deercountry | the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Entry tags:

the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: January event catchall
When: January
Where: The Snake Den and around Trench

Content Warnings: Eye trauma, blood, swearing, artful robot nudity, will add as they come in

a. i will trust the artist molding me [the snake den]

Anna doesn't really need much help right now cutting loose at the Snake Den. Madam G has been on her list of Pthumerians to check out for a while, and even if there had been some kind of reluctance to begin with, now that she's here mingling in a borrowed suit she feels downright comfortable. It's like she's ten years younger, and though her voice is still smoky and she's still missing an eye as far as physical age goes, socially she's just. Free, right now. It's nice.

It's nice enough that, when she's not striking up conversation with other people, she decides to indulge herself in the open mic. Borrowing an electric bass from backstage, she walks up, sits down, plugs in, and grabs the mic. "This is one from back home," she says, "By a band called Silversun Pickups. It's about finding freedom and acceptance and love in the places and with the people that everyone else tells you to stay away from. They'll say that the only way to be who you are is to file yourself off. That you need to hold yourself back to make other people comfortable without ever worrying if you're comfortable." She's talking very passionately for someone who doesn't think of herself as a motivational speaker. With a confident look, she finally leads into the song. "Let's bury that lie, Trench. This is called 'The Pit'."

And she starts playing, and she starts singing. And when she doesn't need to be playing and her hands are free, even she's not really sure how she does it, but she finds a way to channel her androidinous self to modify her own voice—just for a little bit, just to test it out. Just to see what happens, before she snaps back into the final lines of the song. And regardless of how it's received, once she's done, she puts the bass down and gently thanks the crowd. Her heart-simulacrum is pulsing faster than it should be as she gets off the stage, and she waits there in the wings in case she happened to inspire anyone with that performance.

b. the echo of what is and what will be [the shedding ceremony]

This is... not a good month for Anna outside of that, so far. For her time at the Snake Den, yes, she's still resonating with A2, and she's still who she thinks she is. But it never really takes long for her to start shedding her own skin again, and damn her brain but she can't stop fucking picking at it long enough to avoid the transformation.

The first time it happens, Anna emerges in a pure white dress that she's wasting no time in staining red. Her hair is longer, cleaner, and in lieu of a katana she's brandishing a blood-red shortsword in her battles with these beasts at the edge of the city. Taking zero precautions against pollution or corruption, she swings her blade right at the neck and lets the blood spray wash over her. When it stops, she hunches forward and shrieks out a strangely melodic note while the beast falls over dead. Her back straightens, and it's clear even from whatever distance anyone may be watching at that she's no longer entirely who people might know. The flower blossoming from her right eye is a good early warning sign, but you'd better act fast, because her good eye is a blazing red and she's rushing towards her spectator with that bloodblade at the ready.

The second time is much less interesting by comparison, but it's not doing her much good. Because the second time, she's just... a normal 29 year old. Both her eyes are fine, she's fully organic, and she doesn't know how to use a sword. In fact, she's taking her time and walking slowly through the streets of a town that she's starting to get to know better, wondering what her life even is anymore. Her Omni helps her keep connected with back home, sure, but nobody can get in touch with her no matter how hard she tries. And she woke up, for lack of a better word, with this katana that she's got on her back, and the first friendly-looking person she sees, she just asks outright, "Hey, uh. You have any idea why I would have a sword if I don't remember ever actually owning a sword?"

c. i am creation both haunted and holy [wildcard]

((got anything else you want to do? hit me up here or at

roseward!! also: source for the suit image and lyrics for the cover.))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Precisely! I'm glad we see eye to eye on this, Miss Anna. [ there's... a needle. why on earth does she have a needle? self-defense? looping- no, that's simply ridiculous. satoko continues talking even as she wonders. ] As for the tobacco, do whatever you wish. I've no need to...

[ the smokes come out. a jiggle of the pack is all that's necessary; just like that, satoko is staring down at the end of a cigarette. for a moment, she stares at, not really sure what to do. they're nasty things; they stain teeth and clothes and create waste everywhere. they make it hard to breathe, a sour, acrid smell that doesn't wash out easily.

but...

but there's some part of it that's nostalgic, as well. as awful as that scent was - as awful as those memories could be - that smell was from a time when satoshi was still near. and even though she's long since given up on his return, there's still some fondness that unwillingly burbles up from within her.

she reaches out without entirely thinking about it, squinting at the cigarette before tucking it between her lips. (the right way, of course. she's seen it enough times.) ]

Like this, yes?

Yeah, you got it.

[she puts her own cigarette between her lips, then pricks her ring finger with the needle. a couple drops of blood spill out, but that's all it takes for her to create a small flame and light her cig. and, because she's feeling relaxed, comfortable—because she's feeling open, she leans forward and touches the tip of her own cigarette to the end of satoko's.]

[it's something that samatoki always liked doing, she remembered him telling her once. it's something that she might keep doing. but either way she pulls back, takes a slow drag, and blows smoke away from the two of them, into the air.]

[ oh. oh.

teppei certainly never did that with any of his friends, did he?

for a moment, satoko just watches anna with wide eyes. it's a bit more personal than she's experienced in some time, especially coming from a relative stranger. but she can't say she dislikes it. far from it - after all, how long has it been since she was really and truly surprised? decades? centuries?

yes, she can say this much: this certainly isn't boring. ]

Thank you. [ that even tone in her voice falters, but only for a moment. she leans back, inhales deeply-

and promptly bends over into a coughing fit, only barely catching the cigarette in time to stop it from landing on the ground. ]

[and there's a slow smile that spreads on her face; she hears that little hitch in satoko's tone, and even with the focus on wanting kids to be kids, anna's still a little proud of herself for making that composure slip.]

[the pride disappears immediately once satoko starts coughing. she holds her cigarette in one hand and puts her other palm flat on her back.]

Hey. Shit, I should've realized. You okay? [her hand gently rubs back and forth for maybe a second or two before stopping, as anna realizes just how awkward it might otherwise be.] You smoked before?

[ satoko doesn't actually move to push anna away, as close as she is. not that she could if she really wanted to, with the way she's coughing. when she finally gets enough breath in her to speak, her first words are- ]

No, [ a bit of a wheeze as she draws in more breath, ] and I suspect I'll never try again. How can you- [ -cough- ] -stomach this? It tastes far worse than it smells!

[ see, now she actually sounds like a kid. a kid with a very specific way of speaking, but a kid nonetheless. ]

[anna reaches down to grab for the cigarette and take it away, just so satoko doesn't have to hold it.]

Don't know what to tell you. It's an addiction and it makes my brain calm down a little. [it reminds her of home, too. easier times.] Been long enough that I'm an expert at it. But it's terrible for you, so, like, it's good you're not getting into it.

Don't think I could stomach getting a kid like you addicted to cigs.

You're doing it again. [ this time, a faint bit of irritation does break through whatever haze has fallen over the two of them. she coughs a few more times, takes a few more breaths in and out, and grumbles- ] And you're sorely mistaken. If anything, you're the child, as far as I'm concerned.

[ it's barely had time to leave her mouth before it registers as off. her eyes go wide, for a moment; her brow furls. why did she say that? she's doing her best to live normally, as off as this place is. should she leave this fragment? should she-

another cough interrupts her train of thought, and she grits her teeth as she steadies her breathing. she can worry about that later. right now, she needs some water. she reaches forward, grabbing her own glass off the table and downing a few drinks of it before sputtering off into a tiny series of significantly wetter coughs. ]

[well, that's something. Anna looks at her with a lot of scrutiny coming through that only good eye of hers, and after a brief moment to put satoko's cigarette into the ashtray prematurely, she leans forward and fixes her with a more serious look.]

Yeah? How's that work? 'Cause you sure do look about half my age. Even if you don't talk like it.

[technically speaking, Anna does average out to like 5,015 years old if she just maths those souls of hers together, but she'd only ever say that as a joke. this seems like the farthest thing from it.]

Take your time. Don't choke or anything.

[ there's something in satoko's mind that tells her that it's okay, just let her know. she's safe. you're safe. and this time, with certainty, satoko knows one thing: that voice isn't hers. but it's not something she can resist for long, she doesn't think. so she grits her teeth, and thinks her options through, and finally speaks: ]

Promise you won't speak a word of this. [ it's not even a meaningful promise. she's known this woman for a day now. but... it's something. and if she feels compelled to speak truthfully, maybe she can gamble on anna feeling the same. ] Unless you'd rather not, of course. Then we'll just forget that little slip-up ever happened in the first place.

[ anna will forget, of course. not her. she doesn't forget things so easily. ]

[oh. this has gotten much more serious all of a sudden, hasn't it. like there's a chill in the air, the pressure of a storm system that could leave a city in ruins if it's not heeded well. or maybe that's just being dramatic. either way, anna first nods carefully, then makes her contract verbal.]

Any secret you want to tell me dies with me. That's a promise.

[ how many times, she nearly asks. but that's a pointless question - a joke for her and rika, and no one else. so she sighs, exhales the tension out from her body, and says: ]

Have you died before, Miss Anna?

[ there's a certain ease in her voice as she asks the question. it's not something that gives her pause - not something that hurts to think about. ]

[nor is it a question that takes anna by surprise. she's known of the possibility for years in a very literal way, so when she answers it's honest and almost easy.]

No. I know people who have, but not me. Not yet.

Fine. I'm sure that'll be enough for an explanation.

[ she reaches forward. her fingers drum on the table, for a moment. ]

To put it simply, death means very little to me. Hardly pleasant, of course, but more an inconvenience than anything to be afraid of. [ one fingernail taps, louder than the others. ] The first time I died... hmm, that's not quite right. The first time I looped, I would've been sixteen, so... Showa 63.

[ she remembers the place between worlds. the sea of fragments, staggering in its boundless infinitude. and though it helps her none to stay silent about it, she doesn't say a word. this is her own rebellion - an act of reassurance. of self-control. ]

And then, when I woke, I was eleven once again. [ she snaps. ] Six years, gone like that. The next time... Was it another six, or only five? It hardly matters. It all starts to blur together after so long. [ she snaps. and then she snaps again-
and again-
and again-
and again- ]

At this point, I haven't the foggiest idea how old I am. Centuries, at least. I never bothered to count, and I can't imagine I'd have stayed sane if I did.

[ there. her piece is said. she reaches forward, picking up the glass of water and taking another sip. ]

Well? Do you believe me now?

[there, in the magical nightclub run by a snake god that lowers inhibitions, anna is of two minds. it's hard to doubt satoko given all the leadup, how serious she's been this whole time. it would almost be insulting to imply otherwise, and it makes some major parts of their conversations make w lot more sense.]

[onnn the other hand, it does seem a little. much. she draws from the cigarette slowly and breathes smoke from her slightly open mouth while thinking it over, and what she says is. something.]

If all of that is true, then it sounds like something that would be really, really difficult to live with. Starting over again and again, stuck with the same timeline forever. But you have to understand. [she leans forward and puts her hands together between her legs.] Just how much this also sounds like chuunibyou shit.

[ difficult? she sounds like rika. sticking to those happy days is the easiest thing imaginable, after all. it's moving on that was hard. as for that little insult... maybe she would've been insulted, some time ago. but right now? it gets a giggle out of her - polite, performative, covering her mouth with one delicate hand. ]

It truly does, doesn't it? [ she doesn't mimic anna's pose. she reclines even more, if anything, uncrossing and recrossing her legs the other way around. ] Perhaps an example might help you understand.

[ tap. tap. tap. ]

Miss Anna, I've already given you a secret of my own. What about you? Do you have any secrets you hold dear?

["i've got plenty" is what she wants to say, and "what if i did" as well, but a moment's thought on the depth of this particular mine leaves her feeling shallow. everything she could keep dear to herself is just obvious to anyone who decides to look. she keeps her eye and the subtle curve of her lips steady.]

Everyone does, Satoko. Show me someone who has nothing to hide and I'll pluck the bones from their closets myself. Are you asking to hear one of mine?

It's only fair. Wouldn't you agree?

[ there's a sweetness to satoko's voice that doesn't seem quite right. like the sugar at the bottom of an ant trap; like the cheese baited to snap shut at a moment's notice. ]

The first boy you kissed. The way you lost your eye and arm. The name of a pet you loved. I think that's hardly too much to ask, don't you?

Ha. All right, that's what you call secret? [she leans closer to the table and ashes her cigarette, then leans backwards against the pillows. her eye closed, and though she doesn't have any new smoke in her lungs, she breathes out upward like she's pluming.]

My first kiss was ten years ago, with a girl who I won't ever see again no matter how late I stay awake at night wishing she were here in my bed. Her name was Rose Geteilt, and I'm still a little bit in love with her.

Another girl...?

[ of all things, that's what gives her pause. it's not a disgusted sort of quiet, though. far from it. it's just something she hasn't really given much thought to, truth be told. when would she have had time to kiss someone? to hold someone?

well, aside from rika, of course. and that's something she's not going to think about right now. ]

It'll do. [ a short exhalation, sharp and quick, through her nose. she raises her hand, placing middle finger and thumb together. ] You've been a great help, Miss Anna. I'll be leaving the two of you to talk, if you don't mind.

[ -and just like that, she snaps. ]

Why would I bother asking?

[ she doesn't bother with the niceties this time. the trap's been set and stepped in, after all. when she opens her eyes to this new world, this time around, she moves straight for the kill. ]

Tell me more about Rose. [ tap. tap. tap. ] "Geteilt." It's not a name I recognize. Did you meet her here? Or was she a part of your dream, too?

[ quick. cold. to the point. she barely gives anna time to register what she's saying. sorry, anna. but you came unprepared to this little game, and satoko hojo isn't one to go easy on a newcomer. ]

[the ash at the end of her cigarette is growing long, but she's so stunned by the seemingly complete personality shift that she can't even move to the tray. her back straightens and her tone lowers, and even in the presence of gods, she feels something menacing.]

Who told you that name?

Come now, Miss Anna. Surely you can hazard a guess, can't you?

[ tap. tap. tap. ]

Think, now. Just who have you told?

No one here.

[the ash falls to the ground instead.]

Not yet.

[ the coldness in that gaze finally breaks - replaced with a smirk. it almost feels worse than the emptiness.

almost. ]

See? Once you've put two and two together, it's really quite simple. [ it's her turn to reach into her own pocket, pulling out... a worn deck of cards. she empties it out, shuffling it with a practiced touch. ] Ten years ago... You can't have looked much older than me, then.

[ she neatens out the deck. she picks it up in one hand, face-down. and then, with the rapidity that only comes with practice, she uses a single hand to cycle through the cards of the deck. seven cards in, she flips it forward and onto the table.

spades. ace. ]

Practically an infant, if we use your standards.

[ flip. clubs. ace. ]

Were you both students? Classmates, perhaps? No, that's far too simple. [ another flip - the ace of diamonds, this time. ] There's no need to speak on the topic if you'd rather not, by the way. Consider it a curiosity, nothing more.

[ she pauses, dealing one more card face-down and pushing it forward with a finger. ]

It's simply been a while since I've seen something as sweet, [ she chuckles, ] as young love.

[anna glares a single dagger at her. it doesn't feel fantastic, being read so easily by someone who is clearly far older than she looks. it doesn't feel great getting proof that satoko has been telling the truth this whole time, either. but anna can't bring herself to get angry about it—it's not in her nature to push back that hard when confronted with facts, really, and the air of this place is making it harder for her to summon that energy anyway.]

[so instead, she leans forward and pulls the missing ace towards her. her cigarette still burns idly, the trail of smoke winding into the air like a serpent. few things remain constant about anna amarande, but she will always, always share the story of her truest love.]

I met her at a bar that neither of us was old enough to be in. She was my first friend in a city I didn't know anything about. She was the ship I boarded to make it safely through an unknown sea. And once I realized I was in love with her... [anna flips the ace. she can be dramatic, too.] She spun the wheel and changed the course of my life forever.

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