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π™³πš’πš›πš” πš‚πšπš›πš’πšπšŽπš› ([personal profile] givehead) wrote in [community profile] deercountry2022-01-14 09:45 pm

You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Who: Dirk Striders + Others (closed to threads that had prior discussion. If you are interested in jumping on the bandwagon, please shoot me a PM or message me on Plurk/Discord!)
What: The Snake Den prompt, Shedding prompt + splinters of Dirk
When: Throughout January - Feb
Where: The Red & Other

Content Warnings: Explicit sexual content/jokes/phrases, references to suicide/decapitation, self-worth/depression, themes of identity/dissociation etc.

obeir: (225)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-15 07:21 am (UTC)(link)
[ It turns out having a day in which to prepare himself for the party is needed for more than just tempering his nerves. When K examines himself in the mirror with a critical eye, it dawns on him that his customary scruff is close to achieving full on grief beard status. And not a well-groomed one, either. Following a lackluster attempt at taming it, he decides the whole thing should go and carefully shaves his face, afterward spending a few minutes just feeling his clean shaven skin. It won't last, but it's β€” nice, he thinks, for a change. And not for the first time he wonders what Dirk will make of him. He's a pretty far cry from the metallic-looking robots Dirk was raised by...

As he's dressing in the extravagant suit from Madam Generosity, he's surprised by the perfect fit. Had it been specifically tailored for him? She must have really gone above and beyond with the gift; he's genuinely touched by it. With time to spare before he needs to leave, he finds himself considering the matter of cologne. Would it be weird? Too much? He's unsure of what the protocol is for such a party, not to mention the ambiguous nature of Dirk's invitation, but eventually he opts for the faintest hint of cologne. And then he's off.

He does, indeed, know Dirk when he sees him. It'd be impossible not to in that outfit. So he's clearly not the only one who received something bespoke, because damn if that magical girl uniform doesn't perfectly fit Dirk in every way. Which is a totally normal thing to notice in this situation, okay. He's mindful to keep his admiring looks within the realm of gentlemanly as he approaches. ]


Dirk. You weren't kidding. [ A shy smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. ] It suits you. Are you ready to go?
obeir: (218)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-15 03:21 pm (UTC)(link)
[ K follows the trajectory of Dirk's hand before looking back up to his face, expression questioning, not understanding what was meant by the gesture. Did Dirk... maybe want to shake hands? It would make sense; they were meeting in person for the first time. That's what people do. They shake hands, it's polite. Why hadn't he thought of it first? By the time he works this out it's entirely too late to take Dirk's already withdrawn hand without it being hideously awkward.

Off to a great start. He inwardly sighs.

At least he isn't the only one who seems to be having trouble navigating these things, judging by that prolonged silence. Plus, Dirk had previously mentioned having to learn social gestures on the fly. They can just be awkward. Together. But he certainly won't blame Dirk if he ends up ditching him at the party... ]


Thank you. So do you. [ The compliment makes him duck his head slightly, his smile returning as his expression softens. His presence carries a subtle warmth, a soothing impression of comfort that will grow in strength the longer Dirk is near him. K remains unaware of the effect β€” he simply hasn't been around people enough lately to notice. But what he can sense is the return of that compulsion toward honesty that he'd first experienced over the network. Because he tends to be more talkative through text than in person, maybe he won't completely embarrass himself tonight.

He can hope, anyway.

He nods ahead of them. ]
Let's walk.

[ Since it's nice out (or he thinks it is; the cold weather doesn't bother him) and walking will give them a chance to get a little better acquainted before the party, where the level of noise might not be conducive to conversation. He'll fall into step with Dirk and walk beside him, easily matching whatever pace he prefers. ]

Though it isn't too late to change your mind about this. I won't be offended. [ He's thinking about that prolonged silence, about how distracted Dirk had seemed. He's hard to read. Especially with the glasses. Maybe he isn't what Dirk expected, and maybe that's disappointing. Maybe Dirk just isn't ready for the party after all. There could be any number of reasons... ] How are you feeling about your performance? Are you excited to have an audience? Potentially a pretty big one.
obeir: (224)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-16 06:08 am (UTC)(link)
[ He wasn't prepared for going from feeling like they're having a genuine moment of connection to being caught off-guard by the compliment, and the emotional whiplash makes him mentally stumble now. He's flustered, looking down to watch his feet for several moments.

He could point out how most of his features were likely chosen by his owner because humans prefer attractive slaves, and he has before in response to compliments, but... he kind of wants to accept this one for what it is, without deflection. Even if it might just be a line, based on what he saw during his own vague cyberstalking of Dirk's public network posts. (What sort of AI would he be if he didn't lurk on the network?) There's also the matter of the boyfriend Dirk may have acquired. K's never witnessed Sleepers become so aggressive about setting two people up to date before. ]


...Well, I'm glad to be able to provide retroactive validation. You thought you were an android? [ It would make perfect sense with everything he knows about Dirk's origin and upbringing. And he would not wish that kind of identity crisis on anyone. ] I've been mistaken for human before. [ A beat. ] And find it wildly offensive.

[ It's the truth, but there's also a fair hint of amusement in his tone as though he's trying to tease a little. Being told before that he could "pass" for one of the beings who have enslaved and abused him just isn't quite the compliment that some think it is, as though humans are the pinnacle of existence that all synthetic beings should want to be like. But he does understand such comparisons are rarely made with malicious intent, at least here. ]

Just sounds like you're a natural performer and you're going to enjoy yourself tonight. I'd say that's a good thing. You might not even need the moral support. [ K's rather less keen on having an audience himself, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he's sat behind a piano and doesn't have to look at them. He gives a thoughtful hum. ] I didn't prepare a performance, but maybe I could play something. [ He'll have to give it more thought. The general atmosphere of the party will also have to be taken into account. ]
opress: (pic#14587925)

[personal profile] opress 2022-01-16 07:25 pm (UTC)(link)
[As always, Savage was calm and stoic. The effect of his blood was minimal on his disposition, and he seemed to associate more and more with those with a manic sort of energy and brilliance of body and mind. He felt Dirk coming long before he saw the human, and the energy of the Force radiated higher and higher the shorter the distance was between them. If anything, it set the glow of his eyes higher when he found himself staring at the fascinating outfit Dirk decided to show up in.

For the first time in a very long time, he had set aside his armour for a public appearance. He still wore his combat trousers and boots as well as the sleeveless undershirt that was probably the only shirt he actually owned. He topped off the choice with a massive gothic trenchcoat.

His nostrils flared a little as he drank in the familiar scent of the blond, and he experienced the press of Dirk's power on him. Thankfully, much of his ability to defend himself was unseen, an armour of the Force that he used to deflect much of the energy that Dirk naturally and at an increased rate gave off.]


You can't stand still. Are you about to do a hostile take over of the talent or fashion show?

[Dirk was that kind of personality, and he had no issue standing in the shadow of the human either. It was never his role or priority to take over a scene. Often his physical imposition would do more talking than he had to. He had learned early that Dirk could kill him, that he might be a physical match for their sexual play time, but that was because Dirk allowed it to be so. Oh he could surprise the human, but he knew in no uncertain terms that he was outmatched. It didn't bruise his ego one bit.

Instead, he stepped into Dirk's direct radius, calm but oddly welcoming. He reached out with his hands to tug lightly at the bow as if setting it.]


You're giving off a significant amount of energy that is easy to feel. It seems like its on the verge of being overwhelming if you aren't careful. [He tugged Dirk in closer to him then made good on touching that blond hair. It always fascinated him.] No fighting, fine. Even if you clear a room with this energy, I'll still be there.

[Because that's what Savage did. With Maul. With Dirk. He was the physical entity that very much knew how to root himself.]

Do you need anything before we go?
obeir: (219)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-17 03:52 am (UTC)(link)
[ While listening to Dirk describing his past beliefs, K absently runs his fingers along the delicate embroidery of his shirt cuffs, looking thoughtful. Some of that hits close to home for reasons he actively resists the compulsion to share. It isn't really the time or place for his deep existential quandaries. ]

For what it's worth, I think who you are is more important than what you are. And you get to define your identity. [ As for the track record of humans... ] How humanity has produced so much good poetry and music despite being what it is, I'll never understand.

[ The banter is nice. The teasing and vague hints of something more. And maybe he should leave it at that, but... He returns the glance, eyebrows raised. ]

And there goes my plan to escape out the back when you're not looking. I wouldn't want to compromise your performance.

...You're like this with everyone, aren't you? [ Even as he says it he's trying to suppress a smile. He knows he's being a bit gullible (okay, maybe more than a bit) and probably shouldn't take any of this too seriously. The attention, the flattery... It's been a while since anyone really made time for him and sought his company for purely social reasons, and that's likely contributing to how off-balance he feels around Dirk, he figures. Technical Boy had always made time for him. Martin and Arid, too. They'll all gone now. He's out of practise with this stuff and Dirk is still learning, himself. That's probably all the flirtation is, he thinks. Learning how to relate to people. ]
obeir: (130)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-17 10:16 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Regardless of how stretched the pauses become, K doesn't rush to fill the silence. His attention remains on Dirk, curious and a little expectant, but without impatience. He doesn't mind Dirk taking the time he needs to answer... and what an answer it is.

There had been something of an underlying, vague feeling of being interchangeable with any of the others Dirk flirts with, so the clarification helps allay some of it. While raising a whole host of other questions. But those probably warrant more consideration before he attempts to share any of them, because this is a matter that requires some delicacy; they may have barely met, but Dirk is already important to him.

When he speaks, his voice has softened slightly. ]
I'm only here because you invited me. [ After a moment he looks back down at the walkway. ] Because I wanted to come with you, specifically, too.

[ Touch men and Pthumerians, you mean? he almost wants to tease, but isn't sure it's quite the right time for introducing levity into the conversation. He doesn't want to give the wrong impression. The honesty is appreciated and answering it with jokes might possibly come across as disrespectful. Instead, he carefully chooses his words. ]

And have you? Been able to enjoy that with men here.

[ K knows what isolation and being touch starved is like, even if his situation had differed somewhat. He'd been surrounded by humans who despised him for being an android, while other androids despised and feared him because humans ordered him to hunt his own kind. An outcast even amongst outcasts. Before Technical Boy, his only experiences with physical contact had been either impersonal β€” technicians ensuring he's fit for service, treating him like any other useful but disposable tool β€” or characterised by violence and violation, without his consent ever being a factor. Because in his homeworld, consent doesn't exist for those like him.

If Dirk has been trying to make up for the wealth of experiences he'd been denied growing up, it's more than understandable. K doesn't intend to get in the way of that, already giving thought to what he'll do if Dirk ends up hitting it off with someone else at The Red and possibly leaving with them. He has, perhaps, misinterpreted the touch starved comment, but he means well. ]
obeir: (221)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-18 07:42 am (UTC)(link)
[ The flashstepping brings K up short, and it speaks to the unmitigated weirdness he's experienced over the last several years that he doesn't outwardly appear startled by the move. But it takes conscious effort not to brace himself as though anticipating being hit, which is down to instincts and nothing personal, and he mostly manages it. He just waits for Dirk to continue speaking without interrupting. And then they're walking again like nothing happened.

Having someone express interest in him and essentially reject(?) him in the same breath is definitely a first, and he's beginning to suspect emotional whiplash is a feature and not a bug when it comes to friendship with Dirk. He spends a few moments mentally composing himself. ]


Then I suppose it's good that casual, no-strings arrangements haven't ever appealed to me. I don't wanna be a meaningless conquest. And I haven't really learned how to share because I've never had to. [ I.e. he can get possessive and he knows this about himself. But then, so could TB, so it had worked out well for them.

When it comes to these matters, he prefers quality over quantity; a partner to share his life with over numerous hookups. But he thinks better of saying it, not wanting Dirk to mistake it for some kind of moral judgment of his own proclivities. It isn't. K's just self-aware enough to recognise his need for an emotional connection and some level of mutual commitment in a relationship, among other things. ]


Obsessive and controlling, clingy and weird... the way you say it, it doesn't sound like you'd be very happy either. So you can know me, and I'd like to know you better, too, and it doesn't have to get weird? [ He tilts his head in a shrugging motion, looking over at Dirk now. ] You've missed out on a lot. You should enjoy yourself and experience everything you've wanted to, do whatever does make you happy. [ Or whoever makes him happy, as the case may be. ]
opress: (pic#14587909)

[personal profile] opress 2022-01-19 12:41 am (UTC)(link)
Both is fine by me. The city will simply have to learn to cope.

[It had survived his brother, so he expected that it would learn to bend with Dirk's seemingly endless energy. He could feel that energy radiating off of Dirk as if he were standing a touch too close to a star, but it wasn't going to make him move. No, he remained securely in Dirk's orbit.]

Are you reacting to the moon's energy? [He bent down at the arms around his neck, and his own replied by circling just under Dirk's arms so he could just lift the younger man off of the ground to be more on his level. Sometimes he just liked to lift Dirk up, let those legs dangle a bit. While the kiss was brief, he pursued for a second just as brisk one.] If you burn, I'm throwing you in the ocean.

[He kept his hold on Dirk because why not and simply began to walk to the door. He'd put the blond down once they were there, even if there may be a threat that he would continue to just carry Dirk everywhere. He knew better; the human should walk some of that manic radiating energy off.] It was a gift. [He spoke the word 'gift' like it was foreign to him.]

But... we'll do that bathroom thing you were talking about? [He wanted to see if he would be uncomfortable or not. He opened the door to let Dirk proceed him to the streets and the snow.]
obeir: (225)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-19 04:30 am (UTC)(link)
[ That is. Not the reaction he would've ever expected to his admission of being possessive. So many people act as though it's some kind of relationship cardinal sin, a sign that things are unhealthy and headed for disaster... The reaction is enough to give him pause. Something he'll unpack more later, perhaps. For now the thought is set aside in order to focus on more relevant matters.

He hesitates, still trying to choose his words with care. ]
Maybe you're looking in the wrong places for what you need.

[ Those casual encounters may be enjoyable in the moment, but he thinks they sound like they're not wholly fulfilling for Dirk. But K's also aware of his own biases, and why he knows he wouldn't find casual encounters fulfilling on any level β€” likely not even sexually, for various reasons. Looking at someone else's situation through the lens of his own experience and preferences is probably not helpful. ]

Not knowing what's expected of me makes me uncomfortable. But I think we've worked that out. [ In that they'll remain friends without benefits. It's just as well; depression doesn't exactly make for a raging libido in the first place. And who knows, maybe one of Dirk's friends with benefits arrangements will develop into something more one day, and K would far rather be a supportive friend than a side piece who gets dumped if that happens. Then again, maybe Dirk subscribes to the troll quadrant system...? ] Are you uncomfortable?

And built up expectations, cyberstalkingβ€” [ He shakes his head, not understanding. ] Did all of that happen before? [ Because it sounds pretty damn specific. He's guessing it either happened or Dirk's trying to justify why he'd rather avoid commitment. ]
obeir: (220)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-19 08:28 am (UTC)(link)
[ Uncertain and wary aren't the same as uncomfortable, it's true enough, but those feelings are just as concerning to K and his heart sinks hearing it. He's pretty sure that's not how friends should feel around each other, and can't help wondering if he's already damaged things between them. They'll have to come back to it.

With the retelling of Dirk's past relationship, K feels he understands the conundrum that is Dirk Strider a little better. Not as well as he'd like to, but it provided a small window through which to glimpse the parts of Dirk that, he thinks, he would not normally want anyone to see. Or let anyone see. Or maybe that's all wishful thinking, but K's going to treat it as though it's real vulnerability being shared with him. ]


I'm sorry that went so badly for you. [ There's a sudden desire to reach for Dirk's arm, or maybe his hand, but his earlier words β€” uncertain and wary β€” prevent K at first. He's also not especially tactile with people in general until he knows how comfortable they are with it. But after a few moments of internal debate, he finally does reach up and touch Dirk's arm in a gesture of comfort and reassurance. Firm enough to be sure it's felt, and then he drops his hand back to his side. ]

Yeah... it sounds like you two were wrong for each other from the start. But I understand why you would've wanted to try, believing it would be your only opportunity ever for a relationship. [ He makes a thoughtful sound. ] Could be that's only who you were with him, because he brought out the worst in you. [ And not necessarily who Dirk will be with anyone else he might become involved with. K glances at him as they walk, watching him for a moment. ] You feel wary around me?
obeir: (213)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-20 05:59 am (UTC)(link)
[ K recognises that reaction to being touched: he sees himself from several years ago. It's the easiest Dirk's ever been to read. Which probably isn't saying much, but it's enough to make K wonder if maybe he wasn't mistaken in thinking the hookups aren't providing Dirk with what he most needs, after a life of isolation and what sounded like an extremely lonely, destructive relationship. All the sex in the world can't begin to compare to what it's like experiencing a genuine β€” and mutual β€” connection with someone on a soul deep level... but he doesn't presume to think their respective needs are the same, either. That's something only Dirk can figure out for himself, when and if he's ever ready to.

But in the meantime, he thinks maybe it wouldn't hurt to offer more casual physical contact like that. Careful affection that isn't laden with any expectations, sexual or otherwise. ]


But you don't seem convinced. You don't think anyone could bring out a better side of you? Instead of feeding your insecurities the way he did. [ Because seriously. "If you were a girl, you'd be my soul mate"? Feeling like your significant other only settled for you because they couldn't be with who they really want is terrible, regardless of the circumstances.

He lets out a breath, almost a sigh. It doesn't mist in the air. ]


Are you wary because you don't trust yourself? [ Not to follow that same destructive path he had in the past. Or because Dirk doesn't trust him? ]
obeir: (117)

[personal profile] obeir 2022-01-21 02:55 am (UTC)(link)
I care because I have the capacity to. [ His sense of humour tends to run desert dry, and this is no exception. But then he continues, more sincerely. ] I like you and want to know you. I feel I can relate to you in a way I can't with anyone else here. There's a feeling of... [ Intimacy, he almost wants to say, but it carries too many connotations that don't really apply to what he's trying to express. He doesn't want to muddy the waters any more than they already are. ] Closeness? Or what could become closeness, if we allow it.

I'd like to be there when you discover what that better side of yourself looks like. [ A beat. ] You don't know how to handle people caring about you. And that's fine. You'll learn. Like I did. It probably won't be easy, but isn't it worth trying? [ It isn't actually a rhetorical question. For Dirk, all of this might very well not be worth the effort. Only he can decide for himself.

Unaccustomed as he is to making such lengthy speeches in person, K needs a moment to collect himself. He absently tends to his suit, smoothing and straightening it, mainly as an excuse to keep his hands busy. It helps clear his mind. ]


We can stick to communicating via Omnis in the future, if you're more comfortable that way. And the city shouldn't be trusted. But I think that's all the more reason why having people you can rely on is important. You know. "It's dangerous to go alone." [ Except instead of receiving a useful sword, Dirk's stuck with a dubiously useful robot.

When they finally reach their destination, K steps forward and holds the door (or... door equivalent) for Dirk, looking back at him expectantly. ]

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