Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

[azurestar]

Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw

Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture

( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )

Comments

[azurestar]

[Well that felt like an emotional punch to the chest, and not in a bad way. In that way that combats one of the very fears that has haunted and tormented him for a long time. That he's defined by everything that happened to him.]

I- [His voice warbles and he swallows.] How do you… know that? That… you're more than it.

[jedies]

I know it with every step I take forward.

[ because it means he can change. that anything can change. it doesn't mean he stops being accountable for the past, but it doesn't need to be end for him. or anyone. ]

Whenever you move forward, you start to believe in more.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods a little shakily, but his expression says he's really having trouble applying it to himself. He closes his eyes and then sits heavily on a nearby pile of logs, leaning his elbows on his knees. Might as well, since he's too caught up in massive emotional confusion to work right now.]

I tried to do that for a long time after… [It was publicly broadcast what Reaper did, he doesn't feel like vocalizing it again.] Maybe… I just wasn't strong enough. I'd… see him all the time. And every time I did, it was like reliving it again, like I was never going to escape. But then I killed him, and…

[And it was the first time in a while he wasn't afraid when he looked at that mask, like he took back control from an abuser who was allowed to walk free, it was so intensely world shifting, he snapped. But he doesn't say that, doesn't have the words right now, if he ever will.

He's so scared about what it says about him that it took killing the person he feared so deeply and refused to get revenge on for so long to feel like he might be able to finally move forward from that experience. Divided is almost not strong enough of a word to describe how he feels. He shrugs a little helplessly, heavily. Even saying this much is visibly difficult for him, so he swallows and just skips to the end where he asks in a small, confused voice:]

Did I do the wrong thing?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan glances at lance. ]

Is that what matters to you? If it is right or wrong?

[ because while it's worthwhile to put a moral judgement on such a thing, obi-wan is not sure if it's important when it's in the past. especially if it might be used in self-flagellation. ]

[azurestar]

[Lance's brows draw together as he looks back up at Obi-Wan, not understanding.]

Shouldn't it? I mean… when I was growing up there was always a pretty strict list of things you just never do, no matter what. Though, ever since I was pulled into an intergalactic space war, a lot of those rules have been majorly challenged, but revenge was always bad. You're supposed to call the authorities, let the courts handle it and then the criminal goes to jail to be rehabilitated and serve a sentence. That's what's supposed to happen, anyway.

[He stands with a nervous energy and paces a bit.]

And… and who am I if finally getting him back, the thing that was always bad no matter what… felt right to me? Karkat said in his culture it would be totally justified, but I'm not a Troll, I'm not- I don't know what I am anymore.

[jedies]

The reason revenge is often denounced is because it merely continues the cycle of violence. There is always someone else who will swear revenge and thus, it never ends.

But it sounds to me as though you attached all your fears to Reaper and exorcised them in that death. How you account for that is up to you, but it's less to do with right or wrong and more to do with who you want to be moving forward.

What you are, what you want to be is still up to you.

[azurestar]

[Lance nods as Obi-Wan talks about revenge. And then looks at him with eyebrows drawn together as he starts to really comprehend what Obi-Wan is telling him, even if it doesn't immediately fix everything, it's appreciated and he'll remember it]

…That's why I wouldn't kill Maul. Or let him kill me. I dunno if I broke the cycle, though. He'll probably try to kill me again next time he sees me. [He shrugs because what you gonna do, right?]

But… I think I get what you're saying now. I dunno if I got rid of all my fear, but it felt like maybe I could start to… I… [his voice wavers a bit] I wanna believe you're right.

[jedies]

Then perhaps you should let me believe in you.

Until you are ready to do so yourself.

[azurestar]

[Lance looks surprised by that and then confused.]

But… you barely know me. [And now that he's said it aloud, he is realizing he just let someone he doesn't know well see a pretty vulnerable side of himself and he flushes.] Well, I guess now you've seen more of me than most people, but…

[jedies]

What is there to be known?

Sometimes you just need someone to believe in you.

[azurestar]

…Man, it is such a bummer that Shiro's too much of a nerd to function around you. You guys would be an unstoppable pep talk support team.

[Sorry, not sorry, Shiro]

[jedies]

[ bemused. ]

Is he now?

[azurestar]

[Welcome to emotional talks with Lance, Obi-Wan.]

Oh, totally. I bet he's totally over exaggerating, though. It's probably just like meeting your childhood hero for him. He was actually my hero, and I figured out how to function around him.

[jedies]

It is always a bit of overwhelming experience to meet someone so important.

[azurestar]

Sure is. But uh... thanks for talking to me and coming by to check in on uh, I guess the sith rampage damage report.

[He awkwardly glances around at that last part.]

[jedies]

[ he inclines his head politely. ]

You're welcome.

[azurestar]

[Lance smiles slightly, though it struggles to reach his eyes. Despite that, it is genuine. Then he gestures to a cart nearby.]

Well, back to work. There's some tools over there if you wanna spend some time working on something simple. Maybe it'll help get your mind off of the schism with your friend. [He rubs the back of his neck a bit awkwardly.] I wish I had more to offer than that.

[jedies]

What you've offered is more than enough. Some manual labour will do me wonders, I'm sure.

[azurestar]

[He smiles again, relieved. He's not a Jedi, he's kind of a mess and has no idea how he could give someone like Obi-Wan advice, but he can do this.]

Great! I've heard it can "focus the mind."

[jedies]

[ he chuckles. ]

You're not wrong.