deercountry | I don't want to save the world

Entry tags:

I don't want to save the world

Who: Usagi Tsukino/Sailor Moon and you!
What: Usagi is dealing with mild corruption and is trying to get rid of it
When: Through mid-March
Where: Beach and Willful Machine

Content Warnings: Violence

A. Strike the Match [Beach]

When the thought 'I wish I could just destroy this whole place' entered her mind, she knew she was in trouble. She knew she was in at least SOME stage of corruption and needed to get it in check.

But the people, outside of Makoto, who she would talk to about the corruption were. all. gone.

And that was the problem. That was why she kept having the thought. Rei, Minako, Hotaru, Setsuna, Varian, Atsushi, Bella, the list went on and on and on and on and on. It was just her and Makoto now.

And then the fearful thought, 'But when would Makoto be next?' would come.

When would another loved one, another precious person be taken? What was even the point to keep going if they were all gone? This was not the first time she had had such thoughts. But this wasn't about Galaxia and an endless war and all life going on. This was just her and her life. This wasn't home. It got incredibly difficult to keep going, to keep hoping they may someday arrive, because there was no way to bring them out of the ocean. But also, she didn't WANT them to arrive. That was the hitch, the problem.

She missed all of her precious people like crazy.

But in her truest of heart's desires, she could never wish them to come to this hell, even if she knew the girls would follow her without hesitation.

"But you're not here," she told the crashing waves. She was Sailor Moon right now, waiting for Maul.

She was so. damn. tired. of this world taking from her, hurting her, and how she was supposed to be okay with it. She didn't even get to mourn Hotaru because this world made her so happy that all she could do was be glad Hotaru got out.

She wasn't okay.

Sailor Moon watched the waves crash around her, a storm out on the horizon making them harsher than usual. The wind whipped her hair around her, her wings going back and forth with the breeze. In her hand was her Tiare.

She sensed someone coming towards her. It wasn't Maul she sensed, but another.

"I would not come any closer," she said, eyes still out on the horizon, her voice harsh. "The waves may suck you under." And she wasn't much in the mood to save anyone. The only reason the waves weren't dragging her away was because of her strength where she stood. "If you have need of the beach there is endless amounts of it," she gestured to the miles of shore.

B. Wildfire [Closed to Maul (and observers)]

Finally, she thought.

"Don't hold back," her head tilted a bit to glance at the Sith behind her, though she did not fully face him, her back still turned to him.

There was a breath, a tic of a second, as if she might change her mind about the whole thing. After all, she was always so hesitant to fight anyone.

She exhaled.

The second passed.

She was already right in front of him, her tiny size and powers allowing her to be deadly fast, her Tiare was raised, fully intending to strike him in the head, whether or not he could block or dodge was his problem.

C. Smoke and ashes [Willful Machine]

The fight had done her a lot of good to get most of her anger out.

But so would shopping. She was currently looking at herself in the mirror, a bright pink and red outfit for springtime. She was turning this way and that with a soft hum and when she saw someone behind her in the mirror she spun around and grabbed their hand, her own nails were still quite sharp as her corruption was still edging away.

"I need your opinion!" she smiled brightly, feeling better and intending on buying a large spring wardrobe with some retail therapy. "How does this look?" she gave a little spin.

(OOC: Unless a character can read souls/auras/have sensitivity in the Force/magic to see through glamours, they will not be able to detect that Sailor Moon and Usagi are the same person.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Throughout the spar, her anger grows and grows and grows. It does not dwindle even as the spar goes on, move for counter move. The anger carries endless other emotions as well, loneliness at all of her precious people from home constantly being taken from her. Sadness that she is helpless to stop it. Anger at herself for wanting them here and being unsatisfied with what she does have. Anger at the world for constantly putting her and others through the endless bullshit. Anger at the Pthumerians for letting this world THEY control seemingly fester and rot.

At some point her anger becomes less controlled, whatever vice grip she has on her anger seemingly snaps at some point in the fight and she gets Maul flat on his back, lightsaber knocked away, and is about to pierce her Tiare through one of his hearts.

Only to stop mere centimeters above Maul's chest, panting, and then dropping the Tiare, scrambling off of him and sobbing. She's terrified at how far she went, how much she was willing to kill in that moment.

She didn't want to kill Maul, she loved Maul, for all of the times he infuriated her and exhausted her, HE came to help HER.

Sailor Moon gets up and screams at the ocean, the type of scream that is from the heart. Tears streaming down her face. She is wild and chaotic and hurting. The anger is replaced with ache.

Heartache. Deep heartache and fear at what she is and what she almost did. Then exhaustion.

Eventually, she collapses to her knees, the storm moves further out to sea, as if her rage and screams chased it away. She sits back on her heels and looks up at the sky.

There is longing there, but the anger is gone. And with it, the rage, she isn't an empty shell or husk, but the rage is like the storm, being carried out to sea and dissipating with the winds. She's just tired.

She's exhausted.

But the rage of the storm has quelled both within and without. After some time, she realizes Ezra is beside her. She knew he was there during the fight, her own senses didn't exactly let her forget the presence of another. She took a deep breath, and opened her mouth to speak, but then, said nothing, she closed her eyes, too tired to even guess what he might say or might scold.

He almost didn't see that moment where Usagi's control came so close to breaking. He doesn't think he could have stopped her in time, if she hadn't stopped herself.

But she did. She did.

He's cautious about coming close as she's screaming out into the ocean - not scared, exactly, but aware that if she accidentally hurt him, that'd be one more thing she'd add to her pile of heartbreak.

Eventually he creeps close enough to sit beside her. When she finally looks up, he asks, softly, "How are you feeling about a hug? Or a hand to hold?"

He's never know her to be less than welcoming about physical affection before. But this is not...most times.

She's silent and closes her eyes, with her eyes still closed she holds out her hand to him.

He can't see under her glove but it's a hand again instead of a claw.

"I almost killed him."

He curls his gloved hand around hers.

"But you didn't. You stopped yourself. That's what matters most."

She's already killed him once, she didn't want to be cause for a second one.

"No, nor did I destroy this planet. And believe me, I wanted to."

Ezra takes that in quietly, with a slow nod. And then tentatively, says, somewhere between question and statement.

"Grief."

"If you're asking me to be specific, another person I love returned to the sea."

So yes, grief.

She didn't have it in her to snap or be angry.

"Talk as much as you like, but I'm not trying to make you," he replies, carefully calm. He glances out over the sea, for a few seconds.

"Someone tried to tell me not long ago that the galaxy wouldn't implode if I were sad or angry. He was trying to be kind, tell me something he thought I needed to hear. I had to tell him if the galaxy was going to burn down just because of how I felt, it would have done that a long time ago."

"The difference is, I can destroy a planet, Ezra. I have destroyed a planet," admittedly, it was a planet possessed by an evil dead man trying to destroy her planet, but it didn't change that she destroyed Nemesis, and that was just as Sailor Moon, she was Eternal Sailor Moon now.

It wasn't meant as a boast, but it was why she sought out Maul. Maul knew she could, that she had the ability to kill him, him, and everything else on this awful planet. This was not her Earth. It could never be.

He shrugs a little. "I don't have that level of power all the time. I have held that sort of power, briefly, a couple of times."

The Sith Temple of Malachor, that could have been a planet killer, if he'd taken it up on it's offer to destroy his enemies. The heart of the Jedi Temple on Lothal, he'd actually used and channelled. As far as he could tell, he'd wiped the physical shell of the Force vergence that was the temple and an entire company of Imperials, right out of time and space. He'd collapsed when it was done, yes, but he's nearly certain he could have done so much more damage. Keeping enough control not to hurt his family, the rest of his home world, had been far more important than trying to find out.

"And I'm not sure what my upper limits are, if I started tearing through minds with my rage, again, or got really creative. I freaked myself out enough to stop trying. I know I can strip will from dozens of animals at a time, to use them as cannon fodder. I'd rather not find out what not caring about not testing those limits might look like."

Which is why he tries to be meticulous about corruption, and meditates with the guardian trees regularly. But someday he may slip up, or it will come on too quickly for him to stop. On a long enough timeline, it may be practically inevitable.

He squeezes her hand, gently. "You saw you were...on an edge. You mitigated."

She doesn't enjoy hurting people either. She tries as hard as she can to NEVER hurt another person.

'You saw you were...on an edge. You mitigated.'

"Is it enough?" she wondered aloud. "When you have so much power, mitigating it..." she pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes. She lets her hands drop to her sides.

"I don't regret my love for the girls and everyone else. I don't think it would be easier to be lonely instead of never getting hurt. But I'm scared to be left all alone. I can't be the only one behind."

The tears began to fall and they burned more than the harsh sea air.

He lets his now empty hand fall into his lap.

"It is enough." That part he says, swift and certain. "You held yourself back from taking a life just because you had the power to do it, and Maul consented to the fight. Maybe you'll find other ways to not get so close to that edge. But today it was enough."

The rest is harder.

He could tell Usagi what he has come to believe: That no one is ever truly alone. That part of the people we love is always with us. That isolation is easier in some ways, but he believes the pain of love is worth it, anyway.

But he doesn't imagine any of that would actually help. It wouldn't change how she feels right now.

"I'm your friend as long as we're here together." That's all he can honestly promise. "But I know it's not the same as the people who really know you."

On any other day, Usagi would agree with him. She knows she's not truly alone. Not even here in Trench. Even back home, when her friends were all murdered in front of her, they were still all connected.

But even KNOWING that, there are days where that isn't enough of a belief. There are days just knowing they're in your heart does not stop the pain from the lack of their presence.

"I know," she turned to look at him and gave a wet smile. "I'm sorry if I'm making it seem that's not enough," Usagi closed her eyes. "But you're right in that it's different from those who know you to your core."

Who has been with her for thousands of years and will be with her for thousands more, whom she's died for and who have died for her. Her sisters in arms, her family, the pieces of her soul that just aren't there. But he knew that, hell, he mentioned it regarding Obi-Wan alone that he was and wasn't the same, that the relationship was different even though it was the same man.

"Sometimes, I'm not even sure what my core is anymore. Or that those who truly know me would like this me that I've become. I would never... I would have never needed to mitigate before. And now I'm having thoughts of destroying planets and killing people."

Ezra gives her a weak smile back. "Don't be sorry for being honest. You're not being cruel about it. One friend being enough is a tall ask, yeah?"

It's never been enough for any of his other loved ones, with so much grief. But that doesn't mean he hasn't helped, either.

"You're not sure what your core is. What would you say it was, in a time you most liked yourself?"

A time she most liked herself.

Well, that... was a hard task to figure out, it wasn't that she hated herself but... it was hard to pinpoint a time when she was happy about herself and not whom she was with.

"I... love my friends and loved ones. I support them and want to see their dreams come true. I want to be there in their victories and sadness to cheer them on or cheer them up. I don't know what they see in me, but I know what I see in them. I protect them. I give up everything I am able to keep them safe, to give them a chance. I suppose a time I most liked myself was when I wasn't being asked to sacrifice everything, though, I just got to be the people I loved most."

"You still cary all that love," Ezra says, sounding certain. But still, he phrases that next part as a question. "That's not what's changed?"

"No, it's not what's changed. I feel... like I've become callous, angry, and jaded," The truth is, Usagi's friends would love her regardless, it is Usagi who hates what she feels like is a shift in her core. "I've never once wanted to destroy a planet, I've never wanted to fight for the sake of a fight," she still doesn't, considering how often she turns Maul down.

"If people like the zealots existed back home, I would do everything I could to get rid of them. But here they're... they're a way of life people just go 'that time of year then, be careful.' The way people turn into beasts, the pollution of this planet. It's not my place to destroy it but I've also made it my business to not help it either. I don't do enough when back home I'd give everything for my universe."

"So despite your inherent power, you feel powerless," Ezra concludes, gently.

"Don't you? No matter how much you meditate, no matter how much you practice and talk and train, one month's blood effects could have you paranoid and trying to attack the people you love, or going against all of your morals and your core. And there is nothing YOU can do about it. You can only... say your apologies, pray you are forgiven, and try and forgive those who hurt YOU under the same influences."

"Yes." He nods, with grim, sympathetic not-smile. "Someday, all the sensible steps I try to take will fail, and something will warp my feelings and thoughts and body and I may try to hurt people. Eventually that will happen. Again. Or something will turn the people I trust into something trying to kill me. Again."

He shakes his head. "I don't really feel more powerless than I did back home."

"I can't go on the rampage I did again, not again... I murdered... and maimed... so many. I caused my best friends to kill me because I could not stop myself. I have never... I do feel more powerless than back home, Ezra. I hate how powerful I am because it makes me and my loved ones targets, but here, I am less powerful and they're even bigger targets."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't want to save the world

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject