deercountry | You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

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You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone (semi-closed)

Who: Dirk Striders + Others (closed to threads that had prior discussion. If you are interested in jumping on the bandwagon, please shoot me a PM or message me on Plurk/Discord!)
What: The Snake Den prompt, Shedding prompt + splinters of Dirk
When: Throughout January - Feb
Where: The Red & Other

Content Warnings: Explicit sexual content/jokes/phrases, references to suicide/decapitation, self-worth/depression, themes of identity/dissociation etc.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(Dirk did not get nervous. He didn't do nerves. Nerves were the useless cousins to adrenaline. He was standing by the lamp near the Canals, waiting for K. He was standing in his unique outfit that he was wearing for the evening. But that wasn't where his nerves were. He didn't get uncomfortable about his looks or his clothes. He liked what he was wearing, liked his plan for the evening. What he didn't like was how out of his depth he felt. It was easy to have friends he flirted with. He knew the rules, the game plan, and what he was supposed to do. He knew what was expected of him.

He knew how to be someone's friend. He didn't know what to do here. He knew he was reading into it by a landslide and he didn't want to be a complete idiot. He had to be smart about this. He had to make the right choices. He was talking to Anti-Dirk behind his lenses, focused so thoroughly on the conversation that he wasn't entirely engaged with what was going around him in real life. He had told K that he would know him when he saw him.

He barely knew the guy. He was just fixating. He was still too new to being part of society to know any better. It was fine. He just had to wall off everything and be cool. Just be cool.

Tragically, when K arrives, Dirk feels like he already knows it's him because his luck would mean it's that super hot dude and not the generic bozo walking just a few steps behind him. Maybe he would be wrong though. He tips his head inquisitively.)

K?

[ It turns out having a day in which to prepare himself for the party is needed for more than just tempering his nerves. When K examines himself in the mirror with a critical eye, it dawns on him that his customary scruff is close to achieving full on grief beard status. And not a well-groomed one, either. Following a lackluster attempt at taming it, he decides the whole thing should go and carefully shaves his face, afterward spending a few minutes just feeling his clean shaven skin. It won't last, but it's — nice, he thinks, for a change. And not for the first time he wonders what Dirk will make of him. He's a pretty far cry from the metallic-looking robots Dirk was raised by...

As he's dressing in the extravagant suit from Madam Generosity, he's surprised by the perfect fit. Had it been specifically tailored for him? She must have really gone above and beyond with the gift; he's genuinely touched by it. With time to spare before he needs to leave, he finds himself considering the matter of cologne. Would it be weird? Too much? He's unsure of what the protocol is for such a party, not to mention the ambiguous nature of Dirk's invitation, but eventually he opts for the faintest hint of cologne. And then he's off.

He does, indeed, know Dirk when he sees him. It'd be impossible not to in that outfit. So he's clearly not the only one who received something bespoke, because damn if that magical girl uniform doesn't perfectly fit Dirk in every way. Which is a totally normal thing to notice in this situation, okay. He's mindful to keep his admiring looks within the realm of gentlemanly as he approaches. ]

Dirk. You weren't kidding. [ A shy smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. ] It suits you. Are you ready to go?

(Yup. It's the super-hot dude. He can feel himself crumbling internally into a void of scream-swooning in a matter of seconds. Dirk has had intricate fantasies about cool, smooth-talking, handsome androids just like this coming to save him from his pathetic life. He had written self-insert fanfictions about this exact situation dozens of times. This was a horrible idea. He should have shown this dude mercy and just stuck to online chatting and vague cyberstalking like a normal person. Action meet consequence.)

Hi. (Fuuuuuuuck. K even smelled good. Dirk smelled a bit like citrus himself between the product he used in his hair and his own cologne.

Okay, he can do this. He's spent years perfecting his poker face, and to his credit, his expression hasn't changed once, glasses safely concealing the absolute panic in his eyes. There's also the problem of wanting to explore K's entire body on a scientific level too. He looked so...perfect. Human. He knew that the scientific possibility of this kind of technology had always existed, but it's gut-wrenching to see it in the flesh. God. Even if he wasn't an android, seeing an android look like this made him feel so much less foolish for thinking he was one when he was younger.

He realizes he had completely zoned out while K commented on his outfit and asked a question. Dirk has to mentally back up a few paces.)

Sorry. (After an awkward silence. He reaches a hand out to touch, but stops himself halfway and lowers his hand back down.) Sorry, I'm good.

(Dirk. Be normal.)

Yours suits you as well. You look nice. (Right. Yeah. Okay. He can do this. Seriously, he can do this.) Yeah. We can head out. I figured we could walk unless you wanted to take the lamp?

[ K follows the trajectory of Dirk's hand before looking back up to his face, expression questioning, not understanding what was meant by the gesture. Did Dirk... maybe want to shake hands? It would make sense; they were meeting in person for the first time. That's what people do. They shake hands, it's polite. Why hadn't he thought of it first? By the time he works this out it's entirely too late to take Dirk's already withdrawn hand without it being hideously awkward.

Off to a great start. He inwardly sighs.

At least he isn't the only one who seems to be having trouble navigating these things, judging by that prolonged silence. Plus, Dirk had previously mentioned having to learn social gestures on the fly. They can just be awkward. Together. But he certainly won't blame Dirk if he ends up ditching him at the party... ]

Thank you. So do you. [ The compliment makes him duck his head slightly, his smile returning as his expression softens. His presence carries a subtle warmth, a soothing impression of comfort that will grow in strength the longer Dirk is near him. K remains unaware of the effect — he simply hasn't been around people enough lately to notice. But what he can sense is the return of that compulsion toward honesty that he'd first experienced over the network. Because he tends to be more talkative through text than in person, maybe he won't completely embarrass himself tonight.

He can hope, anyway.

He nods ahead of them. ] Let's walk.

[ Since it's nice out (or he thinks it is; the cold weather doesn't bother him) and walking will give them a chance to get a little better acquainted before the party, where the level of noise might not be conducive to conversation. He'll fall into step with Dirk and walk beside him, easily matching whatever pace he prefers. ]

Though it isn't too late to change your mind about this. I won't be offended. [ He's thinking about that prolonged silence, about how distracted Dirk had seemed. He's hard to read. Especially with the glasses. Maybe he isn't what Dirk expected, and maybe that's disappointing. Maybe Dirk just isn't ready for the party after all. There could be any number of reasons... ] How are you feeling about your performance? Are you excited to have an audience? Potentially a pretty big one.

Thank you.

(Dirk smiles mostly because K smiles. He isn't so sure if he has made someone smile like that before. The longer Dirk is standing there, the less he begins to worry about fucking up around this guy. He slides his hands into his pockets and follows K closely. When K suggests changing his mind, politely, Dirk tips his head in surprise and looks over at him.)

No, I haven't changed my mind. (Dirk preferred to be hard to read. It left things in his control, and he felt in control again. There had been a stumble, but he was gliding now. He hoped he was anyway. There were few people he wanted to impress as badly as he seemed to want to impress K.) Growing up, I always imagined I was someone like you. You're the first I have met. I suppose it made me feel validated over an old identity. I don't know if that makes any sense. I was surprised by the feeling.

(He should feel awkward for admitting as much, but instead, it felt right to admit it to K. Like if anyone could ever understand this situation, it might just be K. His mouth flicks up at the corner and because he's Dirk through and through...)

Also, you're handsome as hell. Can't blame a guy for swooning a bit. (His smile fades away soon enough and he's back to that guarded expression.)

Good. Yeah, I think I am. It sounds egocentric but I like the idea of having that many eyes focused on me. It gives me some serious adrenaline. Are you going to perform anything?

[ He wasn't prepared for going from feeling like they're having a genuine moment of connection to being caught off-guard by the compliment, and the emotional whiplash makes him mentally stumble now. He's flustered, looking down to watch his feet for several moments.

He could point out how most of his features were likely chosen by his owner because humans prefer attractive slaves, and he has before in response to compliments, but... he kind of wants to accept this one for what it is, without deflection. Even if it might just be a line, based on what he saw during his own vague cyberstalking of Dirk's public network posts. (What sort of AI would he be if he didn't lurk on the network?) There's also the matter of the boyfriend Dirk may have acquired. K's never witnessed Sleepers become so aggressive about setting two people up to date before. ]

...Well, I'm glad to be able to provide retroactive validation. You thought you were an android? [ It would make perfect sense with everything he knows about Dirk's origin and upbringing. And he would not wish that kind of identity crisis on anyone. ] I've been mistaken for human before. [ A beat. ] And find it wildly offensive.

[ It's the truth, but there's also a fair hint of amusement in his tone as though he's trying to tease a little. Being told before that he could "pass" for one of the beings who have enslaved and abused him just isn't quite the compliment that some think it is, as though humans are the pinnacle of existence that all synthetic beings should want to be like. But he does understand such comparisons are rarely made with malicious intent, at least here. ]

Just sounds like you're a natural performer and you're going to enjoy yourself tonight. I'd say that's a good thing. You might not even need the moral support. [ K's rather less keen on having an audience himself, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he's sat behind a piano and doesn't have to look at them. He gives a thoughtful hum. ] I didn't prepare a performance, but maybe I could play something. [ He'll have to give it more thought. The general atmosphere of the party will also have to be taken into account. ]

(It would make sense to Dirk why K would be designed to be beautiful. Humans were like that. They were aesthetically driven creatures and preferred symmetry in all they created. Dirk sometimes wondered if he was a product of that exact ideology, but he doubted that John had that much control over how he turned out in the long run.

If Dirk knew anyone thought he had a boyfriend, he would bust a gut. For now, he just nods at the question.)

It made more sense to me than anything else. I have no genetic parents. I seem to feel emotions differently than other humans. Even now I don't think I classify as a traditional human being. (Granted, he didn't actually know that. He still had limited experience in that department, but he felt he had done enough research on the subject to have a reasonable opinion on the matter.

He smirks at the notion of K getting offended.)

Can't say I blame you. Humans have a bad track record. I've already met so many just here who have been fucked raw by their own society. (He shakes his head in mild disappointment. People were given the ability to think and so much of that was just wasted on ignorance. The colder part of Dirk felt that it was a waste of intelligence. He certainly wasn't one of those people who believed humanity was the ultimate goal.

After all, he had chosen to ascend. He abandoned his humanity a long time ago.)

Might not need it, but I'd still like to know that you're in the audience. (He glances at K.) Then I can have someone in mind while I'm performing.

(There's something quietly provocative about that phrasing, but Dirk lets it breathe. He really is a flirt.)

Won't make you do anything, but if you feel like it, I'd be thrilled to listen.

[ While listening to Dirk describing his past beliefs, K absently runs his fingers along the delicate embroidery of his shirt cuffs, looking thoughtful. Some of that hits close to home for reasons he actively resists the compulsion to share. It isn't really the time or place for his deep existential quandaries. ]

For what it's worth, I think who you are is more important than what you are. And you get to define your identity. [ As for the track record of humans... ] How humanity has produced so much good poetry and music despite being what it is, I'll never understand.

[ The banter is nice. The teasing and vague hints of something more. And maybe he should leave it at that, but... He returns the glance, eyebrows raised. ]

And there goes my plan to escape out the back when you're not looking. I wouldn't want to compromise your performance.

...You're like this with everyone, aren't you? [ Even as he says it he's trying to suppress a smile. He knows he's being a bit gullible (okay, maybe more than a bit) and probably shouldn't take any of this too seriously. The attention, the flattery... It's been a while since anyone really made time for him and sought his company for purely social reasons, and that's likely contributing to how off-balance he feels around Dirk, he figures. Technical Boy had always made time for him. Martin and Arid, too. They'll all gone now. He's out of practise with this stuff and Dirk is still learning, himself. That's probably all the flirtation is, he thinks. Learning how to relate to people. ]

I think so too. (For that, he gives K something resembling a genuine smile. It's fleeting and gone in a blink.) Identities tend to be unnecessary social expectations. Male, female, gay, straight...(He shakes his head. He just wanted to be him. Labels, identities...There was no perfect word for Dirk Strider. There never would be.)

It's probably because of all that turmoil. Turmoil tends to create a survival instinct, and for some, that instinct translates into the arts. (Not everyone ran from a fight. Some made poetry about it.

The joke gets a snort out of Dirk, close to a laugh, but not quite. The follow-up sentence makes his expression fall flat again and he takes a moment to respond. He's flirty because it was easy to flirt, fun to flirt. People liked to be flirted with even without the potential of a follow-through. He had a naturally provocative personality. He wasn't about to deny any of that.

But part of him didn't want K to think that K's role right now could be interchangeable with anyone else with a nice face. Yet he didn't want to expose too much of himself either. He didn't want to explain that K was the only person in a long time who managed to make him feel a bit squirmy on the inside.

Was it right to expose K to all of that? K was someone who had been subjected to controlling humans before. Dirk's silence becomes a somber one. Jake had been one thing. A bad enough thing. Could he really subject K to the absolute holy shit grail that was his heart? No. It was reading into everything so much for a guy he barely knew. He was being dramatic and intense. Could he ever do anything the normal way? No, he knew that wasn't an option. Not for him.

Plus this guy's boyfriend had just fucked off. Maybe the guy was still waiting on one last call. Who was he to stroll into this place and try to stake claims on anyone? Shit. He needed to be cool.)

Depends. (He's slow to speak, carefully calculating each word. He's writing and rewriting drafts on the insides of his lenses, having a dozen conversations with Anti-Dirk to try and find some balance. He hated talking in person sometimes. The pauses were unnatural and he knew it, but he needed them to process.)

I flirt because it is fun and most people enjoy being flirted with. It's easy with friends. Most of them know it's my version of teasing. (Not so bad so far.) I'm touch starved in the most literal sense one could be. I want to enjoy being able to touch men finally. Properly. Not just fantasizing.

(A clarity on preferences never hurt. He glances at K at last.)

But no, I can't say I am this way with everyone. My interest in you is unique and complex to how you make me feel and things I wonder about you exclusively. I'd be happy to go with any of my friends, but I wanted to come with you specifically. You're the only person I would have felt disappointed if you had said no.

(Okay. Great. So, that was honest without being too honest? He has no idea.)

[ Regardless of how stretched the pauses become, K doesn't rush to fill the silence. His attention remains on Dirk, curious and a little expectant, but without impatience. He doesn't mind Dirk taking the time he needs to answer... and what an answer it is.

There had been something of an underlying, vague feeling of being interchangeable with any of the others Dirk flirts with, so the clarification helps allay some of it. While raising a whole host of other questions. But those probably warrant more consideration before he attempts to share any of them, because this is a matter that requires some delicacy; they may have barely met, but Dirk is already important to him.

When he speaks, his voice has softened slightly. ] I'm only here because you invited me. [ After a moment he looks back down at the walkway. ] Because I wanted to come with you, specifically, too.

[ Touch men and Pthumerians, you mean? he almost wants to tease, but isn't sure it's quite the right time for introducing levity into the conversation. He doesn't want to give the wrong impression. The honesty is appreciated and answering it with jokes might possibly come across as disrespectful. Instead, he carefully chooses his words. ]

And have you? Been able to enjoy that with men here.

[ K knows what isolation and being touch starved is like, even if his situation had differed somewhat. He'd been surrounded by humans who despised him for being an android, while other androids despised and feared him because humans ordered him to hunt his own kind. An outcast even amongst outcasts. Before Technical Boy, his only experiences with physical contact had been either impersonal — technicians ensuring he's fit for service, treating him like any other useful but disposable tool — or characterised by violence and violation, without his consent ever being a factor. Because in his homeworld, consent doesn't exist for those like him.

If Dirk has been trying to make up for the wealth of experiences he'd been denied growing up, it's more than understandable. K doesn't intend to get in the way of that, already giving thought to what he'll do if Dirk ends up hitting it off with someone else at The Red and possibly leaving with them. He has, perhaps, misinterpreted the touch starved comment, but he means well. ]

(The problem, Dirk has determined, is that he cared about what K thought about him when it came to this stuff. He wanted to appear as both inaccessible and available. Hearing that K came because of him makes him feel that ruffling warmth again.)

Cool. So we're mutually here for each other. (Which definitely sounded like a date, but he doesn't dare say that. The next question feels heavier somehow, and once again, Dirk falls silent. This was one of those situations he had never felt prepared for and he hated feeling incompetent. He tries to shut himself off and take a few steps back emotionally. Just stick to honesty. Bluntness and practicality.)

Sexually, yes. There are interesting guys here who are compatible with my personality. Guys who are down for a good time.

(There's a silent 'but' hanging between them. Dirk shifts a bit closer to K in the walk until his elbow brushes lightly against K's arm. There were a dozen questions and comments he wanted to make, but God, he did not need to fuck this up. He flashsteps around K and stands in front of him, facing him. It's an abrupt move that happens in the blink of an eye, making it evident that he really isn't traditionally human anymore.)

I'm attracted to you. You fascinate me. I want to know you - whatever parts of you I'm allowed to know. (He slides his hands into his pockets, assuming a casual stance for such a personal conversation.)

But I can be obsessive and controlling. I don't want to do that to you. (Similarly, K had become important to him as well. Maybe it was because of kinship or something. He doesn't know, doesn't care about the why. This was oversharing. He was oversharing. He shrugs awkwardly, looking down between them at their feet, shifting around on his heel to start walking again.)

Sorry, man. All I'm saying is I'd sleep with you but because of personal feelings, I'd probably get clingy and weird about it. (Dirk, this is absolutely not how you develop relationships.)

[ The flashstepping brings K up short, and it speaks to the unmitigated weirdness he's experienced over the last several years that he doesn't outwardly appear startled by the move. But it takes conscious effort not to brace himself as though anticipating being hit, which is down to instincts and nothing personal, and he mostly manages it. He just waits for Dirk to continue speaking without interrupting. And then they're walking again like nothing happened.

Having someone express interest in him and essentially reject(?) him in the same breath is definitely a first, and he's beginning to suspect emotional whiplash is a feature and not a bug when it comes to friendship with Dirk. He spends a few moments mentally composing himself. ]

Then I suppose it's good that casual, no-strings arrangements haven't ever appealed to me. I don't wanna be a meaningless conquest. And I haven't really learned how to share because I've never had to. [ I.e. he can get possessive and he knows this about himself. But then, so could TB, so it had worked out well for them.

When it comes to these matters, he prefers quality over quantity; a partner to share his life with over numerous hookups. But he thinks better of saying it, not wanting Dirk to mistake it for some kind of moral judgment of his own proclivities. It isn't. K's just self-aware enough to recognise his need for an emotional connection and some level of mutual commitment in a relationship, among other things. ]

Obsessive and controlling, clingy and weird... the way you say it, it doesn't sound like you'd be very happy either. So you can know me, and I'd like to know you better, too, and it doesn't have to get weird? [ He tilts his head in a shrugging motion, looking over at Dirk now. ] You've missed out on a lot. You should enjoy yourself and experience everything you've wanted to, do whatever does make you happy. [ Or whoever makes him happy, as the case may be. ]

(It wouldn't be an off-base instinct. Dirk was a violent person and he would fault no one for flinching because of him. His aggression went well beyond the physical and into the emotional. The emotional whiplash was real with this one. Dirk liked a sense of control over his relationships and interactions which meant cutting in and out of conversations rather than letting them flow.)

Yeah. I wouldn't want you to be a meaningless conquest either. Not for me or another. (After some of the things that K had told him about androids and how they were treated...Yeah, Dirk could put the pieces together. He does smile mildly.) Not gonna lie. The idea of you being possessive of me is extremely appealing.

(Jake had never...Dirk had always wanted to feel possessed by someone, to have someone who wanted him as badly as he wanted them. He was blunt with his actual courting and some days he wondered if anyone would ever be that direct with him. Unlikely. He allows himself a small window for fantasy about K taking charge and has to immediately cut that thought off. It gives him a wild rush, like dropping off the edge of a building, and he takes a small breath.

God, this was one of the worst ideas ever. Resisting would just make it worse. But resist he must. Maybe it was just base attraction anyway, right? Like they were saying, he had few experiences. Maybe he was just projecting hard. Psychologically, it made sense.)

I would want to be a good person for you to date. But I'm not a good person for anyone to date. I would build up these expectations and ideas in my head and then get furious when they aren't met and cyberstalk you to try and see how I'm getting fucked over. I don't know. (He was pretty good at selling himself short, he thinks. The more he spoke, the more it sounded like he was trying to justify this to himself more than to K.)

Yes. It doesn't have to get weird. (Right. They can be mature about this. People were friends with people they were into all the time. He didn't need to be such a fuckboy about it. He pushes his hands into his pockets deeper and lets himself breathe. It was good he admitted this. Made it easier and less like he was hiding something.)

Thank you, K. (For being supportive. For not thinking he's a total freak to begin with.) I'm still not sure what actually makes me happy these days. Sex is easy but it's gone as soon as it comes. I'm always buzzing out of my skin for something.

(He was oversharing. He nips that in the bud and assumes a more relaxed position.)

To reference your point earlier - yes, I do this with everyone. But I do this in a very specific way with you. I can stop if you're uncomfortable or rather I just lay off altogether. Does this situation make you uncomfortable?

Closed to K

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Closed to Savage

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cw: talk of drowning, slavery mentions

Re: cw: talk of drowning, slavery mentions

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