Jessica Ushiromiya (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
snakesdonthavelegs) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deercountry2022-04-05 08:39 pm
snakesdonthavelegs) wrote in deercountry2022-04-05 08:39 pm
Entry tags:
Forever's Gonna Start Tonight
Who: Jessica and you!
What: Monthly Catchall.
When: Throughout April.
Where: All over!
Content Warnings: Will be added to headers as needed
What: Monthly Catchall.
When: Throughout April.
Where: All over!
Content Warnings: Will be added to headers as needed
Midnight Pretenders | Early April | Locked to Sayo
Speaking of which, a familiar face is drawn into her impromptu pilgrimage. In the lightened atmosphere it is easier to admit to herself that a part of her is glad to see Sayo Yasuda, even if this alone is still not enough to forgive her. Bitterness and grief is softened to mere awkwardness, and she finds that, despite everything, an echo of old feelings begin to return to her.
By the time they've made it to the woods, Jessica is telling her about all sorts of things. About her karate lessons, about the classes she enrolled in in Gaze, about playing music at the Raccoon Room. Nothing heavy. Just simple, everyday details of her life, and she casually asks Sayo for the same. Nothing will erase what happened, but isn't it wonderful? Just being like this together?
A little further and she takes Sayo's hand in her own if she'll let her. It's so warm. It's so warm. Jessica is so painfully aware of how much she still loves her, with all her carnage and lies. In the past weeks, that love had become torturous, wrapped thorny and gnarled around her heart. But now she feels only a gentle kind of wistfulness and yearning for what they could have had.
When they're nearly out of those deep woods, the embers of her passion have ignited once more into a flame that consumes every part of her. Sayo is so beautiful, every shape and face of them, feminine or boyish, composed or flustered, in every mood, trimming the roses, reading quietly, dressed casually on those days away from the mansion. Walking through the foggy woods. ]
Sayo, um—
[ Jessica couldn't say for sure why she does what happens next. Maybe she's dimly aware that this moment will not last. Maybe she naively hopes that she can make this more real. Either way, she turns to them, beholding them with lovestruck reverence. She has to do it. It has to be now. She cups her cheek, brushes a lock of hair with her thumb, and brings her face in close. ]
Can I...? Please, I still— I love you...
no subject
Despite how ill-advised the notion was, Sayo left the dojo for a moonlit walk on a whim (if their mood had been any less buoyant, she would've had a few grim thoughts about inherited habits), drifting through the rare night of pure beauty in Trench. Memories of a night just like this one almost a month ago tugged at her mind, whispered in her ear, but... that life, those lies, they all felt distant with the promise of hope that the moon gave her.
Until it wasn't.
For a moment, Sayo stared at Jessica, stunned. Why did Trench always bring them together like this, no matter how much even their memories hurt one another? And yet, like the confession itself, that all seemed so far away. The shock fades, leaving only a melancholy quietude as she wordlessly joins Jessica.
But the silence that Sayo was content to submerge herself in even in the hopeful atmosphere is filled by Jessica's voice. That's what she loves about her, one of so many things that she loves about her that she couldn't express them all with a dozen message bottles. Jessica was never content to let Sayo hide away in her shell no matter what form that calcified layer took, always drawing her out into the sunlight. And this time, Sayo doesn't resist. The gentle moon soothes the burns usually brought by Jessica's radiance, teasing smiles and small laughs from her without the usual agony that came from opening herself to Jessica's unbearable brightness. Sayo gossips about Johnny, shares tips with Jessica about which professors to avoid, idly wishes that she had the courage to go to her performances.
It was a thoroughly ordinary conversation, an echo of the life they could've had. For once, Sayo doesn't berate herself for being a coward in denying herself that chance, instead letting joy find her hand and wrap it in Jessica's soothing touch without a moment of hesitation. For once, her love isn't muddled by doubt or indecision or yearning. For once, it's pure, clear, and true, and Jessica can see it reflected in her eyes as she squeezes her hand back, savoring Jessica's soft skin and gentle heat.
Sayo never stopped loving Jessica; no matter how much her own bitterness tainted the purity of the flame, the innocent longing always remained pure, keeping her heart lit for half of her life now even while it burnt its chambers. Or her brain and lungs and every other organ, like it felt like now. Each moment with Jessica, every time they slept next to one another on secret sleepovers, every time Kanon lurked behind the doorway listening to her mumbling the chords as she strummed her guitar, every time she and Shannon snuck out for an exhilaratingly free day on the town, every smile of every kind in a million different moments seared into Sayo's mind rushes to the forefront with that look Jessica drills into her, those selfsame memories flooding out of her own expression and directly into Jessica's heart with all their swollen overbearing impossible agonizing love that burnt and chilled and comforted and-]
I love you too, Jessica, [she murmurs, melting into her as she draws Sayo closer. The fact that part of her was screaming that this was a bad idea was proof that whatever magic had brought them together for this, whatever spell another witch's butterflies wove, would be fading soon. But even while guilt started to gnaw at the back of her mind...
She wanted to forge a Fragment that she could hold close forever, even when Jessica vanished into the night once more.
Sayo shivers when Jessica sweeps a stray strand of her hair away, sharply aware of every vector that their bodies touched each other through, the feverish heat of Jessica's heart as her chest touched Sayo's own. Leaning forward and gently bumping her forehead against Jessica's as she wraps her arms around her shoulders, Sayo says,]
It's- I-
This... this is all I ever wanted.
cw: incest, well meaning ignorance of gender identity
This wasn't planned, there are a million reasons that this is the wrong thing to do, she'll hate herself for it later, but... why can't this be okay, just for this one moment? Jessica still doesn't understand her feelings well enough to confirm or deny that she'd always had feelings for Sayo, but this... makes sense. It really does feel like the most natural extension of how she'd always felt toward her, how she always wanted to get close to her in a way that her aloof, emotionally guarded friend never seemed to allow, no matter who she presented herself as.
So to hell with her rage and guilt, with how her beloved tore apart her heart and her world, with the fact that they a share the blood of an evil man, with the idea that girl shouldn't kiss another... well, it's a complicated case for Sayo, as far as she can tell, but it doesn't matter either way. None of these things can alter the reality of her love, and right now she must pay it fealty.
She presses Sayo's back against a tree and meets her lips in a long, yearning, and frankly terrible kiss. Jessica's not really sure what she should be doing, but she does it with great passion. Story of her life. It's quite a while before she pulls herself away, wide eyed and panting like she just ran a marathon. ]
Oh— um...
[ She takes one step back, then another, feeling the world spinning around her like a carousel. What a strange, foolish thing that love is. She tenses up, looking behind her, panicked as the voices of optimistic euphoria quiet themselves, hearing the miserable dirge that rising to replace it. ]
...Sorry.
[ And she bolts out of the woods. ]
no subject
Her first kiss, with George, had been picture-perfectly romantic. A tender, chaste touch, his face barely brushing against hers as the gentle ocean breeze of Okinawa swept through her hair and the vivid blue tide lapped against her shoes. That was a kiss fit for a romance novel, a still from a movie to hang up on her bedroom wall. And yet... there was no heat to it. It was warm, yes, loving, probably, but Sayo had felt as if she was watching a romance in a dingy theater littered with popcorn and gum, a place unworthy for a moment so sublime, a reality so far removed from the fiction all she could feel were the faint echoes of the emotions she should've been feeling.
Her second kiss, with Faith, was a blur. Puppy-like excitement, a husky voice whispering into her ear, submerged in a warm buzz ignited by the rough embrace, dizziness... fragments of images, experiences, sensations, coursing across her body like her nervous system had switched on for the first time in her life.
And then nothing after. Her mistakes looking her in the eyes. An awkward parting. Nothing left but hollow bitterness, directed at no one at herself for ruining everything with the aftershocks of her sins.
But Jessica didn't feel like a third kiss. She was messy, and awkward, and heartfelt, and passionate and wow Sayo sure is glad that she learned to hold her breath for "kick training" since otherwise she definitely would've needed to push Jessica away to come up for air by now. It felt like what her first kiss should've been, what she'd wanted her first kiss to be: wild and blazing hot, but still tender enough that she could throw herself into the fire without fear of being burned.
And if Jessica was inexperienced... if nothing else, her last two kisses had given Sayo enough of an idea to make up for it. She wraps her arms tight around Jessica, pulling her closer until they can feel each other's frantic heartbeats, teasing open her lips with her tongue, that shiver turning into a full-body quake of pleasure and love.
Love, love, love, filling her up, the cup running overfull, she wanted to show Jessica every inch of why she loved her, every second that she'd yearned after her, burning with her own miniature star of adoration for all these years with so much love that it felt like her ribs with crack apart with the force of her heartbeat, the joy from her smile and her little stutter whenever she got nervous and her angelic blush and everything, everything that shone light on Sayo's life.
Sayo could never escape her sin. The proof was in her body, in her veins, but this single moment was enough to send her soaring high above it on wings...
...of wax that she could feel falling apart as Jessica stumbled back, wide-eyed with what Sayo was sure was regret.
It all fades into memory. A perfect moment that could never be outside of fantasy, not with Sayo's mistakes, the burden of Sayo Yasuda herself, dragging down both of them. Her arms, still outstretched to hold Jessica, fall limp as she runs.
And then a spike of panic overtakes her when she realizes where they are-]
Jessica, wait-
[Sayo charges after.]
This place is dangerous! You can't just-
no subject
She doesn't want this happiness to end. But even while the morning is hidden, all dreams must end. The box containing this one has already been opened.
So she runs and runs, into the ruins dotted with marshy ground and gnarled black trees. She hears Sayo's footsteps behind her, the past that chases her to drag her back into its grasp, bringing love and tragedy and every emotion that threatens to grind her heart into useless scraps. She wants to escape her. She wants to be caught.
She darts aside, behind a tree, then behind a ruined building, something which once sheltered life, once proud, now desolate and crumbled. Never to be repaired, but all the starker in its beauty. Jessica hides herself in rubble, the only shelter she has. ]
no subject
...furniture she may be, but she can't leave Jessica alone in a place like this, so far away from Trench that she didn't even know where to start the trek back. The night may be lovely, dark, and deep, but the forest twisted any comfort that could be found in its embrace into a fear of the untamed horrors that might lurk within it, making Trench's abominations seem tame by comparison.
So Sayo gets up, grits her teeth, and keeps looking, passing into the center plaza of the dead city.]
Jessi-
[Her shoulders pass through an arch, and she's gone.]
no subject
As if. She hears Sayo stumble and fall, not seeing it, but wincing all the same. It sounded painful. She nearly gets up, offers her a hand, but... it's not the first time she's ignored her pain, is it? She swore to herself never to turn away again, but here she is, desperately holding back the thousand contradicting passions that threaten to overwhelm her.
Sayo walks past her hiding spot, and Jessica sees her, miserable and caked with dirt, calling out to her, and she looks so small and forlorn. She forces herself to stay where she is, but the effort of it brings tears to her eyes. She doesn't want to be here. She wants to be free of the witch that claimed her heart.
And then she's gone. And Jessica is afraid. Afraid for the one who killed her family and shattered her heart. The thought of being without her, even now, terrifies her. She gets up, looks all around, foolishly, as though the gate would just take Sayo a couple dozen feet away. ]
Sayo...? Sayo!
[ Since coming here, everything that Jessica thought she knew about herself and her world has been upended. She's been forced to reconsider who she is, what she wants and values. Her relationship with the one she trusted and desired most was inverted, transformed into something painful, but as she discovered in the woods, just as many feelings remained, deepening in intensity. She charges through the gate to recover the one that she won't permit to be lost. ]
no subject
At least she isn't cuffed to the chair. And the seat is quite comfortable. A goat butler even offers Jessica some popcorn.
The susurrus quiets, then cuts out entirely when the red velvet curtains, seeming to stretch to every horizon, slowly draw outward, revealing...
An empty, scuffed wooden floor, the harsh lighting seeming almost garish as it bears down on the small, uninhabited stage. Yet when Jessica casts her gaze to it, she also sees a scene in Rokkenjima, its falsity apparent when looking from without, but from within it must surely appear as true as anything else that was writ into the catbox.
Sayo Yasuda stands over Nanjo's corpse, panting heavily, sweat beading on her forehead and dripping onto her uniform to dilute the blood and gore. She spits into the shattered cavity where most of his skull had once been, and staggers into the room beyond. Where Jessica, the role and not the actor still in the audience seating, cowers.
Jessica can hear Jessica's cries for Kanon.
The witch glances down at the gun held loosely in her hand for but a moment. Then she looks at Jessica's face, sets her jaw, and kneels down next to her.
"Milady... I am always waiting by your side."
Reality splits again, and now Jessica can see another layer, woven atop the empty stage and the morbid reenactment of the harsh truth: Beatrice, summoning Kanon from the beyond so his ghost could guide Jessica to a few more precious moments of life.
Kanon reaches for Jessica.
Sayo reaches for Jessica.
Sayo reaches for Jessica.
But they both retract their hands before making contact, shaking their heads; although Kanon's expression is mournful while Sayo's is a rictus of self-absorbed self-pity and self-loathing, self, self, self, and self, until they all collapsed into a singularity and devoured everything.
Jessica weeps, and Sayo tells a story of a ghost who returned from the hereafter for her sake. The ghost and the teller both ache with longing, with a desire to feel the heat of the truly living, but weave the tale so that they may never touch. Orihime and Hikoboshi, a tapestry of stars in a hand's breadth.
Kanon guides Jessica from under the table, toward the door, and...
Sayo Yasuda, in the flesh, in the rotting wood of furniture and covered in dirt and leaves from her wild search for Jessica, walks on stage and seamlessly takes her role over from the illusion (although Jessica doesn't feel the pull to enter the stage herself).
She looks at Jessica, that impossible longing plain to see in everything from the softening of her face to the hunch of her shoulders.]
Jessica-san... just let me hold your hand.
[And Kanon's story is swept away like a fugitive cobweb.
"E- Eh? Kanon-kun, this isn't the time for im-"]
Please.
[Her voice creaks, like a chair straining under the weight of years.
"...mm. I... okay."
And so the furniture and the phantom clasp hands, Eurydice calling out Orpheus's name so that the story can finally fade. Sayo walks in place atop the stage, and Sayo and Jessica creep out of the mansion and into the pouring rain, a gunshot drowned by the pouring thunder. Through the woods. Up the hill.
"Um... was it really you, the entire..."]
Yes. [A crack.
"You could've told me, you know!" A weak huff, a strained laugh at the absurdity of the situation. "I wouldn't have... well, maybe I would've freaked out, but you're my best friend. I-"]
Even if you said that... your sun is too bright, Jessica-san.
["...you even talk like him, huh."
Into the church. Through the passage. Toward the sea.
"This is, er, weird to say in a place like this- haha, look at me stuttering, isn't that usually your thing?"
A weak, pained laugh.
"But... I really loved Kanon-kun, I think."]
Don't-
["So..." The phantom turns away, even though she can't see Sayo in the first place. "I guess that means I love you, too."
Sayo stops in place even as she staggers forward in the illusion. Tears fall from both of their eyes.
"W- Wahaha... that's- I didn't mean, and we're both girls, and why am I saying this, where are we even running away to, o- or who from, I was too scared to ask before, but-"]
...follow my lead, my lady. Here's the boat.
["A boat?! Aren't we supposed to be in the middle of a typhoon? And... didn't I tell you to stop calling me milady all the time? Geez."]
It appears a miracle has blessed us. [Indeed, the storm clouds have parted, if only for a moment. Yet despite this billion to one chance, Sayo's performance is dull. Wooden. Emotionless, even as Jessica climbs into the boat, and reaches to cling onto Sayo.
Jessica can feel the invitation to play a part calling her, too. To take the phantom's place, although she won't be able to rewrite the script or even move from her seat, now just as dark as all the rest of the theater.
The ending is already in place.]
no subject
Realization. Acceptance. Trust. Warmth.
From her seat, Jessica knows that the one holding her hand, guiding her like a protecting angel, was the one who instigated this atrocity, and yet... more than anything, she wants the two of them to get away, together. To live. To be okay. And it isn't only the Jessica on the stage that yearns for that, no matter how vehement her internal protests. Let there be one world where they can be happy, even among such terrible tragedy.
It's the easiest thing in the world to step within this story. ]
Um, l-leaving the typhoon aside, is it really safe to be out on the water at night? N-Not that I've ever been in a boat like this anyway, but...!
[ But is it safe to be alone on an island with a killer, secret passages or no? Jessica doesn't know what should be done. Although the most intense of the wild, adrenaline driven terror has receded, it's replaced with cold, gnawing dread. She's horribly aware of how fragile hers and Sayo's lives are in this moment.
The Jessica in her seat knows that its just as dangerous to be alone and blinded with the original culprit, remembers her crazed rants and destructive self-loathing. From the bottom of her heart, Jessica fears and despises her, but... ]
Just— stay with me, okay? I... was always pretty selfish, wasn't I, Sayo? But you're everything I have left, now. So just stay by my side.
[ It isn't just her profound helplessness in this moment. There's nobody she wants to be with more. So for now, she clings to Sayo as she clings to life itself. ]
...S-Someday I'll make it up to you. I promise.
cw: suicide
The boat rocks in silence for an eternity, or maybe a few minutes, as Sayo lets herself be held as if she was an anchor and not just another clump of detritus tossed by the waves. Jessica's warmth slowly fills Sayo as she listens to her heartbeat, a melancholy smile rising to her face while the light of her beloved illuminates the way to the future.
An impossible future.
The illusion of forever fades as Sayo slowly, gently frees herself from Jessica's grasp.]
I should start the engine. You have something better ahead of you than this place.
[She's careful to not disturb the boat overmuch as she sets it out to sea... and just as careful to resist the implacable urge to return to Jessica's embrace.]
I love you, Jessica.
[The declaration is abrupt, like glass shattering.]
You have no idea how many times I've wanted to say that. When you looked Kanon in the eyes and begged him to show my coward's heart. When you bared your soul to everyone you know as easy as blinking, letting the entire school hear you sing. When you tapped him on the shoulder and was almost surprised to realize he was a boy.
When we held hands under the covers during your thirteenth birthday sleepover and I saw your sleeping face for the first time and it struck me how beautiful you were, even while my heart ached from the root of love.
So I'm saying it now for all the other "mes" who never found the courage: I love you.
[And she pulls Jessica in for a kiss. Long, and sweet, and tender, stretching into infinity. Sayo finally lets her hear the fragile beat of her love-choked heart, chest to chest, totally lacking the raw desperation of the kiss they'd shared in those blighted woods.
Which is why when Sayo pulls away, Jessica can feel tears falling onto her lap.]
...That was too cheesy, wasn't it? If I ever revisit this Fragment, then I'll really have to edit that speech down...
[A sniffle.]
You keep saying you're selfish. It's almost funny, isn't it? My darkest thoughts about you always whispered the same thing, but... whenever you said it yourself, I denied it as fervently as I could. But I can say it now, now that you're not really here.
Haha, I really am a coward.
You're stupid, and s- selfish, and refuse to see what's right in front of y- you, and... I love you anyways.
That's why...
[This time, Sayo plants a kiss on Jessica's earlobe, quick and full of longing.]
I have to do this.
...I've turned that moment in the hallway around so many times. What would I have really done then? Without the benefit of hindsight, when the tragedy was still too fresh and my heart too numb to feel the full weight of my regret? Would I have tried to be your Orpheus, or your Juliet?
And the pathetic truth is that I don't know. That choice at the crossroads of Hell... it will remain unresolved forever. Locked in a catbox within a mirage within another catbox, as inconsequential as any other choice this illusory "me" made.
So I tell this story to myself. That I would have swept you off your feet and loosed my mask without hesitation, and tugged you along to a happy ending. Here, on this dark stage.
Here, where I'm not even performing a monologue. I'm writing a soliloquy, and leaving the script locked within the depths of my coward's heart.
[She sways to her feet.]
You say that you're selfish. That might be true.
But you will never, never be as selfish as the witch who stole your future, and replaced it with possibilities and stories and tales to comfort herself at night.
[A ridiculous thought strikes her: that the rope tied around her ankle is uncomfortable. She probably fastened it too tightly. But that was the point, wasn't it?]
I've wanted to save this "you" for what feels like as long as I can remember. But that Jessica is forever beyond my reach now. Another fantasy, another illusion that keeps me trapped in a "what-if."
I said that I'm the master of Rokkenjima's night... but that's not true anymore. I can only be a witch while in the company of other witches.
But even I...
Even I...
[She clenches her fist.]
I want to stay locked in this catbox with this "you" forever. Even during this endless, moonlit night, my dreams cast back to this moment.
And I can't let it hold me here when Jessica, the Jessica who knows my whole ugly self, is out there, probably trapped in a mirage just like me. Running into the embrace of fantasy when I killed her best friend and her beloved before her eyes... I can't make myself betray her like that again.
So... this is a funeral for my memories of you. No, that's not right. This is a funeral for you. For us, the illusions of a lonely, lonely girl who was too afraid to show her beloved her heart, and so created "us" and moved her pieces across the board to send her message.
There was never any future for us beyond her catbox. Yet I was made real. My life began here, in the Waking World.
You... you said that you wanted me to stay by your side. And that's a promise I won't break. Not to the real you, not in this moment, not when you're in danger. Then when you're safe once more, I'll disappear in the morning sun and leave you in peace, to build a life without making the same mistake of trapping yourself in a fantasy no matter how clothed in flesh and blood it is. Just as I will find a way to "exist" as I am, and weed out this last root of love. For both of our sakes.
So illusions must return to illusions, but a funeral must have a body in its casket.
[Sayo plants one final kiss on Jessica's forehead.]
When the seagulls cried, no one was left alive.
Riposa in pace, my beloved. My love.
[Splash.]
no subject
[ Jessica chuckles softly to herself. Even when Sayo pulls away, she still reaches her hand out, brushing her palm, not wanting to let go of the one rock she has in this storm. No resentment from the self that came from outside is able to disrupt that pure desire to simply be with her.
And if there was, that confession of love, and the sweet, endless, all too brief kiss that follows it, effectively silence any of that emotional interference. That overwhelming, tidal force of Sayo's love moves her, rearranges her as the moon does the sea. Her heart aglow, she listens to Sayo rhapsodize about her love for her. Meager, naive, never good enough Jessica, exalted and fervently adored by the one she always desired without knowing it. ]
I-I love you too, Sayo.
[ But she listens, quiet and attentive. After so many years of turning away, she needs to do this, needs to understand Sayo's heart. The voice that belongs to the observer from Trench is silenced too, even if she's moderately irritated at how she's still, after everything, being put up on a pedestal. That's not as important as Sayo spilling her heart. There is much that she does not understand, even as an observer, but she knows all the same that it must be important to Sayo.
It's awful morbid, though. Locked in a box forever? A funeral, with a body in the casket? Jessica's attentive resolve transforms into a more stunned silence. She reaches out her hand, blindly feeling for Sayo, trying to hold her hand or anything else that she can reach, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach. She can't mean what she's implying, can she? Jessica can't lose her too. She can't. ]
Sayo, I don't know— [ But her words die in her throat.
She's only able to make a sound again once she hears the horrible, final sound of the water being breached. For a couple seconds, she's paralyzed in blank shock. How appropriate. She was always too late to save her. The silence is broken by a horrified, despairing shriek. She does not stop to think, or to remove the bandages from her mostly-blind eyes. The part of her that knows of the world outside does not care about the distinction any longer.
She dives in after Sayo, blind and flailing, unable to even grip her, or to swim to bring them both to safety. Her descent is several feet to Sayo's left, as it happens. She gasps, bubbles escaping her mouth as she drowns with her love.
Jessica's lungs, her whole body burns, and there's a terrible roaring pressure in her head as blackness begins to close in. It's an agony unlike any she's ever felt before. Every instinct of self preservation screams in terror, a fear that permeates every part of her, because she doesn't want to die. But she wouldn't be herself if she didn't jump after her beloved. Even though her hands don't reach. They don't, no matter how she holds them out.
And then everything is dark, and the pain stops, and there's nothing but black black black, until there isn't, and she's cold and dirty among the bleak ruins, looking pale and haunted as she stares at Sayo.
But only for a moment. Only for a moment, before she wraps the other girl in a hug as tight as they water that crushed in on her, sobbing helplessly. She's furious and horrified and sad and she doesn't ever want to let go.]
no subject
But no pretty metaphor will save Sayo from the raw despair she feels when she hears that muffled splash, someone drowning with words trying to reach her, and she finds out too late that at least one person would never, ever, let her go. She reaches out to Jessica, trying to do something, anything to save her, fingertips brushing against hers, a mute "I love you" forming on her lips before the water takes her-
Then they're in the dead, dessicated air of the ruined city. Her only company her regrets- no. That wasn't right.
For what feels like the first time since she arrived in Trench, Sayo looks Jessica dead in the eye and sees Jessica. For herself, without a taint of everything that she stood for in Sayo's mind. Not a monument to her mistakes, not an ideal she could never reach, but an angry, scared girl who cared about Sayo's twisted self far, far too much.
She takes a hesitant half-step back before Jessica envelops her in an embrace, warm and fierce and... normally, this is where Sayo would tell herself in the story she wrote in the theater of her mind that Jessica was like the sun. But no, that was being unfair, wasn't it?
Jessica was Jessica.
And Jessica was crying.
That's what breaks Sayo. She clutches Jessica back just as tightly, burying her now-tearstained face in Jessica's shoulder as she cries helplessly. Her chest heaves, and she feels like she's drowning just like she had been a few moments before with how little breath her sobs leave her.]
I'm sorry. I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, s- s- so sorry, Jessica, I'm so sorry-
[There's not a trace of sardonic self-pity or twisted narcissism in her words. Just raw anguish, pouring out in a tide, all the apologies that Sayo wished she could say to Jessica but she felt that she didn't deserve to receive absolution for.
And yet, sometimes, those two simple words are all you need to convey how much your feelings have been choking you.]
no subject
Jessica can hardly believe that she did that, but really, there was nothing else she would have done. She's always been an idiot acting on whatever emotion seizes her heart, and even her attempts to change are based on those same impulses. She doesn't know how truly real that world was, but in that moment, she really did die for the sake of the one who instigated that nightmarish slaughter.
But Sayo was the one more foolish by far, treating that vision as nothing more than a stage for her own vanity. And yet... in this moment, Jessica believes her with all her heart, can see beyond that grotesque narcissism to the simple, honest despair and longing at its root. Before the culprit and the witch, she just sees Sayo, as dirty and exhausted and hurting as her. She rests her hand on the back of Sayo's head, pressing her to her shoulder, somehow managing to choke out words between the tears. ]
I... I know. I know...
[ And she really, really believes her. It's almost enough for... but no. Her heart is burning. How appropriate that fate should reveal the best of what they could have been, before cruelly reminding Jessica of death and tragedy and just how irreparably the girl in her arms wounded her. She has to overcome it, even if it means losing the one that she loves most in this world. ]
I love you, but it all hurts too damn much! I need to be free from this, or I'll just explode! I can't take it...
[ But she doesn't let her go yet. She can't. ]
I just... live. Please, Sayo, live, just like you said. Promise me. I can't forgive you, but... I want to believe in you too. You wouldn't have saved me if you weren't kind, and good. I know that you are. I know all those days we spent together weren't just lies.
You're not a freak, or a monster, or furniture, you're just you, and you did something fucking awful, but now you have another chance and I'll hate you way worse if you don't take it.
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Yet she'd never tried to change, never truly considered the pain her vanity could inflict (although she was keenly aware of the more material harm from its results) until she sees Jessica's sobbing desperation as they clung to each other, nails sinking in and embrace tightening to make sure she was real, she was here. And that only forces more tears out of Sayo's eyes as she collapses into Jessica, letting her best friend, her first true love that ran beneath all others, finally grab hold of what Sayo had once been convinced was only an illusion.]
I... [Sayo's breath hitches. She knows the weight of a promise. She knows how direly it can break a heart when it shatters. Can she really do this, really give her whole self to Jessica in total faith when she'd already betrayed her so many times?
...she had no other choice, did she? If she wanted to finally free Jessica from Sayo's own cursed life, let the poison finally fade...
A final severance in a final binding.]
I promise.
[The crying slowly subsides as more of Jessica's words sink in, everything that Sayo had ever wanted to hear from her before it was too late, too late, too late by her own hand. She almost bemoans herself for being cursed, but... that would be rejecting the truth in Jessica's words, closing her eyes to what love they had left between them.
So she just holds on, softly and quietly, before finding one last line to this tragic love song.]
I know that after... we won't... [Sayo trails off. There is a sweetness in a final embrace, one that Sayo wants to selfishly hold on to until the very last moment.]
But please... can you let me have this?
For just a little while longer.
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But she can't save Sayo, except for making her swear to save herself. That's all she has left. She hums quiet affirmation as Sayo makes that promise, the anger giving way to mournful tenderness. She believes her. Maybe that's just the optimistic hope that somehow, Sayo can finally be free of the misery that her family inflicted on her. That she in her negligence, inflicted. ]
It's... not the last time. I'm entering that tournament. I’m… gonna kick your ass.
[ When she first saw those flyers, she knew immediately that she had to enter, and had to fight Sayo. At first, she fancied that maybe the feeling that welled up in her was the desire for revenge. But... it wasn't. It's something else, something she can't quite identify, not exactly. Whatever that feeling is, it won't let go of her. ]
Mm… yeah.
[ Jessica doesn't want to let go. Even with them both cold and smeared with mud and tears, she wishes that she could hold Sayo like this forever. In this moment, heavy with grief though it is, there's no more illusions, or pretense, or even resentment. A small world for the two of them, filled with love. Gently, perhaps cruelly, she strokes Sayo's hair, feeling her chest rise and fall against hers. Alive. ]
I Ran (So Far Away) | Mid to late April | Locked to Ange
Gradually, though, she starts to change again. At first her cheer seems to remain intact but she gradually grows... more distant. Perhaps it's something most people wouldn't notice, but it's a marked difference from how open she was with Ange when she'd gotten here. By the middle of the month, her manner is noticeably blunt and irritable, brushing off any concern shown towards her. She rarely comes to meals, or starts conversations.
What Ange might find particularly alarming today, though, are the obvious signs of corruption. Jessica's skin is sallow, and a faint heat rises off from her body. Her eyes have slit, cat-like pupils. She's on her way to the kitchen when she passes Ange in the hall, only nodding wordlessly in acknowledgement of her presence. ]
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But pulling herself together for that sort of reason means that Ange is keeping an extra close eye on all the people that matter to her, just to make sure that this month isn't doing something to them.
And that, in turn, means that she notices Jessica's change. At first she doesn't quite blame it on this month, maybe more just on the other still struggling with the reveal that has been weighing down both of their lives so much. Maybe Jessica is still dealing with it in her own way, and it makes her a little distant.
It's harder to still assume that though when things seem to escalate. It's one thing to avoid people, but Jessica's irritated mood and total avoidance start getting a little too worrisome.
Worrisome enough that Ange just can't ignore it. What if this month is influencing Jessica, or something else, and Ange didn't do something about it until it was already too late?
She'd never forgive herself, not after finally having regained some family in this place. And when Ange notices Jessica today, the physical changes about the other only make it more clear what is going on. There's no way this can be anything but corruption, and the thought of that sends a chill down Ange's spine.
She has to do something.
So rather than just letting the other pass without saying anything, Ange speaks up. ]
Jessica onee-chan.
[ If the other ignores her, then Ange won't hesitate to just move right after the other, putting a hand on the other's shoulder to get her cousin to face her. ]
Jessica onee-chan, we-- we need to talk.
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She realized that it was nothing that needed to stop her. Yes, she feels dull and sick, her sleep is quite irregular, her mood is far more irritable, but its something that she can, no, must push through. Just as she must push through those agonizing feelings for Sayo. She's not the old Jessica who needs to lean on people, who's too afraid to seize her future. The old Jessica who flinched away when it mattered. This is the self she'd always wanted to cultivate.
Jessica's turns to face Ange when she touches her shoulder, her expression sharp and irritated. ]
What?
[ Her face softens. It's not as though she doesn't want to see her friends, or Ange. But... right now, this isn't the Jessica who Ange wished for, for all those years. She'll get that Jessica back, return her to Ange, but right now... it just feels wrong if she can't show the best possible Jessica to her. If she can't be somebody that she can rely on. That will just hurt Ange more. There's too much Jessica hasn't rid herself of yet.
She sucks in a deep breath. ]
Is something the matter, Ange-chan?
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Which means that it's entirely visible when she winces a little at the way the other initially snaps. It's not even that Ange can't deal with aggressiveness, but when it comes from a family member in particular.. well, that's bound to make Ange of all people remember some really nasty memories.
She quickly recovers though. Not just because Jessica's expression and tons softens, but also because she doesn't want to make the other feel even worse. ]
.. have you noticed? [ There's a brief pause, and it almost seems like Ange might not elaborate, but then she does. ] You're.. starting to get corrupted. It's showing.
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But... this is for her too. Ange can't rely on her if she's helpless. ]
I know. It's... under control. I promise. [ Jessica still believes that wholeheartedly. But she really has no way of knowing that for sure. She's just too driven on what she needs to accomplish to let the doubts surface. ] I just, have to keep going, Ange-chan. I won't let it take over.
[ From her room, the people in Clockhouse might have heard Jessica practicing her guitar and singing, even Karate, with the sort of methodical precision that Ange might not have expected from her appearances in witch's game. ]
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Like Ange can't help but question what Jessica is saying. ]
Why do you have to keep going..?
[ There's a slight pause, and she sees to realise how that sounds, making her quickly shake her head before she speaks again. It's just that something about the way Jessica said it that sounds.. strange. Way too determined and rigid. And coupled with her behaviour from the past while.. ]
Did someone tell you something weird? [ Did someone tell her that she has to harden herself to survive here? That she can't rely on anyone? Would that explain her behaviour lately? Surely Jessica knows that she could just come to her if anything was wrong, right..? ] Or is this still because of..
[ Her voice trails off, like she's having a hard time addressing last month's mess out loud. ]
.. because of what happened? I'm just saying.. It never ends well when you try to handle corruption all by yourself, you know.
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I just... do. I'm sorry. [ She takes a deep breath, and her face almost regains its old gentleness, if it weren't for the fevered intensity to her eyes. But she wants to at least assuage Ange's worries. They've both been through so much together. ] I realized it for myself. I don't want to be the stupid, unreliable, sheltered girl I used to be. I need a new start.
[ She puts a too-warm hand on Ange's shoulder in turn, looking her in the eyes with her too intense gaze. She looks like an absolute mess, outright sickly, but the confidence in her eyes rivals that seen during her fantastic battle in the fourth game. ]
But... I guess it is. I have to fight Sayo, in that tournament. I... need to break those chains. I gotta be free. So I've been training a lot.
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It feels like an awkward topic to navigate, especially considering Ange's own feelings. So after biting her lip and thinking for a moment, she opts to just not address it.
Not right away, anyway. Thankfully Jessica is saying something else that is easier to focus on. ]
What are you saying..? You've never been stupid or unreliable. [ 'Sheltered' is a lot harder to fight, but it also feels like the least negative of all of them. It's something Jessica herself couldn't really help. ] Even when I was young, I remember thinking of you as someone who was really cool and strong.
[ Granted, it might have been from the idealized view of a less than six years old girl, but she remembers it all the same. ]
If.. you want to fight, then you should. [ That isn't causing Jessica's corruption, Ange thinks. Not most likely, anyway. ] But you shouldn't say such mean and untrue things about yourself.
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But that's why she needs to fight. If her heart is strong enough to overcome her previous frailty, to transcend hate and love alike, she can be really free to make her own future. The way she never had before. ]
...Thanks. I need to make my own future. And that means...
[ She trails off. No. It's not something she can easily put into words (not that this comes down to just the fight, or Sayo). Nor can she offer any sort of strong rebuttal when Ange voices her faith and admiration, can't refute the dreams of a girl that spent 12 years without her family. ]
I'm... sorry. You wanted your family, but now I'm all messed up like this. I... I felt all bottled up my whole life, Ange-chan. Now that I finally have the chance to stretch my wings, I... I can't let a little thing like this keep me down.
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[ For a moment Ange isn't able to say anything but the other's name in the face of all of that. Something in her eyes is sad - almost like she feels bad for the other girl, thinking about everything that must be weighing on the other's shoulders and mind for her to say this in the first place. For her to actually even start to get corrupted.
Ange gently tugs on the other, directing her along into the kitchen - making sure there's no one else in there before moving to sit Jessica down so Ange can sit down opposite her.
It's probably better to have this talk while sitting here, rather than standing out there in the hallway. Especially when you never know who could happen to pass by and overhear some awkward snippets. ]
You're not messed up to me at all. [ Maybe it seems that way in Jessica's mind, but that's why Ange is making sure to word it this way. To show her that Ange doesn't have a single problem with her.
Maybe that reassurance is something other people need when they get lost in their thoughts. Ange thinks so, but she isn't sure. Even with all her experience in this place, she's still a little unused to this. Still fumbling, while trying her best. ]
It's just.. you're dealing with a lot right now. Suddenly ending up in this weird place, having to adjust to that, and then the entire.. you know. The recent stuff. [ It's as if there's a specific name she doesn't even want to force over her lips right now. ] It's easy for your feelings to grow into some huge mess because of having to deal with all of that at once.
But just because those are messed up, it doesn't mean you're messed up as a person. It just means that you're someone who's dealing with a lot right now. It's okay if stuff bothers you. You don't.. have to feel like you have to be invincible, or something.
[ Pot, meet kettle.
But look, Ange has never minded being a hypocrite when it's needed to tell other people something reassuring, okay. It's clearly for a good cause here! ]
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Maybe she was just looking away. Again. She sits down heavily, with a weary sigh. The awkward, crooked smile she gives Ange might seem familiar, if it wasn't for her washed out appearance. ]
Haha... I wonder how many times Ruby gave you this chat?
[ She stares at her hand, flexing her fingers. Unable to entirely force down the jealousy that rises when she thinks of Ange and her loving, stable relationship. Once she'd felt something like that about Sayo and George. How ironic. But that's not fair. Ange had to go through so much to get where she is, didn't she? She didn't have it any luckier than Jessica, not at all. ]
I know. I just... I feel messed up, like... it hurts. Feeling these things... They hurt. They make me feel... wrong.
How did you... get through it? How did you get here, Ange-chan?
cw: talk of past suicidal ideation
And Ange knows the answer to it. She knows that it's exactly why she knows that all of this must be hard for Jessica - but talking about it feels difficult. Even moreso to her family, to the people who only remember that small, six year old girl. The exact people Ange worries so much about being a complete stranger to, even though they've always been in her heart, all these years.
She bites her lip, but then tries to act according to her own advice to others. Talking is important. Maybe it'll help Jessica to hear that she isn't the only one who struggles after arriving in such an odd place. ]
To me.. it seemed endless. That feeling you get when you first show up in a place like this. Feeling so powerless, so confused.. [ She shakes her head. ] I think I spent about half a year or so unable to get over it. I felt so lonely, and without a purpose. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I lived by myself, spending most of the day lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, wishing that there was a way for me to just.. die. Without being brought back. To let it all end.
[ She sucks in a breath, hands balling into fists as her nails dig into the palms of her hands. Ange knows she has to keep talking, but it's hard, and her chest feels so tight when she thinks back on that time. ]
It only changed when I let people in. Once I started to allow people to help me, instead of thinking that I had to somehow figure it all out by myself. Ruby.. [ .. since Jessica mentioned her just now too. ] She was one of the people who looked out for me consistently. Even if she might not have realised just how hard of a time I was having, since I didn't want to talk about it, she tried to make me have fun. And eventually I just-- I just let her do that to me, rather than resisting it. It's one of those things that finally started to make things feel lighter.
[ A deep exhale. ]
I guess what I'm trying to say is just.. that. That it's impossible in a place like this to do everything by yourself. It'll just make you more and more miserable. That's exactly why I think it's so important for all of us to help each other out.
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But... she owes it to listen, to not let the feelings burning her heart to overpower the ability to simply sit and listen and be with somebody who needs her and whom she needs in turn. So she does. She still doesn't know all of Ange's story, but... she feels a sudden surge of pride in her, along with an outpouring of sympathy, something so raw and tragic that it hurts. ]
I'm... so sorry. That sounds really hard. I just want you to know, um... I know I've been like this lately, but I promise, you'll never be alone. I'll always be on your side, Ange-chan.
[ She reaches for Ange's hand across the table, feeling tears sting her own eyes. She really is stupid. Once again, her own need to escape her feelings, her own fantasies caused her to lose sight of the one who was beside her. The one who needed her. ]
If... you ever want to tell me everything, um... I'll listen. I promise.
But still, um... I just need to keep pushing on. If I don't, I don't know what will happen to me. Maybe that's just me running away again, though. Like I always do.
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But thankfully Jessica already moves on with what she's saying by herself, so Ange doesn't have to. That's one bit of relief in the middle of all these heavy topics. It's always so much easier for Ange to focus on other people than her own mess of emotions, personality and history. ]
Then do that.
[ She looks at Jessica as she says it, but her voice is still a little more gentle after all those emotions. ]
I'm not saying you can't. [ That's definitely not the point. ] If you think pushing on will help you, then do that. Go fight, if that's what you want. It can take time to figure out what helps you.
[ Because god knows that Ange still isn't over what happened in March either, and she would love to find out how to get over it herself, thanks. ]
Go out there and lean new things, or practice stuff you're interested in, or.. whatever. [ Anything Jessica wants!
(Words Ange might regret later on once the romance happens.) ]
.. just don't avoid everyone else in the process. I'm not just talking about me either. Just-- don't lose sight of people.
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She wipes her tears with the back of her hand, managing to meet Ange's eyes with her own, slit-pupiled and sunken and so very tired. ]
Sorry, I-I'm pretty stupid. This isn't helping me at all, but I'm... scared, I guess.
[ Scared of trusting again. Of slowing down and thinking too hard about what's happened to her. Of not being good enough. ]
I... saw Mom, in one of those portals. I couldn't even talk to her, but I saw her. She's... going to die, and I couldn't do anything about it.
[ She's so lonely. She wants everything that she was severed from, but there's no way to regain it. ]
But... I won't. I'll try.
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Your mom..? [ Apparently Ange hasn't encountered one of those portals yet herself, judging by the way she sounds a little surprised, but then she shakes her head.
The details don't matter. It sounds like something that could happen here, right? ]
Yeah, places like these.. do that sometimes. I can't tell you the sheer number of times I've seen mom or dad. [ Too many. And often dead. Ange wonders if Jessica saw her own mother alive in comparison because dead family is all Ange knows. ] But you never know, you know? Any of our family could wash up on these shores at this point. I gave up on that idea for the longest time, but..
[ .. well. ]
I've got living proof sitting right in front of me right now. So who's to say aunt Natsuhi or uncle Krauss couldn't show up too? [ Or Ange's own parents, or her big brother. Or any other part of their family. ]
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Ange must have gone through so much. Even in a new world (two new worlds!) with a new life, with friends and family and a place to call home, even then she must have gone through all of this and more, having all her hurt excavated and thrown back at her. The strange forces in this world were bad enough, but Sayo ended up doing all of that in the cruelest way too.
Jessica knows her living complicated parents, who fought with her family, had terrible secrets, wanted her to be a person that she could never be happy being. Even with all that she knows, she misses them every day. She wants to see them again, to talk to them. But her voice will never reach. ]
Ange-chan, do you... think they're proud of me?
[ Imagining them here... it seems impossible. She has no idea how they'd cope with Trench, how they'd fit it into their worldviews. But maybe her perspective on them is still too limited. ]
I... I hope they do.
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[ Ange knows that the truth is probably more complicated than that. It's not like she knows Jessica's parents all that well in the first place, after all. Her own memories of them are so old and faint, and though she's since then learned a lot about them, it's not like it's ever been through personal experience. Who's to say whether or not the mental image she has of her aunt and uncle are accurate?
But even so.. she wants to believe. No matter how many messed up habits all of their parents have, they got to at least care about their kids. (Aunt Rosa aside, but that, along with Eva's treatment of Ange, is a complicated mess Ange doesn't even want to mentally touch.) ]
I know that your parents are kind of strict. [ Much more so than Ange's own parents. So much more. ] But when it comes down to it, especially under these extreme circumstances.. wouldn't they just want you to be happy?
[ Ange can - at the very least - not imagine them to be callous enough to not care about that.
And so, even though she can't be sure, she at least wants to say that to Jessica. To give the other some hope when Jessica seems to be struggling with enough already. ]
.. who knows, maybe uncle Krauss would be happy that you're joining him in his hobby.
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She never felt like she measured up to their expectations. They both played a significant part in making that tragedy happen. But she misses them so badly. She wants them to be here. But she's already blessed to have Ange here. She mustn't turn away from that again. ]
Yeah... I think so.
[ Ange never had that, did she? She heard a bit from her how Eva had made her miserable, the hellish upbringing she went through. Once again, she's glad that she's now surrounded by people who love her. ]
I think maybe... he'd be proud of how much I've improved.
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They might never show up here, but if her cousin is already having such a hard time in this place, then.. maybe all Ange can do is keep some hope alive in the other's heart. Even if she can't be sure it's enough. ]
Um, Jessica onee-chan..
[ She starts, slowly. ]
Do you feel a bit better now..?
[ Ange knows that it can't have cured everything instantly. Jessica seemed to be dealing with too much for that. But she hopes that she can at least have made something a little lighter here. ]
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Yeah, I think I do, Ange-chan.
[ And it felt better, seeing these things. Hearing these things. Even if there's so much more that she's not sure she should ever say. ]
We should talk more often.
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.. or maybe she just desperately wishes that it isn't one. That she was able to help her cousin, someone so important to her, just a little bit. ]
Of course we should.
[ It's said in a way that's a little pouty. A way that might have been playful under other circumstances, even coming from Ange, but is a little more muted right now due to the heaviness of all the things they discussed.
Either way - she doesn't seem genuinely angry. Just pouty in the same way a little kid might be, and then even fainter. ]
You're the one who was avoiding me.
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Haha, Sorry. I know that I've been like this but— [ She bites her lip, her tone suddenly shifting to something more serious. ] ...you're so, so important to me. You're irreplaceable. I love you so much, Ange-chan.
[ She gives her cousin's hand a squeeze, looking away awkwardly in a sudden fluster. Sheesh. Why do feelings have to be so hard. She clears her throat, trying to lighten the mood. ]
Would you wanna watch a movie or something, later? I know you've been to some of my shows, but lately we haven't had much chances to just hang out.
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.. Oh. Ange sure didn't see those sudden words coming, which means that her mind definitely needs a moment here to process them. It's not something she has heard very often in the first place. A little more in this place than she ever has back home, for sure, but it's still.. a lot.
What does she do? Address them? Not address them? Jessica looks flustered and moves on, so maybe she should do the same? ]
S-Sure.
[ Smooth, Ange. She's definitely flustered now too, and the suddenness of it all makes her have a hard time hiding it. ]
If you want to. Ruby and I have a whole collection of dumb action movies, if you'd want to watch one of those. [ They definitely seem to be Jessica's style - or so Ange thinks, anyway. And it's the sort of movie that Ange also likes watching, no matter whether or not she'd ever admit to that. ]
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Haha, heck yeah! "I'll be back." [ That is said in English. Whether it can be said to pass as an Austrian accent is impossible to say. ] I really like the Hong Kong movies, too! I wanted to be like Cynthia Rothrock when I grew up, hehe. What kinda movies does Ruby like?
[ Yeah. It was so easy to get caught up in that obsession that she forgot what it was even really about. Who she wanted to be stronger for. ]
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Fortunately (for Jessica?) Ange lets it pass for the moment, instead just a little glad in her confirmation that she was absolutely right about the other girl's taste in movies. Thankfully things seem to be coming together here for once, even if it's just in this one very specific niche subject. ]
Ruby? She likes pretty much anything, as long as it involves a lot of fighting.
[ Maybe that's doing Ruby a little simple and dirty..
.. but only a little bit. It's mostly apt. ]
The world she comes from is really different from ours. [ Ange isn't too sure whether Ruby or anyone else in the house brought that up, since it's something they don't even think of much about anymore, so.. it can't hurt to mention. ] So she'd never seen one of our specific movies before this place. But she's been catching up.
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Jessica's cheer is only very slightly forced, and becomes less so as she continues to speak. That's right... she never was alone, was she? She still needs to pursue her goals here, but... she doesn't have to be perfect. Ange will accept her no matter what, right? And maybe some of the other friends she's made here will too. ]
Ooh, could we maybe see a movie from her world? But gooosh, there's so many good ones from ours! And I'm sure a lot of good movies have come out in the last 12 years, right?
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[ And no, she sure doesn't mean 'depressing' as in 'way too many'. If only. It's the opposite. After all, between living with Eva, being stuck in a remote catholic boarding school and then constantly being on the run, it's not like there was a lot of opportunities for cinema..
She shakes her head though.
Ange doesn't want to make this depressing. Not when Jessica has already had to deal enough with everything. So she tries to put a bit more of a positive spin on it as she continues to speak. ]
But I guess that means I have a lot to catch up on as well.
[ So that makes three of them who have to catch up on movies. Ange the lifeless, Jessica from Ye Olde Days and Ruby from another world entirely. It works, somehow. ]