deercountry | [006] Oh, When You're Gone Will They Say Your Name

Varian is a regular visitor to Airy's garden- providing what alchemical solutions he can to help her trees grow as healthily as possible in the hostile environment of Trench. It's needed even more this month, with the constant nighttime and all. He's on one of these visits when he catches sight of Orpheus. He hasn't seen his friend since the whole monsterdom thing and immediately runs over.

He can guess why Orpheus is so bundled up, he did the same thing with his corruption, after all, and he's realising it's not as stealthy as he thought it was, looking at this now.

"Orpheus! You're- you're up and about! I'm so glad to see you."

"Oh, hi, Varian!" says Orpheus, tucking a stray strand of hair under his hat as he looks up. He sounds absolutely exhausted, and looks it too, dark circles under his eyes from sleeping incredibly poorly since he came back from that tiny island out in the ocean. He tries to muster the energy to come across as excited to see his friend, though, because he is, really, but it's maybe a little strained.

"It's good to see you, too. Are you - um. I guess you heard about what happened?"

He really doesn't look great at all and that leaves a heavy thread of worry in Varian's chest. But he knows this sort of thing isn't an overnight cure. Hell, with Eurydice gone, some of that wound might not ever properly heal again- he can understand that much.

At the question, he clears his throat, shifting awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yeaaaah. I uh- I tried to help you, but I kinda got...caught up with the whole siren song and went into the ocean," then quickly- "Don't worry! I'm okay! Luca caught me, but it took a while for me to fix my leg again."

He doesn't want Orpheus to add him to the guilt he's probably dealing with now.

"...I'm sorry it happened. I- how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Oh," says Orpheus, grimacing and starting to apologize before Varian heads him off with his explanation, that Luca was able to get him out of the water before things got as bad as they could've been. "Well, um. I'm glad you were able to fix your leg, at least."

He still looks pretty concerned and upset and apologetic, but he's learning by now that trying to say he's sorry over and over again just makes everyone feel worse, so he does is best to refrain.

"I'm... not good," he admits. "But I think I'm about as okay as I can be, right now? It's, um. It's nice, being outside again. Seeing people. Not that people weren't visiting me when I was staying home, but..."

He didn't always answer the door when they came, for one thing. Which he feels bad about, but now he's out and about and making himself actually talk to his friends again. It's hard, but it's for the better.

"Yeah, it wasn't a big deal. I was just- I should have prepared better. I didn't factor in your blood and that was my mistake."

He's glad for the lack of over-apologising. None of this was Orpheus' fault, and he would stand by that with everything he had. It's...weirdly good to hear Orpheus admit he's not doing well. He's not GLAD his friend is still hurting, but being open and honest about it is the way forward to healing.

"I think that's- that's the best you can be? Okay as you can right now?" he tries to offer an encouraging smile, even if it's still lined with worry. "It's...good that you can talk about it. Talking- talking helps. I'm always here to listen for...for that."

"My blood?" Orpheus echoes, brows furrowing slightly with confusion. He's not sure how that's relevant here, but it doesn't sound good.

Either way, he nods at that next part, worrying his lip. "The last thing I remember before, um, all of that is Vyng trying to talk me down while I just... panicked, and tried to push down everything I was feeling instead of think about it. I'm pretty sure that's what started everything."

He shudders, remembering the sensation of his bones rearranging themselves, and shakes his head.

"I guess you'd know about that too, though. And what helps most, after."

"Hmmm- you're a paleblood, right? I think that...amplified your whole...song thing."

That tracks from what Vyng told him and he nods, still worried for his friend.

"Yeah that's- that's pretty much what happened to me. I didn't want to bother anyone with what I was feelings so I just pushed it all down and then Fern died and-" he chews his lip, he still doesn't like thinking about it, he still wants to shut down about it even if he knows that's the worst choice to make. "I just snapped, I guess. So yeah, I really do get it, Orpheus."

He wishes none of them had to go through it, but at least he can help now, with this experience, terrible as it was.

"I do, and I'm here to help you with what I can, okay? I won't judge, I promise."

And he always means it when he makes a promise.

"Oh. I guess that would make sense," says Orpheus, frowning. Something clicks into place in his mind - Varian being a coldblood, and his beast form breathing fire. Somehow he hadn't made the connection until just now.

"There's just... a lot, that I've been trying not to feel, for a really long time," he admits, looking down at his hands. "I did get to talk to Eurydice about some of it, and that made it better, but... "

He breathes out, a long, slow exhale as he gathers his thoughts and his courage. It's hard to admit any of this, but he guesses Varian will probably understand, given some of the things he's been through.

"She left me, before. Or, she didn't leave me, it wasn't about me." He grimaces, already feeling bad for phrasing it that way, for making it about himself. "She left everything behind. Going to the underworld was her choice, because she thought it was that or die long and slow without enough food or firewood to last us the winter. And she was probably right, but. I was mad at her for going, and I knew it was unfair but I couldn't stop, so I just... pretended I wasn't. And then she left again, and this time it wasn't even her choice, but I just got so angry -"

Shaking his head, he takes a moment to put his face in his hands, taking another deep breath.

"Isn't that awful? After all of this - after I promised her a safe home to come back to, after I spent the winter working on my song instead of helping her, after I looked back - me being mad at her? What right do I have?"

Varian definitely understands, and he falls quiet as Orpheus speaks, not interrupting. He already knows the guilt that his friend carried with him for turning around, for failing Hades' test. Varian will stand by forever that it's something Orpheus shouldn't blame himself for- that it was a simple mistake that had devastating consequences. But he also knows from experience that guilt...doesn't work that way. That no matter how many times your loved ones tell you that you shouldn't beat yourself up for your past mistakes, that you're allowed to heal and allow yourself room to grow...well. It just doesn't work like that.

"I don't think it's awful, Orpheus," he says it gently. "I think you were just hurt that you were left alone, and that's- that's understandable. Even when you know she didn't have any control over it, both- both here and home...loss hurts. Learning someone you care about is just- just gone is the kind of pain that sticks with you."

He will never forget finding his dad trapped in the amber. How it felt like the world had been ripped out from under him.

"It's normal to be angry. It's- it's not really being angry at her, it's being angry at the situation. It's just that it happened to focus on the person that's missing because where else can you point it? Especially here- it's not like you can pinpoint whoever...whatever it is that sends people home and get back at them."

"Oh," says Orpheus, frowning slightly and looking back at his hands as what Varian has to say sinks in. Is it that he's not really angry at Eurydice? Certainly he doesn't want to be, and Varian's explanation makes sense, that it's just gotten twisted around in his head and the echoing refrain of how unfair it all is isn't about her but the situations they keep finding themselves in, but part of him feels like that's... cheating. Like he's trying to grab for any way to make him feel like a better person than he really is.

But he told Ange before that he was going to trust his friends' judgments of him, their advice and their concerns, so he does his best to think on that.

"That makes sense," he says, quietly. "I still don't like being this angry about... anything. It feels worse than the grief - or, the other parts, of the grief? But I'll try to think of it that way."

He looks up, again.

"Thank you. I don't... really know what to do with myself now, but. I'm glad you're here. You and everyone else who tried to help."

"I can get that- that it's hard to be angry. Like...like it feels like it's a wrong emotion. Like it's one that can do break damage? And it can, obviously," a lot of terrible things have happened because someone let their anger get the better of them, Varian is living proof of that. "But it's an important part of getting better, too? I think trying to ignore or push down your anger...probably will only make things worse in the long run. So it's good that you're letting yourself feel it. And you're- you're not hurting anyone with it."

That's important, too. He offers Orpheus a weak smile.

"Hey, anytime. I'm always happy to listen to anything you need to talk about."

Fern is endlessly glad to see Orpheus mostly back to normal, and not staying holed up even though the darkness really leaves something to be desired. He's out at Airy's garden today too, to check on the trees and see how they're fairing without natural sunlight. He's got his growlight parasol with him, in case that could help any of them.

When he sees Orpheus he immediately makes a beeline over to him, relieved and a little bit nervous. "Hey, man. How're you holding up?"

Orpheus looks up from where he'd been staring into the flickering flame of one of the little tealights set out in the garden and waves, smiling. It's a little weak - he looks absolutely exhausted - but it's genuine.

"Hi, Fern," he says. "I'm, um. Better. Still not good. I don't think I'll be good again for a long time?" Maybe not ever, insists some dramatic and maudlin part of him that he shoves down carefully before continuing. "But I'm better."

And that's really as much as he can ask for right now. He gestures at the seat across from him at the table.

"Want to sit for a while?"

That smile is better than nothing, and Fern returns it encouragingly. He gives a nod at that answer, because it's also better than nothing. Given everything that happen, better is still very good right now.

"I get it," he responds. "Sure, cool."

He takes a seat next to Orpheus, looking around at the trees, absently spinning his parasol in his hands. "The trees are doing pretty good. Ariadne really puts her everything into taking care of 'em."

"She does," says Orpheus, glancing around. "They're like friends to her. I'm glad they came here with us." Even if he's not sure how they or really any of the other structures of Deerington got here. It's a blessing he isn't going to question too much.

And speaking of friends, and blessings - Orpheus looks back at Fern and hesitates for a moment, before saying;

"Um, thanks, by the way. For coming to visit me when I was..." He pauses, unsure of how to phrase it and uncomfortable putting it into words, and the lapse drags on long enough to be awkward but he's pretty sure Fern knows what he means, so he moves on. "I don't remember a lot of what happened, but. I'm pretty sure it helped. A lot."

Fern nods softly. If anyone was going to take good care of a grove of trees in this city, it's going to be Airy. She's kind and compassionate, and it's reflected in the love the trees have for her. And it's much better that the trees are here, than staying stuck in the crumbling dream.

He glances over at the gratitude, surprised. Without any hesitation, he's going to reach over and hug Orpheus. Sorry guy, it sounds like he needs it. "You're my friend, dude. There was no way I wasn't gonna help you when you needed it the most."

"Right," says Orpheus, not surprised by Fern's response in the least but touched all the same. He returns the hug, patting him on the back. "It was still good of you to do, though. You're a good friend."

It feels a little like stating the obvious, but Orpheus does realize that that sort of thing isn't necessarily always obvious to Fern, and he's the one who needs to hear it most, so it bears saying. Orpheus pulls back at and smiles at him, fighting the urge to apologize for causing trouble. He is sorry, but he's also pretty sure that's not what Fern wants from him.

"I just... I think I'd still be out there, if it weren't for you and everyone else who came to see me. It means a lot." It means the world, that people were willing to risk themselves over him. Like he said, he doesn't remember much, but he wasn't hurt at all when he returned to himself. No one attacked him, from what he can tell. Everyone had just come to talk. He's sort of blown away by it.

Compliments are still a thing he feels a little embarrassed about, like he doesn't really deserve them, but he's gotten much better at accepting them these days. With a slightly awkward grin he nods, doing just that before sitting back.

It doesn't surprise him to hear that's what Orpheus thinks. He probably would be, honestly. Losing someone like Eurydice isn't something a person comes back easily from, not without all the love and support from friends and family. If he had no one then what would have been the point in coming back?

"I get it. I would've done the exact same thing if Varian had left," he says slowly. "I know it sounds dumb, but - but you're really strong for coming back. Staying a beast would've been easier than this, even though I don't think it would've been right."

"Thanks," says Orpheus, smiling weakly. "It would've been easier. It wasn't, um, fun, being like that? But it was really easy, just... being all alone and angry at myself and everything else, and not trying to see the good in anything."

Even now it's a struggle not to sink back into that, shut himself inside and castigate himself over every little thing he could've done differently day and night. But he's trying, and he's here, and talking to Fern, and he feels the slightest bit better for it already.

He sighs.

"I tried to do something like that before," he admits, glancing away. "Not, um. Drowning people, but running away from everyone who was trying to help me, after I came out of the Underworld and Eurydice didn't. I didn't think I deserved their sympathy, and I didn't want it. That's actually what I was doing, when I wound up in Deerington? Running."

Shaking his head, he looks back at Fern.

"But there was nowhere to run, there, and people kept trying to help me after seeing me at my worst, and, um. I guess I have a new 'worst' now, but you're all still here for me, and that's - it doesn't make things okay, but it makes them easier."

Fern nods softly, quiet as Orpheus talks. Oh, does he ever know what that's like. He hasn't been unlucky enough to fall to beasthood here, but he did spend a significant amount of time in Ooo being alone and angry at everyone and everything.

"I'm glad it does," he says slowly. "That's - that's kinda how Deerington was for me, too. When I first showed up there I had just... tried to do something really awful, and I hated myself a lot. I didn't think I deserved any sympathy either."

He can't exactly say he likes himself now, and that all of that has been fixed, but he's improved. He's getting there. And he snorts. "The first thing I did in Deerington was trash the house I woke up in. It was dumb. If it wasn't for all the people there and here I think I'd still be like that. Heck, probably worse."

He grins up at Orpheus. "So it's awesome that I can do this for you."

"It is awesome," says Orpheus, smiling. "It's - I don't think Trench will ever really feel like home, without Eurydice, but knowing that there are so many people here who were willing to put themselves in danger to help me means... more than I can say. I still don't really know what I'm going to do with myself, now? But I know if I need help with whatever I decide, I'll be able to find it."

His smile falters, a little, and he looks down at his hands on the table in front of him.

"It's just hard making decisions right now. Thinking of the future, knowing she probably won't be there. I know she wouldn't want me to just... stop, because of her, so I'll figure something out sooner or later? But for now I'm just. Taking it one day at a time, I guess."

Yeah, that makes sense to him. If Varian wasn't here he doesn't think he'd have the same homey feelings about Trench as he does. The place isn't important, it's the people who you're with, and if you're missing that person in your life it doesn't matter where you are, that place is never going to feel fully like home.

"Okay, cool. One day at a time," he echoes. "And if you gotta do more than that and need help, all you gotta do is ask. We're all here for you, dude. If that means helping you with big decisions before you're ready for 'em, then - uh, well, I'll do my best. I'm just not super great at that kind of stuff."

"Thanks," says Orpheus. "I appreciate that? I've never been all that good at planning for the future either, honestly. That was, um. That was something Eurydice was better at."

He winces a little, then sighs.

"I guess I don't have to worry about working for a while, at least. We had a lot of food stockpiled in case the winter was bad, or we needed to help someone, and there's... just me, now, so it'll last a little longer." Hm. This thought isn't as comforting as it seemed when he started talking. Shaking his head, he pushes on. "The places I used to work will probably take me back? But I don't... know if I have it in me to sing for people, like I was before. It just feels like there's a hole in me every time I think about trying."

"Yeaahhh, same. Always been a wingin' it guy. Varian's the planner."

Varian is a much, much better planner than he could ever hope to be.

"Then you don't gotta sing," Fern says hurriedly. "If you run low on food or whatever we can help you out. Don't forget, dude, I'm awesome at growing stuff. You're not gonna starve."

[Tinya generally didn't spend much time in Crenshaw, but she'd been visiting a shop. now that that had been taken care of, she's on her way back to Cellar Door, but something grabs her eye.

four--four!--batcats and Orpheus singing on the rooftop. lucky for her that she understands french (it was almost a requirement of living in France for a year, they were still resisting the edict stating that Interlac would be the standard language of Earth, just as it was on other worlds, but to Tinya's ear, Interlac sounded vaguely clunky. and Bgztlian had too many consonants, enough consonants to rival the Slavic languages.

the song is beautiful and she waits for him to finish before calling up to him]

Bravo! Ta chanson était belle. Mais, si je peux me permettre... comment allez-vous ?

Je me rends compte que c'est probablement indiscret, alors n'hésitez pas à me dire de me taire.

[ Orpheus starts a little when he hears a voice calling up to him from below, sitting up straighter on the roof as he cranes his neck to look. The batcats, too, seem intrigued, raising their heads from their various lounging positions and looking on with shining eyes. ]

What? [ he calls back, resettling Argonaut in his lap. It takes him a second to catch up with just why he didn't understand what was said to him, but when it does he hurries to add; ] Oh! Um, I don't actually speak French? I just learned the song by sound.

[ And it probably shows, from his accent. His pronunciation was good, but it had that slightly off quality to it that comes from someone having memorized the phonetics of a phrase without really understanding the individual words. ]

[she knows she's very tasty to batcats, though she's trying to wean her batkitten off of her and onto large rodents and other vermin. and she adores batcats, so to have four of them was really impressive]

Oh. [she sees Argonaut's soft glow from the ground] Sorry about that! I was mostly telling you that the song was beautiful and asking how you were doing.

[she feels that she probably should have known in retrospect, but she was so thrilled to hear French, she wasn't thinking]

Oh! Thanks, I learned it a long time ago. [ He sets Argonaut down next to him and shifts slightly, scooting along the slope of the roof until he's sitting on the edge, so as to not have to shout quite as far to talk to Tinya. ] And I'm, um. I'm not doing well? But - you were one of the people who visited me last month, right? I'm better than I was then, at least.

[ That much is probably apparent, but he feels like it's worth stating. ]

Um. Thank you, by the way. I don't remember a lot of what was going on then, but I'm pretty sure you were there, right?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Where I'm from, the only places which actually use French other than Interlac are Quebec and France itself. And ballet dancers. [she looks up at him, smiling warmly] No, I'd expect not...but I was, yes. I'm glad you're doing better.

[yes, she'd certainly do the same in his shoes. she's already lost one person and it's been only four months. but can she claim to be upset since he was only a version of someone she already knew?]

Yes. And you don't need to thank me, I wanted to help.

You did. [ he says, nodding. ] Help, I mean. I'd still be out there if it hadn't been for all the people who came to see me.

[ And he smiles at her, though it fades to a more thoughtful and melancholy expression quickly. One of the batcats - a great fluffy white one - notices a vacancy on Orpheus's lap and ambles over to fill it, flopping over on his legs and shoving its head under his hand. He pets it absentmindedly. ]

I'm just... sorry you didn't get to meet Eurydice, like we talked about. You would've liked her, I think.

Then I'm glad I did. And that many others did as well. I think we can all understand why everything happened, it's...hard to lose those we love. Whether we're back home or here or anywhere else.

[she smiles back gently. and awwww, a fluffy batcat! she doesn't think she'll ever tire of seeing batcats around. but when his expression changes, she looks a little worried while still smiling]

I'm sure I would have. I'm sorry that we didn't get to meet, too.

It is. Hard. I still feel bad about it, though? Especially since, um. I don't think any Sleepers drowned because of me, but if they did... we come back. Most of the other citizens of Trench don't, and if any of them wound up out there because of me, I'd have no way of knowing?

[ He looks aside, stroking along the batcat's back. ]

I know I wasn't really myself, though, and that I can't go back and fix anything that happened. So I'm just trying not to, um. Obsess over it.

I'd think that the citizens of Trench wouldn't get involved. They--they don't really seem to? At least as far as I can tell. Our lives and theirs seem to be pretty separate. I haven't heard of any citizens getting dragged down into the catacombs or anything like that. So I'm sure you're fine.

[batcats are awfully good for things like that]

...probably a good idea. Obsessing over the bad doesn't do anyone any good, least of all yourself. [says the queen of Everything is Fine]

[ Orpheus nods slowly. Behind him, Argonaut seems to wake up from his nap, standing up on his six fuzzy legs and ambling down the slope of the roof to look at Tinya. He raises a forelimb in greeting, before silently settling down next to Orpheus. ]

I hope you're right, [ says Orpheus, frowning. ] But, um. How have you been doing? And, what was that about catacombs?

[she can't help but let loose a little coo at Argonaut, waving back with a warm smile on her face. the other Pthumerians weird her out a little, but Argonaut seems to be a sweetheart]

So do I. [she tries to look calm] ...oh, not much worth mentioning. But I did finish moving into my house, I'll have to invite you over sometime, though I call it The Maze for a reason.

Oh? Why's that?

[ Asks Orpheus, glancing aside momentarily at Argonaut and patting him on the fuzzy thorax, between his wings before looking back at Tinya. ]

I'd be happy to come over if you'd have me, though. I think it's good for me to be around people right now.

Because it's nearly impossible to find your way around. There are half-flights of stairs and even though it looks like it's only two stories from the outside, it's more like two and a half? Or maybe three, it's really hard to tell. But my kittens and Carmilla and Moonlight are able to find their ways around just fine.

[Argonauuuuuuut. just the sight of Argonaut is enough to make her melt. that and be glad that her birthday and Blessed Day were in April]

I'd love that! I'd be happy to show you around, it really is a gorgeous house, despite the confusion.

Oh? That's strange. I wonder why someone would build something that way? And how.

[ Darkblood powers, maybe? Or maybe something stronger. He knows the Pthumerians are more than capable of shuffling space around like that, and have eccentric ideas about all sorts of things. ]

That sounds great, though. Oh, but, would you like to come inside? I can get off the roof and let you in, if you want to stay a while. [ He glances at Argonaut. ] You wouldn't mind, would you?

No idea. Maybe it's something of a challenge to its residents. "If you can figure me out, you can live here," and so on. I can find my way well enough now, but there were a couple of times where I was grateful for padded chairs.

[she wouldn't even begin to guess unless the guessing was the point. like a puzzle-box in the shape of a house. if it were that, she'd approve]

I'd love to come inside and stay a while. Just so long as it's okay with Argonaut. [she flashed him a bright smile]

Vyng quietly settles down on a bench, sliding next to Orpheus.

The resting guitar isn't lost on him. At the same time, he respects the need for quiet. It's a necessary ingredient for serious soul-searching and introspection. For Vyng, this month has been a constant exercise in creating space for the uglier feelings locked inside his chest. So he empathizes.

In fact, he doesn't break the silence right away...because he doesn't feel the need to. There's plenty a person can say without uttering a single word. So Vyng simply sits next to his friend in an act of solidarity, his own scarred hands clasped between his knees.

The silence is appreciated. Orpheus wouldn't have been upset by any means if Vyng had started out by trying to talk to him, but sometimes it's nice to just sit quietly, and he nods to him in greeting before leaning back and staring up at the nearly perpetual gray cloud cover rolling by overhead.

It's a while before he says anything, but when he does eventually break the silence, it's quiet and a little hesitant.

"Um," he says, after rolling just what he wants to say over and over in his mind a few times. "Thank you. For... trying to help me. And for telling everyone what was going on. And I'm sorry. It wasn't anything you did, or didn't do, that caused any of that."

He's been trying not to apologize too much for any of what happened, given the consensus seems to be that he wasn't fully in control of himself at the time, but he figures if anyone here deserves an apology from him, it's Vyng.

"Aw, buddy." Vyng turns to look at him, a small frown tugging at his lips. "You don't have anything to apologize for. You were hurting. The corruption got into your bloodstream. You beasted out. It happens."

The man lost his wife, for crying out loud. People have done crazier things for love. And once Orpheus lost grasp on his own humanity, no single magic phrase or pithy saying was going to bring him back. Vyng understands that now.

"Besides." He gently clasps Orpheus on the shoulder. "You would've still tried to help if our places had been swapped. Right?"

"Of course," he says, quietly. "That doesn't mean I can't be grateful, though. And sorry. It's - no one seems to think it was my fault, but... It wouldn't feel right, if I didn't apologize."

He's been fighting back the urge to tell everyone he's talked to so far that he's sorry, knowing that it's not what they're looking for - but this is for him. His own catharsis. He just needs to get it out of his system, is all.

"I'm... better now. Not good, but. Better." It still feels like the world is coming down around him, but he's able to sit calmly and let it wash over him instead of trying to fight every second against a reality he can't control. It doesn't feel anything resembling okay, but it's not lashing out or hurting other people, at least.

That's fair. Vyng himself will apologize for things, even when Tuck says he doesn't need to. So, he understands needing that emotional closure.

"'Better' is good," he softly says with a nod. "Recovery isn't a straight line. Some days will be rough, others...less rough. But it sounds like you're trying to take things one day at a time."

[006] Oh, When You're Gone Will They Say Your Name

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cw: suicidal themes, talk of death by starvation/exposure

cw: suicidal themes, talk of death by starvation/exposure

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II. Oh when you're gone we won't say a word

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so sorry for the delay!!!

no worries!

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