deercountry | february & march open log

Entry tags:

february & march open log

Who: Sasuke Uchiha and whomever wants to deal with this asshole
What: Open log for February and March, involving Sasuke going from low to mid level corruption levels. Event top-levels will be put in later.
When: Throughout Feb & March, individual prompts will have date ranges
Where: Throughout Trench

Content Warnings: Sasuke's usual content warnings, with particular emphasis on his PTSD and depressive tendencies. Bleeding eyes will occur in mid-level corruption stages (it won't be very gory, more like crying blood) and hallucinations/memory shares are an option with his powers going out of whack. Individual threads will be marked with anything super specific.

NOTE: Anyone who ends up experiencing Sasuke's memories will see them completely from Sasuke's point of view. They'll experience everything he saw and felt, both physically and emotionally, as though they were going through it themselves, and they can't get out of it until his genjutsu is released.

This is the same for Sasuke if he experiences their memories instead; so if you choose to reply to option C-III, please just give me a description or a video of the memories so that I know what he experienced. Thanks!

[ A. NO TO EARLY LOW CORRUPTION ]

( I. NONE - THE BOARDWALK (FEBRUARY ONLY) )

[ Even though Sasuke has a house now, he still finds himself frequenting going down towards the boardwalk and the shoreline, particularly early on in the month when the newcomers often arrive. There's a part of him that keeps hoping to see a familiar head of blond spikes with a loud mouth to go with it, but he's never thought his luck to be that high. He's not expecting it to be any higher this month and so far, nothing is proving him wrong.

He's gotten a few buns the times he's been down here, but because he's saved them for later and reheated them, he's not aware anything happens at first. Someone who manages to catch him as he eats a fresh taro bun would be lucky enough to meet a Sasuke who is a little more prone to understanding how the other is feeling. The moment he's finished chewing, he finds himself drawn to whoever is closest that may seem to be in need of comfort. While he doesn't reach out to touch them, he does offer the extra bun that he has in his hand. Food always helps, right?

But the red bean bun is the one that he wishes he hadn't eaten the most. He can handle feeling the emotions of others and doing what he can to help, that fits in to his need for redemption, but hearing others thoughts? That's enough to drive him a little nuts. Sasuke cringes as he hears a particularly loud or annoying thought, rubbing at his temples a second later, and blurting out: ] Can't you think a little quieter? Or at least farther away?

( II. EARLY LOW - THE GATE - CW: FIGHTING, MILD SELF-HARM BEHAVIORS )

[ Some of the people who have met Sasuke over the course of January met one that was far warmer and friendlier, but even those who know he's anything but might be surprised by the swift change in his personality. He'd at least tried to continue to be a gentle person in the first week of the month, but as time goes on, his mood is souring quickly.

And there's a need to fight, to train, to take out his anger on something, even if he's been opposed to fighting the monsters in the Gate for some time. He feels for a sense of chakra, a humanness about each monster he goes up against, and he often refuses to deal a killing blow before walking away, but it still doesn't feel ... right.

So now he's waiting before the fight, glancing at the people who come and go, watching some of them fight as well, or maybe just sizing them up. Eventually, if you catch his interest, he even approaches. ]

Sparring is better training than fighting a chained up beast. Up for a real fight?

[ Or maybe instead, you catch him as he's coming out of one fight too many, clearly exhausted, his chakra supplies low and his fist bleeding from too much use. He looks like he could drop on his feet, and if someone tries to stop him from going back in, he's quick to pull back or even physically shove them away. ]

Find someone else to fret over. I don't need it.

[ B. LOW TO EARLY MID CORRUPTION ]

( I. LOW - FARTHER SHORES )

[ In his foul mood, the cold has been getting to him even more. He's come down to the Farther Shores mostly to keep away from the people he knows here, but also because the warmth of the sand is a welcome change. He'll dig through it, sometimes finding small trinkets that look familiar — usually it's just a kunai here and there, or something with the symbol of the leaf village carved into it. At one point, he finds an object with the Uchiha crest on it and it makes him stop and stare for far too long. Anyone who could read emotions would easily be able to tell that his were riding fairly high in that moment.

If he notices someone staring, he's quick to shove it into his bag without a word. If they approach, especially if it's someone he recognizes, he lets out a sigh. ]

Don't you have something better to do?

( II. EARLY MID - THE ROCKS )

[ When Sasuke feels that underlying anger ready to burst from the seems, he's quick to retreat even further. He needs to be somewhere no one will find him, he thinks, and he's noticed that the Rocks are often void of human interaction. He can see why, now that he's getting a closer look, but it's better to be here than it is to be out there where he can hurt people. And he's pretty sure he's going to really hurt them if he's not careful.

Even in his anger, if he sees someone else out on the rocks, someone who slips on their footing or can't quite get themselves up a ledge and looks like they're in danger, he's quick to dart out, grabbing their arm to try and steady them. ]

You shouldn't be out here. It's dangerous.

[ Or maybe it's someone who manages to find his cave that he's hidden himself in in the side of the rock wall. It's freezing, but there's some respite from the wind at least in here. He should be welcoming, let whoever it is get a break from the cold, but whether he recognizes their face or not, all he sounds is angry and tired from the intrusion. ]

Get out. This space is occupied.

[ C. MID-HIGH CORRUPTION ]

( I. SASUKE'S MEMORIES: THE UCHIHA CLAN - CW: ARMY INJURY, BLEEDING EYES, PARENT DEATH, VIOLENT MASSACRE, PTSD, EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, MENTAL TORTURE )

[ Sasuke's only eight in the memory that takes shape. It's easy to feel disoriented when you first come to in a body not your own, but this particular memory gives little time for adjustment. In front of Sasuke are three people; two dead and bleeding, and one standing over them with a bloodied sword in his hand. There's confusion, anger, and most of all, pain coursing through Sasuke as he takes in the sight.

And it's then that it's clear who they are. His mother and father are dead in front of him. Sasuke can't comprehend it. He shakes his head, not wanting to believe it. ]

I don't... I don't understand... What have you done, brother?

Foolish little brother... [ He closes his eyes and Sasuke feels a dread fill him at what's to come. When Itachi's eyes reopen, Sasuke sees it: the Mangeyoku Sharingan. The kekkei genkai that one could only get from killing their closest friend. Before he knows what's happening, Sasuke is caught an a strong illusion:

The sky turns red, the moon full. Sasuke is caught in the streets of the home of the Uchiha. He sees his brother running through them, slaughtering his family as he goes. He uses his sword, kunai, shuriken, anything he can. There's blood everywhere, spraying on the ground, on the walls, on Sasuke himself. He sees his aunt and uncle who greeted him every day to give him a treat when he got home from school and watches as Itachi slices them in half. He sees his mother and father kneeling in front of Itachi, before he raises his sword and slices into them seemingly without a care.

All the while, Sasuke can feel himself screaming. He's begging him to stop, begging him to tell him why this is happening, but it feels like an out of body experience. His mind feels like it's breaking into a million pieces as he's forced to watch the entire massacre of his family unfold. When the illusion ends, Sasuke is clutching his head as he falls to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

The memory jumps and he's still on the floor, but suddenly there's that rage filling him. A hatred he's never experienced in his life. He pulls himself to his feet and charges at Itachi, screaming with the intent to truly hurt him. Kill him, maybe. But he's only a child, not even truly started at the Ninja Academy, and Itachi has been a jonin since he was 10. He feels his fist connect with his ribs and the wind knocks out of him as his bones creak in protest. He should fight, still try for revenge, but his limbs are shaking as he cries out and races from the room. ]

I'm scared... I'm scared, please... I don't want to die!

[ The memory jumps again and Itachi is standing in front of him on the streets, the bodies of their other family members still around them. Sasuke has tears streaming down his face, but the anger is replaced with denial now. He's begging him to tell him it's not true, that it's too unlike him, but Itachi looks at him with cold eyes. ]

You have the potential to become my opponent. You are someone who could be able to use Mangekyo Sharingan just like me. However, on one condition... You must kill your closest friend. Just like I did...

[ Itachi turns from him, the memory acting like a scratched disk as it distorts and the audio feels out of place. But it calms itself a second later as Itachi states: ] At present, you are not worth killing. One day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come stand before me!

[ The Mangekyo Sharingan reactives and Sasuke is once again stuck in the memory of the massacre. Only this time, there is no end in sight. The person experiencing his memories is fortunate and only has to see the loop twice before Sasuke's body gives out, and while he was forced to endure it much longer, the memory goes black.

...

Sasuke manages to end it, pulling the poor soul who was forced to watch his family's death out of the genjutsu. His hand is gripping their shoulder roughly, like he's trying to use them to balance himself as well as keep them up if they feel week. Sasuke's eyes are crying blood, but it's runnier, mixing with tears as he tries to collect himself. He takes a breath, looking away, making sure not to make eye contact so he doesn't accidentally stick them in another loop. ]

( II. SASUKE'S MEMORIES: I'M ITCHING TO KILL YOU - CW: MENTAL BREAKDOWN, VIOLENCE, THREATS TOWARDS LOVED ONES, TALK OF MASS MURDER [video link for ease] )

[ Sakura is standing in front of him. They're maybe sixteen, but life has clearly taken its toll. Sasuke's face is covered in blood and Sakura looks desperate as she shouts to him. ]

I'm coming with you! I'm deserting Konoha!

[ Sasuke is filled with doubt and he stares at her for a moment. He points to a girl unconscious beside him, a former teammate that he once cared for a great deal, and he knows Sakura is aware. Karin. A friend. ]

Kill her to prove to me that you're serious.

[ Sakura approaches, kunai in a shaking hand. It's obvious she's hesitating and Sasuke can sense what she's really here for. She's not abandoning anyone. She intends to kill him. When she continues to hesitate, choosing to neither strike at him or Karin, he finally activates the Chidori, going to swing his fist towards her chest. Her eyes are wide and afraid and there's something that twists unpleasantly inside of him, but he doesn't stop.

And then another man kicks him away, making him skid back. The Chidori deactivates and he swings his fits and then kicks at Kakashi, before the two are both pushed back from one another and forced into a fighting stance as they wait. He stares at Kakashi as he gives him the hero speech he'd been expecting. ]

How far you've fallen. Sasuke, I don't like to repeat myself. But I'll say this once more. I've seen so many guys like you, I've lost count. Those who follow the path of revenge and end up nowhere. Do not become possessed by vengeance!

[ The familiar words echo in his head. They sound absurd now, with Danzo lying dead only a few feet away, the knowledge in his mind that Itachi is dead and gone and it was by his own hand. The guilt and fury he feels at being tricked into killing his own brother by the lies that Konoha fed him. Hearing Kakashi once again tell him to not go down that path, as though he had any choice in the matter, any decision he could make in his own life after he's been played with...

The insanity of it overwhelmed him and suddenly the laughter starts. It's sharp and cruel, a laugh of someone whose mind has truly broken. He clutches his stomach and throws back his head as it reaches its peak, before suddenly he stops. His face is cold again and he stares at his old teacher with nothing but hate.

The memory skips and Sasuke and Kakashi stand separate from the others. He grins at him cruely. ]

Stop acting like you're still my sensei. I'm itching to kill you.

[ The memory jumps around as the battle ensues, Sasuke charging at and fighting his sensei, trying to get to Sakura to kill her, the intent in his actions clear. Only he's weak from his fight with Danzo. His eyes are no longer functioning as they should and he misses consistently as his vision blurs. As he swings his blade at Sakura, a blond haired boy appears, lifting her out of the way. ]

Naruto...

[ There's a surge of something inside of Sasuke. Something that's a mix of relief, fury at being stopped, and a strange twisting of hatred and love for his best friend always appearing when he least wants to see him.

But before the battle can continue, the world spins, and the memory ends as Sasuke grips the shoulder of whoever got stuck in it roughly. The world comes back into focus— the real world. Trench. Sasuke's standing in front of them, his eye back to normal and his hair covering his rinnegan once again, even with the blood on his face showing that he has been losing control of his powers again. He looks away when he's sure that they've returned to themselves and goes to stand to the side. ]

... You should go before it happens again.

( III. YOUR CHARACTER'S MEMORIES - CW: BLEEDING EYES )

[ Sasuke's powers don't just project his own memories onto others without intention. Sometimes when he makes eye contact with another individual, particularly if they're experiencing a high level of emotion, he may unintentionally pull up the important memories of another person. It doesn't last long; sometimes he sees flashes, sometimes he sees the entire memory in vivid detail, but he still feels and hears and sees everything that the other experienced in that moment.

Regardless of whether it's happy or sad or violent, Sasuke still collapses onto his knees after, clutching his head as he tries to get back to himself. There's sweat covering his body, his chakra is lower which makes it hard to stand, and blood has begun to leak at the corner of his eyes.

After a second, he looks up, swallowing roughly, trying to avoid catching the other person's eyes again. He knows those moments can be just as vulnerable and intense for the other, and unlike him, they may not be used to it. ]

Are you okay?

( IV. HALLUCINATIONS - CW: PARALYSIS, BLEEDING EYES )

[ Sometimes it isn't memories that Sasuke's genjutsu ends up pulling up. Instead, he may pull out someone's worst fears and nightmares, recreating them around them in vivid hallucinations. Whether it's being haunted by ghosts of their pasts, tortured by monsters, or even being dangled by strings that pierce their skin and use them as a human puppet— no matter how abstract, their fears and nightmares will have come to life around them.

Their physical body will be frozen in place, but they will be completely unaware of this fact. It may only take a few minutes or it may take hours before they (or Sasuke) is able to break them free of the hallucinations, but they will feel drained after, physically and emotionally, and may even collapse.

Sasuke will have not left their side, having tried to get control of his powers so he could help them and free them from the curse he put them under. There are traces of blood trails on his cheeks from where he had tried to clean himself up before the other person regained their awareness. He knows bleeding from the eyes is a little freaky looking.

When they do come to, he's already going to try and help them up, careful not to move them too quickly. ]

We should get you some food or tea. You need to replenish your energy.

[ This is... sort of his way of apologizing. Or trying to. He won't be offended or surprised if he gets shoved away. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sakura, on the other hand had been raised in a family where affection had been readily available and she'd seen her father dote on her mother, and in kind been doted on herself. She had often found her parents a bit embarrassing but she loved them and had come to really appreciate what she had. And that upbringing was one of the reasons that she offered Sasuke such affection, if he wanted it. She was glad that recently he seemed to be allowing her to dote on him, even if she tried to match his reservations so as not to push him away.

She was afraid of breaking the spell between them too, wanting to let whatever it was that was happening between them build. She'd started to really hope that he might care for her in a way that wasn't platonic. Part of her was afraid to say something because she liked the tension that lingered between them, wanted to bask in it and let it grow to a breaking point. And part of her held back because she was afraid it was all in her head and didn't want to deal with the crushing disappointment being rejected again would cause.

The tension is there though and tangible. It's a moment she might question or mull over later when doubt attached itself to her thoughts, but right there it felt so very real and she leaned into the moment; and into him as she reached for a piece of cloth. Taking the cloth she wiped away the blood that trickled down his cheek.

"Yeah," she offered softly, happy to let him take the conversation wherever he wanted or felt comfortable. "I felt like I might be able to do something, help. I hate feeling so..." She stopped herself from saying 'useless' and shrugged her shoulders. "...So, helpless. I'd rather do something, anything to ease the suffering I see her. Medically I'm not sure I'm needed, so I found another area where I might be able to create something useful."

He startles only slightly when she goes to wipe away the blood, partly because he'd gotten so used to the stains that he hadn't even thought to wipe it away himself. He's glad for the dimness of the room and the mess that the Darkblood has made of his cheeks so that it hides the slight pink tinge that wants to creep its way across the bridge of his nose and through his cheeks. He's always blushed too easily around her, a trait he'd never quite gotten used to.

There's a soft snort that escapes him at her explanation; not one of cruelty by any means and if anything it has some kind of adoration mixed within it. "You've always had such a soft heart," he says simply, as if wanting to help people was a trait he couldn't possibly understand. Never mind how much time he'd spent trying to protect the people he'd met in this city thus far. Clearly that didn't count.

She can sense the softness behind his snort and it's her turn to blush as she continues to dab at the blood that's come down from his eye. She wants to tell him that she thinks he has a soft heart too, that she knows so much of what he's done has been because his heart had been driving him. After all, she knew by now that love was a driving force behind his clan. She knows he'd deny it, but she's made it her personal mission to help him realize he's so much more than anger and revenge and the guilt brought on by the way he used both.

"Maybe, but I think I prefer to think of my rock as rock solid and unbreakable. I love fiercely, not softly." Her thumb smoothed down his cheek and she has to stop herself from trailing it over his lips. "I think you know a thing or two about loving fiercely." She swallows before daring to continue. "Other people might write your actions off as simply revenge or criminal behavior, but I always saw more than that. I saw how broken you were. I saw how desperate you were." She knows the corruption he's facing right now is bringing it all back up.

She drops the cloth, but replaces her hand to his cheek. "Whatever you're battling in your head right now, whatever happens here, I want you to know, I'm still fighting for you."

How desperate. Sasuke shifts slightly on the bed, not used to having someone who can read him as easily as Sakura can. Vulnerability has never been something he handled well, but under the influences of corruption, he feels somehow even more raw than he would have. It makes his heart pound in his chest and his stomach twist; though it's hard to tell whether it's from the conversation or the way that her hand so gently brushes over his cheek. The emotions are heavy and confusing and he looks away from her, hand raising to his eyes for a moment as he feels them ache.

"Why?" It comes out heavy and his voice rougher than he intends for it to be, but it's a question he's had for so long. "Why do you fight for me? After all I've said to you, all I've done... Even before I left the village, I was a far cry from the friend I should have been, and things only went worse from there."

He's had to relive some of those awful memories so many times in the past month that the guilt feels more amplified than ever. It's made his redemption mission feel that much more fruitless. How could he fix the damage he'd done to other villages when he couldn't figure out how to fix the damage he'd done to those who loved him most?

"I don't deserve your loyalty."

She brings her hand back to her lap, sensing the overwhelm. Added to that is the fact that she's still nervous to be open and honest with him because she doesn't want to push him away. All the times he's walked away from her and she's had to watch him go weighs on her own mind. Despite having pulled her hand back, she doesn't want to stop the conversation, or even apologize for starting it. Instead, she shifts her position and brings her legs underneath her and leans on her knees towards him.

"That's the thing about loyalty Sasuke, it's not something that's meant to be broken. No. I won't say that I condoned your actions, but my loyalty to you was to not quit trying to do what was right by you, whatever that meant." Even if it had once meant that she had considered stopping him herself.

She doesn't want him to hide his face, but she's sure it's partly for protection. "Look, you were a friend, and you were a good one. For all the time you were gone, I held on so tightly to every moment that you were there for me. The times you kept me safe. The times you were hurting and you let me be the one to hold you up." If she'd been planning on holding back, she fails at that point, reaching out for his hand and gripping it the way he'd once gripped hers in the forest during the exams, trying to give him permission to lean into her like he had back then.

"Whatever is trying to take hold of you right now, maybe it's like it was back then, with you were marked. But I'm still holding your hand, and I won't let go. Please don't turn your back on me again. Please let me in."

Sasuke's fingers intertwine with hers when she holds onto his hand. The ache seems to get worse when he does and he instinctively squeezes her palm, clenching his jaw as he tries to fight off the familiar feeling of the corruption trying to overtake his Sharingan. He can't help but laugh a little through the pain when he hears her mention the mark, not in humor but with an almost broken sound to it.

He bends his head slightly to undo the tie of his cloak with his teeth, letting it fell off his shoulders so that she can see his skin more clearly. He's gone back to wearing his more open shirts as the weather has gotten warmer and it makes the fresh scarring of his skin more clear to her: burn marks that mimic that very curse she'd mentioned him struggling with before.

"I made my anger more important than you. I meant it when I said I felt like we were becoming a family back then, and somehow the need to destroy was more important than that love. It's not just your loyalty that I don't deserve."

Sakura had thought she had been watching him closely, but even though they'd been practically living in the same quarters, she hadn't noticed the burn pattern on his skin. Still holding tightly to his hand she reaches out with her other to very carefully brush at the scar tissue.

"Sasuke..." She lets out a sigh, wishing there was something she could to to make him see and understand that all that had transpired didn't matter to her. She's grateful, at least, that he's talking to her and being open by showing her scars that it seems this place has once again branded him with. She moves her hand away after she's explored the pattern with a light touch that's full of tenderness, but shows a hint of her professional side as if she's evaluating it.

Finally she moves her hand back to his cheek when he opens up about his anger. "I think your life has been full of things you didn't deserve. All that happened to your family. The village shunning the sole survivor of a massacre, who happened to be a child. Orichimaru's curse mark. The mind games the Akatsuki played with you." She leans into him a little, staring into his eyes and refusing to be afraid of what might happen. "My love and loyalty, is not on the list of things you don't deserve. In fact, I think it's a small thing to offer for all you've lost."

Sasuke had gone to great lengths to make sure that Sakura didn't see his skin burning when it had begun. First in dress, then in keeping his distance, and finally by going to hide off in the caves when it had spread beyond the edge of his shirt. He hadn't wanted to worry her, he told himself, but really he had been too afraid of what might have happened the worse the corruption got, the more the curse mark spread.

His hand that's gripping hers tightens slightly at her comfort. A voice in the back of his head tells him that she's lying to him, that no one can love anyone so deeply, that he has no right to be loved so deeply. It's an inner critic that he hears constantly but has just gotten louder in this city. One who tells him the village was right, the Uchihas are just weapons, that he's only capable of hurting and killing everything in his path. Naruto has worked so hard to make him see otherwise, or at least make him crave otherwise, but nothing can ever silence that voice that tells him how wrong he is. That he'll always be one second short of snapping and destroying his life all over again.

Or worse, that he'll let himself love, and he'll lose it. Could he even survive that again?

He wants to tell her all that again, but when their eyes meet this time, he feels himself lose that battle with his ocular powers, and he clenches his jaw to stifle a cry that escapes him when he feels the genjutsu pull him into one of her memories. It seems jumbled and unsettled at first, like he can't quite latch on to any specific one: her begging him to stay, her looking at him when she saw him for the first time again... It becomes more clear when he sees a glimpse of her telling Naruto that he doesn't have to worry about his promise to bring Sasuke home, that it's Naruto she really loves, and while he can feel the dishonesty radiating from it all, the words still make something in his heart shatter.

And then they're standing in front of each other and she's telling him she'll come with him and he can feel that there's a part of her that wishes she meant it. She knows why she's here, knows what she needs to do, but still... Sasuke has seen this memory over and over from his own perspective now, but seeing it from her own eyes is an overwhelming experience he could never have prepared for. The love she felt, the pain, the fear when he goes to thrust the Chidori at her only to be saved by Kakashi the last second.

When the memory ends, his hand grips hers like a vice, his eyes shut tight as sweat pours down his back. There's blood trickling from his eyes again, but it's watered down as he can't stop himself from crying along with it.

Edited 2022-03-29 03:38 (UTC)

There were so many reasons that Sakura kept her feelings about everything that had happened to herself. It wasn't that she was trying to hide how she felt from him, but she knew that he knew that he'd hurt her and she didn't want to drag him through the pain of it all. She didn't want to rub his nose in something when he was trying to heal from it all.

Eventually it was bound to come to the surface, especially with how this place seemed to drag up the worst of their feelings and memories. She doesn't want him to see or feel the pain that she'd carried in those memories. Being thrust into this dream world of memories makes her feel raw and vulnerable. She even feels a little embarrassed, though she knows she has nothing to be embarrassed about.

The hardest memory to relive is watching as he tries to kill her again, not even once but twice. The realization that Sasuke would have killed her has never been an easy memory for her. She had been lucky that Kakashi and Naruto had been there. Later that night she'd sobbed from broken heart and the realization that there was probably no way to help the man she loved. She hates having him see that memory because she doesn't want him to know how absolutely lost she was to her grief that night.

And just as soon as they had been thrust into the memories, they are back, only it's now all out in the open. She feels a bit disoriented and overwhelmed. At first the shock of it makes it difficult to even reach out, but as always she pushes that to the side to offer him her strength.

She throws her arms around him, not caring about the blood and pulls him against her. "It's over. It's in the past and it's over." She's not even fully aware of the fact that she's crying too. "I'm alive. It's okay." As much as she's trying to reassure him, she's trying to reassure herself as well.

He doesn't pull away from her clinging to him, instead leaning into it, burying his face against her shoulder to take in her warmth and her words. She is alive. He didn't succeed. Hurting her had always been the last thing he wanted, but his drive for revenge had driven him so crazy he'd done nothing but. He'd known it before, but now he felt it, truly understood the heartbreak and torture he'd put her through, and it was worse than any emotional torment this city could have concocted on its own.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, wishing that those words would be enough. "I'm so sorry." His hand lifts to her back, fingers knotting in the fabric of her shirt. He closed his eyes tightly as though it would help anything now, or maybe to try and shut out everything that was racing through his mind.

"It isn't over. It won't ever be over. I'm not any different and I'll still always hurt the people I love."

Her feelings were the last thing that she wanted to burden him with. Sakura had always tried to hold back on any of her pain, though she knew that she wasn't entirely capable of keeping it buried because she wore her feelings for him on her sleeve. She always had.

She shook her head at his words. "No, no, no. It is over." After a moment, she pulls back, both hands reaching for his face in order to get him to look at her again.

"Look at me, take us back there. There are so many other memories I want you to see. Like how I felt when you apologized on the cliff when I healed you. Or the way I was sure you meant something when you told me I could travel with you next time. Or how you sent your hawk to me rather than Naruto. There are so many memories that are precious to me, far more than the painful ones."

She wipes the blood that's falling down his cheek away with her thumb, her breath catching in her throat as she catches her own sob. "And we have the future. We'll make new memories. Good ones, happy ones. I promised you before that I'd fill your life with happiness if you let me."

Even as she tilts his head back up, it takes him a moment to actually force himself to open his eyes and meet her gaze again. It's not until she's talking of their happier moments together, of the joy and love he's given her that he finally manages to look her in the eye. He can still feel the blood and tears on his cheeks, but they're easy to ignore as he lets the idea of him giving her precious moments at all sink in, staring at her with a look that's somewhere between desperation and shock.

"The happier the memories, the more it hurts when you lose someone," he says with more upfront honesty than he's probably ever truly offered her. He knew she could take care of herself, that she was strong enough to fight off near anyone, but there were always risks in being in love with an Uchiha. Risks that he hadn't ever been sure he could burden someone else with after everything.

But there's still comfort in knowing that he could maker her happy, that he could make her feel joy instead of just pain and rejection. He untangles his hand from the back of her shirt, pulling it around to the front so he can cup her face as well. He figured out how he'd felt for her on his journey, but where he seemed to get stuck was figuring out how to put so much on her by returning her feelings, no matter how many times she told him she would be his rock when he needed it.

"I don't remember how to feel happy."

Her heart broke at those words. The happier the memories, the more it hurts to lose someone. She's seen it over and over again in the children she's worked with, the fear of further loss that holds them back from getting close to new people. She can only imagine how amplified that is for him with the loss of his entire clan, and every subsequent loss thereafter. There are no promises that she can make him about not losing her or someone else he loves.

"I can't deny that possibility, it's not like we lead a safe life as Shinobi. But how many times have we come across others who have denied themselves the chance at being honest and open with others because of the risk? The lives they lead are empty and they die with regrets, either besides the ones they love or leaving those they loved behind hurting anyway. Shinobi must be prepared to die at any moment, which means we should live every moment of our lives all the more honestly to make the moments we have matter."

Her words catch in her throat as she tries to explain her perspective of things, to offer some kind of comfort amidst his fears. It makes such perfect sense to her why he wants to be alone, but she can't accept that's how he should live his life.

She feels prepared to counter his arguments until he brings up that he doesn't remember how to be happy. The words feel like ice has been slipped down her back and her heart hurts. Had they not been finding some happiness and contentment with each other in this place? Could she truly not make him remember happiness? A familiar doubt rises in her and her mind once again reminds her that no matter how much she loves him, the reality is that she could love him forever and he might never return her feelings. The tension between them feels real, but at his words, she suddenly feels like a teenager again begging him to love her back.

She swallows roughly trying not to cry, but she can't stop the tears that fall down her face. It's her turn to bow her head to hide them. "...Do I really not make you happy?"

There's a logic there that he should be able to follow; the idea that he has to live each day as his last and that it's important to not live with regrets. It was hard to let the fear go after all that had happened in his life, though. The idea that losing someone else might send him back into a spiral of hate and revenge felt like too heavy a risk. What if he loved and lost and ended up not being able to be pulled back again? What if he ended up causing another war because of his own anger?

But those anxious thoughts are cut short when he hears her question. It makes him look up, staring at her in confusion, mixing with concern when he sees the tears. He brushes his thumb over her cheek, like he has to feel it to confirm they're really there, and the reality of it makes his stomach turn.

He hurt her again. He didn't mean to, but it always seems to happen.

"I... I didn't mean it like that..." He says it with frustration at himself, an irritation that he couldn't figure out what he'd meant in the first place. Was it that she couldn't make him happy or was it that he just wasn't able to tell when he was feeling happy? He closes his eyes tightly, forehead wrinkling with exasperation, and he lets his hand drop from her face so that he can pinch the brim of his nose.

"I don't know what I meant. Just forget it."

Why were they always at odds with each other when it came to things like this. Sometimes it felt like they just kept missing each other. She hadn't wanted to show him that it had hurt, but there she was wearing her emotions on her sleeve again. It didn't help that the memories she'd just experienced with him were some of her most difficult times and even if she told him how much it didn't matter, it had mattered.

Despite that, she didn't want him to withdraw from her just because she was feeling emotional over the whole thing. Her head snaps up again and she reaches out for him. "I don't want to forget it. I want to figure this out. I want you to stop turning away from me. The problem is I don't know what you want."

She reached out to knot her fingers into his shirt, staring up at him desperately as she tried to reason with what he'd meant by that. She wasn't free from her frustrations with him. There was a lot she was frustrated by, but she didn't want him to pull away from her. After everything that they had been through together, it was only natural that she had some hesitancy and doubt around his feelings.

"Just tell me if I make you happy. I'll accept whatever you say."

"I don't know." It comes out snappy and tired, a defense mechanism whenever he got into moments that were too emotionally overwhelming. He always wanted to push away, to shut things down, but he knows he's supposed to be doing better. It's hard with the corruption that is still coursing through him, trying to tell him to go back to his old habits, and the back and forth pull it causes inside of him makes him give a huff of anger through clenched teeth, going to try and yank away from her again.

The word annoying is on the tip of his tongue and it's only the fresh reliving of their memories that makes him bite it back, that refuses to let the corruption win out with that. He can remember the look on her face every time he's said it, the pain that it causes, and he doesn't want to hurt her like that anymore. Which means he has to push through, he has to say what's in his heart as well as his head.

"You make the noise in my head quieter and the pain less intense. You... You remind me of what it's like to feel loved. You make places feel like home, no matter where we are." He closes his eyes, running his hand through his hair with a sigh. "Is that happiness?"

Her heart sinks again when he snaps at her and she wonders if she should back off, but she refuses to be cowardly with him. She intends to stand her ground thinking maybe it's time she pushed him a little bit. She wouldn't have been surprised to hear him call her annoying though, it did seem to be a habit with him though when she did try to push him.

Thankfully what he does finally come out with surprises her, but gives her the hope she needs to really keep the conversation going. This time she can feel her pulse starting to race for an entirely different reason, because yes, that is something akin to happiness. It's also a confirmation that she's having the exact reaction on him that she's wanted to have. It's always been her goal to quiet his mind and make the pain less intense. She's wanted to make him feel loved. On top of that he considers her home, it's enough to soothe the painful ache that the memories and his initial response evoked in her.

Reaching out for him again, she takes his hand and leans in a bit closer. "I think so. You make me feel all those things and more and it makes me happy. You make me so happy. When I'm with you, I feel calm, and I feel protected. When I wake up in the morning and you're close by, I know I'll have a good day. And when you are near, I feel like I'm at peace, like I'm home. Things feel better with you around."

She takes a deep breath, going to run her fingers through his hair instead. "I'm sorry I took your words wrong, I just...I want so much to remind you what being happy is."

Sasuke tries to focus on the feeling of her hands in his hair, on the comfort of the words she says. The way she talks about him is the way he thinks about her consistently, a fact that's hard to ignore when he knows how deeply she's always loved him. The idea that his own love could be quite so intense is terrifying and threatens to amplify all those fears of losing her, of losing everything.

But the way she touches him makes it harder for those doubts to stick in his mind. It feels him with a calm, a warmth that he's still unaccustomed to, and he leans further into her touch because of it. He lets his forehead rest against her shoulder, breathing in her scent; something light and floral, the same way she used to smell when they were teenagers, like she still uses the same soaps, even here. It brings him more to his senses than anything has managed to in weeks.

There was a pull inside him to stay close. Perhaps it was that thing Vira-Lorr had mentioned when he first arrived: that connecting with another would make corruption ease. His arm moves to wrap around her, pulling himself closer in a tight hug, face still buried at the crook of her neck. "You make me think maybe I'll get better at feeling it again," he muttered without lifting his head.

She holds him close, wrapping her arms more tightly around him in response to the way he holds her. She's wanted so long to embrace him like this. Even though they'd grown closer in Deerington, physically they hadn't gotten any closer than the small brushes or sitting side by side. They had brief moments where she thought maybe the tension might snap, but it hadn't. He'd continued to keep her at a distance.

Salura had wanted for so long to hold him and be held by him and she won't waste the opportunity, all but clinging to him. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was having a hard time thinking about anything other than how close they were and how it felt to finally be holding him.

"That's all I want," she whispered, leaning her cheek against his head. "All I've ever wanted when it comes to you. I've just wanted some small part of your heart to help make you happy." She could remember begging him to stop when he'd been dead set on killing Naruto and how she'd asked him that if she'd ever had some small place in his heart to stop. She had known for awhile that she'd had some place, but she wanted to remind him that was enough.

"Please, Sasuke, let me help you find happiness. Whatever that might mean for us, let me help you find it."

He takes in her warmth, trying to hold on to it as long as he can. The anger and cold are slowly being pushed away the more he lets himself sink into the feeling, the more he lets himself linger in those emotions. Maybe it's because of her Paleblood that she's able to soothe him, but he can tell just from the way she clings to him that it must be more than that. This isn't some power granted to her by Trench, it's something that's unique to the way she's always made him feel. The very thing that pushed away his curse mark when it took him over in the Chuunin Exams and made him think that maybe he didn't have to pursue revenge for even a fleeting second.

He can feel the ache in his eyes slowly fading and he would almost fool himself into thinking that perhaps his Sharingan had finally disappeared. Sasuke lets out a low sigh of relief against her skin and the way he can still feel his own breath tickling his lips reminds him of just how close they are. There's an immediate feeling like he ought to pull back and he starts to lift his head quickly, only to stop himself from pulling fully away as he sees her face again.

"What do you want it to mean for us?"

She's pretty sure the Chuunin exams were the last time that she'd clung to him and it was under entirely different circumstances. However, just like that time she can feel him relax under her embrace and that soothes her own tension. It also gives her a little bit more courage to test this closeness they are experiencing together.

She looks into his eyes, searching for the right words about express how she feels without putting any pressure on him to return them. How was she supposed to tell him that what she wanted it to mean for them was that he chose her to be the person to stay by his side. She wanted him to love her back, not just as a friend but intimately. She wanted it to mean that they loved each other and that all the years of affection that she'd wanted to share with him would finally be desired.

Staring into his eyes what she wanted more than anything was to kiss him, but she wasn't quite so brazen or forward. She knew Sasuke was more reserved anyway and doubted that if he did feel passionately towards her that he'd act on it so forwardly.

Her eyes glanced to the side and her cheeks burned with color as she tried to figure out a proper answer. "I don't have any expectations, but I guess what I want is to have you notice me...acknowledge me, really. I want you to accept my affections, so that I can love you more openly."

He'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't feel the ache to kiss her, even if he fights his own desire to act on it. He doesn't quite understand the desire that courses through him, having never experienced it first hand quite so significantly, but he knows enough to get what it is he wants in that moment. He almost leans in, his lips parting just slightly, but he forces himself to look away from her before he can bring himself to close the gap between them.

"If what you've done so far is loving me in a closed manner, I'm almost afraid to see what you'd do with free range," he teases, something almost like a smile twitching at the corner of his lips for a moment. He goes to rest his forehead against her shoulder again, closing his eyes and letting out a slow breath to try and calm the emotions that are still stirred up inside of him.

"I notice you," he said after a moment of silence. The teasing was gone from his voice, replaced by a much more serious air in his words. "I've noticed you for a long time."

For a moment she'd thought maybe she was wrong about him not acting on the moment, thinking that he might actually kiss her. He turns away though, leaving her disappointed. She can still feel the tension between them and wonders if she should just suck it up and be the one to close to the gap. It wasn't like she hadn't practically thrown herself at him for years.

Which to her embarrassment he actually calls attention to.

Sakura's cheeks burn and she swallows roughly, but then she just laughs softly, deciding instead to join in the teasing at her expense. "Really? I thought I'd hid it so well."

Teasing falls to the side when he tells her that he's noticed her, and not just that but that he's noticed her for a long time. She's not sure how long that means, but she wants to find out and she wants to lean into the intimacy of the moment, whether it ends with her being kissed or not.

She brings her hand up to his shirt, playing with the edge of it absentmindedly. "Tell me what you notice. Please, tell me what you feel. I might have been obvious but you drive me crazy not knowing what it is you're thinking and feeling. What it is you want in regards to me. Do you want my friendship? Or...?" She lets the question hang in the air for him to answer as she continues to teasingly play with the collar of his shirt.

Sasuke keeps his eyes closed as he listens to her questions, his jaw clenching just slightly as he realizes he needs to give her answers that not even he has begun to really process, even in his emotional awakenings. He swallows roughly, finally opening his eyes, keeping his gaze downward, choosing to stare at the hand that plays with his shirt. How could such a small gesture tug at him so strongly?

"You became so much stronger without me," he said quietly, his forehead creasing slightly. "Emotionally. Physically. I noticed the first time we had to fight against one another. And during the war. I told you you'd go far if you stopped wasting your time on things like useless crushes." The last part was an attempt at some sort of joke, but he knows it may have fallen flat and cringes at his own idiocy.

"I want... you." It's simple but the only thing he can think of to say. "I was coming home. To you. For you. I don't want to be away from you anymore."

She barely even registers that she's doing it. It's just a subconscious way for her to be close to him. Well that, and a response to how badly she wants him. That's how it's been for her lately though, wanting to touch him in some benign way every time she can. Despite that the tension between them hasn't developed into anything yet, she's loved every time their hands have brushed, or their legs, or anything else.

She smiles with his compliment, her blush darkening as he brings up her crush as useless. While she's pretty sure he's teasing her, she knows he's also found her crush pretty useless in the past. She shakes her head to shake off the fresh doubt. "Well, I can honestly say that crush is one of the reasons I was driven to be stronger. At least, in part," she offers in defense.

The doubt that had started to bubble up again lifted as soon as he admits to wanting her and telling her that he returned to the village because he'd been away from her long enough. She meets his eyes again as that all settles on her. "You were coming back to the village to see me?" Her voice is quiet and her eyes hopeful. "To be honest, I think there were times I thought you might never return. Naruto kept telling me you would, but you were gone for so long."

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