Lance (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurestar) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deercountry2021-11-07 05:03 pm
azurestar) wrote in deercountry2021-11-07 05:03 pm
Mostly Closed Catch-all for November
Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw
Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture
( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )
azurestar) and CRWhat: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw
Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture
( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at
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[His hand stays steady, the reassurances stay firm. He's been very careful to keep his touch somewhere covered. Somewhere that won't risk accidental transfer of any feeling. Or memories. He's here for comfort, for support, not to force anything over the line, so to speak.]
[He stays quiet for a while, listening, even while the words he hears twists him all up inside. Stabs at him. He forces himself to stay calm. Steady. That's what Lance needs right now. He glances to one side, and grabs... of all things... pot-holders. It looks ridiculous, but hey, this way he can cup both his hands around his teammate's. Try to apply pressure counter to the way he sees the tension in Lance's muscles.]
I... think that it's all right to not feel like that's what you are. And I mean that it's normal. It's not where we want to be, where we want you to be, but - after all of that, I'd be shocked if you did. I still see it in you, and I think I always will. Like... how you all tell me the same thing.
[That he's a good man, that he's more than what happened. That the people who'd known him Before everything could still see it. Could still bring it out.]
I also don't think he would have hesitated to do the same to you, again. I don't blame you for it. [There are very few people in this place he can't stand. Reaper and Maul both are on that short list.] You're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be hurt.
[Shiro's fairly sure he'd been told the same damn things before. Funny, how easy they are to tell to someone else, to mean them to someone else.]
... Lance, would you blame me, would you think I was wrong, for going after the one who did this? [His right hand slips from the mitt, the metal cold and gleaming in the kitchen light. He knows the answer is going to be "no", but there's a point here he wants to make.]
And honestly... I still want to. Like I wanted to take the fight to Superior in Deerington. What does that say to you about me?
[Again, there's a point. Just go with him on this.]
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His shoulders rise a bit as Shiro talks, his gaze still down cast. And he wishes that it were so easy as being told that he's allowed to feel how he feels. It's one thing to hear it, to know it even… another thing to live by it, to make it part of his core belief about himself and what he deserves. It helps to hear that Shiro still sees him through it all, even if in many ways he struggles to believe it deep down, he wants to.
But when Shiro mentions Reaper not hesitating to hurt him again, he significantly tenses and goes still. Largely because the mere idea of that is harrowing, triggering. But also… Lance isn't so sure what to think about Reaper anymore these days. Something he's not sure he can admit to Shiro. At least not this second, and especially not when he is so confused, conflicted and barely understands himself.
Then Shiro poses that question and admits he still wants to go after him and Lance doesn't instantly shake his head, but not because he's hesitating, he just needs to process the gravity of what's being said. A pause after that head shake, and he tries to summon words after swallowing, and he breathes in a shallow and wet breath due to his injuries and lets it out in a huff.]
I wouldn't blame you… part of me was afraid you would. You and- and Keith especially. [This is the first time he's said Keith's name since after he left almost a year ago and Lance told Shiro their relationship was a mistake. His voice is a quiet croak of barely contained feeling.] And I… didn't want him to hurt you.
[So he never told them. That's not the main reason why, of course. There are so many complex reasons he kept it to himself, most significantly: the heavy shame, the fear, the blame of himself. But there was a part of him that feared telling would put them in that kind of danger.]
I think… anyone would want to… but wanting to isn't the same as doing it. [His head lifts, revealing his confused expression even though he doesn't meet Shiro's eyes. He can tell Shiro is going somewhere with this here, but he's not seeing it yet, trying to go with him on it, but not sure how.]
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You wouldn't blame me. [He echoes Lance there, gently, softening his voice even further. But for all the quiet of his tone, there's not a single hint of doubt. Nothing. He is utterly, completely sincere. Lance wouldn't blame him for taking action against someone who'd hurt him. Or who'd hurt his family.] Not for going after Reaper, Mother Superior, or... if the Witch showed up here.
[His eyes lift, slowly, to meet Lance's. All that sincerity plain to see.]
And, Lance, I tried. I tried to take Superior down every chance I had. I tried to kill her.
[If they're both admitting big things to each other here - he may as well tell him about the attempts. Only Peter had ever been there during them. Well, Peter and Cynthia. He hadn't been successful, but not for a lack of attempts. None of them had any real hope of defeating a Pthumerian, and definitely not in Deerington. His hand tightens, curling fingers through the glove around Lance's.]
So how... could I ever blame you for pulling it off? How could I think any less of you?
[He blames Reaper. He blames Maul. The people who'd driven someone he cares about to this. For no good reason except they could. Or they thought it was teaching him a lesson, or some kind of high and mighty lie like that. What in the hell has this taught his teammate? His friend? Other than to hate himself.]
[Pthumerians help them if he met them alone.]
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But at the same time, he also knows Shiro spaced Sendak all those years ago… what is that if not killing him? Sure, he didn't die, but… he knows Shiro has done things out of trauma and desperation and anger to fear and sheer stubborn force of will and confidence in the things he believes. And he knows that he's being honest and that he could never blame him for any of it. In fact, he admires him for it.
It's so hard to apply that to himself to start viewing himself and what he did in the same way. But in the very least there's a weight lifted in knowing, for certain that Shiro at least in his own way understands some part of it and doesn't think less of him or blame him. He lets out a shuddered breath, the tear that starts to escape is instantly evaporated by the gentle glow of his powers that had started to build.
He nods shakily in acknowledgement. There's still so much he doesn't feel okay with, doesn't understand or feel sure of in the bigger picture. But in the one question of if Shiro personally blames him… he's more clear. It helps a little.] Thanks, Shiro.
[He doesn't know what else to say, there's less of a weight on him but he still feels adrift, like there's a hole that's been carved out of him and… he has no idea how to fix it. What to ask for. Maybe the rest of it is something he needs to figure out alone.]
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[He means it. Wholeheartedly. Like he's meant everything else in this conversation. Honestly, Shiro has no idea how much this is actually helping. If it's helping at all. All he can really do is offer up experiences, offer an ear. He wants to be able to take the trauma away completely, even if he knows, logically, that just isn't possible.]
[Unless, here, maybe it is.]
[Something to file away for later, maybe. In the meantime, all he can do is this. Repeat the support. Repeat the understanding, the lack of blame. He squeezes the hand he's still holding in the oven mitt. It's okay - he's not going anywhere.]
I know it's hard - and I know that's an understatement, believe me. But I'm here for you, okay? I'll do whatever I can.
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He needs something to focus on, something not the gnawing gaping hole he feels inside of his chest. His eyes drift down to the oven mitts on Shiro's hands as he grips through them. That's a good subject shift, yeah…]
What's… with the oven mitts?
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[He has to try and help.]
Hm? [Shiro pauses, and looks down too. Then... laughs. It's quiet, a little self-conscious. A little forced.] Oh uh. I figured it'd help the whole paleblood thing.
Can't really transfer feelings through an oven mitt, right?
[Yeah, that's right. He thinks it applies to all palebloods. Good job, Shiro.]
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Uh, what're you talking about?
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I... thought it was a paleblood thing. Touch people, get their emotions? Was I wrong?
[Should he let go altogether?]
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[Wrong that it's a paleblood thing, at least. It's definitely a him thing, but he's not going to let on to that. At least not the pain-taking part of it.]
Some palebloods only read minds, some make illusions or see the future, buuuut touching isn't a standard part of it for everyone at all. Why the heck did you think that?
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[That's right. Not even a "crap". But he does press a hand to his forehead. Oven mitt and all. When he speaks up again, it's a bit muffled by all the fabric until he drops it.]
I'm sorry. I... thought I was making it easier on you. [He sighs.] I guess I don't know as many of you as I thought? There's you. Ryan...
Wu? I think? I haven't really shaken hands with him or anything since we woke up here, though. [He's had more physical contact with Mako, to be honest.]
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Dude, don't worry about it. It's kinda funny, actually. [He smiles slightly.] I think Wu can make people feel super comforted when he hugs them or something. As for me? I feel like basic emotions just being near people. And, you're actually not that far off. Reeeemember when I first got my star powers and I couldn't touch anyone with bare skin because it was dangerous?
It's kinda like that. So I've got the gloves thing covered just like back then, no oven mitts required. And it's not that big of a deal anyway, I touch you with a bare hand, I feel all your feelings and I can help you feel better, big whoop.
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[No, he can't. It's his terrible coping mechanism, and he likes bad puns. Still - he hadn't overstepped, and that's a relief]
[He will make a mental note to ask Will about it, though.]
I... really just didn't want to make things worse for you. Figured it was better to be overly cautious than not. [Seriously, he'd feel horrendous if he ended up making things worse here. More than that. He's already swimming in guilt where Lance is concerned - it'd just be the icing on the Terrible Cake.] But - I'll keep that in mind. In case I need your help down the line.
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[Then he nods slowly, understanding that… and now feeling bad about keeping the full nature of his powers from Shiro. He closes his eyes against it. If he tells him, Shiro will never let him help in the only way that he feels like he can these days. But he also can feel that guilt and worry and…]
…If I'm being totally honest they're not actually that easy to use. But all I want to do is find something good I can do with all these dumb powers I never wanted…
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[Then he's quiet, again, looking down at his hands. Just listening. It doesn't feel as if he can do much else, these days. There's nothing else he can do to help. He's already let them all down too many times.]
You will. [It's said with all the conviction he can muster. And, well. Since this is Shiro, it's a lot.] Maybe we'll find some kind of wise old Paleblood to help, somewhere.
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Like a paleblood Yoda?