deercountry | Forever's Gonna Start Tonight

[ Jessica quietly follows her cousin into the kitchen, her resistance momentarily broken. Or rather, perhaps she doesn't know what she was really resisting in the first place. Some image of herself that she held in her mind, perhaps? Or the thought that if she slowed down, she'd never be able to become the person that she wanted?

Maybe she was just looking away. Again. She sits down heavily, with a weary sigh. The awkward, crooked smile she gives Ange might seem familiar, if it wasn't for her washed out appearance. ]

Haha... I wonder how many times Ruby gave you this chat?

[ She stares at her hand, flexing her fingers. Unable to entirely force down the jealousy that rises when she thinks of Ange and her loving, stable relationship. Once she'd felt something like that about Sayo and George. How ironic. But that's not fair. Ange had to go through so much to get where she is, didn't she? She didn't have it any luckier than Jessica, not at all. ]

I know. I just... I feel messed up, like... it hurts. Feeling these things... They hurt. They make me feel... wrong.

How did you... get through it? How did you get here, Ange-chan?

[ .. boy. That sure is a question, isn't it.

And Ange knows the answer to it. She knows that it's exactly why she knows that all of this must be hard for Jessica - but talking about it feels difficult. Even moreso to her family, to the people who only remember that small, six year old girl. The exact people Ange worries so much about being a complete stranger to, even though they've always been in her heart, all these years.

She bites her lip, but then tries to act according to her own advice to others. Talking is important. Maybe it'll help Jessica to hear that she isn't the only one who struggles after arriving in such an odd place. ]

To me.. it seemed endless. That feeling you get when you first show up in a place like this. Feeling so powerless, so confused.. [ She shakes her head. ] I think I spent about half a year or so unable to get over it. I felt so lonely, and without a purpose. I didn't have anywhere to go, so I lived by myself, spending most of the day lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, wishing that there was a way for me to just.. die. Without being brought back. To let it all end.

[ She sucks in a breath, hands balling into fists as her nails dig into the palms of her hands. Ange knows she has to keep talking, but it's hard, and her chest feels so tight when she thinks back on that time. ]

It only changed when I let people in. Once I started to allow people to help me, instead of thinking that I had to somehow figure it all out by myself. Ruby.. [ .. since Jessica mentioned her just now too. ] She was one of the people who looked out for me consistently. Even if she might not have realised just how hard of a time I was having, since I didn't want to talk about it, she tried to make me have fun. And eventually I just-- I just let her do that to me, rather than resisting it. It's one of those things that finally started to make things feel lighter.

[ A deep exhale. ]

I guess what I'm trying to say is just.. that. That it's impossible in a place like this to do everything by yourself. It'll just make you more and more miserable. That's exactly why I think it's so important for all of us to help each other out.

[ Jessica had never heard everything from Ange, all of her challenges and heartbreak and loneliness. She didn't want to pry, didn't want to reopen old wounds for her cousin, who she knows has already suffered more than enough. But... lately she's been wondering if that was just a recurrence of her tendency to look away from things that hurt her. That the family that returned to Ange after so long was just a selfish fuck up.

But... she owes it to listen, to not let the feelings burning her heart to overpower the ability to simply sit and listen and be with somebody who needs her and whom she needs in turn. So she does. She still doesn't know all of Ange's story, but... she feels a sudden surge of pride in her, along with an outpouring of sympathy, something so raw and tragic that it hurts. ]

I'm... so sorry. That sounds really hard. I just want you to know, um... I know I've been like this lately, but I promise, you'll never be alone. I'll always be on your side, Ange-chan.

[ She reaches for Ange's hand across the table, feeling tears sting her own eyes. She really is stupid. Once again, her own need to escape her feelings, her own fantasies caused her to lose sight of the one who was beside her. The one who needed her. ]

If... you ever want to tell me everything, um... I'll listen. I promise.

But still, um... I just need to keep pushing on. If I don't, I don't know what will happen to me. Maybe that's just me running away again, though. Like I always do.

[ Ange is about to shake her head, about to tell Jessica that it's fine. That this isn't about her. That Ange actually really was doing better for a long while there, until everything got all screwed up just the other month.

But thankfully Jessica already moves on with what she's saying by herself, so Ange doesn't have to. That's one bit of relief in the middle of all these heavy topics. It's always so much easier for Ange to focus on other people than her own mess of emotions, personality and history. ]

Then do that.

[ She looks at Jessica as she says it, but her voice is still a little more gentle after all those emotions. ]

I'm not saying you can't. [ That's definitely not the point. ] If you think pushing on will help you, then do that. Go fight, if that's what you want. It can take time to figure out what helps you.

[ Because god knows that Ange still isn't over what happened in March either, and she would love to find out how to get over it herself, thanks. ]

Go out there and lean new things, or practice stuff you're interested in, or.. whatever. [ Anything Jessica wants!

(Words Ange might regret later on once the romance happens.) ]

.. just don't avoid everyone else in the process. I'm not just talking about me either. Just-- don't lose sight of people.

[ Jessica can tell that Ange is holding is holding back. No matter how naive she could be, or how she tried to rationalize it away, she's spent her whole life around people who withheld things. But... now isn't the time to ask. Not right yet.

She wipes her tears with the back of her hand, managing to meet Ange's eyes with her own, slit-pupiled and sunken and so very tired. ]

Sorry, I-I'm pretty stupid. This isn't helping me at all, but I'm... scared, I guess.

[ Scared of trusting again. Of slowing down and thinking too hard about what's happened to her. Of not being good enough. ]

I... saw Mom, in one of those portals. I couldn't even talk to her, but I saw her. She's... going to die, and I couldn't do anything about it.

[ She's so lonely. She wants everything that she was severed from, but there's no way to regain it. ]

But... I won't. I'll try.

[ Oh. That statement sure explains a lot more, huh. Ange hadn't even considered yet that this place had pushed Jessica in that particular sort of way just yet. ]

Your mom..? [ Apparently Ange hasn't encountered one of those portals yet herself, judging by the way she sounds a little surprised, but then she shakes her head.

The details don't matter. It sounds like something that could happen here, right? ]

Yeah, places like these.. do that sometimes. I can't tell you the sheer number of times I've seen mom or dad. [ Too many. And often dead. Ange wonders if Jessica saw her own mother alive in comparison because dead family is all Ange knows. ] But you never know, you know? Any of our family could wash up on these shores at this point. I gave up on that idea for the longest time, but..

[ .. well. ]

I've got living proof sitting right in front of me right now. So who's to say aunt Natsuhi or uncle Krauss couldn't show up too? [ Or Ange's own parents, or her big brother. Or any other part of their family. ]

[ It makes sense. Something about this world likes to poke and prod at people. Last month, there was the gauntlet through the catacombs, forcing her to dwell on her pain and flaws. There was that archway that brought her into a world of "what if" that still ended in tragedy. Both bringing her back into contact with Sayo, never letting her form any kind of conclusion in her feelings about her or the rest of her past.

Ange must have gone through so much. Even in a new world (two new worlds!) with a new life, with friends and family and a place to call home, even then she must have gone through all of this and more, having all her hurt excavated and thrown back at her. The strange forces in this world were bad enough, but Sayo ended up doing all of that in the cruelest way too.

Jessica knows her living complicated parents, who fought with her family, had terrible secrets, wanted her to be a person that she could never be happy being. Even with all that she knows, she misses them every day. She wants to see them again, to talk to them. But her voice will never reach. ]

Ange-chan, do you... think they're proud of me?

[ Imagining them here... it seems impossible. She has no idea how they'd cope with Trench, how they'd fit it into their worldviews. But maybe her perspective on them is still too limited. ]

I... I hope they do.

.. I think so.

[ Ange knows that the truth is probably more complicated than that. It's not like she knows Jessica's parents all that well in the first place, after all. Her own memories of them are so old and faint, and though she's since then learned a lot about them, it's not like it's ever been through personal experience. Who's to say whether or not the mental image she has of her aunt and uncle are accurate?

But even so.. she wants to believe. No matter how many messed up habits all of their parents have, they got to at least care about their kids. (Aunt Rosa aside, but that, along with Eva's treatment of Ange, is a complicated mess Ange doesn't even want to mentally touch.) ]

I know that your parents are kind of strict. [ Much more so than Ange's own parents. So much more. ] But when it comes down to it, especially under these extreme circumstances.. wouldn't they just want you to be happy?

[ Ange can - at the very least - not imagine them to be callous enough to not care about that.

And so, even though she can't be sure, she at least wants to say that to Jessica. To give the other some hope when Jessica seems to be struggling with enough already. ]

.. who knows, maybe uncle Krauss would be happy that you're joining him in his hobby.

[ She remembers seeing her mom in that portal, perhaps in a possible future before tragedy struck, perhaps in a world where it never did. Despite her rough speech, and the distance between them, her mother had seemed really happy to receive her gift, even though it was just a tiny trinket. She remembers her stern father, and how sometimes his eyes would light up and how she hoped that meant that he was proud of her.

She never felt like she measured up to their expectations. They both played a significant part in making that tragedy happen. But she misses them so badly. She wants them to be here. But she's already blessed to have Ange here. She mustn't turn away from that again. ]

Yeah... I think so.

[ Ange never had that, did she? She heard a bit from her how Eva had made her miserable, the hellish upbringing she went through. Once again, she's glad that she's now surrounded by people who love her. ]

I think maybe... he'd be proud of how much I've improved.

[ Even though Ange truly can't be sure of Jessica's parents' reaction to anything, she's still glad to see the other reach that conclusion here. To see Jessica have at least a little bit of hope that her father, or even her mother, might be proud of her.

They might never show up here, but if her cousin is already having such a hard time in this place, then.. maybe all Ange can do is keep some hope alive in the other's heart. Even if she can't be sure it's enough. ]

Um, Jessica onee-chan..

[ She starts, slowly. ]

Do you feel a bit better now..?

[ Ange knows that it can't have cured everything instantly. Jessica seemed to be dealing with too much for that. But she hopes that she can at least have made something a little lighter here. ]

[ Once again, she puts her hand on Ange's, trying to bridge the distance. She nods, smiles a small, tired smile. Ange had sustained herself for years, for better or worse, on the magic that somebody might come back. Jessica doesn't know if she can, but... maybe wanting to be who Ange wished for just made it harder for them. ]

Yeah, I think I do, Ange-chan.

[ And it felt better, seeing these things. Hearing these things. Even if there's so much more that she's not sure she should ever say. ]

We should talk more often.

[ This much is a relief, at least. Jessica could be lying about feeling even a tad better, but judging by the other's expression and that hand on her own, Ange doesn't think it's a lie.

.. or maybe she just desperately wishes that it isn't one. That she was able to help her cousin, someone so important to her, just a little bit. ]

Of course we should.

[ It's said in a way that's a little pouty. A way that might have been playful under other circumstances, even coming from Ange, but is a little more muted right now due to the heaviness of all the things they discussed.

Either way - she doesn't seem genuinely angry. Just pouty in the same way a little kid might be, and then even fainter. ]

You're the one who was avoiding me.

[ Seeing Ange's pout, stubborn and indignant and so very much like she remembers seeing on the face of a certain precocious five year old, actually brings a real smile to Jessica's face. Behind everything, the old Jessica is still there. ]

Haha, Sorry. I know that I've been like this but— [ She bites her lip, her tone suddenly shifting to something more serious. ] ...you're so, so important to me. You're irreplaceable. I love you so much, Ange-chan.

[ She gives her cousin's hand a squeeze, looking away awkwardly in a sudden fluster. Sheesh. Why do feelings have to be so hard. She clears her throat, trying to lighten the mood. ]

Would you wanna watch a movie or something, later? I know you've been to some of my shows, but lately we haven't had much chances to just hang out.

[ Oh.

.. Oh. Ange sure didn't see those sudden words coming, which means that her mind definitely needs a moment here to process them. It's not something she has heard very often in the first place. A little more in this place than she ever has back home, for sure, but it's still.. a lot.

What does she do? Address them? Not address them? Jessica looks flustered and moves on, so maybe she should do the same? ]

S-Sure.

[ Smooth, Ange. She's definitely flustered now too, and the suddenness of it all makes her have a hard time hiding it. ]

If you want to. Ruby and I have a whole collection of dumb action movies, if you'd want to watch one of those. [ They definitely seem to be Jessica's style - or so Ange thinks, anyway. And it's the sort of movie that Ange also likes watching, no matter whether or not she'd ever admit to that. ]

[ Jessica rubs the back of her neck, looking away. She meant every word of it, but it's still awkward to say all of that, especially after her grief and obsession with transcending her past almost pushed her away from her cousin. ]

Haha, heck yeah! "I'll be back." [ That is said in English. Whether it can be said to pass as an Austrian accent is impossible to say. ] I really like the Hong Kong movies, too! I wanted to be like Cynthia Rothrock when I grew up, hehe. What kinda movies does Ruby like?

[ Yeah. It was so easy to get caught up in that obsession that she forgot what it was even really about. Who she wanted to be stronger for. ]

Edited 2022-06-11 06:21 (UTC)

[ Wow, that's very straight of you to mention, Jessica.

Fortunately (for Jessica?) Ange lets it pass for the moment, instead just a little glad in her confirmation that she was absolutely right about the other girl's taste in movies. Thankfully things seem to be coming together here for once, even if it's just in this one very specific niche subject. ]

Ruby? She likes pretty much anything, as long as it involves a lot of fighting.

[ Maybe that's doing Ruby a little simple and dirty..

.. but only a little bit. It's mostly apt. ]

The world she comes from is really different from ours. [ Ange isn't too sure whether Ruby or anyone else in the house brought that up, since it's something they don't even think of much about anymore, so.. it can't hurt to mention. ] So she'd never seen one of our specific movies before this place. But she's been catching up.

[ Excuse you, Jessica's fervent admiration for cool, beautiful women is her business! But there sure are a few things that happened in her adolescence that she's starting to look at in a new light... oops.

Jessica's cheer is only very slightly forced, and becomes less so as she continues to speak. That's right... she never was alone, was she? She still needs to pursue her goals here, but... she doesn't have to be perfect. Ange will accept her no matter what, right? And maybe some of the other friends she's made here will too. ]

Ooh, could we maybe see a movie from her world? But gooosh, there's so many good ones from ours! And I'm sure a lot of good movies have come out in the last 12 years, right?

.. this is probably a bad time to mention that I've watched a depressing number of movies, huh.

[ And no, she sure doesn't mean 'depressing' as in 'way too many'. If only. It's the opposite. After all, between living with Eva, being stuck in a remote catholic boarding school and then constantly being on the run, it's not like there was a lot of opportunities for cinema..

She shakes her head though.

Ange doesn't want to make this depressing. Not when Jessica has already had to deal enough with everything. So she tries to put a bit more of a positive spin on it as she continues to speak. ]

But I guess that means I have a lot to catch up on as well.

[ So that makes three of them who have to catch up on movies. Ange the lifeless, Jessica from Ye Olde Days and Ruby from another world entirely. It works, somehow. ]

Forever's Gonna Start Tonight

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cw: talk of past suicidal ideation

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