deercountry | You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Entry tags:

You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Who: Dirk Striders + Others (closed to threads that had prior discussion. If you are interested in jumping on the bandwagon, please shoot me a PM or message me on Plurk/Discord!)
What: The Snake Den prompt, Shedding prompt + splinters of Dirk
When: Throughout January - Feb
Where: The Red & Other

Content Warnings: Explicit sexual content/jokes/phrases, references to suicide/decapitation, self-worth/depression, themes of identity/dissociation etc.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think so too. (For that, he gives K something resembling a genuine smile. It's fleeting and gone in a blink.) Identities tend to be unnecessary social expectations. Male, female, gay, straight...(He shakes his head. He just wanted to be him. Labels, identities...There was no perfect word for Dirk Strider. There never would be.)

It's probably because of all that turmoil. Turmoil tends to create a survival instinct, and for some, that instinct translates into the arts. (Not everyone ran from a fight. Some made poetry about it.

The joke gets a snort out of Dirk, close to a laugh, but not quite. The follow-up sentence makes his expression fall flat again and he takes a moment to respond. He's flirty because it was easy to flirt, fun to flirt. People liked to be flirted with even without the potential of a follow-through. He had a naturally provocative personality. He wasn't about to deny any of that.

But part of him didn't want K to think that K's role right now could be interchangeable with anyone else with a nice face. Yet he didn't want to expose too much of himself either. He didn't want to explain that K was the only person in a long time who managed to make him feel a bit squirmy on the inside.

Was it right to expose K to all of that? K was someone who had been subjected to controlling humans before. Dirk's silence becomes a somber one. Jake had been one thing. A bad enough thing. Could he really subject K to the absolute holy shit grail that was his heart? No. It was reading into everything so much for a guy he barely knew. He was being dramatic and intense. Could he ever do anything the normal way? No, he knew that wasn't an option. Not for him.

Plus this guy's boyfriend had just fucked off. Maybe the guy was still waiting on one last call. Who was he to stroll into this place and try to stake claims on anyone? Shit. He needed to be cool.)

Depends. (He's slow to speak, carefully calculating each word. He's writing and rewriting drafts on the insides of his lenses, having a dozen conversations with Anti-Dirk to try and find some balance. He hated talking in person sometimes. The pauses were unnatural and he knew it, but he needed them to process.)

I flirt because it is fun and most people enjoy being flirted with. It's easy with friends. Most of them know it's my version of teasing. (Not so bad so far.) I'm touch starved in the most literal sense one could be. I want to enjoy being able to touch men finally. Properly. Not just fantasizing.

(A clarity on preferences never hurt. He glances at K at last.)

But no, I can't say I am this way with everyone. My interest in you is unique and complex to how you make me feel and things I wonder about you exclusively. I'd be happy to go with any of my friends, but I wanted to come with you specifically. You're the only person I would have felt disappointed if you had said no.

(Okay. Great. So, that was honest without being too honest? He has no idea.)

[ Regardless of how stretched the pauses become, K doesn't rush to fill the silence. His attention remains on Dirk, curious and a little expectant, but without impatience. He doesn't mind Dirk taking the time he needs to answer... and what an answer it is.

There had been something of an underlying, vague feeling of being interchangeable with any of the others Dirk flirts with, so the clarification helps allay some of it. While raising a whole host of other questions. But those probably warrant more consideration before he attempts to share any of them, because this is a matter that requires some delicacy; they may have barely met, but Dirk is already important to him.

When he speaks, his voice has softened slightly. ] I'm only here because you invited me. [ After a moment he looks back down at the walkway. ] Because I wanted to come with you, specifically, too.

[ Touch men and Pthumerians, you mean? he almost wants to tease, but isn't sure it's quite the right time for introducing levity into the conversation. He doesn't want to give the wrong impression. The honesty is appreciated and answering it with jokes might possibly come across as disrespectful. Instead, he carefully chooses his words. ]

And have you? Been able to enjoy that with men here.

[ K knows what isolation and being touch starved is like, even if his situation had differed somewhat. He'd been surrounded by humans who despised him for being an android, while other androids despised and feared him because humans ordered him to hunt his own kind. An outcast even amongst outcasts. Before Technical Boy, his only experiences with physical contact had been either impersonal — technicians ensuring he's fit for service, treating him like any other useful but disposable tool — or characterised by violence and violation, without his consent ever being a factor. Because in his homeworld, consent doesn't exist for those like him.

If Dirk has been trying to make up for the wealth of experiences he'd been denied growing up, it's more than understandable. K doesn't intend to get in the way of that, already giving thought to what he'll do if Dirk ends up hitting it off with someone else at The Red and possibly leaving with them. He has, perhaps, misinterpreted the touch starved comment, but he means well. ]

(The problem, Dirk has determined, is that he cared about what K thought about him when it came to this stuff. He wanted to appear as both inaccessible and available. Hearing that K came because of him makes him feel that ruffling warmth again.)

Cool. So we're mutually here for each other. (Which definitely sounded like a date, but he doesn't dare say that. The next question feels heavier somehow, and once again, Dirk falls silent. This was one of those situations he had never felt prepared for and he hated feeling incompetent. He tries to shut himself off and take a few steps back emotionally. Just stick to honesty. Bluntness and practicality.)

Sexually, yes. There are interesting guys here who are compatible with my personality. Guys who are down for a good time.

(There's a silent 'but' hanging between them. Dirk shifts a bit closer to K in the walk until his elbow brushes lightly against K's arm. There were a dozen questions and comments he wanted to make, but God, he did not need to fuck this up. He flashsteps around K and stands in front of him, facing him. It's an abrupt move that happens in the blink of an eye, making it evident that he really isn't traditionally human anymore.)

I'm attracted to you. You fascinate me. I want to know you - whatever parts of you I'm allowed to know. (He slides his hands into his pockets, assuming a casual stance for such a personal conversation.)

But I can be obsessive and controlling. I don't want to do that to you. (Similarly, K had become important to him as well. Maybe it was because of kinship or something. He doesn't know, doesn't care about the why. This was oversharing. He was oversharing. He shrugs awkwardly, looking down between them at their feet, shifting around on his heel to start walking again.)

Sorry, man. All I'm saying is I'd sleep with you but because of personal feelings, I'd probably get clingy and weird about it. (Dirk, this is absolutely not how you develop relationships.)

[ The flashstepping brings K up short, and it speaks to the unmitigated weirdness he's experienced over the last several years that he doesn't outwardly appear startled by the move. But it takes conscious effort not to brace himself as though anticipating being hit, which is down to instincts and nothing personal, and he mostly manages it. He just waits for Dirk to continue speaking without interrupting. And then they're walking again like nothing happened.

Having someone express interest in him and essentially reject(?) him in the same breath is definitely a first, and he's beginning to suspect emotional whiplash is a feature and not a bug when it comes to friendship with Dirk. He spends a few moments mentally composing himself. ]

Then I suppose it's good that casual, no-strings arrangements haven't ever appealed to me. I don't wanna be a meaningless conquest. And I haven't really learned how to share because I've never had to. [ I.e. he can get possessive and he knows this about himself. But then, so could TB, so it had worked out well for them.

When it comes to these matters, he prefers quality over quantity; a partner to share his life with over numerous hookups. But he thinks better of saying it, not wanting Dirk to mistake it for some kind of moral judgment of his own proclivities. It isn't. K's just self-aware enough to recognise his need for an emotional connection and some level of mutual commitment in a relationship, among other things. ]

Obsessive and controlling, clingy and weird... the way you say it, it doesn't sound like you'd be very happy either. So you can know me, and I'd like to know you better, too, and it doesn't have to get weird? [ He tilts his head in a shrugging motion, looking over at Dirk now. ] You've missed out on a lot. You should enjoy yourself and experience everything you've wanted to, do whatever does make you happy. [ Or whoever makes him happy, as the case may be. ]

(It wouldn't be an off-base instinct. Dirk was a violent person and he would fault no one for flinching because of him. His aggression went well beyond the physical and into the emotional. The emotional whiplash was real with this one. Dirk liked a sense of control over his relationships and interactions which meant cutting in and out of conversations rather than letting them flow.)

Yeah. I wouldn't want you to be a meaningless conquest either. Not for me or another. (After some of the things that K had told him about androids and how they were treated...Yeah, Dirk could put the pieces together. He does smile mildly.) Not gonna lie. The idea of you being possessive of me is extremely appealing.

(Jake had never...Dirk had always wanted to feel possessed by someone, to have someone who wanted him as badly as he wanted them. He was blunt with his actual courting and some days he wondered if anyone would ever be that direct with him. Unlikely. He allows himself a small window for fantasy about K taking charge and has to immediately cut that thought off. It gives him a wild rush, like dropping off the edge of a building, and he takes a small breath.

God, this was one of the worst ideas ever. Resisting would just make it worse. But resist he must. Maybe it was just base attraction anyway, right? Like they were saying, he had few experiences. Maybe he was just projecting hard. Psychologically, it made sense.)

I would want to be a good person for you to date. But I'm not a good person for anyone to date. I would build up these expectations and ideas in my head and then get furious when they aren't met and cyberstalk you to try and see how I'm getting fucked over. I don't know. (He was pretty good at selling himself short, he thinks. The more he spoke, the more it sounded like he was trying to justify this to himself more than to K.)

Yes. It doesn't have to get weird. (Right. They can be mature about this. People were friends with people they were into all the time. He didn't need to be such a fuckboy about it. He pushes his hands into his pockets deeper and lets himself breathe. It was good he admitted this. Made it easier and less like he was hiding something.)

Thank you, K. (For being supportive. For not thinking he's a total freak to begin with.) I'm still not sure what actually makes me happy these days. Sex is easy but it's gone as soon as it comes. I'm always buzzing out of my skin for something.

(He was oversharing. He nips that in the bud and assumes a more relaxed position.)

To reference your point earlier - yes, I do this with everyone. But I do this in a very specific way with you. I can stop if you're uncomfortable or rather I just lay off altogether. Does this situation make you uncomfortable?

[ That is. Not the reaction he would've ever expected to his admission of being possessive. So many people act as though it's some kind of relationship cardinal sin, a sign that things are unhealthy and headed for disaster... The reaction is enough to give him pause. Something he'll unpack more later, perhaps. For now the thought is set aside in order to focus on more relevant matters.

He hesitates, still trying to choose his words with care. ] Maybe you're looking in the wrong places for what you need.

[ Those casual encounters may be enjoyable in the moment, but he thinks they sound like they're not wholly fulfilling for Dirk. But K's also aware of his own biases, and why he knows he wouldn't find casual encounters fulfilling on any level — likely not even sexually, for various reasons. Looking at someone else's situation through the lens of his own experience and preferences is probably not helpful. ]

Not knowing what's expected of me makes me uncomfortable. But I think we've worked that out. [ In that they'll remain friends without benefits. It's just as well; depression doesn't exactly make for a raging libido in the first place. And who knows, maybe one of Dirk's friends with benefits arrangements will develop into something more one day, and K would far rather be a supportive friend than a side piece who gets dumped if that happens. Then again, maybe Dirk subscribes to the troll quadrant system...? ] Are you uncomfortable?

And built up expectations, cyberstalking— [ He shakes his head, not understanding. ] Did all of that happen before? [ Because it sounds pretty damn specific. He's guessing it either happened or Dirk's trying to justify why he'd rather avoid commitment. ]

Probably.

(This place was his first real chance to form a life beyond the game. He had no idea where to even begin. He doesn't even know how to express that anxiety and was oblivious to the corruption it was slowly causing him. He didn't even like how transparent he was being now. Except some part of him felt like K wasn't exactly the sort of person to run around spewing other people's personal baggage.

He gives a quick nod because yeah, that makes sense. It makes him feel mildly better about being so upfront.)

I'll keep the expectations clear then. No beating around the bush. (Dirk was more of the monogamous sort himself, but God knows he was gunshy on commitment and his capacity for a healthy romance. It was probably insane of him to even be hashing this out like this to a guy he mostly just met. But it was something he had wished he had done with Jake. It would have saved them both so much grief no matter how embarrassing it might have felt.)

No. (A beat. His shoulders shrug up and he wishes he was just text on a screen.) Mostly uncertain and wary.

(Which wasn't the same thing, he doesn't think. He pushes his glasses up against his brow, in some part wanting to be absolutely sure nothing was showing.)

Mmm. (He exhales slowly, his breath puffing out in the cold air.) Growing up I only ever knew one other human boy from the past - time bullshit, it's complicated. Statistically, he was the only viable romantic option for me ever. I fixated. He was my best friend. I wasn't available romantically or sexually to the two girls. All of us never even imagined we'd ever get to see each other in real life anyway given the circumstances.

(Which were staggering and horrible for normal romance.) He knew I was into him and I guess he wanted to give me a chance even though I can't really say he actually liked guys. He'd always say shit like, 'Man, if you were a girl, you'd be my soul mate.' I always knew I would never be right for him, but I was lonely and sixteen and liked to think maybe he was just going to have some late awakening? I mean, he wanted to give it a go, so I figured that meant something, right?

(His voice falters and it's almost too close to home to keep talking about. He falls quiet, frowning.)

We eventually did meet up. And things went south pretty quick. I was too intense for him. I just wanted everything from him and he was still testing the waters of romance and the idea of maybe liking boys. I was desperate. I didn't make him do anything he didn't want to, obviously, but when he started to want space, I wasn't great at giving him it. He ghosted me for like, months, and I just got worse and got upset and more obsessive than ever.

Finally, I just broke up with him in a really dickish way. But man, I was like, badgering the other girl he was maybe into, and I ripped some chick's soul out because I was jealous. Granted, she was also doing some other shady stuff, but I ain't gonna lie and say my jealousy had nothing to do with how I attacked her. (He feels the grind of discomfort burrowing deeper.) I told him we shouldn't even be friends. Ignored him for a while. We eventually did work it out and started being friends again years later but I dunno. I didn't like who I was when I was with him.

[ Uncertain and wary aren't the same as uncomfortable, it's true enough, but those feelings are just as concerning to K and his heart sinks hearing it. He's pretty sure that's not how friends should feel around each other, and can't help wondering if he's already damaged things between them. They'll have to come back to it.

With the retelling of Dirk's past relationship, K feels he understands the conundrum that is Dirk Strider a little better. Not as well as he'd like to, but it provided a small window through which to glimpse the parts of Dirk that, he thinks, he would not normally want anyone to see. Or let anyone see. Or maybe that's all wishful thinking, but K's going to treat it as though it's real vulnerability being shared with him. ]

I'm sorry that went so badly for you. [ There's a sudden desire to reach for Dirk's arm, or maybe his hand, but his earlier words — uncertain and wary — prevent K at first. He's also not especially tactile with people in general until he knows how comfortable they are with it. But after a few moments of internal debate, he finally does reach up and touch Dirk's arm in a gesture of comfort and reassurance. Firm enough to be sure it's felt, and then he drops his hand back to his side. ]

Yeah... it sounds like you two were wrong for each other from the start. But I understand why you would've wanted to try, believing it would be your only opportunity ever for a relationship. [ He makes a thoughtful sound. ] Could be that's only who you were with him, because he brought out the worst in you. [ And not necessarily who Dirk will be with anyone else he might become involved with. K glances at him as they walk, watching him for a moment. ] You feel wary around me?

(Dirk does feel vulnerable. He had done it to himself. Some part of him began to regret how ridiculous he was being here. There was nothing cool about this part of him. But he kept telling himself it's what K deserved. If only because he didn't want to subject the android to things he has been trying to get away from.

His thoughts are cut off abruptly when he feels the hand touch him. His head jerks ever so slightly, and it's proof enough that he is not used to touching still. Not used to a caring hand glancing off his arm. It makes his whole body crawl with goosebumps. It's more soothing than the words. He feels dizzy.)

Thank you. (For the touch more than the apology, he thinks. He absently touches the spot K had just touched with his own fingers, trying to chase the feeling and keep it close.)

We were wrong for each other, yeah. (At least he understood that now. He looks at K, his lenses shiny in the dark.) I suppose that is a possibility.

(He didn't have as much hope in himself though. But he had thrown enough of a pity party already. He lowers his hand, realizing he's been touching that spot for too long now. He puts his hands back in his pockets.)

I feel wary of myself around you.

[ K recognises that reaction to being touched: he sees himself from several years ago. It's the easiest Dirk's ever been to read. Which probably isn't saying much, but it's enough to make K wonder if maybe he wasn't mistaken in thinking the hookups aren't providing Dirk with what he most needs, after a life of isolation and what sounded like an extremely lonely, destructive relationship. All the sex in the world can't begin to compare to what it's like experiencing a genuine — and mutual — connection with someone on a soul deep level... but he doesn't presume to think their respective needs are the same, either. That's something only Dirk can figure out for himself, when and if he's ever ready to.

But in the meantime, he thinks maybe it wouldn't hurt to offer more casual physical contact like that. Careful affection that isn't laden with any expectations, sexual or otherwise. ]

But you don't seem convinced. You don't think anyone could bring out a better side of you? Instead of feeding your insecurities the way he did. [ Because seriously. "If you were a girl, you'd be my soul mate"? Feeling like your significant other only settled for you because they couldn't be with who they really want is terrible, regardless of the circumstances.

He lets out a breath, almost a sigh. It doesn't mist in the air. ]

Are you wary because you don't trust yourself? [ Not to follow that same destructive path he had in the past. Or because Dirk doesn't trust him? ]

(Dirk comes to realize what was going on here, what has been going on here. K was observant. K saw him or, at the very least, wanted to see him. Dirk had a suspicion that K wouldn't fall for the cool bro persona even if Dirk had rolled into this putting up every front he knew how to put up. What it brought into question was what K got out of it or why he cared to see him at all. There was no gain. So he contemplates the question, contemplates why the question existed in the first place.

K wasn't wrong either. Jake hadn't been good for him no matter how much Dirk wanted him to be. It was a first relationship, a young relationship, a stupid relationship, and his only relationship.)

I don't know what a better side of me would look like. (Some of that warm comfort from K's blood was settling over him. He wonders if he could ask him to dance later. He would. It would be nice.)

Why do you care?

(He's not asking in a snide way, but genuine. K owed him nothing let alone this probing kindness.)

Yes. (He pauses, thinking.) I'm used to having a screen between myself and whatever important conversation I'm having. Time to think and assess the situation. In recent years, the stakes were high for the other person, not me.

(He can see the Red ahead and slows his step. He trusted K more than he trust himself not to fuck things up.)

I also do not trust this city. (He looks up, around them.) The high possibility of personality distortion isn't assuring for any new relationship.

I care because I have the capacity to. [ His sense of humour tends to run desert dry, and this is no exception. But then he continues, more sincerely. ] I like you and want to know you. I feel I can relate to you in a way I can't with anyone else here. There's a feeling of... [ Intimacy, he almost wants to say, but it carries too many connotations that don't really apply to what he's trying to express. He doesn't want to muddy the waters any more than they already are. ] Closeness? Or what could become closeness, if we allow it.

I'd like to be there when you discover what that better side of yourself looks like. [ A beat. ] You don't know how to handle people caring about you. And that's fine. You'll learn. Like I did. It probably won't be easy, but isn't it worth trying? [ It isn't actually a rhetorical question. For Dirk, all of this might very well not be worth the effort. Only he can decide for himself.

Unaccustomed as he is to making such lengthy speeches in person, K needs a moment to collect himself. He absently tends to his suit, smoothing and straightening it, mainly as an excuse to keep his hands busy. It helps clear his mind. ]

We can stick to communicating via Omnis in the future, if you're more comfortable that way. And the city shouldn't be trusted. But I think that's all the more reason why having people you can rely on is important. You know. "It's dangerous to go alone." [ Except instead of receiving a useful sword, Dirk's stuck with a dubiously useful robot.

When they finally reach their destination, K steps forward and holds the door (or... door equivalent) for Dirk, looking back at him expectantly. ]

(It gets a scoff from Dirk, a quietly amused sound.) Ass.

(Said with complete fondness. He can feel something fluttering around in his chest. It's difficult to keep a smile off his face, but he manages.)

I would like to allow it. I feel similarly. (Obviously. There was something pronounced there. He sucks in a slow breath.)

You barely know me and you're already out here believing in me like that, huh? That's a lot of faith in me, handsome. (Now it felt okay to flirt a bit more directly, in a more controlled sense where they were both on the same page and knew what was going on. He realizes he feels less nervous now too, and not just because of K's closeness. But his willingness to listen to Dirk.)

I'm used to being the one calling the shots. Making sure people are taken care of. (Even if it meant fucking some people over. He shakes his head, laughing again, this time more out of disbelief than humor.) Yeah, it's worth trying. People like you always make it worth trying.

(Dirk knew himself enough to know that K was already going to be an established weak spot for him. He wasn't going to put up a fight against that. It would never work. He watches K from the corner of his eye, watching the motion of his hands and he absently thinks about those hands gliding across his own body. Touching his arm again. He shivers and plays it off like it's just the cold, rubbing his hands over his own biceps.)

Mmm. I am more comfortable that way, but I won't learn from it. I want to get better and become comfortable speaking to you in person too. I like being challenged. (K was right. It was dangerous. Dirk had enough swords for both of them.

He smiles at K holding the door for him. He rests a hand over his chest.)

My, oh my. Thank you, darlin'. (His Southern drawl deepens and he passes by K with a grin still on his face. When he passes by K, he rests his hand briefly on K's in silent appreciation and a return of K's earlier gesture. Once inside, he sticks close to K.)

After that emotionally raw convo, you think you're ready to watch me shake my ass or what?

My optimism is in short supply these days. But I do think you're worth believing in. And if I'm real lucky, maybe you'll even let me help you sometimes.

[ Even though he sees it coming, Dirk's hand on his still manages to catch him by surprise — even more than the pet names did — and sure makes him feel some kind of way. And then the contact is over too soon. Maybe he just needs to get used to casual physical contact again himself... and he's going to deliberately not examine it further right now lest he get too distracted.

Craning back his neck, he takes in their surroundings with wide-eyed astonishment. The ornate décor and glittering golden lights, the statues, the pillows, all the people — there's so. Many. People. But, curiously, the anxiety he knows this should be causing him never quite manifests, somehow subdued to a more manageable feeling of... anticipation, he thinks. He finds himself smiling as he soaks in the atmosphere. This isn't so bad at all.

Glancing back to Dirk, he studies him for a long moment before very tentatively reaching for his arm again, allowing ample opportunity for Dirk to pull away if he wants to. And if he doesn't, K will loosely link their arms together, wanting to ensure they won't get separated on their way to the main stage. And if it also happens to prevent people from approaching to chat Dirk up, so what? K's just being pragmatic here. Or so he tells himself. ]

I'm ready to see you steal the show.

(Dirk doesn't respond to that, but there's a softening in the way he holds himself. A slight release of tension. Those words were being carefully committed to memory and stitched into his soul where he would keep them safe. But I do think you're worth believing in.

He thought K was worth believing in too. He wished he could have thought to say that back, but by the time he does, the moment has passed and he has a fleeting press of regret. While K is observing the Red, Dirk is observing K. He has never seen an android like him, but it's more than a scientific fascination. He wondered how his soul would feel if he were to reach with his powers.

Dirk looks away the moment K looks his way, averting his gaze to study their surroundings. He misses K looking at him but can feel him move towards him. His body tenses up again in that anticipation and he allows it to happen. He automatically lifts his hand and gently hugs himself to K's arm. It made him feel like he was melting from the head all the way down.

Much to his humiliation, he realizes belatedly that he was blushing. The realization only worsens it and he prays that the lighting in this place made it difficult to tell. He was so stupid. He had been far more vulgar in the past few weeks than touching a man's arm and yet here he was, practically combusting on site. To his credit, he keeps a completely stoic expression.

He opens his mouth to ask K what - what he got out of this. What he got out of being emotionally supportive to Dirk. Dirk who always had an angle on most of his relationships figured someone had to have an angle on him. But the question dies in his throat, his breath catching. He swallows and opens his mouth back up, this time forming words successfully.)

Let's find you a good place to sit. I want to know where you are.

[ The dramatic mood lighting casts everything in shades that do make certain details harder to discern, but K's also leaning rather close, under the pretense of being able to hear Dirk better over the general din of conversation and music. Whether or not he notices the blush, though, he doesn't comment, just nodding toward some open tables reasonably close to the stage where he'll have a good view of everything. ]

Somewhere over there looks good. [ But instead of immediately pulling Dirk in that direction, another internal debate has him hesitating. It seems a decision is reached as his lips twitch into a smile. ] I like your cologne.

[ And then they can go.

It proves to be a bit difficult navigating the crowd, but their linked arms do keep them together as planned. And while more than a few people cast curious or flirtatious glances in their direction as they pass, none interrupt them, so mission accomplished there as well. K's feeling good about his foresight, among other things. ]

Is there anything you need help with before your performance?

(Wow.

Okay.

This dude was awful. Just as Dirk feels a bit more in control of himself, K drops that one on him and he feels himself turning redder. He vaguely thinks about K explaining to him his old bedroom dynamics with his old boyfriend and he has to immediately stop that train of thought. Thinking of K in that abstract right now would ruin him into a pile of brainless mush.)

Thank you. (He's so glad he can manage that much. Dirk doesn't spare anyone else a second glance. He's hyperfocused on K, their point of contact and the fact that he was now realizing K was wearing cologne too. He hadn't been imagining that.

He needs to get his head in the game. Right now.)

Not that I can think of. (He finally slides his hand away from K, letting his touch linger and drag. Then he's pivoting smoothly, bringing them nearly chest-to-chest but not quite. Enough to feel the absence of contact. He rests a hand on K's shoulder and brings his mouth close to K's ear. It was loud in here, after all, it's completely reasonable to pass personal information along this way.)

Just make sure you look at me and no one else. (He squeezes K's shoulder and moves just a bit closer, brushing his chest against K's. His mouth is close enough to K's ear that when he speaks again, his lips brush it every few vowels.)

And know that I will be thinking of you and no one else. (With that, Dirk backs away quickly, smiling at K, feeling a rush of adrenaline from the interaction.)

See you in a few. (He gives him a two-fingered salute and steps away quickly. For Dirk Strider, that meant literally gone in the blink of an eye. He can't believe he just did that, but it felt good. Better than good.

After that, it doesn't take too long before Dirk is stepping onto the stage. Although he's still wearing his glasses, he turns his head to make it clear when he begins to look for K and when he actually finds him. The first dance is obviously for fun, Dirk's mouth quirking up at the corner as he gets into it. As he ends up on his knees by the end of the sequence, he neatly turns on his knees to put his back to the audience.

The second dance is more intense in some ways, and absolutely more personal between the lyrics and the way he kept his face trained on K whenever he could manage it between swinging motions. Not that anyone in the audience would really know due to his glasses, but Dirk liked to think K would know.

It's a fun time. He probably could have gone a different angle and would other nights, but tonight felt important. It's not a long performance though Dirk had plenty of stamina left where a normal person would be sweating buckets. He breezily leaves the stage, feeling good from the crowd's cheering, but feeling better because he had someone to go back to.)

[ If this is all payback for slipping into Dirk's personal space and complimenting his cologne, K doesn't mind. Between the heady atmosphere of the party washing over him, the tickle of warm breath and the barest brush of Dirk's lips against his skin, and those words... K finds himself almost reflexively closing his eyes, the better to shut out everything else and focus solely on those sensations. But it's already over. By the time he opens his eyes again Dirk's giving him a salute and then he's gone.

Feeling a bit dazed, K finds a seat and settles in to watch as the rest of the audience finally quiets down.

Dirk Strider certainly knows how to put on a show. Even without those whispered instructions, K would not have looked away. As much as those glasses conceal, he could swear he can just feel when Dirk's eyes find him in the crowd. In those moments K feels like the center of his attention and there's nowhere else he'd rather be.

He's impressed not only by the athleticism and skill involved in the performances, but bringing it all together with some truly brilliant choreography — and the lyrics haven't escaped his notice, either. It renews his excitement to introduce Dirk to neoswing dancing, since it's clear now that it's comfortably adjacent to what he already knows.

The audience around him erupts in applause, shrill whistles and catcalls, and K's eyes are still on Dirk, following him even after he's left the stage. K's also applauding as he rises from his seat so he can be found easier, only stopping in order to collect a couple flutes of champagne from a passing server. His expression is somewhere between shy and pleased, and he's smiling as he offers one of the glasses to Dirk once Dirk rejoins him. ]

That was incredible. And I was right.

[ He doesn't have to see the remainder of the acts to know Dirk stole the show tonight; he definitely seemed to be in his element here. Turning his thoughts back to what Dirk had said about always buzzing out of his skin for something, he wonders: ] How are you feeling now? Did that help the restlessness?

(Dirk is positive that he has never had a man watch him like that before. Okay, well, admittedly, some in the crowd outside of K likely were observing him with the same intensity, but it wasn't the same. His entire body felt like it was on vibrate and this was one of those moments where he really didn't feel human. He felt like he was made out of pure energy, electric and humming.

If he were less in control of himself, his powers may have started to snap around him. Instead, there's a dull throb of energy that seems to pulse around him. Easy enough to ignore, but possible to feel with enough attention paid.

He's not one for smiling much, but he can't help to smile when he's passed a champagne flute. There's a similar shyness and pleasure on his own face as he takes a sip.)

Thank you. (He grins wider.) You were right?

(Probing.

Did it help? Dirk hesitates before reaching his hand out and placing it just against K's chest, right over his heart. He lets some of that energy roll through him. A literal purple glow crackles off of his hand and harmlessly against K. Or harmlessly enough. There may be a tug somewhere deep inside of K, a sense of souls brushing together. Nothing more though. Dirk was extremely careful.)

It's somewhat worse now I think. (He admits, reluctantly removing his hand. The purple lightning-like substance snaps around between his fingers and he closes his hand into a fist before dropping it by his side. He takes another drink from the champagne.)

It might help if you dance with me. If you want to. Dancing up there was fun, but the entire time I figured it would have been better if I was just down here dancing with you instead.

Right about you stealing the show. I'll be surprised if you don't get a hoard of new customers after tonight. [ K sips his own champagne, smiling over the glass. ] Probably more interested in you than your goods.

[ His posture subtly stiffens in surprise as the crackling energy passes through him, his free hand hovering uncertainly over Dirk's. But he remains perfectly still, watching the display. Contrary to what he'd expected, it... isn't unpleasant. He isn't sure what it is, or even really what happened. (But maybe warn a guy before penetration next time.) And only afterward realises he's been holding his breath. ]

Dancing with me wouldn't have been as exciting. [ It would've meant fewer eyes on Dirk and a much smaller captive audience, after all. He's teasing, but quickly sobers. ] ...Worse? Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to call it an early night.

[ He isn't so affected by the atmosphere here to enable what seems like a bad choice. He's both witnessed and experienced first hand what can happen when one's control over their powers begins slipping, and Dirk had detailed the fact he specialises in destroying souls... ]

They will wind up disappointed then, I'm afraid.

(There's a shift and Dirk realizes quickly that he did something wrong. Or said something wrong. Probably both. He slides that hand into his pocket. He had told himself before coming out tonight to not be so intense. Hell, he had discussed the issue with K just moments ago.

He winds up feeling quietly disappointed in himself.)

Sorry. I should have asked. (And he should have. His powers weren't exactly a light show for entertainment purposes. He lets his mind drift, not to be rude, but to distance himself emotionally. To spill out some of that energy elsewhere. It goes to the Dream splinter and he navigates himself through the woods just on the edge of Trench. It's a good way to explore the more dangerous parts of this world.

He finishes his champagne in a swift gulp and sets the glass aside. He did want to dance with K - badly. It didn't matter. His posture is casual, reserved.)

It would have been more exciting. (To clarify that point. It's the least he can allow himself. He finally bobs his head, all of this delayed.)

I'm good with control. (Except apparently not. He can't even blame the guy.) But if you'd rather bow out, I understand. (He smirks then. It's self-deprecating more than amused. Not that there was any real way to determine that.)

Told ya I can be intense. (He feels steadier now. Or, at the very least, cooler. He's fine. It's fine.)

Do you want me to walk you back?

[ Even the men willing to have a good time? he thinks but decides against saying aloud, unsure if the teasing is appropriate. Whatever Dirk gets up to is none of his business, anyway, he very carefully reminds himself, regardless of all the flirting.

It's difficult to tell whether this is just Dirk needing time to formulate his response, like before, or if this is something else. There's a vague sense that he's distracted, or not fully present in some way — a phenomenon K's intimately familiar with through TB's quantum capabilities, and being able to be in more than one place at once. ]

It's not me I'm worried about.

[ Particularly when he isn't sure he even has anything that might qualify as a "soul" where Dirk's abilities are concerned. He's a wholly man-made artificial being, after all, not a human or troll. He wasn't born, he won't age. Functionally immortal, but likely to die in service to his human owner whenever this place sees fit to shunt him back to his universe of origin... and easily replaced.

He likewise finishes his champagne and sets the glass aside, watching Dirk now. ]

What was that energy? [ He also wants to ask where Dirk went just now, but catches himself. This isn't the same situation as TB's, and — again — he figures it's probably none of his business. Plus he doesn't want to make Dirk feel unduly self-conscious if this is just him struggling with in-person conversation. ]

Oh. (Dirk has no clue what to do with that sentiment. People didn't worry about him. He worried about them. He was the guardian. He was the brother figure. He guided his friends to where they needed to be. His body was disposable. Much like K, he felt like something that would eventually get discarded once it no longer served its intended purpose.

He didn't really know what that purpose was. Without the game, he felt aimless and antsy every day. It was why he agreed to fight a god so quickly. He doesn't know how to put any of that into words for K. But part of him wants to try. He stares quietly down between them, fussing with his glasses.)

You do not need to worry about me. (For starters. Though...The gesture was...kind, and he almost sounds shy about clarifying that. He's mildly flattered that K cared. Part of him doesn't know how to feel about it at all.)

My soul, I think. (He raises his hand again and forces the energy back out. He lets it move across his hand before curling his fingers into a fist.) Or some manifestation of soul energy, anyway.

(He shrugs. No, it definitely wasn't exactly the same. He wasn't born this way. There was little any of them had really understood about what the game did to them. He chews on the inside of his cheek, watching K. He really did not want to fuck this up and he really did not want to push K away with his bullshit. He thinks of a dozen things to say that might cleanly, neatly explain everything.

In the end, he just steps a little closer and asks in a relatively humbled voice:)

Would you like to dance with me? (A second attempt. He'd lay off if he got another no. He knew better than to be obnoxious, but he wanted to push back towards the part of the night where K smiled.)

I don't need to. [ K agrees easily. ] I want to. [ If Dirk wants to play that particular game. But K probably isn't going to press the issue much further, suspecting it will just lead to having his motives questioned again. And his answer hasn't changed. His eyes are drawn back to the purple energy as it crawls along Dirk's hand. ]

I could feel it... [ The curious pull from within him that he's still processing. The fact that Dirk's soul apparently resonated with... something in him... warrants a much deeper level of reflection than what's possible right now. Because —oh. Hm. Dirk actually was serious about the dancing, then. He's full of surprises tonight.

K seems to stand a little taller, almost as though coming to attention. ]

Yes. What sort of dancing do you have in mind? [ A hint of his smile is returning. He's reluctant to let go of the more serious turn things took between them a moment ago — his need to investigate, to understand is driven both by programming and his personality that has developed from that — but also doesn't want to lose this opportunity, either. He recalls Dirk mentioning he's never ballroom danced before. And there's still the promised neoswing demonstration, which wouldn't be too out of place on the dance floor here. ]

(He wants to. Right.)

You'll have to give me an adjustment period then. (He would have to learn how to not overanalyze every gesture of kindness from K. If anything, he needed to respect K enough to take his wants seriously.)

Did it hurt? (It shouldn't have, but then again, he didn't know K's body the way he did a human or troll's body.

Ah. That's cute. Dirk smirks at K standing up straighter and that smirk becomes a grin when his request to dance is accepted. More so when he sees a hint of K's smile. That's what he really wanted. Some way to make this guy happy.)

Why don't you show me how that ballroom dancing goes? Then when we get comfy, we can expand our horizons. (Because he definitely wanted to do some sort of neoswing or clubbing style of dancing with K too. This dude was like a fantasy come to life and Dirk would be stupid not to take any chance he could to get closer to him.)

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