( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[ezra_of_lothal]

Exactly.

Where to? [No, he is not leaving Obi-wan's side right now. Not until Obi-wan indicates he should, probably.]

[jedies]

[ it was so tempting to say his bed. to lay down his head. to let it fill with cotton. he bites on his lip, hard enough to draw blood. ]

Take me to the garden.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra's just...not commenting on the low level self harm going on there. He's picking his battles. And the garden sounds like a good choice.]

Alright.

[Lightly-] I've been planting vegetables and herbs, next to what's there, since the sun came back.

[jedies]

That — [ he struggles, trying not to make light of it, trying to remember himself. ] — That is lovely, Ezra. Truly.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He breaks into a real smile, warmed by the praise.]

Thanks. And I'll be helping Raleigh - Raleigh Beckett? At his farm outside town, a couple of days a week.

Between that and helping at the orphanage and keeping up with my own studies, and other things as they come up, I think I'm getting a decent routine together.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan lets the words wash over him, but his attention is distant. unfocused. still, he tries his best. ]

I'm glad. Routine is . . . beneficial.

[ what was his routine on tatooine? he can't remember. or perhaps he hadn't established one yet. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

Well, it is for me. Wouldn't have made it, the years I was on my own, without it.

[And once they are outside, behind the house-]

Sitting? Or, hmm, what about slow open-handed katas? [Just a thought.]

[jedies]

Sitting. I doubt I can manage katas at the moment.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Gotcha. [Supporting as they pick a spot and lower themselves back down to the ground, it is.]

[jedies]

[ he sits down, crossing his legs with a sigh. he can't release all into the force. not immediately. it's too much and it would have consequences to those around him.

breathe. let it flow.

but it comes back with thunder and he clenches his fist. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He settles back into the kneeling pose he's been in when Obi-wan woke up. He can sense the edges of the turmoil beside him, but for the moment, he doesn't outwardly react. He focuses on his breath. On opening to the Force like the daisies he loves so much, that he taught hiselfm a simple sort of meditation, sitting with, when he was a child in grief and solitude on the plains of Lothal.

He can't entirely hide his sadness for Obi-wan. His concern. The ripples of anxiety. But he can try to be warm light, despite all that, here with Obi-wan Kenobi.]

[jedies]

[ the light, the light. how it beckons, how it sings. in his ears, all he hears is the ringing. the fire and the smog. the screaming. oh, how anakin screamed. how the world burned. and then he was on tatooine, feeling the twin suns upon his back. he bows his head under the weight of it all.

and yet. it must be felt. it must touch every part, every bone before he is made to pass through it. so in the end, only he will remain.

it is both a welcoming and terrifying prospect to face. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra shivers, less directly picking up what Obi-wan is remembering and more sensing flickers of empathic resonance, which in turn summons up his own memories of borrowed memories.

You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!

He lets the memory pass through him, and morph into one of a quieter, softer confrontation, on a street corner inside a reality altering spell, while living shadows gathered around.

Ezra, you are my brother, and I love you.

All these memories are true, and part of him, in a way. But none of it is here and now. Let them rest, quietly tucked away in his heart. Let the fear of pain, that he's been bracing against seeing, from the moment he first saw Obi-wan as he was, here in Trench, go. Let the fear of that pain arriving somehow leading to rejection go, too.

Or at least, come closer to letting those feelings go. It is, after all, a process, just as Obi-wan working through his own pain and grief is.]

[jedies]

[ fear strikes at the heart. nothing less would do. he hasn't wept since — since qui-gon has passed. he remembers, even now, the gentle trace of his finger over his cheek. he must have seen obi-wan's tears for obi-wan cannot recall them being there at all.

tears are not a hardship. they are not a shame. and yet they do not come, here in the howling maelstrom of his heart. his fingers tighten over his knees and dig into his skin. but they slowly untighten, inch by inch.

the light swirls but he can't. he can't. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He can't miss the tension and conflict swirling in Obi-wan. This is a battle he can't face on Obi-wan's behalf, as much as he might wish otherwise. He cannot fix any of this.

But maybe he can help make it just a little easier? In a murmur-]

I know our bond is...new. But I've had bonds with, um, survivors, for years. [Obi-wan's struggle may more fresh and acute, and particularly his, yes. But Ezra sincerely believes that bearing witness to the results of the Purge is, for him, not a new burden. It could never be a purely happy burden, but it's one he's chosen freely, with love and joy, to continue the legacy of the Jedi.]

If leaning into ours will help, at all, do that, please. You have my permission.

[jedies]

I — I am not ready.

[ his voice is soft. it dies out the moment it speaks, not even a whisper.

but his reply comes back, a little stronger. not gone. not erased. ]

Not yet.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He finds he's not surprised.

Firmly-]

Ok. Permission stands, then.

[jedies]

I know.

[ he sighs. ]

It'll . . . come to me. I cannot touch it yet.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra nods, without judgement.]

Kanan barely touched the Force for years. Until he met Hera.

[jedies]

[ kanan — no, caleb dume. the one who gave obi-wan the idea of changing the holocron message. his shoulders sag briefly. ]

So it was heard.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He looks over, a small smile.]

The temple beacon? Yeah. That message saved him. [In more ways than one, Ezra believes.]

I have...more of a story about that, when you're ready for it.

[jedies]

[ he gives a faint nod. ]

A story might be good. To center myself.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[His smile gets bigger, and he shifts out his kneeling position to face Obi-wan a little more.]

I think I mentioned I didn't know he was a Jedi at first? First time I saw him - well, my head sang - but he and the rest of the team were stealing crates from an Imperial supply convey.

I figured that meant the crates were something good, so I stole one from the thieves. A chase scene later, and Kanan invited me into their ship rather than leave me to be shot by the Imperials chasing all of us.

My head started singing again, and I went looking and found....a holocron, but I didn't have a clue what it was, and his lightsaber. Kanan took the lightsaber back, but I thought I got away with the pretty box.

I got suckered into the next steps of their mission - and captured. They didn't search me well. So there I was in an Imperial cell, completely convinced there was no reason anyone would rescue me. Alone. I closed my eyes. Focused on my breath, thought about flowers opening. All the things I'd do to calm myself.

And then came this voice - This is Master Obi-wan Kenobi-

It was the first time I heard anyone mention the Force. The first time I heard anyone admit to being a Jedi.

[jedies]

[ he exhales. ]

I had — hoped it would reach a few. Anyone.

[ezra_of_lothal]

I reminded me of my parents. They sent out broadcasts again the Empire. That's why they were arrested when I was seven.

So, when Kanan offered to teach me the ways of the Force. To show me what it means to be a Jedi. [He grins a little.] 14-year-old me did think him whipping out his lightsaber to deflect blasterbolts was absolutely the coolest thing he'd ever seen.

[Part of him will always be that kid overawed by his future master, he guesses.]

But I was also thinking...if being a Jedi meant sending out a message talking about trust, and perseverance, and hope, in the wake of something so - so terrible...

I wanted how to learn how to do that.