Keep a running list of all your doubts and your dead ends

[laminae]

Who: Fern laminae and open.
What: Catch-all log for January.
When: Early January so far.
Where: Around Trench.

Content Warnings: Violent death, fighting, post-death blues.

Let's fight a god (Closed to Dirk and Varian)

[Fern can't figure out if this is the best idea he's ever had, or the worst. He's hit a point in his desperation where any idea, no matter how unlikely or ridiculous-sounding, is an idea he's willing to try. He is, of course, being driven by his love for Varian, his desire to see the person he cares most about in the world stop spiraling into the abyss, and he's well aware that making decisions ruled by emotions generally isn't the best thing to do. But at the same time they've tried so many other things - those supposed anti-corruption cookies, taking Varian out to socialize and have more company, indulging in his love of science - and nothing has worked. Varian has steadily gotten worse and worse, and that's why he's out here today. Before leaving the house he sent his boyfriend a quick text, deliberately doing so to make sure he won't get it too soon and try to stop him before he confronts The Tower.

At least he's brought someone along. Dirk was the natural choice for him, what with his godhood and experience with cosmic beings and his willingness to put up a fight. Between the two of them they have more experience with gods than most people, so if he has any chance at all of getting a solution out of Varian's Patron Pthmuerian it'll be with him. And if he doesn't, well, at least he tried. He tried and he'll find some other idea to try. He'll keep on trying until Varian starts to improve, and not before then.

(The idea that he might just fail, that Varian might get so bad there's no coming back from him and he might end up the Lumenarium does occur to him, but he refuses to actually entertain that notion. He's risking even more corruption himself if he does.)

It was at least easy to figure out which Patron was Varian's. The hideout during November, as well as Varian's personality and love of science makes it clear to him that it could only be The Tower. From there it was only a matter of asking around to find out where the most recent sighting of the Pthumerian was - a little plaza in Gaze near the School of Mutter, the area circled by ancient, crumbling statues and gnarled old trees. It's creepy and ominous but there he is, standing starkly in contrast to the other statues, looking as if he's been carved out of smooth marble. Several ravens have settled themselves on his shoulders, content to be resting there despite the chilly weather.

Fern's hands clench into fists and he has to resist the urge to form a grass sword. The familiar weight would offer some comfort, but he's here to talk, not attack the guy. So he glances to his side, over at Dirk.]

Oookay, let's do this.

Post-death - For Varian

[Fern's crystallized grassy remains in the little plant pot for the next few days. They don't do much, no rooting or responding to the grow light Luz has set up. The grass remains suspended in the crystals, still and silent, until one night when squid ink begins to leak out of the shreds of plant matter, through the crystal and into the dirt. What follows is a fairly quick process: the crystal cracks and breaks, and from the grass Fern's squid body remains. It only remains that way for a few moments though, suddenly overtaken by a whole surge of grass as Fern regrows the rest of his body, a large lump of grass that ungracefully falls off the table and onto the floor.

Smooth.]

Post-death - OTA

[It takes him a little while to fully pull himself back together and feel some semblance of normal, but eventually Fern manages. He thankfully doesn't have the deathflu to contend with, so all it is is general exhaustion from having been dead and literally regrowing his entire body. It means that for the first few days of being back, he sticks near the house in Cassandra instead of going out to his usual haunts in Ache and Willful Machine, not wanting to worry anyone about overexerting himself.

He can generally be found up on the roof, always accompanied by one horse-sized black wolf who happens to be toasty warm. There's one huge upside to having a fire wolf for a friend, Hazel's proximity is perfect in fighting off the chill of winter.

If anyone approaches the house and enters the yard Hazel's ears will perk up, though Fern will give the wolf a reassuring pat on the head before waving.]

The Red - Rest and Recovery

[The flyer sounds a little sketchy, but Fern remembers some of the kinder parties in Deerington, and honestly, the idea of hanging out somewhere supposedly safe from corruption sounds nice. Exactly the kind of thing at least half the Sleepers in Trench need after the situation with Varian, and even though he had been dead at the time that includes himself.

He can be found at The Red on various nights, dressed up in his outfit from Madam Generosity, a style that's a combination of viking and barbarian with one very furry, very cozy-looking fur cloak. Early on in the month he's more commonly found curled up in one of the giant cushions, drinking some soda, exhausted and recovering from his time being dead.]

The Red - Music Jam

[Later on in the month, when he's feeling more like his usual self, he'll be taking a bit more of an active interest in the talent and fashion shows. He finds a seat near the stage, especially interested in the musical acts.

Maybe he's brought his guitar with him tonight, strumming it idly in between act. Or maybe it's another night where he has one very steampunk-looking flute in his hands, drumming his fingers along it anxiously. If anyone happens to take a seat next to him he looks over.]

They're pretty good, huh?

Comments

[no_reload]

[Wraith waited a moment or two longer before hopping down from the chimney to be closer to investigate the tin, strutting right by the wolf in question. He then stopped and peered at Fern, cocking his head before a flick of tail feathers were indication of Reaper's location on a different rooftop.

It was clear that any words spoken to Wraith were passed over to Reaper as he shifted where he was standing but took it slow to teleport the distance. Even then, he kept himself a respectable distance.]

Once you're finished, Wraith will pick up the tin.

[laminae]

[Fern follows the direction Wraith's feathers are pointing, giving Reaper a small wave as he makes his way over. Hazel will watch both him and the bird, but he doesn't move from his spot.]

Okay. Thanks for this, kinda the best thing ever to eat after dying since I don't need to worry about the flu.

[no_reload]

[Once Reaper had made his way over, Wraith sounded a haunting cry and took to the wing to come and land on his shoulder.]

I told you death effects were different here.

[laminae]

I know. But it's one thing hearing that, it's another going through it.

[Fern shrugs a little.]

Besides, who even knows if a plant coming back from the dead is the same as a person.

[no_reload]

[Reaper stared at Fern for a long silent moment. Then he purposefully folded his arms over his chest and stood rather rigidly.]

You are a person.

[He spoke with a deadly firmness that broached no-nonsense and slammed the door for any attempt at rebuttal.]

[laminae]

[Fern opens his mouth to argue, then stops, resisting the urge to grumble about that. Reaper is right, he needs to remember Reaper is right.]

Plant person. Better?

[no_reload]

[Reaper didn't need to glare to make it clear that he would argue any way necessary. He didn't have to because Wraith was in range and stood high to look Fern in the eye and glare.

Then the peacock sang a harmonious tune at the acquiesce and swished Fern lightly with tail feathers.]

Better. [A beat.] Is the rumour true that you fought a Pthumerian?

[laminae]

[Add another first to Fern's list, getting glared at by a pitch black peacock. He snorts a tiny bit when the bird chirps. This thing is just as extra as Reaper is.

He glances over at Reaper, rubbing the back of his head.]

Um, yup. Picked a fight with the Tower and lost to Never Mind. The guy doesn't look like a fighter but he packs a punch.

[no_reload]

[That would explain the death. But there was still useful information to be had. After all, from what he had heard, none of the Sleepers had tried to kill a Pthumerian thus far.]

How did the fight with Tower go before Never Mind reduced you to mulch?

[laminae]

[They haven't, Fern is lucky to be the first and he hates it.]

It wasn't much of a fight. I made demands, but the guy said he couldn't help, so I got mad and took a swing.

[no_reload]

[He wondered if they could be killed, or if they would also retain the cycle of rebirth as the Sleepers did. It was something not particularly tested, especially if Fern's description was any indication.]

Did you make contact with your swing though?

[laminae]

Not with the Tower, no. I got a hit in on Never Mind, so I guess that's kind of cool.

[Fern shrugs, then looks down at the meatloaf, pensive.]

I wasn't strong enough to do much else. I just feel lucky that everyone was around to help Varian.

[no_reload]

It's more than most probably.

[He watched Fern and finally crossed his arms over his chest, already guessing where this turn of the conversation was going to go. This was where he was supposed to go all supportive adult mode, wasn't it?]

It sounds like you picked the wrong fight. You picked the easier one because it was physical rather than fight directly for Varian.

[laminae]

Hah, that'd be kinda cool.

[That he did something most other people haven't.]

Yeah. It... felt like a good idea at the time, but now it just seems really stupid. [He makes a noise like a sigh.] A lot of things I thought were good ideas seem really stupid, now.

[no_reload]

I suppose you can gloat about it when you're feeling better.

[He wasn't entirely certain of Fern's healing time. Sure, the kid was a person, but there was still a strong element of grass involved.

He grunted in agreement. Numerous decisions in one's life would feel that way no doubt.]

Perhaps if and when there is a next time, you'll have more experience to make a better decision for the one you're actually try to save. [Even from him, fighting wasn't always the answer. But it could always be a bad attempt at a solution.] Experience makes us grow wiser and more bitter. You'll get it right in time.

[laminae]

I'm making a mental note of that, "brag about taking on a God when I don't feel like I need a dozen naps."

[He totally is, because it's just about the only bright spot in this whole mess.]

Pretty sure that's never gonna happen. [He's talked to Maul about this, and his doubts about ever becoming wiser from his experiences. He isn't wise, he's just a mess. Which is why he's shifting uncomfortably - he doesn't have any confidence in being wiser, but at least he can try to screw up messes he's caused, starting with Reaper.]

I was wrong about saying you shouldn't be in the house. Varian proved any of us can turn dangerous if we're on our own. If he had turned into a beast when he was at the house, then Luz and Luca and Ahiru - [They might've gotten hurt, or worse.

He shakes his head.]

I was being dumb.

[no_reload]

I would take the track of punching a god, but whatever will swell your ego more and be as close to the full truth as possible so it won't be questioned.

[He expected any such gloating wouldn't last long. Fern seemed to be one that backslid far too readily into self-flagellation over bad decisions made for mostly good reasons.]

It won't if you don't take time to consider all aspects of your decision and attempt to learn from it. Your ability to grow is purely personal, and it requires work and introspection. [Some of them had no reason to change, or their personal change was more having opportunities that had either been taken or given up. Fern was young, which left plenty of room for personal growth.] I assume you have an Omen. Put them in charge of checking you.

[He watched Fern for a long quiet moment, and Wraith was also giving a constant, likely unnerving stare as well. It still burned him deeply that he had been told to leave the house when it had been clear he wasn't in a good position to defend himself. He had lived a life where he had to watch his back for many reasons, but a perceived ally doing so was a heinous crime that he often visited death or some petty vindication on the other.

But Fern was a kid, and he supposed there was something to admitting mistakes.]

You were wrong, but you have your concern. What made you most wrong was your timing; if you wanted me to leave, it should have been done when I was close to being recovered. [As it was, he had left and had to go into relative hiding.]

[laminae]

[Reaper certainly isn't wrong. As much as Fern likes the idea of being able to be proud of taking on a god here, he doesn't expect those feelings to last. Even now the fact that he failed still drags it all down.]

I know. [It's finally sunken into his head, after all this time. Between this, between Varian telling him his feelings about him dying back home, between Usagi trying to help him be less violent - he's learning he needs to work harder, be better at considering things and not just jumping straight into violence. It's still daunting and he isn't particularly confident he'll actually be able to do better, but he knows he has to try.

He gives a little nod at the Omen suggestion. Blodeuwedd is much, much better at the thinking thing, so that's a great idea.]

I was double-stupid, yup. [He wouldn't be who he was if he didn't make absolutely horrendously bad decisions, sometimes!] It's still something I'm worried about, but there's a better way I could've dealt with it than kicking you out. I'm - I'm really sorry about all of that, I should've been smarter.

[no_reload]

[It would take time, and it seemed to him that all of them had plenty of that to spare if Trench was shaping up the way that it was. They were probably all going to have another crash course of personal development and personal trauma all mixed into one.

There was one last thing to consider one that topic.] And don't let any personal failings crush you. Failing is a good learning opportunity, as much as it is terrible and humiliating.

[He was certain that such a matter was one that Fern had heard many times over. If not, well there it was. Said and done.]

Hindsight is twenty-twenty. It's over and done with now, so we move on.

[laminae]

[It's a good learning opportunity. He'd love to just take that and run with it, and have things be no big deal, but he still feels awful. It'll be a while before he feels something resembling normal (for himself, anyways).]

I guess.

[He does look a bit more hopeful at that, at least.]

Does that mean you're gonna come back?

[no_reload]

[He expected that any residual feelings of regret would hold Fern accountable for a bit longer. Maybe there would be personal growth, though he knew it had taken him a long time to achieve any kind of personal growth since he was very stubborn.

Nothing like some humiliation to add to wanting to dig in rather than learn.

He tilted his head at the question, a stillness coming over his body. He thought an invitation might come, but he wasn't certain what to do about it.]

You want me back despite the danger I still pose even without corruption?

[laminae]

[Fern is looking more and more nervous as the seconds pass. Maybe he was dumb to ask that, he isn't sure, but he's certainly feeling it right now.

He gives Reaper a small nod.]

Yeah, I do. Everything that went down with Varian showed me it's dumb to try and predict just who's gonna be dangerous. That - that trying to do that is only gonna make everything worse. I'm still scared, but making you feel like you don't belong doesn't help anyone.

[no_reload]

Assessing danger level is smart, especially knowing those closest to us can do the most damage. [And not just physically.] It's preparation and mitigation where you need to improve, and that comes with planning and practice.

[He watched Fern as he spoke, keeping his tone a mostly neutral growl.]

Are you scared of me?

[laminae]

[That's... kind of encouraging. It sounds right, so even though Fern feels like a complete failure he relaxes a little. He's got something he can work on, he needs to get better at preparing and mitigating danger.

At the question he shifts, thinking on it deeply before answering.]

I... I'm scared of Varian getting hurt. Not of you.

[no_reload]

[He sighed from his nose. Of course that would be the fear. That's the risk one took from getting too close to someone else.]

Varian probably fears the same thing for you, but getting hurt is likely to happen to the both of you. How you deal with it is the only thing you can control sometimes.