need fighting. You don't have to give up on the things you like if you like them, not just because you feel like it's the only thing you're good at.

You're good at drawing as well, and building and creating things, not just taking them apart.

I do that. ... I have done that. ( she's trying to not sound like a whiny brat as she points it out -- although it might come across that way anyway. ) — And I thought that would satisfy people. Or, y'know, see that I'm tryin' to keep a lid on myself.

( a gentle nuzzle up to the other with her index idly doodling little swirls on usagi's leg. )

I guess it's just... the fact that I don't feel sorry for the stuff I've done back home. And I don't think I ever will. The Enforcers hurt me and my people first, so... I don't regret hurting 'em back.

Alright, so you don't feel sorry. [She offered in response, hugging Jinx a bit closer. Eventually, yes, the hope would be for Jinx to have some remorse for past actions, but those were conversations for another day, further down the line when Jinx was in a place to have that discussion. Trying to make everything happen all at once, that she should feel remorse was too many steps ahead.]

So is it that you feel bad you don't... well, feel bad? [She wanted to make sure she understood.]

No, it's —

( she is trying not to show frustration because that's what led to the ordeal in the first place. well, beyond the fact she said what she said on the network. jinx inhales a deep breath then reroutes her wording. )

Okay.

( breaking away from their hug, she faces usagi with a stern and weighted expression -- indicating that what she is about to say next will have no jokes or goofiness like she tends to bring in conversations. )

I've hurt people, I've killed people, and I've destroyed homes and buildings. I did those things so my city, my people, could have freedom. Maybe I went overboard sometimes o-or I could had let that guy or this guy live. But my job was to bring independence so I did what I needed to do in those missions and remove whoever tried to get in the way of that.

( a brief pause. )

So I don't feel bad. I don't regret it. 'Cuz those people didn't want us to be free. And I enjoyed hurting 'em, it felt good to 'cuz they've been hurting us for years. They're the reason why my parents are dead and why I don't remember their faces anymore.

( her gaze droops down to their feet; frowning further. )

I thought this place was about second chances and, I dunno, with all of us from different realms, we shouldn't judge. ( she waves a hand up. ) — I say shit on the network. Talk about my glory days of when I blew somethin' up or how my enemy looked at me before I tie 'em up or the sweet sound of 'em begging.

( jinx sticks out her leg and sways her foot from side to side. )

And yet... notice how this city is still standing. There's no fires, no one is dying left and right by me, there's no havoc. You wanna know why that is? 'Cuz what's the point? None of you are the Enforcers and besides, ya'll will just come back from the dead.

I'll only kill if my back is against the corner or if someone here is goin' whacko and no one has the guts to put 'em down. And I'd hope if things go down that way, people would be lil' understanding why I did it.

( jinx then tilts her head up to look at their ceiling of the shop. )

And I just... I just thought people got that about me. I'm sayin' crap on the network but I'm not doing any of the things that I'm sayin' here. When I get urges, I take it out on the beasts out there. ... Isn't that enough? What else do I gotta do? Just shaddup and never talk again? Or only talk about sunshine, rainbows, and puppies, while beasts eat our organs or the Pthumerians throws us in the water and we suffocate under ice?

Edited 2023-04-28 15:49 (UTC)

[Usagi listens as Jinx explains, not interrupting, and letting Jinx get it all out as best she could. She closed her eyes at the mention of Trench being about "second chances." Usagi didn't really consider this place someplace for second chances, it was too fond of bringing up the past, making you relive your worst nightmares. The few times this place was about "second chances" and "shedding away the old for the new" you got smacked in the face with your past. She tilts her head and opens her eyes.]

So, I think... Well, I can take a guess a little bit on some things, Jinx. The things you say, it's not that saying them has brought down the city, no one has died, there aren't fires, and all that. It's that... it's that people don't know how serious you are and whether those actions will carry over to them.

You can't... assume what people do and don't know about you. I didn't know half this stuff you told me about the Enforces and your home and we're friends. People are going to take you seriously when you're joking or take you for joking when you're serious. And don't get me wrong, actions do speak louder than those words, and your actions have been good, but...

It's not that you need to shut up and only talk about sunshine and rainbows, but if you make threats, jokingly or otherwise, there are going to be people who take you at your word that the threat is real. And while you don't have to feel bad about what you did, there are going to be people who deeply disagree with you. They're going to tell you that all life is valuable, that you should have found a peaceful way to handle things, that you SHOULD feel bad for ending a life, or to not take pride in killing and being good at killing. They aren't going to understand what you went through, and even if they do understand, they may still disagree at their core because those are their values.

It's one of those things you have to learn where you can't talk about everything with everyone. And you either have to be okay with being misunderstood, which sounds like you aren't, so you're going to have to get comfortable with... explaining things a bit more, or hold back on joking about threats and death.

( and just like usagi, she stays silent to let her speak her mind and her views. jinx may seem she she isn't listening with her gaze at the ceiling still, and then shifting in her seat to rummage inside of her pocket. but she truly is being attentive. she lost one rabbit already and she doesn't want another one running out on her. her face sours a touch, but she doesn't protest or interject any of her points. what she pulls out is a pack of cigarettes, only two sticks left unfortunately (happens when you smoke like a damn chimney over stress), but takes one out of its slot even so.

once usagi finishes, there's a brief moment of stillness between the two. her expression doesn't harden per say, but jinx is definitely in her own head now. thinking over her friend's words, her prospective.

...

the girl flicks her hand to offer the last stick in the pack and also asks; tone lulled: )

Mind if I? ( the blonde bunny doesn't seem like the type to smoke but she wanted to show courtesy. and if she minds, she won't take a puff. jinx can hold off until later. and besides, they are in a shop. so smoking might not be a good idea anyway. not that she cares, of course. )

I don't want to save the world

cw: voices

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Shall we wrap here?

sure!