deercountry | the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Entry tags:

the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: January event catchall
When: January
Where: The Snake Den and around Trench

Content Warnings: Eye trauma, blood, swearing, artful robot nudity, will add as they come in

a. i will trust the artist molding me [the snake den]

Anna doesn't really need much help right now cutting loose at the Snake Den. Madam G has been on her list of Pthumerians to check out for a while, and even if there had been some kind of reluctance to begin with, now that she's here mingling in a borrowed suit she feels downright comfortable. It's like she's ten years younger, and though her voice is still smoky and she's still missing an eye as far as physical age goes, socially she's just. Free, right now. It's nice.

It's nice enough that, when she's not striking up conversation with other people, she decides to indulge herself in the open mic. Borrowing an electric bass from backstage, she walks up, sits down, plugs in, and grabs the mic. "This is one from back home," she says, "By a band called Silversun Pickups. It's about finding freedom and acceptance and love in the places and with the people that everyone else tells you to stay away from. They'll say that the only way to be who you are is to file yourself off. That you need to hold yourself back to make other people comfortable without ever worrying if you're comfortable." She's talking very passionately for someone who doesn't think of herself as a motivational speaker. With a confident look, she finally leads into the song. "Let's bury that lie, Trench. This is called 'The Pit'."

And she starts playing, and she starts singing. And when she doesn't need to be playing and her hands are free, even she's not really sure how she does it, but she finds a way to channel her androidinous self to modify her own voice—just for a little bit, just to test it out. Just to see what happens, before she snaps back into the final lines of the song. And regardless of how it's received, once she's done, she puts the bass down and gently thanks the crowd. Her heart-simulacrum is pulsing faster than it should be as she gets off the stage, and she waits there in the wings in case she happened to inspire anyone with that performance.

b. the echo of what is and what will be [the shedding ceremony]

This is... not a good month for Anna outside of that, so far. For her time at the Snake Den, yes, she's still resonating with A2, and she's still who she thinks she is. But it never really takes long for her to start shedding her own skin again, and damn her brain but she can't stop fucking picking at it long enough to avoid the transformation.

The first time it happens, Anna emerges in a pure white dress that she's wasting no time in staining red. Her hair is longer, cleaner, and in lieu of a katana she's brandishing a blood-red shortsword in her battles with these beasts at the edge of the city. Taking zero precautions against pollution or corruption, she swings her blade right at the neck and lets the blood spray wash over her. When it stops, she hunches forward and shrieks out a strangely melodic note while the beast falls over dead. Her back straightens, and it's clear even from whatever distance anyone may be watching at that she's no longer entirely who people might know. The flower blossoming from her right eye is a good early warning sign, but you'd better act fast, because her good eye is a blazing red and she's rushing towards her spectator with that bloodblade at the ready.

The second time is much less interesting by comparison, but it's not doing her much good. Because the second time, she's just... a normal 29 year old. Both her eyes are fine, she's fully organic, and she doesn't know how to use a sword. In fact, she's taking her time and walking slowly through the streets of a town that she's starting to get to know better, wondering what her life even is anymore. Her Omni helps her keep connected with back home, sure, but nobody can get in touch with her no matter how hard she tries. And she woke up, for lack of a better word, with this katana that she's got on her back, and the first friendly-looking person she sees, she just asks outright, "Hey, uh. You have any idea why I would have a sword if I don't remember ever actually owning a sword?"

c. i am creation both haunted and holy [wildcard]

((got anything else you want to do? hit me up here or at

roseward!! also: source for the suit image and lyrics for the cover.))

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"Uh, yeah? Madam G, Madam Gen, MG," she starts, counting off her nicknames on her fingers. "Everyone's got one. Baus, MK, NM, Thea." Anna sure sounds casual enough about it, except when she thinks on one in particular and a heaviness creeps in. "Everyone but Her." No need to dwell on it too much, though—this is a party, and she doesn't think Madam G would appreciate other Pthumerians taking center stage in anyone's conversations.

"Anyway, you're definitely coming out of your shell a lot more. Just the whole vibe of the place, or do you have, like, good news about Rubes, or what?" The extroversion, though, it's almost intoxicating in its own right. It's a good look on Ange, and Anna's pretty happy with it herself. "If you have good news about your relationship, legally you have to tell me. As whatever the fuck Oscar made me to you guys when he started talking about adoption papers."

Talk about that mysterious 'Her' mention. Ange would make a comment about how this is like Anna acting out a horror movie trope, but the other is already moving along. And Ange, in her current happy and sociable mood, will apparently gladly move right along as well, without protest.

Though it does seem like the change in subject just makes Ange laugh. Not in a bad way! Just.. she's kind of surprised that Anna would bring that up, yet amused about it as well.

"Good news? I'm not sure what kind of good news I'm supposed to have." It's a genuine statement, rather than something playful. Ange isn't sure what kind of good news to imagine about their relationship, other than the fact that it's still going on, and that it's as amazing as it has always been.

After a pause she adds more, though this time it is more playful. "Unless you know something that I don't."

"Maybe," she says mysteriously, a little smile gracing her face. She tilts her head and does her absolute best to look coy, even if she really doesn't have anything major to deliver. But still, she's feeling a little more free than usual, and she's having fun with things. It feels nice, being like this.

"I did tell her that she's gotta quit being married to her job and just get married to you." There's the confession, and this is where she'd wink if it weren't indistinguishable from a blink. "So if she pops that question anytime soon, I guess you're welcome."

"You told her what?"

There is, at least, definite genuine surprise in her reaction. But it's not quite as flustered and tsun as it usually would have been - instead the surprise stays at just a surprise level, at the level where her eyes momentarily grow wider and her cheeks get a bit closer to the colour of her hair.

She seems to take it well, otherwise. Ange actually even smiles, though there's something flustered around the edges of that smile as well.

"You shouldn't joke around with Ruby like that. You know she takes things way too seriously."

"Sorry," she starts with that smirk still on her face. She's not done messing with Ange yet, and certainly not after that reaction. It's fun seeing her relaxed like this. It's a good look on her face, and it's something that Anna's gonna try coaxing out as much as possible.

"I don't know where you got the idea I was joking. You two are cute together. Why not get hitched?" She shrugs noncommittally, mostly because she wouldn't be the one committing. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Well.." That genuinely seems to make Ange speechless for a moment. She tucks some hair behind her ear, mostly to give her hands something to idly do while she's thinking. It's not that Anna is wrong, necessarily, it's just that this topic is a lot for Ange's heart no matter the current monthly influence this world has on her blood.

"It's not.. like it would change much. We already promised to stay together, no matter what."

It's the kind of horribly cheesy thing that she could only say so - relatively - easily this month in front of someone else.

"Besides, I don't want to be pushy."

She smiles gently, like now she's finally willing to let up on the teasing once she's heard what she wanted to hear.

"Then let her make the first move, like, whenever that happens. I just think that you two should be happy, you know?" And now she's unequivocally sincere, and she reaches out to touch Ange's shoulder. "I hate seeing people with their whole lives ahead of them get bogged down in too much extra shit. If you have her, then you should get to enjoy your time with her."

.. it's weirdly kind, everything Anna is saying here. But moreover, it's weirdly selflessly kind. It's not like Ange and Ruby being happy in their relationship would really do anything for Anna herself, after all. And it's not even really like Ange can reply by saying she hopes Anna finds someone to be happy with as well, since that might accidentally provoke some bad past memories for other, given everything she was talking about back when she was feeling down.

Ange is too tactful to touch any subject that gets too close to that once more.

Which means the best thing she can do here is probably just reassure the other about this much. And, like usually when she speaks about Ruby, it makes her smile..

.. just with some embarrassed blush on her cheeks as well.

"Don't worry. We are happy." That much is just an objective truth in Ange's eyes. "I.. don't think I've ever been as happy before meeting Ruby as I have been since then. We're just happy to spend time with each other whenever."

Doing stupid shit, most of the time.

"And.. you know, cuddling.. every night.." This is an Extra Bonus Fact that Anna is only getting because it's social energy January for Ange, okay.

Who can say what's really brought about all this sincerity? Maybe it's the way Anna normally feels about this kind of thing. Maybe she learned long ago that she can be bitter about a lot of things, but being bitter about other people finding love is something that she can never reconcile for herself. Maybe it makes her feel like a disgusting person to go around resenting others' relationships whether she has one of her own or not.

Maybe none of that matters right now. She takes her hand back slowly and feels her heart-box thrum.

"I'm glad. I really am." There's so much appreciation in her eye. "That sounds pretty gay, and you know I mean that as a compliment. You know, if you want," and the sincerity continues, "I could teach you a song or two from back home. Stuff that she might like to hear."

".. a song?"

Despite Ange's relatively more carefree attitude at the moment, it seems like that statement still manages to surprise her. At first her eyes grow wider as she stares at the other, but then a hint of definite embarrassment appears on her face.

"Ah.. no way, I'm no good with music at all." She shakes her head. "I could never do something like you just did on top of the stage."

Especially since Anna had actually sounded good. No, more than just plain good.

That protest makes Anna look at Ange like she's grown another head. The question she replies with is just so honest, and so is everything that follows it.

"So? You don't have to be good at it. I didn't start off great, but I learned how 'cause I wanted to do cool stuff with my friends. If you wanna learn how to play or sing something romantic for Rubes, then, like, everyone starts off somewhere."

She doesn't really know how to say it without coming off like she's downplaying her own performance, but it doesn't matter. "Do it for the love of doing it, do it for yourself, do it for whatever. You don't have to be a pro to try something new."

Ange looks absolutely speechless at those words. It's so much harder because she knows Anna means it - and especially because Anna's personality isn't too far off from Ange's own. It means that she's way less likely to throw her advice aside, like she might have done to someone more naturally cheery and happy-go-lucky, assuming that they just don't understand her.

It means she lingers like that for a moment, just looking surprised, before she starts looking more vaguely embarrassed instead. Even with the extroversion she's got to deal with this month, this is still.. a lot to process.

"I.. I don't know." It's the honest truth, at least. If she were her regular self, she definitely would have covered it up, downplayed it, rather than being honest with Anna right here and now. "It doesn't feel like it suits me. If I do something special for her, I really want it to be something that's mine, you know? Not me pretending to be something I'm not for her sake."

"Then that's okay, too."

It's really that simple, and Anna backs away from the idea. She doesn't even look embarrassed by it. "Music is the kind of thing that I really, really relate to, but it's not for everyone. For me, it's just... been there when nothing else was, you know?" She won't get into it. She's trying very, very hard not to turn this around. They're having a good conversation.

"But if it's not yours, then that's okay. As long as you answer me something first, Ange." Oh, the coming question should be the most obvious thing in the world. "What is yours?"

She does see that question coming before it lands.

And when it does? Honestly, she'd rather be talking about how important music is to Anna, since it actually does seem to be a positive thing within the shitshow that seems to have been part of the other's life. But Ange knows that it's way too late to turn this car around when she's already hearing the question, and she winces just a tad.

"Well, I.. don't really know that either," she honestly admits.

What other choice is there to be honest in this place, even when the reality of said honesty is kind of embarrassing?

"I'm still kind of figuring out who I am." She pauses, something awkward in her expression. ".. If that makes sense?"

Look, she knows that sounds like a really lame thing to say when you're 20. (Especially when twenty year olds love thinking that they already got to have the entire world figured out somehow.)

"Oh, it definitely makes sense," she agrees easily. "You got time. It took me what felt like forever to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and honestly? Took an act of some kind of god to put me on the right path in the first place."

For as dour as she can be, as much as she can get within her own head, right now she's feeling open and honest and comfortable within her element, so she can actually say what's on her mind and in her heart. And it turns out that despite everything else, there's some pretty good stuff in there.

"Take life at your own pace, Ange. I know I've been joking about getting married and stuff, but if you're not ready for it, you're not ready. Don't force stuff. You have time." An earnest smile. "I promise. I still don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but I'm having a good time while I'm here. I'll figure it out, and so will you."

".. we have time," she slowly repeats.

It's still such an odd concept to Ange. They have time. They have an entire life ahead of them they can still plan out, or just see what happens along the way. When it was only a year or two ago that Ange just wanted that life to end right away, it feels both intimidating and like a marvel that there is now an entire life still ahead of her, hers to fill up.

"Don't worry. Me and Ruby.. We'll end up like that someday." She sounds so sure of it too. After all, she can't even imagine her and Ruby separating. Not voluntarily, nor because of this place somehow doing it for them. Their promise feels too strong to be broken by something like that.

It's a definite piece of her future - it's just that it still has to fully find its place in it.

"As for you and me figuring out what we're going to do with our lives.. maybe we should get at least a little bit of inspiration, before we end up being awkward losers for the rest of our lives."

At least she does mean that as a joke, judging by her tone, and the faint smile playing around her lips.

And it registers as one, and Anna laughs with her whole chest at it. "Please. Nothing wrong with being an awkward loser. Some of my best friends are awkward losers," she says, and she holds back from adding that Ange is definitely dating one, but even if she did it would probably be clear that it's supposed to be extremely affectionate.

"Inspiration usually hits when we're not looking for it. In the meantime, I'm gonna be hanging out around here, learning more songs, doing more open mics. You know, when I'm not trying to keep the town and the people I care about safe."

It's not a bad balance she's trying to strike. It's a purpose all her own, and one that she thinks A2 can be happy with, too. It seems like she's finally starting to swing back into the idea of telling destiny to eat shit and fall off its metaphorical horse.

"You know how it is. Work hard, play hard, and make sure as many other people get the chance to do that, too."

It's a sentiment Ange can very well understand - though she knows that she's tending to lean a little more on the helping people and keeping the place safe side right now. Though it's not necessarily due to denying herself pleasure as much as it is that she doesn't really.. know.. what her own way of having fun is like..

(Other than watching dumb action movies with her girlfriend, anyway.)

"Well, if you ever perform again, you should make sure to invite me." It's not like Ange usually hangs around spots where people perform music, after all, so she wouldn't easily catch it by coincidence.

And-- "I wouldn't want to miss it."

Well, that's. Damn near heartwarming, is what it is. Being told that her hobby is something that people actually enjoy seeing and want to be invited to. Give her a second while she pretends it's not a huge deal. (It is a huge deal.) She brushes her hair out of her eye and looks out at the crowd of people who aren't the two of them, and briefly wonders what it'd be like to see this kind of turnout with more familiar faces in the crowd, and that as it turns out is also very heartwarming. So she decides.

"You got it. Next time I come up for one of these, you're invited. Especially if I'm showing off something new." God. This is such a normal thing, really, but it's been so long that it feels bizarre. "That's a promise."

"Sounds good to me. Don't forget me when you're famous."

Obviously the last part is a joke, said playfully, but on the other hand.. would it so strange for Anna to become relatively well known? It's not like they've got that many people who can put on a decent musical number here, right? And Ange certainly doesn't think Anna's performance was bad in the slightest today.

If anything, she's really got a unique spirit to it. One that really works in her favour, as far as Ange is concerned.

"I want to be mentioned in the inevitable award speech." Okay, maybe she's pushing it a little now. But if Ange is reading Anna right - or rather, if she's reading Anna's reaction right as the one Ange would give to cover up flattered embarrassment - then she doesn't think it hurts for the other to get her self-confidence boosted a little when it comes to this. If not just her enjoyment of making music for people she knows.

"Oh, come on," she jokes, except she's being a little more serious than that when she continues. "I could never forget you, Ange."

She means it. And this is coming from a girl for whom memory is... kind of integral to everything and everyone she is now. If she says she's not gonna forget someone, she tries her damnedest to mean it.

"If they ever do any award shows up here that I happen to win, you're gonna be one of the first people I thank. That's a promise." It's a stark difference and even she recognizes it, but if she can talk about this enough then she's going to be able to avoid that embarrassment even better. See, win-win. "Or hell, maybe I'll find a way to record a solo album and throw you in the liner notes. Or get you to read a spoken word passage over my music or something. People love that stuff."

It is easy to tell that Anna is being so sincere about this. It's that edge to her tone that betrays as much.

Though perhaps it's not that surprising. After all, Ange has already known that Anna is surprisingly kind. It's definitely not something Ange is taking for granted though, considering how crappy people often were to her back home. It makes someone like Anna so refreshing, especially since she's kind without also being a social extrovert menace to Ange.

"Thanks."

It's a surprisingly sincere answer to Anna's own sincerity, and Ange smiles.

A moment later she moves in to hug the other. It's very, very brief, even though the hug happening in the first place is very much powered by the fact that Ange does have some more social energy to spend this month than she usually does.. but even that isn't enough energy to make it a long lasting hug, apparently.

"Not just for this, I mean. For everything. I'm glad I got to meet you." Especially with the way Anna instinctively seems to understand Ange in some ways. Perhaps it's just because parts of their personality are so similar, but..

It's still nice.

Oh.

Well, that's. Not bad.

While she has the chance, Anna hugs Ange back. It might not last long, but that it's lasting at all is an enormous deal in the first place. (Plus, it feels really nice, right now. Not desperately so, but it's always its own form of validation when this kind of thing happens.)

"I'm glad, too," she agrees, keeping her voice at a little more of a personal level between them. She might be a little more extroverted and happy right now, but she's still not gonna broadcast these things to just everyone. "Don't know if I'd be up here without you. Thanks for getting me to stop holing up inside myself."

Her hand stays on Ange's shoulder, and she gives it a grateful squeeze. "I owe you. I mean it."

It's be easy to turn that down. To say Anna doesn't owe her anything - because Ange sure doesn't feel like it. Why should the other owe her? Because Ange was nice to her, and listened to her problems?

It's something that every decent human being - in Ange's eyes - ought to do. So it doesn't count.

But what is very clear to Ange is the fact that this is important to Anna. So she won't deny it. Instead she just smiles a little at the other.

"How about you make sure to stick around for long enough here to play at my and Ruby's wedding?" Not that it.. will happen anytime soon, Ange thinks. (Though she's pretty sure it'll happen at some point.) But if Anna is throwing around the idea into Ruby's mind, then who knows. "That'd be enough of a repayment for me."

Anna takes promises as seriously as she can, but most of the time they're about fighting enemies and protecting people. This is a promise about still being there for two people who are so much in love to help celebrate their wedding day together. And it's only because it's new to her that she doesn't immediately answer; she needs to process the weight of it.

But nor does she leave Ange waiting for long. She smiles, nods her head. "I can keep that promise," she says with complete sincerity. "And I can't wait to be there to see it all happen. Nobody's, um." Sigh. "I've never been invited to a wedding before. So when it happens, I'm gonna do my best to make it the best night of your life."

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the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

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cw: reference to past suicidal ideation

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