deercountry | You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Entry tags:

You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Who: Dirk Striders + Others (closed to threads that had prior discussion. If you are interested in jumping on the bandwagon, please shoot me a PM or message me on Plurk/Discord!)
What: The Snake Den prompt, Shedding prompt + splinters of Dirk
When: Throughout January - Feb
Where: The Red & Other

Content Warnings: Explicit sexual content/jokes/phrases, references to suicide/decapitation, self-worth/depression, themes of identity/dissociation etc.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

(Dirk did not get nervous. He didn't do nerves. Nerves were the useless cousins to adrenaline. He was standing by the lamp near the Canals, waiting for K. He was standing in his unique outfit that he was wearing for the evening. But that wasn't where his nerves were. He didn't get uncomfortable about his looks or his clothes. He liked what he was wearing, liked his plan for the evening. What he didn't like was how out of his depth he felt. It was easy to have friends he flirted with. He knew the rules, the game plan, and what he was supposed to do. He knew what was expected of him.

He knew how to be someone's friend. He didn't know what to do here. He knew he was reading into it by a landslide and he didn't want to be a complete idiot. He had to be smart about this. He had to make the right choices. He was talking to Anti-Dirk behind his lenses, focused so thoroughly on the conversation that he wasn't entirely engaged with what was going around him in real life. He had told K that he would know him when he saw him.

He barely knew the guy. He was just fixating. He was still too new to being part of society to know any better. It was fine. He just had to wall off everything and be cool. Just be cool.

Tragically, when K arrives, Dirk feels like he already knows it's him because his luck would mean it's that super hot dude and not the generic bozo walking just a few steps behind him. Maybe he would be wrong though. He tips his head inquisitively.)

K?

[ It turns out having a day in which to prepare himself for the party is needed for more than just tempering his nerves. When K examines himself in the mirror with a critical eye, it dawns on him that his customary scruff is close to achieving full on grief beard status. And not a well-groomed one, either. Following a lackluster attempt at taming it, he decides the whole thing should go and carefully shaves his face, afterward spending a few minutes just feeling his clean shaven skin. It won't last, but it's — nice, he thinks, for a change. And not for the first time he wonders what Dirk will make of him. He's a pretty far cry from the metallic-looking robots Dirk was raised by...

As he's dressing in the extravagant suit from Madam Generosity, he's surprised by the perfect fit. Had it been specifically tailored for him? She must have really gone above and beyond with the gift; he's genuinely touched by it. With time to spare before he needs to leave, he finds himself considering the matter of cologne. Would it be weird? Too much? He's unsure of what the protocol is for such a party, not to mention the ambiguous nature of Dirk's invitation, but eventually he opts for the faintest hint of cologne. And then he's off.

He does, indeed, know Dirk when he sees him. It'd be impossible not to in that outfit. So he's clearly not the only one who received something bespoke, because damn if that magical girl uniform doesn't perfectly fit Dirk in every way. Which is a totally normal thing to notice in this situation, okay. He's mindful to keep his admiring looks within the realm of gentlemanly as he approaches. ]

Dirk. You weren't kidding. [ A shy smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. ] It suits you. Are you ready to go?

(Yup. It's the super-hot dude. He can feel himself crumbling internally into a void of scream-swooning in a matter of seconds. Dirk has had intricate fantasies about cool, smooth-talking, handsome androids just like this coming to save him from his pathetic life. He had written self-insert fanfictions about this exact situation dozens of times. This was a horrible idea. He should have shown this dude mercy and just stuck to online chatting and vague cyberstalking like a normal person. Action meet consequence.)

Hi. (Fuuuuuuuck. K even smelled good. Dirk smelled a bit like citrus himself between the product he used in his hair and his own cologne.

Okay, he can do this. He's spent years perfecting his poker face, and to his credit, his expression hasn't changed once, glasses safely concealing the absolute panic in his eyes. There's also the problem of wanting to explore K's entire body on a scientific level too. He looked so...perfect. Human. He knew that the scientific possibility of this kind of technology had always existed, but it's gut-wrenching to see it in the flesh. God. Even if he wasn't an android, seeing an android look like this made him feel so much less foolish for thinking he was one when he was younger.

He realizes he had completely zoned out while K commented on his outfit and asked a question. Dirk has to mentally back up a few paces.)

Sorry. (After an awkward silence. He reaches a hand out to touch, but stops himself halfway and lowers his hand back down.) Sorry, I'm good.

(Dirk. Be normal.)

Yours suits you as well. You look nice. (Right. Yeah. Okay. He can do this. Seriously, he can do this.) Yeah. We can head out. I figured we could walk unless you wanted to take the lamp?

(Dirk felt good tonight. He looked good too. He had one hell of an adrenaline rush pumping through him that made him feel like he was on the edge of a serious manic episode. Not the worst thing. In reality, it was his powers starting to tear through him, creating an alternate Dirk. He doesn't realize it, won't realize it until later. For now, he just takes the energy in stride. So, understandably, when he gets to Savage's place, he's a bit hyped up.

He's bouncing from foot to foot, looking like a boxer gearing up for practice. There was something undoubtedly powerful in the air around him, crackling and almost overwhelming. An ordinary person would likely feel physically uncomfortable standing so near that raw soul energy, but Savage would be just fine. Maybe a bit vulnerable at most, but hey, Dirk was a paleblood. His blood was making most people feel vulnerable and honest this month in general.

When he sees Savage, he stops moving, smiling up at him.)

Hey, bay-bee. (Drawling that petname.) You ready for a good time? I am. Fuck, dude, I feel good tonight. How are you doing?

(Thing was he was genuinely happy to see Savage. He liked Savage. Savage was cool and understood him. The sex was good. The vibe was good. His heart is slamming against his chest and he half wants to just scream and fight Savage, but deep down, he knew he couldn't just unleash on Savage like that. It would kill him. Savage was a good fighter, but Dirk was a ticking time bomb that existed to rip people's souls apart. He had to have some control and right now, he felt like he would split Savage from his body without even trying.

He couldn't do that to him. He puts his hands on his hips.)

Rules for the night. Normally, I like the idea of us fighting. You know I do. But we can't tonight. Safety words won't help and I don't trust the vibe I've got going. That cool with you?

[ K follows the trajectory of Dirk's hand before looking back up to his face, expression questioning, not understanding what was meant by the gesture. Did Dirk... maybe want to shake hands? It would make sense; they were meeting in person for the first time. That's what people do. They shake hands, it's polite. Why hadn't he thought of it first? By the time he works this out it's entirely too late to take Dirk's already withdrawn hand without it being hideously awkward.

Off to a great start. He inwardly sighs.

At least he isn't the only one who seems to be having trouble navigating these things, judging by that prolonged silence. Plus, Dirk had previously mentioned having to learn social gestures on the fly. They can just be awkward. Together. But he certainly won't blame Dirk if he ends up ditching him at the party... ]

Thank you. So do you. [ The compliment makes him duck his head slightly, his smile returning as his expression softens. His presence carries a subtle warmth, a soothing impression of comfort that will grow in strength the longer Dirk is near him. K remains unaware of the effect — he simply hasn't been around people enough lately to notice. But what he can sense is the return of that compulsion toward honesty that he'd first experienced over the network. Because he tends to be more talkative through text than in person, maybe he won't completely embarrass himself tonight.

He can hope, anyway.

He nods ahead of them. ] Let's walk.

[ Since it's nice out (or he thinks it is; the cold weather doesn't bother him) and walking will give them a chance to get a little better acquainted before the party, where the level of noise might not be conducive to conversation. He'll fall into step with Dirk and walk beside him, easily matching whatever pace he prefers. ]

Though it isn't too late to change your mind about this. I won't be offended. [ He's thinking about that prolonged silence, about how distracted Dirk had seemed. He's hard to read. Especially with the glasses. Maybe he isn't what Dirk expected, and maybe that's disappointing. Maybe Dirk just isn't ready for the party after all. There could be any number of reasons... ] How are you feeling about your performance? Are you excited to have an audience? Potentially a pretty big one.

Thank you.

(Dirk smiles mostly because K smiles. He isn't so sure if he has made someone smile like that before. The longer Dirk is standing there, the less he begins to worry about fucking up around this guy. He slides his hands into his pockets and follows K closely. When K suggests changing his mind, politely, Dirk tips his head in surprise and looks over at him.)

No, I haven't changed my mind. (Dirk preferred to be hard to read. It left things in his control, and he felt in control again. There had been a stumble, but he was gliding now. He hoped he was anyway. There were few people he wanted to impress as badly as he seemed to want to impress K.) Growing up, I always imagined I was someone like you. You're the first I have met. I suppose it made me feel validated over an old identity. I don't know if that makes any sense. I was surprised by the feeling.

(He should feel awkward for admitting as much, but instead, it felt right to admit it to K. Like if anyone could ever understand this situation, it might just be K. His mouth flicks up at the corner and because he's Dirk through and through...)

Also, you're handsome as hell. Can't blame a guy for swooning a bit. (His smile fades away soon enough and he's back to that guarded expression.)

Good. Yeah, I think I am. It sounds egocentric but I like the idea of having that many eyes focused on me. It gives me some serious adrenaline. Are you going to perform anything?

[ He wasn't prepared for going from feeling like they're having a genuine moment of connection to being caught off-guard by the compliment, and the emotional whiplash makes him mentally stumble now. He's flustered, looking down to watch his feet for several moments.

He could point out how most of his features were likely chosen by his owner because humans prefer attractive slaves, and he has before in response to compliments, but... he kind of wants to accept this one for what it is, without deflection. Even if it might just be a line, based on what he saw during his own vague cyberstalking of Dirk's public network posts. (What sort of AI would he be if he didn't lurk on the network?) There's also the matter of the boyfriend Dirk may have acquired. K's never witnessed Sleepers become so aggressive about setting two people up to date before. ]

...Well, I'm glad to be able to provide retroactive validation. You thought you were an android? [ It would make perfect sense with everything he knows about Dirk's origin and upbringing. And he would not wish that kind of identity crisis on anyone. ] I've been mistaken for human before. [ A beat. ] And find it wildly offensive.

[ It's the truth, but there's also a fair hint of amusement in his tone as though he's trying to tease a little. Being told before that he could "pass" for one of the beings who have enslaved and abused him just isn't quite the compliment that some think it is, as though humans are the pinnacle of existence that all synthetic beings should want to be like. But he does understand such comparisons are rarely made with malicious intent, at least here. ]

Just sounds like you're a natural performer and you're going to enjoy yourself tonight. I'd say that's a good thing. You might not even need the moral support. [ K's rather less keen on having an audience himself, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he's sat behind a piano and doesn't have to look at them. He gives a thoughtful hum. ] I didn't prepare a performance, but maybe I could play something. [ He'll have to give it more thought. The general atmosphere of the party will also have to be taken into account. ]

(It would make sense to Dirk why K would be designed to be beautiful. Humans were like that. They were aesthetically driven creatures and preferred symmetry in all they created. Dirk sometimes wondered if he was a product of that exact ideology, but he doubted that John had that much control over how he turned out in the long run.

If Dirk knew anyone thought he had a boyfriend, he would bust a gut. For now, he just nods at the question.)

It made more sense to me than anything else. I have no genetic parents. I seem to feel emotions differently than other humans. Even now I don't think I classify as a traditional human being. (Granted, he didn't actually know that. He still had limited experience in that department, but he felt he had done enough research on the subject to have a reasonable opinion on the matter.

He smirks at the notion of K getting offended.)

Can't say I blame you. Humans have a bad track record. I've already met so many just here who have been fucked raw by their own society. (He shakes his head in mild disappointment. People were given the ability to think and so much of that was just wasted on ignorance. The colder part of Dirk felt that it was a waste of intelligence. He certainly wasn't one of those people who believed humanity was the ultimate goal.

After all, he had chosen to ascend. He abandoned his humanity a long time ago.)

Might not need it, but I'd still like to know that you're in the audience. (He glances at K.) Then I can have someone in mind while I'm performing.

(There's something quietly provocative about that phrasing, but Dirk lets it breathe. He really is a flirt.)

Won't make you do anything, but if you feel like it, I'd be thrilled to listen.

[As always, Savage was calm and stoic. The effect of his blood was minimal on his disposition, and he seemed to associate more and more with those with a manic sort of energy and brilliance of body and mind. He felt Dirk coming long before he saw the human, and the energy of the Force radiated higher and higher the shorter the distance was between them. If anything, it set the glow of his eyes higher when he found himself staring at the fascinating outfit Dirk decided to show up in.

For the first time in a very long time, he had set aside his armour for a public appearance. He still wore his combat trousers and boots as well as the sleeveless undershirt that was probably the only shirt he actually owned. He topped off the choice with a massive gothic trenchcoat.

His nostrils flared a little as he drank in the familiar scent of the blond, and he experienced the press of Dirk's power on him. Thankfully, much of his ability to defend himself was unseen, an armour of the Force that he used to deflect much of the energy that Dirk naturally and at an increased rate gave off.]

You can't stand still. Are you about to do a hostile take over of the talent or fashion show?

[Dirk was that kind of personality, and he had no issue standing in the shadow of the human either. It was never his role or priority to take over a scene. Often his physical imposition would do more talking than he had to. He had learned early that Dirk could kill him, that he might be a physical match for their sexual play time, but that was because Dirk allowed it to be so. Oh he could surprise the human, but he knew in no uncertain terms that he was outmatched. It didn't bruise his ego one bit.

Instead, he stepped into Dirk's direct radius, calm but oddly welcoming. He reached out with his hands to tug lightly at the bow as if setting it.]

You're giving off a significant amount of energy that is easy to feel. It seems like its on the verge of being overwhelming if you aren't careful. [He tugged Dirk in closer to him then made good on touching that blond hair. It always fascinated him.] No fighting, fine. Even if you clear a room with this energy, I'll still be there.

[Because that's what Savage did. With Maul. With Dirk. He was the physical entity that very much knew how to root himself.]

Do you need anything before we go?

[ While listening to Dirk describing his past beliefs, K absently runs his fingers along the delicate embroidery of his shirt cuffs, looking thoughtful. Some of that hits close to home for reasons he actively resists the compulsion to share. It isn't really the time or place for his deep existential quandaries. ]

For what it's worth, I think who you are is more important than what you are. And you get to define your identity. [ As for the track record of humans... ] How humanity has produced so much good poetry and music despite being what it is, I'll never understand.

[ The banter is nice. The teasing and vague hints of something more. And maybe he should leave it at that, but... He returns the glance, eyebrows raised. ]

And there goes my plan to escape out the back when you're not looking. I wouldn't want to compromise your performance.

...You're like this with everyone, aren't you? [ Even as he says it he's trying to suppress a smile. He knows he's being a bit gullible (okay, maybe more than a bit) and probably shouldn't take any of this too seriously. The attention, the flattery... It's been a while since anyone really made time for him and sought his company for purely social reasons, and that's likely contributing to how off-balance he feels around Dirk, he figures. Technical Boy had always made time for him. Martin and Arid, too. They'll all gone now. He's out of practise with this stuff and Dirk is still learning, himself. That's probably all the flirtation is, he thinks. Learning how to relate to people. ]

I think so too. (For that, he gives K something resembling a genuine smile. It's fleeting and gone in a blink.) Identities tend to be unnecessary social expectations. Male, female, gay, straight...(He shakes his head. He just wanted to be him. Labels, identities...There was no perfect word for Dirk Strider. There never would be.)

It's probably because of all that turmoil. Turmoil tends to create a survival instinct, and for some, that instinct translates into the arts. (Not everyone ran from a fight. Some made poetry about it.

The joke gets a snort out of Dirk, close to a laugh, but not quite. The follow-up sentence makes his expression fall flat again and he takes a moment to respond. He's flirty because it was easy to flirt, fun to flirt. People liked to be flirted with even without the potential of a follow-through. He had a naturally provocative personality. He wasn't about to deny any of that.

But part of him didn't want K to think that K's role right now could be interchangeable with anyone else with a nice face. Yet he didn't want to expose too much of himself either. He didn't want to explain that K was the only person in a long time who managed to make him feel a bit squirmy on the inside.

Was it right to expose K to all of that? K was someone who had been subjected to controlling humans before. Dirk's silence becomes a somber one. Jake had been one thing. A bad enough thing. Could he really subject K to the absolute holy shit grail that was his heart? No. It was reading into everything so much for a guy he barely knew. He was being dramatic and intense. Could he ever do anything the normal way? No, he knew that wasn't an option. Not for him.

Plus this guy's boyfriend had just fucked off. Maybe the guy was still waiting on one last call. Who was he to stroll into this place and try to stake claims on anyone? Shit. He needed to be cool.)

Depends. (He's slow to speak, carefully calculating each word. He's writing and rewriting drafts on the insides of his lenses, having a dozen conversations with Anti-Dirk to try and find some balance. He hated talking in person sometimes. The pauses were unnatural and he knew it, but he needed them to process.)

I flirt because it is fun and most people enjoy being flirted with. It's easy with friends. Most of them know it's my version of teasing. (Not so bad so far.) I'm touch starved in the most literal sense one could be. I want to enjoy being able to touch men finally. Properly. Not just fantasizing.

(A clarity on preferences never hurt. He glances at K at last.)

But no, I can't say I am this way with everyone. My interest in you is unique and complex to how you make me feel and things I wonder about you exclusively. I'd be happy to go with any of my friends, but I wanted to come with you specifically. You're the only person I would have felt disappointed if you had said no.

(Okay. Great. So, that was honest without being too honest? He has no idea.)

[ Regardless of how stretched the pauses become, K doesn't rush to fill the silence. His attention remains on Dirk, curious and a little expectant, but without impatience. He doesn't mind Dirk taking the time he needs to answer... and what an answer it is.

There had been something of an underlying, vague feeling of being interchangeable with any of the others Dirk flirts with, so the clarification helps allay some of it. While raising a whole host of other questions. But those probably warrant more consideration before he attempts to share any of them, because this is a matter that requires some delicacy; they may have barely met, but Dirk is already important to him.

When he speaks, his voice has softened slightly. ] I'm only here because you invited me. [ After a moment he looks back down at the walkway. ] Because I wanted to come with you, specifically, too.

[ Touch men and Pthumerians, you mean? he almost wants to tease, but isn't sure it's quite the right time for introducing levity into the conversation. He doesn't want to give the wrong impression. The honesty is appreciated and answering it with jokes might possibly come across as disrespectful. Instead, he carefully chooses his words. ]

And have you? Been able to enjoy that with men here.

[ K knows what isolation and being touch starved is like, even if his situation had differed somewhat. He'd been surrounded by humans who despised him for being an android, while other androids despised and feared him because humans ordered him to hunt his own kind. An outcast even amongst outcasts. Before Technical Boy, his only experiences with physical contact had been either impersonal — technicians ensuring he's fit for service, treating him like any other useful but disposable tool — or characterised by violence and violation, without his consent ever being a factor. Because in his homeworld, consent doesn't exist for those like him.

If Dirk has been trying to make up for the wealth of experiences he'd been denied growing up, it's more than understandable. K doesn't intend to get in the way of that, already giving thought to what he'll do if Dirk ends up hitting it off with someone else at The Red and possibly leaving with them. He has, perhaps, misinterpreted the touch starved comment, but he means well. ]

(The problem, Dirk has determined, is that he cared about what K thought about him when it came to this stuff. He wanted to appear as both inaccessible and available. Hearing that K came because of him makes him feel that ruffling warmth again.)

Cool. So we're mutually here for each other. (Which definitely sounded like a date, but he doesn't dare say that. The next question feels heavier somehow, and once again, Dirk falls silent. This was one of those situations he had never felt prepared for and he hated feeling incompetent. He tries to shut himself off and take a few steps back emotionally. Just stick to honesty. Bluntness and practicality.)

Sexually, yes. There are interesting guys here who are compatible with my personality. Guys who are down for a good time.

(There's a silent 'but' hanging between them. Dirk shifts a bit closer to K in the walk until his elbow brushes lightly against K's arm. There were a dozen questions and comments he wanted to make, but God, he did not need to fuck this up. He flashsteps around K and stands in front of him, facing him. It's an abrupt move that happens in the blink of an eye, making it evident that he really isn't traditionally human anymore.)

I'm attracted to you. You fascinate me. I want to know you - whatever parts of you I'm allowed to know. (He slides his hands into his pockets, assuming a casual stance for such a personal conversation.)

But I can be obsessive and controlling. I don't want to do that to you. (Similarly, K had become important to him as well. Maybe it was because of kinship or something. He doesn't know, doesn't care about the why. This was oversharing. He was oversharing. He shrugs awkwardly, looking down between them at their feet, shifting around on his heel to start walking again.)

Sorry, man. All I'm saying is I'd sleep with you but because of personal feelings, I'd probably get clingy and weird about it. (Dirk, this is absolutely not how you develop relationships.)

(Savage being calm in juxtaposition made Dirk feel like he had a reliable axis to float around. It made him feel a bit more settled down, but only a little. Dirk looked good in the trench coat, and Dirk found that he appreciated the lack of armor. As much as he enjoyed maintaining an aesthetic, he liked Savage's body. He laughs at the question, rocking his hips from side to side in a small, simple dance.)

Why not both? This city ain't ready for me.

(He liked a guy who didn't struggle with insecurity. Dirk had no time for someone who felt inadequate. He smiles at the attention to the bow, all but beaming.)

Am I? Shit, yeah, I can feel it rolling. (Savage was right. He felt he could combust if he did one thing off. He smiles even wider and moves to hook his arms around Savage's neck to hug close. He gives Savage a brisk kiss before leaning away.)

Thank you. I appreciate the support. (He shakes his head.) Nah man. I've got you, got me, we're good to roll out. I like the coat. You look real good.

(He grabs Savage's hand, deciding why not? They can hold hands, right? If Savage didn't want to, he would respect that, but he felt grounded by the touch.)

If we get bored halfway, we can ditch.

[ The flashstepping brings K up short, and it speaks to the unmitigated weirdness he's experienced over the last several years that he doesn't outwardly appear startled by the move. But it takes conscious effort not to brace himself as though anticipating being hit, which is down to instincts and nothing personal, and he mostly manages it. He just waits for Dirk to continue speaking without interrupting. And then they're walking again like nothing happened.

Having someone express interest in him and essentially reject(?) him in the same breath is definitely a first, and he's beginning to suspect emotional whiplash is a feature and not a bug when it comes to friendship with Dirk. He spends a few moments mentally composing himself. ]

Then I suppose it's good that casual, no-strings arrangements haven't ever appealed to me. I don't wanna be a meaningless conquest. And I haven't really learned how to share because I've never had to. [ I.e. he can get possessive and he knows this about himself. But then, so could TB, so it had worked out well for them.

When it comes to these matters, he prefers quality over quantity; a partner to share his life with over numerous hookups. But he thinks better of saying it, not wanting Dirk to mistake it for some kind of moral judgment of his own proclivities. It isn't. K's just self-aware enough to recognise his need for an emotional connection and some level of mutual commitment in a relationship, among other things. ]

Obsessive and controlling, clingy and weird... the way you say it, it doesn't sound like you'd be very happy either. So you can know me, and I'd like to know you better, too, and it doesn't have to get weird? [ He tilts his head in a shrugging motion, looking over at Dirk now. ] You've missed out on a lot. You should enjoy yourself and experience everything you've wanted to, do whatever does make you happy. [ Or whoever makes him happy, as the case may be. ]

(It wouldn't be an off-base instinct. Dirk was a violent person and he would fault no one for flinching because of him. His aggression went well beyond the physical and into the emotional. The emotional whiplash was real with this one. Dirk liked a sense of control over his relationships and interactions which meant cutting in and out of conversations rather than letting them flow.)

Yeah. I wouldn't want you to be a meaningless conquest either. Not for me or another. (After some of the things that K had told him about androids and how they were treated...Yeah, Dirk could put the pieces together. He does smile mildly.) Not gonna lie. The idea of you being possessive of me is extremely appealing.

(Jake had never...Dirk had always wanted to feel possessed by someone, to have someone who wanted him as badly as he wanted them. He was blunt with his actual courting and some days he wondered if anyone would ever be that direct with him. Unlikely. He allows himself a small window for fantasy about K taking charge and has to immediately cut that thought off. It gives him a wild rush, like dropping off the edge of a building, and he takes a small breath.

God, this was one of the worst ideas ever. Resisting would just make it worse. But resist he must. Maybe it was just base attraction anyway, right? Like they were saying, he had few experiences. Maybe he was just projecting hard. Psychologically, it made sense.)

I would want to be a good person for you to date. But I'm not a good person for anyone to date. I would build up these expectations and ideas in my head and then get furious when they aren't met and cyberstalk you to try and see how I'm getting fucked over. I don't know. (He was pretty good at selling himself short, he thinks. The more he spoke, the more it sounded like he was trying to justify this to himself more than to K.)

Yes. It doesn't have to get weird. (Right. They can be mature about this. People were friends with people they were into all the time. He didn't need to be such a fuckboy about it. He pushes his hands into his pockets deeper and lets himself breathe. It was good he admitted this. Made it easier and less like he was hiding something.)

Thank you, K. (For being supportive. For not thinking he's a total freak to begin with.) I'm still not sure what actually makes me happy these days. Sex is easy but it's gone as soon as it comes. I'm always buzzing out of my skin for something.

(He was oversharing. He nips that in the bud and assumes a more relaxed position.)

To reference your point earlier - yes, I do this with everyone. But I do this in a very specific way with you. I can stop if you're uncomfortable or rather I just lay off altogether. Does this situation make you uncomfortable?

Both is fine by me. The city will simply have to learn to cope.

[It had survived his brother, so he expected that it would learn to bend with Dirk's seemingly endless energy. He could feel that energy radiating off of Dirk as if he were standing a touch too close to a star, but it wasn't going to make him move. No, he remained securely in Dirk's orbit.]

Are you reacting to the moon's energy? [He bent down at the arms around his neck, and his own replied by circling just under Dirk's arms so he could just lift the younger man off of the ground to be more on his level. Sometimes he just liked to lift Dirk up, let those legs dangle a bit. While the kiss was brief, he pursued for a second just as brisk one.] If you burn, I'm throwing you in the ocean.

[He kept his hold on Dirk because why not and simply began to walk to the door. He'd put the blond down once they were there, even if there may be a threat that he would continue to just carry Dirk everywhere. He knew better; the human should walk some of that manic radiating energy off.] It was a gift. [He spoke the word 'gift' like it was foreign to him.]

But... we'll do that bathroom thing you were talking about? [He wanted to see if he would be uncomfortable or not. He opened the door to let Dirk proceed him to the streets and the snow.]

[ That is. Not the reaction he would've ever expected to his admission of being possessive. So many people act as though it's some kind of relationship cardinal sin, a sign that things are unhealthy and headed for disaster... The reaction is enough to give him pause. Something he'll unpack more later, perhaps. For now the thought is set aside in order to focus on more relevant matters.

He hesitates, still trying to choose his words with care. ] Maybe you're looking in the wrong places for what you need.

[ Those casual encounters may be enjoyable in the moment, but he thinks they sound like they're not wholly fulfilling for Dirk. But K's also aware of his own biases, and why he knows he wouldn't find casual encounters fulfilling on any level — likely not even sexually, for various reasons. Looking at someone else's situation through the lens of his own experience and preferences is probably not helpful. ]

Not knowing what's expected of me makes me uncomfortable. But I think we've worked that out. [ In that they'll remain friends without benefits. It's just as well; depression doesn't exactly make for a raging libido in the first place. And who knows, maybe one of Dirk's friends with benefits arrangements will develop into something more one day, and K would far rather be a supportive friend than a side piece who gets dumped if that happens. Then again, maybe Dirk subscribes to the troll quadrant system...? ] Are you uncomfortable?

And built up expectations, cyberstalking— [ He shakes his head, not understanding. ] Did all of that happen before? [ Because it sounds pretty damn specific. He's guessing it either happened or Dirk's trying to justify why he'd rather avoid commitment. ]

Probably.

(This place was his first real chance to form a life beyond the game. He had no idea where to even begin. He doesn't even know how to express that anxiety and was oblivious to the corruption it was slowly causing him. He didn't even like how transparent he was being now. Except some part of him felt like K wasn't exactly the sort of person to run around spewing other people's personal baggage.

He gives a quick nod because yeah, that makes sense. It makes him feel mildly better about being so upfront.)

I'll keep the expectations clear then. No beating around the bush. (Dirk was more of the monogamous sort himself, but God knows he was gunshy on commitment and his capacity for a healthy romance. It was probably insane of him to even be hashing this out like this to a guy he mostly just met. But it was something he had wished he had done with Jake. It would have saved them both so much grief no matter how embarrassing it might have felt.)

No. (A beat. His shoulders shrug up and he wishes he was just text on a screen.) Mostly uncertain and wary.

(Which wasn't the same thing, he doesn't think. He pushes his glasses up against his brow, in some part wanting to be absolutely sure nothing was showing.)

Mmm. (He exhales slowly, his breath puffing out in the cold air.) Growing up I only ever knew one other human boy from the past - time bullshit, it's complicated. Statistically, he was the only viable romantic option for me ever. I fixated. He was my best friend. I wasn't available romantically or sexually to the two girls. All of us never even imagined we'd ever get to see each other in real life anyway given the circumstances.

(Which were staggering and horrible for normal romance.) He knew I was into him and I guess he wanted to give me a chance even though I can't really say he actually liked guys. He'd always say shit like, 'Man, if you were a girl, you'd be my soul mate.' I always knew I would never be right for him, but I was lonely and sixteen and liked to think maybe he was just going to have some late awakening? I mean, he wanted to give it a go, so I figured that meant something, right?

(His voice falters and it's almost too close to home to keep talking about. He falls quiet, frowning.)

We eventually did meet up. And things went south pretty quick. I was too intense for him. I just wanted everything from him and he was still testing the waters of romance and the idea of maybe liking boys. I was desperate. I didn't make him do anything he didn't want to, obviously, but when he started to want space, I wasn't great at giving him it. He ghosted me for like, months, and I just got worse and got upset and more obsessive than ever.

Finally, I just broke up with him in a really dickish way. But man, I was like, badgering the other girl he was maybe into, and I ripped some chick's soul out because I was jealous. Granted, she was also doing some other shady stuff, but I ain't gonna lie and say my jealousy had nothing to do with how I attacked her. (He feels the grind of discomfort burrowing deeper.) I told him we shouldn't even be friends. Ignored him for a while. We eventually did work it out and started being friends again years later but I dunno. I didn't like who I was when I was with him.

[ Uncertain and wary aren't the same as uncomfortable, it's true enough, but those feelings are just as concerning to K and his heart sinks hearing it. He's pretty sure that's not how friends should feel around each other, and can't help wondering if he's already damaged things between them. They'll have to come back to it.

With the retelling of Dirk's past relationship, K feels he understands the conundrum that is Dirk Strider a little better. Not as well as he'd like to, but it provided a small window through which to glimpse the parts of Dirk that, he thinks, he would not normally want anyone to see. Or let anyone see. Or maybe that's all wishful thinking, but K's going to treat it as though it's real vulnerability being shared with him. ]

I'm sorry that went so badly for you. [ There's a sudden desire to reach for Dirk's arm, or maybe his hand, but his earlier words — uncertain and wary — prevent K at first. He's also not especially tactile with people in general until he knows how comfortable they are with it. But after a few moments of internal debate, he finally does reach up and touch Dirk's arm in a gesture of comfort and reassurance. Firm enough to be sure it's felt, and then he drops his hand back to his side. ]

Yeah... it sounds like you two were wrong for each other from the start. But I understand why you would've wanted to try, believing it would be your only opportunity ever for a relationship. [ He makes a thoughtful sound. ] Could be that's only who you were with him, because he brought out the worst in you. [ And not necessarily who Dirk will be with anyone else he might become involved with. K glances at him as they walk, watching him for a moment. ] You feel wary around me?

(Dirk does feel vulnerable. He had done it to himself. Some part of him began to regret how ridiculous he was being here. There was nothing cool about this part of him. But he kept telling himself it's what K deserved. If only because he didn't want to subject the android to things he has been trying to get away from.

His thoughts are cut off abruptly when he feels the hand touch him. His head jerks ever so slightly, and it's proof enough that he is not used to touching still. Not used to a caring hand glancing off his arm. It makes his whole body crawl with goosebumps. It's more soothing than the words. He feels dizzy.)

Thank you. (For the touch more than the apology, he thinks. He absently touches the spot K had just touched with his own fingers, trying to chase the feeling and keep it close.)

We were wrong for each other, yeah. (At least he understood that now. He looks at K, his lenses shiny in the dark.) I suppose that is a possibility.

(He didn't have as much hope in himself though. But he had thrown enough of a pity party already. He lowers his hand, realizing he's been touching that spot for too long now. He puts his hands back in his pockets.)

I feel wary of myself around you.

[ K recognises that reaction to being touched: he sees himself from several years ago. It's the easiest Dirk's ever been to read. Which probably isn't saying much, but it's enough to make K wonder if maybe he wasn't mistaken in thinking the hookups aren't providing Dirk with what he most needs, after a life of isolation and what sounded like an extremely lonely, destructive relationship. All the sex in the world can't begin to compare to what it's like experiencing a genuine — and mutual — connection with someone on a soul deep level... but he doesn't presume to think their respective needs are the same, either. That's something only Dirk can figure out for himself, when and if he's ever ready to.

But in the meantime, he thinks maybe it wouldn't hurt to offer more casual physical contact like that. Careful affection that isn't laden with any expectations, sexual or otherwise. ]

But you don't seem convinced. You don't think anyone could bring out a better side of you? Instead of feeding your insecurities the way he did. [ Because seriously. "If you were a girl, you'd be my soul mate"? Feeling like your significant other only settled for you because they couldn't be with who they really want is terrible, regardless of the circumstances.

He lets out a breath, almost a sigh. It doesn't mist in the air. ]

Are you wary because you don't trust yourself? [ Not to follow that same destructive path he had in the past. Or because Dirk doesn't trust him? ]

(Dirk comes to realize what was going on here, what has been going on here. K was observant. K saw him or, at the very least, wanted to see him. Dirk had a suspicion that K wouldn't fall for the cool bro persona even if Dirk had rolled into this putting up every front he knew how to put up. What it brought into question was what K got out of it or why he cared to see him at all. There was no gain. So he contemplates the question, contemplates why the question existed in the first place.

K wasn't wrong either. Jake hadn't been good for him no matter how much Dirk wanted him to be. It was a first relationship, a young relationship, a stupid relationship, and his only relationship.)

I don't know what a better side of me would look like. (Some of that warm comfort from K's blood was settling over him. He wonders if he could ask him to dance later. He would. It would be nice.)

Why do you care?

(He's not asking in a snide way, but genuine. K owed him nothing let alone this probing kindness.)

Yes. (He pauses, thinking.) I'm used to having a screen between myself and whatever important conversation I'm having. Time to think and assess the situation. In recent years, the stakes were high for the other person, not me.

(He can see the Red ahead and slows his step. He trusted K more than he trust himself not to fuck things up.)

I also do not trust this city. (He looks up, around them.) The high possibility of personality distortion isn't assuring for any new relationship.

I care because I have the capacity to. [ His sense of humour tends to run desert dry, and this is no exception. But then he continues, more sincerely. ] I like you and want to know you. I feel I can relate to you in a way I can't with anyone else here. There's a feeling of... [ Intimacy, he almost wants to say, but it carries too many connotations that don't really apply to what he's trying to express. He doesn't want to muddy the waters any more than they already are. ] Closeness? Or what could become closeness, if we allow it.

I'd like to be there when you discover what that better side of yourself looks like. [ A beat. ] You don't know how to handle people caring about you. And that's fine. You'll learn. Like I did. It probably won't be easy, but isn't it worth trying? [ It isn't actually a rhetorical question. For Dirk, all of this might very well not be worth the effort. Only he can decide for himself.

Unaccustomed as he is to making such lengthy speeches in person, K needs a moment to collect himself. He absently tends to his suit, smoothing and straightening it, mainly as an excuse to keep his hands busy. It helps clear his mind. ]

We can stick to communicating via Omnis in the future, if you're more comfortable that way. And the city shouldn't be trusted. But I think that's all the more reason why having people you can rely on is important. You know. "It's dangerous to go alone." [ Except instead of receiving a useful sword, Dirk's stuck with a dubiously useful robot.

When they finally reach their destination, K steps forward and holds the door (or... door equivalent) for Dirk, looking back at him expectantly. ]

(It gets a scoff from Dirk, a quietly amused sound.) Ass.

(Said with complete fondness. He can feel something fluttering around in his chest. It's difficult to keep a smile off his face, but he manages.)

I would like to allow it. I feel similarly. (Obviously. There was something pronounced there. He sucks in a slow breath.)

You barely know me and you're already out here believing in me like that, huh? That's a lot of faith in me, handsome. (Now it felt okay to flirt a bit more directly, in a more controlled sense where they were both on the same page and knew what was going on. He realizes he feels less nervous now too, and not just because of K's closeness. But his willingness to listen to Dirk.)

I'm used to being the one calling the shots. Making sure people are taken care of. (Even if it meant fucking some people over. He shakes his head, laughing again, this time more out of disbelief than humor.) Yeah, it's worth trying. People like you always make it worth trying.

(Dirk knew himself enough to know that K was already going to be an established weak spot for him. He wasn't going to put up a fight against that. It would never work. He watches K from the corner of his eye, watching the motion of his hands and he absently thinks about those hands gliding across his own body. Touching his arm again. He shivers and plays it off like it's just the cold, rubbing his hands over his own biceps.)

Mmm. I am more comfortable that way, but I won't learn from it. I want to get better and become comfortable speaking to you in person too. I like being challenged. (K was right. It was dangerous. Dirk had enough swords for both of them.

He smiles at K holding the door for him. He rests a hand over his chest.)

My, oh my. Thank you, darlin'. (His Southern drawl deepens and he passes by K with a grin still on his face. When he passes by K, he rests his hand briefly on K's in silent appreciation and a return of K's earlier gesture. Once inside, he sticks close to K.)

After that emotionally raw convo, you think you're ready to watch me shake my ass or what?

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