deercountry | you're never coming back

Who: Zib and maybe even you! This is an OPEN log for everyone who wants to get involved /o/
What: Mostly studying butterflies and skeletons, and then beast hood shenanigans thanks to the portals from the event
When: During the month of April
Where: Tends to hang out around Disaster House, but the prompt with beast corruption will be throughout Trench, see inside for further details

Content Warnings: despair/potential suicidal ideation because of the butterflies, skeletons(???), paranoia/hallucinations, obsession, insect/alien body horror per beast hood corruption, parental neglect, will add more if they come up

[So Zib has been... well, not well. He's been showing some signs of undergoing the corruption that others have here and there in the form of the extra green arms he's been walking around with lately, and with some strange lines that have formed against his face, arms, anywhere that he allows any skin to expose that take the shape of something reminiscent of spider-web cracks.

Like as if his body is merely a cocoon and something is bursting at the seams waiting for the right type to hatch.

But, thankfully, Zib had started out being at least semi-aware that he was very much stretching the definition of being "okay" in any way, shape, or form. He's told a few people about it rather than hiding it, at least, and has tried to find things that he actually enjoys to see if it helps any or at least serves as a nice enough distraction for now.

However... it seems that April has other ideas.]

[ooc: Toplevels with what's happening with Zib will be below with their own headers! They're all mostly related to the event, but if you want a closed thread with Zib that falls outside of the prompts offered, hit me up and I'll make it happen! I've also got Zib's plotting stuff for the event over here that you're free to go to for info or hit me up on as well!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What do looks have to do with it? Do you think most of us look the same as we did back home? I know I don't! I used to be more naive, I used to not know what death was like up close! Things change, life changes, you get over it! More often than not, that means redefining the you that you are now.

[She gave Zib a long look].

You are NOT Zim. I heard Zim, saw him. If anything, the reason you're not him is because of how much of yourself you give to make sure what he is and represents doesn't hurt other people. That's about the most unZim thing you could be if I had to make an estimation. If finding him is frustrating, I can agree. he seems like a very frustrating person. But I won't have you saying that you're going to be anything close to him other than looking less like Dib. You're still you, no matter what!

[As it turns out, this was something Luz had had to struggle with herself].

You... you really think so?

[For a moment, Zib actually seems taken aback, clearly not having expected Luz to defend him like that. He's not used to anyone speaking positively of him, for that matter, and for a moment, it keeps what little hope he had from completely fading away in the presence of the butterfly still looming nearby as he looks down, eyes beginning to water a little.]

Everyone back home hated me... even the other version of me thought that I wasn't really human anymore. That I was too much like Zim to be seen as anything else.

[He's actually not referring to the skeleton nearby, but he doesn't clarify that as he reaches up to swipe at his face miserably.]

But that's... that's really nice of you to say. It's kind of a relief, that there's at least one person who doesn't think that about me.

Yes. I really do.

[Sure, there were questionable things that he did. Luz could see that every world wasn't the same: some had people that listened, some had dystopia, and some? Some worlds were full of the apathetic, people that were perfectly fine having other people suffer so long as it was not them. She could envision a world that had someone as crazy as Zim take it over, because in her world, she saw it. It wasn't surprising that someone like Dib would be pushed to the extremes, because the only other option was seeing his world destroyed].

Well that's him and that's them. What matters is how you see your own self, isn't it? You're the only one you need to answer for, and you're trying to save your worlds. At least you're around people who're also as dedicated to saving lives as you are.

[She was sure a lot of people here did feel that way even if not all of them did].

Most of the people in that house care about you, Zib. I'm pretty confident in saying it's not only me.

[At that, Zib manages a small smile.]

Thank you, Luz. That really means a lot to me... I really appreciate--

[And then he pauses, before he turns to glare suddenly at the skeleton.]

--Hey, we're having a nice moment here. Stop trying to interrupt with your negativity, no one wants to hear it right now.

[Guess he still has... that to deal with, but at least he seems to be trying not to listen to whatever it's saying now.]

I mean every last word too.

[And she did! Too bad it was ruined by...internal monologuing dead Dib]?

Yeah, don't give us any negativity, dead Dib! I'm dropping some knowledge that's truthful!

... Hang on, I've got an idea.

[Zib looks around them for a moment, until he spots a blanket he was using to keep warm while sitting outside... and proceeds to take it and throw it onto the skeleton to cover it, putting it out of view.

... Because that's totally a way to deal with one's problems: throw a blanket over it!]

There. Now he has to stay under there until he can contribute more meaningful insights to the conversation.

[Ok, with most people, they would have pointed out that this was not an effective way to deal with one's demons and that postponing things like this was just putting off necessary self-reflection.

Fortunately for Zib, Luz has periods where she does this very thing! So she's not going to comment on that. Besides, Luz had been doing her best to get him out of the influence of the butterflies, and it worked]!

I don't know if I'd like seeing a dead version of me trying to tell me about my faults. The last time THAT happened, it was pretty messed up."

Yup, having a jaded version of herself die in front of her was totally not traumatizing and definitely did not happen at a time when Luz was already feeling vulnerable and disconnected, no indeed]!

You've had that happen before too?

[Good to know that dealing with a dead version of yourself is not... a mutually exclusive thing to him?]

Yeah. Back in the old town we wound up in. I think Varian or Dipper might have been with me when it happened, the memory's hazy when nightmares on nightmares happen and the people who see them blur. The trauma though? That comes in clear.

[It sounded a tad dramatic, but Luz meant every word].

Back there there was an older, jaded me. She forgot how to be anything like who I was. She was half crazy with disdain and, well, longing. She knew she lost her way, saw me, and was jealous.

At the time, I was scared that I might be like her, that I'd forget who I was and just be bitter and barely living.

[Now, she knew better. Now she understood that becoming like that was all about the decisions you made, and how much you thought they actually mattered].

Oh...

[For a moment, he wonders if maybe that right there was the exact reason the other Dib he met before arriving in Trench had ultimately turned on him: because Zib was the jaded, bitter, jealous one in comparison to them.

And maybe Dib had actually been afraid of turning out to be like Zib someday too, like how Luz had been afraid of that other version of herself she described.]

[Luz noticed that look and was concerned].

Penny for your thoughts, Zib.

[He hesitates for a moment, before he relents.]

I was just thinking... that I might understand how both of you felt. You and the other one that you described, I think. That maybe I'm the one who has been jealous this whole time. At least, based on my own interactions with other versions of me.

Is that bad?

Not really.

I admit I felt pretty reluctant to be anything like that older version of me, but at the same time? She existed to serve the purpose of keeping the Sleepers safe, even if meant warping her a little bit. You, you're trying to make the world safer without having Zim be a threat to it. That means getting closer to him in a way you might not want, but its still admirable.

Of course you might feel jealous that other version of you got to stay "untouched." You had to go through things he'll never know.

Yeah, exactly.

[A pause, before he gives one of those self-deprecating smiles of his.]

Maybe if we're lucky, the one I met that's still alive won't end up like me now that he's gotta know what kind of future he might have.

[Luz was beginning to understand Zib a little more, and now she wanted to make sure that he valued himself as much as he ought to. It was hard, to go to a world where your very own purpose was thrown into question.

Oh boy. That smile looked way too familiar].

That's his own timeline. If I know you, you don't get to have that luxury, and you have your own goals to worry about.

you're never coming back

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