deercountry | Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

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Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

Who: Fern

laminae and open.
What: Catch-all log for January.
When: Early January so far.
Where: Around Trench.

Content Warnings: Violent death, fighting, post-death blues.

Let's fight a god (Closed to Dirk and Varian)

[Fern can't figure out if this is the best idea he's ever had, or the worst. He's hit a point in his desperation where any idea, no matter how unlikely or ridiculous-sounding, is an idea he's willing to try. He is, of course, being driven by his love for Varian, his desire to see the person he cares most about in the world stop spiraling into the abyss, and he's well aware that making decisions ruled by emotions generally isn't the best thing to do. But at the same time they've tried so many other things - those supposed anti-corruption cookies, taking Varian out to socialize and have more company, indulging in his love of science - and nothing has worked. Varian has steadily gotten worse and worse, and that's why he's out here today. Before leaving the house he sent his boyfriend a quick text, deliberately doing so to make sure he won't get it too soon and try to stop him before he confronts The Tower.

At least he's brought someone along. Dirk was the natural choice for him, what with his godhood and experience with cosmic beings and his willingness to put up a fight. Between the two of them they have more experience with gods than most people, so if he has any chance at all of getting a solution out of Varian's Patron Pthmuerian it'll be with him. And if he doesn't, well, at least he tried. He tried and he'll find some other idea to try. He'll keep on trying until Varian starts to improve, and not before then.

(The idea that he might just fail, that Varian might get so bad there's no coming back from him and he might end up the Lumenarium does occur to him, but he refuses to actually entertain that notion. He's risking even more corruption himself if he does.)

It was at least easy to figure out which Patron was Varian's. The hideout during November, as well as Varian's personality and love of science makes it clear to him that it could only be The Tower. From there it was only a matter of asking around to find out where the most recent sighting of the Pthumerian was - a little plaza in Gaze near the School of Mutter, the area circled by ancient, crumbling statues and gnarled old trees. It's creepy and ominous but there he is, standing starkly in contrast to the other statues, looking as if he's been carved out of smooth marble. Several ravens have settled themselves on his shoulders, content to be resting there despite the chilly weather.

Fern's hands clench into fists and he has to resist the urge to form a grass sword. The familiar weight would offer some comfort, but he's here to talk, not attack the guy. So he glances to his side, over at Dirk.]

Oookay, let's do this.

Post-death - For Varian

[Fern's crystallized grassy remains in the little plant pot for the next few days. They don't do much, no rooting or responding to the grow light Luz has set up. The grass remains suspended in the crystals, still and silent, until one night when squid ink begins to leak out of the shreds of plant matter, through the crystal and into the dirt. What follows is a fairly quick process: the crystal cracks and breaks, and from the grass Fern's squid body remains. It only remains that way for a few moments though, suddenly overtaken by a whole surge of grass as Fern regrows the rest of his body, a large lump of grass that ungracefully falls off the table and onto the floor.

Smooth.]

Post-death - OTA

[It takes him a little while to fully pull himself back together and feel some semblance of normal, but eventually Fern manages. He thankfully doesn't have the deathflu to contend with, so all it is is general exhaustion from having been dead and literally regrowing his entire body. It means that for the first few days of being back, he sticks near the house in Cassandra instead of going out to his usual haunts in Ache and Willful Machine, not wanting to worry anyone about overexerting himself.

He can generally be found up on the roof, always accompanied by one horse-sized black wolf who happens to be toasty warm. There's one huge upside to having a fire wolf for a friend, Hazel's proximity is perfect in fighting off the chill of winter.

If anyone approaches the house and enters the yard Hazel's ears will perk up, though Fern will give the wolf a reassuring pat on the head before waving.]

The Red - Rest and Recovery

[The flyer sounds a little sketchy, but Fern remembers some of the kinder parties in Deerington, and honestly, the idea of hanging out somewhere supposedly safe from corruption sounds nice. Exactly the kind of thing at least half the Sleepers in Trench need after the situation with Varian, and even though he had been dead at the time that includes himself.

He can be found at The Red on various nights, dressed up in his outfit from Madam Generosity, a style that's a combination of viking and barbarian with one very furry, very cozy-looking fur cloak. Early on in the month he's more commonly found curled up in one of the giant cushions, drinking some soda, exhausted and recovering from his time being dead.]

The Red - Music Jam

[Later on in the month, when he's feeling more like his usual self, he'll be taking a bit more of an active interest in the talent and fashion shows. He finds a seat near the stage, especially interested in the musical acts.

Maybe he's brought his guitar with him tonight, strumming it idly in between act. Or maybe it's another night where he has one very steampunk-looking flute in his hands, drumming his fingers along it anxiously. If anyone happens to take a seat next to him he looks over.]

They're pretty good, huh?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's good. So we know that - talking people down, when this happens can work. That's what I thought.

[ And he feels a guilty little pang over the fact that what he did wasn't enough, but he shoves that aside as being selfish and tries to be grateful for what did work, and lets himself believe he might've contributed at least a little. ]

But it'll be better for everybody if we can stop things like this from happening to begin with, [ he agrees. ] Which means supporting each other, and being willing to ask for help.

[ His smile fades a little bit, and he sighs. ]

I know that isn't always easy, though.

[Fern nods. It still sounds unreal to him, but it worked and there's no denying that.]

It's really not. Back in Ooo I had a mental vault where I'd shove stuff I can't handle, I bet there're a lot of people around here who have something like that, too.

[He huffs.]

We gotta find some way to get through to them that doing that's only gonna hurt them.

Oh. [ says Orpheus. ] No, that... sounds familiar.

[ Maybe he didn't think of it as a vault, but. He's definitely been shoving certain things to the side to avoid thinking about them rather than trying to handle any of it. ]

Hopefully if we tell people about why this happened, they'll be more careful? Knowing how bad it can get, and that you'll hurt the people around you instead of just yourself if you try to keep everything inside - that should be enough, right?

[He makes a noise like a sigh. Yeah, the mental vault is very specifically a Finn thing, but he doesn't doubt the general concept is something other people are doing.]

It'll at least make 'em way more aware. That's better than leaving everyone in the dark and keeping all this to ourselves.

[ Orpheus nods, solemnly. ]

Right. I sort of promised Eurydice already that I'd be less, um. [ He gestures, trying to find the right word. ] Dismissive, of my own problems, too. It's just hard not to look at people doing worse than you and think your issues can wait? But, I can see how everybody doing that would make things worse.

[Fern's expression lightens and he smiles a bit at the promise Orpheus made to Eurydice. That sounds pretty serious, so he's sure Orpheus will do his best to keep that promise and not disappoint the person he loves.]

Yeah. When I was Finn I was used to putting everyone else first. Still feels hard to change that. I bet Eurydice was happy you promised her that, though.

[ Orpheus sighs. ]

I think she was just glad I stopped worrying about Varian long enough to pay attention to my leg being hurt.

[ In his defense it had felt like the much bigger issue at the time, between the adrenaline dampening the pain and the way he'd watched the hunters run off in pursuit after him. ]

I'm tired of making her worry about me. We promised we'd look after each other, and I keep doing things that mean she has to take care of me instead. I don't want her to have to do that. Not all the time.

What happened there? You're not gonna lose it, are you?

[He just... wants to be sure. After Varian's leg and everything.]

I get that. It's easy to forget that kinda thing when you're so focused on them, huh?

Hmm? Oh, no, it's fine. [ For a given value of 'fine'. ] Varian was trying to defend himself from some hunters, and he caught me by accident. I'm just a little burned, but I'll heal.

[ It might not look pretty, but he'll take it. ]

It is. Sometimes it's helpful, being able to do that? To forget about yourself and push through anything. But... it's probably good to know when to stop, too.

... Oh. [Aw geez, if Varian doesn't already know about this then he isn't going to be happy. Devastated, more like.] There might be blood ministers who can help.

[With the healing and whatnot.]

It's... it's something to work on. Knowing when to stop. [He has no idea how to go about that, but just knowing they need to work on that is the first step, right?]

I've been to see a few already. They gave me some ointments to keep the wound clean and help it heal better. It'll just take some time.

[ He wiggles his foot a little bit, for emphasis. See? Fine. ]

I've never been good at that. [ he admits. ] It's just so easy to get caught up in things. I'm... really lucky, in that I've always had people around me, who were willing to try to step in when I got carried away? But I didn't always... listen to them. I'm trying to be better about that.

That's - that's good. You should be okay, then.

[Hopefully. There aren't many other options, here.]

Hah, same. Getting carried away is way easier. And usually more fun. [Right up until it comes back to bite them in the ass.]

[ Orpheus smiles a little - it's not exactly good that Fern gets it, but despite it all he's glad to hear he's not the only one. ]

I just have a really hard time letting go of things once I've managed to start? And sometimes that works really well! I'm pretty sure if I stopped to think about it all I wouldn't have made it all the way to the Underworld, when I went.

[ He's pretty sure stopping to think about it is what ruined his attempt to leave with Eurydice, even. ]

But it's not always the healthiest? And I can see how it'd be really upsetting to watch, for the people around me.

You got a good point there. Sometimes stopping and thinking is about the worst thing you can do.

[He can definitely see that horrible idea with Orpheus' situation. Sometimes when you walk into Hell the last thing you should do is stop and think.]

Yeah. They're the ones we gotta be thinking about. 'Would this hurt my friends and family?' Because that's the most important thing here, not hurting them.

Right. It's just a good thing to ask yourself every now and then in general, maybe? Because sometimes the things that hurt people aren't always, um. Obvious.

[ At least not to him, not always. Orpheus can be pretty perceptive when he tries, but the problem is sometime he just. Forgets to. ]

It's just hard, because, well. I guess you know what it's like? [ He grimaces, apologetic. ] Doing something you think will help, but it only makes things worse. And maybe if you'd thought to ask if it was a good idea, they would've told you 'no,' but you didn't, or they did tell you that and you just didn't listen because you thought you knew best.

[ He shakes his head. ]

I'm trying not to repeat old mistakes here, but it's not always easy to see in the moment.

That's not a bad idea. It might help keep us, what's the word for it? Grounded? Some junk like that.

[It isn't always obvious to him either, so it's good advice. He nods at what Orpheus says. He's really good at making things worse, and not so good at making them better.]

Ugh, I'm so bad at doing the right thing in the moment. It always feels like I do the opposite, 'cause I'm not good at stopping and thinking and everything.

[ Orpheus nods, solemnly. ]

Everyone's instincts lead them the wrong way sometimes, [ he says, frowning. ] But I know it's hard when you feel like that's true more often than it isn't. For what it's worth, I think you're better at helping people than you give yourself credit for? But I do understand.

[ He sighs, leaning back against the slant of the roof. ]

There aren't easy answers that always work in every situation. Trying to treat everyone with kindness is a start, but even that can get complicated - maybe especially? - and it doesn't always work.

More for some people than others. [Especially when some of your instincts are coming from a violent eldritch nightmare. It's rough. Life is rough.]

But - thanks. It helps knowing someone thinks that, even if I don't. And that you get it.

[He makes a bit of noise, flopping back so he's resting against Hazel.]

Being nice to everyone sucks, though. Sometimes I just don't wanna be nice to people.

Some people make it a lot harder than others. [ Orpheus admits. ] Being nice to them, I mean. Usually because they aren't trying to do the same, or they are trying, but the haven't realized that what's good for them isn't necessarily good for everyone else. I don't know which is worse.

[ He frowns, resting his head on his hands as he lies back on the roof. ]

And of course, sometimes even when you want to be kind to someone, the kindest thing to do isn't always... intuitive? Because kindness looks different to different people, again, or because someone is doing something that's hurting them or others and you need to make them stop instead of make them happy first, or something. It's complicated! People are complicated.

[Fern nods along at all of this. Orpheus is putting it way, way better than he ever could, which isn't surprising. As a musician, Orpheus is an eloquent guy.]

Y'know, you're making kindness sound like some giant mountain that's impossible to get over. [He knows it isn't, he knows this is just the realities of being kind of people.] All of it's complicated. Too bad there isn't an instruction book on this, or something. I doubt the Enchiridion's got anything useful.

Oh, it's not. Most days it's very easy, at least for me?

[ He pauses, thinking, then realizes that might've sounded like bragging, and backs up. ]

Um, it depends on whether you surround yourself with people who make it easy to be kind to them. People who recognize the types of kindness you like to do, or who you know well enough to tell when they want something else. But sometimes we wind up in situations where that's not the case, and that's when it gets hard. In the end, I guess the best thing to do is try to communicate clearly?

[ Make sure everyone is on the same page, or at least try. He worries his lip, frowning slightly. ]

The Enchiridion, though? What's that?

[Yeah, Orpheus has a good point. It's the people you surround yourself with who can really help.]

I think I've done that most of the time. I hope I have.

[He isn't great at being on the same page at other people, though.]

Oh, uh. It's a guidebook for heroes from home. It was also kiiind of the power source for those portals we tried back in Deerington.

I can't speak for anyone else? But you're a good friend to me, at least.

[ Orpheus smiles over at him, though that fades as Fern brings up the whole thing with the portals. ]

Right, that. [ That didn't go so well, did it? Orpheus goes a little distant, thinking about Julia and how hard he'd tried to help her in the midst of all that, with all the guardians and the fighting and the giant triangle screaming, but after a moment he snaps out of it. ]] I guess it must be pretty powerful? Do you still have it here?

[Aw, at that Fern smiles a little.]

Really? Thanks, man. You're a good friend, too.

[He nods at that question.]

Yup, it's down in my bedroom. Still in one piece and everything. Which is kind of crazy, but then the whole house showed up here, so....

I still don't really understand how all these buildings got - rearranged like this. [ says Orpheus, patting the roof for emphasis. ] But I'm glad you and Varian and the others still have your house. That was probably a relief.

[ Orpheus doesn't mind losing his apartment too terribly, but it did make the first few days after he found himself here kind of interesting, carrying his whole life on his back. ]

Do you think there's anything in it about... controlling yourself, if you become a monster? Or is that something that happens to heroes less, in Ooo?

Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

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