I'll try not to snap them at inopportune moments. [A huff, and a good-humored roll of his eyes. He'll be distracted from playing with his glasses, anyway.]
It could be worse; one day I'll tell you about the time Camilla and I got to be present for an historical unsealing of an old study— of a one Dr. Sex.
[Great story. He'll endure all of Gideon's 'sex pal's, for the sake of friendship, but he's not going to point it out if Viktor doesn't go there himself. Ahem. He wraps his arm around him tighter, holding his water safely out of the way for the duration. Will his arm get tired? Undoubtedly. But on the other hand, Viktor...
Dilemma. Hardly.]
It has to be a pun. I'm willing to believe someone would call themselves a 'Jeanist' professionally if they were in on the joke; not otherwise.
[ok, viktor isn't so much of a responsible adult that his brow doesn't quirk at 'dr. sex.' that poor man, assuming this wasn't a choice or his work wasn't involved in something sexual. he's assuming no, given what he's heard of the sixth. where's the respect for thot corp, viktor.]
You are really going to make me wait for that? Cruel. I will offer my condolences to this Dr. Sex and reaffirm that last names are just bureaucratic agenda given form. If he had worked at the academy it would have been unbearable with the new students.
[and the older ones, if he's honest. dr sex, honestly.
because he is a good boyfriend viktor reaches to tap the glass, offers,] Finish this, please, and we can lie down again. [fussing, but offering incentives. a flawless system, truly.]
I'll have to ask Todoroki. He has abilities of cold and heat manipulation, if I am understanding him right. Thankfully he does not seem inclined to make ice or fire puns about it. [thank god.]
[Ah, and Palamedes raises both eyebrows right back, like, yes indeed! This was a person's actual name! And he had to hear his own mother say it over and over and act mature about it!!]
I'll save it for mushroom night. His name is the funniest part, but you'll appreciate the rest. [Does he want to save it for date night to make Viktor laugh? Maybe so. Now, oh, somebody wants him to chug this water, huh. Palamedes frowns at the water left in the glass, as if perhaps that will inspire it to drink itself.
No, alright, he will drink it like an adult. Staying hydrated is objectively less interesting than Viktor, but okay. Give him a moment to sip heartily, then,]
It does sound compelling, and I am always curious about your Sixth adventures. [apparently ones with historic reveals and a single amusing name. the reminder of the mushroom night makes his lips quirk, further when pal looks put out by the glass.
he gets a peck on his jaw for that. good job, you're doing great pal.]
No, I'll have to ask and hope it isn't a pun. He doesn't seem the sort but perhaps they have a... a department for that.
Oh yes, quite. Tell me one about your old-fashioned dean, to make it even.
[Funny names and historic reveals not required, but please, tell him some academy stories on Date Night.
A department for puns...]
I think it makes it a little less funny if they have a department for that, don't you? Although the idea of some low-ranking employee sitting at his desk writing down 'Jeanist?' is— immaculate. Also, bonkers.
[j e a n i s t he's never getting over it.]
Well, anyway, I know what my comic book name would be. [Hint: it's the same title as always. He looks significantly at Viktor, like, play with him in the space? C'mon, hex-objects guy. Do not say Hexman.]
You'd be surprised the sort of stories I can tell of him. He's quite chaotic when wasn't being insufferably archaic.
[so good date night story line up. the fact they're making an unintentional schedule for this date is odd and warms him.]
Honestly I think it makes it absurdly perfect. Someone with funding to make sure 'Jeanist' comes to life, comic heroes waiting with baited breath for their assignment, some praying for mercy.
[sorry todoroki. he really does need to find out if he suffers from such a name.]
Let me guess, something involving being Warden? [wild guess there. he takes the look with a huff and leans his head back as he considers a name for himself. certainly will never have a dramatic super villain name, nothing like that.] Eh... I suppose I could be Hex. [is he being serious? he's not but he looks at pal with pointed innocence, like well?]
[Ah. It's even worse than Hexman. Palamedes holds up a finger, like, no, hold on - he will Handle This, but right after he finishes the rest of this water. Indeed, he leans back to empty the glass, which he ducks down to clunk onto the floor, and then pops back up to tilt into Viktor's space as he shakes his head. First of all, Hex is silly, second, if he simply sticks himself to Viktor's side and tips, they can lay down again.
But also come on!!]
No. Absolutely not; Viktor, I adore you, but I need you thinking about any other word in your vocabulary.
[It's funny, but he's trying very hard not to let that show on his face, lest he encourage the Hexening. In fact the Hexjoke fills him with such profound despair that he flops pathetically onto the bed alone, reaching up to tug at Viktor's shoulder. Look, look what you have done to this necromancer. He's a shambles (but also hydrated).]
'Hex' isn't even a pun. [A beat.] And Warden is, if I do enough wards, I think. Viktor.
[viktor watches this with approval- good, now he can relax a little about that. one small matter handled, and the fact they're shooting back and forth bad puns and super hero names when before was the first time he's seen pal cry... yes, things are going well.
he tilts his head, then offers with a perfectly straight face:] Tech. Techman.
[ok though his expression starts to cave to amusement though, happily following pal down onto the bed and leaning over him for a moment to properly take in his much more palatable despair.]
Oh, it has to be a pun now? So many rules, I think I'll stick to behind the scenes work, thank you. Dating the super hero Master Warden is far more appealing than having to subject myself to the indignity of pun names.
[but fine, he likes pal's hydrated face so he sighs.] Help me think of engineering puns and we'll talk. I can say horrible lines about how I'm going to put a wrench in someone's plans.
[Techman. Good god. Palamedes snorts and rolls his eyes, lifting his arms to loop around Viktor's shoulders while he hovers just above him like this. He raises an eyebrow, arched with perfect criticism.]
Techman. I think that's just a regular job a person can have, actually. And— we're thieves, so I'm not sure how heroic we're allowed to call ourselves. There must be a line which shall not be crossed, et cetera; do you think it's petty theft?
[Are we the baddies, etc. Not that Palamedes has ever wavered from the Good end of that particular spectrum, ah, in his life, but let him dream about even more daring and dangerous heists. Fun.
He runs his fingers through Viktor's hair, and he thinks the last of the mirror tension has gone out of him at long last; his gaze isn't so haunted, his touch isn't as desperate. He is... better, and he will not credit puns for that end, but they can have a footnoted acknowledgement.]
You're the engineer; I could make all kinds of fleshy or bone-centric puns for you until you're sick of me, but machines? I don't know. [hm... screw? nail? they're all dirty; engineers are wild.] Metallurgy? You could metal-urge someone to drop their weapons.
That is true, we may be the super villains here, depending on how much morality cares about the theft of a chalkboard and several hundred pens. [all a joke because again, no one here is one day going to probably be making actual heists of piltover labs and having robot goons and what not. just a fun hypothetical don't worry about it.
what will make him go into a proper villain arc is hearing that metallurgy pun, head thumping down against pal's shoulder as he makes sure his sigh can be felt through both their bodies before he lifts his head again.]
Language might have been a mistake. [he leans down for a kiss, which may be partially to stop any more puns but actually is because pal's got his fingers in his hair and looks less grim and he simply can't help himself.] I'll hammer that point home.
[stop.] Though these aren't matters to screw around with, it's serious work. [it's not stopping, though he closes his eyes like he's been defeated.] What have I become... Let us stick to bad bone puns.
i'm officially apologizing for writing a pun that my father has printed on a tshirt
Several hundred is a gross exaggeration. Unless we're speaking in the long term, in which case: maybe. [But hmm, all very funny, and Viktor's most world-weary sigh ever makes Palamedes grin over his shoulder with smug satisfaction. He's still grinning when Viktor looks at him properly again, and grins into the kiss, and good god, more puns? This is only going to encourage him.]
You're a poet, [he says, again very serious, and pulls up for another kiss, the reward for playing in the bit with him.] Bone puns aren't necessarily bad.
[Is he going to. Should he. He purses his lips and glances away at nothing in particular, which should be the first red flag, but oh: he is going to do it.]
One day I am going to request you line up all the pens you have hoarded from the Trench alone and then we will see about that. [foolishly he is mostly joking, it will probably be way more pens than he's assuming and he'll find that endearing because he's a criminal apparently.
there's a moment viktor just stares at him, waiting it out, thinking that maybe pal will see reason and not say whatever is happening in his head there. maybe he'll just allow them mercy, even if the reward kiss was compelling.
when pal glances away viktor's brow raises, at least somewhat prepared when the blow is made. oh the sigh he gives. it has no fondness in it, don't listen too close.]
I think I am going to keep your mouth occupied for the rest of the evening so I am not subjected to anymore of this suffering. [he can only handle so many puns, he is weak. and to make good on that promise (threat?) he leans in to kiss pal soundly and languidly, as though maybe he can chase any future puns straight out of his mouth, thank you.]
We'll need to do that outside, then, [he says, probably joking, although it depends on how long it takes Viktor to make this specific request. He might just have way more pens in a month or so, ahem.
In any case, that sigh guarantees Viktor has to hear about a dozen more stupid bone puns in the near future. Palamedes hopes very much that he will enjoy hearing about the necromancer-cavalier catchphrase, or: 'one flesh, one end'. It's versatile.]
Well, [Well, and he definitely attempts to get one more pun out there, but he's not going to not kiss Viktor, especially when it's as intent a kiss as this. On absolutely no level is this punishment, but they don't have to point that out; Palamedes threads his fingers through Viktor's hair again and tugs him all the way down so they can be flush against each other, humming into the kiss with definitely-not-satisfaction. He's defeated, earnestly; this is the sound he makes when he's sad he can't make more jokes.
So be it; he doesn't know what time it is, but 'the rest of the evening' is generously open to interpretation, and he intends to keep Viktor true to his word.]
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It could be worse; one day I'll tell you about the time Camilla and I got to be present for an historical unsealing of an old study— of a one Dr. Sex.
[Great story. He'll endure all of Gideon's 'sex pal's, for the sake of friendship, but he's not going to point it out if Viktor doesn't go there himself. Ahem. He wraps his arm around him tighter, holding his water safely out of the way for the duration. Will his arm get tired? Undoubtedly. But on the other hand, Viktor...
Dilemma. Hardly.]
It has to be a pun. I'm willing to believe someone would call themselves a 'Jeanist' professionally if they were in on the joke; not otherwise.
no subject
You are really going to make me wait for that? Cruel. I will offer my condolences to this Dr. Sex and reaffirm that last names are just bureaucratic agenda given form. If he had worked at the academy it would have been unbearable with the new students.
[and the older ones, if he's honest. dr sex, honestly.
because he is a good boyfriend viktor reaches to tap the glass, offers,] Finish this, please, and we can lie down again. [fussing, but offering incentives. a flawless system, truly.]
I'll have to ask Todoroki. He has abilities of cold and heat manipulation, if I am understanding him right. Thankfully he does not seem inclined to make ice or fire puns about it. [thank god.]
no subject
I'll save it for mushroom night. His name is the funniest part, but you'll appreciate the rest. [Does he want to save it for date night to make Viktor laugh? Maybe so. Now, oh, somebody wants him to chug this water, huh. Palamedes frowns at the water left in the glass, as if perhaps that will inspire it to drink itself.
No, alright, he will drink it like an adult. Staying hydrated is objectively less interesting than Viktor, but okay. Give him a moment to sip heartily, then,]
Did he tell you his comic book name?
no subject
he gets a peck on his jaw for that. good job, you're doing great pal.]
No, I'll have to ask and hope it isn't a pun. He doesn't seem the sort but perhaps they have a... a department for that.
no subject
[Funny names and historic reveals not required, but please, tell him some academy stories on Date Night.
A department for puns...]
I think it makes it a little less funny if they have a department for that, don't you? Although the idea of some low-ranking employee sitting at his desk writing down 'Jeanist?' is— immaculate. Also, bonkers.
[j e a n i s t he's never getting over it.]
Well, anyway, I know what my comic book name would be. [Hint: it's the same title as always. He looks significantly at Viktor, like, play with him in the space? C'mon, hex-objects guy. Do not say Hexman.]
no subject
[so good date night story line up. the fact they're making an unintentional schedule for this date is odd and warms him.]
Honestly I think it makes it absurdly perfect. Someone with funding to make sure 'Jeanist' comes to life, comic heroes waiting with baited breath for their assignment, some praying for mercy.
[sorry todoroki. he really does need to find out if he suffers from such a name.]
Let me guess, something involving being Warden? [wild guess there. he takes the look with a huff and leans his head back as he considers a name for himself. certainly will never have a dramatic super villain name, nothing like that.] Eh... I suppose I could be Hex. [is he being serious? he's not but he looks at pal with pointed innocence, like well?]
no subject
But also come on!!]
No. Absolutely not; Viktor, I adore you, but I need you thinking about any other word in your vocabulary.
[It's funny, but he's trying very hard not to let that show on his face, lest he encourage the Hexening. In fact the Hexjoke fills him with such profound despair that he flops pathetically onto the bed alone, reaching up to tug at Viktor's shoulder. Look, look what you have done to this necromancer. He's a shambles (but also hydrated).]
'Hex' isn't even a pun. [A beat.] And Warden is, if I do enough wards, I think. Viktor.
[the bit, viktor!!!]
no subject
he tilts his head, then offers with a perfectly straight face:] Tech. Techman.
[ok though his expression starts to cave to amusement though, happily following pal down onto the bed and leaning over him for a moment to properly take in his much more palatable despair.]
Oh, it has to be a pun now? So many rules, I think I'll stick to behind the scenes work, thank you. Dating the super hero Master Warden is far more appealing than having to subject myself to the indignity of pun names.
[but fine, he likes pal's hydrated face so he sighs.] Help me think of engineering puns and we'll talk. I can say horrible lines about how I'm going to put a wrench in someone's plans.
no subject
Techman. I think that's just a regular job a person can have, actually. And— we're thieves, so I'm not sure how heroic we're allowed to call ourselves. There must be a line which shall not be crossed, et cetera; do you think it's petty theft?
[Are we the baddies, etc. Not that Palamedes has ever wavered from the Good end of that particular spectrum, ah, in his life, but let him dream about even more daring and dangerous heists. Fun.
He runs his fingers through Viktor's hair, and he thinks the last of the mirror tension has gone out of him at long last; his gaze isn't so haunted, his touch isn't as desperate. He is... better, and he will not credit puns for that end, but they can have a footnoted acknowledgement.]
You're the engineer; I could make all kinds of fleshy or bone-centric puns for you until you're sick of me, but machines? I don't know. [hm... screw? nail? they're all dirty; engineers are wild.] Metallurgy? You could metal-urge someone to drop their weapons.
[no. don't do this.]
no subject
what will make him go into a proper villain arc is hearing that metallurgy pun, head thumping down against pal's shoulder as he makes sure his sigh can be felt through both their bodies before he lifts his head again.]
Language might have been a mistake. [he leans down for a kiss, which may be partially to stop any more puns but actually is because pal's got his fingers in his hair and looks less grim and he simply can't help himself.] I'll hammer that point home.
[stop.] Though these aren't matters to screw around with, it's serious work. [it's not stopping, though he closes his eyes like he's been defeated.] What have I become... Let us stick to bad bone puns.
i'm officially apologizing for writing a pun that my father has printed on a tshirt
You're a poet, [he says, again very serious, and pulls up for another kiss, the reward for playing in the bit with him.] Bone puns aren't necessarily bad.
[Is he going to. Should he. He purses his lips and glances away at nothing in particular, which should be the first red flag, but oh: he is going to do it.]
You might even say they're quite humerus.
there is no god here
there's a moment viktor just stares at him, waiting it out, thinking that maybe pal will see reason and not say whatever is happening in his head there. maybe he'll just allow them mercy, even if the reward kiss was compelling.
when pal glances away viktor's brow raises, at least somewhat prepared when the blow is made. oh the sigh he gives. it has no fondness in it, don't listen too close.]
I think I am going to keep your mouth occupied for the rest of the evening so I am not subjected to anymore of this suffering. [he can only handle so many puns, he is weak. and to make good on that promise (threat?) he leans in to kiss pal soundly and languidly, as though maybe he can chase any future puns straight out of his mouth, thank you.]
puns wrapped this thread in the lord's name
In any case, that sigh guarantees Viktor has to hear about a dozen more stupid bone puns in the near future. Palamedes hopes very much that he will enjoy hearing about the necromancer-cavalier catchphrase, or: 'one flesh, one end'. It's versatile.]
Well, [Well, and he definitely attempts to get one more pun out there, but he's not going to not kiss Viktor, especially when it's as intent a kiss as this. On absolutely no level is this punishment, but they don't have to point that out; Palamedes threads his fingers through Viktor's hair again and tugs him all the way down so they can be flush against each other, humming into the kiss with definitely-not-satisfaction. He's defeated, earnestly; this is the sound he makes when he's sad he can't make more jokes.
So be it; he doesn't know what time it is, but 'the rest of the evening' is generously open to interpretation, and he intends to keep Viktor true to his word.]